Lost in the seas of forgotten memories
Right so we got a lot of questions! I have tailored this chapter to answer as many as possible – but as you will see…the pieces are starting to fall into place.
RECAP: Natasha's dark child solider past has been revealed. Clint has blown a fuse and left the group to blow off some steam. The team is wary about Natasha's emotional state of mind. Coulson and Hill have their own shit to deal with. Something big is brewing in the background. Natasha is in trouble. The bad guys are lurking in the distance. The Avengers are still in the dark about certain things.
Chapter 21
They all looked at Natasha uneasily as she stared at the door an archer just ran through.
"I know what you're all thinking – and I'm not going to break down like a child and start crying. Yes I was used like a weapon, yes I was technically a child, and yes life just sucks for some people. But that part of my life I remember very clearly and the important thing is that I survived. And no one is ever going to use me like that again," she said darkly.
"We're not judging you based on your past Natasha…," Steve said quietly.
"But you are Steve. Even if you don't want to," she said emptily.
"Barton's an idiot," Tony muttered beside them. Natasha sighed.
"Barton's not an idiot Stark. That was actually exactly along the lines of the reaction I thought I would get. Remember I still knew him for a full 7 years before my memory starts having blanks," she said carefully.
"You are indeed very strong Lady Natasha," Thor said solemnly. Natasha gave him a sad look.
"It's not always about strength Thor. Sometimes all you need is the right motivation to keep you going through the darkness," she said quietly.
"Where did you get 2 years of motivation?" Bruce asked slowly. He could never imagine going through what she's lived through and coming out even half as sane as Natasha has turned out to be. Sometimes he felt like Natasha has experienced so much more pain then he ever did because of the Hulk – she was just so much better at hiding it then he was.
"I had someone I had to protect and that meant I had to make it back alive," Natasha replied vaguely. That could mean a whole host of things - but nobody wanted to be the one to ask.
"Can we leave it at the fact that I had a shitty childhood and get on with our lives?" Natasha said before anyone could gather enough courage to ask her anything. They all cringed.
"I don't think it's healthy to bottle things up-" She gave him a look. "–but we will let it go if you want us too," Bruce said with a sigh.
"Thank you – I'm going to get some fresh air now," she said before she walked out of the room and slowly closed the door behind her.
"Someone is going after her right?" Steve asked when the door shut in their face. They all promptly engaged in a staring contest.
"Well obviously Barton's not going to do it," Steve said with a sigh.
His comment was followed by silence. No one was volunteering. Bruce sighed.
"I'll go," he said as he got up to go after the closed off Russian. They were all cowards.
"Man of action my ass," Tony said looking Steve up and down. Steve flushed.
"Hey I don't see man of Iron running after a deadly spy either!" Steve shot back. Tony snorted.
"That's because I have survival instincts – you're just a coward," Tony said simply. Steve gaped at him.
"In what world does that make sense?" Steve asked incredulously. Thor simply watched the ping pong like conversation fly back and forth between genius and soldier.
"Some things don't change," Coulson said dryly as he watched the two Avengers bicker even after one of the most horrific conversations they've ever had.
"It's how they cope with reality," Maria said quietly.
Memories memories memories memories
"This is not what I consider fresh air," Bruce said as he walked into the tiny storage room at the other end of the building. It took him nearly 20 minutes to find her – but the fact that he did meant that she wanted him to. "I know you don't want to talk to us but you should go talk to him you know," Bruce said taking a seat beside the silent agent staring at the wall in front of her.
"I don't think he wants to talk to anyone right now," she said quietly. Bruce shook his head.
"No I don't think so either – but that doesn't mean solitude is what either of you need right now," Bruce said staring out the window at the empty streets that lay on the other side.
"Bruce…can I ask you a question and get a straight answer?" she asked suddenly. He paused and gave her a cautious look.
"I can't guarantee that Natasha," he said quietly. She picked a little red headed doll lying on the floor beside her.
"Was I in some kind of relationship with Clint before my accident?" she asked staring at the worn out doll in her hand. Bruce froze – oh shit. Where on earth did that come from?
