Unconventional

Chapter 21: What We Deserve

Author's Note: Hey, everyone. This was initially going to be a holiday chapter, but as I got into writing, it really didn't feel right. This is a super important chapter for the development of the story. I will be sure to do a holiday chapter in the future, if that's something you guys want. And I am aware that it's really sappy.

I hope you guys enjoy chapter 21.

The brunette had realized just how bad for her Emma was. And Emma agreed.

"It means… that I can't do this." Regina's brown eyes met Emma's blue ones. And as she continued, the blonde felt her breath catch in her throat. "I need to leave, Emma."

For what seemed like forever, the blonde just stared at the woman who was sitting next to her. Regina was staring straight ahead, their gazes not meeting. And due to the uneasy tension that was still heavy between them, Emma quickly assumed the worst. Regina said that she needed to leave. She realized just how damaging their relationship was- and how things could get much, much worse. It would be all too easy for them to get caught. And it seemed like she finally wasn't willing to risk that. Well, good. Emma wouldn't be able to forgive herself if things went bad. This would be better, for the both of them. Those words had echoed in the blonde's mind constantly since Emma had made the decision to come to the brunette's room. Maybe it would be better.

The idea entered Emma's mind that they could be together in the future, once Emma was out of school and graduated from college. Then, they could be honest about their relationship. And they could just be free to be themselves. But that was five years into the future. And by that time, maybe Regina's future wouldn't hold a place for Emma anymore. Maybe by that time, Regina would have found someone new, someone that could make her truly happy. Someone who could give her everything that she needed.

The thought made the blonde rethink the idea that she could have a future with the Mills family. It was clear that coming to break up with Regina had been the right decision. But now that it seemed to actually be happening, and the feelings of wanting it to be over were reciprocated, it made it all feel so much more real. And that hurt. The reality of the situation was that they both knew that they were just holding each other back from the lives they should be living. And now they were finally doing something about it. Emma just wished she had the resolve to stay longer, to stretch out this ending for as long as possible.

"I should go, then." Emma's words rang out, disrupting the silence as she stood from her seat on the carpet. But before she could so much as take a step toward the door, a hand had tightly grabbed onto hers.

Regina's eyes locked onto hers. "Where are you going? We need to talk about this." The brunette's voice came out suddenly, betraying just how caught off guard she was by the blonde's words.

"What is there to talk about?" Emma questioned, not moving any closer. She remained standing, ready to leave as soon as she was given the opportunity. The two of them talking about the fact that they were breaking up would just hurt too much. Right now, Emma could keep it together. She could pretend that it wasn't happening. She was determined not to cry in front of Regina. But that determination would be eaten away the longer the blonde had to look at her.

"The fact that I'm quitting my job, Emma." Regina's voice was harsher then, her shoulders tensing. "This isn't something you can just walk away on."

Emma froze in place, shock evident on her features. "Who said anything about quitting your job?" Her free hand tensed into a tight ball, unable to process the extent of the brunette's words. Quitting her job? That was crazy. And completely incomprehensible. Somehow breaking up seemed to make more sense. It was easier to break something apart than to fight to keep it together. Regina giving up her job- that was such a big sacrifice- one that didn't make any sense.

Regina's voice sounded then, calling Emma back to attention. "I did, about two minutes ago."

"You can't do that." The words came out of Emma's mouth in a tone of desperation.

Regina stood up from her place on the floor, dropping Emma's hand and crossing her arms across her stomach. "Why do you say that?" Her voice sounded hesitant then, the brunette obviously still attempting to get a grasp at what was going on.

"You can't do that for me," Emma continued.

The brunette took a step forward. "That isn't up to you." She paused, looking away briefly. "Look, this isn't just for you. It's for me too."

"Regina, it would be so much easier-"

"To what? Give up?" Regina let out a sharp breath. "I don't know if you've noticed, Emma, but we've tried that. It never works."

