Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that awesomeness, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. None of Britney Spears' backup dancers were harmed in the filming of this episode. Disclaimer over!
The 24 Parody Project
Episode 21
3:00am – 4:00am 'The Pursuit Of Crappiness'
AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!
Fred enters the writer's room, sitting at the table with fellow writers Paul and Sam.
Fred: Well, I don't know about you guys; but I sure am glad we were able to survive our encounter with the Muppets!
Paul: Yeah, that was not fun.
Sam: Agreed.
Fred: But all that is behind us now, and we can finally get on with our lives.
Receptionist Betty walks into the room carrying a box.
Betty: Here, Fred, somebody left this for you.
Fred: A gift? Who could've left this for me?
Fred takes the box and opens it, he pulls out a card.
Fred: Hmm…..
The card reads:
"I told you that 'It wasn't over'! A gift from an old friend. –Big Bird"
Fred: WHAT!?
Suddenly, a cloud of green gas bellows out of the box. –POOF!-
Fred: uuuuugh….. –COLLAPSE!-
Sam: Hmm…..
Paul: How odd….oh well, I guess we can take it from here. Let's get to writin! (Laces his fingers to 'pop' them.) –CRACK!-
Paul: Ow, my brittle fingers….ooooh, that stung……
-LATER-
MEANWHILE, AT THE LEGION OF DOOM!...(oh brother)…..
Evil Dictator Archduke Milo Von Pressman is sitting at the head table of the other members of the Legion Of Doom. On his head lies a plastic container with a giant brain in it...oookay.
Milo Von Pressman (standing up): My evil minions! Tonight we will attack the city! Those pesky 'Awesome Friends' won't stop us now! MWA, HA, HA!
Chloe and Morris are the only other ones sitting at the table.
Chloe (as The Evil Feline Femme Fatale): Purr! Yes, those 'Awful Friends' will be destroyed. Purr!...God, this is so stupid!...Seriously, can I take this costume off!? It's itchy and I think it's giving me fleas!
Morris (as The Evil……..CLUMP!): CLUMP SMASH!...dahling!
Milo Von Pressman: This is my evil plan…..
Milo Von Pressman whips off a sheet covering his master plan. –WHOOSH!-
Milo: We will build a rocket that will go into space.
Chloe: Most rockets do.
Milo: At the time of the lunar eclipse, which is set to go into motion tomorrow at noon. The rocket will detonate, sending millions of thumbtacks towards the earth's surface!
Morris: CLUMP…..confused?
Chloe: Uh…..thumbtacks?
Milo: YES! Thumbtacks! These little devils will impale all the citizens of 'Prude City', and it will hurt…..really…..really…..bad! HA, HA!
Morris and Chloe look at each other.
Chloe: Um…..Milo…..
Milo: ARCHDUKE!
Chloe: Ugh…..Archduke Milo….
Milo: VON PRESSMAN!
Chloe: Shut up!
Milo: Okay….
Chloe: Doesn't thumbtacks seem a little……I don't know……..the stupidest idea ever!?
Milo: No…..it is my will……as….THE EVIL ARCHDUKE MILO VON PRESSMAN!...HA, HA, HA!
Chloe whams her head on the table as Morris eats some cheese.
Morris: CLUMP hungry! CHEESE good!
Chloe: -groan-……
MEANWHILE, AT THE SUPER LEAGUE OF AWESOME FRIENDS!
Captain Bauer enters the 'Hall Of Justice' with the other Awesome Friends.
C. Bauer: Awesome Friends! Together we will fight for justice and freedom! State your names…..
Michelle: I am The Ice Princess; Fighting foes with my awesome frozen powers.
Kim: I am The Amazing Kim-Napped! I have the extraordinary skill of getting myself abducted!
Someone pops out of the vent and grabs Kim.
Kim: EEK! –SWOOP!-
Tony: I am 'CELLULAR BOY!'….for I have the power to change my ring tone on my Nokia…..anywhere in the world!
Jack: Uh….
Karen: And I am…..'The Flying Chef!' I can conjure food wherever I am……and I can fly……and read minds……….and walk through walls……
Jack: Wow, what sucky superpowers……moving on to today's plan….
Suddenly, Bill Buchanan appears on screen, he does not get a cool super name…..because he is not super.
Bill: Rude! Anyway…..AWESOME FRIENDS! We have a situation….
Captain Bauer: What is it, Bill?
Bill: The Legion Of Doom is going to attack the city!
Michelle: When?
Bill: Tomorrow! They are going to launch a rocket into space when the lunar eclipse happens. The rocket will then explode releasing thousands of thumbtacks onto the people of Earth!
Michelle: You're kidding, right?
Jack: AHHHHHH! Thumbtacks!?
Jack runs and jumps out of a window. –CRASH!-
Michelle: That was unexpected…..
THE NEXT DAY….IN THE CITY OF 'PRUDE'…..THE LEGION OF DOOM IS ABOUT TO STRIKE!
Milo Von Pressman: This is it! My Criminally Criminal Mastermind Plan is about to go into affect! HA, HA!
Chloe: Purr, Archduke! The 'Awesome Fools' are here!
Chloe coughs up a furball. –HACK! SPLURT!-
Morris: EW! Dahling, that's disgusting!
Chloe: Give me a break, I'm a cat…woman….thing….oh I just hate this entire scenario. Those stupid Fox Writers are really starting to get on my nerves!
Milo Von Pressman: Get them!
Captain Bauer, The Ice Princess, Kim-Napped, Cellular Boy, and The Flying Chef arrive on the scene.
C. Bauer: Not so fast, Von Pressman! We're throwing you in the slammer.
Milo: We'll see. Get them CLUMP!
Morris: CLUMP SMASH!
Chloe: Uh….I feel a little outnumbered.
An eagle swoops down and grabs Kim with its talons, flying off into the distance.
Eagle: CAW!
Kim: AHH!
Chloe: Well, that's a little better.
Michelle: Eat frozen death!
Chloe: Purr…..man, will this thing end? Can't we start the stupid show already!?
Michelle whips out a 7-11 Big Gulp cup, grabbing a handful of ice and lobbing it at Chloe! –RATTLE!-
Jack: THAT'S YOUR POWER!?
Michelle: What?
Jack: That's…..just awful…..
Chloe: Take this!
