Chapter Twenty

I fell asleep only moments later, and by the time I woke up, it was nighttime again. As soon as my eyes opened, I searched for my daughter. She was nowhere to be found.

Bolting upright, I grimaced, feeling all the aches in my lower body.

"Good morning," a voice came from the corner. It was Valgard, and in his arms was our perfect little daughter. "How did you sleep, love?"

I relaxed and held out my arms for my child. The longing to feel her weight in my arms was intense, unlike anything I'd ever felt before. "Let me hold her, please. I slept just fine."

"Mama bear," he chuckled affectionately and set our daughter in my arms. "She's hungry, so you can only hold her for a few minutes."

I frowned as I stroked my daughter's rosy cheek. "What in heaven's name do you mean? I will feed her right now."

Valgard shook his head. "I'm sorry, Britta, but since you are a Queen, you cannot nurse your own child. Our daughter has a wet-nurse who will nurse her and care for her."

My stomach twisted as I felt the blood drain out of my head. "I will care for her, Valgard. Even if I may not nurse her."

Valgard's eyes expressed his compassion but I could see he wouldn't budge on the matter. "You are a queen, Britta, before all else. And queens don't chase after children."

"Why didn't you tell me this before the baby was born?" My head lowered as I gazed into my darling's face.

Valgard shrugged. "I hated the idea of upsetting you while you were still carrying the child."

Tears flowed down my cheeks as I thought of not being a mother to my own child, letting another woman raise my child. "I cannot do this any longer, Valgard. I am not meant to be the Queen and you and I both know it."

Valgard lowered his head and was silent. I expected him to argue with me, but not a word passed his lips.

"What am I to do? My soul is dying here." My voice trembled from the tears. "I have no freedom at all and you know that is torture for me."

Finally Valgard looked up and into my eyes. "Well, you may not get to be Queen much longer. Though the rebellion was squashed, the people are still angry about you being Queen and are questioning your rights."

I let this sink in, my heart thumping wildly against my ribcage. "What does that mean?"

"This won't end, Britta, until you are no longer Queen. And if you are no longer Queen, you will be free." his eyes watered and his took my hand, giving it a squeeze. "I have a plan. Are you willing to listen? It will not be easy, for either of us."

I nodded, though I couldn't keep the frown off my face. "I will listen."

He sighed and lifted our baby into his arms again, as if to comfort himself. "I will announce that you have died from childbed fever, and that the baby died shorty after you from not taking the breast of his wet-nurse. You will dress up as a thrall and leave the castle late at night. Your family will be waiting a few miles off to take you back to your village, where a ship will be ready and waiting to take you to Ireland."

My heart seemed to stop for a moment from the shock of what I was hearing. Seeing my life away from Valgard, away from this castle, was like a daydream, and maybe even a nightmare. "Are my family aware of this plan?" I asked, my voice hardly above a whisper.

He nodded and squeezed my hand. "Yes, I told them of the plan when I summoned them here for the birth. They are ready to act as soon as you agree." He glanced down at the baby, who was sleeping with her cheek pressed to his chest, her little hand curled around one of his large fingers.

"How long have you been planning this?" I asked, frowning. How many months had he spent knowing that he would have to let me go after the baby was born?

"Since you told me you were lonely and needed a friend. I realized how your life must be. You're alone, locked up behind walls when all you want is to be free, and burdened down by responsibilities you never wanted. Forced to not even be able to nurse your own child. How could I allow you to keep living like this?"

I reached out and cupped his cheek, his face blurry through my tears. "What is to become of you and I, Valgard?"

A single tear rolled down his cheek. "Shortly after you are gone and I have announced your death, I will have to marry a Princess, someone who was born to be a Queen."

My heart twisted into a knot and my chin dropped as sobs shook my tired body.

He lifted my chin and wiped at my tears. "But it will not be for love. I will come to you in Ireland as often as I can, in secret. You will always be my wife and my Queen, but you will be free to live your life in quiet and peace. You will be free once more, my love."

Slowly my tears stopped and the knot in my chest loosened. "You would let me go like that?" Was he truly that selfless?

He leaned forward and kissed my forehead, his tears dripping onto my skin. "I love you. I want you to have everything you want. And I must do what is best for my country, and they'll never be content until a woman will royal blood is Queen."

"How long until I have to leave?" I asked, wiping at my face. My head was spinning with the thought of it all.

"We will spend today together, and at midnight you will sneak away. But you must rest as there is long journey ahead of you," he whispered and kissed my lips gently.

I imagined it, traveling back through the mountains and over the ocean to reach Ireland, so shortly after giving birth. But if our plan was going to work, it would have to happen soon. Though my heart ached at the thought of being away from Valgard and not seeing him everyday, I knew it was for the best. I was never meant to be Queen, was never happy being a queen. I needed my freedom. I needed to be able to raise my own child. I needed to be free from all the walls and dark hallways.

Lifting my head, I took our daughter back into my arms and held her close. "I will do it, Valgard. I want to be free again."

He nodded and swiped his eyes with the back of his hand. "It's what's best for you, my love. And its what's best for our daughter." he smiled down into her little face. "She still needs a name."

I smiled and inhaled the scent of our little princess. "I want you to name her. Since we will be away from each other so often, I want to think of you every time I say her name."

He placed his hand on her little head. "I want to name her Brenna." His voice trembled as he tried not to cry. "Oh I love you so much. Both of you."

Tears choked me and I used my free arm to pull him close. He buried his face in my neck and together we sobbed, our hearts breaking.

We cried until the baby started fussing, then I unbuttoned my nightgown and offered her my breast for the first time.

Brenna latched on, her little fist pressed to my skin. Her eyes opened wide as she stared into mine. Again I shook with sobs, knowing I would give anything to have this bond with her, to be the one to nourish her and raise her. If I stayed here and remained Queen, she would be my daughter in name only. I made a choice, and I knew I made the right one.

{}

Valgard stayed with me the whole day, even though I spent most of it sleeping.

I awoke just as the sun was setting. Valgard and I only had a matter of hours together before we would be parted for quite a long time.

"Your family left, for appearances. They will be waiting for you in the dark, once you leave the castle tonight," Valgard told me, cuddling little Brenna in his arms.

My head was throbbing from all the crying I had done, my eyes heavy and tired. But still more tears escaped. "This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, Valgard. I don't want to leave you!"

Valgard sat beside me on the bed, Brenna whimpered in his arms. "Do you want this life for our daughter? To be raised behind walls, cut off from the land and it's people? She will have to act like a young woman from a young age and will be expected to have perfect manners at the age of three. Do you want that for her?"

I shook my head and caressed my baby's face. "No, of course not. I want her to be free and happy."

"I wouldn't wish this life on anyone, Britta," he said softly. "My biggest regret is stealing you away from the life you were meant to have, though I'll never regret loving you, and I'll never regret this sweet little angel God has blessed us with."

My eyes gazed into his, soaking in their beauty, the soft blue that sent shivers through my body. "I have no regrets, my love. You've given me Brenna, and a love I believed I would never feel. And no matter how much ocean and land lies between you and I, we'll always love each other and it won't be goodbye."

He nodded and cuddled me close, careful of the baby between us. "I always love you. And though I will have a new queen, I will only lie with her until she gives me a son. After that, the only woman I will love, is you. I will come to see you and Brenna as often as I can, I promise."

Together, we whispered, "I love you."

Thanks for reading! I know you guys are gonna hate ame fter this chapter, but just cool your jets and trust me, ok? No Flames! It won't change where I plan to go with this story. Please leave a review and of course, state your opinion, but nicely, if you please. Love you guys! xoxo - Em