Emma didn't speak, knowing that she was completely right. Every time they tried to stop seeing each other, they would give up on the whole idea in a matter of days. It was a vicious cycle, one that never seemed to stop. They would spend time together, feel guilty, decide to separate themselves from one another, and then get back together. And it was that cycle that was making their relationship that much harder.

"Like you said, Miss Swan, we're in too deep." Regina's voice changed then. "I'm not willing to give you up. That isn't an option any more."

Tears began welling up in the corners of the blonde's eyes, but they didn't fall. She refused to cry. But all of the emotions that Emma was feeling at once made it almost impossible not to. "I-" She began, but stopped short, knowing that she couldn't put all of the things that she was feeling into words. Rushing forward, the blonde engulfed the older woman in a hug. But as they stood there, Emma felt guilt push its way to the center of her thoughts. How could she just let Regina do this? Give everything up for her. And how was Regina able to do it all so selflessly? Maybe that was what this all was about. The brunette had continuously been making sacrifices for her- to be with her, but Emma could never find it in herself to accept it. And that was because Emma had absolutely nothing to give in return. Regina was making all of these sacrifices, and although Emma loved her more than she had ever loved anything else, that didn't seem like enough. Nothing was enough.

They both stood there for a while in silence before Regina spoke up again. Her words came out slowly, as if she wasn't sure if she should ask the question at all. "Emma, what exactly did you think we were talking about before?"

The blonde just shook her head, unwilling to step back from the hug and let Regina look at her. She had just gone through a roller coaster of emotions, and her eyes were probably getting all red and puffy. If she looked into Regina's eyes, Emma would lose sight of the true problem. That Regina was sacrificing everything for her.

Finally, she responded, taking a long breath before doing so. "I… thought you were breaking up with me."

Regina stepped back then, just enough to look Emma in the eye. "Why do you always think that is our only solution. Why can't we just move past this?"

A tear escaped her eye then, but it was quickly wiped away by the brunette. "Because I'm never going to be able to…" She paused, her words serious. "I don't want you putting your life on hold for me. I don't-"

"You don't what?" Regina pushed, her voice growing more anxious than the blonde could ever remember it having been. The brunette wanted an answer. What was Emma holding back from her? Despite everything that they had been through, there still had always been a type of wall up between them. And after the big step she was making tonight, if Emma couldn't let that wall down… Regina didn't know what would happen to them.

Emma's voice was hardly above a whisper when she responded, her shimmering blue eyes cast to the ground. "I don't deserve that."

Regina just watched her for a few moments, trying to understand. When she spoke again, her voice was soft, "I'm not putting my life on hold, Emma." She stepped forward, "What do you think you don't deserve?"

"You. Henry." Emma took a shaky breath in. "Everything you've done has been for me. You've been so understanding and patient and…"

She looked away, but was stopped by the brunettes hand on her cheek, gently guiding Emma's eyes back to hers.

"And I can't give you everything that you've given me." She paused. "I can't give you the freedom to be open about our relationship. I can't give you the ability to tell your own mother who I really am to you." A tear slipped down the side of Emma's face. "I love you so much, and I feel so guilty because there's so much more to this than that. That's not enough."

At the end of the blonde's speech, she tried to force herself to breathe normally. To keep her roller coaster of emotions in check. But the brunette standing less than two feet away from her wasn't speaking. Regina just looked at her, in a way that she never had before. There was so much love in her eyes that Emma couldn't help but forget how guilty she had felt only moments earlier- how guilty she had been for the past few months that they had been together.

Maybe loving Regina with everything she had, maybe that was enough.

Before the other woman could respond, Emma closed the space between them. Pressing her mouth against Regina's, Emma felt completely at ease. There was more that was being said in that kiss than ever before. Regina didn't blame her, but accepted her completely.

It was true that Emma couldn't give her everything she wanted to, but she gave her everything she could. And that was what their love was about. It was about understanding and compromise and Emma never felt more in love with the brunette than she did in that moment.

After what seemed like eternity, Emma broke the kiss. Resting her forehead gently against those of the woman across from her, a small smile spread across her lips. "You know, you always seem to make things better."

"Miss Swan, you make every day better."