Geeky Attraction
21: Delirious
-x-
Mikan
"No." I watched as Natsume's face turned pale and hardened at the same time. His voice was nothing but a whisper, sounding more like a plea than anything else.
"What's wrong?" I asked him, rushing to his side. I could clearly see his hands as they began shaking.
"I can't do this." His voice faltered and he cleared his throat painfully and repeated the words into the phone with more firmness this time. But he looked like he was about to cry.
"What's going on?" Tsubasa called from the table, noticing the change in our behaviour. I dismissed him with a wave and carefully placed my hand on Natsume's right that was holding the phone. He stiffened but otherwise didn't react much as I slowly pealed his fingers off the phone. They were white and shaking, his grasp was so tight.
I glanced at the caller ID but just saw a name I didn't recognise. "Hello, my name is Mikan," I said into the phone, "who is this?"
There was silence and soft breathing. Then: "I'm Natsume's father."
"Can you please tell me what happened?"
I listened as he explained. Natsume's mother. The hospital. Critical condition.
"Which hospital?" I asked and signalled for Youichi to bring me my own phone so I could find the address. Tsubasa and Hotaru were quiet now, watching us intensely. Natsume's father told me and it was a little less than a two hour drive from my home. "I'll bring Natsume now," I said quietly and the only indication that Natsume had heard was his body stiffening. After promising to call back I hung up and finally met his eyes. They were wide and flickering. Equally angry and scared.
"Let's go."
"I'm not going," he rasped, backing away from me.
"Hey, what's-" Tsubasa had gotten up from the table and moved toward us, reaching out to touch Natsume's shoulder.
In response, Natsume violently jerked away with wild eyes. "Fuck off!" He breathed hard. I sent Tsubasa a look saying: I'll handle this, even though I wasn't sure if I could.
I moved forward and was reminded of all the times I had tried to run away from Natsume and he'd backed me against a wall. Simpler times. "Natsume," I said his name clearly, "it's going to be ok. I'll drive you there. Come on." It's not the same as what happened to your sister.
"I can't." His voice sounded hollow and my heart throbbed painfully but I ignored it and took the final step before standing right in front of him. I grabbed his hands and squeezed them hard. Natsume looked at me like he was seeing me for the first time. Or like he wasn't seeing me at all.
"Do you want Ruka to go with you instead?" He shook his head like a child. "All right, then I'll go with you. Even if you get angry and tell me to go away, I'll stay with you. You don't have to worry or think about anything. Just go sit in the car." I placed the keys in his hand and made sure he held onto them.
His glazed eyes finally came into focus and he looked right at me, so directly it would have made me embarrassed had it been any other situation. Then he nodded once, almost unnoticeably and exited the garden in three long strides, head down. I let out the breath I didn't know I had been holding and grabbed my jacket and wallet from the back of the chair, where I'd thrown it earlier.
"Mikan..." Youichi began and both Tsubasa and Hotaru looked at me with concern and bewilderment. I knew they didn't understand what was going on or why Natsume was acting the way he was. I couldn't explain it to them even if I wanted to.
"It's his mother." I told them quietly. "I'm driving him to the hospital. Tell mum and grandpa that it was an emergency," I finished and gave Youichi a hug. "I'll call you when we know more." He hugged me back hard and then quickly let go.
"Is he all right?" Tsubasa asked in a strangely concerned voice and I just shook my head, because Natsume really wasn't.
"Mikan?" Natsume's hollow voice carried from the entrance and I draped my jacket over my shoulders. I sent them the best smile I could muster and left the lantern-lit garden.
-.
Natsume
I could hear Mikan's soft voice over the humming sounds coming from the car. And then rain. I didn't know for how long we'd been driving, where we were or what time it was. It was completely dark outside, apart from red and yellow lights of passing cars illuminating Mikan's face as they flickered by. And the drumming sound of fucking rain hitting the roof and windows, blurry shades.
She was speaking on the phone again, asking questions and making confirming noises. I knew she was talking to father and I should be worried or pissed about it but I only felt relief that I didn't have to talk to him myself.
My hands were still shaking and my breathing came out uneven and rasped. My throat hurt. It didn't matter if my eyes were closed or open, the dream was playing in front of my eyes over and over. The red sky and Aoi's lips moving. Speaking to me. And then her lifeless body on the ground and suddenly mother...