Chloe pulls out a cat from under her jacket and flings it at Michelle. –MEOW!-
Michelle: ACK!
Tony: Oh no, my cell phone just died!
Karen: I just made a sandwich!
Paul walks into the writer's room to see Fred shredding all the drafts of the episode.
Paul: Hey! What are you doing?
Fred: We got accosted by Muppets because of episodes like this. I'm not going to let that happen again.
Paul: Well…..about that….
Fred: Huh?...What did you do?
Paul: That was the first draft…..
Fred: You already sent the final copy through?!
Paul: Uh….sort of….
Fred: Crap!
Receptionist Betty (on speaker): Fred, please report to the front desk. There's a 'Big Bird' here to see you…..
Fred glares at Paul, who chuckles nervously.
Paul: I'm in trouble, aren't I?
Fred: Oh yes……big trouble……-sigh-…..I'll deal with you when I get back. For now, I have Muppets to deal with.
He storms out the door grabbing a baseball bat along the way. –SLAM!-
Paul sits back down on the desk.
Paul (writing): Previously on 'The Awesome Friends'…..
Beep…..beep…..beep…..beep……bepbepbpepbepbpebpepbepbepbe….24!!!!!
Tom Lennox's Stunt Double: Previously on 24…..
Jack: WHAT?! Tom Lennox gets a stunt double!? Why can't I get one? Doing all my stunts is dangerous!
Producer: Budget cuts…..
Jack: Weak!
-SWOOSH-
Bill: Rolando Callahan has gotten away and is threatening to release a deadly toxin into the city's water supply. We good folks here at CTU are on the case….in this stupid tree house.
Billy The Psycho Kid: …that belongs to me!
Billy smacks around some guy and pops in 7th Heaven on DVD.
Billy: Where is Callahan?!
Terrorist: He has a secret hideout at the carnival.
Bill: Go get him AWESOME FRIENDS!
Chloe: -ahem!-
Bill: Oh, right. We weren't doing that anymore… (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)
-SWOOSH-
Jack gets tranquilized, falling to the floor. He wakes up at a mysterious house.
Jack: Where am I?
Rolando: I've decided to finish you off for good, by setting up these explosives.
Jack: There's only way out of here!
Jack pulls out A Wish Troll.
Jack: I wish myself out of here!
He rubs the gem stone on its stomach, the Troll self destructs. –POOF!-
Jack: Well, guess it's
Jack: Well, I guess I'm resorting to 'Plan B' then…. (JACK BAUER)
-SWOOSH-
Hit men are opening fire upon Chloe, Michelle, and Tony, who are ducked behind the car that wrecked against a telephone pole.
Chloe: This is bad!
A taxi cab drives through, knocking the assailants out of the way.
Hitman: EEK! –WHAP!-
Karen: Hop on in! (KAREN HAYES, THAT ONE GIRL, THAT OTHER GIRL, AND HER HUSBAND)
Tony: Nice…….
Chloe types at her computer.
Chloe: I got it; I managed to lock the tracking into place and retrieved Jack's location.
Taxicab Driver (pulling out a gun): Not so fast!
Chloe: Crap…..
-SWOOSH-
The peoples at the counter terrorist unit walk down the street. Cars pull up and they pounce.
Bill: Ruh roh!
Morris: I got this under control.
Morris lets off a smoke bomb. –POOF!-
Milo and Nadia clear the smoky goodness.
Milo: We got separated from the group.
Nadia: There's no time to stick around here, we need to move.
Milo's mother 'Mama Pressman' opens the door to her house.
Mama P: Milo! Come in, I made brownies!
Milo: Sweet!
-SWOOSH!-
Steve: This is Adam Logan's Chicken Fry Palace; you are going to be serving the drunks here.
Bill: Oh goody.
Morris and the others are surrounding the computer.
Morris: I don't understand, the connection just dropped.
The Frialator 9000 explodes as the gang jumps into the back alley.
Hit Man: You're coming with us.
Baxter: Don't you people have anything better to do than kidnap people?!
-SWOOSH-
Sherry Palmer: I am the new director of CTU.
Kim (to Baxter): I think CTU is collapsing.
A giant piece of debris falls on Sherry. –CRASH!-
A doctor wheels Sherry out of surgery. (SHERRY PALMER)
-SWOOSH-
Charles Logan runs away from the CTU wreckage. At a Train Station….
Martha Logan: I can't believe I'm helping you escape.
Logan: You help me….I help you.
On the train….
Logan: That looks like Australian President Harry Love…..
Harry walks up to the two.
Harry: You left your purse in my car.
Martha: Whoops….
Logan: Good going… (CHARLES LOGAN)
-SWOOSH!-
Michelle: Oh crap, Marilyn Bauer is dead.
Tony: We'll solve the mystery.
Michelle: Yeah, we suck as CSI's
Later in a limousine…
Marilyn: Where are you taking me?
Harry: You'll see.
The driver sticks a needle in President Love.
Harry: What the hell are…..you…..doing…..ugh….
He passes out. The driver reveals herself to be Mandy.
Marilyn: Thank you for saving me.
Mandy: I wasn't.
Marilyn: Oh……that's not good.
Mandy (pointing a gun at her): You're going to have to come with me.
Mandy gets Marilyn out of the car and they take off running down the street.
Michelle: The following takes place between 3:00am and 4:00am.
Rain starts to pour down in front of the 'Super Geek 24 Hour Internet Café'. Inside, the taxi cab driver has Chloe, Michelle, Tony, Karen, the rest of the computer peeps held hostage at gunpoint. Why are so many people out and about this early in the morning? I don't know, they're weird. But enough about them, let's continue to see when these people are going to bite the big one…
Chloe: Oh thanks, I feel much better….
The Driver, whose name is Les (yes, he does have a name), paces back and forth frantically. Michelle scoffs impatiently.
Michelle: Are you going somewhere with this?
Les: I need to know where Audrey Raines is. Then I'll let you go.
Michelle: Oh please! I'm not falling for that. Besides, we don't even know where she is!
Les: That's unfortunate…(He picks up his ringing phone)
Les: Yeah…..oh you did?...Good…..yeah, these guys claim not to know where she is…….yeah…..let me know if you guys have any luck getting any answers on your side.
Tony (fiddling with his cell phone): WHAT?! Almost 3 bucks to download a ring tone?! What a rip off!
