A/N:I can really, really fucking sympathize with Shinichi Kudo right now, so I'm gonna go ahead and write up my fucking feelings. Right now, they're pretty damned dark, considering I just got my dreams spat on in my face, and something's looming over me and any time I say something, I'm considered crazy or in the wrong. So here goes nothing. I apologize for the delay in updating, I just haven't been this depressed in a long time to write this up.
Chapter 20 Cold and Lost in Desperation (betrayal's cold hand)
I stared at Kaito for a few moments as he led me into his house, all without explaining a damned thing, and then he led me into his dining room, where he allowed me to sit down on a chair, which I pulled out with a loud clang and slammed myself down into, not even bothering to apologize for it, like my parents raised me to do. I was in no mood for those games.
My gaze went from my hands, which weren't covered in blood, thank god, but perfectly normal, to Kaito, who was looking nervous and anxious at my stare. It was as though he was afraid of me, thinking that I was some kind of freaking monster who was going to eat him. But I wasn't like that at all! Why was this happening to me?
I missed the days when I could just be a normal, ordinary kid who played with Ran every day, without nearly fainting every day, without mixing up reality with delusions, without my eye bleeding, without everyone thinking I was crazy, and without people trying to diagnose me with problems that didn't freaking exist. Screw this detective shit. If this was what was going to come of it, then I was ready to throw it away.
"...Tell me what the fuck's going on, Kaito." I snapped, in an icy tone. He didn't answer, his gaze still going around the room. It was as though he was afraid to even acknowledge my presence or talk to me. I was sick of this. Sick of people acting as though they knew something I didn't, sick of people lying to me, walking on eggshells around me, and all that.
I thought over what he had told me briefly, the whole thing about my eye being some kind of supernatural power made no goddamned sense and defied reason and logic. Why the hell was I supposed to believe in supernatural crap as an answer? As a detective, I was not a believer in irrational things, like aliens, reincarnation, crop circles, psychics, or ghosts.
I never believed in those things. They didn't exist. Anyone who said they did was either joking, crazy, idiotic, or psychotic. Science had all the answers for people. I didn't need to believe in supernatural bullshit to actually know that this guy was lying to me about something. But what?
"...I told you already, meitantei-san. Your eye has a power called Geass and you just can't control it well yet. That's all. I knew you were going to react this way, I just knew, but I couldn't tell you!"
I bit my lip so hard that it started to bleed a little, but I didn't care. I couldn't bring myself to honestly care about anything anymore. What was the point of doing this if everyone was going to lie to me about everything? I hated liars and lying. But what if my entire life was built upon liars? What would I do then? My whole damned reality was falling apart before my eyes and the only thing I could do was demand answers out of people like a prince.
A prince? Where the hell did I get that idea from? For some strange reason, it kinda suited me. No, no need to think of such irrational things at all! I just need to be me! I shook those thoughts off and glared at him before I spoke again, my voice a harsh whisper.
"Then...why, why didn't you tell me this stuff before? Before all this nonsense with Ran's dad, Ran and Hakase came up? You know, before they thought I was suffering from psychosis and decided to turn their backs on me! That would have been really nice, you know! But no, everyone keeps on deciding since I'm Shinichi Kudo, the detective, that I'm too nice to be burdened with this stuff, and hide things from me! Well, I'm sick of this shit! I want the full truth. And don't even try to do stuff like reincarnation, because it isn't real!" I screamed, feeling my fists tighten so hard they turned white from sweat.
"...Meitantei-san, no, Shinichi, you've gotta pull yourself together. You're losing your mind at this point. You've gotta stop letting this get you down. What happened to the confident, brave detective I knew who met me at my heists and provided such a good challenge?" Kaito whispered, wandering around the room, his hands in his pockets, as he pulled out magic trick after magic trick, in a vain attempt to entertain me. It didn't work. I wasn't in the mood for childish games. I wanted the goddamn truth and the truth I was going to get!
"...He's gone. He left the second he found out everyone was lying to him and were telling him half-truths! How many of you have been lying to me, making me out to be a mental case? I want to know why you did this! Why?" I cried, slamming my fists on the table. I'd never felt so much rage before in my life. It felt murderous, almost. Suddenly I almost understood why the people I arrested for murder had done it. It felt so easy, almost, to take another's life in my own hands, and end it, like pointing a bullet at their heads, and pulling the trigger-
I shook my head, ending that thought's life as soon as it began, and sighed. "Never mind that! So you believe I'm some reincarnation of some person?" I said skeptically.
"Yes, and you and I were brothers...though not really, more like adopted brothers. My name then was Rolo. And yours was Lelouch. Lelouch Lamperouge. I don't know how much you know or how much you deduced yourself, but that much is true."