This was the worst. The fucking worst. Everything was coming back, crawling from somewhere inside of me – like insects through my veins, spreading like a disease until my whole body felt numb.
The numbness I recognised. After Aoi, life went on, it was almost unbelievable how it went on. My body kept doing its usual movements – I ate and drank and walked, I stood and sat and slept and shat, I even laughed sometimes. But the first year I hadn't been able to feel my toes, sometimes for hours and sometimes not the skin on my left hand either. Also, on my thighs and back there were places that, when I touched them, had become numb. Once, I even lit a cigarette and pressed it against the dead place on my thigh and I watched my skin burn and smelt the smell and felt no pain. I never told anybody. Who would I tell such fucked up things? My teachers and psychiatrists were all very patient and never understood shit. Ruka had looked at me with the worst eyes – eyes full of wariness and pity. As if they were only waiting for me to tell him whatever terrible things were going on inside my head. So I hadn't told him. Life went on and apart from the usual dream that made me afraid to sleep – the naked, red sky, my sister's eyes when she pleaded me for help, night after night, and the sharp stab of pain in my chest when I woke, apart from these moments, I buried thoughts of my sister deep inside and was careful not to think of her.
I suddenly had this crazy urge to feel something. Anything. To escape from the numbness that was slowly overtaking me and I grasped Mikan's right hand and yanked her towards me with no consideration to her position as the driver. She gasped and I felt her muscles tighten against me but then she relaxed herself and let me keep her hand while she parked illegally on the side of the road.
Silence and rain.
I turned my head toward her and grabbed her face, pressing my lips to hers harshly. I forcefully pried her mouth open, scraping teeth against teeth, biting her and tasting blood but I couldn't stop. Her presence was comforting in a way I didn't understand, her smell making my heart pound and my blood roll. I ran my shaking fingers through her curls and breathed her in, never breaking contact with her lips. A fleeting thought at how shocking it was that she let me and even responded to my desperate antics. Her arms wrapped around my neck tightly, holding me.
I kept ravishing her for a while, I'm not sure how long but finally Mikan pulled away and stopped me with a hand on my mouth when I immediately went for her lips again at the loss of contact. "Hey," she breathed heavily. "We're almost there. Are you going to be fine just for a little while?"
Our breathing mixed with the rain and the sound of wipers. I leaned back in my seat, closing my eyes. Mikan turned the key to restart the car but at the same time I felt her soft hand slip into mine. I squeezed it hard, holding it against my face, nuzzling it with my mouth and nose, not sure what the fuck I was doing. But even from just her hand, the smoothness of her warm skin was calming my thumping heart and my breathing became more regular against her palm. I closed my eyes, forced myself not to think about anything.
"We're here." Mikan's voice brought me back to reality.
Everything was a fog from there. I only remember her hand holding mine, pulling me along. I watched it as the darkness was replaced with white light, hospital light. I heard voices around me, footsteps. Suddenly father's voice. I finally raised my head and he was speaking to me but I couldn't hear him. His face looked worn out, the wrinkles between his eyebrows deeper than ever.
Then the sounds came back. "-listening?" father seemed angry. I shook my head and tried to clear my throat.
"Where's...?" I didn't finish the sentence, couldn't. Mother.
"Still in operation."
A flash of mother's face with dead eyes and open mouth. My breathing turned shallow, I couldn't breathe properly, black dots entering my field of vision. Wondering if I was also dying.
Then, lean arms around me, flowery scent. Soft voice next to my ear. My vision came back and I found myself in a chair in the waiting room. Mikan was still by my side, watching me warily. Her hands touching me, right above my collarbone, near my neck. A strange thought entered my mind, that she was like that, always doing something slightly different, touching a different place than everyone else. I shivered at the feeling of her warm hands.
She misinterpreted it and quickly covered me with a hospital blanket, her brows furrowed in concern. I smirked at her weakly. "Pathetic." My voice came from a faraway place.
She blinked like she wasn't sure I'd really spoken. "What is?"
"Me."
I watched with fascination as her face softened. I could see every line, every feature loosen and become smooth because she was sitting so close. "That's stupid," Mikan said with a small smile.
