Redemption-Book 1: Re-Emergence

by evitascarlett

No one told Johanna that picking up the pieces and moving on would be easy…but they never said it would be this hard either. A sequel to Apologize; dealing with the fallout and aftermath of Bracken's arrest as the family tries to heal and move on. Warning: This is a Johanna centric story. Cover art by LordofKavaka

21. Chapter 21

Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews as always!

Chapter 21- Rolling In The Deep-Part 2

"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and bringing me out of the dark" – Adele

As Johanna moved down the laundry detergent aisle, her phone rang. She sighed; a bit put out by the intrusion as she had finally relaxed a little on her trek to that aisle, making it one of her first stops so she wouldn't forget the important items on her list. She took the phone from her purse and saw Jim's name on the screen; for a moment she was tempted to let it go to voicemail…but she couldn't do that. She didn't want to worry him needlessly.

"Hello," she said as she scanned the shelves for her preferred brand.

"What are you doing?" her husband asked sharply.

"I'm looking at laundry detergent. What are you doing? Isn't it a little early for a break?"

"Why didn't you call me?"

"What was I supposed to call you about?" she asked as she pulled a jug of Tide off the shelf and put it in her cart.

"To tell me that you were going out," Jim snapped.

Johanna pushed her cart forward a bit to grab a jug of bleach and to look at the fabric softeners. "What makes you think I'm out?" she asked; wondering if he'd fess up about that secret little app that she had accidentally discovered on his phone.

"Katie called," he said tartly.

"Big mouth," she muttered as she made her selections.

"You know the rules, Johanna," he said sternly. "You made these rules…and you're not sticking to them."

"Yes I am," his wife replied; her cart rolling along. "I said I'd always let someone know where I was going and I did; I called Katie. I kept the doors locked and I have what I need in my purse," she said; not wanting to publicly announce that she was armed. "I also called Katie back when I got here. The rules were followed. I'm fine."

"You're supposed to call me."

"I believe I stipulated that Katie was acceptable person to call as an alternative to you."

"That was if I was away."

"You are away; you're away at work," she quipped.

Jim frowned even though his wife couldn't see him. "You're just being a smart ass…you're trying to spite me."

"No; I'm not. I'm just doing what you told me to do. You said I needed to get out of the house for awhile so I'm out. I needed things from the market; I didn't feel like waiting on you all day."

"Get what you need and get home," he told her. "Call me when you do; I mean it. I don't care if you're mad at me or not; that's no excuse for you not to call me and you know it."

Johanna rolled her eyes. "I'm only taking your advice."

"You're only taking it to be a smartass. Get the groceries and get home."

"Maybe I will and maybe I won't," she retorted. "Maybe I feel like taking my time."

"Johanna," he said tersely. "I'm not playing games with you."

"Neither am I. See you later," she said before ending the call; his voice still heard over the line.

Johanna put her phone back in her purse and breathed deeply; she hadn't wanted to deal with that argument until he found out when she got home…but her daughter just couldn't keep her damn mouth shut. When she wanted her to talk, she'd say nothing. When she wanted her to shut up, she was a motor mouth. Couldn't she have just done this one thing for her? All she wanted her to do was be her contact while she was out. She didn't have to run and tattle like a little brat on the playground. Irritation flickered in her veins and she took the phone back out of her purse just as Jim rang it again.

"What now?" she asked as she answered. "Do you have a request to add to my list?"

"Yeah," Jim answered. "See if you can pick up a new attitude, because this one leaves a lot to be desired."

"I don't know what aisle the attitudes are kept in but I'll keep a look out. Maybe I'll get one for you too. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to continue my shopping…I can text my list to Katie, I'm sure she'd forward it to you since she's playing messenger today."

"Leave Katie out of it," her husband said tartly. "You're the one who broke the rules."

"I didn't break anything," she snapped angrily. "I did what I promised; I just didn't realize that my daughter would have such a problem with it and that she'd have to go running to Daddy to tell on me. Now I'm done with this conversation; don't call me back, I'm not answering. I'll be fine; I can take care of myself; I don't need anyone doing it for me. Go do your work and leave me alone."

"Hell would have to freeze over before I leave you alone, Johanna."

"Whatever," she replied before ending the call and steering her cart into the next aisle where she paused to dial her daughter's number.

Johanna listened to Kate's line ring, aggravation spreading through her veins as she began to move down the cleaning supply aisle.

"Is this the you're heading home call or the you changed aisles in the market call?" Kate asked when she answered.

She bristled at the comment and didn't bother to censor her words. "No; this is the, you have a big mouth, smartass, call."

"Oh wow, you're in a mood," her daughter replied. "What's your problem now?"

"I think you probably know the role you've played in it," Johanna remarked as she grabbed a can of furniture polish from the shelf.

Kate sighed and Johanna could imagine her rolling her eyes and it only angered her more. "Don't act like you're the one being put out by something," she told her daughter.

"Okay; you're mad because I called Dad and told him about your field trip to the market."

"Give you a gold star for figuring it out on the first try."

"Well I am a detective," Kate reminded her.

"Yeah; I know what you are," Johanna retorted.

"I don't think I like what your tone implies," her daughter stated.

"What do you think it implies, Miss Detective?"

"I'm not exactly sure but it can't be good."

"So much for your detective skills if you can't give a more concrete answer than that," Johanna said; "And just so you know; the sentiment wasn't good as you surmised."

"I guess my skills aren't all that bad then, are they?"

"You tell me," Johanna replied. "Tell me what you think I think you are at this moment and then we'll decide how good you are."

Kate was quiet for a moment. "I'm going to go with snitch."

"I was thinking more along the lines of pain in the ass; looks like you lose," her mother told her.

"Oh good; we've moved up to brutally honest; that's always an enjoyable side of you."

"Well Katie; I love you but sometimes you are a pain in the ass."

"You know, that same sentiment can apply to mothers as well…you're not exactly bringing sunshine into my life at the moment either."

"I'm not here to be your sunshine," Johanna told her. "I'm here to tell you how it is."

"Oh God; here we go…make it fast."

"I'll take as long as I damn well please. You had no business going behind my back and calling your father and telling him what I'm doing so he can call me up and bitch at me."

"I think he has every right to know where you are and what you're doing," Kate told her; "And if he bitched at you it's because you didn't call him like you're supposed to."

"I'm supposed to call him or you; I chose you; and did you ever stop and think for a minute that maybe I chose you for a reason? Do you ever stop and think I have a reason for anything, Katie? You act like you're my mother more than my daughter; well you're not my mother and if I want my husband to know something; I'll tell him myself. You had no right to call him."

"You're making a big deal out of nothing," Kate told her. "I called and told him because I can't always be your babysitter via phone and I can't be at your beck and call all the time. You're supposed to be his problem now; not mine. My job is over. You're only out on your own because you're pissed off about something and you're going to end up being careless and get caught in another situation with the media that you're not prepared for and won't be able to handle. Do you ever think maybe we have reasons for wanting you to stay put or to think rationally? You've always been this way, Mom; you get pissed and go do what you please not caring about what might come of it. Like right now; you're in the market having this conversation that anyone can hear; is that wise? Is that the right place to do it?"

"I'm your mother; if I want to take you to task for something I'll do it, and I don't care if we're standing in the middle of Times Square; in the market, in the center of Macy's or kneeling at St. Patrick's. All I asked was for you to answer a few calls that would've taken you two seconds; I even told you that you could delegate the task to your boyfriend; I'm sure he could spare two seconds while you file a report; but don't worry, I won't ask you again."

"Mother…"

"Now that we've settled that; I'm going to hang up. Hurry up and call Daddy and report everything, Princess; tell him Mommy is being mean to you," Johanna said; sarcasm dripping from her voice.

"You know for that remark alone; I just might."

"Go for it, baby girl; I don't care."

"Alright, Mother; call me when you're leaving."

"No; I won't. I'm a big girl, I'll be fine."

"Mother," Kate said tersely. "If you don't want to call when you leave; then at least call and let me know you got home safely."

"No; I wouldn't want to disturb you. I'm sure I'll get there just fine; but if I don't; just go on with your life and be happy."

"Don't say things like that; what the hell is wrong with you?" her daughter said in a sharp tone.

"You don't have time for what's wrong with me," Johanna told her. "Get back to work; I'm sure your break is over or whatever it is that you're doing that's suddenly allowing you time for phone calls."

Her daughter's voice was still sounding across the line as she ended the call and dropped the phone into her purse. She blew out a breath and pushed her cart forward to the next aisle; she was in no mood to walk on eggshells with anyone…and it might be her own fault in some ways, she could admit to herself; but she couldn't help but think that everyone always rushed to get mad at her without being understanding…so why the hell did she always have to be so obliging?

---

As Johanna moved slowly through the market; taking her time, making her selections carefully just so she could stay out longer; her phone would ring every few minutes. Each time she saw Kate's name on the screen she put the phone back in her purse and continued on her way and for maybe the first time, it didn't occur to her to feel guilty for ignoring her daughter. Why should she? Her daughter never seemed to feel guilty for ignoring her after all.

She moved down the book and magazine aisle; her fingers itching to stock up on as any of each as she could, when she recognized a familiar figure in the aisle flipping through the latest issue of Redbook. Johanna hesitated for a moment, unsure if she wanted to approach her former best friend, but Sharon looked up and met her eye as if she had known she was looking at her in that split second.

"Seems like I can't go anywhere lately without running into someone," Sharon declared as she tossed the magazine in her cart.

"I'm sorry," Johanna said; "Are you usually here on Tuesdays? If so I'll try to come on Wednesdays."

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm not going to tell people when they can come to the market…it's kind of like you're here all the time anyway; your face ends up on enough newspapers and tabloids."

"Do you think I enjoy that? That it's something I aspired to? Because I can assure you that I hate it with every fiber of my being."

"No; I didn't figure that you'd enjoy it," Sharon answered as Johanna moved to her side so that she could peruse the magazines as well.

"Good; because I don't."

"Where's Jim? Shouldn't he be here with you?"

"He's at work and I'm a big girl who can go to the market all by herself."

"You probably shouldn't though…you have a lot of enemies."

The well of anger that had been torn open sent a small spark of temper shooting through her. "Are you one of them, Sharon?"

Her old friend eyed her. "Why would you ask something like that?"

She shrugged. "I thought maybe you had some personal reason to make the statement."

"I'm not your enemy."

Johanna nodded as she held her gaze. "You don't seem to be my friend either."

Sharon gave a short laugh. "Well can you blame me?" she asked. "How am I supposed to feel? I mourned you; and then you just waltz back into town and turn everyone's life upside down and expect to be welcomed with open arms. That's not how it works, Johanna. I can't just forgive and forget that easily…no one can…and based on the way Jim was acting last night at that card game; I have a feeling your little honeymoon is over."

