Chapter 21:
Carla
"Right so what's the plan?" I smack my hands together as I reach the bottom of the stairs, after finishing my make-up. Nick was sat reading the newspaper on the sofa and I throw my arms around his neck, kissing his cheek from behind.
"The plan for what?" He puts the newspaper down and I go around to join him, stealing a bit of toast off his plate on the coffee table.
"The plan for the scan?" I remind him, nudging him playfully at the rhyme. "Nick? You booked it."
"Oh, yeah." He suddenly comes back to reality. "Uh I'll come and get you from the factory at twelve if you want."
"Are you ok?" I check, taking his hand in mine and he moves his gaze to look at me. "Are you nervous? About today?"
"...No." He lies, worrying it would make me nervous.
"Well I am." I admit. "So you can tell me you are too."
"It'll be fine." He reassures me, even though I can tell he is equally trying to convince himself.
"Yeah it will." I try to sound confident. "So crack a smile yeah? I thought I was the one who was supposed to be moody."
"You never told me..." He trails off.
"Told you what?" I worry, suddenly stressing that I'd done something wrong.
"The other day, you said you needed to tell me something?" He reminds me. "I forgot about it until now."
"Oh..." I begin, knowing it would just dampen his mood further, but having no excuses. "It's was just that Tracy came in to my factory, a few days ago..."
"And said what?" Nick's expression grows serious.
"She was trying to get me to thank her for dropping the charges.." I admit, reluctantly. "But Aidan sorted it, so don't worry."
"She wanted you to thank her?" He repeats and I nod hesitantly.
"Yeah but I didn't and it's all sorted now, isn't it?" I check, not wanting to set him off. "She said she was just messing with us anyway."
"Messing with us?" Nick snaps, and I'm slightly taken-aback. "She got the police involved! It wasn't cheating in a game of Scrabble."
"Well that's what I said... Well not exactly what I said." I register his comparison. "But I basically told her she was a devious cow and Aidan got rid of her so, we don't need to worry... Do we?" I stare at him, gently grabbing his chin and turning his head to look at me. "Do we, Nick?"
"Don't talk to me like I'm a child." He responds, like I was patronising him.
"I wasn't!" I object.
"Yes you were-" He begins before seeing my expression.
"Please." I exhale, begging him. "We've got the scan today, can we just forget about it? Please?"
"Yeah, sorry." He nods and I stand up, grabbing my leather jacket that is slung over the sofa.
"Good." I reply, as he stands up. "Right I'm going to work, remember, factory at twelve."
"Yes, yes." He nods and I sigh before kissing him on the lips and leaving the house. Honestly, I thought I was supposed to be the hormonal one.
Nick
"No, Daniel!" I try to steady my voice, watching him pour the glass of wine I just told him to forget about. "I said clean that table, we've got a reservation in fifteen minutes."
"Well it's just that, she ordered it and it doesn't take long to-" He begins.
"It's either clean the table, or lose your job." I warn him and he looks slightly scared, before finding a cloth and the spray. "Good choice."
"You won't have any staff left if you talk to them like that." I hear Michelle from behind me, who I hadn't realised was there.
"Like they can afford to leave anyway." I huff and she raises her eyebrows at me. "...Sorry, I had no sleep at all last night."
"And you're worried about the scan?" She prompts me and I hesitate.
"Wow, Carla really does tell you everything, doesn't she?" I reply, a slightly irritated tone to my voice.
"Yeah because she's terrified and all." Michelle reminds me, as if I wasn't aware. "Why don't you go and buy her some flowers or something? I can cover here."
"No thanks, got to keep busy." I respond, not having any desire to go near Tracy's shop. She'd probably poison the flowers anyway.
"It'll all be fine you know" She assures me, as I lean on the bar, taking a sip from the glass of wine that Daniel had poured. I realise how good it tasted, the rich, silky liquid gliding down my throat. I hadn't had a drink in months, because I hadn't wanted to in front of Carla, but out of temptation, I take another long gulp, before Michelle takes it out of my hands. "Alright, you don't want to be half cut when you see your baby for the first time." She reminds me, and I try to think of some snide comment to come back with before realising there was no point and it wasn't necessary. "What time is the scan anyway?"
"Half twelve." I drone and she checks her watch.
"Well hadn't you better get a move on then?" She holds her watch in my face and I see it's already ten past.
"Oh!" I exclaim, remembering Carla's order to pick her up at twelve. "I've got to go."