"Yeah?" I brought my face even closer, almost resting my forehead against hers. Mikan's breathing quickened slightly. Freckles. Soft curls. Everything about her was soft.
And I kissed her softly, completely different from the anguished kiss in the car. Maybe because of those curls, I wasn't sure. She responded hesitantly at first, then melting before me as I drew her closer, encircling her with my arms, my fingers and lips still desperate to feel her.
Someone cleared their throat and Mikan froze and broke away. Father was standing two feet away, watching us carefully. I couldn't read his gaze and frankly couldn't care less what he thought right then. "Mr. Hyuuga," Mikan said in a slightly hectic voice, "are there any news?"
Father shot me a look before turned to Mikan, speaking in a manner I'd never heard him use. Not since Aoi anyway.
"She is stable," he said in a relieved voice and I closed my eyes and leaned back against the wall and let out a shaky breath. Mother wasn't going to die. As soon as I relaxed my body, my throat began to hurt and I blinked, my eyes stinging. I stood and walked away with fast steps but I knew they'd both seen it.
When I closed and locked the door to the toilet stall, the tears had already stained my cheeks. Now that I was finally alone I let go for the first time in four years and sobbed like a baby.
-.
Mikan
I cleared my throat uncomfortably. The room I was seated in was a parlour of some sort with high-priced furniture and huge windows revealing the view of an enormous garden. I felt like Elizabeth Bennet when she first arrived at Mr. Darcy's estate in Pride and Prejudice. Except for the fact that in the scene she realises her feelings for Mr. Darcy and I was nowhere close to figuring out what mine were.
When the doctors had assured Mr. Hyuuga that his wife was out of danger we had driven straight to the Hyuuga residence to get a few hours of sleep.
We hadn't talked much on the way, Natsume wouldn't really look me in the eye as his own were still red from crying and I myself had been exhausted. As soon as we arrived Natsume had disappeared to what I assumed must have been his room and his father had pointed me towards the guest bedroom where I had only managed to throw off my shoes before immediately falling asleep.
Moving on to my current predicament. Awoken by a maid knocking on my door and now seated on one side of a fairly long table across from Natsume's father. He was on the phone with the doctor and paid me little mind, adding to my growing unease.
What was I still doing here? This was Natsume's home, his family, and now that he presumably wasn't delirious any longer, was I even welcome here?
Mr. Hyuuga ended the call and picked up his fork and knife to cut into a delicious-looking Eggs Benedict. I looked down at my plate and found I had been served the same thing. Any other day, I'd have dug right in but in this situation my stomach was churning uncomfortably. Where the heck was Natsume?
I cleared my throat again. "Um, Mr. Hyuuga, how is your wife?"
He looked up. "Well. Considering the circumstances."
"Are you going back to the hospital today?"
He returned his attention to the eggs. "I have work."
"Oh," I replied with badly hidden surprise and his head snapped back up, eyes piercing me with a look I recognised easily from Natsume. This really was his father. "Sorry, I... when can she come back home?"
He stared at me searchingly for a second longer before replying, "tomorrow morning. I'll have the necessary equipment brought here." He picked up his newspaper and opened it, signalling that the conversation was over.
"That's great!" I couldn't help but utter. We sat in silence until I could no longer keep quiet, "Um, what does she like?"
Mr. Hyuuga peaked at me from behind the paper with furrowed brows. "What do you mean?"
"Oh, I thought I might get her a present or something before I go back, something to take her mind off things for a bit... do you know of something that would make her happy?"
He stared at me. Then he refolded the newspaper carefully. "Sunflowers."
"That's great! They're so bright and yellow. What about food?"
"Sushi."
"Mrs. Hyuuga sure has exquisite taste," I laughed, "and literature?"
He looked thoughtful for a moment. "When we were younger she could babble on about Jane Austen for hours." Mr. Hyuuga smirked slightly.
"Are you kidding me? I love Jane Austen! Actually, I might have a really nice edition of Pride and Prejudice in my bag! If Mrs. Hyuuga would like to have it, she can! It's no trouble, I have more copies at home," I said excitedly.
Mr. Hyuuga let out a dry laugh that sounded almost like a cough, "She'd like that."