Her heart skipped a beat at the thought, but she rallied herself and forced away a more emotional reaction to the comment. "The state of my marriage isn't as dire as you want to make it seem. We had a disagreement…just like we've always had; it doesn't mean anything is over."

"Who are you trying to convince; me or you? Because he didn't seem too happy and he was the last one to leave…like he didn't really want to go home."

"What are you getting at, Sharon? Are you rooting for my marriage to fail?"

"I think your marriage was over the day you walked out the door and didn't come back for thirteen years," Sharon said tartly.

"My marriage has never been over," Johanna hissed; "And you act like I left on some whim; like it was something I wanted; and if that's what you believe; then I don't think you ever knew me at all and were never really my friend; because the people who know me the best should know that I would've never done that unless I felt like I absolutely had to. I'm sorry I didn't just let them do me in in that alley like was planned, Sharon; I know it would've been more noble to my friends and family but I just wasn't done living and I wasn't ready to be parted from my family to that extreme…because you don't get the chance to come back from that one. You don't know what my life was like for those years so don't you stand there and judge me until you've had to walk in my shoes. I might have to have every person in the world looking down their nose at me and have to take it…but I won't take it from you; because you're no saint either. I know your secrets just as much as you know mine. I left to keep my family safe; I didn't tell you what was going on because I didn't want anyone coming after you and making you pay the price for knowing. It was bad enough I had to rob my husband and daughter of my presence; I wasn't going to rob Molly of her mother and Phil of his wife. So you go ahead and stand there and act holier than thou, Sharon. You hate me all you want if it makes you feel better. I'm sorry I hurt you; I'm sorry you had to be lied to…but to keep Jim and Katie safe; I'd lie to the pope if I had to; so don't go acting like it was a personal affront to you."

Sharon held her gaze; taking note of the layer of tears in her green eyes despite the fire snapping in their depths. "You're bitter," she said softly.

"You're damn right I'm bitter; I'm bitter and I'm angry and I'm annoyed, frustrated, aggravated, and fifty thousand other things that you can't even begin to fathom. If you don't want anything to do with, that's fine. I wish you well and you don't have to worry about me walking up to you in a public place. You can just be another face in the crowd, Sharon. It's up to you; I'm not going to beg you if that's what you're waiting on."

"No; I know you'd never beg…you always save your begging for Jim."

"That's what you think," Johanna snapped as she began plucking magazines from their slots and tossing them in her cart.

"What's wrong, Jo?" Sharon asked; old habits taking over despite her trying to resist them.

"Nothing more than usual."

"Meaning what?"

"Nothing," she murmured; wishing she could confide in a friend…but in her heart she knew Sharon couldn't be that person; at least not right now.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

She shook her head. "No; I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"Because it isn't anything you'd want to hear…and I'm not in the mood for one of your usual lectures about how I live my life wrong and you do it so right."

Sharon took the retort in stride. "I never lectured you like that."

"Yeah you did; it was part of your charm; we could be bitches to each other and get away with it…but I already have plenty of people lecturing me and telling me how wrong I am in everything I do. I know it chapter, song and verse; so you'll have to forgive me for not pressing replay…or don't forgive me, I don't care."

"If you didn't care you wouldn't still be standing here."

"I'm waiting for you to move so I can get to the books," Johanna replied. "I like to keep my collection stocked."

Sharon smirked at her; a part of her knowing that her old friend was just lashing back because she was hurt about so many things; but still it chaffed…because she was still hurt and angry with her too. "Pardon me for standing in your way of the latest Mary Higgins Clark novel," she said as she took a step back and cleared the way for Johanna to move to the side of the magazine rack where the books began.

"You were also standing in the way of the latest Janet Evanovich novel and that's an unpardonable sin in my world," Johanna told her as she snatched up the hardback books of both authors.

"Please forgive me for daring to interfere with your reading needs," Sharon said sarcastically. "I didn't realize books were dire needs of yours despite your enjoyment of reading."

"They keep me company," Johanna retorted.

Sharon gave a nod. "I guess that's understandable; from what I hear your social calendar isn't brimming with invitations."

Johanna smiled. "Thank you for the reminder that I have nothing better to do today than stand in a market and be judged by my former best friend. I shouldn't care; I don't want to care; because it never gets me anywhere; but you know, I always had that terrible habit of loving people who don't give a damn about me. I admit that it made me sad to add you to the list but I understand."

"So I'm your former friend?" Sharon asked.

"Well you don't seem to be a current one; now are you?"

"I said I'd call, Jo."

"Yeah; you've called so much that I've had to turn the phone off just to get a break from the ringing," Johanna replied.

Sharon glanced at the floor for a moment and then looked back at the person who she had known since she was seventeen. "I know I haven't called yet; but I will…I promise…I just need a little more time."

Johanna nodded; not believing a word she said. "Then I guess I should give you my number because it's changed since Katie gave it to you."

"Jim already gave it to me," Sharon said without thought.

"When?" Johanna asked; suspicion flickering in her eyes.

"At the card game last night," she lied; not wanting to cause more problems for Jim by letting it be known that he was out trying to line up play dates for his wife. "He told me that when you switched your phone over to his plan that the number changed and that he thought I'd want it for when I was ready to call."

"I'm surprised he'd do that when you say it was clear that he didn't want to come home," Johanna said; her suspicions still heightened.

"Maybe he thought I'd call and talk you out of your bad mood."

She eyed her. "You're a bad liar, Sharon."

The other woman smirked at her. "Well I guess we can't all be as good at it as you are, Johanna. I'd say you're right up there at the head of the class when it comes to telling lies."

The remark landed like a blow to her gut and she found herself curling her hand around the handle of her cart as her phone rang again in her purse. She ignored it absentmindedly this time; her mind only focused on the newest bruise spreading across her heart. It was time to cut her losses; time to make the break, get what she needed and head to another part of the market. "You don't have to call, Sharon," she said softly. "A lot of people don't and I'm learning to be okay with that. We don't owe each other anything anymore; teenage loyalty is so far in the past it was like another lifetime ago. I'm not going to beg you and I'm not going to bother you. If you want to talk one day; feel free to call; if not; that's fine too," she said before selecting a few paperbacks and dropping them into her cart as Sharon watched.

She began to push the cart up the aisle when Sharon's voice called out to her. "I'll call so we can go to lunch while the men are out of town on their hunting trip; okay?"

"Yeah; sure," she replied without bothering to look back. "If I don't answer; leave a message…I won't be sitting by the phone."

---

After she had finished her shopping, Johanna pushed her cart through the parking lot with less trepidation than she had when she had arrived…of course she'd had less anger driving her at that point too, she mused. At that point Kate hadn't yet irritated her and Jim hadn't made his phone calls and she hadn't run into Sharon. It seemed like it was going to be one of those days. She had once heard these type of days described as 'a full rich day' on an episode of M*A*S*H and she suddenly had an urge to watch a few reruns of the show. Maybe she'd do that when she got home, before Temptation Lane came on, she thought to herself as she stopped at the back of her car and unlocked the trunk.

Johanna dropped her keys into her purse and made sure her bag was secured on her shoulder before reaching for the first bag in the cart.

"Mrs. Beckett," a male voice said from behind her.

Johanna tensed as she sat the grocery bag down in the trunk. She didn't know the voice; it didn't bring back any memories of a past acquaintance. Her stomach dropped as footsteps approached and she reached for her phone as it rang in her bag. She saw her daughter's name on the screen but didn't answer; instead swiping her finger across the option to decline with a text.

"Mrs. Beckett," the voice said again, closer now than it had been before.

She turned and looked at the two men who had approached her; one carrying a small video camera; the other holding a smartphone that she was sure had it's recording function turned on. She gripped the strap of her purse and quickly typed in 'Aiuto', the Italian word for help in the message box that had opened just in case she needed to hit send; hoping that her daughter's grasp on basic Italian words wasn't rusty as the man with the camera eyed her phone; clearly trying to read what she was typing.

"No need to be afraid, Mrs. Beckett," the man said. "We mean no harm."

"Who are you?" she asked; her tone only wavering slightly as she clutched her phone.

The man stuck his hand out toward her but she didn't accept it. "Emilio Lopez; I'm from Manhattan Weekly…and a few other publications as well," he said with a smile and then pointing toward the man with the camera, he added, "And this is George Hendrickson."

Reporters, Johanna said to herself; just what she feared…or rather, one of the things she feared. "What do you want?" she asked, a little more sternness finding it's way into her voice.

"I just wanted to ask you a few questions."

"How did you find me?" she asked; deflecting the idea of her being the one answering questions.

"Anonymous tip, ma'am," he answered.

She frowned; not only at the idea of an anonymous tip but also at being called ma'am; she hated that. "Who was this tip?" she asked; knowing it had to be a patron of the market…and the thought flicked through her mind that Sharon had been in the market…but for all she knew, there could've been someone else inside that knew her and saw an opportunity for a quick buck…because she wasn't buying that jovial Emilio didn't know who his source was.

"Now, Mrs. Beckett, surely you know that we can't reveal sources even if we do know who they are," Emilio told her.

"Of course not; tips are to be protected at all costs; after all, if they dry up you can't stalk your prey," she retorted; a little more bravado growing within her.

"We're not stalking you, ma'am."

Her brow rose behind her sunglasses as she reached into the buggy to grab another bag while keeping an eye on them. "Oh no? What do you call it when all of you suddenly appear everywhere I go? I didn't send out an alert stating that I was doing my grocery shopping today. These little surprise visits are considered invasion of privacy to me."

Emilio shook his head. "It's not like that at all, Mrs. Beckett. We're just doing our job."

She scoffed. "You'll have to forgive me for not being a fan of your work, Mr. Lopez. It's nothing personal; I just don't care for vulture like media."

"We're not being vultures, ma'am," he said as he reached into her cart and lifted out a bag for her. "We just wanted to talk a little."

"Uh huh," she said as she accepted the bag; knowing that he was trying to butter her up by looking helpful.

"What did you think of the statement your daughter made last Friday?" Emilio asked as he lifted another bag from her cart and held it out to her.

"I thought it showcased what a smart, compassionate woman she is and I hope that now that you've heard from her that you'll leave her alone," Johanna answered. "You need to leave her alone regardless of what she says."

"Rumor has it that she's in a relationship with her ride along partner, Richard Castle; is that true?"

"I don't discuss my daughter's private life with strangers; but as far as I know; they're just friends," she lied; not wanting to jeopardize Rick's place at the precinct…which would incur the wrath of her daughter and she had plenty of that at times. "Really it's none of your business or anyone else's."

"It was Mr. Castle's publicist who released the statement on your daughter's behalf," the reported said as he handed her another bag.

"And you find that odd?" she asked. "You know that she works with Mr. Castle; they're friends; his career dictates that he have a publicist; that's not something my daughter has in her address book; so of course being the kind man that he is, he'd offer the assistance of a member of his team. It's not so unusual."

Emilio shrugged. "Some people might believe that if Mr. Castle's publicist is the one releasing the information; then maybe he wrote the statement for your daughter."

