Chapter Twenty One

Bellamy

Dear Clarke,

I am writing you again because it has been two years and I have done nothing but grieve. Of course, it is not just you. It is the life that we could have had together. I had a dream about you last night.

I brush the tear from the paper. I internally yell at myself for this. This should be allowing me to heal, not making me cry over her again. That doesn't help anyone. I know that I will have to go back out there for my Trig lesson again. If I don't go, Echo will come looking for me or Emori or most likely Raven. I would rather it be Raven. She knows that my pain has not eased. I have been trying harder to be normal, to be okay. Learning Trig and fighting and exercising has been helping. But nothing can bring my Clarke back to me.

Every moment we had together is a moment I relive in my dreams. Normally I wake screaming or crying from them. Last night was different. I felt nothing but happiness when I woke up. It went away when I realized it might never be real. I would never have thought about this when we were on the ground. If we were born in the same station and we met as teenagers, things might have been different.

It even feels strange writing it down right now. It is almost as if she can really hear me. She might really find this out if I tell it to her right now. I don't believe in religion or god but I think she can feel me with her right now. I can certainly feel her with me. I wonder if things would have been different if that were to truly happen.

Perhaps I would have asked you on a date. You would have denied me. I would have been persistent and eventually worn you down. When you finally agreed, I would have been terrified but also excited. Then later you would have worn your favorite dress and I would have scrounged up a shirt without a stain. We would have professed our love to each other in front of our families and friends. Octavia would have been smiling at my side. Aurora and Abby too.

I sniffle when the tears come faster. But there is also a smile on my face. I can feel that elation coming across my entire body. If we were together now, things would have been different.

Last night I saw you with a round belly laying next to me in bed. You were smiling. In the same dream I saw you holding a baby with a tan complexion, dark hair and bright blue eyes. She had your eyes Clarke. She had my freckles. She had your smile. She had my curls. She was ours, Clarke. She was ours. Her name was Aurora. It was embroidered on her pink blanket. We were so happy. I am sorry that I could not have given that to you. You deserved that happiness.

I hear a knock at my door. I guessed that it would not be long until I received that knock. I sniffle in a lame attempt to make my voice sound deeper. It fails.

"What?" I demand.

"Teik's go nau," she says.

Let's go now.

It's Echo.

"Un ticka," I respond.

One second.

I go back to my letter, trying so hard to keep my face sort of in check when I realize that I am going to lose that battle. I have to finish it now before Echo allows herself in here.

"Bellamy!" she shouts.

I sigh and put my shaking hand back down on the paper in front of me. I close my eyes to calm myself but I end up seeing her instead. She had such a beautiful face. Her eyes were so blue and bright. Her hair blonde. I never told her this but my favorite was when she allowed just a few braids to intertwine into it. I preferred her blonde hair free from her face so that I could see her smooth skin light lips.

I remember everything about you, Clarke. If we were together the way that we should have been, we would have had the most beautiful child. She would have had your head and my heart. Together, we would have created the most incredible thing that life had ever seen. I am so sorry that you never got the chance to feel that. You deserved it and so much more. Don't worry…your memory will live on as long as I live and if I am ever lucky enough to have children, I will tell them all about my first love. You will live on amongst the earth, the trees and the joy of being free.

May we meet again, Clarke. Don't worry, I know we will.

Now my body is in racking sobs. I cannot control this feeling. I rest my head on my arms and allow my shoulders to shake in pain. The tears come rapidly. I hear my door being opened. It takes a long time before it finally is. I beg it not to be. I stand up and run my hand down my face when I realize that she is going to be coming in anyway.

"Bellamy. Come on. I thought—"

Echo stops when she realizes that I was crying. There is no hiding it. I sniffle and swallow hard. My face falls into a tough, hard expression that makes me press my lips together as hard as I can. Echo looks to me with sympathy.

"I said I'll be right there," I said.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt," she says.

"Next time maybe you could listen when someone tells you that they will be out in a second."

She nods.

"I'm sorry, Bellamy," she says.

"Sure, you are. Get out, Echo," I demand.

"No. Come on. You can talk to me. We are all friends here. Just talk to us," she asks.

"No. You aren't Harper the peace maker and you aren't Raven the brave so get out of my room," I say again. She doesn't listen. She straightens her posture and looks at me directly. I don't understand. She doesn't even like me so why does she want to help?

"Let me help you," she begs. "You're hurting. You miss someone that you loved. Just let me help you."

"What did you just say to me?" I ask.

She looks confused but all I can feel is anger. I step toward her with my hands in fists and my head filled with rage. I want nothing more than to attack her right now.

"You miss Clarke. It's okay. We all miss someone. Maybe if you stay busy, you can—"

"No, Echo. Bants ai," I demand.

Leave me.

"Let me—"

"Nou! Bants nau!" I shout again.

No. Leave now.

She nods and puts her arms over her chest. I know that she wants me to talk to her. I just don't get it. When she is out the door, I grab her arm. She turns around slowly, so slowly that she is looking to my hand on her with fear. I drop it and then her face becomes bewildered.

"How did you know?" I ask. I don't ask her the entire thing. She already knows what I am asking.

How did you know that I loved Clarke?

She smiles.

"Anyone with eyes knows that you loved Clarke, Bellamy."

She drops her arm and leaves me to my pain.