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Wanderlust
(19)
Sara took a deep breath looking out at the people rushing about in the parking lot as they quickly moved towards their cars, ready to get home back to their lives outside of work. She thought carefully about the evening ahead of her and realises that perhaps she should have taken the overtime and stayed to finish off paper work; she had nothing else to do. But she felt exhausted.
Without wasting any more time Sara made her way towards her car tossing her bag into the back seat. But as she turned she found Nick standing in the way, his eyes focused on her with what could not be described as a glare.
"Look I don't know what the hell you were playing at before- but stay away from Greg" He said breaking the silence.
"Nick, I-"She tried to explain, but he didn't want to listen.
"I don't care why you did it." He stated. "But think about Greg, do you really want to drag him down? Do you want him to end up the way you've done?"
"No" Sara shook her head. That was the last thing she wanted. Greg deserved so much more than that.
"Then do him a favour and walk away" Nick instructed, and without another word let her standing beside the car in a strange sense of shock.
As Sara drove home she knew that the things Nick had said were true and ending things with Greg had been the right decision. But she couldn't help but feel like they had left things unfinished- that there was still so much to be said.
It soon occurred to her that is the way that things would always be between them.
Sara curled up on the sofa with the remote control and a tub of ice cream in her hands, incredibly thankful for the time alone. She had been exhausted lately, dreadfully drained of energy and nothing she did could shake it off. They had even started noticing at work; hence the extra time off DB had gifted her with a knowing smile as he told her paperwork could always wait.
She flicked through the channels distractedly, the ice cream slowly melting and moisture forming outside the tub, finally settling on 'Definitely, Maybe'
With a sigh she sunk further into the soft pillows and balanced the ice cream on the edge of the seat. She needed this, she needed a night where she could just relax and not think and gorge on ice cream.
Her conscience had been working overtime lately, desperately trying to find justification for falling into Greg's arms every time he was close to her. Karma had most definitely come full circle and given her a taste of her own medicine. Now she found herself contemplating the possibility, the probability, that she had fallen for him and it was too late.
Sara recalled the ways he had looked at her early on, the longing he'd had to ask her to stay and Sara realised they'd switched placed. She had been the one asking him for just a few more moments, she had been the one without commitments hoping that perhaps he would notice just how much he meant to her.
But it was never to be.
"Look, I know love isn't a fairy tale."
Sara laughed, digging her spoon into the ice cream. That little girl was a genius; love is about as far removed from a fairy-tale as anything could possibly be. For her at least.
She moved the spoon to her lips and found that she was suddenly gripped by nausea. It was mint choc chip, her favourite flavour of them all and yet the smell of the mint seemed to close in around her and grip her stomach making her rush into the bathroom for fear of losing her dinner.
She was trembling when she came back into the living room, her body feeling weak and fragile, a headache throbbing behind her eyes and her legs feeling like dead weight. She had missed a large section of the movie; she frowned as she noted that the man was now with another woman entirely and rolled her eyes as she collapsed into the sofa to watch the commercials.
The sky was beginning to darken as the sun slowly set; she stared at her phone on the coffee table. Greg and Morgan were going to the movies tonight; she had heard them talk about the plans with the rest of the time in the break room. The others had contributed their opinions of the film while she had stood awkwardly in the corner being ignored by everyone. She had found herself feeling overwhelmed with a mix of emotions she felt about the idea.
"Just like the character in the story. Who's always been the friend then she realized she doesn't just want to be the friend she wants to be the girlfriend. Except it's too late."
Sara raised the remote and flicked the channel as sobs overwhelmed her. This was ridiculous, she never cried at movies. She made a habit of crying as little as possible; it always gave her a headache and hurt her eyes. This past week she had burst into tears an unfathomable number of times, just this morning she had sobbed in the bathroom because she forgot to bring a fresh towel with her when she went for a shower.
A commercial caught her attention, one that would normally have made her roll her eyes in disgust and change channel. It was one of those baby lotion ads, following the bump to the baby to the mother. She watched entranced as the mother stroked her gentle hands over her child's smooth stomach and once again she was overcome with emotion.