"Well then those people would be severely misinformed. My daughter is quite capable and highly educated. Those words were hers and no one else's…and if you want to insinuate again that she's not capable of doing something for herself, then you better walk away now, because I don't take well to people calling my kid a liar when she isn't."

Emilio took a step back. "No offense intended, Mrs. Beckett."

"Sure there wasn't," she scoffed as she grabbed another bag.

"What can you tell us about your involvement with Senator Bracken's arrest?" he asked; not the least bit deterred.

"Not a damn thing," Johanna answered.

Emilio laughed. "But you are involved; everyone knows that."

She eyed him. "Then why ask me about my involvement if everyone already knows all about it?"

He smiled. "People may know but they haven't heard your side of things. Don't you think you should give your side?"

"I will; in court if I'm called to testify," Johanna stated.

"You have to have something to say about it though."

"Mr. Lopez; the case is open; it isn't prudent to discuss open cases publicly. Surely you can understand."

He gave a slight nod. "I might understand but other people don't…they feel your silence hints at some sort of guilt."

"Then again, those people are severely mistaken. I'm making no comments on the case. Pass the word around and leave me and my family alone."

"Where's your husband?"

She sighed. "At work, if you must know."

"How does he feel about all of this? How do you both feel about the Internal Affairs investigation that your daughter is involved in?"

"How my husband and I think or feel is our business, not yours or anyone else's. We don't owe you an accounting of our lives. As for the investigation; I hope it's handled quickly."

"Were you always in the habit of defending mob members?" the reported asked as she sat another bag in her trunk.

"Excuse me?" she asked sharply.

Emilio gave a small smile. "Joe Pulgotti isn't exactly known as an upstanding citizen, Mrs. Beckett. He was affiliated with the mob. Why would you defend someone like that?"

"Because in this country, everyone, regardless of their past, is entitled to an attorney. Mr. Pulgotti was and still is entitled to appeal his conviction. I was doing my job…you know, like you claim you're just doing yours by hounding me in a parking lot."

"But the question was, were you in the habit of defending mob members."

"No," she said sharply. "I never to defended a mob member."

"Then why this one?" Emilio asked. "What made you pick this one?"

Johanna pulled her sunglasses off to fully glare at the man. "Are you questioning my ethics? Because I feel like that's where this is headed. Mr. Pulgotti sent letters to many lawyers; I answered because I felt he had a good case. That was my job. Denying someone counsel on the basis of their past affiliations is classified as discrimination, Mr. Lopez; you may not be aware of it but the law frowns on that. If a man is innocent of the crime he is convicted of, then he has every right to seek new counsel and appeal."

"Yeah, but a mob member."

"Mr. Pulgotti had been in prison for 7 years when sought an appeal; Ii believe any past affiliation he may have had was expired by then. I'm not discussing this any further. I did my job."

"Some people may wonder what was in it for you for doing that job."

"The same thing that was in it for me for all my cases," Johanna retorted; "My fees and expenses and nothing more. Don't you dare stand there and imply that I was some kind of crooked lawyer. You better go bark up another tree for those dirty dealings. I don't take bribes, Mr. Lopez; I have more pride in my work than that."

"I meant no offense."

"That's your favorite line, isn't it?" Johanna asked, checking her phone to make sure she hadn't accidentally sent her message for help.

"It's true, Mrs. Beckett."

"Sure it is; well let me tell you something, I do take offence. I did my job honestly unlike some people. I'm sure someone somewhere is going over my career with a fine tooth comb and that's fine. I'm not afraid to let my work stand on its own merit."

"Where were you for all those years?" Emilio asked; trying a different line of questioning. "Rumor has it that you were in Wyoming."

"It's none of your damn business where I was."

"It can't be easy coming back from all of that," the reported added, picking up one of her bags to hand to her. "There must be a lot of discord and adjustments to go through as you settle back into a life you had abandoned."

Johanna was glad she had put her sunglasses back on as she felt tears spring to her eyes. The vultures were going for the kill now; she had to be careful. She had to be composed.

"It's hard to believe that everything would be going so smoothly…that your husband and daughter harbor no resentment towards you over all of this. After all, you're the one who got mixed up in it when you took that mobster's case."

She knew all about the resentment her family had, Johanna thought to herself as she remained silent. She grabbed the last two bags from her cart and put them in the trunk. "We're fine," she stated, her voice firm. "We'd be even better if you pack of parasites would let us live our lives in peace."

"Thirteen years is a long time, Mrs. Beckett," Emilio went on as he shook his head. "There has to be some repercussions."

"Yeah, there is; I can't go to the market in peace," she retorted as she slammed the trunk lid and turned her cart toward the cart return. "I get harassed in the parking lot."

"There's been no harassment. I've been keeping this friendly Mrs. Beckett. I didn't want to cause you the embarrassment of another public meltdown. Do you suffer from panic attacks often?"

Shame warmed her cheeks as she pushed the cart into the slot. The last thing she needed reminded of was how disastrous her last venture out in public alone had gone.

"Don't you think I've been keeping this friendly?" he asked.

"Oh yeah; you're a ray of sunshine," she said sarcastically.

"You can't blame people for wanting to hear from you," Emilio said as he and George hurried to keep up with her stride. "You're big news; people are interested. Don't you have any comments to make?"

"I have a few," Johanna said as she moved to the driver's side of the car and unlocked the door. "First, I don't want to be big news and people need to mind their own business. Two, and more importantly, leave my daughter, my husband and I alone. Three, we owe you nothing. Four, our private lives are no one's business. Five, I have no comment about anything regarding the case; not today, tomorrow, next week or three years from now, so just stop wasting your time and go find whatever little starlet might be in town. And lastly, if you follow me home, I'm calling the police and having you arrested for stalking. Have a nice day," she said with a smile as jerked open her door.

"I won't follow you, Mrs. Beckett. I'm not like that. Thank you for your time; even if you are a bit standoffish."

Johanna rolled her eyes and didn't bother to comment as she got into the car and locked the door. She hadn't had much choice but to give him and his camera puppet time; she hadn't wanted to draw attention to herself and she had to put the groceries in the car. It wasn't like she had the option to run. Engaging wasn't something she had ever wanted to do but it felt like the safe option at that moment. Her phone rang just as she was about to lay it down and she glanced at it, seeing Kate's name on the screen once more. She allowed it to go to voicemail, confident that she was safe now that she was in the car. There was no need for a message asking for help; she was fine, she had handled it.

Her hands trembled slightly as she put the key in the ignition; she had handed it but her stomach felt sick. At least she hadn't embarrassed herself though…at least she didn't think she did. One thing she knew for sure; she wasn't going to mention it to Jim or Kate for the moment. Jim was too angry and Kate would say that she had warned her. She was in no mood for that. Besides, she should be feeling proud of herself for managing the situation on her own.

There was one question that lingered in her mind though; who had tipped off the reporter that she was at the market? It could've been anyone inside the market that had recognized her…but Sharon kept coming to mind; her suspicions rising. Her bitter best friend…former best friend. What if she had tipped them off? What if she really was Vixen?

---

Johanna was in the midst of unpacking the bags that littered her kitchen table and the counter tops from her trip to the market when movement at the doorway of the kitchen caught the corner of her eye. She jumped; startled to know she wasn't alone in the house and she hurriedly reached for her purse on the kitchen chair where her phone and gun were still tucked away.

"You don't need the gun, it's me," Kate said as she moved further into her mother's line of vision.

"Good God, Katie!" Johanna exclaimed; her hand pressing against her pounding heart. "What the hell are you doing sneaking up on me like that? I'm pretty sure I taught you how to announce yourself when you're not expected…like you could knock on the damn door."

"I figured if I knocked you wouldn't let me in," Kate replied. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"Well you did and it's your second strike of the day."

"Then you should've answered the phone and quit being stubborn; if you had done that you wouldn't have to worry about me using my key," her daughter replied.

"I was relieving you of babysitting duty."

Kate sighed. "I'm not the one you're mad at. I don't know what happened between you and Dad that has you in this mood but you don't need to take it out on me."

"I wouldn't have taken anything out on you if you had kept your mouth shut."

"I felt that he had a right to know," her daughter replied. "Just because you're pissed off at him doesn't give you the right to just up and run off…"

"I wasn't running off!" Johanna yelled. "You act like I was fleeing town!"

"Well," Kate said; "You do have a past history of that; not be ignorant."

Her mother's jaw tightened. "Seemed pretty ignorant to me. I wish all of you would quit acting like I went on a 13 year excursion full of fun and excitement. I went because I had to; I stayed because they terrified me; how many times do I have to explain it before it gets through your thick skull!" she cried. "I didn't enjoy it and I have no intention of ever leaving again, so quit acting like I need to be held prisoner so I don't escape again."

Kate did her best to school her own temper in light of her mother's outburst. "No one said you were trying to run away from home," she said slowly; "But Dad still has a right to know where you are and what you're doing. Things are different now than they were before and you just have to accept that; it's never going to be the same."

"It could be the same if everyone gave some effort," Johanna remarked.

Kate shook her head. "No, it can't. It's never going to be the same, Mom; learn to accept that. This is the reality now; you left once because you had to, because you got yourself into trouble…and now, you have to accept that someone has to know where you are at all times. You apparently made these rules with Dad and he had a right to know. Do you want him to worry? Do you want to cause him to have a stroke or something? Hasn't he been through enough? Haven't we all?"

"Your father is fine, Katie; there's no need to act like things are so dire," her mother retorted.

Sternness touched Kate's features. "Yeah, well, I remember a time when things were dire with him. I want him to stay fine; so quit playing your games of "I'll go do what I want to get even for whatever" because your days of doing that are over. You don't get to do this anymore. We didn't cause what happened, but we want to make sure it doesn't happen again."

Johanna's hands trembled with anger at her sides, angry tears laying in her eyes. "So I'm just supposed to be locked in a cage like some captured song bird?" she asked; her tone tense and wobbling with the effort of withholding emotion. "Am I supposed to play Mother May I for the rest of my life?"

Her daughter stared at her incredulously. "Hey; you're the one who up until a few days ago wanted to be locked in the house while shunning the outside world. What's changed so suddenly?"

"I just decided it was time," Johanna retorted. "I don't always want to be locked away."

Kate rolled her eyes. "Mhmm. Tell me, did you wear your sunglasses all through the market?"

"No, I didn't," she answered. "Would it bother you if I did?"

Kate shifted on her feet. "Maybe I would have a problem with it."

Johanna crumpled an empty bag, a fiery look flashing in her eyes as she regarded her daughter. "And just what would your problem be?"

Kate licked her lips nervously but defiance surged through her veins as she held her mother's gaze; seeing the anger simmering within her green eyes. "It makes you look like a coward when you hide behind those damn things."

