I do not own Twilight. kdillin is my amazing beta. seriously. i sent this to her last night and it was already done by the time I woke up this morning. Amazing.

Edward

I woke to the sound of Bella throwing up in the bathroom. I sighed and forced my eyes open. It had become fairly normal for me to wake up in the middle of the night and find her in the bathroom or hunched over a trash can. I guess people don't always experience the nausea and vomiting but for some reason it was hitting her hard.

She'd had three treatments over the past month. Carlisle routinely took blood work to monitor if her cell count was good enough for her to take it. He wanted her to come in once a week, but she had to skip this week because he thought her count was a little low.

Her parents had been coming by every day, sometimes sleeping on the couch over-night if she was really bad. I was thankful for them because as much as I wanted to care for her, I couldn't do it alone. Hell I was even thankful for her dad. Over the past month we hadn't spoken much, but I could tell we'd come to a silent understanding. I think he finally realized that I wasn't going anywhere and that I was in this for the long haul. I guess I couldn't fault him for wanting to protect Bella like I wanted to protect her.

I swung my legs over the side of the bed and ran my fingers through my hair. "Bella are you okay?" I stumbled across the room and peeked into the hallway. The bathroom door was closed, but I still knew what was happening. She hated that we could hear her getting sick and she almost refused to let us see it unless it was unavoidable. I knocked lightly on the door.

"I'll be out in a minute," she called softly. The toilet flushed, but she still didn't open the door.

"Bella?" I hesitantly pushed the door open. I winced when I saw her. She was clinging to the sink for support as she stared intently at her own reflection. I knew that she didn't recognize herself. She'd already lost weight because of her changing eating habits and constant vomiting. The dark circles under her eyes were more prominent now and her skin was beyond pale.

"Attractive, huh?" She said, brushing her fingers under her eyes. She meant it as a joke, but her voice was flat. I'd noticed she started doing that as a defense mechanism, trying to make light of things to make them less scary. The truth was her fear was starting to show through.

She turned on the sink and rinsed out her mouth before turning towards me. I leaned forward and kissed her cheek as I scooped her up into my arms and carried her back into the bedroom. As I set her on the bed she asked for her brush. I hesitated, but handed it to her anyway. She leaned back against the headboard and started methodically brushing her hair, counting silently on her lips.

She'd become obsessive about it lately and it was starting to worry me. She seemed overly anxious about losing her hair, even though Carlisle said it may not even happen. Every day she got up and brushed her hair, root to tip, like it was the last time she'd get to do it.

"Bella stop," I pleaded. She stared straight ahead and brushed through it again. "Bella." I reached for the brush but she yanked it back.

"No."

"Bella..." I said again.

"I said no," she snapped. I cowered back and stayed silent, as I've learned to do when she had a moment like this. It didn't happen very often, but every once in a while her frustrations would break through the surface and show their ugly face. I wasn't angry with her at all. It wasn't her fault that she couldn't hold them back all the time. That's too much for any one person to carry on their shoulders. She sighed and turned towards me as she dropped the brush to her lap. "I'm sorry," she said softly. I wiped away the tears threatening from her eyes and smiled.

"It's okay."

"No it's not. You're just trying to help and I'm making it difficult."

"Sweetheart I think you're allowed to be difficult sometimes." I sat down beside her and wrapped my arms around her.

She cried softly on my shoulder for the next half hour and I didn't say a word. I kissed her neck or her cheek or rubbed her back knowing that there was nothing I could say to make it better and she honestly didn't want me to. She just wanted me to let her cry and not taint the pain with words. It was something she had to do every once in a while and despite the heartache, it was a thing of beauty to watch her release all her pain.

"I fucking love you," I said.

She pulled back, sniffled and laughed a little. "I fucking love you too." She leaned forward and pressed her lips to mine.

"Knock, knock?" Renee called. I heard the front door open and close. "Anybody home?"

"We're in here Mom," Bella said.

Renee peeked her head in and smiled. "Good morning. How was your morning?" She asked.

"It was good," Bella lied. Renee looked at me just like she did every morning for the truth. I shook my head slightly before Bella could notice.

"How about I make you some tea and breakfast?" Renee offered.

"I'm not really hungry," Bella said.

"That'd be great. Just try a little bit okay?" I nudged Bella as her mother went out into the kitchen.

We laid in bed together until Renee brought us both in some breakfast - Just a little toast and eggs, along with a glass of milk. I thanked Renee and handed Bella her plate. She stared at it with no excitement or joy. Definitely different from when she was eyeing that cheeseburger. She'd lost her love for food just like she thought she would.

"Do I need to do the baby airplane thing?" I cocked my eyebrow at her. I hated making her eat when nothing was appetizing to her, but she had to eat something to keep her strength up. She took one bite and swallowed it down like it was a piece of cardboard. "Good girl."