"Yeah I think you'd better." She nods, as I rush around the bar. "Good luck!" I just wave her off as I exit the Bistro, hurrying towards the factory and pushing the doors open.
"There you are!" Carla calls over to me, and I paint a smile on my face, as all the workforce acknowledge my presence. She is stood with her bag, ready to go, her mobile held to her ear. "I was about to come and get you, I thought you'd forgotten."
"Course not." I lie, but saying it brightly all the same.
"Right I can't get hold of Aidan so Sally, you're in charge whilst I go to the dentist." She announces and Sally's face brightens up.
"Ooh and that takes two of you does it?" Sean grins, stretching a pair of knickers between his hands. "Need him to hold your hand?"
"Yes I'm having a very painful filling." She lies, a hint of sarcasm to her voice.
"Don't worry I've got it all in hand." Sally beams, approaching us with a clipboard. "Would you like me to move into the office-"
"No thanks Sal." Carla replies, bluntly before linking my arm and tugging me off.
"The dentist?" I question as we leave the factory and she opens the passenger door of my car. "Couldn't you think of anything more imaginative?"
"Nick, they can't tell red from blue." She smirks, clipping her seat belt in place. "I doubt they're going to clock on to where we're really going."
"Sally looked pleased." I try to start any conversation that didn't involve the scan as I begin to drive in the direction of Weatherfield General.
"Oh yes of course she was." Carla laughs, taking one of the mints out of the pot in the hold. "She'll act like the queen of that place for the next couple of hours."
"Where's Aidan then?" I continue and she checks her phone in case he has messaged her.
"Well he went to this meeting this morning, but I thought he'd be back by now." She tells me. "Oh well, probably copped off with her, guess it'll get us some business."
"He's taken over from you then." I reply and she flashes me a sarcastic smile as we pull into the hospital car park. It falls silent then, as I take my time parking and I can see Carla staring at the hospital warily. We sit for a moment, pretending to check my pockets so we can delay the process. My heart was beating so fast and I knew hers was as well.
"Right come on then." She tries to sound cheery, but her tone wavers as she says it. "Don't want to be late, now you've held us up."
"Hold on." I stop her before she opens the door and she turns to look at me, her false smile fading. She waits for me to say something, but instead I just lean in and place a lingering kiss on her lips. "I love you, ok? That will never change."
"Nick, everything's gonna be alright." She replies and I don't know whether she's reassuring me or herself. But reluctantly, she moves her gaze to the car door and gets out, leading the way towards the hospital.
Carla
"So I'll explain to you how this works." The midwife begins, scribbling something down her the clipboard.
"No need, I know the drill." I reply, wanting to get this over as soon as possible.
"Not your first child then." She smiles and I avoid looking at Nick.
"...No." I mutter, lying back on the bed.
"I see you came into hospital a few weeks ago." She checks her notes.
"Yeah I just had some cramping." I inform her. "They gave me the all clear, just wanted to make sure though."
"It's perfectly normal in a lot of pregnancies." She reassures us. "Hot water bottles and baths are your best friend.."
"Hm, take notes." I tap Nick on the shoulder, finally looking up at him and he tries to conceal the worry in his expression. Wow, this was hitting him hard.
"Right well I'll begin the scan then if you're ready." She turns to her computer, messing around on it and leaving us in awkward silence as I roll my top up. I felt sick. This was my fourth baby scan and it definitely felt like the most nerve wrecking. I'm worried I am about to hurl into the bin beside the bed, before she turns back to us, gel in hand. "As you probably know, this might be a little cold."
Yes. I knew. I knew all too well.
I feel the scanner suddenly glide across my tummy and I have to clasp the paper sheets so hard in my fist to stop myself from throwing up. The feeling was one that couldn't be described or experienced unless you were in this moment, and it just made me feel heartbroken. I wait for a noise, I wait for something, the steady heart beat.
"...What's going on?" I demand, suddenly and I reach for Nick's hand, which he squeezes tightly.
"Hold on a second." She frowns at the screen and my heart plummets in my chest. No. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, I felt so dizzy. The silence is painful.
And then I hear it. Faint but getting louder.
I want to scream, I want to cry. I feel so overwhelmed all of a sudden, my eyes immediately brimming with tears.
"Is that it?" I suddenly ask, not realising I would get this emotional. This was the worst I had ever been; I didn't even apologise for crying this time.
