This was typed at 3 in the morning, so, yes, it is utterly and undeniably crack, long crack, and SG-chan is probably going to die from oxygen deprivation if she won't stop laughing. I had insomnia, and half a Snickers bar. *pause* I don't even like Snickers.

Speaking in English

Speaking in French

Speaking so everyone understands

Regular speech

Pandemonium and Chaos; Or, How Kaito Destroyed Pandora (Maybe)

Rating: PG-13

Word Count: 1,422

"What the hell??" Kaito dodged a bolt of lightning-- yes, lightning-- that had suddenly come out of nowhere. While he knew Akako was a witch, she normally used dark magic, not flashy stuff like this. Figures, he thought, annoyed. The night I'm 98% sure I've found Pandora, and a whack job has to show up.

"Cease and desist, human, or I will fry you where you stand!" a shrill feminine voice shrieked from behind him.

Yeah, right! I'm not an idiot! Kaito thought, almost rolling his eyes, but had to then dodge another lightning bolt. Ducking behind a statue, he tried to get a grip on the situation.

Apparently he'd lost Tantei-kun and the Task Force, but judging from the sounds of cursing getting closer, they'd catch up soon. Then he turned his attention to his attacker. Kaito's eyes widened.

A little girl who seemed to be no more than six or seven years old was rather dramatically stalking into the room. "Come out, come out, wherever you are," she sang softly, a trace of malice in her voice that was rather…enticing…

Kaito shook his head. Obviously she had some sort of trick similar to Akako's 'Men are my slaves' spell.

"Come on, little birdy, little Mud Man who thinks he can fly," the girl sing-songed, giggling rather maniacally. "Come give Mistress Koboi that little rock you have. I promise you a nice present, fit for a little birdy."

What the fuck is this kid on?? Kaito wondered rather disbelievingly. Just then, there was a flash of bright white light. Oh, great, did I just die? he thought. Nope, still here, the magician noted. And there were four people, three men and one woman, in the middle of the room where there hadn't been anyone before. They were dressed in combat clothing, and held guns.

"All right, don't move, you're coming with us," the gray-haired man on the far left ordered.

"Pathetic Mud Men," the girl scoffed, glaring, switching to English smoothly. "Do you honestly think I would come with you willingly?"

"Uh, actually, no, not really," one of the other men, a brunette with glasses, replied.

"If we deem it necessary, we will retrieve you by force," intoned the last man, a dark-skinned, tall fellow with a gold tattoo on his forehead.

"Besides, you owe us for getting you out of that hellhole," the blonde woman interjected. "Of course, we didn't know you were evil at the time, but still."

Kaito shook his head. He really should just quietly sneak away right now, he really should.

Suddenly, a wall near him practically exploded, plaster crumbling. A figure dressed in traditional Chinese clothing bounded through the hole in the wall. "Shampoo!" he cried, bespectacled eyes glancing around furiously. "Where are you, Shampoo??"

"Silly Mousse!" an accented voice chided, and a girl with long dark blue hair walked through the makeshift opening. "Shampoo right behind you! Hurry, must find jewel before Shampoo's Airen does!" Looking around the room, she completely ignored the crazy little girl and the military people, her gaze almost immediately drawn to Kaito. Her eyes widened. "Mousse! White suit man right there have jewel Airen needs to free ugly fiance!"

"Oh, shit," Kaito muttered. With a whirl of his cape and a well-placed smoke bomb, he quickly made a speedy getaway from the room.

Running down the corridor, Kaito jumped quickly to avoid a teenage boy with a black pigtail who was running in his direction, followed by another boy who wore a bandana around his forehead. They both stopped suddenly, then made an abrupt U-turn.

"Ryoga, there it is!" cried the pigtailed boy, pointing at the jewel Kaito was holding. Dammit, why didn't I put it away?? the thief thought incredulously.

"All right, you, just hand over the jewel and you won't get hurt," the other boy growled, sliding into a fighting stance. "We need it to free his," he jerked a thumb at the pigtailed boy, "fiance, so just give it to us before we beat you into a pulp."

