Hey guys! meant to get this up yesterday but...

REVIEWS

Dawnfeather- Thanks, and Shadowfern is definitely happy to be working again!

"RedBirdSong"- Haha, yeah. Too many people just don't do justice to the elders.

"Silver Frost"- I know, right? most of Blueshadow's life involved secrets!

"Stormwatcher"- Thanks! and that's an interesting though, why do you think that?

"Spottedmist"- Ha, yes, he is a little grumpy ;)

"rainpool77"- Ohhhh

"walkswithwheels"- Yeah, I didn't look up online to find an exact ailment for Shadowfern.

"BlackBrassRevolution"- Hmm, I have no idea!

"Sweetflower0409"- Thanks! and *sigh* yes they are half-siblings... I had completely forgotten until after I had made them mates. And since it wouldn't stop real cats, I didn't change it. Its weird when I think about it, so I just don't think about it!

I Stay Unnamed- Thank you!

ShadowHawk540- Yeah, maybe... or maybe not.

Cindermoon2002- I want skittlez!

Lazy Watermelon- Yes, yes they are ;)

AEIOU- Well, hope this provides a nice break from your project!

Dawn- Thanks!

Chapter 20

Do you know that feeling? The feeling that you can't be in reality? That you are just living a nightmare and you keep waiting to wake up, but it doesn't happen, and the nightmare goes on and on.

Shadowfern could feel the ground shaking beneath her paws, but no other cat was shaking. She could hear the wind roaring in her ears, but the trees weren't shivering. The light somehow seemed strange, as if it was fake, and the sensation of touch seemed strangely lumpy and distant.

She hadn't been in shock before, not even when she watched her mother die in front of her. She had been scared, horrified, distressed, but not in shock.

She was now, just waiting for something to happen as she watched her life fall and shatter, each individual piece of that crystal image showed at a different angle and light then she had thought she'd remembered it.

Let me tell you what happened.

…

"No, you twist like this when you land," Shadowfern explained, showing Tigerpaw the badger defense again. She had caught onto it fairly quickly and didn't understand why it was considered an advanced move. That is, she hadn't, until now.

"I can't do it!" Tigerpaw wailed, flopping down on his stomach and burying his face in his paws.

Shadowfern sighed, this was the first time Tigerpaw had ever given up. But now that she'd showed him, she was determined that he would get it. He had been an apprentice for more than two moons already; he was strong enough, right?

"Why don't we do battle moves, there's going to be a battle soon, right?" Tigerpaw suggested, lifting his face from his paws.

Shadowfern shook her head warily, "Learning to fend off a badger is very important," she mewed in a tight voice. She felt uneasy at the mention of conflict with ShadowClan, things had become steadily tenser, though Stormstar had agreed with Crystalheart and wouldn't attack until ShadowClan made the first move.

But, it also made her writher in excitement, tonight was the half-moon, she would be seeing Cloudpatch again tonight! She could hardly help but purr at the thought. She missed him more and more, she wondered how much he had missed her this past moon or so.

"But I just can't do it!" Tigerpaw's exhausted wail snapped her out of her happy thoughts and she scowled, annoyed at being interrupted.

"Yes, you can! But not if you tell yourself you can't, you will learn it and I won't teach you anything else until you do!" Shadowfern growled, looming over her apprentice. Tigerpaw flinched away in surprised fear.

"O-okay," he trembled slightly.

Shadowfern regretted her tone, but she wasn't about to apologize. The sun was uncomfortably hot and she was hungry and tired, she just wasn't in a good mood. "Do it again," Shadowfern ordered in a slightly smoother tone.

Tigerpaw nodded and tried again. Shadowfern could tell he was having the most trouble on leaping high enough from standing on two legs. He had always had trouble jumping high, and now he had lost two legs to boost him forward.

But Shadowfern felt too tired to think of an exercise to help him, he would get it eventually. But other than the jump, he did manage to twist and bite almost in perfect time. "Remember, your biggest strength over a badger is your speed, use it!" Shadowfern called as Tigerpaw's paws slipped away from his and he fell on the sand.

Tigerpaw huffed and got up, eyes angry and frustrated. He was ready to quit. Shadowfern glanced up at the sun and sighed. "Okay, let's go back to camp," she admitted defeat, the sun was disappearing and the light was fading fast.