At that moment Natsume entered the room, looking his stunningly handsome self with messy hair, wearing black silk pyjama pants. ONLY pants. I tried not to stare at his muscular chest or the way his arms flexed naturally when he scratched his chin slightly.
"Natsume," Mr. Hyuuga greeted him with a short nod.
I mustered up all my courage and told him a soft, "good morning."
Natsume had been making his way around the table and stopped behind my chair. I turned my neck slightly to look at him, forcing my eyes not to stray away from his face.
"You're still here."
Before I could reply, Mr. Hyuuga's voice came from across the table, "it would have been irresponsible to let her drive all the way home in the middle of the night. I have arranged for someone to pick up your car from the hospital and drive it here. I understood your family lives two hours away?" he inquired.
"Yes, but it's no problem at all! I can take a bus and pick up my car and drive home now if you want to be alone, I understand!" I babbled, all flustered.
"No." It was Natsume's voice this time. Velvety, dark. It sent shivers down my spine. "It's fine."
He took two long strides before casually seating himself at the table end and asking a maid to bring him some toast.
"I must return to work," Mr. Hyuuga said and I thought I saw Natsume stiffen. Mr. Hyuuga reached into his left pocket and retrieved a checkbook, writing something with an expensive-looking pen. He got up and handed it to me. "I trust this is sufficient?"
I stared at the check. Then up at Mr. Hyuuga.
"Are you serious, father?" Natsume hissed, his body visibly tense, "she's not a fucking prostitute!"
Mr. Hyuuga looked at his son coldly. "I know."
It finally sunk in, "oh, it's to buy the presents for Mrs. Hyuuga, right? Leave it to me." I beamed at him and accepted the check. I received a tiny smile in return. Mr. Hyuuga turned around in one smooth motion and strolled out the room.
I must say, the men in the Hyuuga family seriously knew how to look cool.
"What was that?" Natsume asked irritably.
"Before you came, we discussed what to get your mother when she returns from the hospital tomorrow! This," I waved the check in his face, "is for buying sunflowers and sushi," and as an afterthought, "You big moron."
"You talked to my father about that?" Natsume looked at me weirdly. Almost with something akin to amazement. It wasn't a bad feeling.
I puffed my chest slightly, beyond my control a sudden happiness bubbling in my stomach, "well, yes. I had to talk to him about something. I didn't want to sit in awkward silence!"
Natsume laughed loudly, shaking his head. "These last 24 hours have been fucking crazy and you talk about awkward silence? Unbelievable."
"How are you feeling?" I asked softly, remembering that he couldn't possibly be as untouched as he appeared.
He stared at me, then snorted loudly. "No way in hell are we doing that." He gesticulated from himself to me, "You'd do best to forget yesterday ever happened."
"Yesterday did happen!" I tried to keep control of my voice but the anger and disappointment was clearly evident.
Natsume leaned back nonchalantly, looking me up and down, "What, you wanted to talk about my feelings? Share my sorrows, grow closer or whatever the fuck the point is supposed to be? Sorry, but I'm not doing that," he said arrogantly, the carefree days we'd spent at my place suddenly long gone.
"You know what?" I hissed between my teeth, "you're such an arsehole I hope you choke on your stupid toast!" I grabbed the check and left the room in a hurry, not wanting to waste even one more second on that arrogant, impossible git.
Natsume
Well, this was a strange situation. Mikan Sakura in my house, chatting happily with my father about buying fucking presents for my mother. What was the world coming to? I had been so out of it the night before I hadn't had the time to process that the hell it would mean to bring her here. In fact, I had done a lot of embarrassing shit that night that I never would have wanted anyone to witness. Least of all her.
She made me feel vulnerable like a child. At the same time I wanted to just grab her and fuck her senseless. Still remembering the kisses clear as day, the mere thought of it turned me on. Her body moulded against mine, pulling her soft hair, ravishing those pouty lips... I wanted her so bad it wasn't even funny.
But she'd seen. Me – in all my fucked-up glory. I acted completely insane the night before, it was a wonder she hadn't run away screaming. It puzzled me. Mikan Sakura was nothing like anyone I'd met before. She never did what normal people do best, which was to look out for their own asses. It vexed me. How could she care so much about other people? Why would she want to help me if she thought I was such a bastard?
