So, yes, it's been a while & I can only apologise for that because I really do have no reason - and there was a much larger gap than I ever anticipated ; so if you are still reading this thank you for bearing with me. I'm rather hoping that'll I'll be back to more frequent updates & never to leave such a gap again. The plot has changed itself at least twice since I did last update - which was over two months ago now.
So, to the people - via PM - who I quite clearly lied to when I told them of my intentions to update - I do apologise, but whatever I said in response that really was my intention at the time.
Thank you to all those who have been reviewing. And to Callie who has seen me through many a strop about this update and ever changing plots; ficmouse & Meggi, for being their lovely selves - this one is certainly for you!
She'd left the toilets only moments after Zoe, however she'd found that the older medic had waited on her at the door to accompany her back to the department, they had walked in complete silence and she had no idea how she was going to start a conversation with the woman without it drifting back to complications she had been experiencing throughout her pregnancy. However as she considered the implications of a conversation with Zoe, her mind reached those places and she suddenly had the overwhelming need to escape from the gaze of the older doctor, even just for a few seconds so that she was able to regain control over the emotions which were threatening to expose her true feelings.
She stopped walking suddenly, raising an arm to wipe away currently non-existent tears yet as she did so she heard the gentle voice of Zoe, as her colleague seemed to walk back towards her having realised she was no longer by her side. "Feeling alright?" She blinked a few times unsure of the answer to Zoe's question, before turning to face the older woman and nodded her head softly.
"Why wouldn't I be?" She heard herself begin, unsure where the words had come from. "I'm fine." She concluded before realising that her words seemed a little less convincing than she would have liked upon noting the look of disbelief on Zoe's face.
She found herself quickly walking away from her colleague and continuing on her original path to the staff room, however within seconds she heard the scurry of Zoe's high heeled shoes hitting of the floor as she rushed to her side once again, speaking all the while. "I know you've got this need to appear fine and in control," she had begun, "but Sam, in all fairness, at the moment no one would blame you for needing a break. You're bound to be feeling a little overwhelmed by everything that's been going on." Zoe stopped suddenly, and with the ceasing of her words, turning once again to face her, and while she had no idea quite how she was going to respond to the truth in the statement which had been put to her.
She turned quickly, looking away from Zoe as she considered what she could possibly say however, in spite of what she was feeling she couldn't bring herself to admit that she would like nothing more than to be cuddled up beside Dylan and have a little nap. "I'm fine," she began quietly, and upon seeing the look of complete disbelief on Zoe's face she found herself continuing softly. "I promise if I need a break, if I don't feel great I will take a break." She paused rather hoping that she wasn't going to have to beg Zoe to let her stay at work, but given that she was reluctant to return to her empty flat and be offered no comfort she was aware that she would probably do just that. She noted that it was with reluctance of her own which Zoe had nodded softly in agreement before placing a hand on her back and leading her gently towards the staff room.
The overwhelming sense of claustrophobia occurred the moment Zoe had opened the staff room door, and as the older doctor stepped into the room moving purposefully towards the work top near the kettle in order to pour herself a coffee, Sam found herself shuffling nervously before stepping into the room herself. The dark terrified her and on occasion she found that she could be fearful of small spaces yet she was uncertain why she was now combining the familiar feelings of panic those situations brought with her current location. She was completely certain that she could feel the eyes of every person in the room on her as she stepped across the carpet coming to a halt by Tom's side slipping herself into the small space between him and the lockers. She felt grateful when he obviously recognised the fear in her and failed to vocalise his thoughts even when she shifted a little closer to his side before glancing up at him, feeling Tom wrap an arm around her back and snuggle her into his side for the briefest of moments before he released her and she smiled up at him in thanks.
It was only when she felt the back of Tom's hand come to rest discreetly on her forehead for a moment, as he raised his eyebrows in question towards her, she was suddenly snapped back to reality and realised that she'd completely zoned out. However try as she might she found herself unable to she could not fully focus her attention on whatever that Nick Jordan was trying to explain, rather animatedly she assumed from the way in which his arms were gesturing wildly around the room. "You're okay with that, Sam?" She found herself drawn quickly into the conversation by mention of her name and returned her attention to her Clinical Lead before nodding instinctively in agreement, unsure of even what she was agreeing to. "Ok, so that's it folks, no need to hang around doing nothing." He concluded quickly and she glanced up at Tom in panic rather hoping that when he nodded he was going to be able to explain to her quite what she had agreed to only moments previously. Upon that action she found herself walking quickly across the room leaving the room before anyone else could move Tom hot on her heels.
