WARNING: Chapter contains violence, death, abuse, self-harm, torture, and an attempted rape.

Elyograg's request for a Timmy and Jay bonding chapter. (It's probably not what you had in mind and this is not what I was going to write, but I hope you like it!)

This chapter is dedicated to a friend of mine who recently took his own life… It's always the ones that smile the biggest, laugh the most, and act the happiest that are the most broken inside. If I'd had only known, I might have been able to do something… I'm so sorry, J.

No one should ever feel like suicide is their only option.

Chapter 21: Not Gonna Die Tonight

Tim's POV

"Absolutely not." I hissed.

"It's already been decided, Tim. I've already told your secretary that you won't be in." Stephanie growled.

"Stephanie, you just can't-"

"Too bad. Esmeralda has already packed for you. Jason will be here to get you tomorrow morning."

I rolled onto my side away from her in our bed before I felt her arm drape over my waist.

"Talk to me, Tim… Please. I want this to work. I want us to work."

"There is nothing to talk about."

********Break********

"You ready?" Jason asked as I glared at him.

"No." I sharply replied as he grabbed my bags and tossed them into the back of his Hummer.

"Don't be an asshole, Tim."

"Only if you don't be a jackass."

"Then I guess we're both screwed." He smirked before the front door to my mansion opened and Jacqueline came running out in her nightgown and barefoot.

"Daddy! Wait!"

"Jacqueline! We do not run outside barefoot and in our nightclothes!" I snapped as she came to a stop in front of me.

"Sorry, Daddy… I just wanted to say bye to you and Uncle Jason." She whispered, looking down at the driveway.

"Hey Cracker Jack. Nice jammies." Jason smirked before poking her in the stomach and making her giggle as she looked up at him and smiled.

"Jackie! Come inside!" Stephanie called as she gave me one last look before retreating into the manor with Jackie.

"You didn't tell your daughter goodbye and then you yelled at her. Did you even tell your wife goodbye?" Jason asked as I ignored him.

"Let's just get this over with." I mumbled before getting into the passenger seat of his Hummer.

His boys were in the backseat with headphones on and watching some movie.

"They're coming with us?"

"No. Bruce has them for the weekend." Jason replied.

We sat in silence as he drove to Wayne Manor. We eventually arrived. I stayed in his Hummer as he escorted his boys and their bags to the door. I watched as Jason bent down to their level and talked to them. He hugged and kissed Sam before squeezing Dean's shoulder as Alfred answered the door. They conversed for a minute before Alfred and the boys disappeared into the manor while Jason headed for the car.

"It's always hard to leave your children… Even if it is for just a weekend." He sighed before getting back into the driver's seat.

I didn't comment. I only stared out the window in silence before picking up my phone as he brought his radio to life. I groaned at the sound of the heavy metal and screaming.

An hour passed before he turned off the radio and glanced over at me.

"Oh shit!" he exclaimed and pointed at my window.

I turned to look as he grabbed my phone and tossed it somewhere in the back of the car.

"Hey!"

"Hey."

"What the hell, Jason! You cannot just throw my phone-"

"Too late. I just did."

"What is your freaking problem!"

"As of this moment? You… You're my problem, Tim."

"Then take me home."

"No. You obviously need to get away for a while."

"I'm fine." I growled.

He only shrugged in response.

"Where are we even going?"

"Where there's no cell reception; the middle of nowhere. We're going camping for the entire weekend."

"You cannot be freaking serious."

********Break********

Jason's POV

"Oh my God… You were serious."

"Yep." I replied before chucking a backpack at him, which he didn't catch… Have his reflexes slowed down?

"What about your Hummer?"

"She'll be here when we get back." I replied before swinging a backpack onto my back. "Let's go."

We haven't even hiked for an hour before we had to stop. Tim leaned up against the base of a tree as he struggled to catch his breath… That was when I noticed how out of shape he had become.

His skin was paler than normal. Bags formed under his eyes from lack of sleep. His cheeks were sunken and hollow. If he were to take off his shirt, I'd probably see his ribs.

"Babybird, you okay?" I asked.

"Just tired I guess." He mumbled before pushing himself back up and moving back down the trail, leaving me to watch his retreating figure.

"But, what are you tired of, Tim?" I muttered.

********Break*******

"We'll set up camp here." I instructed.

"Whatever."

"Tim, check your tone." I growled as he glared at me. "Start setting up the tent."

