"Last time," Chris, standing in front of the Eiffel Tower, "On Drag Race: Worldwide!
"Our racers were forced to take the scenic route in Germany. And by scenic, I mean, mindlessly destructive as only the military can be. Though there were some hits, everyone got through.
"What will happen now that they've reached France?" Chris asked, "Find out today, on Drag Race: Worldwide!"
Episode 21: Fin Finish
"Ahh, morning in France. The smell of freshly baked pastries in the air, the light of the sun, warming the flowers cooled by night, and the subtle sounds of dewdrops dripping. It truly is the epitome of peace." Chris blew an air horn through a megaphone. "And it's about to be smashed to pieces by our five finalists! At long last, the time is here, to decide the winner of Drag Race! And to bear witness to this momentous occasion, here comes the last place losers!"
A bus drove up, stopped, and drove away, revealing the Tennysons, the Hair Bear Bunch, Freakazoid, Hong Kong Phooey, Spot, Kirby, and Tokkori.
"Enjoy your trip, crew?" Chris asked.
"No!" Gwen grumbled, "Kirby inhaled everything, including the reading material!"
"It was awesome!" Ben laughed.
"So, Chris," Freakazoid said, strolling over, "Whatcha got planned for the finalists? Anything" Freak' leaned in close, so that his face was on top of Chris', "Eeeevil?"
Chris took a step back, causing Freakazoid to hit the ground. "No, nothing big. Just a few minor obstacles to keep the race interesting."
"No one's going to get hurt, right?" Grampa Max asked, concerned as well he should be.
"No one who hasn't already signed a waver!" Chris smirked.
Bubi Bear pointed over to the side. "Hey, what are those?" About a few yards away were some large machines, rather like arcade videogames.
"I'm glad you asked, Bubi Bear!" Chris proclaimed, "Those are special monitors for the racers, one for each car. With these, you can see what's happening to the drivers from our specially installed hidden cameras. Also included is a deluxe radar, showing just where they are in France. And Pac-Man."
Each monitor lit up.
"Let's check the car line-up, shall we?" Chris asked, brimming with sadistic anticipation.
"Moving along the French countryside, we've got in fifth place, Daddy's Ferrari. In fourth place, Sweet Tooth, The Magic School Bus is in third, and the Desoto Adventurer is in second. But where's the Mean Machine?"
Mean Machine
The Mean Machine was parked caught a long distance ahead of the pack, behind a row of trees.
Dick Dastardly and Muttley, armed with chainsaws, looked up at a monstrous oak with great respect.
"I think I shall never see," Dastardly pontificated, "A roadblock lovely as a tree!"
With that, he turned on the chainsaw and began to carve through the tree.
"Get to work, Muttley!" The villain yelled, "We need to get all these trees down before the other cars get here!"
"Rassin' frassin' messin' mossin'…" Muttley muttered, turning on his own chainsaw.
Mean Machine Cam: "At this point in the race, I'm not gong to harbor any illusions on the ability of the other drivers," Dastardly said, "One tree surely won't stop them. But, a bunch of trees? You better believe it!"
"There, that should do it!" Dastardly sighed, gazing at their handiwork. There was now a pile of logs on the road.
"I'd like to see get by that!" Dastardly laughed nefariously. "Ahh, here comes someone now!"
The Magic School Bus drove up and stopped before the log pile. In a flash, it became the Magic Harvester, and began to displace the logs from their place in the road. In a few minutes, it had made the single log pile into two smaller ones on both sides of the road, and moved on.
"Drat! Foiled again!" Dastardly swore. He ran back to the Mean Machine. "C'mon, Muttley! We're losing time!"
Muttley began to snicker, only to be pulled away.
---
Back at the Eiffel Tower, Ben was studying Sweet Tooth's monitor.
"So Chris," He began, "These can tell you exactly each car is?"
"You got it," Chris assured, "And since the racers are now on a marked course, they can tell you where they're gonna be, to boot!"
"Really!" Ben quickly looked both ways before sneaking off.
Rustbucket Cam: "Look, I'm not petty," Ben explained, "It's just cheaters don't prosper. So there's no way am I gonna let that clown win if I can help it!"
"Hey, Ben?" Gwen called out, looking around. She was wearing a T-shirt with the Eiffel Tower on the front. "Ben? Where'd he go now?"
"Beats me," Hong Kong Phooey replied. "Where'd you get the shirt?"
"At that Wall-Mart," Gwen answered, pointing. Directly opposite of the Eiffel Tower was a large Wall-Mart. "They've also got an arcade, I thought Ben would like to see it."
Freakazoid and Kirby came out of the Wall-Mart, wearing a variety of Wall-Mart goods.
"These places are everywhere!" Freakazoid exclaimed.
