A/N: Just a quick little note. The first part is in Tommy's point of view, the next is in Violet's. Happy reading!

Chapter 21

April 24th 1912

The hardest part has been trying to let go. I keep telling myself that it's only been a few weeks since the Titanic, but the feeling of lost time weighs heavy on my mind. I can only remember my time before I boarded the ship. Some would count me lucky that I have forgotten my experience, but that makes me feel all the more guilty and frustrated. I don't consider myself lucky at all. Yes, I survived and that's plenty to be thankful for, but how am I expected to move on when I can't even mourn those that died around me. And many of them were from the same place I was.

I wake up in a panic sometimes, like I'm back on the ship, ready to relive it again. I keep having these dreams that seem so real and vivid that they keep my mind occupied for days. Although I can never remember what I'm dreaming about I wake with the sense that it's important to me, and I can't shake the heavy burden off my chest.

My brother has comforted me and assured me that these thoughts will diminish as time goes by. He's been great to me. I'm living with him like we had planned back in Ireland. He even got me a job working with him down at the docks. He does his best to keep me in high spirits. I don't make much of a roommate moping around the way I do, but he's good to me all the same. I know he had anticipated an awkward reunion since I hadn't seen him since I was a younger lad, but the unexpected events that landed me in his lap the way they have have been a lot harder on the both of us.

We talk here and there to each other though neither of us are one for small talk, but we manage it for a laugh or two. He hasn't once mentioned our mother or asked about her. I suppose he feels slightly guilty for not being there when she passed. I can't blame him, so I don't bring it up.

A few times he's tried to get me out with his pals from work to go drinking. Instead of socializing I decide to get nearly piss drunk ever time. Much to my brother's chagrin, but I'd rather keep my thoughts to myself and drink myself into a deep slumber.

Sean has warned me on numerous occasions that one of these days I'm going to get so drunk I'll miss work and get my ass kicked out of a job. I know he means well. But I couldn't care less. This morning was just one of those occasions.

"Get up Tommy boy, you'll make us both late!"

I grunt through my pillow as the hard kick from his boot shakes the springs on my bed, waking me from another dream. I could have sworn I was getting somewhere with this one if only I had stayed a few more moments. Damn him!

"Come on, I'll not be draggin' ye meself." Sean tried again to rouse me from the mattress.

It didn't help that I was annoyed from being taken from a dream that I was sure I could've remembered something that I lashed out more harshly then I intended. "Go fuck yerself!" I yelled to him over my pillow before I sunk deeper into it.

A few seconds passed before Sean answered me and I cold here the hurt in his voice. "Fine, fine, ye don't want any help then ye'll not be gettin' no more from me."

I heard him grab his things and before I could stop him he was out the door.

I turned over on my back viciously, staring hard into the cracked, leaky ceiling. I knew I was in the wrong. I had been a jerk these past few days. It wasn't Sean's fault that everything seemed to be crumbling around though. If I could only remember what happened aboard that blasted ship maybe I could move on. Sean keeps telling me probably nothing happened, I keep thinking that's true, but I still can't shake unknown images and distant memories away from me. I know something happened on that ship and it was going to drive me and my brother mad until I figured it out.

I kept up with the news and trial after Titanic, hoping that it would rouse any sort of thought or memory from me. The only thing I got out of that was that they were still trying to figure out what the real cause of the sinking was. Whether it was the captain, too late of iceberg warnings, White Star line, or all of it combined. Bruce Ismay had been on trial on numerous occasions and by what I read I didn't like the slimy bastard one bit. First he shoves third class down at the bottom of the ship and then he tells them they should have been grateful to travel on the Titanic. Now that most of those people are dead I hope he has a guilty conscience. But probably not, they're all the same any ways.

A thought occurs to me, but one that I can't grasp, it escapes me before I can ponder it further. Its little slices of memory like this that keep haunting me. I get so frustrated when it feels like I can reach out and grab it, until it's too late. They only ever last a few seconds. Frustrated again and tired of over thinking everything I get up to get dressed and make my way to work to apologize to my brother.

Our place is only a few blocks away from the docks where we load and unload cargo from incoming ships, so I quicken my pace hoping I'll make it in time. To my relief I see other workers lined up to punch in. I join them seeing my brother in the front of the line. I don't know if he's seen me, but if he has he's giving the cold shoulder. I suppose I deserve that.

We get to working and I eye my brother every once in awhile to try and get his attention. During one transfer of supplies from the ship we are emptying I catch his eye and he shakes his head and reluctantly smiles. That's how we make up, no words, just a look that says I was in the wrong. And were back to being brothers again.