"I'll be back." He growled.

"And just where do you think you're going?"

"None of your business." He huffed before stomping away.

"Give me the strength not to beat the shit out of him." I muttered beneath my breath before following him.

Tim took a seat beside the river and watched it flow for a few minutes before he pulled his shirt over his head. I could literally see his ribs. He drew a small pocketknife from his pocket and opened the blade. He pulled down his jeans and boxers a little to reveal jagged scars on his hips… Self-inflicted scars.

"What the hell are you doing!" I screamed as he dropped his knife in the dirt.

"Jason!"

"What the hell were you trying to do!"

"Nothing!"

"That was something!"

"Just leave me alone, Jason!"

"Not until you talk to me about this!" I yelled as he pulled his jeans up before pulling the shirt back over his head.

"Just leave me alone!"

"Not until you talk to me!"

"No!"

"You can't keep pushing the people that care about you away!"

"Watch me!" he hissed before walking away from me.

"You can't keep on hiding behind your work and you can't keep hurting yourself!"

"I'm an adult! I'll do what I want!"

"Fine! Do whatever you want! Go on ahead and pretend that no one cares about you so you can cut your skin open! You've become just like your father! You gonna try to drown Jackie next?" I screamed as he froze in his tracks before turning to face me.

"And you've become your father, Jason. You're a criminal. You're a murderer. You drink. You smoke… Tell me something, have you hit your boys yet? Or are you just going to wait until Sam turns five so you can get so drunk you decide to ra-" He began before my fist impacted his face.

I towered above him as he lay sprawled out on the ground. He spat out a mouthful of blood from his busted lip before glaring back up at me.

"You're just as bad as he was."

"I'm nothing like him!" I hissed as he calmly replied, "Really? I recall he used to hit you like you just hit me. Are you going to rape me next?"

Not even a second passed before I had jerked him off the ground and pinned him against a tree. My body trembled in anger as I stared him down… What am I doing? I'm not him. I'm not my father. I'm not him.

I swallowed before shaking my head and setting Tim back down. He only stared at me as I gently placed my hand against his cheek and began wiping away at the blood.

"Shit, Tim. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have hit you. I shouldn't have yelled at you. I'm sorry… What happened to you? Why are you being like this? Why are you doing this to yourself? Talk to me."

He just stared at me and shook his head as a single tear rolled down his face.

"Babybird, talk to me. Please. Let me help you… Don't push me away."

He shook his head and transferred his gaze to the dirt.

"Hurting yourself on the outside isn't going to kill the monster on the inside, Tim."

He pushed me away before picking his knife up and shouting, "You don't know anything! Just leave me alone!"

He's only twenty-four. He has a wife. He has a five year old daughter. He's got too much to live for.

When someone hurts or kills themselves… They hurt or murder the ones that love them.

People who die by suicide don't want to end their lives. They want to end their pain.

********Break********

Tim's POV

I kept on putting distance between myself and Jason. Nearly half an hour had passed before I dropped down to the ground and cried. I heard a twig snap behind me.

"Just leave me alone, Jason." I whispered.

He moved closer to me. I could see his shadow directly over me. I turned to yell at him. I froze when I realized that it wasn't Jason. Not even a second had passed before I was pulled to my feet and slammed into a nearby tree.

"Ja-" I began before one of the man's hands covered my mouth while the other twisted my arms behind my back.

"Shhhh." He whispered as I felt his hot breath on my neck.

I barely registered what was happening. One second I was being held against the tree. The next I was spun around and trapped against my assailant with a knife at my neck as I faced down the barrel of a pistol a few meters away belonging to Jason.

"Take. Your. Hands. Off. My. Brother." Jason growled as he slightly lowered his weapon.

Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw something moving behind him.

"Jay! Behind you!" I screamed, but it was too late.

********Break********

Jason's POV

I groaned as I felt cold metal resting against my cheek. I moaned as I pulled myself into a sitting position.

"Jason?"

I opened my eyes to find myself in a steel cage with Tim in a separate cage beside mine.

"Where the hell are we?"

"I… I don't know." He whispered as he pulled his knees up to his chest and shivered.

"What happened?"

"Someone knocked you out from behind. There are two of them… I think they're cannibals. They said something about eating you."

"Tim, you okay?"

He started to nod but shook his head instead. I could see tears rolling down his face.

"H-he k-kept me in a c-cage." He whispered as he most likely started thinking about the Joker again.