I pushed those thoughts aside when Ruka picked up the phone, "Nat!" he sounded relieved.
"Hey, man."
"Are you ok? What happened?!"
I told him about mother. "But she's fine now."
"Holy shit, Nat. I'm really glad. Do you want me to come over?"
Pause. "Nah."
"Is Mikan still with you?"
"She slept in the guest room," I muttered, not too keen on that particular subject.
"Really? She met your dad?"
"Apparently they bonded over breakfast," I said dryly.
"Seriously?" Ruka sounded incredulous, "go, Mikan!" Silently, I agreed.
"She just went out to buy presents for my mother..."
Ruka laughed hard, "you're like a married couple now!"
I groaned at Ruka's careless words, "would you shut up?"
"Oh, you're not denying it?" he said teasingly. "That's cute."
"Wanker."
Ruka laughed once more, then cleared his throat, "In all seriousness, you sound much better than I expected given the circumstances. I thought you would be... well, it doesn't matter. Glad you're fine! Call me later, Nat."
I hung up and stared at the phone. I knew what Ruka thought I'd be. Acting like a psychopath same as when my sister died. Only I wasn't. And I knew perfectly well why. Mikan Sakura had proved to be a nice distraction. A very soft and warm one.
"For Fuck's Sake," I groaned lowly when my dick stirred. I had to plan this carefully. There was no way she'd ever agree to sleep with me the way things were at present. Earlier, I'd listened as she stomped around in the hallway, huffing angrily before leaving without so much as a goodbye. A second of pure panic rushed over me and I had hurried to the guest room and breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that her things were still there. She'd only gone out to get the stuff she promised father.
It bothered me how angry she was, though.
My train of thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the front door. Father wouldn't be home until late, guessing Mikan was back. I waited for a while so as to not seem desperate, briefly checking my reflection in the mirror, before strolling down the stairs. I found her in the small kitchen, the one for mother's personal use with Italian, blue tiles and a simple, wooden table in the middle of the small room.
She had her back turned and was humming slightly while slicing cucumber into long sticks. A pot with white rice simmering on the stove. The door to the garden was open and I kept quiet, watching the way the light fell on her hair, the way it shone whenever a light breeze hit it.
I cleared my throat, uncomfortable with how much I liked the scenery. Mikan jumped and twirled around, knife in hand.
"Woah, Polkadots, put that down."
She scoffed at my words and returned to her slicing. I entered the kitchen fully and went to stand behind her, leaning against the wooden table. Silence filled the room, this time not an enjoyable one. Mikan's movements were tense and she'd stopped humming.
"He probably gave you a check so you could order the food, not make it yourself."
Mikan didn't answer, merely focusing even more intensely on her task.
I let out a groan. "Are you seriously mad at me? For what! Because I don't wanna talk about my feelings?"
The speed of the slicing increased, "No," she forced out, "because you belittle me for asking a perfectly normal question!"
"Oh, I belittled you, did I?"
She started cutting the cucumber into smaller bits, "yes. You always do that! You always use that condescending tone whenever I say something that's not... easy for me to say, and when you ridicule me it makes me feel like an idiot for even trying." She slammed the knife on the kitchen table and finally turned to look at me. "Maybe you think I ask people how they feel all the time but I don't! I don't want to feel vulnerable around you but sometimes you're different, you're less of a bastard and I- I forget what you're really like."
When I didn't immediately answer, she returned to the kitchen table, turned off the stove before grabbing a new cucumber and rinsing it with water from the tap.
"I'm the one feeling like an idiot," I began but paused and watched as Mikan turned off the water and looked at me, "when you... ask me things like how I feel. I don't know how to answer." I had her full attention now, could almost feel it physically in the room. I swallowed uncomfortably when she kept quiet. "I evade questions like that and I'm good at it, but you're just so damn persistent..."
"Well, poor you!" Mikan hissed and I knew I had to do some grand gesture of sorts or she'd stay mad. A crazy idea struck me and before I could analyse it further, I grabbed her wrist and pulled her away from the kitchen table.
"What are you doing?" she struggled angrily but I kept my grasp firm.
"Just come with me."
