I sat in the dark passageway for what felt like forever. When I finally gained control of my emotions again, I stood up and made my way to the shack. When I got there, I collapsed on the couch. I wished I could find the energy to go to the Three Broomsticks or something. I needed a drink.
I didn't have that energy. Crying takes a lot out of you. Emotion takes a lot of energy. I just felt so exhausted. I felt like I didn't even have the energy to cry anymore. I wrapped a throw blanket that had been sitting on the couch around my shoulders. I sat with my back to the arm of the couch, wrapped up tightly, my knees to my chest. I rested my head on my knees.
My entire body just felt like it couldn't move.I couldn't cry. I couldn't feel. I just sat there in silence.
Is this what heart break feels like?
Yes. I felt heartbroken. But there was so much more to it than that. This heartbreak was my own fault. Somehow, that was worse. I brought this on myself. I knew the consequences. I knew this was coming. I should have ended it earlier. I should have never started it, really. What was I thinking? How could I have ever thought this would end in anything but pain?
I have no idea how long I sat there. Eventually, I realized the room was getting bright and I realized it must be morning. I wondered briefly how James' date went. Then my mind shut down the idea. It wad too painful to even consider.
I couldn't sit here any longer. I needed… something. I didn't even know what I needed. Was I thirsty? No… that wasn't it. Was I hungry? Didn't feel like it.
I needed him.
The tears started all over again.