"Tim, he's gone. He's dead. This isn't him, okay?"

"I-I'm s-scared."

"I know you are. And it's okay to be scared. But, you can't let them know that you are. Those assholes will use that against you to hurt you. They'll use your weaknesses against you."

He nodded and began swiping at his eyes before looking at me. "You don't have any weaknesses."

"Everyone does." As of this moment… I have one.

"You're brave though."

The only real brave thing I've ever really done is kept on living when I wanted nothing more than to die.

********Break********

Tim's POV

We sat in the tiny cages for what felt like hours. Jason kept on trying to escape. Yet, he was failing miserably. He eventually sat back down and fiddled around with a knife he kept hidden on him.

"Jay?"

"Yeah?"

"Have you ever thought about… Have you ever tried to… Have you ever wanted-"

"To what? Kill myself?" he finished as I shrugged.

"Tim, everyone's thought about it… You start to wonder if anybody would miss you. You wonder if anyone really cares. You wonder if anyone would cry if you died… Death can be a safe haven. Nothing can touch you in death. Nothing can hurt you. There is no more pain or suffering or sadness… But, then you have to think about the world you'll leave behind."

"I don't-"

"No matter how alone you feel… No matter how tired you are of fighting… There is still someone that will care if you died. There is still someone that will cry on your grave. There is still someone that you will take to your grave with you. You might think that killing yourself is the best answer… It's not. You'd only end up taking the people that care with you."

"Are you trying to guilt trip me into living?"

"No. Only you can make the decision to live. If you've made your decision to die, then I can't save you this time. No one can."

"No one would even miss me if I was gone." I muttered.

"Do you tell that lie to yourself every day? Because, it damn sure ain't true. You have all your needs met; food, shelter, clothing, and money. You have a wife that loves you. You have a daughter that adores you. You have brothers that would die for you. You have a dad that needs you. You have grandparents that spoil you. You have nieces and nephews that would cry if something were to happen to you…You have every reason to want to live."

"I don't believe you."

"You know it's true, Tim. You know I'm not lying… Deep down you know you don't want to die. Deep down you're ready to take your life back… That's why you haven't been cutting yourself deep enough to leave any permanent marks. You want to live."

I turned my back to him as I started crying.

"There's nothing wrong with crying, Babybird… It's not a weakness."

I shrugged as I heard him move closer.

"Tim, look at me."

I shook my head in response.

"Please?" he asked as I glanced over at him.

He had himself pressed up against the bars of his cage with his hand extending towards me. I crawled over to where our cages met. He wiped away a couple of my tears before he began speaking softly.

"You know, I've been where you are now… more than once."

"What?" I asked in surprise.

"All the times I've been raped, I just wanted to die. When I was fifteen and literally on my deathbed from the Joker, I just wanted to die. When I had to go through all of that mental and physical therapy, I just wanted to die. The first time I killed someone, I just wanted to die. When I did all of those terrible things when we thought Bruce had died, I just wanted to die-"

"Then why didn't you just kill yourself?"

"Because I kept finding something to live for… It's what you gotta do, Babybird. You gotta find something to fight for… To live for… Everything I've been through is nothing to die for. Everything that you've been through is nothing worth killing yourself over. You have to keep fighting."

"What if you have to give up the fight if you're wounded?"

"Then you havta go out with your head held high and your guns blazing… You can't just lay down before the battle's even started and wait for death to take you... You ever heard of the poem Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night?"

"Yes, but-"

"There are no buts, Tim. You either believe it or you don't. You either live or you die."

********Break********

Jason's POV

We just sat there for at least another hour, before a door open. I jerked my hand back and tucked my knife into the waistband of my jeans.

"Don't let them know you're afraid." I whispered as Tim gave a slight nod.

A couple of minutes later, two of our attackers appeared. They both wore raggedy overalls and hunting boots. What was left of their teeth were stained yellow and black. One of them had a five o'clock shadow. The other had a beard covering his neck.

"The little one 'ill be fun ta play with. The big boy 'ill make a good ole meal." Beard said.

"What do you want with us?" I growled as they ignored me and went straight for Tim.

"Stay away from him!" I threatened as Tim backed into the corner of his cage away from them and looked at me for help. "I'll kill you if you as so much as lay a hand on him!"