"Lelouch?" I said, looking at him with wide eyes. "That's the guy who talks to me in my head."
He burst out laughing. "That's not exactly the kind of thing to confess to so openly, you know. But I'm glad you know a little bit, at least, of what I'm talking about. It makes things a little bit easier for me."
"Easier? Why's that?" I asked, as he sat, staring at me with sad eyes. Never before had I seen Kaito look so sad and depressed.
"Well, here I was afraid you were gonna think I was nuts and have me arrested. You're different from how you were in your past life, that's for sure. You killed without a second thought in your past life. Yes, you did. I'm glad you don't remember, but maybe it's best if you remember everything now. And that's why I've brought someone who can help you with that." He pointed to a green-haired girl, who was sitting there, looking at me in boredom. I knew her. But how? We'd never even met before.
"How can this cosplayer or escaped mental patient help me, Kaito? Have you lost your mind as well as your common sense?" I said. The green-haired girl laughed a little, but it dissipated as she walked over to me, extending a hand out to meet my hand.
"The name is C.C. But it's a pleasure to meet you again, even if you don't remember our contract or our relationship. Your name is Shinichi Kudo, isn't it?"
I nodded my head. "Yeah, that's right," I said tersely. "And what would you do, exactly, to help me out? Fix my eye?"
"I could do that," She said, "You see, I made the contract with you in a previous life that gave you that Geass, though it seems its power has modified over your new life. No longer can you command people what to do, it seems as though you can determine when they will die. You're certainly different from how I remember you as. But let's see how you will fare when all your memories come back to you."
She came closer to me, and pushed her green hair asideto show me a strange v-shaped mark on her forehead. What was that? What did that mean?
Then she put her lips around mine and kissed me, and suddenly a flow of strange...memories filled my head, not mine and yet mine. They were of people I didn't know and places I'd never been, but what did they all mean?
I saw a dark-haired boy with purple eyes putting on a mask and giving a speech before a large mass of people, making grand gestures with a sweep of his arms, I saw the same boy meeting with a girl in a wheelchair and holding her hand, then a girl with red hair kissing the same boy who was wearing a fancy, ornate white outfit, who looked quite sad, then shooting down a girl with long, pink hair who was covered in blood, then an orange-haired girl bleeding to death and the same boy begging her to live and her dying.
Finally, I saw the same boy being run through with a sword by the masked man, him whispering words to the other, like 'live on' or something, and then him dying by the man's hand and the brown-haired girl holding his hand, begging him not to go. I saw the green-haired girl with golden eyes telling the boy her true name, reverting to being a slave and their promise together. I saw all of this as I went through these strange memories, trying to connect what I knew about myself with this 'Lelouch' person.
Suddenly, things started making more sense. My constant deja vu, my eye bleeding, my sensitivity to blood and murder, my aversion of Ran's dad, my desire to protect Ran so much, and my creeped out feelings towards meeting Haibara...they were all tied to my past life. My eye bleeding...was from this 'Geass' thing that was in Lelouch's-no, my eye-my sensitivity to blood was because I had killed a lot in my past life as Zero.
"I see," I muttered, getting back up, feeling confused but also relieved. "Here I thought I was losing my mind, but in reality, I was reincarnated without my memories of this past life and that was why I was so confused?" I said, slowly, trying to process these irrational memories with my logical detective mind.
She looked at me, C.C., my former contractor, I mean, eying me up and down, carefully, as though I would disappear if she closed her eyes. Finally, she spoke, calmly, but softly at the same time, as though she were trying to reassure me somehow about all of this.
"Lelouch," She began, but paused, correcting her mistake, "I mean, Kudo Shinichi, do you now understand what has been happening to you has been a result of-"
I cut her off mid-sentence, smiling assuredly. "Uh, reincarnation and bad luck, I guess? I...don't understand everything, completely, nor can I ever hope to, as I'm not the person you knew as Lelouch anymore. Nor can I hope to be. I'm Kudo Shinichi, a detective, but I suppose I understand more now, our relationship, who these people called Kallen, Shirley, Nunnally, and Euphie are. Though, still, things don't make sense. So, Ran is Shirley, Haibara is Euphie...then who is Kuroba supposed to be?" I said.
"It's obvious, he's your brother, former brother. What do you want to do?" She asked, sitting down by me. It still creeped me out, her behavior towards me. I mean, I didn't necessarily know her in the same sense that Lelouch had, so I wasn't gonna be too friendly.
"...I dunno. Maybe I can show that bastard Kogoro-wait, uh, that guy is my dad from another life?"
Upon seeing C.C nod, I smack my forehead.
"Great. That's what I wanted to hear."