3/22/15-Updated

Note about silent moments: Dear readers, Silent moments is filled with triggers. From Cutting, rape, suicide attempts, and murder. I'd like to make it really clear that I do no condone any of these and I do not wish to hurt or offend anyone by writing this. It's just something that came to my head while I was going through issues. I will put this trigger at the top of each chapter, as well as several additional warnings.

"It's easier to say you're mad than to admit you're hurt…"

Bella

"Bella?" Rosalie called out sleepily. "Is that you?"

I sighed, hoping that I'd be able to sneak right in and to my bedroom before either of my siblings managed to catch me. At the very least, I'd have until morning to make another escape plan but apparently, luck wasn't on my side tonight.

"Jesus, do you have any idea how worried we were?" Jasper demanded. "You never came home, never called."

"Oh how the tables have turned," I replied snidely, heading for the stairs. "Now you know how it feels."

"Bella-"

"No don't start," I glared.

"No it's about time that we did start. You lock us out at every turn!" Rose growled. "We're your family! You should be able to rely on us, talk to us. You act like we don't, like we…"

"No, go ahead," I dared. "You wanted this talk so speak your mind. Nothing usually stops you."

"You act like we don't know how it feels," she whispered. "Like we didn't lose a sister too."

I stared at the pair of them coldly, "You don't know how it feels."

"We lost-"

"Yeah, I get it, you lost Elle too." I thundered. "Sure, you-" I looked at Jasper. "Know what it's like to look death in the face and somehow manage to get away. And you-" back to Rosalie. "have a little inkling of survivors guilt because you weren't home when you were supposed to be-"

"Bella-"

"But do you have any idea what it's like to watch her die? Do you have any idea what it feels like to hear that gun go off and see your little sister on the ground coughing and crying, surrounded by her blood? Do you have any idea what it's like to be so scared, not because you know you could die but because you feel yourself slipping away while she's still laying there awake. I fought so hard to stay awake, so that I could protect her but in the end I couldn't!" I yelled.

Tears had filled all of our eyes at that point yet I was the only one who seemed capable of speech at this point.

"Do you know what it's like to wake up in the hospital and to be told that your sister really had died horrifically? Do you have any idea what it's like to know that your other siblings couldn't even wait until you woke up to leave you? Do you have any idea what it feels like to not only blame yourself for what happened but to also be blamed by the people who cared about you?"

I took a deep breath before continuing.

"Do you have any idea what it's like to be locked in a mental asylum? Do you know what it's like to be tortured and to feel like you fucking deserve it for what you did? No, you don't! Yeah, you feel sad or guilty to a degree about what happened but you'll never know what I've have to feel. You'll never have to hate yourself as much as I hate myself. You'll never have to look in the mirror and wish that you could just die because it hurts so much."

I broke off, not able to speak anymore because the tears were falling.

"Bella," Rosalie reached for me but I moved away.

"It's not your fault, Bella." Jasper whispered. "What happened to Elle was tragic, horrific, but we couldn't have stopped it. We-you can't go on blaming yourself."

"Well, I do."

"You shouldn't-"

"Why do you care?!" I yelled. "Up until I tried to kill myself, you didn't care."

"That's not true."

"You have a great way of showing that," I mumbled sarcastically.

"We-" I went to stop her but she cut me off with a fierce look. "No, it's my turn. What you say is true to a degree. We won't know what it's like to watch-watch that happen. And yes, we do feel guilt."

"I was there," Jasper cut in. "I should've protected the two of you but I didn't hear shit until it was too late because of my headphones."

"And I wasn't there, like you said." Rosalie finished. "Part of me regrets that I decided to defy mom's orders and go out with friends after school because maybe things would've been different and yet part of me is glad that I wasn't there. As right as you are about your assumptions, you're also wrong."

"How?" I felt weak.

"We were there, we didn't just up and leave you, Bella. We were by your bedside for four and a half months."

"You're lying."

"What's going on here?" Phil and mom had once again chose the perfect moment to come home. Phil was glaring at the three of us while mom looked like she didn't give a shit. "Why are you three fighting now?"

"You didn't tell her?" Jasper demanded.

"What are you talking about?"

"Tell me what?" I asked.

"They were going to pull the plug on you, Bella. You weren't getting any better. The doctors even said that you were starting to slowly go downhill. For months it was like that, it was up and then back down. At four months, you were alive but the doctors didn't think you had a chance of waking up anytime soon. So they, they decided that they'd take you off life support."

"We couldn't be there to watch you go," Jasper murmured. "We just lost Elle, had to watch someone so little and beautiful and so full of life be put in the ground, we couldn't lose you to. Yes, we left but it wasn't until the very last moment. We said our goodbyes and we booked it out of there."

"You, you told me that they left as soon as Jasper was released," I stared at the people who were supposed to be my parents in disbelief. All the years, I've hated them for leaving me like they did. I believed that they didn't care in the slightest, and that they hated me too, but what I was told wasn't even true?

"You told her that? Why?"

"I don't recall that conversation," Phil looked anywhere but us. "We didn't have time to tell her anything. She made her own assumptions after she had her meltdown."

"That's a lie, I know you told me," I pushed. "It was the same day that I woke up. Mom told me that Elle was gone and when I asked about Jasper and Rosalie, I was told that they left a long time ago."

"So, it was something we forgot about, it's hardly the end of the world," Mom shrugged it off. "Now let's all get to bed. It's late."