The crumpled bag slipped from Johanna's fingers and fell to the floor at her feet. "A coward?" she repeated. "So the truth finally comes out; you think I'm a coward…"

"When you're hiding behind things, yes."

Her brow rose; hurt and anger suffocating her inside. "Then I guess I know why you don't like to spend much time in my company…you don't want me to embarrass you with my cowardice when you've got your big badass reputation to uphold, Miss NYPD."

Kate took a step back; putting a little more space between them even though they hadn't been standing all that close. "Let's not name call."

"You called me a coward; I'm just supposed to take that? Is that another segment of my new reality as you term it?" Johanna asked. "You can fling around whatever words you want but I can't because I'm the evil bitch that must be punished?"

"I never said evil."

"Oh; so you agree with the bitch part?"

Kate took another step back towards the counter near the doorway. "Well, we all have our bitch moments….you seem to be having one right now."

Johanna scoffed, her lips curling into a humorless smile that used to make teenage Kate quake in whatever pair of shoes she had stolen from her mother's closet…and truth be told; it still made her stomach clench and she hated herself for it. She was almost 32 years old; that look shouldn't have power over her anymore…but apparently it did.

"You haven't seen me be a bitch yet," her mother declared. "But if you'd like to meet that side; I'd be more than happy to arrange an introduction."

"I think I'll pass."

"Maybe it's too late to pass. I'm sorry that my choice of accessories makes you feel like I'm a coward. I've always liked to wear sunglasses; they're one of my favorite things, especially the pair I own right now. Yes, I wear them in public at night at times because the flashes of those damn cameras bothers my eyes and triggers headaches, not that I owe you an explanation. In the daytime, you can go into any store in this city and see someone inside wearing sunglasses. It isn't unusual. Celebrities do it all the time and while I'm not one of those, I don't see why I can't wear mine whenever I want to; especially when I've always looked at them as a fashionable accessory."

Kate gave a humoring nod. "Alright, you don't wear them as armor; you have perfectly acceptable answers for why you suddenly wear sunglasses everywhere you go day and night. I'm sure you're the height of fashion with them."

Johanna eyed her. "If you want to talk about fashion; let's talk about this hideous getup you've got on today," she said as she took in the site of her daughter who was clad in black dress pants, a white blouse buttoned to her neck, a black necktie and a black blazer. To top it off she had her hair pulled back in the severest bun Johanna had seen since her mother-in-law had been alive.

"My outfit isn't hideous!"

"Oh believe me, honey; it is. It's so ugly I can barely stand to look at it. Why the hell are you wearing a necktie? Women don't wear ties."

"Some women do; it's fashionable," Kate retorted.

"Whoever told you that lied and was getting paid commission," her mother stated. "You look like you're trying to be a man."

"I do not!"

"You do too. That tie is ridiculous, Katie; and those pants are a bit baggy; they don't fit you in a flattering way at all. You have much nicer dress pants that fit your frame nicely. That blouse is so prissy and old fashioned looking that I swear I could probably find a picture of Elizabeth Beckett wearing the same thing. The blazer is alright if it wasn't for all the rest. You're too pretty of a girl to be walking around looking like that, Katie."

Kate looked at her in surprise. "Lots of women dress like this."

"Only if they have no taste and weren't raised by me," Johanna remarked. "I raised you to have taste. Take off that damn tie at least. You can save it and give it to your father as a gift if you want, but take it off, you don't look good with that thing on…you look ridiculous."

"Ridiculous!" Kate shouted.

Her mother nodded. "Hey, it could be worse; I could've found some reason to call you a coward."

She bit back a biting retort and decided to switch tactics. "My outfit is no different than when you'd wear dress pants, a blouse and a blazer to work at times."

"It is different; my clothes fit me correctly. My pants were tailored to fit my hips so they didn't look baggy; my blazers were the appropriate length for a woman and any time I tried to buy a prissy blouse, your father threw it in the garbage and forbade me to wear ugly things."

Kate smirked at her. "Rick thinks my outfit is cute."

Johanna smirked back. "Rick wants to get in your pants. You could wear a flour sack and he wouldn't care as long as you're willing to take it off and crawl in bed with him later."

"Mother!"

"It's the truth," Johanna said with a shrug. "I should know after all; your father enlightened me to a man's way of thinking about clothes long ago. He told me before we were even dating that women didn't have to try so hard; all we had to do was be willing to take the clothes off at the end of the night and the man would be happy."

Kate held up a hand. "We are now changing the subject; because one, I don't even want to think about what you were doing at that time that made the two of you have that conversation; and two, I don't want to have that conversation about my relationship; and three, you're just trying to get even because you're mad about what I said about your sunglasses."

"No; that's not true; I honestly think that outfit is the ugliest thing I've ever seen you wear. If I had known that you owned it while I was staying with you, I would've disposed of it."

"It's new," Kate replied.

"Good; go home and change and take it back after work."

"No!"

"Fine; go upstairs and get something out of my closet to put on and tell me where your receipt is; I'll take it back for you and pick you out some decent work attire to take its place."

"No!"

Johanna sighed. "Then at least do something about your hair."

"What's wrong with my hair?"

"You've got it pulled back so skin tight over the back of your head that I'm surprised your eyeballs haven't popped out from the strain. If you want your hair in a bun that's fine, but make it a softer one like usual. This thing you've got going on here is way too severe, Katie. It makes you look harsh."

"Good," she replied. "I'm a cop; not a kindergarten teacher."

"Just because you chose law enforcement doesn't mean you have to wear your hair like that; you never have before…if you're going to have your ears sticking out like that then at least put some earrings on so they don't look so naked and they'll detract from the severe hairdo a little."

"We're not supposed to wear earrings on the job; a criminal could grab a hold of them, Mother."

"Then you really shouldn't wear your hair like that….you look like Elizabeth Beckett. I think that's part of why she was in a bad mood all the time; her hair was put up so tightly it had to be pulling on her brain and causing damage. That's not a look you want…don't look like your grandmother. It gives me an intense urge to smack you."

"Funny," Kate said; "I've got an urge to smack you."

"Bring it on," Johanna told her. "I'm ready."

She laughed. "Trust me, you're not."

"That's what you think."

Kate held up a hand in surrender. "Look; let's not do this. What's going on that has you in this mood…because I have to say this isn't one of your better sides; you're no fun when you're like this."

"Add it to my list of sins," Johanna retorted as she turned back to the groceries and began to finish unpacking.

"Did you buy any steaks?" Kate asked; diverting from the topic for a moment.

"No; he's getting meatloaf," her mother replied as she shoved some TV dinners into the freezer.

"I'm not sure where meatloaf falls in the scheme of things…it's easier when steak is on the menu."

"He wants meatloaf."

"Okay; and what do you want?"

"I want people to get off my back," Johanna replied. "But that's not on the menu either."

"Uh huh," Kate murmured. "So Dad's on your back about something?"

"The whole world is on my back for one thing or another, Katie; you ought to know that by now."

Kate moved closer; sensing that some of the anger that her mother was harboring was dwindling in intensity. "Do you want to narrow that down?"

Johanna shook her head. "It's nothing."

"If it was nothing you wouldn't be so pissed off."

"I can deal with it on my own; you should probably be getting back to work; I thought you were on a case."

"I was but it's stalled at the moment. We know who did it but he fled to Connecticut and now has to be extradited once the police there are done processing him," Kate replied. "No one will care much if I take a longer lunch break now that things have been handled."

"Your boss might care."

"She's at lunch too…she also knows I stop to check in on you from time to time; I'm sure she'll understand if she happens to bring it up. Now what's going on?"

"I told you; it's nothing."

"It's not nothing," she said as she moved to stand behind her mother, wrapping her arms around her in a makeshift hug as Johanna stared out the small window above the kitchen sink. "Just tell me and you'll feel better…that's what you've always told me."

Johanna sighed. "I did something that I shouldn't have, panicked about it and my husband took offense to my reaction about what I had done. My daughter's being a big mouthed tattle tale wearing ugly clothes and I ran into Sharon at the market."

Kate closed her eyes and hugged her mother a little tighter. "I can't apologize for being a tattle tale, although I know you want me to. I take it that things didn't go well with Sharon?"

"No; but I expected as much…she called me a liar, implied that I've just waltzed back into everyone's lives expecting no consequences and that my marriage is failing."

"Why would she say that your marriage is failing?"

"Because your father didn't look happy at his poker game last night and apparently was the last one to leave."

"That doesn't mean your marriage is failing; you and Dad have always had your fights or misunderstandings…you're still together so clearly you know how to make it work. What time did he get home?"

"I don't know; I was asleep. The last time I looked at the clock it was 11:25 and there wasn't any sign of him. He told me not to wait up so I turned out the light and went to sleep."

"It doesn't seem unusual that he'd get home around that time or midnight from the game; they seem to run a bit long…I think you had to shoo them out of here that night it was Dad's turn to hold the game. It was getting late then too, wasn't it?"

"Yes."

"Then tell her to shut the hell up and worry about her own business."

"She wasn't happy to run into me again at the market."

"Well then she can shop elsewhere. I don't know what her problem is but she can either get over it or change her habits," Kate remarked. "I am sorry though that it didn't go better for you."

Johanna shrugged as her daughter's hold on her slipped away. "It doesn't matter anymore. That friendship is in the past; it's not coming back. It's hard to accept but I'll get over it in a few days."

Kate doubted that but she refrained from saying so. "What did you do that caused a fight between you and Dad?"

"I'd rather not discuss it," Johanna replied.

"Maybe you need to discuss it."

Her mother smirked. "Look at you being all big on discussion these days…makes me think about all the times you hung up on me or let me talk to your voicemail…or ignored me while I was in the same room with you."

"That was…different," she stated. "I was angry with you."

"You still are."

"No I'm not; don't go there. Now tell me what the problem is here today and maybe it can get resolved."

"You can't resolve it," Johanna murmured.

"Maybe I can help you resolve it."

She wished that she could confide in her daughter but she didn't feel entirely comfortable with that idea given the topic. She was sure that Kate probably blamed her for Jim's past drinking habits as much as she blamed herself; how could she not? She didn't know if she could face hearing the confirmation of those thoughts however.

"It can't be that bad, can it?" Kate asked.

"I don't know."

Her daughter sighed. "Is it on the cringe worthy scale?" she asked. "Is this another one of those things that involves your sex life?"

"No!" Johanna exclaimed. "We don't have any problems in that area!"

Kate cringed a little. "I didn't want to know details but good for you. If it's not about that, there isn't a reason why we can't discuss it. Is it something to do with Melanie; did she stop in for that promised visit to Dad?" she lightly teased.

Johanna eyed her. "Do you see blood on the floor and fresh dirt in the yard?"

"No but I do see you bought bleach at the market."

"It's nothing like that."

"Then just tell me what it is."

"Maybe I fear your reaction or opinion," Johanna admitted.