The day went on as usual. There were more ships coming in to dock then on a normal day, so we were all put to good work only stopping for a lunch break. My brother and I were smoking on the other side of the street with a few other lads when the boss came over. He was a stout older man with a bushy white beard and a belly that hung over his belt. He tried to wear a vest today but he could only get two of the top buttons to close. As far as bosses went this one wasn't too bad, I felt bad that I acted like I didn't give a shit. He was good man, a hard ass, but good to his workers.

We all groaned sure that he was going to make us get back to work. Instead of yelling at us to get back to work he went up to my brother and whispered something. I was sure I was going to be sacked, I knew I had been late one too many times but I was a good worker. I couldn't believe this was happening. It was brief between the two of them until my brother nodded and stomped his cigarette out. He made to leave and follow after the boss.

"What was tha' all about?" I asked after him.

He just shrugged his shoulders and walked across the street. I knew he was keeping something from me. I was sacked for sure. I started pacing up and down the sidewalk. Now that I didn't have job I really wanted one. I'd never make that mistake again. It wasn't ten minutes before Sean came out of the building and waved me over. This is it.

I reluctantly walked over with my hands in my pockets a little ashamed that I broke my brother's trust.

"Come on back te work." He said heading back to the dock.

"Wha'? Im not fired?" I asked panicking.

He laughed at me over his shoulder. "Why would ye think tha'?"

"Well ye were whisperin' with the boss an' I don't think he likes me all tha' much an' I jus' assumed he'd sacked me for good." I explained coming up closer behind my brother.

"Naw, yer golden in his eyes." He brushed off my worthy without another word.

"Well then wha' was tha' about?" I asked still confused and not very convinced. If he was trying to pacify me until we clocked out to give me the bad news then I was not having it.

"Nothin'. Just a problem with a shipment."He shrugged it off.

I took that explanation to be true but couldn't help myself the rest of the shift. It wasn't until we clocked out and the boss said he'd see US tomorrow that I could breathe a sigh of relief. My brother clapped me on the shoulder laughing at my nerves.

"See, ye should try and make it on time more often so ye don't get so nervous with times like this." He laughed at me.

"Piss off." I told him, but he knew I didn't mean it harshly.

We walked the rest of the way home in silence. It started to get dark, especially weaving through the tall buildings that cut off the last of the sunlight and warmth of the remaining day. Even after our fight this morning and our teasing throughout the day I couldn't help but feel like there was something more bothering Sean. Neither of us were one for getting in each other's business or expressing how we felt out right, but I wanted to get over the awkwardness of our relationship.

"Sean, ye alright?" I looked over to see him with his head down and him chewing nervously on his thumb.

He feigned a smile towards me and wrapped his arm over my shoulder, "Nothin' ye need to worry yerself about little brother."

For now I would have to accept that as a good enough answer.

It was quite simple really. I found a phone book and looked up Sean Ryan. And there was his name plain as day. Though it didn't give an exact address but a phone number to a boarding house it was at least another step forward. I felt giddy again that I was at least closer to finding out if Tommy was alive or not.

I hadn't used a phone more than once since they were fairly new, but I happened upon a library that had a public one. I had to wait in line after a few people to use it. To my annoyance most of them were just curious about the new device rather than having had to make an actual phone call. I told myself to be patient and revel in the thought that I was getting closer.

Finally I had the phone in my hand and dialed the number.

It rang once, twice, three times, Come on please pick up, four times, five times. I was starting to feel sick with anticipation until I heard a click. I thought I might have been disconnected until I heard a gravelly voice answer, "What?"

"Uh, hello?"

"Yes, you called me!" She sounded older and not very pleasant, but I tried not to let that dim my spirits.

"Yes, um hello again," I heard her sigh in frustration, "Could you tell me how I can reach Sean Ryan?"

"He went off to work hours ago!" She practically yelled through the wire.

"Could you tell me where he…" Before I could finish, she hung up on me. She actually hung up on me! That witch!

I felt emboldened by my task to ring her up again and demand that she answer me. I forcefully ran my fingers through the dial again. I looked across the library to make sure Joe had set himself down with a book. I wanted to make sure that he was out of earshot when I told this woman off.

It rang only once before I heard the click again and an even more annoyed voice from the same lady, well if you could call her that though I have my reservations.

"What do you want?"She hissed.

"Listen to me, I don't know you and you don't know me but I am appalled that you should treat such a stranger without an inch of respect. Now I'm asking where Sean Ryan works and you damn well better answer me or I will come to your establishment and annoy you further in person." I said it in such a rush, fearful that she might hang up on me again that I let out a big breath at the end.

"What are you about?" She asked angrily.

"Are you deaf as well as rude? Tell me where Sean Ryan works or I'll wait for him myself. You don't want me hanging about you all day do you?" I huffed.

A few seconds passed and I held the phone away from me wondering if I was disconnected again.

"He's down at the docks near 47th."