She tucked her knees under her chin, suddenly overcome by a maternal instinct and wondering why she had never considered children when she was young and married and happy. She had probably missed her chance now. Her age and current relationship status didn't lend itself to motherhood easily.
The sudden outburst of emotion gave her a moment of clarity that hit her like a kick to the stomach, all the air seemed to leave the room as she sat upright and scanned the recesses of her mind for the last time Mother Nature had visited. She was always so regular it was never anything she had to pay too much attention to, not to mention the fact that she wasn't in a relationship.
The fact that she couldn't recall her last period could be down to her work pattern, or stress, or not eating enough she rationalised. It didn't necessarily mean she was pregnant. On paper it was impossible, in practice however, she had been having increasingly passionate, mind blowing sex with Greg on a regular basis until very recently.
Flipping through her diary she listed the symptoms she had been suffering; the nausea, exhaustion, the dull ache in her stomach for days, the fact that she had just cried at a commercial…. It was all beginning to add up and cause a flurry of butterflies in her stomach.
She couldn't find anything in the book and threw it against the wall in frustration. There was only one way to know for sure, her heart raced at a million miles an hour as she swung her jacket on and walked the 2 blocks to her nearest pharmacy.
It was almost closing time, the young girl behind the desk glared at her as the bell sounded into the deserted little store. Sara browsed the shelves trying to look casual; the pregnancy tests were all stacked under the condoms and KY Jelly. It struck her as quite ironic really. With an embarrassed smile she handed the girl a handful of boxes and took the long way home.
In her mind she had already come to her conclusion.
The wind moved the tree's gently and sent a shiver up her spine as she slowly walked home with the bag in her hand. She checked her phone again, scrolling to Greg' name and wondering if she should call him, he would be a wonderful father. She could picture him cradling their child in his arms and teaching him to play football or tie his laces. She could picture how it would feel to see that amount of love reflected in his eyes.
But the words that Nick had said to her earlier rung in her ears, if she cared about him the best thing to do would be walk away and she'd promised herself that she would. Not wanting to convince herself otherwise Sara placed her phone back in her pocket.
A blonde woman and a tall man cut in front of her, hand in hand. They were lost in their own conversation, laughing and joking together as they walked side by side. Sadness settled over her as she remembered Morgan. She remembered the way Morgan looked at Greg, the way her hand gently stroked his arm and her fingers intertwined in his. She remembered how Greg would smile when they were together, how she had given him a happy home filled with love and laughter. All she had ever given to Greg was a multitude of unhappy memories and infinite problems.
She headed straight to the bathroom once she'd gotten home, trying not to focus on the indignity of peeing on a stick. Those two minutes seemed to take forever. She chewed her fingernails and tapped her foot on the tiles as she waited for her little timer to signify it was time.
All at once she was gripped by an all-encompassing fear. Inside that box was her future; the result of this test could influence the rest of her life. Not to mention Greg's and Morgan's.
What was in that box was the most terrifying thing she had ever had to look at.
Her hands shook as she slid the white stick out of the packet and closed her eyes, with a deep breath she stared down at the little blue line.
That line, so insignificant and understated had just changed Sara's life. That little line, that made tears snake down her face and sobs escape her mouth, had just told Sara everything she needed to know.
She may be alone, not entirely stable mentally and almost definitely going to ruin another marriage when it came out but she was pregnant with Greg's child and somehow the prospect wasn't nearly as horrible as she had imagined it to be.
It that moment Sara had almost planned out what she was going to do- but she knew that the first change would be to leave Las Vegas. She had already ended things with Greg it was not too much of a leap for her to finally move away from the city that had been bringing her down.
Sara knew she wasn't ready to have this baby, to bring up a child alone, she hadn't planned on becoming a mother but now she realised that the only thing she cared about was making sure her baby would have the happy settled life she had longed for growing up.
And that life was not going to be in this city.