Tigerpaw nodded curtly and raced away ahead of her without another word. Shadowfern trailed after him, taking a moment to check her breathing to make sure it wasn't rough from the work that afternoon. It was mostly clear, just a little bit of a rasp, probably just as much from not having anything to drink as from her injuries.

Softberry had decided that she would always have some breathing trouble, though nothing serious as long as Shadowfern took the proper precautions. Breathing exercises morning and night, massaging the chest, staying hydrated and fed, just keeping things clear and healthy mostly.

Shadowfern resented the thought of taking special care of herself, but it was simple enough as long as she didn't have to do Dawn or Dusk patrol. She glanced up at the sky that was turning a deeper purple with a few stars blooming in the sky.

The rustle of wind through the trees flowed through her mind and she spied a dark swopping bird in the sky, an owl getting an early start on hunting. She yawned and shook her head tiredly, plodding the way to the top of the ravine.

She paused and looked over the forest, feeling the wind rush over her and she closed her eyes against the last ray of light as the forest was plunged into gray shadows. She slowly took the way down the ravine, huffing every time she landed, even though it hardly hurt her paws.

Upon entering camp, she felt her fur prickle in unease. Something must have happened for every cat was buzzing around even though it was late for so many cats to be awake. She glanced around and then skirted around to meet Heathersky. The queen had recently moved into the nursery and sat with green eyes too wide for her fragile frame.

"What happened?" Shadowfern asked, watching cats jump from one group to the next, exchanging words and opinions.

"ShadowClan said that they would be at the border tomorrow to either hear our apology or beat it out of us," Heathersky growled angrily, red paws ripping at the sparse grass.

Shadowfern flattened her ears in indignation, but she still didn't want to fight. Why was ShadowClan doing this? They must be either terribly arrogant or ignorant. Shadowfern growled and shook her head; she had never guessed that Marshstar, her half-brother, would take their Clans to war over something so petty.

I wonder what happened… Is he being forced to do this? Did some cat find out his secret? Or are they threatening him? She found that unlikely, Marshstar had been accepted by StarClan, not many cats would turn against him now so no cat in his own Clan could hold so much power over him.

Shadowfern frowned; it just didn't make any sense. "Well, what are we going to do?" she spoke at last.

Heathersky sighed and shook her head, "Every cat wants to fight and Stormstar is talking to Crystalheart and the senior warriors right now. I say we fight," Heathersky added in a growl, giving her a sharp glance.

Shadowfern met the look steadily, "But ShadowClan has the advantage. They could have been training extra hard since the gathering. We haven't. They've had a while to plan this, we'd have to rely on our minute ready skills," Shadowfern sighed and shook her head, a battle set up by the enemy was risky.

"True, but ThunderClan can take whatever those swamp-cats can give!" Heathersky boasted patriotically.

Shadowfern didn't bother to point out the irrationality of her statement. It was warming to see some cat so confident. The thought made Shadowfern feel old and she scowled at herself.

"Well, here comes Stormstar, I suppose we'll find out now," Shadowfern sighed, resigning herself.

"What do you think we'll do?" Heathersky asked, shifting her rounding belly.

"I think that we'll end up fighting. Not that I'm either totally for or against that option…" Shadowfern trailed off.

"Why do you not want to fight?" Heathersky asked, rather suspiciously.

Shadowfern shrugged casually, feeling her heart beat a little faster in fear though. "All battles are dangerous. Don't you remember what happened last time?" Shadowfern asked.

Heathersky sighed and nodded, "I know, but you also know that not every battle has death in it. Those fish-brains were just spiteful, that's why they went a little too far."

Shadowfern winced as she recalled that her killing Wildflame had been the reason for that hate. But I didn't mean to do it… It was just an accident. Was Goldenmist's death just an accident? Thinking that Goldenmist's death was just a mistake didn't make it easier; they still had to live with it. It made it easier for her to see RiverClan's point of view though.

"Well, let's just see what happens," Shadowfern sighed, resigning herself to whatever her leader laid out for her.

Heathersky nodded and they both turned their attention to Stormstar who had leapt on top of Highrock, her mottled gray fur glowing in the silver moonlight of the half-moon. "ThunderClan, we have done nothing wrong, and if ShadowClan is going to accuse us of wrongdoings, then it is our responsibility to put them in their place. Tomorrow, we will fight!"

Cheers and yowls of support erupted from the cats. Heathersky was on her paws, offering her support in a cheer. But Shadowfern stayed sitting in the shadow, face down, almost invisible to the other cats in the clearing.