"Was that so hard?" Before she could hang up on me a thanked her in the most gracious way I could muster.

I went to grab Joe and make my way to where she directed me. I hope now that she didn't give me a random direction just to get rid of me, but I trudged forward anyway.

It was after midday when we arrived at the docks. I asked the driver to stay a little out of sight as to not draw attention. I left Joe in the car hoping he would understand that I needed to do this part on my own. I realized this could be the last of my search.

When I walked through he building and into the front office I was met by an old gentleman with a white beard and a vest that was too small for his frame. But he greeted me as any gentleman would which gave me courage.

"How can I help you miss?" Even as he greeted me happily he could not disguise the wonder in his eyes at what I could possibly want.

"I'm looking for Sean Ryan." My throat was so dry that I almost made myself sick. I swallowed back my fear and was rewarded with nothing more than anxiety welling up inside me.

The man eyed me curiously and told me, "He's on his lunch break."

"Can you please tell him I need to speak to him?"

"Who shall I say?"

"Tell him, tell him I am a friend of his brothers."

He left me without so much as another word but gave me a curious gaze that I could not shake off even after he had gone. I knew I was only waiting a few moments but it felt like an eternity to me.

Finally he came back. I thought he was alone at first but before I could question it, a man appeared behind him. He was taller than myself but not taller than Tommy, I noticed. His hair was a shade darker then Tommy's and not nearly as curly. He would have been a spitting image if it had not been for the eyes and brow of who I knew to be Tommy's brother. It took everything I had not to collapse right there on the floor. He looked at me waiting for me to say something. I'm sure he wondered how I could have known his brother.

Everything in the past few weeks led up to this moment. I would either be with Tommy again or not. Now that I was faced with that ultimatum I found I was not ready for it.

Stilling my shaky nerves I said, "Hello."

"Hello?" He said. I could see in his eyes that he was getting impatient.

"I'm sorry but I've been ting to find you. Well, that is I'm trying to find your brother. See I met your brother on the Titanic and we were separated and I've been looking for him ever since, and I don't even know if he's alive or not. It's been so hard not knowing. Please tell me he's alright?" I stepped towards him and he in turn took a step back. It through me off but I waited for him to answer me.

He wouldn't meet my eyes and his prolonged silence did not give me hope.

"Please. Tell me." I begged.

Without looking me in the eyes he told me what I never wanted to hear and now that I did I wanted to crumble in on myself right on the spot.

"I'm sorry. My brother died."

Tears streamed down my face as soon as he said the words. "Tommy Ryan?" Maybe I had gotten the wrong Sean Ryan. But I knew it was true, he looked just like Tommy.

"Aye." He said sadly. I turned away from him letting myself go. I was going to just walk away, for good. I was tired and tired of being tired, but he stopped me.

"Wha's yer name lass?"

"Violet Harker." I mumbled through tears.

"I'm sorry Violet, more than words can say." He truly did look sorry because he still didn't look at me.

"Me too." It was a pathetic reply but I couldn't form whole thoughts let alone a sentence.

I couldn't take it anymore so I fled from him. I would probably regret that I walked away from Tommy's brother but for now I had to get home. I sat in the car next to Joe trying to hide my face but it was useless.

"You didn't find him did you?"Joe asked meekly tears springing to his own eyes.

"No, and I never will." That last statement did it. I completely broke down holding Joe to me. We cried into each other until Joe fell asleep. When I composed myself I found we were on our way home. I was thankful the driver didn't question me and I was glad to be near Hawthorne manor.

It was nearly dark by the time we arrived. I woke Joe to get him into my arms so I could carry him in. Before I left the car I asked the driver, "Please don't mention anything to Mr. Hawthorne." He only nodded and I strangely believed he would keep my secret.

I walked through the doors trying hard not to cry again. It seemed everyone had gone to bed so I climbed the steps with Joe still in my arms. As I laid him down on his bed and pulled the covers over him there was a knock on the open door.

I looked over to see Robert standing there looking at me intently.

"So how did it go?" He asked sincerely.

"It was useless. I didn't find anything to help me." I lied. I felt my cheeks and lips were puffy from crying and I didn't try to hide it. I walked over to Robert not looking him in the eyes.

"I'm sorry Violet. Perhaps tomorrow…"

"No," I interrupted, "I'm done."

He only nodded unsure of how to respond or what to say.

"If your proposal is still given I will accept it."

He looked up to me dumbfounded. "You'll, you'll marry me?"

"Yes Robert, I will marry you."

A/N: I'm sorry. Sorry for the long wait and even more sorry for this chapter. I seemed to have some trouble writing this one because I knew it would be the hardest but now that it is done I'm very excited to write the next ones. Please read and review I'd love to hear your thoughts and worries.