Kate held her gaze; if she wanted her mother to tell her what was going on she was probably going to have to wheel and deal a little to make it happen. "What if I said I'd try not to jump to conclusions or have knee jerk reactions?"

Her mother toyed with her rings. "I don't know."

"What if I fix my hair in a way that doesn't remind you of Grandma Beckett?"

"And you'll lose the tie?"

Kate rolled her eyes. "Mother, if that's what's going to get us through this day, then yes, I'll fix my hair and lose the tie."

Johanna gave her a small smile. "Okay; you do that and I'll finish putting the groceries away…and just in case you'd decide to change clothes while you're upstairs, my work clothes are in the guest room closet."

Kate blew out a breath and headed for the doorway. "The things I have to go through with you, Mother."

"If you think this is bad, try 22 hours of labor and feeling like a watermelon is being squeezed out of your…"

"Stop!" Kate yelled. "Just stop; I'll look at the clothes if you just don't finish that sentence."

"Okay. If you don't like anything in the guest room; you can look in the closet in my bedroom."

"Oh believe me, I will," Kate said, shaking her head as she left the room.

---

A short while later, Kate carried a pair of black dress pants that she had taken from the guest room closet into her mother's bedroom and laid them on the bed. She then went to the closet and opened the door, her hands reaching in and quickly sorting through her mother's selection of tops. She grabbed a dark purple long sleeved shirt and was about to close the door when she spotted a pair of cute plum colored heels on the floor of the closet. Since her mother wanted to change her look for the day, she figured she could bear the sacrifice of a pair of shoes and she quickly snatched them and closed the door.

Kate kicked off her own shoes, took off her gun and badge and pulled off the clothes her mother detested and pulled on the pair of dress pants she had borrowed…hating that her mother was right and that they fit her better than the pair she had been wearing, despite her thought that the look had been fashionable. She frowned; God she hated it when her mother was right. She pulled on the top and slipped on the heels, returned her badge and gun to their rightful places and then moved to her mother's vanity and sat down to unpin her hair. She ran the brush through her chestnut colored locks and decided to leave it down as usual. Hopefully her mother would be satisfied now and she could get to the bottom of whatever issue was ailing Johanna Beckett today. She sighed; sometimes the woman drove her crazy.

---

"Much better," Johanna said as Kate walked back into the kitchen. "Now you look like my daughter and the world can see how beautiful you are."

"I'm glad you're satisfied," she replied as she sat down at the table, noting the two cups of hot tea that had been sat there. "Now; I fulfilled my end of the deal; let's hear what your problem is today."

"When you say it like that it sounds so comforting and inviting, Katie," Johanna said, a touch of sarcasm in her voice.

"You're the one beating around the bush; I changed my clothes to make you happy; now get on with it."

"What did you do with your clothes?"

"I left them in your room."

"The tie too?"

"Yes."

"I'm glad you told me; I don't want your father going up there and seeing that stuff. He'll think I had a man here and I'll be laying out in the middle of the street praying my phone works enough to call and ask you to come scrape me off the pavement."

"Oh my God; some guy from Wyoming didn't call you, did they? Did that Jack person call you again?"

"No! God no. He doesn't even have my number since it's been changed. I don't think he has the guts to try to contact me after your father grabbed a hold of him and I don't want him contacting me."

"Okay; so there are no accusations of affairs this time; good. Did you over spend on the credit cards? Because you've been known to do that a time or two before."

"No."

"Did you put a dent in the car?"

"No."

"Did you turn the channel while a ball game was on?"

"No."

"You're not leaving a lot of options, Mom. Just say it and get it over with."

Johanna sighed, squirming in her chair as she finally set about telling her daughter what happened. When she finished, silence filled the air and she kept her gaze focused on the table, afraid of what she'd see in her daughter's face.

Kate drummed her fingers on the table, trying to choose her words carefully and feeling like she was failing miserably. "Okay…it's not an issue that you drank wine; we drank wine when you were staying with me."

"I know; but we didn't let him see it…you seemed to make that point and I guess I just followed your lead because I thought that's what was best. I never questioned it, it seemed logical."

"I trust Dad that he's fine and that he isn't tempted by other people to drink," Kate said slowly; "But I'm not comfortable drinking in front of him which is why I do my best not to let him see me do it."

Johanna shifted in her seat. "I'm not comfortable with it either…and I panicked."

"Yes, I can tell from what you've told me…and that was the worst thing you could do."

"Yeah, I've noticed."

"So why are you mad that he's mad about how you acted?" Kate asked.

"Because he crossed a line and it hurt me…it made me angry."

"I don't think you get to be angry about this," her daughter retorted. "You're the one with a problem…a lot of problems. You're the one who panicked, you're the one who made a big deal out of it; you're the one who made him angry. This is your fault; and if he hurt your feelings, it's because you pissed him off by behaving in the dramatic way you have a habit of doing. You always make everything worse than it has to be, Mom. Why do you do that? Why can't you just ever accept someone's angry with you and just walk away and let it sort itself out? Why do you always have to push or get mad and go off the handle? Why? This isn't on him; it's on you."

"I never said it wasn't," Johanna replied; her gaze fixated on the cooling liquid in her cup.

"And yet you're mad at him."

"I told you why."

"It doesn't matter if your feelings were hurt; you don't have a right to be mad at him," Kate told her.

Johanna scoffed softly. "Seems like I never have a right to anything I feel. I shouldn't feel worried or afraid or angry or depressed or anything else. I can only feel something if it's been pre-approved as an acceptable emotion to have in conjunction with whatever is going on in my life that day."

"Don't give me that," her daughter said sharply. "You just make everything about you and while doing it, make things worse for yourself and everyone around you. If you don't want to have to worry about Dad, then quit making things into big issues, quit getting mad and running off to do what you please without letting him know. He's not the problem here, you are."

Why wasn't she surprised? Johanna thought to herself. She knew she was a problem; she didn't need it spelled out for her. She didn't know how to respond though; she feared she had made a mistake in confiding to Kate. She should've found someone else…and the only other option would've been Valerie…Valerie would've been a better choice but as usual, she had played the wrong card. She was stupid as her father had always proclaimed.

"Nothing Dad said to you was a lie, you know. He might've said it harshly but it's all the truth…and you always said you'd rather have the truth than a lie," Kate reminded her.

"That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt sometimes."

Kate sighed. "What was it that he said that 'hurt' you so badly that's lead to this huge temper tantrum of yours?"

She didn't want to answer; she just wanted to end the conversation and send her daughter on her way so she could be alone.

"Well?"

'He said he doesn't need me," she replied.

Kate's brow rose as if she didn't believe the words. "I want the exact wording that you took that idea from."

Johanna told her exactly what Jim had said; knowing that she was once again going to be told that she had no right to be angry or hurt by his words.

"He's right," Kate confirmed. "He doesn't need you to help him deal with anything in that area. He knows how to deal with the issue; he's been doing it for a long time, and you weren't here for it, so why get mad when it's brought up? You weren't here, Mom. People learned to take care of themselves and get through life the best they could. You can't rewind the clock and change us now. I'm not a kid; I don't need you like I did back then. I'm an adult; I have my own life and don't need you holding my hand. Dad learned how to function without you managing the house, his meals and his problems. He learned to take care of himself once more. Your friends and family learned to go on without your presence; no one had a choice. You don't get to be mad about that."

Hurt rippled through her soul; the confirmation that she was unneeded in the lives of her family making her ache just as much as the reminder that she had been gone for so long. It suddenly made her wonder why she was there. They didn't need her; they could function without her…maybe they had even been happier before her reappearance than they were now. She may have helped Kate bring an end to the case, but had she made things worse for the people she loved by staying? Should she have gone back to Wyoming and carried on the best she could? Her throat grew tight at the thought…they could've told her so; she'd made that clear so many times. If they had asked her to go back, she would have. She would've left them in peace once the truth had been revealed and the threat removed.

"What are you thinking about?" Kate asked; jarring her from her thoughts.

Johanna shook her head. "Nothing," she said softly as she picked up her cup of tea and took a drink, hoping the liquid would wash away the lump lying in her throat.

"You know that's not true."

"Maybe I like to keep some things to myself," she murmured. "You should be getting back to work; you've been here awhile now."

"Any other time you want me to stay," Kate remarked.

"I've got things to do, Katie," Johanna said as she got up from her chair.

"Like what? Pout and feel sorry for yourself? You need to get over this, Mom."

"Yeah; I know. I need to get over a lot of things, like not being needed. That's no one's problem but mine and I need to resolve it on my own. I'll try to do better, Katie."

"You keep saying that and yet it doesn't seem like you're making any progress with getting past things. I really think you should consider going to a therapist."

"I don't need a therapist!" she yelled angrily; hot tears filling her eyes. "I need a friend! I need someone who isn't you or Jim; I need someone who knows me, who understands me and won't judge me if I blink the wrong way. Someone outside of this family that I don't have to worry about tip toeing around. But I don't have anyone! Why don't you get that! I don't want some stranger who's only listening because they're getting paid to. I want a friend."

"Then call Martha," Kate suggested.

"She doesn't know me," Johanna said tartly. "She doesn't know me like some people do."

"I know you miss Sharon and want to resume your friendship; but you said yourself it isn't going to happen…so you need to find someone else and at the moment, Martha is about the only option you have…and the only reason you don't want to follow up on it is because you have this insane notion that she's taking your place as my mother."

"I'm not going to have that fight with you today, Katie," Johanna replied. "I'm just not going to do it."

"Why does it have to be a fight?"

"Because when we're of opposing opinions, we always fight," her mother replied. "I can't help it if I feel like Martha is playing that role more than I am. You can't tell me that I'm not entitled to feel things. I can't turn my feelings off and be numb…I wish I could but I can't. I do miss Sharon but I know it's done…give me a few days to mourn it, okay? Can you just do that? I deal with things differently than the Beckett family does. I'm a McKenzie and a Calabrese…we feel things differently; we deal differently."

"You're name is Beckett," Kate told her.

"I know what my name is, but my genes are McKenzie and Calabrese. I'm different from you and your father. My process is different."

"Yeah; I've noticed."

"Just go, Katie. I shouldn't have told you anything; it isn't like it's any of your business; but be sure to call your father and make your report, you big mouth tattle tale….more genes you get from Elizabeth Beckett. It scares me sometimes how much I'm starting to see her in you."

"Just for that I'm changing back into my own clothes."

Johanna waved a hand at her. "Go ahead; I don't care. If you want to walk around in ugly clothes; you go ahead; but remember; the tabloids always seem to do a fashion analysis about what we wear. You might make the worst dressed list this week."

"Okay," Kate said as she got up from the table; "You're turning back into angry Johanna so I'm going to go change my clothes and go."

"Don't forget to put my new shoes back in the closet; you're not walking out of here with them…I'll tackle you in the yard and wrestle them off your feet first."

"That's almost tempting," her daughter replied; "But I'll put them back; you're not in a sharing mood today."

"You still haven't brought my boots back."