That's it; I'm going to fight in a battle I don't want to fight in. Because that's what being a warrior means. Because I'm just an on-looker, and I am indifferent to the real battles in the Clan. This victory of Rockclash means nothing to me.

…

The Clan was up late that night, talking about the impending battle tomorrow. Shadowfern sat in the shadows, not joining in on the meaningless gossip, impatiently waiting for cats to head toward the den so that no cat was as likely to see her leaving.

Finally deciding it was close enough, with just a pawful of cats left in the clearing; she got up and headed toward the entrance. "I need to take a walk and think," she mewed a quick explanation to the guard, Rosering. The former queen was a very believing cat and nodded.

"Do you want some cat to go with you? Maybe Flameclaw?" Rosering suggested with a small purr.

Shadowfern rolled her eyes, could you be any more obvious? "Our relationship isn't like that, and I would prefer to be alone," she mewed with an ire edge.

"Oh, okay, well, don't be out long," Rosering warned as Shadowfern walked past. Shadowfern heard but didn't acknowledge, she had not intent on returning until morning.

Leaping up the ravine, she paused on the windy peak and felt a stirring feeling as the wind rushed around her. She could hear the sound of leaves rustling wildly and the tree branches clashing together. The wind had obviously picked up and it gave Shadowfern a wild, daring feeling.

Smirking to herself and trying not to mentally watch herself, she dashed down into the forest. The wind around her, the ground flashing beneath her, there were faint flashes of lighting in the sky in the distance. The storm would miss them, but the faint rumble of thunder still reached her and sat in the pit of her belly, giving her amazing energy.

She loved it, was completely blissful just running around the forest. She raced the dancing shadows that surrounded her, passing them and then taking on the next shadow. She hadn't done it in so long that she felt like an apprentice again, not caring, not being careful, and just enjoying the thrill of the race against nothing but her imagination.

She was giddy with happiness as she leaped over the stream with plenty of room to spare and shot up the slope, no more than a dark streak. She skidded to a halt, sitting down on her haunches and purposefully letting herself roll into a pile of soft ferns.

She closed her eyes and laughed to herself, her mind was a whirl of wind and exhilaration and her paws burned from running so long and fast, but she loved the long-lost feeling. The wind continued whistling around her, a few clumps of clouds rolling over the moon and shunning her in light and dark.

She felt like everything was right in the world. A stark contrast compared to the previous moons. She paused and brought herself to her senses long enough to check her condition. Amazingly, her chest was clearer then it was after a training session.

Hmm…maybe all the air I was breathing helped? She didn't care, she was fine and she would certainly do it again. Thinking carefully while she waited for Cloudpatch, she wondered if her emotions had more to do with her condition then her physical exercise.

It made some sense, her condition had been awful while she was stressing over Aspenclaw and Rivertail, and she had collapsed after getting mad at Flameclaw. But as her breathing slowed, it started getting raspy and she had to massage her own chest, a very difficult thing to do.

Okay, so it's a weird condition that I don't understand. Whatever, I just have to live with it, she thought with a shrug as she finished clearing her lungs. She sat up and looked around, getting a fresh whiff of ShadowClan, or more specifically, Cloudpatch.

She purred as he erupted out of the bushes and tackled her. She let him pin her on her back, wanting to look up at his eyes as he held her shoulders down. She met the glistening blue eyes set in joyous face. He leaned down and gently gave her a lick and she returned it with the same gentle consideration.

"I've missed you so, so much," Cloudpatch sighed and Shadowfern felt all her joy from the race resurface in the form of love. She loved him too and she hadn't realized until now how much she had missed him.

She had missed all of him, his touch, his scent, the sound of his voice, the vibration of his purr, the rhythm of his breathing. It was like he was a part of her and she didn't feel right without him. Shadowfern wrapped her legs around the back of his neck, gently holding herself against him as he stood over her.

"I love you," she whispered in his ear with a soft, loving purr and she closed her eyes in bliss as he nuzzled her neck. This was good, this was right, she loved him, and he loved her. Sure, they had done things they shouldn't have, but for this as an end, it was all worth it, a thousand times over.

Cloudpatch purred so loudly he was shaking. Shadowfern closed her eyes and purred against him, thinking back to a night…

"Why won't you say that you love me?" Cloudpatch's eyes were earnest and sad.