At the Pressman Residence.
Nadia walks downstairs into the living room. Milo is chowing down on brownies. –MUNCH!-
Nadia: Milo, uh….can I ask you something?
Milo: Sure.
Nadia: Um…..why doesn't this house have any restrooms?
Milo: Don't be ridiculous! Of course this house has a restroom.
Nadia: Well, I checked here and upstairs and…..yeah…..no bathroom to speak of.
Milo: Let me show you where it is.
Milo and Nadia walk upstairs and down a hallway. They approach a door.
Milo: Here we go.
He opens the door leading into a storage room.
Nadia: This doesn't look like a restroom.
Milo: Hmm…..I guess we don't have any restrooms. Oh well, go in that corner over there.
Nadia: WHAT?! I'm not…'going'…in a corner!
Milo: Don't worry, I won't look.
Nadia: That's not it.
Milo (turning around): Look! I'm turned around, I'm not looking.
Nadia: Forget it. Let's just go. I'll go to a convenience store or something.
Milo: Fine….
Milo reaches for the doorknob to the room when it breaks off, falling to the ground. –KLINK!-
Milo: Uh oh….
Nadia: Uh oh!?...Uh….what 'Uh oh'?
Milo: Uh…..nothing! Nothing's wrong.
Nadia: Then open the door.
Milo: Um…I…..can't.
Nadia: I'm sorry….You can't?...Why not?
Milo: Because….the….knob….fell….off….sorta. (He holds up the doorknob).
Nadia: That's kind of a big 'Uh oh'.
Milo: Yes. Yes it is…..
Nadia: So now we're stuck….
Milo: Yes. Yes we are…..
Nadia: That's just great….
3:05:07, at Rolando's secret hideout base.
Jack is tied up as the bomb in front of him keeps ticking.
Jack: Okay, I can do this…..I just need some a good 'confidence boost'.
Jack squirms around, pulling his 'Daily Affirmations Calendar' from his pocket.
Jack: Perfect!
Jack reads today's date.
Jack (reading): Well, you've had a good run. Don't make too big of a mess when you go 'boom'!...WHAT?!
He tosses the calendar away.
Jack: What sucky affirmations. I don't feel better at all.
He looks at the bomb and gets an idea.
Jack: Let's see….
Jack tries to shuffle into a 'lying down' position, desperately trying to grab the bomb with his feet. –SWIPE!-
Jack: Almost….almost there…..
A bird flies in and flies into the bomb, knocking it back several feet. –WHAMP!-
Jack: Stupid birds! Ugh, why did he leave that door open!
On some street, a van zooms by. Bill, Baxter, and Morris are tied up inside. One of the men who kidnapped them leans down to Bill and pulls down the handkerchief that was in his mouth.
Bill: That handkerchief doesn't taste very good.
Kidnapper Bob: We know Audrey Rains was with you. Tell us where she is….
Bill: Why?...She's not a witch again, is she?
K Bob: Uh….no. We just need to borrow her.
Bill: For what?
K Bob: Quit asking questions!
Bill: Well, that's not very fair.
K Bob goes back to the front.
Driver Rod: How's it going?
K Bob: Not well. They aren't talking.
D Rod: Yeah, I just got off the phone with Les. They got some of CTU held up at the Internet Café off of 4th street. But they're not telling where Raines is either.
K Bob: We have to find her or the boss is going to be miffed.
D Rod (handing him a gun): You know what to do….
K Bob: Yeah…..
He grabs the gun and heads into the back.
Bill: Are you going to shoot us?
K Bob: If you don't start talking.
Bill: We got separated.
Baxter (spitting out his handkerchief): Yeah, because of that smoke bomb.
Morris (spitting out his): Well, I didn't have a choice…..
K Bob: Well, I'm going to give you guys some time to…'try to remember'…and you better come up with something when I get back.
He heads back up front.
Baxter: Okay, we have to get out of here.
Morris: I know!
Morris reaches for another smoke bomb.
Bill: ACK! No, not another one….
Baxter: Wait…..that actually might help us this time….not like last time where we all got separated.
Morris: It's always 'Morris' fault'…..isn't it.
Baxter: Actually, it is.
Bill: Yeah.
Morris: Hmph!
3:10:12, Mandy and Marilyn Bauer walk underground to a Subway Station.
Marilyn: What's happening? Why am I here?
Mandy: Uh…just get in.
Mandy forces Marilyn into the subway. They take a seat.
Marilyn: Will you please answer my question. Why am I here? The last thing I remember was….being in the terrorist prison. Then next thing I know, I'm in a car with The President of Australia! What is going on here?
Mandy: I can't tell you anything.
Marilyn: You can't?...or You won't.
Mandy: Hey, you're pretty smart……okay, 'I won't'.
Marilyn: Why not?
Mandy: Because it's none of your business.
Marilyn: Well, I was kidnapped, and now I'm here. I think it is my business.
Mandy: Will you be quiet!? I'm trying to play 'Jewel Quest' on my cell phone and you are so breaking my concentration!
Marilyn scoffs and sits back in her seat.
At some convenience store.
Audrey is at the check out register, Kim approaches with a Klondike Bar.
Audrey: Ech…..you eat those?
Kim: Yeah. They are the bomb.
Audrey: Aren't those kinda….fattening?
Kim: Well, yeah….but I work it off.
Audrey: By what?
Kim: Huh?
Audrey: How do you work it off?
Kim: What?
Audrey: Your fat!
Kim: WHAT!? How rude, I am not fat!
Audrey: No! I meant what do you do to lose weight?
Kim: Well, I'm Kim Bauer, I'm always on the run.
Audrey: I see.
Kim: See that suspicious individual standing at the window twiddling his fingers together mischievously? He's probably like "Oh look, it's Kim Bauer. My oh my, she looks pretty today. I think I'll kidnap her and we can go to a nice picnic and we can get married and have a 'Jerry Seinfeld' ice statue at the reception" yeah….I can see that happening.
Audrey: Do those kidnappers usually return you?
Kim: That was uncalled for.
Clerk: Is that all you want?
Audrey: I'll take a hotdog.
Kim: EW! Audrey, that's just gross.
Audrey: What's wrong? I'm hungry.
Kim: Audrey, you don't eat hotdogs from convenient stores, rumor has it that they're tainted!
