Chapter 21 – Day 14 – 4 Tributes
When I wake up, Billee is running around the shelter and collecting things in a book bag, as if he's ready to leave. I sit up from where I was sleeping and ask Billee what he's doing.
"Packing you up." He says to me. I'm confused.
"Why?" I ask.
"Atala, there's only four of us left, we can't risk being together in the end."
I consider what he's telling me and I guess he's right. But, I don't want to go. I don't want to leave him. I don't want this to be goodbye.
"There has to be something we can do." I think aloud. He looks at me as if I'm speaking gibberish.
"No." he says plainly. "You have to go. Now's our one chance to…"
"To what?"
"You just have to go, okay?"
No, I'm not okay.
"Alright."
He hands me the book bag he's been collecting and I take a peek inside to see what he's given me. Billee's literally split all of our supplies in two. Half for him and half for me.
Our goodbyes are awkward. I hug him and he hugs me and we look at each other for a split second before parting. As I begin to ascend into the woods, he follows me.
"Why are you following me?" I ask him.
"Well I just thought it wouldn't be fair if I got to keep the shelter."
"I survived more days without this place than with it. It's fine, you keep stay here." I say. I tell him this partially so I don't lose him entirely. If I'm breaking down I'll always know where he is.
Billee shrugs his shoulders and tosses his book bag back into the shelter. It lands right next to his jacket, which he still isn't wearing. Before I go, he gives me one last hug, this one tighter than the one before.
I go on my way without giving him a final glance.
After fifteen minutes of walking, I settle down against a tree. I'm not going to try and get too far away from him. I've lost him once and I'm not losing him again, not even this far in the games.
I eat a little bit of dried berries and drink some of my water. Then, I sit. I watch the birds fly from tree to tree. I remember how they tore apart Jack. The memory is still vivid in my head. I think of the arrow in Delly's stomach. I remind myself of the pain she suffered, and how I could do nothing to help her. I remember waking up the next morning and thinking she was asleep when she was actually dead. I think of the kids at the Bloodbath; that girl at the very start of the games who was killed by Munstead. Twenty of them, dead within eleven days, and I've witnessed eight of them die.
And their deaths weren't just at the expense of other tributes. I am the culprit of some of these deaths. I've been the reason behind four canon booms. I have a death count. I am a murderer.
The tears start to flow. I want to be home. I want to be with my mom and Annie.
I sniff and breathe hard. I don't want to cry. I need to, but I don't want to.
There's something so wrong about this. The Hunger Games aren't a form of punishment. They aren't fair. They're humiliating and damaging. Children who weren't alive during the Dark Days don't deserve punishment. We haven't done anything wrong. There isn't anything we owe.
I'm about to cry even more about the fact that I'll die in the upcoming days when I hear a scream. A scream that, although I've never heard before, I can immediately recognize.
It's Billee's.
The scream echoes through the trees and some birds fly away from their branches. Then, silence.
Then, another scream.
I pick up my things and begin sprinting in the direction of the scream. He keeps shouting for help, he sounds like he's hurt or worse.
I trip over branches and stones and eventually push through a few thin trees into a clearing that I know immediately is the clearing before the cliff and the rest of the barrier. There in plain sight, struggling with another tribute, is Billee. The other tribute, which I presume is a guy from his build, has Billee pinned to the ground and is throwing punches directly at his face. He's literally sitting on Billee's chest. They're both dangerously close to the cliff.
My first instinct is to run at the other tribute. I sprint as fast as I can towards him and as I jump on his back I see a reflective "3" on his shoulder.
"GET OFF HIM!" I scream, my arms locked on his shoulders and legs wrapped around his stomach like he's giving me a piggyback ride.
However, this tribute is massive. He instantly throws me off his back and I land on my side on the ground. At this point I remember the tribute's name is Cog.
I start to stand up and Cog starts to make this shimmy maneuver, forcing Billee closer and closer to the edge of the cliff while still on top of him. By the time I catch my balance, Cog has already got Billee's head hanging off the cliff. My hand brushes against something on my hip. I look down and see my throwing knives. Of course! How could I forget about them?
After a split second of feeling completely stupid, I take one of my 14 remaining knives and make my move.
I position the knife with the blade in my hand, aim at Cog's head, and throw as hard as I can from only about ten feet away.
It plants itself firmly in the back of his skull.
He breathes sharply and then struggles with his breaths, wheezing for a second or two. Billee gently pushes Cog's body back and he falls swiftly off the edge of the cliff. I hear a long and exaggerated zap followed by the boom of the canon.