"I can't answer that for you Natasha," Bruce said carefully. She laughed softly and placed her head in her hands.
"So I was," she said with a heavy sigh. He cringed – talk about bad timing.
"Clint would never force you into something you didn't fully consent to," Bruce said firmly. She shook her head and pulled her knees up to her chest.
"It's not that. It's the fact that no matter what I do – it's going to kill him slowly that I'm not her," Natasha said shutting her eyes tightly. Bruce tensed beside her.
"You only stop being Natasha Romanoff when you stop believing that you are Natasha," Bruce said after a few moments of silence. She hugged herself tighter.
"Sometimes I don't even know who she's supposed to be anymore," she whispered into her knees.
"Forget who she's supposed to be – who do you want to be?" Bruce asked carefully.
"I want to be someone Clint Barton can be proud to call his partner," she said quietly.
"That's not good enough Natasha. You were always that someone - you need to be more specific," Bruce said shaking his head.
"I want to be strong enough that when all of this is over – I'll still be me," she whispered.
"Why are you scared that you won't be?" he asked carefully.
"They got into my head once Bruce – what's stopping them from doing it again?" she asked in a hollow voice.
"That's what guns are for. That's what we're here for. And god damn it if that's not enough Clint will never let them get to you as long as he's alive," Bruce said firmly. He felt her instantly grow still beside him the moment he said Clint's name. He knew he hit a sore spot when he felt her heart rate spike to unimaginable proportions – almost to a level considered hyperventilation. When a person doesn't show any signs on their face that they are practically on the verge of a heart attack – you knew something was wrong.
"You know…there are a lot of things out there to be afraid of Bruce. Most people are scared of things they don't understand. But nothing scares me more than the fact that I know that the day Clint Barton dies – it's going to be my fault," she whispered finally looking up at Bruce's sad eyes.
"How are you so sure?" Bruce asked quietly.
"Because he'll always take the final hit for me Bruce – he always does. One day it's going to be too close. One day he won't wake up to tell me I worry too much. One day he's going to be gone," she said as her hands fell into her lap and the little red headed doll fell to the floor.
"You can't live your life by what ifs Natasha," Bruce said shaking his head. She stared at the floor with a vacant expression on her face.
"87," she said quietly. He gave her a confused look.
"What?"
"He's almost died 87 times because of me," she said emptily.
"How many times have you almost died trying to save him Natasha?" Bruce asked instead of letting her fall deeper into her little world of despair. She tensed but didn't answer.
"Just as much I'm guessing…" he said looking away from her and out the window once more. The light was fading rapidly as the sun began to touch the horizon.
"Love is a funny thing Natasha. You don't know what it is exactly until it's gone. But in the end you realize it's the only thing that keeps us alive," Bruce said to the silent agent. "Don't wait until it's gone Natasha. Go find him and tell him what you've been going through all by yourself for the past 20 years. So he blew a fuse – he's not perfect Natasha. It doesn't matter if you two have a 3 year gap between you – you can't possibly hope to fix the present until you've come to terms with the past," he said as he pushed himself off the ground and dusted himself off as he stood in front of her. She gave him a cautious look.
"You know that saying 'history has a tendency to repeat itself'?" Bruce asked shoving his hands in his pockets.
"What about it?" she asked slowly.
"I have this feeling that if you stick around long enough….everything will happen all over again. Moment by moment until you eventually catch up," he said giving her a small smile. She didn't return his smile. Instead she gave him a doubting look.
"Life doesn't always work out how you want it too Bruce," she said quietly.
"It never will unless you try Natasha," he said as he walked away – there was nothing more left to say. She watched him slip out of the room and glanced out the window – there was an angry confused archer to find.
Memories memories memories memories memories
Steve sat on the ground and leaned against the rusty old warehouse as he stared up at the stars twinkling above them. At least there was one thing that didn't change in the last 70 years.
"Why are you sitting out here by yourself acting like a lonely man?" a voice asked from behind him. Steve sighed - self contemplation time was over.
