A/N: This fic is the second prize for my Ton O' Minions giveaway. It was written for fullmetalgrigori, who wanted Letters smut. As such, this is set in the universe for Letters to My Sister, a joint resbang endeavor with absolutrash. It is set during the third part, and while it is potentially an alternative outcome to a canon event, it is definitely not canon to the story. Thanks to ilarual, rebornfromash, and absolutrash for the eyes, and thanks again to my lovely minions for your continued kindness, awesomeness, and support.
NSFW for smut-not ridiculously graphic, but sex is a thing that happens in this. You've been warned.
IMPORTANT NOTE: As with the story this diverges from, Letters to My Sister, this has a lot of strikethroughs that do not show properly on FFN. Reading this on AO3 they will show, but here, strikethroughs appear =like this=
My dear sister,
In truth, while I address this to you, Tsubaki, I know already I will not, cannot, send it. It is-these words can be shared with no one, must remain close to my soul and go no further. I will burn this when I am through, this I also know, yet I have found over the time we've been apart that though I cannot talk through my troubles with you as we did when we were children, to think through them on the page in anticipation of your response, your care and sound advice, helps me to know my own mind, to order my confused and troubled thoughts. And so I will write now as if it were truly to you, my sister, in hopes that I might understand my own heart and mind, for they are in nothing short of turmoil after what happened last night, and I must gather my shattered sense of self if ever I am to face my Wizard again.
But you know not of what I speak, so let me go back to where it started. I mentioned in my last letter that Sir Stein intended a special training session for us, and so it was. When we met him, my father was there as well, and they led us to a moderately sized cave, tall, rounded, perhaps the size of a small home inside. It was lit with torches on the walls, yet there was nothing else to be seen. Sir Stein told us to step inside, and we did, and then he and my father sealed the place with magic, trapping us behind an invisible barrier. I touched it with my hand and found it solid, impassible.
From the other side of the barrier, as we stood, surprised, my father's Warrior told us what we should do as my father stood by his side unhappily, unwilling to meet my eye.
"This is the Cave of Sensibility," Sir Stein began, speaking in that flat tone of his. "In this cave, your emotions are intensified, crystallized, and truth is manifest. You will both stay in this cave until there is a single victor. The barrier cannot be lifted otherwise."
"A-single victor?" I asked, and you can imagine, Tsubaki, that I was completely incredulous, for surely he didn't-couldn't-expect us to fight. "What do you mean a single victor?"
"It means what it means." His face stretched into that crazed grin he sometimes wears-I know you've seen it- and I had to stifle a shudder, Soul's disgust doubling my own. "Can't expect me to give you all the answers. Well then, we'll be back to check on you in two days if, that is, you don't seek us first sooner. Have fun you two!" And with that, the odd, infuriating man bounded off, waving over his shoulder casually as if he'd only just left to retrieve a picnic.
Yet, my father stood behind still, his mouth working as he stared between Soul and I in something akin to anguish, something very like despair. Before he could speak, however, Sir Stein turned around from his place up the path and called out, "Come, Spirit, we need to leave lest their training be interrupted."
My father then clamped his mouth shut, jaw tight. He nodded once and, keeping his eyes on mine, said, "I love you, Maka. You're going to be alright," before turning on his heel and disappearing with his Warrior. I could not tell if the words were meant more to comfort me, or himself.
At that, Soul and I were left alone in that damp, dismal place, left with no obvious escape.
"So we have to fight each other," I said grimly. We were allowed no weapons, no armor, it was but him and myself in plain clothes, trousers and shirts and boots and nothing more, nothing to fight with, certainly.
He shook his head. " I-don't think so. That doesn't-"
But I didn't listen. My fear was mounting, of that strange place, of our strange situation, and you know me, my sister, you know how my fear quickly turns to anger.
"Let's get on with it!" I cried, lunging at him. He tried to avoid me, fend me off, but he does not possess the skills of a trained Warrior as I do, and I easily overpowered him, wrestling him to the damp, dank cave floor to straddle him.
"Do you yield?" I growled down at him, my anger white hot without real reason.
He rolled his eyes at me. "You think it would be so easy, you stupid, violent, rash woman? You think I can simply yield and this will be over? As if it would be so damned simple. Think. I know you have a brain in that idiot bloody head of yours, so use it for once! He said a single victor. We can't yield. Only one can leave, don't you get it?"
He sounded frantic, desperate, and I felt him push his feelings at me through our connection, raw and electric. It began with an overwhelming need to stop this, to protect me, to do anything or everything in order to end this, to have me see reason. But as I blinked down in surprise, my own anger quickly replaced with confusion, as my Wizard was given a moment, but a moment, where the fear that drove him ceased with my attack, where he could feel how close our bodies were, see, truly see, how near my face was, feel my breath mingle with his own, watch me panting, it moved something else within him, something as raw and primal as my anger had been only moments before, thick and heady and twice as hot. I felt like he was burning my soul away with his own, with this something he tried desperately to pull back even as the cave pushed it to its outer limits. The feeling was not unknown to me, though I had long refused to see it, to name it, to acknowledge it and risk it coming to light. His flame sparked my own, an ember that I had tried to smother for so long, banking the fire high and hot in the merest instant, the cave magnifying what was in his soul, what was in mine.
