Chapter 8: Thoughts

I undoubtedly respect Angel 51, I thought. The Demon had already left the room, left to get his instruments of torture. I outran him yesterday, but only because I surprised him. No such easy way out today.

Continuing my train of thought, I pondered, I have...this feeling that makes it hard to say otherwise. And he loved the Lord, yet pursued his goal of trying to take over Heaven. But that sounded wrong...If he took over Heaven and succeeded, then why had I left? He must have failed or other complications came up. And perhaps I was implicated somehow, which made me isolated, which would make me want to leave to the point of writing a message to myself in my own blood and by losing my memories, though to what end of letting me go free, I do not know. I also do not know what Angel 51 looks like, nor do I know anything concrete about him, except that he is male, is very ambitious, is one of the Fallen but is not a demon, and is strong for a low level angel, though since it has been at least a few days since he has Fallen, his power must be rapidly diminishing unless he has found some way to stop it from doing so. He and I have had many exchanges, so I can assume that he is my friend or acquaintance.

Moving on to my current position. I cannot stay here, because although I respect the Fallen, the specific goals of this candidate for Master are not to my liking. Revenge is not something that I particularly admire, nor is senseless killing when one could simply perform a mass memory wipe. Killing in general, unless in extreme scenarios, should not be condoned. But I do have to stay here until I find a more suitable candidate to be my Master. And to complicate matters, I do not know anything about where I am or what requirements a Master should have, only that their goals have to be at either the preservation of something that they hold dear or to the benefit of humanity, without any meaningless death. I have killed innocents for no better reason than having to protect myself when given enough time and stealth, I could have done otherwise. I...cannot forgive myself for that, but their lives are gone and have passed into Judgment. I cannot know if that was meant to be or not, and I do not know how to contact the Lord who does, nor can I face him ever again.

I do not know the specifics of what I can do under my Master, and cannot test the boundaries without setting up a temporary Ownership with someone who I trust deeply. Which would be no one.

My wings hurt at the thought, but it was true. All of these people worked for The Earl, and The Earl worked towards revenge. So, would that also mean that all of these people are working towards revenge as well? Or are they just trying to support The Earl in any way possible? Were those smiles and hugs they shared with me in the hallways and rooms of the Phantomhive estate just to further their master's goals, or did they actually mean them?

I would not know.

Somewhere, in the back of my head, I was screaming. It was strange; it was creepy; it was unnerving. This entire situation was my own doing, and no matter how much I could blame The Demon and his master, it was still my own choice, step by step by step by step, that inevitably led up to my deed. I could have, at any point, stopped to think about it and chosen a different path.

But I did not.

Boundless possibilities my brain explored, each one more plausible than the last of how I could have changed my actions. So many lives I had sacrificed, so many slain, and to what gain? Someone who kidnapped a child was dead, but could have simply been imprisoned. His workers, who either did not know better, or were forced to do so, went along with his deeds. He said that all should be killed, no matter what the reason, but that is not so.

"You will not run tonight?" The Demon questioned, opening the door to my room.

I have no such luxury today, I admitted.

As I raised my hand to my face, I was aware of a gnawing feeling in my heart.

If someone was forced to do what they did, then that person should be spared.

Part of me wanted to fly up to the heavens, beg them to take me back because down here, I felt vulnerable and afraid. No one to trust, no one to love. Everyone was unscrewed in the head. Or was it more likely that I was the one unscrewed, and everyone else was just fine? Assigning static numbers to each person, it was much more likely that I am the one with the problem.

I stared out at the moon, where many angels shined their brilliance down towards the Earth in a pleasing, peaceful beauty. No, I am right. Taking a life is wrong, and should be avoided at all costs. They are the ones missing screws. I just would have to hold onto that for now.

The Demon removed his gloves, revealing fingernails as black as his soul.

"Shall we begin?"

A/N: This was the chapter that would explain Alice's conflicting desires and motivations in plain language, but it is also very boring and dry. I could not get through reading it without falling asleep. It does serve the function to set up Chapter 3: The Scream, but I rewrote the story so that torturing Alice was hinted at in Chapter 4: Introductions, and had it placed right after The Scream to strongly hint that Ciel had ordered Sebastian to torture Alice.