The two started whispering to each other. At least a minute passed before Beard dragged Tim out. He screamed for me as his hands were bound in front of him. I shouted profanities at them as they instructed me to turn around and put my hands behind my back. It wasn't until Tim was put in a chokehold that I complied. My hands were tied behind me. Then we were led out of their basement and into a bedroom.

I was pushed onto my knees as the one without the beard tossed Tim onto the bed.

"Take your hands off my brother!" I snarled before something cold and metal as pressed against my head… Wait a minute… That's my freaking gun!

"Shut yer mouth!"

"Jason! Help!" Tim sobbed as the bastard cut his shirt off.

"Hush up now. Ima gonna make ya feel so much better." The one holding him down whispered as he popped the button Tim's jeans.

"J-jason!" Tim cried as the bastard stroked his face.

One second was all it took for him to sink his teeth into the bastard's hand. One second was all it took for the asshole to take his eyes off me and the gun to waver.

My head snapped back and collided with the man's face as the gun fired and emptied a round into my shoulder. He staggered backwards before I swept his legs out from underneath him. He hit the floor and my boot crushed his windpipe as I used the knife to slice through the ropes keeping my hands together.

I jumped up to see Tim crying with blood smeared on his mouth and teeth as his assailant lay slumped against the wall clutching his neck as blood seeped through his fingers. Not even a second had passed before I emptied a round from my gun into the dying man's heart. I slipped the knife back into the waistband of my jeans before pulling Tim to his feet and cutting the ropes securing his hands.

"I… j-just w-wanted h-him to s-stop." Tim sobbed as I buttoned his jeans and pulled them back into place.

"I know, Babybird. It's okay. You're okay… You weren't the one that killed him. I was." I replied before getting my jacket on him and zipping it up. The leather practically swallowed him. I wiped the blood off of his face and said, "We gotta get out of here. I don't know how many of them are-" I began before I glanced over to see Tim shaking. I grabbed Tim by his shoulders and looked down at him. "Listen to me. You gotta get control of yourself… I'll be right back. I'll make sure no one's coming. I need you to stay here-"

"No!" he pleaded as he latched onto me.

He suddenly looked so much younger than twenty-four. I internally sighed before saying, "Okay. Stay close behind me." I instructed before pulling out the gun.

We fled the hell house and headed north. Not even twenty minutes had passed before I fell on my knees. That was when I noticed that blood was still flowing down my arm from where I had been shot. Shit.

"Jay?" Tim asked as I picked myself back up.

"I'm fine… If I fall again, keep going."

"What?"

"You heard me." I grunted. "Keep moving."

"No."

"What?"

"You need help."

"I'm fine."

"No. You're not fine… I think there's a cave not too far from here."

********Break*******

Tim's POV

"We should be okay for now." Jason whispered before slumping against the wall of the cave.

I watched the blood dripping down his body he closed his eyes as the adrenaline ran off. He was close to shutting down completely.

"Jay… How bad are you shot?"

"Shoulder… Bullet's still inside." He huffed as his eyes remained closed.

His head slumped against the wall of the cave as his breathing slowed. He was out completely. I pulled out his lighter and knife before peeling off his shirt. Shit.

"Sorry, Jay. This is going to hurt… It'll get infected if I don't."

His eyes snapped open the second my fingers entered the wound. He stifled his cries of pain as I eventually got the bullet out. He had passed out from the pain as I used the lighter to heat up the knife. He awoke and cried out as the searing metal sealed his open flesh… He'll have another scar for the rest of his life. He passed out once more.

I leaned back against the opposite wall of the cave and cried silently as I watched him sleep across from me. I picked up the still sizzling knife before pressing it against my hip. I silently cried out as no one heard me screaming on the inside.

********Break********

Jason's POV

I opened my eyes to see Tim asleep across from me. I shifted and cried out in pain as I looked at my shoulder. I could see the ugly, blackened, and bloody wound.

"I had to close the wound… Sorry." Tim whispered as I slumped back against the wall.

"You did what you had to. How are you holdin-"

"Jason, we need to leave. Can you walk?" he interrupted me as he glanced around outside of the cave.

"Yeah. Let's go."

********Break********

I don't know how long we walked before Tim abruptly stopped. I turned to face him as he stared down at the ground.

