21.

She strokes Orphan and pretends not to care when Arthur enters the stables. She pretends not to listen when the bishop imposes another condition on the nearly impossible journey. She doesn't have to look at the Roman bishop to know that he is a self important and pathetic figure. She feels like if she did look at him, she would not be able to hold back the urge to beat in that smile of his. She dares to look at the steward because she wants to see this potential troublemaker. He's a little weasel of a man who keeps glancing nervously at the knights like they may soon give him forgiveness for being a burden on their hardest quest. The steward is lost in the stables, has nothing to do to prepare for the journey. He catches her gaze, stiffens, and opens his mouth to berate her but is startled by the entrance of Galahad.

Like a storm, he sweeps in collecting his personal weapons from Jols. He puts the weapons in his belt, starts the process of turning a passionate young man into a hardened soldier. He finishes too quickly, looks around lost for a moment till he sees her. They stare at each other longer than Anira can stand, so she rushes to him, holds him tight. For a moment that breaks her heart, she hallucinates that she's holding Everett, just like she did before he rode off to die. She knows that this might be the last such hug she gives to Galahad so she squeezes him tighter. She lets go when she needs to take a breath and as he lets go too, he kisses her on the cheek. It's so sweet, his shyness, how he dares to kiss her.

"Fifteen years," he says with a swallow.

"You'll do fine," she replies and as fast as she says it, it's the first time she believes it. She truly believes that they will all come back alive because she needs to believe it to be standing there. She needs it to be true more than anything else.

Galahad moves back to his horse, soothes and strokes Drift as Jols leads the other horses to their waiting riders. Bors gives her a little nudge as he passes, spits in the dirt at her feet. All the things she could say to him stay in her head as he continues past. Like always, Dagonet is close behind Bors. He stops in front of her, places his hands on her shoulders. The old familiar gesture, the old familiar Dagonet. He kisses her forehead and there is a moment where his lips linger, making the kiss a touch with more than brotherly affection. But when her eyes meet his, there is nothing she can say. A life with Dagonet flashes in her mind, opportunities where the kisses stolen are his and the fight at Kay's grave is more painful. She thinks of all that her life could have been and shakes her head. Life has brought her here, based on her choices and she can't change that. She wouldn't want to change it.

Staring at Dagonet, she thinks about his choices, the path that has led him here. If her choices have brought her here, than so have his. How can she say anything that will help any of them?

Tristan does not stop to say anything to her, just gets on his fine gelding and gives her a nod. She nods back. Maybe she doesn't need to say anything.

Lancelot has much the same reaction as Tristan initially, striding past her like she isn't there. Then he stops and turns back, giving her a curious look. In a wild dramatic gesture, he sweeps her up and kisses her full on the lips. Other women might find the gesture wonderfully romantic, but it just makes Anira rather annoyed. She smacks him about the head, their lips still pressed together until he lets her go with a laugh. Lancelot turns that twinkling smile towards Gawain, who has a queer expression on his face. Her lover should look more angry, but he just smiles after Anira gives Lancelot a parting slap. Trust Lancelot to turn all of this into some strange joke. She just wishes she got which part of this was funny.

There is a clink of armor behind her and process of elimination mean that it must be the knight commander. "I will take care of them, Anira," he says in his most serious voice and she has to repress the laugh that bubbles up inside her.

"I know you will," she replies, wanting to comfort him but they've never been close. All the same, she pats him on the arm with a little grin. He's a decent man, this Roman. He leaves with the same grim look as always and she wishes that she could say more to comfort him, but then it's Gawain who is standing in front of her.

In front of him all her bravery is gone and she just wants to hold him and cry. "I will never forgive you if you die," she mutters and he's the one that latches onto her.

"I've got something to come back for," he whispers in her ear. It should make her heart soar but she wants to scream instead. She's this useless bundle of emotions when she should be reassuring him.

All she can say it, "Please come back."

He strokes her hair and kisses her cheeks before he lets her go. "I don't want to leave you," he admits softly. "I wish I could take you with me."

Anira snorts. "Arthur wouldn't allow it," she points out. "No Roman would allow me to ride into battle."

"No, actually," he says with a wry smile. "I wouldn't let you. I'd be too worried about you now that I think about it. You'll be safer here."

"And unhappier," she whispers, gripping the edges of his breastplate. "I wish you didn't have to go."

She loves his whisper when he says, "Me too." He does not kiss her, just moves off to his horse. The others are waiting, watching her and she does not want to seem weak. Or at least as weak as she has been in the past. She can be strong, even if he does not kiss her right now.

Before he mounts his horse though, he stops and runs back to her. Gawain seizes her face and kisses her soundly, every inch of her tingling Her head is spinning and when he pulls away, Anira is so filled with joy that she barely hears him say, "Marry me."

He kisses her again and she clings to him like he is the only solid thing on this earth. The words don't register, what he has said, and the whole world is condensed down to his hands holding her close, to her hands holding him here. When he tilts her face towards his, she sees the question there, the words that finally sink into her mind. It steals the breath from her lungs but when the shadow of doubt flicks across his face, she blurts out her heart's desire: "Yes."

She kisses him again, ecstatic, but then it all comes back to her and she has to shoo him to his waiting comrades. He will come back because he has to come back to marry her. Nothing will keep him away, not when he loves her. Not when he wants to marry her. When Gawain wants to marry her, this cannot be the saddest day of her life.

Oh goodness, I had this one forever. I'm sorry for the long delay, just sometimes a story gets away from you and it's hard to catch it.

Reviews are welcome. Thank you for all the past reviews and for continuing to read.