I didn't budge. If they lied about something like that, what else had the lied about? But something else passed through my mind at the same moment. They had four years to reconnect with me but they didn't bother until now, why?

"What about after I woke up?" I asked, looking at Jasper and Rosalie.

"You were in a coma until about May first? Yeah, we'll we didn't find out that you had woken up and were actually okay until around the end of May. At that point, we were ready to jump on a plane and come see you but mom told us not to, you had your meltdown and were on your way to that hospital."

"There wasn't much we could do with you in that place, Bella. They were as strict as ever. We couldn't get an update on your condition because we weren't your parents, nor were we authorized-" he shot a glare at our parents. "We looked the place up, it looked good, it had some of the best ratings out of all the hospitals in Seattle."

"Still, we called home at least twice a week to as when they were going to see you," Rose added. "We hoped to catch them when they were there so we could talk to you but they either never answered or weren't with you. But our letters, we explained it all."

"Letters?"

"And presents, and pictures…" Rose said, softly. "We never forgot about you, Bella. You were always in our minds. We talked about our lives in those letters, asked how you were, sent you pictures of little places that we saw and that we loved-but we never got a response back."

I looked at my so called parents, feeling absolute hatred for them.

For years, I have hated myself, I have felt like no one cared about me only to find out that the two people who tried to show their love were thwarted at every turn.

"We didn't even know you left the hospital until you tried to kill yourself."

"You never told them I left?" This didn't surprise me as much as all the other information I received tonight did.

"Why is that such a big deal?" Phil asked. "You're a full time job to watch over, of course little information is going to slip through the cracks."

"You haven't watched over me once!" I yelled. "You never cared about me. And the only people that do-" My heart was broken, more so than I ever thought would be possible. "You told me that they never called, that they must be busy with leading their successful lives."

"Of course we care, Bells." Rose sniffled. "You're our little sister. You mean the world to us."

"How could you keep this from me? What did I do to you?"

"You were pathetic," Mom snapped. "They actually got on with their lives, moved out-moved on. We didn't want you to intrude on their success. You ruin everythin-"

I gasped as Rose's hand met our mother's cheek.

"She ruined nothing," Rosalie fumed. "If we would've know about this sooner, about how she was being treated, we would've made sure we took her with us."

Mom still gaping at Rosalie finally snapped, "You don't know what you're saying. You think it's easy living with her? Every little thing sets her off. She's not getting better and I doubt she ever will." She glared at me with steely blue eyes.

"I will," I stated firmly, surprising myself. "Up until now, I didn't really have a reason to. I thought that I deserved it but you know what, I don't." Her eyes were telling me something different but I refused to let it get me down.

"Your mother is right, in a way." Phil interjected to Rosalie and Jasper. "You two were in college, you were doing so well. Bella, she has issues that require twenty four seven attention-which I can admit that she doesn't get at home because we both have lives to live. That's why she was put in Volturi, they-"

"Caused more issues than what it was worth to send me."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Phil puffed his chest out. "And you don't either."

"Whatever," I muttered, looking down at my feet.

So much had happened in the short span of time since I got home.

My mind was going into overdrive as I thought about what this new information meant for me. But most importantly, for the first time, I felt the want to change.

I didn't want my life to be like this anymore.

I had much more to live for than I thought I did.

I had Masen, Alice, and now-though they've always been on my side just in the shadows it would appear- Jasper and Rosalie.

"What did you do with the letters?" I asked as Jasper and Rosalie had an intense glaring match with our parents. "And my presents."

"They're in her room." Phil glowered.

The perfect place. The one place that I wouldn't dare to set foot in because the reminder nearly brought me to my knees in pain. Of course they could've been sitting so openly in there and I still wouldn't have seen them.

"I want them."

"Yeah, we'll go get them then," he smirked as if he was about to prove a point to Jasper and Rosalie about how unstable I was, which could be the truth. I didn't know how it would feel to step foot in there again. "They're in the closet."

"Just stop, you know what it'll-"

"No, I got it," I turned and wandered up the stairs. My breath was heavy but it wasn't from the short walk up the stairs.

Hello Panic, I thought sarcastically.

I stood in front of her door, the only thing that had changed in the last four years. When she was alive, her name was in pink letters in the center of the door plus there were dozens of pictures she drew plastered over it. It was naturally taken down long before I even came home.

I took a deep breath.

"Let me, Bella."

"No, I got this," It was directed more at myself.

"You don't have to prove anything, Bella."

"I'm fine," I insisted as I reached for the handle. I can do this. It's only a room.

Think of Masen.

And I did. I thought of his big smile, his bright green eyes, and the way he held me-made me feel safe. I pushed open the door and let my eyes examine every inch of the room.

Still pink.

Still unmade.

Still made my heartache.

But it was manageable.

"I don't think I can do this," Rosalie whispered.

But I did. I knew that I could do this. Without hesitation, I stepped into the room that held so many beautiful memories and terrible sorrow and went straight for the closet. I grabbed the large black bag on the top shelf of her closet and quickly left the room.

I was pleased with myself even if I could feel the familiar tingly aches starting to creep up on me.

"Can I have some time?" I asked, softly. "I just want to-"

"Yeah, no problem. You know where to find us when you're ready to talk." Rosalie hugged me and for the first time, I let her. She squeezed me tight and smelled me? Yeah I wasn't too sure about the last one but it kinda seemed like it happened.

Then Jasper, seeing that I wasn't pulling away or throwing any punches or insults, joined us and it turned into a group hug.

And for the first time, without Masen around, I felt cared for.

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