Audrey: Tainted…with what?
Kim: I don't know, bad stuff.
Audrey: Whatever. 1 hot dog, please.
Clerk: Tainted or Non Tainted? We have a buy one, get one free special going on for our tainted hotdogs.
Audrey: Oh good, that means you can get one too, Kim!
Kim: Uh…
Audrey: Two tainted hotdogs!
The clerk opens the case to see a few mice trying to steal the hotdogs!
Clerk: WHA!?
Bob Mouse: Oh no! It's the humans!
Ted Mouse: He must be after the hotdogs!
Willy Mouse: Run!
The mice try to take off with the hotdog. The clerk grabs the mice and throws them to the side. –DINK!-
Clerk: That's better. (To Audrey) They'll be right out….
Audrey: Great! Did you hear that Kim, he said 'They'll be right out'!
Kim holds her hand over her mouth on the verge of blowing chunks.
Kim: Brrrph…
3:15:11. Milo and Nadia are sitting down in the 2nd story storage room at Mama Pressman's house / Jack is kicking his legs frantically trying to escape / Tom Lennox is walking down a corridor in the White House / Sherry is flipping through channels in her hospital room.
Tom rounds a corner and enters the Oval Office.
Tom: Mr. President, you should get some sleep.
Noah: I don't know, Tom. We need to find out what happened to Karen. Her insanely fast helicopter never left the airfield. I know she's not that useful and she eats all my food around here, but she is an important member to the staff.
Tom: Really?
Noah: No, that's my exhaustion talking. But we should probably do something anyway.
Tom: What do you suggest, sir?
Noah: I don't know, Tom……I don't know…..(He turns to look out the window).
Tom: ….hmmm…..well, great! I'm off then!
Noah: You can't leave!
Tom: Mr. President, please! It's past 3 in the morning. I want to sleep!
Noah: Not now, Noah. This comes first. Here, take this DNA sample.
Tom: What?
Noah: Take it downstairs to the lab.
Tom: We have a lab?
Noah: Of course we have a lab. You will take this nasty wad of Karen's hair…
Tom: Gross.
Noah: And take it to the search hounds.
Tom: I beg your pardon, sir?
Noah: These search hounds will smell her nasty wad of hair, and set out to find her.
Tom: Mr. President, if I may object….
Noah: If you must…
Tom: I really don't think sending search hounds to find Karen is a wise idea.
Noah: Why not?
Tom: Well, we are in Washington D.C.
Noah: And?
Tom: She's in Los Angeles!
Noah: So……that means?
Tom: The search hounds will most likely croak before they get there.
Noah: That is bad, isn't it?
Tom: Uh, yeah….
Noah: Okay, I'll think of a new plan.
Tom: Swell….(He turns to leave)
Noah: Uh, Tom?
Tom: Huh?
Noah: Are you forgetting something? (He shakes the wad of hair at him)
Tom: Oh, you still want to do that…..
Noah: Until I come up with something better.
Tom: -Groan-
Meanwhile, on Das Bus…..
Charles and Martha Logan are sitting in their seats. A homeless man walks up to them.
Homeless Bob: Hi, you have any change.
Logan: No, go away.
Martha: Charles, be nice to the man, he just wants some…..
H Bob: Do YOU have any change?
Martha: Um, I'm talking to my somewhat husband, go away!
Logan: 'Somewhat'?
Martha: I still haven't forgiven you for your stupid actions back then, so I'm referring to you as my 'Somewhat' husband.
Logan: That's nice.
The two of them were conversing while Mike Doyle, who was sitting in front of them, flips through an issue of Time Magazine.
Doyle: Why is this magazine so popular?...Hey, there's that Oprah Magazine……..aw, I already read this one.
Logan (leaning forward): Hey, do you have this month's issue of Oprah's Magazine….'O'…or whatever…..
Doyle: Sure. I've already read it….
Doyle turns around to hand it to him, him and Logan freeze face to face.
Logan: Eeeh……
Doyle: Uh……
Logan: Hi!
Doyle: Charles Logan! What are you doing here?
Logan: I'm not Charles Logan…..this is all a dream!...That's it…..you are only dreaming…..
Doyle: I seriously doubt that.
Logan: Well, I tried.
Doyle: If I recall, weren't you in CTU holding?
Logan: Funny thing about that. The building fell down, I escaped to the train station, ran into Harry Love and some woman, we got caught, and now we're here.
Doyle: Well, I'm putting you under arrest, you have the right to remain……wait…..Did you say Harry Love?
Logan: Yea.
Doyle: Why is Harry Love here?
Logan: Like I would know that!
Doyle: Something isn't adding up. (He gets on his cell phone).
Logan: …..
Doyle: I can't get a hold of anyone…….I need to get back to CTU.
Logan: Heh, good luck with that.
3:20:11. At the hospital, Sherry turns off the television. A nurse walks in.
Nurse: Here you go…..some delicious hospital food!
Sherry: Oh no, I heard all about when Doyle was here. I'll take some 'Burger King', thanks……
The nurse leaves, Sherry relaxes.
Sherry: Ah, peace and quiet. No CTU to worry about. Hmm, I do kinda wonder how they're doing. Oh well, who cares.
She closes her eyes to get some rest…………zzzzzzzzz…………she opens her eyes to see a hand over her head, that hand belonging to none other than George Mason…..oh man…..
Sherry: AHHH!
George: AHHH!
Sherry: AHHH!
George: AHHHH!
Sherry: What are you doing here? I thought you were dead!
George: I'd like to ask you the same thing!
Sherry: Are you here to swipe my soul or something…?
George: Yeah, but this doesn't make any sense….
Sherry: Well if I recall, you blew up in that plane.
George: And if I recall, you got shot by Wayne Palmer's psycho girlfriend. I read up……
Sherry: Well, they brought me back to be a robotic assistant to Ronald Palmer when he was in office, then they just made me human for budget cuts. Then Jack went back in time and ran over Celine Dion which altered the fabric of time and space and made me The Director of CTU……
George: I'm the Grim Reaper…….
Sherry: Wow, I think my story trumps yours……
George: No it doesn't….I'm 'Death'…..
Sherry: TRUMP!
George: I reap the souls of the living…..you should fear me!
Sherry: TRUMPED!
George: No you didn't.
Sherry: So trumped…..