She let out a noise of disbelief, but I didn't blink and she eventually let out a, "fine!" between clenched teeth. I led her out of the kitchen where she forcefully yanked her arm out of my grip. When I continued into the hallway and up the stairs she followed me on her own, letting out small, dissatisfied huffs.
I stopped in front of my room and opened the door, gesticulating for Mikan to enter when she just stood there, fuming. She stomped in but I could tell she was curious despite her anger. I closed the door behind her and took a deep breath.
"Ok, go on."
"What?"
"Look around." When she just stared at me I sighed deeply and seated myself on my bed. "Just... look, alright? Ask me any questions you want. I'll answer." Well, in theory I would. Depended on what she wanted to know.
Mikan looked at me strangely before finally turning her attention towards the room.
I never kept many personal belongings. Never wrote a journal in my life or collected stuff like she did. My room was simple, had white walls, a dark wooden floor, a kingsize bed, and a desk where I used to do my homework when I was younger. Mikan went straight for the desk, running her hands along it.
"Not much for colours, huh? But I knew that," she observed casually, opening a desk drawer. "What's this?" she waived the old note with Tsubasa's number on.
"Andou's old phone number."
"From when you were kids?"
"Yeah."
"You still keep it?"
"Yeah."
She made a humming noise before putting it back where she had found it. Next, she looked at some of my old medals from soccer but didn't seem too interested in them.
"Family picture?" she asked after a while, holding up an old photograph taken six years ago. I had forgotten that had been in my drawer but couldn't very well deny the fact that it was now. I nodded shortly.
"You and your sister look alike. Was she like you?"
Pause. "No. She was more sensitive."
Mikan carefully put the photograph back in the drawer before closing it. "Do you miss her?"
I laughed harshly, "that's what you wanna know?"
She ignored my sarcastic tone and continued her interrogation, "well, do you?"
A groan, "I don't know," I answered honestly.
"You think about her?"
"Try not to."
"Why?"
My jaw hurt from clenching but at the same time I almost wanted to tell her. "When I do, I dream about it. It's so real, makes me feel like shit all over again."
"What happens in the dream?"
"Everything is red and she's... falling. Her eyes are looking right at me, you know, she fucking reaches for me but I can't get to her." I swallowed, "then her body hits the ground and I know she's dead. I can tell- the way her arms and legs just flutters completely without control, how she doesn't even react to the crash... like a doll or something." I buried my face in my hands, "fuck," I groaned, fed up with the whole situation.
"Did you tell anyone about these dreams?"
"It's nobody's business."
"So you didn't."
I slammed my hands on the bed and quickly stood to glare daggers at her, "what are you trying to get at?" I growled with anger.
"Just that you would feel a lot better if you talked to someone about-"
"You know what, I don't need this shit!" I raged while quickly making my way towards the door.
"Oh, you can't handle it? That's just so typical of you!" she yelled at my back and I whirred around, angrier than I'd been in a long time.
"Quit pretending you know me, damnit!"
"You're egoistical and you always get your way-"
"I don't decide shit when I'm with you! Nothing ever goes according to-"
"Oh, don't play the victim here! We both know-"
"You're so fucking condescending, I'm sick of it!"
"I'm sick of you!"
"That's just perfect, Sakura! I've never once wanted to be your friend-"
"You're a miserable bastard you know that?! Why are you always acting like the whole world is against you, like it wronged you but you still don't wanna talk about it! Stop pretending to be okay-"
"I'M NOT OKAY!"
Mikan stopped yelling.
"MY MOTHER IS IN THE HOSPITAL, MY SISTER IS DEAD! MY DAD IS A FUCKING ASSHOLE! HOW COULD I BE OKAY? I'M SO FUCKED AND I CAN'T... I JUST CAN'T DEAL WITH ALL YOUR BULLSHIT, ALRIGHT!" I slumped back down on my bed, rubbing my temples hard.
My ragged breathing filled the silence of the room for a few blissful moments. "You're just sad." Mikan's voice was calm. She hadn't moved an inch from her position three feet away.
I laughed humourlessly. "Stop playing the shrink, Polkadots."