"Go away Stark," Steve said tiredly. He didn't have the energy that was required to refrain from murdering the narcissistic bastard. Tony was about to make one of his world famous sarcastic remarks when he paused as he noticed a pair of experienced agents sitting on a swing set talking quietly in the distance. They were old souls who were suddenly years apart.
"You're a masochist Rogers," Tony said frankly. Steve snorted.
"No Stark - Bruce is the masochist sitting inside dealing with Natasha because she and Clint are having another round of epic spy drama," Steve replied. Tony paused.
"Fine I'll give you that one. Scoot over," Tony said taking a seat on the cold ground beside the Captain.
"If Bruce and Natasha are inside and Clint is off beating the shit out of some poor defenceless wall – where is Thor?" Steve asked suddenly. Tony paused.
"You know that is a very good question. Where is the gentle giant?" Tony asked glancing around. They both froze as they head a very loud conversation begin inside.
"Jane? Jane? Can you hear me? Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? How about now? Now?" Thor's voiced boomed as he walked in circles inside the large warehouse. Tony and Steve groaned in unison.
"Stark go fix his damn phone before he brings every single assassin in the city to this location," Steve said looking up at the sky and mouthing 'why me?' Tony winced as the demigod continued to boom.
"I shall get right on that. Why don't you distract him while I fiddle with his phone?" Tony suggested as he pushed himself off the ground. Steve sighed and followed his actions.
"Sure why not?" he said as he led them into the warehouse. Tony dusted the dirt off his pants and started making crazy hand gestures to Thor from behind the captain's back. Thor nodded and continued to speak annoyingly loud into his communicator.
"I don't think this invention called reception is very good here Jane!" Thor boomed into the phone. Steve sighed and held out his in front of the booming demigod.
"Give me the phone Thor – you can have it back after Stark fixes it okay?" Steve said kindly. Thor suspiciously glanced at the calm solider. However eventually he handed over the malfunctioning device with a dramatic sigh.
"You have much wisdom dear Captain," Thor said begrudgingly. Steve gave him a weird look and passed the phone to Tony.
"Sure…" Steve said slowly.
"You two tango while I'll be right back…with…the mechanic stuff I need okay?" Tony said as he inched towards the elevator that led down to Coulson's domain. He quickly rod down to the basement level and got out to survey the messy nook full of information that Coulson spent the last couple of years compiling.
"There is always more to the story then what SHIELD agents say…" Tony said as he stared at the thick piles of papers lying all over the floor and clippings pasted across all the walls.
"If I was that high in the SHIELD promotion ladder of succession and had 3 years to sit on everything I knew about the organization… what would I do?" Tony muttered as he started leafing through all of Coulson's work.
"Well that was a stupid question. I definitely wouldn't haul myself up in a tiny nook in the Philippines of all places. Why are you here Coulson? Why did you choose now to let Hill know you were alive?" Tony mused as he dragged his hand across the wall of newspaper articles that highlighted several key avenger appearances through the years. He paused when he noticed a red string running along the wall behind all the papers. He slowly started ripping the articles off the wall to reveal a bigger, bigger interconnecting web of strings on a map with 9 cities circled on it.
"The red web of conspiracy – poetic Coulson, very poetic," Tony said with a snort. He followed the lines that went from city to city.
"Moscow, Dubai, Rio de Janeiro, Seoul, New Delhi, Tokyo, Paris, Beijing…Manila," he paused on the last city that they were currently residing in.
"What's so special about these cities?" Tony asked as he took a step back and surveyed Coulson's work.
"The Avengers haven't been to all these-" he froze.
"Where have you been around the globe Natalie?" Tony asked throwing a stress ball into the air as he watched Pepper's "secretary" work diligently at her desk.
"I used to travel a lot while I was still in college," Natalie Rushman AKA Natasha Romanoff once said to him.
"Like where?" Tony asked tilting his head to the side. She shrugged.