George: Quit it….
Sherry: Trumpity, Trump, Trump, Trump!
George: Whatever.
Sherry: Who was that….Donald…TRUMP!
George: Real mature…..
Sherry: Did I just play…The TRUMP card?
George: -Sigh-….
Sherry (singing): My Trumps! My trump, my trump, my trump. My trump, my trump, my trump. My lovely little trumps! CHECK IT OUT!
George: Uuugggh…….
3:25:13, Back at Mama P's house.
Milo bangs on the door.
Milo: Hey mom! We're stuck up here! Let us out!
Nadia: Ask her why she doesn't have any restrooms in this house.
Milo: I told you to go in the corner.
Nadia: For the last time, I'm not going in the friggin corner!
Milo: Okay….hold it then……..drip….
Nadia!
Milo: Drip……drop……drip…..drop….
Nadia: Milo, stop it!
Milo: Oh, How I love the flow of rushing waterfalls! Splishing and splashing all around.
Nadia: Milo, 'Splishing' isn't a word, and if you don't stop talking about watery things, I will kill you where you stand!
Milo: ….
Nadia: ….
Milo: ….
Nadia: ….
Milo: …..drip!
Nadia: Dammit, Milo!
Back in the van where Bill's group is captured….
Morris: Okay, ready….
Bill and Baxter nod.
Morris: I need something to light the bomb with….
Baxter: I don't know….
Bill: Oooh, I have an idea.
Bill crawls up to the front of the van.
K Bob: Are you finally ready to tell us where Audrey Raines is?
Bill: Yes, but in just a second. I just need the van's cigarette lighter.
D Rod shrugs.
K Bob: I guess.
He hands the lighter to Bill as he heads back.
Bill: Okay, try this.
Morris: Good work, dahling, this should be enough.
Morris holds up the lighter to the bomb's fuse……
Morris: Come on, dammit…..
The fuse ignites!
Baxter: Do something with it!
Morris quickly places the bomb near where the two kidnappers are sitting. The fuse burns up…….and nothing happens….
Morris: Uh….
Baxter: Are you kidding me, it was a dud?!
Morris: Unbelievable!
He starts making his way toward the bomb.
Morris: I swear, just once I wanted to make a good bomb to….
-KABOOOM!-
The explosion sends Morris flying to the back of the van. The force of his body slamming into the back doors sends them flying open.
Bill: Whoa!
Bill, Morris, and Baxter roll out of the back of the van as it loses control and drives through the front glass window of a floral shop. –CRASH!-
Baxter (attempting to strangle Morris): You idiot! You almost got us killed!
Morris: Hmm……that didn't look like a smoke bomb.
Baxter: Probably because it was a real bomb, genius.
Morris: That could be why?
Bill: We need to look around and try to find a way to get in contact with everyone. And find Audrey since for some strange reason, everybody wants her.
Back at the convenience store.
Audrey approaches the counter.
Audrey: Excuse me, this hotdog tastes too fresh. I would like a refund please…….Hello?
Audrey looks over the counter to see the Clerk lying down in a pool of blood.
Audrey: Not good.
Audrey walks back over to Kim trying to eat her disgusting food. She opens a bag of potato chips and a mouse pops out.
Mouse: Hello, friend!
Kim: AIEEEEE!
She flings the bag across the room, slamming against the wall. –WHAP!-
Mouse: OW! You crazy broad!
Kim: I swear this place is worse than CTU's cafeteria.
Audrey: Kim, we have a problem.
Kim: You think!?
Audrey: The clerk is dead.
Kim: What?
Audrey: Yeah, I think we need to get out of here, and fast.
Kim: Okay, maybe we'll run into a White Castle or something.
Audrey: You like their hamburgers?
Kim: Yeah, they're pretty tasty.
Audrey: I don't care for them.
Kim: You just haven't been living.
Audrey: I guess not…
A bullet whizzes by them and shatters the glass window next to the table. –SHATTER!- Audrey and Kim hide underneath it.
Kim: Someone is shooting at us!
Audrey: Uh…..duh…..
The mysterious shooter walks up and down through the convenience store.
Kim: Great, now what?
3:30:12. Sherry has her pillow over her face while George sharpens his scythe / Tom is running through the woods with the search hounds on a leash / Mandy and Marilyn are sitting in the subway / Bill is lurking around someone's house, peeping through the living room window.
Marilyn: Will you at least tell me where President Love was taking me?
Mandy: Okay, you are asking way too many questions. Here….
She hands Marilyn a box of Altoids.
Marilyn: Oooh, thanks.
She opens the 'Altoids' tin box and some sleeping gas fumes in her face. –POOF!-
Marilyn: Ugh…..(Collapse to the floor).
Mandy: Much better….
She dials her cell phone.
Mandy (talking on phone): It's me………yeah, I succeeded…….You will have her by the top of the hour……….-sigh-, yes I know that seems kinda weird how I'll be there at that exact time but that's just when I'll be there!...okay……..and I'll get my money as well?...good……..See you soon Mr. Callahan...(Hangs up)…..
Meanwhile, at Some House!
Baxter and Morris are sneaking through the bushes. Bill has some equipment in a bag; he is working in front of the living room window.
Baxter: What are you doing?
Bill: We need to sneak into this house and try to recuperate. I have these tools to cut a perfect shape through glass so we can fit through.
Morris: This house kinda looks familiar, dahling.
Baxter leans out of the bushes and notices the mailbox, which reads 'The Buchanan's!'
Baxter smacks his cougar-y forehead.
Baxter: Oh, for the love of Gobstoppers….
Back at the Convenience Store….
The shooter is scanning an aisle looking for Audrey and Kim; they are sneaking on the other side.
Audrey (whispering): I have an idea.
Kim: Okay.
Audrey: I am going to the end of the aisle and knock something off the shelf. That will distract him, and we make a run for it.
Kim: Sounds good.
Kim looks up and sees a bus pull up in front of the store.
Kim: We're saved….
Audrey: We better move fast, get ready.
Audrey creeps along to the end of the aisle and knocks off a can of beans; it hits the ground. –CLANK!-
The shooter spins around and walks over to investigate the sound. Audrey sneaks back over to Kim and motions for her to 'go', they take off running out the door.
On the bus, the driver opens the door and stands up.
Bus Driver Bob: I need to grab some milk. I'll be right back.