"Just- LISTEN TO ME!" I looked up at her sudden outburst. "You're not fucked or anything. And there's nothing wrong with the world. You're sad. And I get it, I understand! But you don't get to just... walk around and poison everything else because of it! It's not all about you! I don't want you to miss out on what's beautiful just because you're-"
That was about as much as I could take. I grabbed her arm and yanked her forcefully so she crashed into me. She only had time to let out a gasp before I had rolled her over on the bed in a smooth motion, covering her body with mine. Covering her mouth with mine.
I didn't even realise how much I'd missed her lips. The kiss at the hospital seemed like ages ago, even though it happened only yesterday. Her lips – soft, pliant, and burning hot. That subtle flowery scent overwhelming my senses, my arms around her waist, holding her tightly to me. I pressed my alreay hard dick against her hip, rubbing it while enjoying those sounds of hers, knowing I was the cause of them.
"Wait- mmhm! Nat-mh! Natsume!" she protested when I kept pressing kisses to her slightly open mouth. She turned her face away and I went for her neck instead, licking and nippling, while tracing her stomach with my fingers underneath her shirt. "We're not done talking," she managed, breathing heavily.
"I am."
"No, you're not! You can't just do this every time it gets serious-"
I groaned loudly, retreating my hand. "Why can't you just shut up for once and not think all the damn time?"
"Because you don't think at all!" she bellowed.
I raised my voice to match hers, "I don't want to! I don't want to think about any-fucking-thing!"
"So go get one of your girlfriends to distract you!" she yelled angrily.
"What's your fucking problem, Mikan? I know you want me too!"
"I'M NOT. JUST. A DISTRACTION!"
"I KNOW!"
We were both breathing heavily, staring each other dead in the eye. Me, still hovering above her, her breasts heaving against my chest. I was hit with the feeling that I'd blurted out something a little too real.
"You do?" her voice was small, strangely vulnerable.
"You don't want me missing out on the world's beauty, right?" I smirked down at her, trying to erase my last remark, all the while caressing her cheek gently to make sure she knew I still meant it.
"But I'm not..."
"Mikan," I interrupted with seriousness, "you can do whatever the hell you want."
She hesitated for a moment, then draped her arm around my neck, pulling me down. I let her kiss me slowly, softly as she held my face between her delicate hands, her fingers caressing my face. I hissed with pleasure when she wrapped her legs around me and pressed my body even closer to hers. She planted her lips hard against my mouth and held them there before breaking away to look me in the eye.
"Do you want to?" I asked her quietly, trying to control my desire.
"This is really not a good idea," she whispered but made no attempt to move away. "You're going to hurt me."
I placed a hot kiss on her lips. "Right now, I'm going to make you feel more pleasure than you've ever felt before."
And I proceeded to do just that.
Mikan
I always had this idea about sex. As I grew older, more and more people talked about it and I'd seen it in my favourite french movies and imagined what it'd feel like. I even thought about how much it would hurt because I was a virgin and I had heard stories of blood and pain, and was kind of worried about it. But I couldn't possibly know. The feeling of having someone else so close, inside of me- there's nothing more intimate. Nothing more unbelievable. I wouldn't want anyone else this close, maybe I wouldn't even want Natsume that lose if I had known, but I hadn't thought about anything at all except for his touch, his movement, his kisses... He was wonderful. There hadn't been anything else except for him, nothing more important, nothing more amazing than being in his arms.
I breathed slowly, trying to calm beating heart as we lay side by side, entangled in Natsume's sheets. My body still tingly all over, everywhere my skin felt sensitive, a sweet ache between my legs. The room had grown darker and I dimly registered that it must be evening. Time had flown.
"Well, that was..." I began, sounding hoarse, but didn't know how to finish. Amazing. Wonderful. Completely crazy.
Natsume let out a low chuckle before turning around to face me, resting his head against his palm. "Too much for you?" his voice worked like electricity and floated through my body and down to my groin. Unbelievable..
"Four times is a little..." I mumbled but couldn't keep an embarrassed smile off my face. "Is it always like this?"
"What?"
"Sex, I mean."
Something softened in his eyes and he reached out and smoothed a strand of my hair away from my face, "No." His hand rested against my cheek. "It's not always like this."
I mouthed an 'oh', my face growing warmer at Natsume's touch.
"Listen," he rasped.
"What?"
"I can't."
"You can't what?"
"I can no longer...," he groaned, searching for words, "I can no longer feel anything. Nothing."