Sweet Tooth
With the Desoto Adventurer up ahead and within firing range, Sweet Tooth launched missile after at the Freelance Police's car- to no avail. Each time Sweet Tooth fired a missile, the Desoto would swerve out of danger's way at just the right time.
Needles Kane was not amused. "I don't believe this," He growled, "What kind of driving are they doing?!"
Freelance Police
Completely unaware that their lives were in danger, Sam and Max dozed, the wheel being held relatively steady by a string tied to it from the radio knob.
Freelance Cam: "Remember, kids," Sam explained, tying the string to the wheel, "It's important to get at least ten hours of sleep per day."
Mean Machine
Meanwhile, Dick Dastardly was up to another sneaky trick. He had dug another pit in the road-
"Excellent work, Muttley!"
-Or to be more precise, he had Muttley dig another pit.
Muttley, panting like the dog he was, rolled his eyes. They tried the pit gag before.
"Don't give me that look," Dastardly snapped, "This one is guaranteed to work. You see," Dastard gestured to where the pit was, "Instead of a flimsy tap covered by leaves and dirt that never breaks, the pit is covered by planks of wood, held up by a pole in the middle. When a car drives over it, the planks see-saw up, the cars go down! Hahaha!"
Sweet Tooth/Desoto Adventurer
Back down the way, Sweet Tooth had another missile armed and ready.
Sweet Tooth Cam: "If this heat-seeker doesn't get 'em," Needles fumed, "I'll be fresh outta ideas."
Up ahead, the Mean Machine pair waited for anyone to blunder into their trap. While the Desoto Adventurer drove smoothly across, Sweet Tooth wasn't so lucky. Just as the missile launched, the planks (As Tricky Dicky predicted) went down, causing the ice cream truck to hit land in the pit, hood pointed up. This meant the missile went flying up as well.
"We got one!" Dastardly laughed victoriously- then paled when he saw who. "Oh no! Sweet Tooth!"
Even worse, Needles saw Dastardly skulking in the bushes. "You!" He snarled.
"Run, Muttley!"
---
Back at the Eiffel Tower, Freakazoid had a question for Chris.
"So, you said you had some surprises in store," Freakazoid began, "So where are they? I'm not seeing any."
"Oh, don't worry," Chris assured, grinning, "There'll be plenty of surprises. In fact, Daddy's Ferrari is coming up to some right now!"
Daddy's Ferrari
Lindsay eagerly flipped through a fashion magazine she was reading, giving each page an unnatural (For her) look over.
"I am going to go on the king of shopping sprees!" Lindsay squealed. She glanced at Duncan. "When do we get to France?"
"We're in France." Duncan grumbled, a little peeved. That was the third time he told her that.
Ferrari Cam: "You know, I thought driving around the world with a hot chick would be fun," Duncan fumed, "But after getting used to her looks focusing on her personality- her lack of personality, I'll be glad when this thing is over! Hot chicks like her, should just stay shut."
Ferrari Cam: "You know, I thought Duncan was a really bad guy," Lindsay admitted, "But now that I've gotten to know him, it's like he's not that bad anymore! I bet he's just got some family problems, like him being a criminal and his parents are cops."
Before Lindsay could say anything else that might tick off Duncan, the road that they just drove over exploded, causing the car to bounce.
"What the heck was that!?" Duncan yelled, eyes wide.
"Are we still in Germany!?" Lindsay asked, looking around.
---
"Where'd you guys get more landmines?" GRampa Max asked, alarmed.
"The Germans sent us some leftovers from their war games," Chris explained, "And I just hate to let good props go to waste."
Daddy's Ferrari
BOOM!
BOOM!
BA-BOOM!
Duncan kept the gas pedal pushed down as far as it would go, not letting up as each mine exploded barely a second after they drove over one. This went on for several minutes, until after the ninth explosion, when they found themselves driving on uninterrupted.
"Is it over?" Lindsay asked, panting and sweating.
"I think so," Duncan gasped, having held his breath for the duration. He stopped the car. "Hold on, I need to get myself together."
As Duncan and Lindsay tried to slow their accelerated heart rates back to a more human speed, a crow landed on the road just a meter ahead of them.
BOOM!
Duncan and Lindsay stared at the hole with smoke and feathers floating around.
"Well whaddya know?" Duncan said, sounding a smidge hysterical. "One left."
---
Chris laughed at the expression on Duncan and Lindsay's faces. "Those looks," He snickered, "Are keepers!"
Mean Machine
Surprisingly, the drivers of the Mean Machine weren't trying to set up any dirty tricks, as they were too busy looking for a good place to set up some dirty tricks. And a good place to hide from Sweet Tooth.
Up ahead was an old farm, where two hound dogs were taking their afternoon nap.
Until the larger of them heard the car approaching.