"Like most of the major touristy countries; Dubai, Singapore, Brazil, China, the Philippines, Korea, India, Russia, Japan – the likes," she said as she continued to type on her laptop.
"Um…Natalie? Those aren't all the most common vacation spots for college students…" Tony said slowly. She paused for just a millisecond in her motions of writing up a report for Pepper – he would have missed it completely if he wasn't watched her so carefully.
"Aren't they?" she said warily. That was one of the first red flags that told him something was up with the secretary.
"Was that a lie or just a convenience truth?" Tony muttered as he continued to leaf through some of Coulson's books. He knew Red was a very well-travelled assassin with high profile assignments from around the world – but sometimes he wondered why her assignments were always so far away from each other. What type of targets did she have exactly? How random were they actually? He paused as he came across a well-worn journal stuck between a series of atlas in a shelf beside the map. He opened the journal and was bombarded with the messy handwriting that definitely belonged to Coulson. Guess some things never change. He flipped through the pages and stared at one of the most faded and scratched up pages in the book.
Project Arcanum test subjects
May 1, 2014
Brazil - Sylvia Nijinsky - find and ask her about Vladivostok
May 2, 2014
Singapore - Sylvia Nijinsky - death by assassination
May 5, 2014
Dubai - Pierre Vladimiroff - death by assassination
May 8, 2014
France - Michel Fokine – death by assassination
May 14, 2014
India - Marius Petipa- death by assassination
May 15, 2014
Russia - Yekaterina Geltzer- death by assassination
May 18, 2014
China - Theodore Kosloff – death by assassination
May 19, 2014
Japan - Lydia Lopokova – missing
Japan - Rudolf Nureyev – death by assassination
May 20, 2014
U.S. - Natasha Romanoff – alive but location unknown *need to find
Tony froze as he got to Natasha's name. He glanced back all the rest of the names…they were all Russian. They were all scattered. They were all dead.
"What kind of shit went down between these people before Natasha joined SHIELD…?" Tony asked in shock. If these were the 9 people from the project in Vladivostok that Coulson was talking about they were in trouble. The question was - why?
Tony flipped the page and came face to face with a wall of text. It was a photocopied list of locations…locations in which Natasha Romanoff has been sighted over the last 10 years.
"Okay this is just creepy Coulson!" Tony said shaking his head. At the bottom of the sheet said.
*All data found on hard drive belonging to Ivan Braginski. – Who is he?
Tony froze.
"Oh my god…they've been tracking her for years!" Tony exclaimed as he read and reread the notes in his hands.
"Coulson you are a genius….a creepy little 17 year old genius with a lot of time – but a genius nonetheless," Tony said shaking his head. He flipped the page again and watched as a sheet of paper slipped out and fell to the ground. He slowly picked up the messy note and froze.
He read the note. He read it again. He quickly glanced up at the calendar on the wall – today was May 24, 2014.
He read it one last time.
"Oh shit….oh shit…guys? GUYS? WHERE IS NATASHA?" Tony shouted as he ran out of the room. The piece of paper that was just in his hand floated to the ground and lay forgotten on the cold basement floor.
Project X
May 1, 2014, Manhattan, U.S.A
Phase 1: Amnesia virus incubation state date…
May 22, 2014
Phase 2: Encourage subject transport…
May 24, 2014, Manila, Philippines
Phase 3: End of incubation period.
Memories memories memories memories memories
Two weary shield agents sat on an old rusty swing set not too far from the warehouse where the rest of the Avengers were having the drama of the hour.
"How could you let us think you were dead for 3 years Coulson?" Maria said staring at the ground in front of her. Coulson sighed as he slowly swung back and forth on the swing.
"When you say us, you really mean you right?" he said quietly. She tensed.
"Does it make a difference?" she asked blankly. Phil winced.
"I was a mess at the beginning Maria," he said quietly.
"So you just didn't want any of us to see you all broken and battered? Is that it?" she said tightly – the anger simmering just below the surface.
"I wasn't ready to see anyone Maria. I could barely walk, let alone talk or make any intelligible sounds," Phil said shaking his head. Maria tensed.
