Chapter 20: Knowing

JPOV

I pulled my teeth out of her flesh when I heard my cell phone buzzing. I jumped out of the window and saw her name on the screen. Ellie. How long has it been? Two hours?

"Hi Ellie," I said. Of all things to say, this was the lamest, but I really didn't know what else to say.

"Hi Jess," she answered, with a thick voice. She shouldn't have been crying. Sure it hurts, the first time. But not like this. Not emotionally. At least not when you're both so in love.

"Did you get my message?" Another stupid thing to say. Of course she got it. I asked her to call me whenever she was ready.

"Yeah. Where are you?"

"I'm in Seattle," I admitted. I had wanted to stick around for her. But I couldn't. The urge to run over and bust in was too strong. This was something between her and Edward. None of my business.

"Oh. So you were… hunting?"

"Um… yes." The only thing that could keep my mind of today.

"For blood or for sex," she tried to joke, but her voice cracked.

The answer was for both, but I couldn't tell her that. Not after Edward had made her bleed and then had wanted to bite her.

I wouldn't tell her my sex partner was now bleeding empty on the carpet. She tasted good, it was a waste, but this phone call was way more important.

"I don't know what to say, Bella. Do you want to talk about it? Or need me to distract you?"

"Neither I guess. I just wanted to hear your voice. I thought he would be back by now."

"You haven't heard from him?"

"Yes. He sent me a text saying how sorry he was, but when I tried to call him, I got no answer."

"He probably ran to the mountains to feed as much as he can. There's no cell signal there."

"Maybe." She sounded hopeful. This option hadn't occurred to her. Damn Edward for making her believe you ran out on her.

"Do you want me to meet you somewhere?"

"No. I'm staying right here in case he comes back. And you probably shouldn't come here, because of the smell."

"He'll understand."

"I don't mean your smell." Oh, I see. The blood.

"Well in that case he better not come over either."

"Hmmm. Perhaps."

"I'm sure it will all be fine, darlin'. I think your expectations were just too high. You've been waiting and almost planning this for months, so you were bound to be disappointed."

"All I wanted was for him to make love to me, Jess," she whispered.

"That's what he did, right?" I had felt plenty of love. Didn't she know?

"It didn't feel like it. He hardly looked at me. And he didn't touch me, he just… pushed in."

The rage in me was firing up again. I knew she would be hurt, but hearing now that he had done nothing to soothe her pain, angered me to no end.

"Jess, are you still there?"

"I'm here. Listen. Here's what we're gonna do. I'm running to the cabin right now. And you put on some nice music, and then we'll talk until he gets back from his hunt."

I didn't know if he was hunting or brooding over hurting her, both were highly possible, but I thought it better if she believed the first.

We didn't mention today anymore. Instead we analyzed music lyrics until we got too poetic and then bashed some TV shows we both hated.

I felt that she was getting really tired, but she stubbornly tried to stay up for him. From time to time she babbled nonsense when she was starting to drift off. Until I finally ordered her to sleep, telling her I would go find Edward myself.

She merely hummed in consent and the connection was broken.

I ran to her house to pick up Edward's trail and was reassured when I heard her steady breath and felt her peaceful mind.

I had been right, the trail led straight to the mountains, where he had fed on three kills and then roamed around aimlessly.

I found him sitting on the ground against a rock, and the state he was in turned my anger towards concern.

I wanted to text Bella, but noticed that I had no signal either.

I knew if I stayed here, he was going to read things in my mind I didn't want him to know. But he was still my brother, so I sat down next to him.

"I know," I said, before he could read it. "I was around. I'm sorry."

"I figured you would. Quite protective over Bella, aren't you?"

I didn't know what to say to that, except for the truth.

"Yes."

"Well you didn't do a good job protecting her today, Jasper."

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean. I almost bit her," he snarled.

"But you didn't."

"Not because of your protection. I don't know how I was able to run. I wanted it…" He shook his head in disgust.

"I wouldn't have been able to stop you if I had been in the same room. But I would have been in time to turn her."

"Turn her?" He looked at me with a shocked expression.

"Yes. Save her if you slipped."

"It could have been worse, but I still messed up, Jasper."

"Yeah, I think you did. But you can make it right again. She's waiting for you to make it right."

"How? This was her one and only first time."

"She doesn't care for that. She only cares for you."

"Does she tell you that?"

"Only all the time."

"You see, I get another feeling. To me it seems as if all she ever talks about anymore is you."

"Well me and her do have a lot in common, and our friendship has helped us both."

"Who are you kidding, Jasper?"

"It has."

"Friendship," he repeated with a disgusted face. "Don't lie to the mind reader."

Panic was slowly creeping up but I controlled it, and I calmed him down as well.

"I can swear that it's no lie if I say that we are friends," I said slowly, carefully choosing my words.

He turned his face towards me and looked at me.

"I'm sure you are friends, Jasper. But I see different things as well. I can't read her, but in your mind I see… enough."

"Okay. So I'm attracted to her. I'm a single man and my best friend is a beautiful girl. Is that a crime?"

He sighed and rested his head back against the rock in a very human movement.

"So it's just sex that makes you want to hold her at night?" He asked so soft it was almost too quiet for me to hear.

But I heard alright, and as his words pierced through me, I had to gasp for air. He knows much more than I was ready to admit.

"I just…" I started, actually thinking of ways to run from here.

"You don't have to explain. I get it."

"No, you get it wrong. Alice has been gone for so long now. You have no idea how much I miss her. I don't allow myself to think about her when someone is around, because I have no control over my gift and you would all end up miserable. But believe me, I miss her so bad. And sometimes I wish I had someone to hold at night. Someone like Bella. Not her. But like her. She knows my pain."

"If the knowing you is a plus, than you do mean her."

"No. I mean I want to find somebody that knows me, like her. And that I can trust, like her. You and me, we talked about it before. I said I wouldn't touch her and I haven't."

"I know. But I still get the feeling you're out of line."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I really don't want to screw this up. Honestly, would I be here helping you, if now would be the perfect opportunity to make a move on her?"

He let it drop and stared in front of him again.

"So did you talk to her?"

"Yes. She's worried about you and I told her you were probably hunting."

"Worried about me? I almost rape her and then I almost kill her, and she worries about me."

I almost flinch at his choice of words.

"Sounds like her."

"Yes it does," he said, shaking his head.

"So what you should do now, is get back, call her up, and tell her how much you love her."

Because I don't think she knows.

"She doesn't?"

"Not enough. And tell her you'll try again and do better."

Without the blood it should be easier.

"She'll be sleeping. I'll wait till the morning."

"No don't. Don't let her wake up and check her phone to see nothing. Do it right now."

I got up and stretched out my hand to help him up. Vampires don't need pulling hands, but I just wanted to reach out to him and show him my intentions were honorable.

Despite the fact that I want her like crazy and think about her every night.

I just have to snap out of that. Because I know she's my brother's girl.

I just have to.

He grabbed my hand to jump up, released me, nodded once, and we ran back together.

AN: Now you know how Jasper felt and how he reacted... Are you surprised?