I dread even to write this next bit, to ink the words that would surely blacken my name among any decent society, that would brand me as fallen, as unworthy, that would forever tarnish my reputation were the truth to become known, and yet, you will not see these words, my dear Tsubaki, as no one must see them. Even still, if I am to understand, then I must write them, must see the truth writ large where perhaps, just perhaps, I might make sense of it all. And so I press on, knowing full well that this paper, this ink, will burn long before it has any chance to be seen by eyes not my own.
The magic, the heat, it took us both, and before either knew what we did, our lips met, hot and eager. It is wrong, I know! For me, unwed, unpromised, to kiss a man. It is scandal, a black mark on my name! And yet, if only it were all, a lone transgression. I wish I could say the magic did all, overwhelmed us both, but the magic is merely an amplifier. It cannot work on what is not already there to begin with. It intensifies what exists, nothing more. I have promised, sister, I would tell every truth in this letter, since if I cannot admit the truth even to myself, then what hope is there for me to understand it? Thus I will pen words that I blush to write, that you would surely blush to read, and content myself that you never shall. I fear the mess I make of this and can only be glad for that last truth much as I wish, desperately wish, for your counsel in this, for there was much more than just that kiss.
And such a kiss! We wondered often as young girls what it might be like, to kiss the one who held our heart, the one we would wed. It is strange, warm and wet and pleasant-it is heat and sensation and want. His lips were like nothing I had known, and all I wished for was more and yet more. And then I felt his tongue, his tongue Tsubaki, and every thought was gone. There was only this overwhelming heat and this-it is difficult to describe, and the echo between our souls was so intense that where his feelings ended and mine began is impossible to say, but I needed to be close to him. There was only that single focus, that one true desire. My entire world became him, and nothing else mattered. It was insanity, pure and true, and yet-it was wrong, I know it was-but it was also the greatest, the truest thing I have ever known.
No, that is wrong. I have known a greater, truer thing, but only because this came first. =It is I am there are= I don't know how to write this. I don't know if I even should, but still I push on. After our lips met, then our tongues, after we engaged in that joining for a time, our hands ceased to be idle as the flame between us continued to grow, each new touch stoking it yet higher. Eventually, he sat up and pulled me closer. I was =in his lap= straddling his lap and =that is-we are not= I could feel his =arousal manhood= how much what we did affected him. It should have mortified me, I know it should have. It should have sent me running. I am ashamed to say that it did not. =I wanted= Feeling it made my need to be close to him, to my Wizard, my partner, my Soul-I blush to admit it, but made it grow, and while I knew only what little I had read or heard spoken among the maids, what gossip I had shared with you about such matters, instinct was strong and I-by Eibon, Tsubaki to write such a thing! I moved against him on purpose, so lost was I in-the heat, I suppose-in him. And he made such a noise, low and animal, that I could not help but to echo it, and the feel =of his arousal= of him so close, so near my most hidden part-it was overwhelming, maddening, so much and not nearly enough.
As we faced each other as equals, our hands did not long remain idle. =I-our bodies, we-I= We removed our clothing desperately. =To admit-to remember-but= This is what occurred. As each new layer exposed us to one another, it felt like his hands were everywhere, big and warm and-I know how wrong it was, sister, I know, but it felt right, absolutely right, as though this were always to be, as though we could meet no other end, would wish no other end. His touch was-I have not the words, but every stroke of his hand, of his fingers against my skin set me ablaze anew. I became greedy for him. I wished to explore his skin with my hands, to map every bit of him. =I wanted-I needed= In truth, in truth-I wished to claim him. There was only the thought-or truth-or instinct that he was, must be, mine-that I must be his in turn.
I did not deny my wishes, wishes echoed within his own soul. We touched. We tasted. =We-I mean, he-that is= How may I hope to share what occurred then? Though surely, sister, were you meant to read this, you would have guessed long since. =We= Eventually, we were stripped bare in each other's arms, the fire between us so high and hot that there was room for nothing else. =Our-my-his= I remained in his lap, but we wore nothing, there was nothing between us, our skin, our souls, =our most intimate parts were flush against each other= our mutual need to come together-and I could feel =his manhood-need-arousal= him. Close and hot and, sweet mother of Eibon, I needed to feel him closer.
It was madness, I swear it was madness that drove me as I slid against him, =slick with= oh how can I write such a thing? =My skin is hot, I-how will I ever feel like myself again?= I am grown foreign and strange, fallen, utterly fallen. =And yet it was-we were-I was= I will simply write the words. I allowed him to take my maidenhead. Or what is more true, =I-we= I chose to lose my maidenhead with him, I impaled myself upon him willingly, nay desperately, I gave myself to him wholly as he gave himself to me. I knew what it was that I did. I could not care. There was only the need, so overwhelming, to feel him. And it felt-again, there are no words. Always have I been able to find the words, but words lost all meaning. There was only heat and frenzy and him and him and him. =as we moved together- as we came together= We became one-one body, one mind, one soul. One.