"Can you go get me a glass of water?" She asked.

"Sure." I set my plate down and jumped off the bed. Renee was still cleaning up in the kitchen. "Thanks for breakfast," I said.

"Is she eating it?" She asked. She washed one of the dishes and set it in the drying rack.

"One bite so far."

"How bad was it this morning?"

"I don't know she wouldn't let me see. I don't think I can really rate how bad anything is lately. It's all bad."

She nodded and finished up the dishes. I grabbed a glass and got Bella some water before returning to the bedroom. Her food was almost half gone.

"Did you get hungry while I was gone?" I asked, handing her the glass.

"I guess so." She shrugged. She was lying. I knew it was probably lying in the trash can or a bag.

"Are you up for going for a walk today?" I asked. Her eyes lit up a little at the prospect of going outside. She didn't get a chance to enjoy it very often so I tried to get her out as much as I could, especially now that the weather was nice. She reached for me and pulled me close before pressing her lips to mine.

"Can we go see Zafrina too?"

"Sure. Is she there today?"

"Yeah she should be. I talked to her yesterday." She crawled out of bed and started putting some regular clothes on. I went out into the kitchen and sat with Renee. Charlie walked in just as Bella came out of the bedroom. Charlie gave me the typical hello nod and wrapped his arms around Bella.

"Where are you off to kid?" He asked Bella.

"We're going for a walk. Will you be here when we get back?"

"Of course."

"Actually, could I have a word Charlie?" I looked towards Bella. "In private."

"Sure." He cleared his throat and Bella watched us suspiciously as we walked into our bedroom and closed the door. I'd meaning to have this conversation with him for a while now and I just haven't had the chance. "What can I do for you Edward?"

"Sir I..."

"Don't call me sir. I know I've probably been a pain in your ass, but if I'm right about this you want to speak to me about marrying my daughter so let's get past all the formal bullshit shall we?" He sat down in Bella's chair and leaned back.

"I..." Too be honest I was fucking dumbfounded. I mean he was right, but I had no idea what to say now. I had a hard enough time deciding to talk to him about it and now the words weren't flowing to say the least.

"I think it goes something like...Charlie I'm in love with Bella and I want to marry her."

"Yeah."

"Have you thought about where you'll live or how you'll support her?"

"I'm an artist Charlie," I admitted. "I've never been anything but that no matter how hard I tried to change it. And there's nothing I can do to guarantee that we're always going to live in a nice place or that I'm going to have the money to buy her all the things that she deserves. I won't tell you that. But I can tell you that I would fucking die for her. I wish I could take everything that she was going through and go through it for her just so she wouldn't feel one once of pain. And I think that should be enough." I tried to catch my breath and I realized how nervous I was. "I mean if that isn't enough..." I shook my head.

"It's more than enough." Charlie cracked a smile, almost like he was enjoying watching me sweat.

"No offense but I thought you hated me."

"I was unsure of you at the beginning I'll admit that. I'm protective of my daughter Edward and if you were in my position would you welcome someone like you right away?"

"No way in hell." I started to think about Bella and I having kids and the thought of my daughter dating someone like me scared me shitless.

"She was so sure about you though Edward. It made me think you were different. And now? You're still here. You take care of her every day at her worst and I can't tell you how much that means to me. You're a good kid." He looked like he was about to cry, but held it in just like I always tried to do. I guess Charlie and I were more similar than I ever thought, except for that whole mustache thing. I don't think I could ever pull that off.

"Edward?" Bella knocked on the door. "What are you guys doing?"

"Be out in a minute," I called.

"Do you have a ring yet?" Charlie asked.

"Not yet. I can't really...afford one right now. And I don't want to rush it. I want it to be right."

"Of course - I'd like to help...with the ring."

"Charlie I can't ask you to do that." I shook my head.

"You didn't ask, I offered. Consider it an early wedding gift. And if you really feel that bad about it, you can pay me back. I just want the best for my little girl. And you deserve it too Edward."

"Wow. Thank you...I don't really know what to say." I ran my fingers through my hair.

"Thank you will be enough."

"Thank you," I said quickly.

"Alright, then you better get going before she breaks down the door."

I nodded and crossed the room. Bella was standing right at the other side of the door when I opened it and she looked at me like I was crazy.

"What were you doing?" She asked.

"I just needed to ask him something." I cleared my throat and brushed past her. "Ready?"

"Yeah."

"Have fun kids and take it easy Bella, you don't want to push yourself," Renee said.

I took Bella's hand and we slowly made our way out of the apartment, down the stairs and out onto the street. She smiled as soon as we stepped onto the sidewalk.

I hailed us a cab so we could go to Central Park. I knew we wouldn't make it far before she needed to sit down, but it was one of her favorite places to walk.