Doyle, Charles and Martha Logan who are also on board are confused.
Doyle: Isn't it kinda inappropriate for him to just stop to take care of personal errands?
Charles and Martha shrug.
Doyle: I won't stand for this. I'm in a hurry; I have to get back to CTU since nobody is answering their phones.
Doyle gets up and walks off the bus. He sees the driver on the ground in a pool of blood.
Doyle: What the?
The shooter fires at Doyle, he runs around the bus into Kim and Audrey.
Doyle: AH! What the hell are you two doing here?
Audrey: Don't ask.
Doyle: And I don't feel safe with Kim being here.
Kim: Why not?
Doyle: Oh let's see, I got shot the last time we were stranded at a convenience store….
Kim: Oh right… (Laughs)
Doyle: Hmph!
Audrey: What are we going to do? He shot your bus driver.
Doyle: Yeah. Kim, run out there.
Kim: WHAT!?
Doyle: I need to use you as bait so I can get the upper hand on him.
The shooter walks back behind the bus where Doyle and the others are.
Shooter: Hello!
Kim picks up a rock and chunks it at him. –BONK!- He falls…..
Doyle: Or we can do that. Come on, I'll drive this bus back to CTU.
Kim and Audrey look at each other.
They get back on board the bus. Kim notices The Logan's.
Kim: Hey! I know you.
Logan: Oh crap…..
Audrey: Um, Mike?
Doyle: What is it?
Audrey: CTU kinda burned down and that's how we all got separated.
Doyle: Burned down? Huh?
Audrey: I don't know where everyone else is.
Doyle: Well, I guess we'll just have to find them.
Doyle puts the bus in gear and starts to take off.
3:35:11, back at the Internet Café.
Les pulls out his gun and points it at Tony.
Tony: WHA!? Why do you have to point it at me?! Shoot Chloe first!
Chloe: Tony, you jerk!
Les: Dammit, I don't have time for this. You need to tell me where Raines is now!
Michelle: For the last time, we don't know where she is!
Les: I don't believe you.
Michelle: Ugh…
Les' phone rings, he answers it.
Chloe: This is stupid; we have to find a way to get out of here.
Tony: I told you I can tell him one of my jokes.
Michelle: Tony, it's not going to do us any good if we all die from being subjected to your stupidity.
Tony: Rude!
Chloe: What do you think Karen……Karen?
They see Karen talking on her phone.
Michelle: Uh!
Les: HEY! YOU! With the phone!
Karen: Oh, hello.
Les (On the phone): I have to go….
He storms toward Karen, who is still on the phone.
Les: I have you held hostage for a reason. You are not supposed to be talking on the phone; do you have a death wish?
Karen: It's really strange, I called The Psychic Friends Hotline, and all I heard was Rolando Callahan talking.
Les: Uh…..no you didn't.
Karen: It was the strangest thing, he was talking about Audrey.
Les: No he wasn't!
Michelle: Karen, how do you know that?
Karen: I don't know….
Chloe: Your guys' lines must have crossed or something.
Les: No they didn't!
Tony tackles Les while he's distracted with Karen and he pins him to the ground. –KLUMP!-
Everyone cheers.
Tony: Okay, scumbag! Start talking.
Michelle: Are you working for Callahan?
Les: I'm not telling you anything.
Tony: Yay! Can we torture him now?
Michelle: Well, okay. But Jack's better at this sort of thing.
Chloe: But how?
Karen pulls out THE WHEEL OF TORTURE METHODS!
Everybody claps.
Tony: Okay, Karen. Spin the wheel!
Karen: Will do!
She spins the wheel as hard as she can. It spins……..and spins……..and spins……
Chloe: And spins……..
Michelle: Karen, stop the wheel.
Karen grabs on, abruptly stopping the wheel.
Michelle: Okay, Karen. What does it say?
Karen: What?
Michelle: The wheel?
Karen: Huh?
Michelle: What does the wheel say?
Karen: ……..I'm not following.
Michelle walks over.
Michelle: This wheel's blank!
Karen (sniffing): Is somebody baking cookies?!
Michelle: Karen, there are supposed to be…..oh forget it. Just tickle him, Tony.
Tony goes at it while Les laughs uncontrollably.
Les (tearing up with laughter): HA, HA, HA! Oh….stop it, HA!
Tony: Who are you working for!?...(Turns to the others). How was my 'Jack' impression?
Michelle: Meh.
Chloe: Feh.
Karen: Mediocre at best. Try to lower your voice a little bit more and put more emphasis and facial expression when you say 'working.' Like this….
Karen walks next to Tony.
Karen (slapping Les): Who are you WORKING for?!
Tony (slaps Les): Who are you WORKING for?!
Karen: Better, just a little deeper with on 'for'. Like: WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR!?
Tony: WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR!?
Karen: Working for!
Tony: WORKING FOR!
Karen: Working for!?...Scrunch your face a little bit more…..
Tony: WORKING FOR!?
Karen: Perfect! Now from the top….
Tony (slaps Les): WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR!? (Slaps him again)
Karen: Excellent, grasshopper!
Michelle: This is so messed up.
Chloe: I just want to go home…..
Les: Okay…..okay…..I'll tell you…….I work for Rolando Callahan. All of us do…..
Michelle: 'All of us'? Who else is there besides you?
Les: No! I'm not saying anything else….
Tony starts to tickle him again.
Les: Okay, okay! I'll talk……A large group of us work for Callahan. He sent us to find Audrey Raines.
Michelle: Why? What is so important about Audrey Raines?
Les: Well, she is supposed to be used as a bargaining chip.
Michelle: Against Jack?
Les: No…..against James Heller.
Tony: The opera singer?
Everyone looks at Tony.
Michelle: Uh, no Tony. Audrey's dad, he's the Secretary of Defense.
Tony: Oh….
Michelle: I don't get it. If you guys work for Callahan, and he want's revenge against Jack; what does Audrey and James Heller have anything to do with this?
Les: They were going to do a trade….
Michelle: Who is Callahan working with?
Karen: Australian President Harry Love!
Michelle: That's ridiculous.
Les: She's right.
Michele: Wha…wha….what?!
Shaggy: Great work, Karen.
Velma: Yeah, you solved the mystery.
Daphne: And you're so pretty too!
Fred: Marry me, Karen!