"Airen!" The girl from earlier rounded the corner. She narrowed her eyes. "Give Shampoo jewel, white suit man!" she demanded, pointing at Kaito.

"It has disappeared! It has disappeared!" a voice with a French accent bellowed. Everyone turned to see a man with a mustache and dressed in a beige trench coat run down the hall towards them. "The Pink Panther, it is gone!" he wailed. Then, he stopped, eyes widening at the sight of Kaito, holding the jewel he'd stolen.

"You! You have taken it! Return it now, you thief!" the mustached man demanded. As Kaito stared in bewilderment at the man's accented French, while the others had no idea what he was saying at all, another bolt of lightning streaked down the hallway.

"What the fuck??" the boy with the bandana exclaimed, having narrowly missed being electrocuted. They heard gunfire as the four military people were beating a hasty retreat, firing their guns back in some semblance of defense.

"Carter, contact Thor and tell him to beam us the hell out of here!" the gray-haired man, who seemed to be the leader, ordered.

"I'm trying, sir!" the blonde woman cried, doing something to some kind of…stone?

The little psychotic girl from earlier rounded the corner, cackling maniacally and shooting lightning everywhere. Quickly, everyone ducked for cover, not wanting to meet a zappy end.

"KID, duck!" Was that Tantei-kun?…And oh crap, black-and-white projectile also known as a soccer ball approaching at high speeds! Kaito ducked just in time, and Conan's chosen weapon zoomed over the thief's head and beyond, hitting the girl who was a menace in the face and knocking her over.

"Hey, good job there, Tantei-kun!" Kaito complimented the shrunken teen.

"You… ignorant…FOOLS!" Oh, shit, apparently crazy girl wasn't out of the game.

"Why, hello, there, Kuroba-kun," a falsetto whispered in his ear.

"Gah!" Kaito leapt back about two inches. "Koizumi, what are you doing here??" The sorceress giggled rather highly, and Kaito raised an eyebrow. "Koizumi…?"

"I'm sorry, I had some Pixie Stix before I came here," Akako breathed. She gave the stone he was holding a curious glance from where she sat atop her broom. "Here, I can help you with that," she said.

"Be my guest," Kaito tossed it to her. He probably should have been wondering how or what everyone else was doing, but he was kind of busy at the moment.

Clasping the stone between her hands, Akako suddenly pressed inward. There was a loud 'pop!' and when the smoke cleared, everyone's hair had turned green, and there was now a suit of armor along with a boy wearing a red coat in the hallway.

The boy blinked. "What the hell happened, and where the fuck are we?"

The suit of armor swiveled its head, looking around at the destruction that had been wrought, as well as the disbelieving looks on the faces of everyone around them. "Uh, I'm not sure, nii-san."

"Hmm, I guess being on a sugar high affects my magic," Akako mused, giggling rather disturbingly, in Kaito's opinion.

"You shall all perish!" the little girl screamed, finally losing what was left of her self control.

As she moved to attack them, the boy in the red coat clapped his hands, then brought them to the floor, which rolled up, deflecting the lightning bolts, then continued to trap the girl in a stony tomb.

Silence reigned a moment before the brown haired man with glasses just blinked and said, "Wow." Wordlessly, everyone agreed with him. The Frenchman crept up behind Kaito and Akako to grab the jewel, but tripped over his own feet and hit his head on the floor, knocking himself unconscious.

Just then, Hakuba showed up, with the Task Force close behind. They all stared at the nearly destroyed hallway. The British teen sighed. "I don't even want to know."

"You are probably most correct in that euphemism," a cultured voice spoke. Everyone turned to see a little grey alien standing near the military group.

"Hey, Thor, about time you showed up," complained the leader of the military group.

Kaito shook his head. There was no way his mom was going to accept this as the excuse as to why he had missed his curfew…

*headdesk* Oh. My. God. Just managed to fit *counts on fingers* seven fandoms in a oneshot. *pauses* Yup, I'm crazy. SG-chan is going to go die of crack overdose now. Don't forget to review, and don't hesitate to ask questions! SG-chan's just not sure she'll be able to answer them in her frame of mind at the moment...