"That's the heart beat." She nods, smiling as I wipe away tears. I turn to look at Nick, who I was surprised to see had tears in his eyes, fixated on me. "Here you go." She turns the screen around and I'm faced, without warning, with the black and white image that is beyond imaginable. My heart hurts as I stare at it, seeing the heathy baby inside of me, or what I can make out as one. It was alive, it was there, just like my other baby girls had been.
"Sorry I uh..." I stammer, trying to breathe through tears. "...I lost my other two babies... I, it's just a weird feeling... Brings it all back, you know?"
"I'm sorry." The midwife returns, looking sympathetic and I suddenly feel Nick's warm embrace as he kisses me on the forehead, stroking the hair out of my face.
"Look, that's your baby." I look up at Nick, who looks like he can't quite believe it. I suppose it's probably more crazy to him, he's only ever been to one baby scan as far as I know and he hadn't been to any of Lauren's.
"That's our baby." He corrects me and I whimper happily at the word.
"All happy and healthy." The midwife reassures us. "So nothing to worry about."
"It took a while to find the heartbeat, I was worried." I tell her.
"Sometimes it can do, but it doesn't affect anything." She informs us. "It's just the positioning in your uterus, it's different for every pregnancy."
"I guess maybe ours is a bit lazy." I manage to laugh, still transfixed by the image on the screen. "Can't imagine why; I never sit down."
"Yeah I wouldn't be surprised if it had a little pair of stilettos on in there and all." Nick jokes.
"I think that might hurt a bit." I wince at the thought..
"I'll print you out a picture." The midwife tells us, writing some notes down on her notepad, with the other hand still holding the scanner on my tummy.
"So everything's ok?" I check, feeling calmer now I could hear and see it. "Like I mean, really ok? Because I need to know it is."
"Everything is absolutely fine." She promises me. "You just need to avoid stress, make sure you're relaxing, begin telling friends and family if you want now you've got the thumbs up."
"Oh she's already started that." Nick replies, nudging me and I let the midwife take the scanner off my stomach as she offers me a cloth.
"I'm gonna need a shower now when I get home." I pull a face as I try to wipe the sticky gel off my tummy.
"And here you go." She passes me the scan photo in a folded booklet and I open it, nearly crying again. She hands me a small folder with 'baby Tilsley' written on it and it makes me smile. "In there there's some leaflets and things, you might want to have a read through. There's stuff about cravings; what women like and don't like to eat, some positions that can help ease cramps if you do get any more. Tips to help you relax, which it sounds like you need."
"Thank you." I smile appreciatively, putting the scan photo into the folder carefully as Nick helps me up off the bed. I meet his eyes briefly, desperate for him to kiss me but the presence of the midwife is clearly putting him off.
"Come on then." Nick points to the door. "Thank you for everything."
"No problem." She waves us off. "See you at the next scan."
We walk in silence for a moment as we exit the hospital, both trying to absorb what just happened. I feel Nick's fingers brush mine and he intertwines our hands. I stop before we reach the car, causing him to do so as well and I turn to look at him.
"Happier now?" I dare to ask and he sighs, pulling me in to his chest and wrapping his arms around me. He doesn't say anything, he just holds me, I can tell how relieved he is, and shocked. It was hitting me; this was actually happening, and this time, I was going to make sure nothing went wrong. My life depended on it now, me and Nick's. This was our chance at a future and nothing was going to stand in our way...
Nick
I've been focusing on the same prolonged buzz that is pounding in my head for so long, Carla appears in the doorway.
"Hey, are you making that butty or not?" She frowns at me, still with an excited smile on her face. She was so happy, so relieved, I could tell.
"Yeah, sorry babe." I snap myself out of my thoughts, putting the two slices of bread together and cutting it in half.
"You still in shock?" She guesses and I look up at her.
"...Yeah." I nod, believably. "It's just sinking in that it's actually happening."
"I know, tell me about it." She replies, watching as I scoop two pickles out and putting them on a plate, screwing my nose up at the sight of them. "Hey, I don't like them either."
"Why eat them then?" I finally crack a laugh.
"Because it's not me who's making the decisions.." She points out and I pass her the plate. "We need to get that garden sorted, and the Christmas tree... And presents... Oh."
"You actually want to get a Christmas tree?" I call after her, entering the living room and sitting down on the other sofa.
"Well I know we'll end up getting one anyway." She shrugs. "Ugh, I need to write Christmas cards. I'm so behind this year..."