Scooby Doo: Ray to ro, Raren!
Karen: Thanks!
Michelle: How did you know it was Love, Karen?
Karen: I overheard a conversation at the airport, that's why I left to find Bill and you guys.
Michelle: And you're just now telling us?
Karen: Hey, I forgot! Give a girl a break, geez.
Les: Anyway, Harry Love and Rolando Callahan are business partners. Years ago, Jack Bauer served Callahan a crappy order at the 'Happy Burger'; and Secretary of Defense James Heller outbid Harry on a 'Strawberry Shortcake' lunchbox on Ebay, they swore vengeance ever since…
Tony: That's the saddest story I've ever heard….
Chloe: That's the stupidest story I've ever heard!
Michelle: I agree. Those are really, really awful motives for causing this much trouble.
Chloe: Wait, something isn't right. Charles Logan, Mandy, Ima Mole, Agatha Bauer, and all you guys are working for Rolando Callahan. Rolando ordered the assassination on Love earlier today. How are they working together?
Les: -Sigh- The conference yesterday wasn't real.
Michelle: What? Does Noah Daniel's know about this?
Les: No. But wouldn't you think that 'A Best Friends Forever' treaty sounds a little silly?
Chloe: Yeah.
Michelle and Tony nod.
Les: Harry held the press conference as a distraction to lure Bauer. Things weren't going as well so he wantedso to put more heat on Jack he framed him for the Consulate's murder.
Michelle: He framed him?
Les: Yeah, he poisoned the Consulate's bagel and made it look like Bauer made him choke on it.
Michelle: Let me ask you something that's been bugging me……How did Rolando fake his death yesterday morning?
Les: It's some type of special liquid that puts you into a deep coma and give off the illusion that you are dead.
Karen: Oooh! Like in Romeo and Juliet!
Les: Uh…sure. In office, Callahan felt like the operation was going to blow out into the open, so he faked his death and proceeded with his plan to get revenge on Bauer. They used the same liquid to fake the death of his sister in law, Marilyn.
Michelle: GAH!
Chloe: Marilyn Bauer is alive?!
Les: Yes. Callahan slipped her some of the liquid to 'make her seem like she was dead' to distract Bauer so he can use her later as a bargaining chip later to release the toxin into the city's water supply.
Karen: It may be just me, but did Jack even know Marilyn was dead? I mean she's been gone for almost all the season. Did he even wonder where she was?
Everybody looks at each other.
Michelle: Quit pointing out the show's plot holes!
Karen: Just sayin….
Les: But there was a goof in delivery and Harry got Marilyn, and Rolando had Audrey after that whole 'Witch' mess.
Tony: You're telling me.
Les: That's why they needed to do the trade. But when Rolando lost Audrey, he sent us to find her.
Michelle: Let me make sure I have this straight. Callahan hates Jack. Love hates Heller. Callahan wants Marilyn to use against Jack. Love wants Audrey to use against Heller. Some crap has happened. They switched places, and now Callahan and Love are going to trade their 'hostages'…..
Les: Pretty much.
Michelle: Wait…..did you say Jack was in a hideout armed with explosives?
Les: Yeah.
Michelle: So, why would Callahan blow up Jack when he wants to get him to release the freaking toxin?!
Les: I…..I can't tell you that.
Karen and Tony were playing with candy bars.
Karen: Ooh! Did you ever hear about 'The Birth Of The Candy bar?'
Tony: What's that?
Karen: Oh, crap. How does it go?...Oh!...Okay, on Payday, Mr. Goodbar took his wife, Barbara Hershey….
Tony: Uh….
Karen: Hmm…..I can't remember what happens next. I think they ran over the 3 Musketeers off the corner of 5th Avenue. They were all named Heath.
Tony: That doesn't sound right…..
Karen: And it was pure Almond Joy! Nine months later, Barbara Hershey had a beautiful Baby Ruth! I love listening to M&M, he's my favorite rapper. The end!
Tony: That doesn't make any sense.
Chloe: That and you completely told it wrong!
Karen: Yeah, I'm bad at jokes….oh well…..
Michelle: I don't have time for this, we need to find Jack. Tony, get the directions to where Chloe tracked him.
Tony grabs the paper out of Les' pocket and hands it to Michelle.
Michelle: Okay, let's move.
Tony handcuffs Les to a table. He, Michelle, Chloe, and Karen leave the internet café.
3:45:11. Marilyn is passed out an a motel room while Mandy is on the phone / Doyle is driving the bus while Logan, Martha, Kim and Audrey sit with the other passengers / Jack is asleep / Bill is walking down the stairs in his living room while Baxter and Morris chill in the living room.
Bill: Cup of Hot Coco?
Morris: Yes, please.
Baxter: Sure.
Enough with that, back to Mama P's house. Milo is sprawled out on the floor. Nadia is looking out the window.
Nadia: Milo! I got it; we can climb out of here.
Milo (lifting his head up): Huh?
Nadia: Find something we can use to spelunk our way to the ground.
Milo: Spelunk?
Nadia: It's a word.
Milo: Really?
Nadia: Really.
Milo: Hmm….
Nadia: Come on; let's get the hell out of here.
Milo: Here's a rope.
Back at the hospital.
Sherry is resting in her bed while George Mason outside in the hallway talking to someone on his phone.
George (on the phone): So, let me make sure I'm clear on this. I get sent here to kill off Palmer; she has already died once but somehow got miraculously written back into the show. And due to a technicality I can't kill her again…….uh huh…….then why can't I leave?...How is it against the rules?! She's already dead!...I've only been contracted for 3 appearances on this season! This is going against everything!...Fine, thanks a lot, jerk! (He hangs up)
George walks back into the room.
Sherry: Why are you still here?
George: Funny thing about that actually.
Sherry: I'm listening.
George (sitting down on the bed): I just got off the phone with my superiors.
Sherry: And….
George: I was supposed to kill you.
Sherry: But you can't because I'm so adorable…
George: That's not it.
Sherry: Hmph!
George: I'm supposed to kill you, but you are already dead…so to speak. But…..in order for me to move on, I have to kill you….but I can't! Ha, ha, ha!
Him and Sherry laugh.
George: And if I don't kill you, the future will be altered in ways that cannot be imagined.
Sherry: I see, but I can't die.
George: No.