I held onto her arm as we ambled along the sidewalks. Bella's eyes watched as we were passing by runners and other couples looking happy...and healthy. I didn't miss the stares she got from some people. I wouldn't lie - I knew she didn't look well to them. But who the fuck expected her to when she was going through treatment? She was still beautiful to me. Maybe a little skinny, but she was still my Bella.

"They don't know Edward," she said, making excuses for them.

"That doesn't give them license to stare at you like you're some kind of mutant."

"I need to sit," she mumbled. I helped her to the closest bench and we sat down. "Can I ask you something?" She fumbled with her fingers.

"Of course baby...anything." I put my arm around her shoulder and kissed her head.

"Did you talk to my dad about marrying me?"

Bella

My mother laughed a little under her breath as soon as my bedroom door closed.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing."

"That laugh is not nothing Mom. What do you know?"

"I don't know anything. Honest." She smiled and flipped the page on her magazine. "Except that there's only one thing I can think of that Edward would need to ask you father...in private."

I narrowed my eyes at the door. He isn't...is he?

"You don't think?" I asked.

"I do." She looked at me and her face fell. "Honey I thought you loved him."

"I do love him."

"And can you imagine spending your life with anyone else?"

"No."

She didn't understand. That wasn't the reason for my hesitance. Edward was it for me and I never doubted my love for him.

I stood up and made my way over to my bedroom door.

"Edward?" I knocked. "What are you guys doing?" I waited impatiently for them to finish whatever conversation they were having. Edward finally opened the door looking like he was about to sweat through his shirt. "What were you doing?"

"I just needed to ask him something. Ready?" He avoided my eyes as he took my hand. We said goodbye to my parents and made our way to Central Park. I tried to enjoy just being outside but it was impossible to shut my mind off.

I grew tired way too quickly and we sat down on one of the benches.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course baby...anything."

"Did you talk to my dad about marrying me?" I held my breath as I waited for his reaction. I felt his body stiffen beside me and I got my answer. He did. "Why did you do that?" I wondered aloud. I shook my head and closed my eyes.

"What the hell does that mean?" Edward asked. He was a little defensive and I didn't blame him. He didn't understand either. This had nothing to do with wanting to be married to him.

"Edward," I whispered.

"No. Why is it so hard for you to accept that I want to spend my life with you? I want to have a future with you Bella."

"I don't want you to be disappointed." I wiped a stray tear from my cheek and turned towards him.

"Baby you could never disappoint me..." He brushed his fingers along my cheek and bit down on his lip. "That could never happen."

"You want to make all these plans...this future. What if it never happens? I don't want you to expect all these things from us when I don't know if this treatment is even going to work. That's not fair for you."

"Don't...push me away again. Don't." He shook his head.

"I'm not pushing you away. I want you here with me, but I refuse to dream this perfect future for us when my future is so uncertain." I pulled myself onto his lap and draped my arms over his shoulders. "I'm certain about you Edward. Don't ever question that."

"But you don't want to marry me," he whispered.

"Yes I do. I just don't want to get your hopes up okay?" I pressed my forehead against his and sighed. "Hey I love you."

"I love you too." He tilted his head up and pressed his lips against mine. "You want to go see Zafrina now?"

"Sure."

Zafrina will never take Alice's or Edward's or my family's spot in my life, but she had become one of my best friends. Everyone else can sympathize all they want about what you're going through, but she's the only one who truly knows. It means a lot to have someone like that. Someone that I can look up to, someone that I can trust to understand exactly what I mean when I tell her I feel like shit. As much as Edward or Alice would like to say that they can't. And I know it hurts them.

I smiled as soon as we stepped into the room and I saw her. Edward kissed me and told me he'd take a walk and get some coffee.

"My Bella..." Zafrina reached out for my hand as I sat down beside her. "How are you today my dear?"

"I threw my toast in the trash," I admitted. I knew Edward knew I did it, but everything I tried to eat tasted like cardboard. I was so beyond hungry at this point that I couldn't even feel it. All I could feel was the exhaustion from not getting enough nutrients.

She narrowed her eyes at me and sighed. She looked different. A little skinnier than the last time I saw her.

"Can I talk to you about something?" I asked.

"You know you can. Spit it out girl." She smiled and turned towards me as a nurse came to change her bag.

"If you could go back and...Change things about your life if you knew this was going to happen to you would you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Your husband." I held back the tears. "If you knew that you were going to get sick and he was going to...feel the pain over watching you go through this would you still marry him?"

"In a heartbeat. When's the wedding?" She laughed.

"He didn't..." I shook my head. "I mean I know he wants to and he talked to my dad about it, but I told him I didn't want to go through with it. At least right now."