She watched as Sam slipped out the door almost as soon as leaving was permitted, before anyone else had and Zoe recognised that Sam had probably realised, much like she had, that most eyes were on her or perhaps she'd recognised that Nick himself was a bit unsure about whether she should have been placed in what was likely to become a rapid busy and chaotic department. However the moment that it was just herself and Nick left in the room, she turned and spoke quietly. "Sam's struggling," she found herself beginning unsure if she should disclose the events of the previous half hour to their boss or even the events of earlier in the shift.
"It must be difficult to deal with alone." Her companion countered immediately, and despite the fact that he was talking to her she could tell that his eyes which were focussed completely on the staff room window and more than likely trying to track down Sam.
"But she doesn't have to, does she?" Zoe found herself countering, feeling a sense of loyalty to Dylan at the thought of him being held responsible for the situation in which saw both him and his wife living in separate homes despite both only wanting the same things. "Do you know about the family," she continued softly, when Nick made no indication of even considering to respond to her remark, in spite of asking she still found herself feeling slightly startled when he nodded his head before looking at her curiously.
"I knew her dad." Nick's response was sudden and harsh, as though he wished to bring the matter to a close and she found herself struggling to form any appropriate words.
"Oh." She murmured softly, finding herself unable to formulate sentences in a coherent fashion, suddenly finding herself understand quite why Nick was so very fond of Sam - even since her first day in the department.
"Through Miriam," her companion stated suddenly and it took her a few moments to even realise what he was talking about. "They were at medical school together." She nodded at his words, still finding herself unsure how a medical school acquaintance of Miriam's came to be someone Nick knew. "She was delighted when Sam decided to go," he continued once again, though the slightly glassy look in his eye seemed to suggest that he was deeply lost in thought about the past. "She'd always absolutely adored Sam, she was the one who assigned Dylan to mentor her - I think she felt it'd do them both some good, really."
"She seemed a little distracted," she said trying to pull Nick back to present day and understand that she was concerned not only about Sam's health but her ability to remain fully focussed on any patients she may treat during this shift. "I think she's having a bad day - she didn't seem to be feeling great earlier." She concluded pointedly and Nick made a non-committal noise before he tilted his head towards the door and swiftly exited the room leaving her stood in the middle of the floor feeling as though she had been the one in the wrong for suggesting that Sam wasn't quite up to working.
He hadn't been sure how to feel about Zoe's words when she'd earlier vocalised her opinion on Sam's current state of mind, until he'd entered CDU himself and seen for himself the curious way in which she staring at what looked lab results as if she wasn't quite taking in the words which she was reading. He approached her slowly, rather hoping that he wouldn't startle her. "He's fine Sam, clear," he supplied after taking his own glance towards the results she was clutching at his words she glanced up and nodded her head softly.
"Okay." She spoke softly, yet even in spite of her quite obviously hearing his words he couldn't help but feel her mind was still elsewhere. As he glanced around the room he noted that Tom seemed to busying himself with patients nearby despite Nick himself being sure that he must have swapped locations with Lenny in order to do so.
He'd just been about to discharge Sam's patient himself when she had wandered back over in their direction, yet she had stopped in alarm when the general hustle and bustle of the main department could be heard as the door were pushed open, allowing Tess and Linda and two other patients with minor injures and awaiting orthopaedic consults access to the ward, causing the man she'd originally been treating to move himself from the bed and raise an arm to try to regain her attention. At the sudden movement Sam had jumped backwards in shock, and as Nick took in the fearful look which was present in her eyes as her arms wrapped around her stomach, he realised that his initial suspicions about Sam's ability to be able to cope with the serve restlessness, possible temper and impatience of the patients who would be admitted. He found himself dismissing the girl with a simple tilt of his head and he watched as Zoe had joined Tess a few beds away and shared a curious look with Tom before both doctors had returned to busying themselves with their previous tasks.
She had taken refuge in the staff room, when Nick Jordan had all about forced her out of the department while Tess, Linda and Zoe, dealt with a particularly rowdy bunch of drunks. This was nothing out of the ordinary and nothing she couldn't deal with. But as her hands fell down against her stomach, resting on her small bump, she grudgingly accepted maybe she'd be safer here for now. Yet as she reflected on the moment when the man sitting on the bed in front had lashed out suddenly in her direction, she realised that she'd felt a sense of fear that she was certain at the beginning of the year would not have been present. Regardless of that she knew that her arms had automatically moved - not in defence of herself - to wrap themselves around her stomach. She was certain that it had been that movement which had diverted Mr Jordan's attention from the patient in question and on to herself and as she met his gaze she could see the mix of concern and anxiety in his eyes and she'd quietly agreed to the short time out in the staff room with limited fuss.