Billee sits up and looks directly at me. I jog to him and hold my hand out to help him up.
"Are you alright?" I ask him. His nose is bleeding and his lip has a huge cut. There's also a red and purple mark above his right eyebrow.
Billee accepts my help but as soon as he stands up, he pushes by me and starts to walk away.
"Where are you going?" I question him. My voice is stern but cracks at the same time.
"You followed me, didn't you?" he asks. That's not the answer I was expecting.
"No, I just wanted to stay close—"
"Don't you even remember why we left each other in the first place?" He grits his teeth with each word he says.
"Why are you mad at me?" I respond in desperation.
"Come on, Atala, answer my damn question." He's not screaming at me but his voice is booming.
"Because we wanted to make sure it wasn't just us." My voice cracks again. I have tears forming in my eyes.
"So why would you think it's okay to come and help me?" His voice is still loud.
"Billee that's not fair." I say to him, getting louder as I start to cry more. "You know I couldn't just leave you."
"No, Atala, but you could have. You could have easily said 'no' and walked away."
"BILLEE, NO I COULDN'T HAVE!" I scream at him. My face is burning with redness. I can taste my salty tears, which are flowing down my face like rain trickling down a window.
He waits for a moment before his next response.
"Atala, I don't want it to be the two of us." He tells me in a hushed voice.
"I know." I reply, lowering my voice to his level.
"Atala, I'm gonna walk—" he swallows hard and continues. "—back into the woods and you're gonna wait here for ten minutes before you even consider coming to find me." His voice is just as shaky as mine. He's upset.
"Billee," I start, beginning to cry even more. He ignores me and starts to walk back to the forest.
"BILLEE!" I yell at him. My face is red again and my tears are spread all along my eyelid because I keep blinking before they have the chance to fall down my cheek.
He turns around and looks at me.
"Please don't go." I beg him. My words are cut by my breathing and sniffling. "I don't wanna lose you just yet. Please."
He turns around and disappears into the woods.
I fall to my knees and start screaming and crying like a five year old.
I'm in the same position as I was with Delly's death. My mind is tormented with loss and I struggle to keep control of myself. My emotions block my mentality and I can't think straight. There's too much pain.
What's stopping me from following him? His rules were verbal. There are no real consequences to chasing after him right now. So why do I follow his waiting rule? I don't know. Maybe it's out of respect for him. I don't know.
I break the ten minutes short after I count to six minutes. I pick up my book bag that dropped during the fight and run through the trees.
I'm running like a mad woman, calling his name frantically. Nobody responds. Nobody hears.
I'm risking my chances of getting caught by Portia but I don't care anymore. Let me die. I don't need to live anymore.
I take sharp turns and run through areas I don't know. I start to lose myself in the thick of the trees. I have no sense of direction except for the setting sun.
After a long time I sit down against a tree and gulp down some of my water. I cry for a little while, too. There are too many thoughts and ideas running through my head. I have no time to plan for the upcoming days or think strategy. I can only think of Billee and him leaving me so coldly. Or was it coldly? Was it really the only way he could leave? Could he have been kinder and left on good terms?
Then, I start to go crazy.
I don't know why and I don't know how, but piercing black birds with white crests flock onto the branches of the trees around me. Hundreds of them all sit and stare at me. But these aren't the same birds that tore apart Jack. These birds are different. These are Jabberjays.
Government-created birds. Birds that can repeat anything and everything they hear.
They start to replay my conversation with Billee.
"Why are you mad at me?"
"No, I just wanted to stay close—"
"Please don't go."
"BILLEE, NO I COULDN'T HAVE!"
All distorted and tampered versions of my cries, my words. They scream at me, a select hundred of these birds.
The rest of them replay my calls to Billee as I searched for him in the woods.
I clench my jaw and squeeze my teeth together. I cover my ears with my hands but I can still hear them. They're too loud.
I start to scream at the top of my lungs and cry for help. Cry for my mom, for Annie, for Siarrah, for Garry, for Miranda, for anyone.
Nobody comes to save me.
I'm alone.
And psychotic.
I stand up and throw my knives at them. I hit each of them and never miss. I use nine of my knives, hoping to kill a few and scare them away. They don't leave though. As the sky starts to turn black with night I pick up my belongings and stumble far away. The anthem starts to play and I can still hear the birds mocking me. I want to die. I see Cog's face in the sky. I still want to die.
I pass out some time later, concealing myself in a bush with red berries.