You will think this a matter of lust-even to write the word is so strange! And yes, there was lust, mine and his, but beneath it, driving it, were other things. Friendship. Devotion. And above all, love. Yes, my sister, there was love. His for me and-what I could not, would not see before-mine for him. Long as I denied it, denied him, denied the truth within our very souls, I can deny it no longer.
Our joining did not last long. =We-neither of us-you know I was a maiden-he had never before= It was instinct that drove us, and it was brief and-Tsubaki, I have never known anything like it, never felt anything like it, it was as if my body were hurled into the heavens and gifted pure bliss by the gods themselves. We reached this bliss together, and as quickly as it had begun it was done and we held each other. Being in his arms, holding him in my own, those moments, I know it should be wrong, but it did not feel wrong. For as much as I know that it was sin, I still cannot see it so. In truth, I had never felt so right; it was as though for the first time in my life, I was exactly where I was meant to be. It was a feeling we shared, contentment whole and total. We fell asleep then, utterly spent, utterly sated, and when morning came, we awoke and left the cave together, hand in hand. The cave required a single victor and so it was. We had each conquered the other and were now complete, one, joined in every way. Love Bound us, and so the spell upon the cave was broken.
Yet, that truth, by light of day, it was too stark, too raw. As we moved down towards the camp, I dropped his hand, the horror at what I had done settling in, for I was no longer a maid. Would they see it, know it on mere sight, the stain upon my soul? Would my sin be manifest, forever tainting me, forever damning me? Soul felt my guilt, my shame, and the contentment we had shared by night melted into his guilt, his despair that he had somehow hurt me. He was mistaken; my Wizard had done nothing wrong. Loving him, needing him as I did, I had only hurt myself.
We were met at the edge of camp by my father and his Warrior, one wearing a frown and the other a wide, knowing smile.
"So you came to see yourselves as one after all." He seemed so smug, so amused, that I wished to lash out at him, but Soul felt my anger rise and took my hand, squeezing. It only increased my guilt, snuffing my anger as quickly as it had come. It wasn't that we had come to see ourselves as one, no; we had become one, and I admit, sister, then and now, it frightens me. Beyond the loss of my innocence, of my good name, it frightens me, for now I know all that is at stake, just how much I have to lose.
We were told we could rest this day and all the next, and once we were led back to camp, I shut myself into my tent, where I have been since. After hours of grief, of fear, of despair, I decided to write to you, to try to clear the chaos from my head. And so I have. I find, my friend, that in spilling my thoughts, my heart, my soul, all that has happened, that my mind calms, it eases.
Yes, I am a maid no more-yet in place of this, I am repaid with love, with loyalty, with being well and truly whole. Hours have I spent in despair, hours in regret of my loss, yet as I relive that night, I see now that I have gained far more. Tradition tells us that our maidenhood is sacred, to lose it a taint we can never cleanse. I do not feel tainted. In truth, it did not feel wrong. No, it felt real and true and for the first time in my life, I am whole. I should regret it, I believed I regretted it when we left the cave, yet I cannot regret it now. I know his only regret was bound in mine, in his concern for me. How can I regret finding such love? I cannot. Tradition also tells us that women are fit only for child rearing, yet I am a Warrior and a Knight. As in that, in this I find tradition to be wrong. Deep within my soul, I know that what we did was no sin as surely as I know that the sun will set in the night and rise on the morrow. What we did was not wrong, but right, and if we spoke no vows, how can that compare to the vows writ large in our hearts, in our very souls? No, I cannot, will not regret it, and I think the gods will pay little mind if two Bound as partners and now as lovers wait just a little bit longer to be Bound in the eyes of society at large.
As to the taint, none will see a stain that does not exist. None will know what I have lost and gained but my Wizard, and I fear not for his good opinion. In truth, even the good opinion of the world at large begins to hold little value for me. Yet, even still, it is a good thing my Papa cannot know, for if he did, he would surely kill poor Soul, and then what would become of us? Someday we will wed, when there is time, when the jointures might be made, the proper permissions sought. Until then, we are joined, and I will not be sorry for it.
I wish I could share this with you, sister, I truly do. Perhaps one day I might, but for now, I cannot. It is too fresh, and as much as I love you and know you love me, I fear your censure even still. Yet, I believe in my heart that you will see the truth as I do when one day I do share it. For now, my dearest friend, this letter has served its purpose and I shall burn it before I leave my self imposed confinement to find my Wizard. He deserves to know the truth I have come to; there is much to say, words we have both long felt but have yet to speak even after all that has occurred. Words too important to remain unsaid.
With Love, with light, I bid you adieu.
Ever your sister,
Maka