Shadowfern hesitated, "Because I don't believe in saying something that I don't mean."

"Then why do you meet me if you don't love me?" Cloudpatch looked miserably confused as he sat on his tail.

"Because I want to find out if I do love you or not. When I say that I love you, it'll mean that I'm ready to be your mate and I'm ready to give myself to you, as long as you still love me," Shadowfern purred gently, watching the stars in the dark blue sky.

Cloudpatch purred now just like he had done that night at her words. "I love you, Shadowfern. I want to be with you forever, I'd even join ThunderClan if you asked!" Cloudpatch offered and Shadowfern laughed gently, pulling him on the ground besides her.

"Let's wait until there's a big reason for that," Shadowfern purred slyly.

Cloudpatch's eyes widened slightly and he looked at her seriously. "Are you sure you want to do that? I said I would never do it again unless you wanted me to it," he mewed steadily. Shadowfern looked at him softly, knowing he had kept his word stubbornly straight.

But Shadowfern purred now, she was ready. "We're mates now, right?"

"Right," Cloudpatch whispered with a purr. "I love you, and I'll never leave you. Never go away, I'll do everything you ask of me and I'll never hurt you. I promise," he whispered licking her ear and Shadowfern licked him back until they were embracing each other in a lovingly gentle way.

And so they did what mates do. To Shadowfern, the experience was so much sweeter this time. It was just as amazing as last time, but without the wild edge. This time it was all love and she knew they were giving themselves to each other, as mates are supposed to do. Not holding back, not taking, but giving.

….

"The cats who will participate in the battle are; Gorseclaw, Silverwing, Breezeice, Hawktail, Eaglefeather, Rivertail, Sunstrike, Shrewtail, Gingercloud, Snowshade, Flameclaw, Patchear, Rockclash, Nightmist, and Dewpaw," Crystalheart announced.

Shadowfern flattened her ears, unsure whether to be relived or disappointed. But her head was still swimming with memories from her night with Cloudpatch. Now, nothing will ever break us apart. Not wars or rivalry. She hardly felt a glimmer of concern for Flameclaw.

"There will also be a relief patrol led by Redsky nearby, in case we are overrun," Crystalheart continued, announcing the battle plans while Stormstar looked on approvingly.

Shadowfern nodded her head slowly, smart move; the cats need some reassurance after how the last battle ended. "Whitestripe, you will come with us to attend to the injured on the spot," Stormstar mewed, stepping forward as the warriors settled to talking about the coming battle.

Shadowfern glanced at her brother who sat a tail-length away from her. Anxiousness to be going to fight clawed at her, and besides her, she could feel Tigerpaw trembling with anger that he was staying home again while his sister got to fight.

Shadowfern felt sorry for him and decided to inquire why her apprentice didn't get to fight. She padded over to Stormstar who was still talking with Whitestripe and Softberry.

"Stormstar, why doesn't my apprentice get to fight?" she asked, signaling with her tail for Tigerpaw to come up beside her.

Stormstar glanced at her, dark green eyes surprised. "Well, because you won't be going, you won't be able to look out for him," the leader explained.

"But any one of his Clan-mates should be able to watch out for him. And he's a good fighter, he's ready for this," she insisted.

"But no cat will be looking out for him in particular, you would. I'm sorry, but he just has to wait until next time," Stormstar mewed stubbornly.

Shadowfern growled under her breath, but she knew Stormstar wouldn't budge now. "Well, is there something else he can do? Just for the experience of it? Maybe help Whitestripe with caring for the wounded?" Shadowfern suggested, she wanted Tigerpaw to get some taste of battle. He was almost already half-way done with his apprenticeship.

Stormstar seemed to consider for a moment. "Alright… but both of you will go then. Whitestripe doesn't need to keep a panicked apprentice in line during the battle. Tigerpaw can help treat the wounded, and you, Shadowfern, will keep them safe," Stormstar mewed with finality.

Shadowfern dipped her head in concession, though it would be even more irksome to be going to the battle without even being able to fight. But I've got to do this for Tigerpaw, she told herself, glancing at her now excited apprentice who was asking Whitestripe question after question.

Shadowfern watched them head toward the medicine-cat den and felt a shiver as a chill swept over her, as if a cloud had covered the sun. But the sky was clear and the cats bustled around her lively and excited in the warm green-leaf air. So why did she feel so cold?

….