"You'll get them; I promise."

Johanna got up from the table and carried the mugs to the sink; holding her emotions back as her daughter watched her for a moment before turning to head back upstairs. She rinsed out the mugs and set them in the sink and then grabbed her stack of magazines and books and headed for the living room.

She was settled in on the sofa with the TV on, waiting for Temptation Lane while she began looking through the new copy of Redbook when Kate came down the stairs. Her daughter went to the hallway and grabbed her coat before reappearing in the living room.

"I'm going back to work," Kate announced.

"Those are my pants you still have on."

"I decided to borrow them; I'll bring them back with the boots from last time."

Johanna gave a nod. "Drive safely."

Kate gave her a puzzled look. "That's it?"

Johanna's brow rose. "What more do you want?"

Her daughter shrugged. "Usually there's a hug and an 'I love you, Katie; let me know you got there safely' conversation."

"I told you to drive safely; I'm sure you'll be fine. You don't need to check in; you're a big girl."

Kate rocked back on her heels. "Uh huh; so I guess you're mad at me now?"

"No. I was mad that you're a tattle tale but I'm over it now. Apparently it's the only way to get you to visit; not that I'm hinting for more visits; I know you're busy having your own life."

Kate smiled. "Oh good; we're going to slap words back in the face; that's always been a personal favorite. I'll text you when I get back to the precinct."

"Don't trouble yourself; I'm turning my phone off before your father gets his report from you and calls to yell at me some more."

"Fine. What about the hug?"

"What about it?"

"Are we going to do it or not?"

"I wasn't planning on getting up but I guess if it really matters to you."

"I kind of think it does," Kate said as she moved closer to the sofa. "I don't think you're lacking in energy so get up and do it."

Johanna rose and gave her a quick embrace and then returned to her seat. "Well, that was warm and loving," Kate commented.

"I'll work on it," her mother told her. "Have a nice day."

"Come lock the door."

Johanna got up once more and followed her to the door; locking it behind her as soon as Kate stepped out onto the porch. She then returned to the couch and allowed herself to cry like she had been aching to do.

---

Jim hated that he felt a sense of trepidation as he climbed the steps to the back door late that afternoon. He hadn't heard from Johanna since he had spoken to her while she was at the market. He had used the tracker religiously; tracing her trip home; and he had kept an eye on it even after Kate had checked in with him and clear up until Johanna had turned off her phone and the red dot had disappeared. It had angered him; just as it had angered him the night before but he knew he couldn't say a word about it. He couldn't lie and say he tried to call; she'd know easily enough if he had…and he couldn't blow his secret of tracking her phone. She wouldn't take that news well at the moment. He didn't even want to think about how that would go. Jim breathed deeply and shoved his key into the lock, bracing himself for whatever mood his wife was in as he pushed open the door.

He didn't say anything as he stepped inside the kitchen, his gaze landing on his wife as she stood at the counter pouring dressing onto the two bowls of salad she had sitting in front of her. She made no greeting either, didn't even pause in her task to look at him and he fought the urge to go back out the door and eat at the first fast food place he found. He sighed quietly as he sat down his briefcase and shrugged out of his coat.

"How was your day?" Johanna asked as she carried the bowls of salad to the table while still avoiding eye contact.

"It was fine work wise," Jim answered. "Wife wise is a different story."

"Yeah; I'm always a different story; I'm just special like that," she replied. "Dinner is almost ready."

"Where's your soup you threatened to make?" he asked seeing that the stovetop was void of the soup pot.

"In bowls in the freezer. I made it awhile ago so it wouldn't be in your line of vision."

"Aren't you going to eat a bowl?"

"No, not tonight. I found a container of leftover lasagna I'd rather have."

"I thought you said you'd make meatloaf," Jim griped.

"You're getting meatloaf, Jim," she said somewhat tartly. "Believe me, my past history as a waitress demands that I deliver your order correctly."

"I'm not even going to touch that remark," he replied.

"Are you working tomorrow?" Johanna asked as she made herself busy pouring drinks.

"Yes; I'll be working clear up until we all leave for the hunting trip. Why? Do you need something?"

"No; I was just making conversation."

Jim eyed her. "Did you get everything you needed from the market?"

"Yeah, I did."

"Good; then I guess you can stay home tomorrow."

Johanna didn't bother to answer as the timer on the oven went off. "You don't have plans for tomorrow, do you?" her husband asked once again.

"No, dear; I don't have any plans at the moment," she answered as she pulled the TV dinner out of the oven and the pan that held her lasagna.

"What the hell is that?" Jim asked as she sat down the TV dinner on his placemat. "You said you made meatloaf!"

"I did," Johanna replied as she pulled the plastic off the tray. "It's a meatloaf TV dinner. I bought it at the market today…don't worry; I got one of the expensive brands to make sure it's good quality."

"I wanted your meatloaf," he said with a glare.

"It's from my kitchen. I baked it," she said as she picked up the bottle of ketchup she had on the table. "And now I'm putting the ketchup on it just like you like it; and look, you get mashed potatoes and gravy with it too."

"What, two bites?!" he exclaimed. "That's not a meal; that's an appetizer. Why are you starving me to death over something that's your fault?"

"I'm not starving you, Jim," Johanna replied as she put her lasagna on a plate. "I just didn't feel like making meatloaf. I made salads, you'll have plenty."

He huffed. "I hate kitchen warfare."

His wife raised a brow. "You said you wanted meatloaf; I provided meatloaf. I made a special trip to the market; in my car by myself to get it; now you better eat it."

"You made a special trip to the market to be a smartass."

Johanna shrugged. "Any way you slice it; I went to the market alone; just like you told me to do."

"Which proves what, Johanna? That if you get pissed off enough you'll do anything that you've been previously avoiding?"

"No; it was proving to you that I could do it."

"That wasn't your agenda and you know it."

"Actually it was," she stated. "But I always seem to be a liar in everyone's way of thinking."

He blew out a breath. "Don't even start on that, Johanna. I'm not in the mood to hear it. Whatever it is you're up to; just stop it, alright?"

"I'm not up to anything," she said defensively as she stabbed her fork into her lasagna.

"Oh really?" he said while eyeing her, taking in the fact that she was dressed in her work out clothes. "Then why are you dressed like you're going to be hitting the gym?"

"Because I'm going to hit the treadmill in the basement after I wash the dishes," Johanna remarked. "Is that okay with you or do I need to file a request for permission to go to the basement?"

He smirked at her. "By all means, please do go to the basement and run on your treadmill. That's what I bought it for."

"Thank you for approving my request," she volleyed back.

"I hear you told Katie her outfit was ugly."

Johanna nodded. "It was; good to know she upheld her job as Daddy's little tattler."

"At least someone was speaking to me today."

"What's wrong, dear? Didn't your friends play nice with you at work?"

"That's not what I meant and you know it. Katie called me because you didn't. Call it tattling all you want but she was in the right. I don't know if you telling her that her outfit was ugly was the right thing…"

"If you had seen it, you would've agreed. She was wearing a tie and an ugly prissy blouse, pants that didn't fit her frame in a flattering way and a blazer. Not to mention that her hair was skintight over the back of her head. She looked like she was trying to be a man and since she reminded me that we value the truth in this family; I figured she could take it."

Jim took a bite of his meatloaf, still disappointed that it wasn't his wife's homemade variety. "I'm not even sure I want to ask for your version of Katie's visit."

"Katie's visit was fine."

"That's why your eyes look like you've been crying all day."

"I haven't been crying."

"Then why are your eyes red?"

She shrugged. "Could be any number of reasons…like reading without my glasses."

Jim eyed her. "Just tell the truth, Johanna; spare your storytelling abilities."

Johanna suddenly felt weary; the weight of the world pressing upon her. "Fine I cried, okay? I know it gets on your nerves and I'm sorry that I can't control it better. I'm sorry I have bad reactions sometimes. I'm sorry that so far I haven't been able to be the person that you and Katie want me to be. I'm sorry that I worry, that I get afraid, that I can't let go of things. They're not new habits, you know? They've always been there; they're just a little more pronounced right now…"

"More pronounced…watching Dr Phil again, are you?" her husband asked.

Her chin trembled. "No, jackass; I happen to have an ounce of intelligence, that's why I graduated fifth in my class at Columbia. I was trying to apologize but since you don't want to hear it, I'll stop; because you know what; I'm tired of always being sorry. If you and Katie didn't want me to stay, then you should've told me to go back where I came from once an arrest was made," she said as shoved her chair back from the table and got up; picking up her plate as she did so so that she could throw her dinner in the garbage, her appetite ruined.

"What the hell is that about!" Jim yelled as he rose from his chair to grab a hold of her as she moved back across the room. "What the hell did Katie say to you?"

She held his gaze. "What are you worried that she said to me? Are you afraid she let something slip from a personal conversation that the two of you had?"

His hand tightened around her arm. "Johanna; I'm in no mood for games. Why the hell would you say that we should've sent you back to where you came from? Don't you ever say that!"

She jerked her arm free. "It's how I feel right now!" she exclaimed as she stormed to the basement door, jerking it open and slamming it shut behind her.

Jim flinched as the door slammed and he stood motionless in the middle of the kitchen as he listened to her footsteps pounding down the steps. A moment later he heard the small cd player she had down there spring to life; 1980s Madonna floating upwards into the kitchen. He took his phone from his pocket and dialed his daughter's number.

"Hey, Dad; what's going on?" Kate asked when she answered.

"What the hell did you say to your mother?" he demanded to know.

"What are you talking about? I told you what was said."

"Are you sure about that? Because she's got some notion that we don't want her here and that we should've told her to go back to Wyoming once Bracken was arrested."

"I didn't say that," Kate replied. "I didn't say that at all."

"Then what did you say?"

"Nothing that would've given that impression! You know how Mom is; she hears her own version of conversations and they differ from the real one when she's being overly emotional."

Jim blew out an aggravated breath. "On one hand that's true, on the other hand, you have a past history of spinning tales to keep your ass out of the fire so I don't know which one of you to believe…so do me a favor; don't help me any more this week unless I ask for it. I get in enough trouble on my own!"

"Join the club," his daughter replied. "I'll talk to you later; I'm getting ready to pack up for the day."

Jim ended the call and returned to his seat at the table; looking at the empty chair across from him. His heart gave a painful little squeeze recalling all the times that chair had been empty. He didn't regret for a moment letting Johanna come home…sometimes they hit a bump; but he'd never send her away. She should know that by now. Why would she think they didn't want her to stay? What was it about that one glass of wine that she had that had upset the entire applecart?