Sherry: So……we're pretty much screwed.
George: Well, not really. There is one loophole in the whole process that could prevent a disastrous future.
Sherry: And that is.
George: If I'm nearby, it will trick the system into thinking I'm about to kill you then we'll be okay. But if it looks like I'm not doing my job…..then everything will go to hell.
Sherry: Are you telling me that you can't go away?
George: Pretty much.
Sherry: Well this is a damn fine time to throw this conflict into the show's plot with only 3 episodes left!
George: Yeah……sorry about that.
Sherry: How long does this have to last?
George: Until the powers that be get their records straight and release my contract, then I can move on to another target.
Sherry: Well, hell…..
George (walking over to wash his hands): Well, it shouldn't be that bad, I guess we can rent a movie or something. I mean….
George turns around to find Sherry gone.
George: Ah hell……
He bolts out of the room.
Back at Mama P's house, Nadia has her head poked out of the window of the 2nd story storage room. Milo is tied to a rope dangling in the air.
Nadia: How are you doing Milo?
Milo: I don't know….I think this thing is tied too tight!
Nadia: You're fine. You ready to go a little bit more?
Milo: Okay.
Milo gets lowered down a few more inches.
Nadia: Okay, you still doing good?
Milo: Yeah, I think so.
Nadia: Okay, lowering you down a little bit further.
The rope snaps as Nadia goes flying backward.
Milo: AAAAHHHH! –WHAMP!-
Nadia (standing back up): ooh, my head….Milo! Oh hell….
She runs toward the window, she looks down outside to see Milo sprawled out on the front lawn.
Nadia: Milo!...Milo!...uh oh……..
The screen shrinks down at 3:56:11 as Nadia stares at Milo's body as she looks around, not sure what to do / Jack is staring off into space / Bill, Morris, and Baxter are drinking Hot Coco while watching Stargate SG-1 / Marilyn is still unconscious while Mandy takes a dip in the Hotel pool, she answers her phone / Noah is getting ready for bed, while Tom is lost in the woods / Sherry checks out of the hospital; her and George walk into the parking lot / Doyle is driving the bus / Karen is speeding in the taxi cab, Michelle checks the map then points somewhere / Rolando is overlooking one of his employees working at a computer.
Morris: So….are we supposed to be doing anything?
Bill: I'm trying to get a hold of the others. But until then…..More Hot Coco for everybody!
Baxter and Morris: Sweet…
At the hotel pool.
Mandy: Yeah, everything is going as planned. I didn't hurt you too much, did I?
Harry Love: Nope, I just woke up not too long ago.
Mandy: Why did you want me to 'stick you'?
Harry: To lead her into a false sense of security. Her being with me she was panicked, with you 'saving the day', she can trust you; and with that trust you can use it to your advantage to give her to Callahan.
Mandy: Very well, and what about my money?
Harry: Callahan has it, and will be waiting for you.
Mandy: That's not the least bit suspicious…..
Back on the bus.
Doyle: Damn, I've been driving around forever.
Audrey: Where are you going to go now?
Doyle: I don't know…………
Audrey sits back down with Kim and the Logan's. She tries to call Jack.
Audrey: No luck…..
The bus starts shaking violently.
Logan: What's going on?
Audrey runs back up to the front, Doyle has passed out at the wheel. And the bus driving off the road.
Audrey: ACK!
She tries to take the wheel and get the bus back on track; Logan makes his way up front.
Logan: What the hell is going on?!
Audrey: Doyle just….passed out!
Logan: Uh…..we're going to crash.
The bus heads down a steep hill and plummets into the river. –SPLASH!-
Logan: Oh great, now we're going to drown. Thanks a lot Kim.
Everybody on the bus starts boo-ing Kim.
Kim: WHAT!? How is this my fault!?
Meanwhile, the taxi cab is parked in front of a house by the lake.
Michelle: Jack should be here. Let's go….
They get out of the car and start making their way toward the house when it goes up in a gigantic explosion. –KABOOOOM!-
Michelle: AAAHH!
Michelle and Chloe fall to the ground, as the force of the explosion sends Tony into the side of the cab. –WHAP!-
Tony: Oh……a rib…..I think that was a rib……
Karen is unscathed from the blast, as she was carrying an umbrella…….
Karen: Always be prepared, kids!
Michelle lifts her head up watching the house go up in flames as the smoke rises into the night sky.
Michelle: JACK!...Jack!...(Her head plops back down to the ground).
3:59:57
3:59:58
3:59:59
4:00:00
3 HOURS TO GO, THE CONCLUSION TO THIS WHATEVER-PLOT NEXT TIME ON 24……
-SWOOSH!-
Jack might be dead (yeah right!), Milo might be dead (even though he technically has been), and Sherry is supposed to die but she can't because she is dead already…..that's way too confusing.
Rolando: You're too late Bauer, you can't stop me now.
Jack: Oh, well that's too bad. Better luck next time.
Michelle, Chloe, and Tony slap their foreheads. –TRIPLE SMACK!-
-SWOOSH-
Sherry: You have outstayed your welcome. You need to get out of my face!
George: But….
Sherry: Out of my face!
George: But!
Sherry: FACE!
George: Man, I do not get paid enough for this job….
-SWOOSH-
Marilyn: I….can't believe you would do this! I trusted you!
Mandy: Why? I told you not to.
Marilyn: Oh…..
-SWOOSH-
Bill: Morris, Baxter……I don't know how to say this.
Morris: What is it, dahling?
Bill: We……are out of Hot Coco!
Morris: No……..
Baxter: Surely there's a more thrilling plot in store for us than this!
-SWOOSH-
Noah: You're what now?
Tom: I've been captured by these head hunter people and they have me in this giant pot, and they're chopping up vegetables and I think they are going to make me into a delicious stew.
Noah: Hmm……I am getting kinda hungry.
Tom: That's gross and disturbing, Mr. President. But besides that, will you save me already!?
Noah: I guess…..
-SWOOSH-
Jack: How do we stop the toxin from getting released?!
Callahan: You can't…….
Jack: Oh fudge. Ok, well thanks for having us here, bye!
Jack walks out of the building.
Chloe (to Michelle): He's getting kinda rusty.
Michelle: Just a little.
A NEW EPISODE OF 24, NEXT WEEK. Beep….beep….beep….beep….beep….