I remained silent.
"Mikan?"
"Okay."
"Since Aoi."
"Yes."
"No one."
"Yes."
"I don't feel it... love."
"Yes."
"For anything." he breathed heavily, "just wanted to make it clear."
I kept silent for a while, before I spoke, "how can a person without love be possible? There's no such person. Such a person doesn't exist."
He groaned lowly, removing his hand, "you don't understand. Your world has love soaked into it."
He breathed deeply and I spoke in a softer tone, "if you didn't feel love you wouldn't be hurting so much."
"I'm not an idiot," Natsume's voice cracked slightly. "I just feel numb. Whenever I think about my sister, it's like remembering a scene from a movie. Like it happened to somebody else."
His eyes became moist and I instinctively moved closer, not touching him, but able to feel the warmth radiating from his naked body.
"Natsume," I said quietly looking right into his eyes. "It's not your fault."
"What're you-"
"It was a terrible thing. But it happened and it wasn't your fault."
"Fuck that-"
I interrupted his burst of anger by grabbing his hand hard, "I am so sorry your sister died. She was just a small child and I can't imagine how helpless her death must have made you feel. How angry you were. How sad. But you were a child too. And it's alright to feel helpless when you lose someone you love. But you have to understand that it's not your fault." I felt two lonely tears running sideways down my cheeks and into the pillow, but I still refused to break eye contact.
"Hey," Natsume's murmured, his eyes soft as he took in the sight of me, "why are you crying?"
"Because I'm an emotional idiot," I whispered, more tears trailing down my nose, the wetness on the pillow spreading like a puddle in the rain.
Natsume smirked slightly before leaning forward to kiss my mouth. At first it was soft and slow, but soon turned heated as he covered me with open-mouthed kisses, his arms holding me so tightly it almost hurt. Then he stopped, probably just as exhausted as I was, settling into a position with his arm around my waist, his face so close to mine I felt his warm breath on my lips.
"What was she like? Aoi." I was careful to keep completely still, my voice so low, he only heard because he was so close.
Natsume sighed, puffs of his breath caressing my chin, "she was a little pain in the butt."
I chuckled softly, my nose touching Natsume's. He smirked at me when I felt a blush marring my cheeks at the contact.
"One time she went into my room and pulled all the drawers out of my desk just because she was pissed at me. Some of my stuff seriously broke in the process." His low snigger mirrored my own.
"What did you do?"
"I didn't speak to her for one whole day and she was so upset. When I came home from soccer practice she'd drawn smiley faces on all my trophies as an apology." Natsume laugh sounded genuine now, more so than I'd ever heard before.
"Oh, I feel bad for her," I grinned.
"I made her clean it all off. But yeah... now I wish I hadn't." My eyes strayed towards the shiny trophies on the shelf that I had brushed off as proof of Natsume's huge ego just a few hours earlier. I felt ashamed, wondering just how many times I'd misunderstood his actions as cold, assumed he didn't feel anything, or that his feeling were of less importance than mine.
"She sounds like a handful." I said jokingly, suppressing a strong urge to apologise.
"Yeah. The two of you would have gotten along."
For a while we were both silent. "I'm sorry," I then said softly, unable to keep it in.
"For what?" Natsume's voice was hoarse, his dark eyes boring into mine.
I held his gaze. "For thinking you weren't good enough the way you are. I was wrong."
He watched me silently for a few moments, then he drew his hand around my neck and pulled me against his chest, wrapping his strong arms around me. I drew a shaky breath to calm down and relaxed my body against his, closing my eyes and listening to the steady beating of his heart. Just as sleep had overcome me, I heard him say something. It was so quiet, just a breath of air and so unbelievable, I thought I might have been dreaming,
"Thank you."
-.
A/N: Finally done. I've been very doubtful about which direction to take this chapter and have changed it several times from a much more emotional confrontation (cry cry cry) to what I eventually concluded fit their personalities much better. I am pretty satisfied with the way it turned out!
Some of you may be disappointed that there's no explicit sex-scene and I originally planned there to be, but to be honest – I don't think it's all that interesting to neither write nor read. I'll leave it to your imagination :-D
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing this story! I know, I've been at it for many years now but the ending is finally approaching. Stay tuned!