---

Johanna woke in the middle of the night; the dull ache that had formed in her head earlier in the evening had morphed into a raging migraine. She bit back a groan as she gingerly raised a hand and laid it against her head; as if the touch would ease the pain. She nearly scoffed aloud; it was going to take far more than a touch to ease that pain; she knew that all too well. Johanna sat up slowly; the world tilting before her eyes in the darkness of the room; oh God; it was going to be one of these kind…it would land her in bed all day; possibly the next one too if she couldn't get rid of it quickly. She waited for the dizziness to pass; instead concentrating on the queasiness of her stomach and the throbbing in her head. She was going to have to take that prescription that Jim had insisted she bring home from Wyoming…she'd already had to use it once since moving back home and she was afraid that she'd be using quite a few over the course of the next day.

Her gaze strayed to Jim for a moment and she was tempted to wake him and ask if he'd get her pill for her but she held back. When she had finally came back upstairs from her basement treadmill run, Jim was in the office, his focus on his work and she didn't bother him. She entered the room long enough to get her glasses and then she had retreated to the living room. They had avoided each other all evening…it didn't escape her notice that he had waited until she had been in bed for an hour before he came upstairs. She sighed softly; wincing as everything she did seemed to make her head throb. She didn't want to bother him; he was sound asleep, stretched out on his side of the bed, not caring a bit that she wasn't curled up against him. It shouldn't bother her; after all, she was sure he'd say he was used to it from her absence…it was something else he had learned not to need her for…but it still hurt to think of it and she was feeling sensitive anyway. Tonight wasn't the night to dwell on things said or unsaid; all her brain wanted was something to ease the throbbing.

Carefully, she rose from the bed; taking care not to disturb her husband as she moved across the room and opened the bedroom door quietly. She slipped into the hallway and used her hand to feel along the wall, her eyes squinting despite the darkness. Johanna sighed deeply; it was going to be a bad one…just how bad remained to be seen. She made her way to the bathroom and moved inside, flipping the light on and instantly regretting it as the bright light hit her eyes. She groaned; her eyes squeezing shut as she hurriedly fumbled with the switch to turn the light back off. What was she going to do now? She couldn't find anything in the medicine cabinet in the dark and she surely couldn't stand the light on at the moment. Tears sprung to her eyes, the feeling of being a burden wrapping around her once more. She would have to wake Jim or try to suffer it out…and she hated to wake him; hated to need so much when she was trying to prove that she could be independent just like everyone else.

But what could she live with more, the loss of her pride or the pain in her head? Johanna rubbed her forehead as the tears spilled down her cheeks. She'd have to sacrifice her pride; she hurt too badly to try and ride it out. She turned and moved back down the hallway to their bedroom, hating herself a little with every step. Moving back into the bedroom, her pride tried to rally, telling her that she could fight the pain…but she knew better; she knew she couldn't…in the past when her migraines were at this stage, she had been carried to the car for a trip to the hospital by her father…and later on by Jim as well. A shuddering breath wracked her frame; the tears still dripping off her cheek as she perched on Jim's side of the bed; her hand reaching out and brushing his face.

"Jim," Johanna said tearfully.

He didn't respond; his breathing deep and even, telling her that he was in a deep sleep. She touched his face once more; her fingers moving back and forth against his cheek. "Jim."

He blew out a breath and roused enough to hear the tears in her voice and frustration furrowed his brow before he even opened his eyes. "What are you crying about now, Johanna?" he asked; his voice thick with sleep.

The comment struck a blow to her heart and she wished she had either put up with the intense pain of having the light on while she tried to find her medicine or that she had gone downstairs and tried to deal with it alone.

"I need you to get my migraine medicine," she cried softly. "I tried to get it myself, but I couldn't stand to have the light on and I can't find them in the dark. I'm sorry."

A flicker of remorse filled him; his eyes opening and focusing on his wife; noting the pain that was etched upon her face. "Alright," he said, gentling his tone. "You get back in bed and I'll get your medicine for you."

"I'll go in the other room," she told him. "I don't want to keep you awake…I didn't want to wake you."

"You don't have to go in the other room; don't be ridiculous. Why do you have to add to a problem, Johanna?"

Johanna said nothing as she got up from her place at his side and rounded the bed to crawl back into her own spot; wishing she could go sleep in the guest room or Katie's old room so she wouldn't have to worry about disturbing him further; but she knew to do so would only invite trouble and she had plenty of that to go around.

"You can do what you want if it matters that much," Jim said on his trek to the door. "That's what you always do anyway. I don't know why you want to sleep elsewhere, but if it's what you want; go ahead if it'll make you feel better."

"I don't want to fight," she murmured tearfully. "I just want my head to stop hurting…please…please just get my medicine and I'll let you be. I'll never make an issue of anything again if you just get my pill so my head will quit feeling like it has twenty jackhammers inside. You can yell at me all you want once it's gone…please just get it."

The pain and anguish in her voice chastened him; what the hell was he doing instigating a fight with her when she had a severe migraine? "I'll get it, Jo; I'll be right back," he said quietly. "Just try to be still and calm down; being upset only makes it worse."

Johanna squeezed her eyes shut as she pressed her damp cheek against her pillow and tried to bring her emotions under control. As soon as she felt better; she'd apologize to her husband and promise to do better. She was trying…she was trying so hard to be what everyone wanted her to be, and she kept coming up short. She'd just have to try harder; but for now all she wanted was to feel better and she wondered what was keeping Jim as the minutes passed slowly and he didn't return. She wasn't sure if she was exaggerating the amount of time that was passing or if she should get up and try to find him; it was the middle of the night; he was still tired and it was dark in the hallway; he might've tripped and hurt himself…although she was sure she would've heard the cussing that action would've brought. She'd give him another two minutes and then she'd go search for him…and her medicine, whether the light felt like shards of glass in her eyes or not.

She had no sooner had that thought when she heard his footsteps approaching the bedroom and she breathed a sigh of relief; she wouldn't have to move much after all; thank God.

Jim sat down the glass he was carrying on the night stand and then set down the small bowl of ice water and wash clothes he had in the other hand as well. He took the pill bottle from the pocket of his pants and opened it, taking out a pill. "Set up for me, sweetheart," he murmured softly; a hand gently wrapping around her elbow to help her. He could see her holding back a groan and he felt guilty for being so short with her when she clearly didn't feel good. When she was seated, he handed her the pill and picked up the glass of water to give her as well.

After Johanna swallowed the pill, she handed back the glass. "Thank you," she said softly as she carefully sank back down in her spot and turned on her side; her back to Jim's side so that he wouldn't see any more tears if they should happen to fall.

Her husband gently took hold of her elbow. "Lay on your back," he told her.

"Why?" she asked, her eyes closed as she was afraid her emotions would betray her but she could hear the soft splash of water.

"This is going to be cold," Jim said as he rang out the cloth he had submerged in the icy water.

"What?"

Jim folded the cloth and laid it across her forehead; the icy sensation making her flinch as he pressed it against her skin. "This might help," he explained. "I read about it online the last time you had one of these headaches. Let it on until it gets warm; I have another cloth in the bowl; I'll switch them when that one is no longer cold. It might help ease the pain until the pill kicks in."

"Thank you," Johanna whispered; a shiver racing through her body.

"I know it's going to make you cold, sweetheart; but it might be worth it if it helps."

She nodded; trusting his instincts as he got up from the bed. A minute later she felt the extra blanket being spread over her. "That should help," he murmured.

"It always does," Johanna said softly.

His hand fell against her forehead, gently pressing the cold cloth against her skin, hoping that he wasn't hurting her as he tried desperately to ease her pain. He didn't see any hint of added discomfort; but he knew that he had hurt her long before her headache had set in. He didn't like when they went to bed angry; and they had certainly done that the past two nights. There was the need to apologize but he didn't feel like this one was his fault. Either way; now wasn't the time for discussion on the matter, Jim thought to himself. She was in pain; she didn't need added aggravation…especially when he knew that it had to have been hard for her to ask him to help her.

"How long as your head been hurting?" he asked quietly.

"It's been a dull ache all evening…apparently sleep wasn't helping it."

"Did you take anything earlier?"

"No; it was dull; I thought I could sleep it off. There didn't seem to be any hints that it was going to change into a migraine…if I had known…"

"I know," he murmured.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"For what?"

"Everything."

Jim was silent for a moment as he kept the cool cloth pressed against her forehead. "Is that your usual everything or just the more recent everything that encompasses the last two days?"

Johanna suppressed a sigh and a groan as she shifted and her head throbbed. "Both."

Her husband exhaled a heavy breath. "We'll discuss it when you're feeling better. Don't go getting yourself worked up again; it'll just make things worse."

"I know…Katie told me I make everything I worse."

"That definitely sounds like something we shouldn't get into tonight," Jim replied. He didn't want anywhere near that can of worms. "Is the coldness helping?"

"A little; it feels like it might be down to 18 jackhammers instead of 20 but it's losing its coolness."

Jim peeled the cloth away from her forehead and dropped it into the bowl, his fingers reaching for the cloth that was already submersed.

"It always helps you rub my forehead that way you always do when my head hurts," she murmured.

"I know but we'll try this," he said as he laid the cold cloth on her forehead.

Johanna swallowed hard; her heart giving a painful throb as her husband shunned their usual tactics…something that had been a part of his care taking skills even before they had started dating. It felt like he was rejecting something that was somewhat intimate between them and it hurt just as badly as her head ached. She didn't think that he really believed that she was sorry either; but she was. She didn't like when they were like this; when they didn't talk or touch. She didn't like when they went to sleep without a goodnight kiss. She brushed his hand away from the cloth he had laid against her aching head. "You can go on back to bed," she told him. "I'll be alright now that I've had my medicine…you have to work tomorrow. I'm fine."

"I'll stay up with you until you go to sleep," he told her.

"You're probably tired."

"I am…and I'll be even more tired if you want to argue the point," Jim stated. "Just relax and be calm; let the medicine kick in."

She pressed her lips together so no sound would escape; feeling shunned once more. God, she hurt all over. A tear broke free and slid down her cheek.

"What are you crying for, Jo?" he asked with a weary sigh.

"Because of my head," she replied; figuring he might believe that; and it was partly true anyway. "It just hurts."

"Do you want me to take you to a doctor?"

"No," she whispered. "I'll be fine…just like always. Go ahead and go to sleep; you have to work in the morning."

He got up from where he was perched at her side and moved around the bed to get back in on his side. "I'll lay back down but I won't go back to sleep until I know you're sleeping and that you're fine. Try and rest, Jo."

Johanna made no further comment, figuring it would be useless to argue; she'd wait a little while and then feign sleep so that he'd feel comfortable going back to bed. They laid together in silence and she noticed that he didn't even reach for her hand…and normally he would've…just like normally he would've massage her forehead. She didn't want to dwell; she just wanted the medication to kick in so that the pain would ease and she could sleep. She took the cloth from her forehead and managed to drop it into the bowl on the nightstand without opening her eyes.

"Why did you take the cloth off?" Jim asked.

"Because I want to lay on my side and it's not helping all that much anyway," she replied as she turned over so that her back was toward him. "It would probably help more with the duller ones but not this one."

"So much for that," her husband muttered.