"Those aren't memory transfer side effects," Maria said slowly. He smiled weakly –she was always the brighter one.
"Not they're not. They're the side effects of a body being comatose and inactive for 2 years and suddenly jerked to life with a new conscious to control it," he said answering her unasked question.
"How long did it take you to relearn everything?" she asked quietly. He furrowed his brow as he tried to think back to those first few months of hopelessness.
"I think it took about 6 months…" he said trying to remember back to when he was a shell of a person.
"Then what happened?" she asked.
"I pissed off the council and nearly got terminated," he said flatly. She froze.
"What?" she asked incredulously. He shrugged.
"I told them they could take their future plans and shove it up their ass. Instead of peacefully allowing me to die in my own body they had to screw me and a little boy over just for their own god damn agendas. They didn't like that very much…" he said kicking a stone across the field in front of them. Maria paused as she slowly connected the dots.
"You ran for it," she said in realization. It was obvious. He shrugged.
"Yup."
"As a 15 year old boy who hasn't fully developed since he was 12 years old?" she asked incredulously.
"Uh huh," he said.
"How long did it take them to find you?" she asked knowingly. He laughed lightly – he could never pull one past her.
"3 months actually – I was very good at slipping out of their hands at the very last minute," he said giving her a cheeky grin. She rolled her eyes.
"What did you do when they finally cornered you?" she asked cautiously.
"I took a gun at pointed it at my head," he said like it was no big deal. She did a double take – the horrifying words did not match his calm expression.
"What?" she shouted.
"Yeah, I told them either they would let me go and allow me to live my life however I wanted or I would destroy any hope of repeating the procedure on another agent and getting similar positive results. I'm the only one who's ever survived and was considered medically sane – that made me indispensable for the moment," he said warily.
"What did they want? To make you become head of SHIELD when you got a bit older?" she asked sarcastically. He didn't laugh.
Silence.
"That was sarcasm…," she said slowly.
"The council does not have a sense of humor," he said expressionlessly.
"They would never leave you alone Coulson – even if they said they will – they'll always keep tabs on you," she said gravely. He nodded.
"I know – why do you think I'm hiding out in the Philippines?" he said with a sigh.
"Nowhere is far enough Coulson – you'll never stop running," she said quietly. He smiled weakly.
"I'm not running away Maria, I'm running to protect things that are important to me and I was trying to fix as many problems as possible before…before it all went to hell…" he trailed on uncertainly.
"It's not your fault that people are dying Coulson," Maria said quietly. Coulson sighed.
"I've been working in the intelligence sector for a long time Maria – I have my share of mistakes that have led to countless innocent deaths," he said emptily. At that moment he looks so much older than his 17 year old face. No matter what he said – she knew he was Coulson under all the identity crisis.
"You're starting to sound like Natasha you know?" she informed him cautiously. He laughed softly.
"Natasha is like a walking pillar of guilt mixed with determination and pure strength. I'm tired Maria – I may be stuck in a young body but I've been around for a long time. All I have left is the guilt," he said with the sheer mental exhaustion evident in his voice. She didn't know what to say to a man who has seen it all and who will likely out live her to see it happen all over again.
They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes as they were both lost in their own thoughts.
"Hey Maria – was I a good husband?" he asked suddenly. Maria froze as she stared ahead of her trying to keep the ghosts that have been haunting her for the last 3 years at bay. He was a kid now. He was a kid now. He was a kid now. She chanted to herself.
"Yes… yes you were a very good husband," she said finally. He smiled softly.
"That's good. I'm glad I had a decade of your love before you hate me for the rest of your life," he said calmly. Now she was alarmed. Why does he keep saying things like that?
"Why would I hate you Coulson…? Sure you made a shitty move hiding from us but I can forgive you for that eventually," she said furrowing her brow.
"I wish that was the only thing I did," he said after a few moments of tense silence.
Maria stiffened.
"What do you mean Coulson….?" she said giving him a cautious look.