"You don't write Christmas cards." I narrow my eyes.
"Yeah I do, for people I actually like." She insists. "Which will be a very short list this year, I guess that's a blessing."
"I don't want you to stress or worry about anything." I suddenly tell her and there is an element of surprise in her expression at my immediate change in tone.
"I know you don't, Nicholas." She responds, edging up her sofa so she was closer to mine. "So why don't you tell me what's up today? To save me stressing about that and all."
"Oh uh... The scan, you know." I remind her, as if she'd have forgotten. "And I didn't sleep well."
"I know you didn't." She grins. "Drove me insane, I need to get my beauty sleep while I still can."
"Ah very sympathetic." I return, sarcastically and she bites her lip happily before putting her plate down and coming over to me. She sits down, throwing her legs over my lap and cuddling into my side.
"You are alright, aren't you?" She checks, breathing in the scent of my aftershave.
"Yeah." I respond, bluntly but trying to make it sound realistic.
"And we're gonna be ok?" She looks for further reassurance. "The three of us?"
"Of course." I finalise, kissing her forehead and closing my eyes, trying to stop the buzz, trying to stop my thoughts.
Carla
"Hiya." Michelle greets me as I push the door open to her flat. "This is a nice surprise."
"Not working?" I observe. "Makes a change, seems that's all you do nowadays."
"So... How was the scan?" She asks, picking up on my cheery tone.
"Happy and healthy." I inform her and her face lights up.
"Ah that's brilliant." She comes over to hug me.. "And Nick's pleased?"
"Well... I think so." I pause and she frowns at me. "I think he's still in shock, just a bit dazed, that's all."
"Well he seemed pretty het up about it at work earlier." She tells me. "Shouting at anybody he laid his eyes on."
"...Really?" I reply, my worry growing stronger.
"Yeah... But I mean, I'm sure it's nothing to worry about." She tried to reassure me, realising I was now stressing about that. "You were both nervous about the scan. But it's all fine so that's good news."
"I tell you what Chelle, it took her a while to find the heartbeat." I admit to her. "My heart was in my mouth, I felt like I was going to be sick everywhere."
"Sometimes it can take a while." She says, as the midwife had and she puts the kettle on. "Do you want a brew?"
"Uh..." I debate getting back to Nick. I told him I had only popped out to tell Michelle and had dropped the Connor's a text to let them know everything was ok. But right now, I wanted to be selfish and not cater for a grumpy husband, who I had told to get some sleep anyway. "Yeah go on then, Nick will be sleeping with any luck."
Nick
"You are currently second in the queue." The automated voice informs me, which had been counting down from ten for the past half an hour. I was wary Carla was going to be back soon, and I check on the lasagne that is cooking in the oven, placing the vase of flowers that she had received off a client, into the middle of the table. "Thank you for your patience, please continue to hold." This was so frustrating. Why did it take me half an hour to talk to a real person? "You are currently second in the queue." She repeats again and I take a deep breath out. "Please hold, and a consultant will be with you shortly."
"For God's sake!" I shout, slamming my fist down on the kitchen counter in anger.
"Please continue to hold... You are currently first in the queue." She recites, as if my outburst had never happened. "Your call is important to us, please continue to hold."
"Oh yeah right." I drone, trying to prevent my anger from building again.
"Weatherfield General Hospital, neurology department. Katie speaking, how can I help you?" A different voice sounds down the phone. Finally.
"Hi it's Nick Tilsley. I need to book a consultation if possible." I try to explain quickly, staring at the door as if Carla would walk through it any second. She was taking longer than expected, which I suppose was a good thing. "I've tried to ring a consultant a few times the past few days, but I think I need to come in to see them.."
"Yep, let me just find your files, can you confirm your date of birth for me Mr Tilsley?" She asks brightly.
"Uh yeah it's the thirty first of the twelfth, nineteen eighty." I reply, and there is a pause as she searches through her files.
"Brilliant, so you wanted to book a consultation?" She checks. "Are you having some trauma or is it just a check up."
"I don't know." I answer honestly. "I just want an appointment."
"Right ok, what days are convenient for you?" She questions.
"As soon as possible." I respond, knowing it's not strictly the answer to her question.
"Ok well we've got an appointment next Monday at 11am, if that suits you at all?" She informs me and I roll my eyes.
"Is that the soonest you can do?" I sigh, not wanting to wait until Monday to get this sorted.