(Wake up, Lafayette,) The large dog ordered, nudging his partner, (We got work to do. I hear tires approaching.)
Lafayette, the smaller, pudgier of the two dogs, wasn't so inclined to get up. (Aww, Napoleon, do we hafta?) He complained, (It's 'posed to be our day off!)
(Nevermind your naptime,) Napoleon growled, (It's for television. Now, let's see…) Napoleon lifted one of his ears to hear better. (It's some kind of funny car…hand-made, not store-bought… with spikes and rocket boosters…like some kind of spaceship with wheels…) Based on those predictions, Napoleon made his decision. (Sound the charge, and get ready to move out!)
Dastardly heard the sound of barking, and looked back to see the hounds chasing at him.
"What do those stupid dogs want?" He asked, annoyed. "Probably just some dumb car chasers. Never mind them."
But Muttley, loyal as a villains pet can be (That is to say, not at all) was more interested in what the hounds would do if were they a little closer. So, rolling down his window, Muttley held out a tether for the hounds. The rest was inevitable.
Dastardly Cam: "Hey- Where'd you-! Muttley, help!" Dastardly yelled as the two hounds began to attack him. The camera angle shifted over to Muttley from the force of the ruckus.
Muttley snickered.
Moments later the hounds were booted out, still barking. Inside, Dastardly gave Muttley a good bonk on the head.
"You try something like that again," He threatened, "And it's the dog pound for you!"
Muttley, in spite of himself, snickered again, getting another bonk on the head.
Sweet Tooth
After losing sight of the Desoto Adventurer, Sweet Tooth caught up with the Magic School Bus.
Sweet Tooth Cam: "I don't know what's wrong with me," Needles groaned, "I should've killed them all by now! But I'm gonna make it up, right now!"
Chuckling evilly, Needles readied his guns.
FWOOOM!
Magic School Bus
Arnold heard the explosion.
"What was that!?" He cried, looking around frantically.
Dorothy Ann looked up from her book. "I wonder." Looking behind her, she saw out the Bus' back window the smoldering wreckage that used to be Sweet Tooth.
Carlos saw it too. "A lucky break, or karma?"
---
"Hey, Chris!" Chef Hatchet yelled from over by the monitors, "Check this out!"
Chris walked over to Sweet Tooth's monitor and gave it an appraising look. "Huh, didn't see that coming. Okay, everyone!" He called out to the losers, "Due to an unforeseen and unexplainable blast of metaphysical thermal energy, Sweet Tooth has been eliminated from the race!"
Gwen brightened. "That's great! Wait 'till Ben finds out!" She looked around. "Where is Ben, anyway?"
Tennyson Cam: Heatblast gave the camera a double point. "Booya."
Daddy's Ferrari
Duncan and Lindsay were listening to the radio and Chris' voice broke into the broadcast.
"Attention, racers! Sweet Tooth is now officially disqualified!"
Duncan exchanged looks with Lindsay. "F'real?"
"F'real."
"This is great! Woo-hoo!" Lindsay whooped, "Now that mean clown can't get us!"
It was at that moment that the heat seeking missile came down.
Ka-boom!
It didn't kill them or wreck the car, but it sent the Ferrari into a spin.
"Ugh…what hit us?" Duncan groaned. As he tried to sit up, he felt a searing pain in his arm. "ARRRGH!"
"Duncan!" Lindsay cried, "Are you okay?"
"No! Errrg…" Duncan winced, clutching his arm, "I think I broke my arm!"
"You broke your arm? Oh no! You can't drive with a broken arm!" Lindsay began to panic when an idea came to mind. "I know! I'll drive!"
Duncan and Lindsay switched sides immediately. Fastening her seat belt, Lindsay adjusted her seat, mirrors, checked her hair in the mirror…
Ferrari Cam: Duncan, his arm in a sling, sighed. "So much for first place."
…Eventually, she started the car and drove off, at a much slower pace than when Duncan was driving.
---
Back at the Eiffel Tower, fierce discussion was afoot.
"No way!" Freakazoid protested, "Luffy could so kick Naruto's butt!"
"Nah, I don't believe it," Hong Kong Phooey shrugged, "Naruto's got kung-fu skills- Luffy's just an angry thug."
"You're crazy," Freakazoid decided. He looked at Ben, "Ben, back me up on this- Ben!"
Ben waved. "Hey."
"Where've you been?" Hong Kong asked, "You just disappeared!"
"Uh, out for a walk." Ben said evasively, "So, who's winning?"
"It's currently in a three-way deadlock, with Daddy's Ferrari in last." Chris explained over from the monitors.
Magic School Bus/Freelance Police
The two cars drove on, with the Desoto Adventurer in front, and the Magic School Bus in the back.
FSHWUUMP!