She wasn't quite sure she'd actually seen or even heard Tess leave CDU after her, but when she had followed her into the staff room and began bustling around her practically forcing down into the sofa before boiling the kettle and thrusting a mug of warm tea into her hands before she returned to the kitchen area momentarily before joining her on the sofa and handing her one of two hastily prepared sandwiches. "Feeling sick?" She was trailed from her chain of thought by Tess' pointed words, and she looked up at her in time to see her indicate the plate that she was still holding tightly.
She looked from the food on the plate once again, and couldn't quite bring herself to even pick at the food, and then quickly to Tess. "A little," she began nervously, fearful that she'd already said too much. Tess had smiled at her sympathetically, and taken the plate from her hands and placed it on the table in front of her. "Sorry." She murmured, as she let her hands cover her face, in a small apology for the uneaten food. Tess had waved her off quickly, and moved her hand to rub her arm softly. Tess had departed some ten minutes later, insisting that she should finish her tea and try to eat a little of the sandwich, she even suggested that a nap wouldn't be a bad thing, before she even thought about returning to the department to continue with her shift.
She rubbed her eyes sleepily as she woke up in an uncomfortable position on the staff room sofa, still clutching a cushion to her chest and shifted herself into seated position and in spite of her desire to work whilst she was here she wasn't quite sure that she'd be able to keep her eyes open for long enough to treat any patients. Though sitting quietly was just allowing her exhaustion to fight its way into her thoughts. "Can you hear that?" She had been sitting with her eyes firmly closed, trying to forget that she had the rest of her shift to go back to, when Dylan's voice broke into her thoughts, just as she was deciding that she really did hate weekends in the ED on occasion.
Opening her eyes she looked at her husband in confusion, unable to tell what he could possibly be referring to. "What?"
"Nothing. Silence." She raised an eyebrow at his response, as he sunk into the seat next to her.
"Enjoy the silence, because in a few months that's going to be gone." She looked up in alarm, recognising the voice as Charlie's but having no recollection of him being in the room, when she entered it. She glanced up and noticed him drinking coffee by the sink, he poured the remainder of his mug into the sink before leaving - pulling the door closed behind him.
She allowed her head to fall onto the arm of the chair, as she took in Charlie's words, she assumed that Dylan just across from her was doing the same. She let her eyes flutter closed sleepily once again and was sudden startled by the sound of Dylan's voice travelling from the opposite end of the room, directing his question at her. "Do you know how difficult it is to watch you struggle?"
She wasn't quite sure how to feel about his question, and the only way she found that she could deal with his implication was to firmly deny that it was the case. "I do not struggle." She stated with determination, yet she gathered from the way in which Dylan was raising his eyebrows that he would take much more convincing than anyone else she'd have spoken to in the same tone.
"Sam," he'd began in an exasperated tone which she hadn't heard since long before her arrival at Holby. "Let me help you - how can you possibly want to cook dinner after a busy shift, especially in your condition," he had continued and she wasn't quite sure if he'd meant quite what he had implied however he seemed oblivious and carried on with what he believed would be a good plan for the evening. "Come round for dinner tonight?"
"Dylan," she began softly, desperately trying not to reject his offer outright even in spite of the way that she was feeling about such an idea and she'd much rather curl up on her sofa than eat a meal in tension as Dylan poked and prodded her until she provided him with all the information that he felt he needed in order to ensure that she was doing everything the medical books suggested she should be. "I'm really tired, I want to go to my bed straight after dinner, not have to get home first." She finished softly, feeling like she had successful avoided the meal and also been seen to be putting her child first in the situation. She considered that even Dylan couldn't object to her curling up in bed especially given her long day at work - regardless of whether or not she'd spent more of the shift in the staff room rather than out of it.
"You could stay?" He suggested without pausing for thought and she was stunned into silence rather hoping that she'd be able to come up with a suitable excuse because in spite of the obvious issues that would cause, she wasn't quite sure that she'd survive the night in Dylan and Dervla's company.