"I appreciate that you thought of it," she replied. "I'm sure it'll help the ones that aren't this bad…this one is just too severe."

"Well then turn over this way and I'll rub your forehead like always."

He sounded like it would be a chore and that was the last thing she wanted. "I just want to go to sleep, Jim. I'm tired."

"That's the best thing you can do," he said; softening his tone so he didn't sound so harsh.

"Goodnight," she murmured.

"Wake me if you need me," he told her as he reached out a hand and rubbed her back.

"I will," she replied; but she had not intentions of waking him again.

Jim knew that he was still being somewhat harsh with his wife and it wasn't right given that she didn't feel well. It wasn't something he was proud of and so he inched closer and continued to rub her back soothingly, hoping the medicine would kick in soon and ease her pain.

Johanna laid awake; knowing there was no chance of going to sleep until the medicine took hold of her and it's drowsy inducing quality swept over her and made her sleep whether she wanted to or not. She'd prefer sleep though; with her head pounding she didn't want to lay awake thinking about how so much felt so wrong at the moment. Her husband's touch at her back was welcome…but she wished she could roll over and curl up against his chest…but she was afraid of being shunned. He'd already thrown small doses of rejection at her; did she really want to subject herself to more? She held still for a few moments longer, the debate being waged between her aching heart and her throbbing brain…finally the need for comfort won out and she gingerly rolled over and found her way to his side, settling herself against his chest before he really had a chance to evade her moves.

Jim could feel the tension in her body as she settled against him and he knew she was waiting for him to pull away but he didn't. He wrapped his arm around her and pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head; his hand moving against her back once more. "Try to sleep, sweetheart," he murmured.

She relaxed slightly, her hand curling into his shirt as her eyes closed. She wished she could rewind the clock and redo the end of their weekend so none of this turmoil would've happened. Better yet, she wished Bridget hadn't mentioned a downfall…she was sure the old woman had jinxed her.

---

Jim roused later on that night when he felt his wife slip away from him hurriedly, the blankets being thrown back as she got out of bed. "Where you going, Jo?" he asked tiredly.

"I have to be sick," she murmured as she tried to hurry toward the door but he could tell she was trying to keep her eyes mostly closed and he hurried to get out of bed to help her.

By the time he caught up to her she had made it to the hallway and he gently took her elbow and helped her move more quickly into the bathroom. He hated to turn on the light as he knew it would aggravate her headache but he didn't see any way around that. That was something he was going to have to work on; he'd need to either put in a dimmer switch in the bathroom or find some way to have an option for dimmer light in there when the occasion called for it. He moved to stand near Johanna, reaching out and gathering her hair to hold it back for her as she emptied her stomach. It reminded him of when she'd had morning sickness and he'd done that same thing what seemed like ten times a morning. He'd also done it for her migraines before; usually if she reached this stage she'd be past the worst of it and it would start slowly easing…he hoped that would be the case this time as well and she wouldn't have to suffer so much.

"Are you okay?" he asked when it seemed like she was finished.

"Yeah…I just wish it wasn't so bright in here," she answered softly; her stomach still feeling as if it was in the midst of rebellion.

"I know; I'm going to take care of that as soon as I can. I'll see if I can put a dimmer in here; if not, I'll think of something else but I'll get it taken care of…I should've thought of that a long time ago."

"I never thought of it either," she replied, giving no sign of moving as Jim let go of her hair and crossed the room to get a clean washcloth out of the cabinet.

He ran the cloth under the cold water and glanced toward his wife who was still on the floor on her knees. "Are you finished?" he asked gently.

She breathed deeply and gave a small shake of her head. "I don't think so," she answered before her stomach turned again.

Jim hurried to pull her hair back from her face once more; wishing there was something more he could do for her; but he'd been down this road enough times before to know that there wasn't much he could do. When she finished, he flushed away the contents of her stomach, frowning as she winced at the sound of the water.

"Does you head feel any better?" he asked as he helped her stand and handed her the washcloth to wipe her face. "I know sometimes after you throw up it seems to ease it."

"It doesn't feel as bad as it did," she remarked quietly as she moved closer to the sink to get her toothbrush. "But it still hurts."

"On a scale of 1 to 10; how is the before and after comparing," Jim asked as he took the tube of toothpaste from her hand and squeezed it onto her toothbrush for her.

"Before was a 10…or above. Now it's hovering around the 7-8 area; but maybe when I'm out of the light I'll feel better than that," she answered before starting to brush her teeth.

Jim brushed her back with his fingertips. "I'll be back; I'll go get you a glass of cold ginger ale and put it on your nightstand, you can sip a little and hopefully it'll keep your stomach settled."

Johanna gave a nod and he left the room to carry out his task. By the time she was finished brushing her teeth and pressing the cold wash cloth to her forehead for a few minutes, Jim had returned with the glass in his hand. He clicked off the bathroom light and took hold of her elbow to guide her from the room.

Once she was settled on her side of the bed, Jim handed her the glass of ginger ale. "Sip some of this before you lay down," he commanded as he took the bowl and glass off of the nightstand and carried them from the room.

Johanna sipped her drink for a few moments and then slid back down in her spot, laying her aching head on the pillow. Jim returned to the room and settled into his spot. "Are you still okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, for the moment," she murmured.

His fingertips fell against her forehead out of habit, gently massaging the area and her eyes fluttered shut; relief coiling deep within her that he had bestowed the gesture without asking as he always had before. Her hand reached out and curled into his shirt as she always had a habit of doing.

"Did you drink some of the ginger ale?" he asked quietly; some part of his desperate to keep conversation flowing for a few more minutes.

"Yes; I drank some. I just hope this isn't going to be one of those ones that last for days."

"Hopefully it won't. I just hope that the medicine was in your system long enough that you didn't throw it up."

"Me too; I can't take another one until morning."

Jim continued to rub her forehead; wracking his brain for a topic of conversation that wouldn't cause further upset between them. It wasn't an easy task…everything seemed to have the possibility of driving them into those murky waters.

"I saw Sharon today," Johanna whispered; surprising both of them with the reveal of the information given his feelings about her outing.

"At the market?" he asked cautiously.

"Yeah."

"How did it go?"

"She wasn't pleased to see me in the same aisle with her."

"Did she walk away from you?" he inquired; his heart already aching for her at the thought.

"No; she stuck around to tell me I'm a liar."

"Is that all?"

"No; but it was just our usual bitchy snipping when we're mad at each other."

He had a feeling it was more than that but he wouldn't press right now. Maybe in a day or two when she felt better; maybe when things were calmer between them he'd dig deeper.

"She still says she'll call soon."

"Do believe that?" he asked.

"Hell no."

"I'm sorry," Jim whispered. "I wish it had gone differently for you."

"It's alright," Johanna replied. "I think I'm getting used to the fact that my friendship with her is over."

"She could still come around."

His wife shrugged a shoulder. "At the moment I'm not sure I care if she does or not."

She was wounded, Jim mused; she cared but she was putting on her tough girl armor to get past it. She was going to pretend to be numb, that it didn't hurt. He knew better…but again he said nothing; allowing her to hide her feelings for the time being. Their own issues were unresolved at the moment; he didn't need to punch the wrong button and add to their troubles. He pondered it all for a few minutes; disappointed that Sharon was so steadfast in her rejection of Johanna. He wished that he could make her change her mind but he couldn't…which meant he might have to give more thought to finding a way to contact Maggie.

"We'll find you a different friend," he murmured to his wife.

"Hmm?" Johanna responded sleepily.

He realized that his silence and his fingers massaging her forehead had lulled her and he didn't want to break the spell. "Nothing, sweetheart," he whispered as he brushed a kiss against her lips. "Just rest now."

---

The next morning, Jim rubbed his eye as he stood in the kitchen and waited for his toast to pop up. Johanna had gotten up once more through the night to be sick and he had gotten up with her; somewhat worried that maybe she was coming down with a bug as well as the migraine. She had assured him that it was all headache related; that the second episode of her sickness had eased more of pain. He was inclined to believe her as she wasn't wincing as much despite still squinting against the light. He had stayed up until she went back to sleep; woke her at five to give her the migraine pill. She was sleeping once again and he was on his own for breakfast. He didn't mind as long as it meant she was getting some rest and that her headache would soon be gone.

A knock at the backdoor startled him and his gaze jerked to the clock on the microwave. Who the hell was beating on his door at six forty-five in the morning? He reluctantly trudged toward the door; not really in the mood for company this early but he found his daughter on the other side of the door and allowed a small smile to touch his lips. "Katie, what are you doing here so early?" he asked as she stepped inside, his newspaper in hand that she had obviously grabbed from the front porch.

"I wanted to stop before work," she answered. "Where's Mom?"

"Upstairs in bed."

"So she's still mad and letting you fend for yourself for breakfast?" she asked.

Jim could detect a note of tartness in his daughter's tone but overlooked it. "It's not like that," he replied.

"Sure it's not," she replied as she went to the cupboard and got down a coffee mug. "You look tired, Dad."

"It's not like you think, Katie," he said more firmly; "And as for being tired, I am. Your mother got up around midnight with a terrible migraine and I was up most of the night with her. That's why she's still in bed. I'm debating whether I should go to work or stay home with her. Do you want some toast?"

"No, thanks; I already ate."

"Suit yourself," he quipped as he spread butter on his toast and then carried the plate to the table.

"So are you two still fighting?" she asked as she sat down across from him.

Jim was getting a suspicious vibe from his daughter and he didn't like it. "Why do you ask?"

"Just curious."

"I don't really know, Katie; it seems to be on hold for the moment. I'm hoping we can sort it out calmly once she's feeling better."

Kate nodded. "I know you haven't seen the paper since I grabbed it from the porch; but did you see the news last night?"

"No; I was holed up in the office most of the night doing some work and I haven't had the TV on yet today. Why? Or do I not want to know?"

"Did Mom tell you that she ran into a reporter why she was at the market?" Kate asked.

Jim's hand paused in midair as he raised his toast to his lips. "What?"

She smiled. "Oh good; she didn't tell you either; because she sure as hell didn't mention anything to me about it when I was here yesterday."

Jim frowned, his eyes squeezing shut in frustration. "Did she have a panic attack?"

"No."

"Give me the newspaper, Katie."

Kate pushed the paper across the table to him. "I can't believe she didn't mention this to either one of us."

Jim blew out a breath as he pulled the rubber band off the paper. "Yeah well apparently your mother is good at keeping some things to herself," he said sharply; "Just not what she should."

"When I was here yesterday, the only thing she mentioned about her outing was running into Sharon…did she tell you that?"

"Yeah she told me that," Jim replied as he flipped the paper over to see the headline below the fold. "At last, comments from the elusive Johanna Beckett." Accompanying the article was a photo of Johanna standing at her driver's side door.

"Damn it," he muttered as he began to scan the article.

Kate gave a nod. "She just fed the animals."

…to be continued