Shadowfern crouched with her belly pressed against the ground and briars pulling at her fur. Peering through the gold-brown foliage, she spied the two lines of Clan cats facing each other. The numbers were even, or at least very close, and every cat was ready to leap into battle. There had been no hope of a compromise; every cat had come ready to fight.

She could see the two leaders facing each other, each looked angry and stood proudly, Shadowfern was too far away to hear anything, but she could tell even from this distance that they looked pained at facing their littermate. Does Stormstar know? Maybe StarClan told her…

Then there was a yowl and the two lines of cats leapt at each other with shrieks. She could feel Tigerpaw tense beside her and knew he was trembling as he watched his sister get knocked around.

Shadowfern's own eyes were locked on a gray and white shape that had suddenly become visible. So Cloudpatch is here…. She suddenly felt a premonition of disaster and glanced around, making sure no cat had sneaked up on them.

No cat was there and Whitestripe was carefully watching for one of their Clan-mates to be badly injured. Shadowfern couldn't watch the fight and stared at her paws, trying to ignore the shrieks of pain and anger. Every instinct urged her to jump out and fight, but she smothered the feelings and focused on her sleek black paws, the wide-spaced toes, and the tearing gleam of her claws…

"Time to go," Whitestripe huffed and Shadowfern followed his gaze to where Breezeice was helping Patchear limp out of the battle.

Shadowfern sprang forward with her brother, black and white streaks raced to the injured tom's side. Shadowfern took him from Breezeice and the black she-cat nodded and jumped back to knock a ShadowClan she-cat away.

Shadowfern half-carried, half-supported, Patchear back to the mini base while Whitestripe sniffed at the wound. "Not terribly bad, but best if we get it treated now," Whitestripe muttered, helping Patchear lay down.

Shadowfern heard the crunch of paws and whirled around, coming face-to-face with a tom that stank of ShadowClan. She paused long enough to notice his dusty-brown fur before tackling him with a snarl.

Withering around so that he couldn't get a grip on her, she clawed and scratched at him, finally pinning him in a twisted position on the ground with his tail in her teeth and her back claws digging into his cheek.

She kicked him away when he started crying and spat out a mouthful of blood. "Shadowfern!" she heard the yowl, a familiar heart-wrenching yowl. She looked up, she saw white and brown and blood. She blinked.

Rockclash had Cloudpatch pinned right in front of her. Rockclash was snarling and spitting and Cloudpatch was admitting his defeat, struggling to get away. "Please, let me go, I'm done, I'll leave," Cloudpatch begged, his own blood drenching his fur.

Shadowfern couldn't move. Her eyes were wide open, her paws were stone and colder then ice. She watched Rockclash, waiting for him to let the defeated tom get up. But Rockclash gave Cloudpatch a sick look, "You should have thought about that before you attacked me, don't you know who I am? I'll be the next leader, no matter what it takes, and you were threatening my Clan-mates… So there's only one punishment suited for you."

Shadowfern took a step forward, wondering what Rockclash meant. But the brown tom had already lunged down, lunged and dug his fangs deep into the neck, shaking him, shaking Cloudpatch, like a piece of prey.

"Shadowfern!" the words, obviously meant as a screech, were just a whisper that reached her ears over the din of battle. Then everything fell silent to Shadowfern, she saw Rockclash let go of Cloudpatch and his head fall to the ground slowly, as if in water.

She could feel the vibrations of the impact shiver through her, she saw the blood gushing out, staining the fur around Cloudpatch's fallen head, turning the white and mottled gray that she had stared at for so long turn crimson.

She saw his eyes, the crystal sky-blue eyes, turn cloudy and dull, and no glimmer of life or love that she had thirsted for. No… What happened? The question hammered her over and over as Rockclash stepped away and vanished back into battle.

Shadowfern sat down, still staring at Cloudpatch's limp body. Why isn't he getting up? Does he need help? Then a stench hit her, it was cold and filled her with fear. The smell of death.

Then it all hit her, Cloudpatch was dead, gone forever. She had thought that nothing could separate them after last night, but obviously she had been wrong, and she was in shock. She stared at him, "You liar."

...

hmm... sorry the end was a bit rushed, had to get the chapter up and done! Oh, and I'm going on a short vacation for spring break with my family to see the... dun da da dum! the Grand Canyon! So excited!

So, it might be a little longer wait for the next chapter since I'll be gone for the better half of the week...

Please Review!