The Bus transformed into a more rocket-ship like configuration, and blast over the Desoto, turning back into the Bus as it landed.
Bus Cam: "That first place is as good as ours!" Ralphie grinned.
Mean Machine
Up ahead, Dick Dastardly had set up another dirty trick. He had set up some dynamite, wired to detonation plunger. As the other two cars got closer, Dastardly pushed down on the plunger-
BOOM!
-Which blew up in his face, making him scorched black with soot.
Muttley snickered.
---
Vast amounts of squealing pulled Chris' attention from the monitors. There was a large crowd of girls surrounding the entrance to the nearby Wall-Mart.
"What's that all about?" The host asked.
"There's going to be a huge sale at the Wall-Mart, Chris." Grampa Max explained.
"Sale?"
Daddy's Ferrari
As the Ferrari drove merrily along, Duncan decided to turn on the radio.
"Might as well see if they announce the winner," He sighed, pretty much accepting the fact that victory at this point was impossible.
"…Also, we'd like to remind our listeners that the Eiffel Tower Wall-Mart is having its annual fifty-one percent off sale, better hurry or you'll miss out on all the bargins…"
Lindsay gasped. "There's a sale at Wall-Mart!?"
Duncan scoffed, "Yeah, like that matters."
Lindsay was no longer listening. It was like a fire had been lit in her soul. The fog that normally surrounded her brain vanished. Her eyes narrowed. Her grip on the steering wheel tightened. He foot slammed down on the gas pedal.
VRRRROOM!
"Yow!" Duncan yelled, being thrown back by the force of the acceleration.
---
"I think I see them!" Chris announced, looking down the way with a pair of binoculars, "In front, it's the Magic School Bus, followed by the Desoto Adventurer, with the Mean Machine in third place!"
"Looks like Val's got this thing wrapped up," Grampa Max commented.
"Hold that thought," Chris said suddenly, "I see something else coming up, something fast!"
Magic School Bus/Freelance Police/Mean Machine
All three cars were sent spinning by the force of what seemed like a huge cloud of dust speeding by.
"Good heavens!" Ms. Frizzle cried, trying to steady her Bus, "What was that?"
---
"Here it comes!" Chris yelled, "Duck for cover!"
Everyone dove out of the way as the dust cloud plowed through, coming to a screeching halt in front of the Eiffel Tower. When the dust settled… it showed a Ferrari with two teenagers, one looking bit more thunderstruck than the other.
"And the winner is," Chris laughed, clapping his hands, "Daddy's Ferrari!" He looked over his shoulder to see the other cars coming in, "And in second place, the Freelance Police, the Magic School Bus in third, and it's a big dead last for the Mean Machine!"
Everyone cheered as the other cars drove up. Dastardly leapt out of the Mean Machine and rushed over to Daddy's Ferrari.
"No fair!" He howled, "You switched drivers! Cheat! Cheat!"
Lindsay didn't pay him any attention, she just got out of the car and broke into a mad dash- to Wall-Mart.
---
Later it was time for the trophy giveaway. The drivers of each car stood on a prize podium. Duncan(Who's arm was now in a cast) and Lindsay(Who now had lots of shopping bags) stood on the first place stand, Sam and Max stood on the second place stand, and Ms. Frizzle with Liz on her shoulder stood on third, while her class gathered around. Everyone else stood gathered around, giving the winners some space. Oddly enough, Needles wasn't here. Instead, there was a somewhat unshaven, dirty man, with messy black hair.
"Who's that?" Arnold asked, worried.
"They found him in Sweet Tooth's wreckage," Phobe explained, "he says his name is Marcus Kane."
"Welcome, to the trophy ceremony!" Chris proclaimed, "At long last, it is time to announce the winners of Drag Race: Worldwide: Daddy's Ferrari, driven by Duncan and Lindsay!"
Everyone cheered(Except Dastardly) as Chef Hatchet handed Duncan a large novelty check of two million dollars. With one arm, Duncan couldn't hold it up, but Lindsay held up the other end with her arm.
"So, whaddya gonna spend your two mil on?" Chris asked, leering.
Lindsay blinked, and looked at Duncan's cast. Then she looked at her dozens of shopping bags. "I think I already spent it."
Every laughed.
"You know, there's only one thing that can make this day rock any more." Duncan commented.
"And what would that be?" Chris asked.
Duncan gave him a nasty smile.
---
"No! No! Guys, my hair! My FACE!" Chris wailed in protest as Duncan and Sam held him down, "DUDES!"
Max finished tying a rope around the bumper of bus, the other end tied to Chris legs. He gave the bus driver a thumbs-up. "Take it away, Pierre!"
As the bus roared to life, everyone cheered Chris was dragged off.
"Now that's what I call a happy ending!" Ben laughed, doing a low-five with Marcus. "Hey, who are you, anyway?"