"Let's not go there Dylan," she replied timidly, half hoping that he hadn't heard her words because she wasn't quite sure how she would be able to explain that she really didn't think that an impromptu meal with her ex-husband would be appropriate. "We can have dinner soon - after the next scan, maybe?" She queried, hoping to pacify him, and rather hoped that he'd take the gesture as one which allowed him to feel that he was still being included in the life of his unborn child.
"Yes, well, maybe," Dylan had murmured in response, and she'd looked away rather feeling that she was going to be rejected and she wasn't a hundred percent sure that she'd be able to deal with that at the current moment. She only turned back to face the department again when she heard her husband sigh and move swiftly to the door slamming it behind him as he left her alone.
Upon seeing the disgruntled expression on Dylan's face as he left the staff room allowing the door to close with unnecessary force as he did so, he couldn't help but feel concerned about Sam who seemed to remain within the room alone. Tentatively he found himself pushing the door open and as he took in the sight of Sam curled up clutching a cushion seemingly staring into space, doing nothing to prevent rivers of silent tears which were coursing down her cheeks. While he couldn't be certain quite what her tears were in aid of it was almost a certainty that she needed a friend. "Okay Sam?" He's begun softly as he sat down next her, and she turned for the first time, as though just noticing his presence in the room, to look at him.
She shook her head softly and made no attempt to speak, and at the look of complete devastation on her face he found himself compelled to pull her into his arms and try to provide her with some sort of comfort. "Tom," he heard her speak softly and waited while she pushed herself out of his arms and once she was by his side facing him she continued. "Did I make a mistake?" Her question was vague and he felt unable to answer her.
Sam never expanded and he found himself having to break the silence which was steadily becoming uncomfortable. "You understand that I care, don't you? That I'll be always be here if you need someone." He spoke quietly, but as Sam looked up at him he recognised that she did hear his words, whether not she had understood them in the way in which he'd meant them he was unsure.
"I know," he heard her speak softly, before she had quickly clammed up again, and closed her eyes as she allowed her head to fall back on the arm of the sofa.
"Then talk to me Sam," came Tom's rather reluctant response and she shook her head in refusal seeming to not quite have the words to explain what was bothering her.
"What do you want me to say," she glanced up at her companion before beginning to speak, now that she'd found her voice struggling to stop speaking. "That I'm twenty-five weeks pregnant, I've pushed my husband away because he drives me mad and now I don't think that I can do it on my own." She'd barely paused for breath and he found that he was very quickly knelt in front of her, taking one of her hands in his as he looked at her concern he was sure was evident across his face as she pulled herself into sitting position and winced.
"Sam?" He queried softly, hoping she'd realise that it was in reference to whatever issues she was having. He watched as she squealed in a demonstration of pain and she had shaken his hand from hers in around to wrap her arms around her stomach and she stood up quickly swiftly moving to lean against the table; yet again he followed her in time to stood in front of her when the pain caused to scream slightly before she forced her weight against the table the pain now preventing her from standing upright.
"Can you get me Dylan?" Sam eventually managed to choke words out between breathing deeply and blinking back tears and he nodded his head, never once taking his eyes from her. A small incomprehensible mutter let him know of Lenny's presence in the room and a small nod, Lenny's quick retreat and the sound of the door opening but never closing again informed him of Lenny now being the one to inform Dylan; yet the now open door allowed him to view the main department and he caught sight of the one person who he thought may be able to help with the current situation.
"Tess!" The nurse turned quickly from her conversation with Charlie and rushed over, standing at Sam's other side, helping him to support her as they helped her onto a stool behind her.
However when he looked at her she looked vaguely sick; tears were beginning to fall down her cheeks and her voice was choked when she finally spoke "I think I'm bleeding," Tess took her hand in her own and squeezed it gently. "Where's Dylan?" He could recognise the fear in her voice and he did rather hope that Lenny would return with Dylan soon because from what he could tell by the look on Tess' face she was no longer finding the staff room to be the most suitable place for Sam.
"He'll find us, we need to get you into a cubicle, come on." Tess had stated simple and looked up at him in question; a look to which nodding had been his only reaction yet between them they managed to support Sam, even in spite of the fact that she really shouldn't have been walking, as she stood trying to down play the obvious pain she was feeling. "Good girl." Tess had murmured softly when Sam had allowed them to settle her down on the bed, before she'd swiftly wrapped the blankets around herself and curled herself up facing away from them.
Okay, so there you go. Please do tell me what you thought,
Annyx