"Natasha doesn't actually have amnesia," he said vacantly. Maria blinked – what…?
"It's a set up. The accident she had was most likely planned to inject her with a specialized virus that mimics amnesia symptoms," he continued quietly.
"How do you know this?" Maria asked slowly. He was starting to freak her out.
"I've been talking to a lot of people and hacking a lot of systems. The problem is that everyone I find is already dead or ends up dead several days later," he explained as he continued to swing back and forth beside her. She didn't think she liked where this was going.
"They were watching their contacts…" she said slowly.
"Yes they were."
"That's why you got caught!" she exclaimed. He winced – that's when everything went to shit.
"I know - I should have been more careful," he murmured regretfully.
"What do they want exactly...?" Maria said slowly. Coulson sighed.
"They want to take out SHIELD completely – for many reasons; a major one being that SHIELD took one of the best assassins they've ever trained. Another one being the fact that we shut down a lot of their trafficking operations across the world. They are pissed and what better way to destroy an organization then start from the top and break up the iconic team and leaders?" he said quietly.
"Wait…why is no one after Fury?" Maria asked carefully.
"I never said no one is after Fury..." Coulson said steadily.
Maria froze.
"How many double agents do we have Coulson...?" she said sitting stalk still.
"I don't know," he said grimly.
"How long have they been planning this?" she asked disbelievingly.
"Years Maria…years," he said shaking his head.
"We need to get Romanoff out of here," she said instantly standing up.
Coulson gave her a sad look.
"It's not going to work," he said regretfully.
"Why not?" she demanded.
"Because the virus in her goes live in 1 hour," he said staring at his hands. The implications behind his words finally came crashing down on her. 1 hour…
"Oh my god Coulson! Why didn't you tell us before? WHY DID YOU WAIT UNTIL NOW TO TELL US?" she shouted as she shook him vigorously.
"I couldn't tell her directly…" he said she as stared at him with a look of utter betrayal on her face. "I couldn't tell her… because then otherwise...they'd kill you Maria," his voice cracked as they both stared at the metal bands attached to her wrists. Maria's heart literally stopped beating for a moment. So that's what the Russian bastard meant by her days being numbered based on an important decision…
"Oh my god… oh my god! How dare you Coulson? How dare you?" she shouted as she angrily slapped him across the face. She wanted to do so much more – but there just wasn't time.
"You….ugh!" she tore her eyes away from his guilt-ridden expression and sprinted down the path that led back to the warehouse.
"I'm so sorry Natasha…" he said staring down at the microchip embedded in his own wrist. He was just a boy now. Damn technology.
Meanwhile the clock was ticking for the Avengers and half of them didn't even know it yet.
"Natasha!" Tony and Maria shouted at the same time and smacked right into each other as they rounded the corner.
"Stark!"
"Hill!"
"Where is Natasha?" they asked at the same time.
"We need to find her!" they said together.
"How do you know?" they said at once.
"Coulson just spilled a shit load of crap and we are running out of time!" she said breaking the shouting in unison cycle.
"You just found out now? I know he didn't tell us a whole shit load of things because I just found that shit load of information downstairs! What's going on?" Tony asked angrily.
"I don't know but you have less than an hour to figure this out!" she said hurriedly. Tony paused as he replayed her words in his head.
"Why are you saying you…?" Tony asked suspiciously. Maria winced.
"Somehow I die in the process! But that doesn't matter! Where is she?" she asked quickly. Like she could say something crazy like that and expect him to not notice.
"Wait you do WHAT?" Tony shouted.
"Guys...? What's with all the screaming?" Bruce said slowly walking out of the warehouse. They both promptly crowded Bruce's breathing space.
"Where is Natasha?" they shouted at him. Bruce winced from the volume.
"She just went to find Clint..." he said slowly.
"Shit!" they both took off in opposite directions.
A/N: I answered as many question as I could…but I have a feeling I have just created new ones as well. XD
THE ENTIRE NEXT CHAPTER IS CLINTASHA! I PROMISE!
P.S. does anyone want to beta this story? XD