"I'm afraid so, I can contact you if any appointments are cancelled." She explains as the door opens and my heart suddenly pounds at the sight of Carla.
"Yeah that's fine." I lower my voice, watching her through the crack in the kitchen door as she begins to approach the kitchen. "Monday's fine."
"Ok I'll get you all booked in then." She tells me as the door swings open. "Ok that's all booked, I-"
"Hey, who was that?" Carla smiles, warmly as I hang up the phone and put it down on the windowsill.
"Oh, supplier." I lie, convincingly. "Wanted to push the order forwards to Monday."
"Something smells nice." She changes the subject and I am relieved that I've clearly convinced her.
"I'm cooking a lasagne." I tell her and she turns to face me again.
"My prince." She squeezes my cheeks, placing a kiss on my lips and observing the readily laid out table. "Ah, this is very sweet of you. Candles and everything."
"Yes well you deserve it." I return, bending down to get the lasagne out of the oven. I grab it with the oven mitts, placing it on top of the grill and allowing it to cool for a moment, leaning back against the oven. "How was Michelle?"
"Really pleased for us." She nods, hesitating before saying something else. "She uh... Said you were a bit cranky in the Bistro earlier on."
"Oh... Yeah." I try to shrug off, trust Michelle to go blabbing to Carla. "I was just worried about the scan."
"And is that all?" She checks.
"Yes. For the four hundredth time today, that is all." I snap slightly and she pauses, staring back at me but not looking surprised.
"It's only because I care." She phrases it carefully, clearly wary that I'll snap again.
"Yeah, sorry." I mutter, shifting my grip on the oven and not realising my hand has collided with the lasagne dish, until I feel a sharp burning sensation in my hand. "Ahh!" I shout, tearing my hand away and Carla jumps at my outburst. "Ow!" I kick the oven, aggressively, nursing my burnt hand in the other, watching as a red, blistered mark slowly begins to rise.
"Cold water." Carla prompts me, pointing to the tap and not wanting to move from the spot she was stood in. I follow her instructions, flicking the cold tap on and bathing my hand under it, as the pain slowly dulls. She approaches me hesitantly, watching the water trickle over my hand. "Any better?" She gently takes my hand, looking at the red mark. I have to resist from tearing it away from her, I was perfectly capable of handling it myself and I didn't need her sympathy or input. "See there's no need for all the kicking and screaming-"
"Oh just shut up!" I suddenly snap, storming past her and heading upstairs. I felt awful, as soon as I'd said it, as soon as I reach the top of the stairs I want to go back down, hold her, kiss her, tell her everything was going to be alright. But the truth is, I didn't know whether it was and I can't imagine she'd want a hug off me now anyway.
I sit down on the bed, staring at the wall opposite, not even moving apart from the steady breaths in and out. There was no doubt I'd have upset her. She was probably crying, or texting Michelle to tell her how shocked she was. She was only trying to help me. That was the problem, I always pushed away the people who tried to help me the most.
We were similar, me and Carla. More similar than I had realised when we began our relationship. We both tried to keep our problems to ourselves. We both lashed out when we were hurting, particularly at the ones we loved. We had both been scarred by our pasts, and we both longed for happiness, deep down, even if we didn't want to admit it sometimes.
I sit there for ages, as the time slowly ticks away. I hardly breathe, I hardly blink. I just stare ahead of me, trying to rearrange my thoughts which were all stuck in one massive jumble, probably an explanation for why I was getting so frustrated.
But eventually I get up, knowing I can't hide away for any longer.
I'm surprised she hasn't left, run off to Michelle's or anywhere for that matter. Even gone for a walk to get away from me or clear her head, try and work out what's going on. But she knew what was going on, she'd have realised by now, and my mobile phone lying in front of her on the kitchen table was just extra proof of that.
"You told me we were going to do this together." She says, her voice low as I enter the kitchen, leaning up against the door frame. I study her, sitting in one of the chairs opposite me, worn down, tired, confused. "I thought you said you'd tell me everything?"
"...I didn't want to worry you." I reply, which is the truth but I can tell it's not the response she wanted.
"Oh right." She avoids my gaze, nodding in the same way she always does when she's annoyed that somebody hasn't been honest with her. "So I just had to find out like this? Well that's good because I'm having a ball now." She holds up the phone, sarcastically. She hesitates, staring back at me, waiting for me to try and excuse myself. "The supplier? Couldn't you think of something more imaginative?"