"Bella listen to me." She turned towards me and wrapped her other hand around mine. "You are a better person because of him and knowing you, he's a hell of a lot better person for loving you. That is never wrong and it is never wrong...to have hope. Do you understand?" Her voice broke. "Don't deny yourself something you want because of fear Bella. It'll cripple you for the rest of your life. He knows what he's getting into and you need to let him make that choice instead of doing it for him."

"Don't you ever feel like this life isn't what he signed up for though?"

"Of course. Neither of us signed up for this. Nobody does. You never know what curveballs life is going to throw at you this week or next month or twenty years from now. If the situation were reversed would you still want to spend your life with him?"

"Yes," I breathed.

"Then there's your answer. I'm not saying you guys have to rush down the aisle tomorrow, but don't cut yourself off from wanting that honey. You'll miss all the good things."

"I'm not promising anything." I understood what she was saying completely, but I couldn't help but feel that pain in my heart. I had no idea what I'll say to him when he proposes...if he ever does now. I just hope he understands why I can't say yes. Not right now at least.

Zafrina and I talked a little more and she told me that her treatments were ending soon. It made me sad to think that she wouldn't be here, but I was happy for her. And plus she promised to visit.

"I wanted to give you something." She tried to reach over to her bag, but it pulled on her IV.

"I'll get it." I pulled her bag up onto my lap. "What am I looking for?"

"It's the one with the bow."

I pulled out a long, thin box wrapped in the most ridiculous wrapping paper. I pulled at the bow and ripped the paper open. My breath hitched in my throat when I realized what it was.

"Just in case," she mumbled. She coughed a few times as I turned the electric razor around in my hands. "I don't know how you did it the first time, but I wanted it all gone when it started falling out."

"Yeah." I nodded, unconsciously twirling my hair in my fingers. I loved my hair. That's why I grew it so long once it actually came back. It was like I was overcompensating or something. It made me feel beautiful, like a woman. I didn't know how to feel beautiful without it and the thought of losing it again scared me.

Edward eventually came back and sat with us for a few minutes, his eyes trained on the gadget in my hands. Zafrina finished up her treatment and her husband came to pick her up. I was exhausted by that point so Edward just took me home. My parents were waiting when we got home and my mom cooked us an amazing meal. I tried my best to eat some of it and I managed to keep a few fork full down.

They both kissed me before they left and Edward took me to bed. We watched a movie until I fell asleep and I woke up later than usual the next day. I was always up before him. Mostly because I felt like I was going to puke my guts out, but today was different.

The space beside me wasn't even warm so I knew he'd been up for a while. I could hear the television out in the living room and him and Alice talking to each other. I sat up and ran my fingers through my hair.

No. I froze halfway through and started breathing quick and shallow. No. I closed my eyes and detangled my fingers from my hair. Except - I couldn't detangle them. No matter how far I pulled my hand away, there were still pieces of hair woven through my fingers. I held my breath as I turned around and stared down at the small clump of hair on my pillow. It wasn't much, but it was enough for me to know what was coming next.

I allowed myself a moment to cry silently in the privacy of my room before I crawled out of bed and went over to my bag. I grabbed the razor from it and quickly ducked into the bathroom. I managed a quick glance and Edward and Alice sitting on the couch. Edward's brow furrowed in confusion when I instantly closed the bathroom door and I knew he probably thought I was getting sick.

I set the razor down on the sink as I stared at myself in the mirror, trying to relish the last few moments with my hair. I know it seems like a stupid, petty thing but when it's staring you in the face it's scary. As much as we hate to admit it, a girl's hair is a big thing for her. It was part of who she is her identity, her personality.

A tear slipped down my cheek as I reached for the razor. I lifted it to my head and lingered for a few moments. And when I was finally ready, I turned it on.

A/N: So sorry it took me so long to get this update out. I came down with a cold and have been exhausted and busy with school and as much as I love this story, it's exhausting to write and I wasn't quite up to par for it. As far as how into depth I'll be getting with Bella's treatment, I want to do it justice for what cancer patients go through but I do not want to over-due it so please just understand that it is not going to be significantly dragged out for that reason. Believe it or not we are nearing the end of this story. I would say probably 5 chapters or less.

Regardless, I do have some announcements. I have created a blog for me as an author, kind of a home page instead of just having the entire story blogs spread out there. You can find news from me there as well as links to all my story blogs. I'll post the link on my profile.

I also am participating in the Love is In the Air Contest! It's anonymous so I can't tell you which entry is mine, but you should definitely check out all of them and vote for your favorite. I'll add a link on my profile or you can find the link on my blog.

I received my first entry for the One Shot Soundtrack Volume II. Make sure to check it out and there is still time to submit an entry!

Love Like Winter has just reached a critical point in the story so if you're not reading it yet, get your butt over there! : )