"You know that feeling of waiting? Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you've been trying so hard to keep in all day. That feeling of both desperation and relief… Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right either… And you're tired. You're tired of everything and you're tired of nothing all at the same time. And you just want someone to be there and tell you that it's okay. But no one's there. So you have to be strong all by yourself… because no one can fix you. But you're tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and fix everyone around you. You're tired of being strong when everything is falling apart... For once you wish things could be easy. You wish it was simple. You hope someone would help you. You wish someone would save you… But no one is coming. But you're still hoping. You're still wishing. And you're still staying strong and fighting with tears in your eyes. You're still fighting… Have you ever felt like that?" Tim asked.

"I'm sure we all have, Babybird." I replied before pulling him into my arms. "However, someone's not going to let you die. Someone is there to save you and your savior has brought backup… Because no one in our family would ever let you go."

"Jay?" he whispered.

"Yeah?"

"Back there at that house… Did I k-kill him?" he asked.

"No, Tim. He would have lived. It's not your fault. It was mine." I lied.

"Promise?"

"Promise."

After a few minutes passed, we continued walking. We eventually came across a river.

"Okay… We need to cross here."

"Are you sure? It looks a little deep and the water's moving a little fast."

"We'll be fine. Just stay here and I'll cross first."

Tim's POV

I stood by and watched as Jason waded into the waist deep water. He got about halfway before he disappeared under the water.

"Jay… That's not funny." I called out before seconds passed and he still hadn't surfaced.

"Jason!" I screamed as panic set in.

I waited a few more seconds before I went in after him. I was immediately swept under by the current. Fighting against the undertow, I opened my eyes under the water to see Jason trying to free his leg from a tree that had fallen into the river.

I swam over to him and pulled his knife out from his jeans before hacking away at the tangled mass of branches and bark that had him trapped. He stopped struggling as I pulled his leg free. He stopped moving as I wrapped my arm around his waist and tried to swim to the surface.

I struggled to keep us both afloat as I fought against the current trying to drag us under. Eventually, I hauled him out of the water. I dropped to my knees panting and coughing as I noticed Jason wasn't. I pressed my hands on his chest and locked my lips over his as I began administering CPR.

"Jason! Come on!" I screamed as I pressed down on his chest. "You're not going to die tonight! What happened to not going gently? You have to fight… Please!"

There was no response.

"Jay! D-don't leave me! I am not okay, alright! I need you!" I cried as tears started slipping down my face. "Somebody help me! God help me!"

Time seemed to move faster as I continued to force oxygen down his lungs. Time passed before his eyes opened and he immediately rolled onto his side started coughing up water. I just sat back and watched him as I cried.

"I'm just gonna lay here a minute." He announced before rolling onto his back as I just stared at him.

He just layed there for about ten minutes before looking at me and asking, "Tim… You okay? You're crying."

"I thought you weren't going to make it."

"It takes a lot more than a freaking tree and water to kill me… Come here."

I crawled over to him and we held onto each other.

"You're shaking." He muttered.

"W-water's c-cold."

"Yeah. I guess it was… Thanks for savin my ass."

I nodded in response before whispering, "I'm sorry about what I said earlier."

"It's okay. I didn't mean to hit you, Tim… I guess you were right though... I am my fa-"

"You're nothing like him, Jason. You're a good father and uncle and brother."

"But for how long?"

"There is no time limit. You'll never be like him."

"And you'll never be your father."

We stood up after a few minutes and started walking again.

"Tim?"

"Yeah?"

"I see a trail marker. We're not that far from getting out of here." He replied as I looked up and immediately started crying in relief.

"Tim, you okay?"

"I'm fi-" I began before shaking my head. "I am not okay."

He moved to hold me again. He rested his chin on top of my hair as I held onto him with a death grip.

"But you will be, little brother. I promise. I'm right here when you need me. You are not alone."

********Break********

We eventually got out of those damned woods and back to the manor. Jason was immediately fussed over by Bruce, Alfred, and Leslie as his boys practically clung to him for the examination. He was eventually cleared and sentenced to his old bedroom to get some rest.

I refused to be examined. Eventually, they gave up. However, they insisted I stay the night. I refused and tried to leave only to run into Stephanie.

"Your father called and said you and your brother got back early. He said something that Jason was attacked by a wild animal. I'm glad you're all right." Stephanie whispered as she hugged me.

A wild animal? That's what Jason told them? Nothing else?

"I'm fine."

She pulled back and looked up at me. She shook her head before hugging me again.

"No. You're not fine… But, it's okay. We'll figure this out and you will be okay. But, right now… Right now, you can fall apart and I'll hold you together."