"Not off the top of my head, no." I return, and she unlocks my phone, scrolling through my call history. I don't stop her, I don't even approach her, I just let her do it.
"Consultant, brain department, brain department." She recites, reading the calls out from the past few days. "Weatherfield General."
"That was actually to confirm the scan." I jump in and she lowers my phone, looking at me with a look of betrayal. "I know I said I was going to tell you, but I didn't want to put you under any more stress. Not with the whole police situation and then the scan today."
"So why not tell me when I got home?" She raises her voice, standing up. "When we knew everything was ok with the scan and the charges had been dropped? Why did you lie to me, when I walked through the door just then?"
"Because I'm ashamed of myself!" I shout and she doesn't come any closer to me, just stares back at me with frustration and confusion at my words. "Do you know how embarrassing it is? To not be able to add up simple figures at work? To feel like I'm not strong enough? To feel damaged and broken and ruined, all the time?"
"The last bit yeah." She inserts, before letting me carry on.
"I'm ashamed of who I am, I'm ashamed of this." I point to my head. "I can't help myself kicking off, I can't help myself crying over Lauren, at three o'clock this morning because I'm sick with worry. What does that even make me?"
"...Human." She responds, swallowing as she does so and it shuts me up, as I dare myself to look at her. "My husband, the father of our child. A son, a brother, an uncle. The manager of a business, a friend. A person who has emotions just like me, like everybody else." She pauses, watching my face soften at my words and she doesn't look cautious or scared or worried as she steps towards me, placing a hand on my cheek. "But do you know what I am? I am the person who is going to stand by you no matter what. No matter what's going on in your head.. If you get up one morning and can't remember where you put the TV remote, or if you wake up from a nightmare at four in the morning, wanting to cry, I'll hold you. Just like you would me." She stops as we stare into each other eyes, seeing the pain of the past and the hope of the future reflected in both our gazes. "You told me once that no matter how hard I pushed, you weren't going anywhere. Well the same applies, Tilsley. So get used to it." She manages a small smile, before moving her arms to wrap around my neck, pulling me close, swaying as we stand there. A mess of nerves and fear and hope and love.
Carla
"So have you booked that appointment?" I finally ask, breaking the silence as I stir the reheated lasagne around my plate. I can see he's avoiding the question. "Nick?"
"Yeah, Monday." He responds and I nod, pulling my phone out and going through the calendar.
"What time?" I persist gently, not wanting to push him too far.
"It's at eleven." He replies in the same sunken tone and I put a star by the date in my calendar.
"Ok I'm sure Aidan can cover my meeting." I say and he looks up.
"You're not cancelling your meeting just so you can come with me." He tells me and I raise my eyebrows.
"No I'm not, I'm asking Aidan to cover it." I point out.
"Ok well you're not missing your meeting then." He sighs.
"Yes I am, that's exactly what I'm doing." I reply, firmly, showing him that I wasn't going to budge. "Because your health matters a damn lot more to me than a meeting with Sid Altree. In fact I'll be glad to get out of it."
"Sid Altree?" He recognises the name. "Well he'll be put out that he hasn't got you to flirt with in the meeting then."
"Tough." I take a sip of my water and we continue to sit in silence for a few minutes. "So when were you planning on telling me then? Hm? Were you going to wait until after the consultation, after the results... Or just try and end it like you did last time?"
"I don't know." He confirms, still looking tense and I decide to change the topic, to stop him from having another outburst..
"The midwife said we could start telling people." I remind him. "Although I don't think now is the best time for that, what do you think?"
"I'd rather just wait a while." He admits, pushing his plate away like a stroppy teenager.
"...You know, it's really nice this." I wave my fork between us, sarcastically indicating the situation. "This comfortable silence we can just sit in, where we can just stare into each other's eyes and enjoy one another's company."
"Don't push it." His voice is still calm, as if he's done all his shouting for today.
"...Or what?" I dare to ask and his eyes flicker towards me, shock reflected in them at my reaction. He stands up, heading towards the door of the kitchen. "Where are you going?"
"For a run." He tells me, and I can hear the hurt in his voice as the door slams. I push my plate away and lower my head to the table. Stupid. Why had I said something like that?
He had clearly already been planning to go for a run, because he had changed into a t-shirt and jogging bottoms when I arrived back from Michelle's. But he probably intended to make some excuse about not going to the gym for a few days, kissing me on the forehead, telling me he wouldn't be long.
I remembered all this happening, and I remember how it ended.
White or red.