Doing It Right: Volume 2: Chapter 21
by Creedog VanDrey
Category: Glee
Genre: Romance/Drama
Rating: T
Language: English
Summary: Santana was given the opportunity to correct her past mistakes with Brittany, and she succeeded, but now she's haunted by dreams that drive her to continue righting wrongs. If New Directions expect to win Nationals, they better be able to afford the trip.
Spoilers: 2x17 "A Night of Neglect"
A/N: I'm not sure if I should be more excited to do a less-liked episode because it means I get to fix a lot of stuff, or if I should be terrified since it might not be as fun to write.
Also, if you read the previous chapter, you know I've already spoiled "New York", so from here on out, I'm just going to assume you're spoiled.
Chapter 21: Benefit
So here's what you missed on Glee. Santana started having dreams about the future, but it's the future from the original timeline. Wow, that's gotta be confusing! She sees that New Directions loses Nationals. And that she and Brittany are just friends. Bummer! That means she's got two items on her to-do list. But first, she's gotta make sure New Directions wins Regionals, so Santana helps Quinn and Rachel confront their issues. Quinn leads Rachel to wonder if Finn will follow her to Broadway: "Is he good enough for New York?" And Rachel makes Quinn question if she's really in love with Sam and why she never says Beth's name: "Because there's something in my life that's missing." So now they can write an awesome song about… "We'll all be left with something missing" which they mash up with Kurt's song about… "Break the rules, 'cause it gets better." New Directions is up against Aural Intensity—led by Sue Sylvester—and the Starlings, from Crawford Country Day, Dalton's sister school, who are kind of mean. The Warblers support the Starlings, mostly because it comprises their girlfriends, but Blaine gets them to support Kurt and New Direction too because… "I kind of developed a bit of a crush on you." So, Kurt CoBlaine is a go. What isn't a go is Santana and this Starling who totally hits on her. Brittany of course marks her territory: "Mouse is full and I'm the PB&J." Oh, Brittany, no wonder Santana loves you. Even Mercedes gets her flirt on with a Warbler, but didn't Santana set her up with Rajeesh? Anyway, Sue tries to get New Directions disqualified because of Kurt, but Will is one step ahead of her, and Sue gets disqualified for being the principal of a rival school. Who didn't see that coming? Anyway, New Directions totally wins and they elect an MVP: "Miss Santana Lopez." Huh, that was a surprise. I hope Santana doesn't cry. "All I've ever wanted was to feel accepted and to feel loved and, um, and I wanted to thank you guys for giving me that. God, I am such a frickin' sap." Ah, well, I guess everyone does love Santana now. Whew, that was a lot to recap! And that's what you missed on… Glee!
The curtain was closed and the auditorium, while dark, could be seen to contain exactly four audience members.
Tina Cohen-Chang walked out on stage and began to sing:
Oh I beg you, can I follow
Oh I ask you why not always
Be the ocean where unravel
Be my only, be the water and I'm wading
You're my river running high, run deep run wild
In response, the four audience members began to scream insults on stage, heckling the Asian girl. She got through the first verse and the chorus, but finally succumbed to embarrassment in the middle of the second verse.
The jeering faces of Sandy Ryerson, Azimio Adams, Jacob Ben Israel, and Becky Jackson were enough to wake Santana from her slumber. The first glow of the pre-dawn dimly illuminated the colorful room she'd been sleeping in, swaddled in long, creamy arms in a double bed.
Brittany slept through Santana slipping out of her arms, and through the rustling of Santana redressing in yesterday's clothes. But when Santana laid a kiss on her forehead, she roused from her slumber. "San?"
"I snuck out of my house last night, so I gotta get back before my mom wakes up. I'll see you at school."
Brittany snuggled back into her pillow, grabbing a stuffed animal—a horse or a unicorn or something that Santana couldn't quite make out in the dark—from her nightstand to spoon with.
Something about the action troubled Santana. The dream she'd had a couple weeks ago continued to haunt her memories. "You're my best friend." Somehow, in the future, a different future perhaps, she and Brittany still hadn't broken out of their holding pattern. Even as strong as Santana considered her current relationship, she still feared its fragility. "Hey, B?" She received only a sleepy grunt in response. "I love you." Brittany answered back with what hopefully was a mumbled echo of the sentiment. "Brittany?"
Brittany rolled over, knowing she wasn't getting to go back to sleep quite yet. "Mm-hmm?"
"You'd tell me if it felt like I was pushing you away, right? 'Cuz I don't ever wanna do that."
Brittany nodded. "Um…"
Oh God, I'm already doing it, Santana thought.
"You, uh…" Brittany started, choosing every word carefully, "you're always scheming to do good things, and, um, I think it'd be fun if, you know, I did them with you. I wanna turn good deeds with you."
Santana giggled quietly in relief. "Absolutely," she told Brittany, "Batman has Robin, so Batwoman should definitely have her… whoever her partner is. Canary or whatever."
"Thank you," Brittany yawned, rolling onto her side, softly snoring seconds later.
As Santana crawled out of Brittany's window, she noticed Brittany's two cats—the grey monstrosity that was Lord Tubbington and the orange daredevil that was Charity—and her hyperactive, scuttling Pekinese pup Merry Cherry all sneak into the room and find a place on Brittany's bed. (They'd all learned that Santana was a sleep kicker.)
: : :
In his always-bright teacher voice, Will announced, "Alright, guys; Nationals is in less than two months. I've been doing some calculations…" Holly cleared her throat at that. "And Ms. Holliday has been correcting my calculations, and we don't have enough money in the budget to get to New York, so we're going to have to fundraise."
Puck raised his hand. "Money-saving tip: instead of separate rooms, we get one of those big-ass suites and all sleep communally."
"I'm not sure if that's a great idea, Puck. I'm pretty sure the school rules state that any off-site trip requires gender separation of students."
Holly considered the prospect. "I don't know, Will. If the chaperones are in the room with them, it's not like anyone can get into any funny business."
Quinn pointed out, "And it's not like there aren't certain people in this room that splitting us up by boys and girls wouldn't really prevent anything."
Santana slowly extracted her legs from Brittany's lap.
"We're going to have a 'Night of Neglect'," Holly announced, "We'll be performing songs by artist who don't get the recognition they should."
"How are we going to get anyone to come?" Tina asked, "We're still total pariahs."
Mercedes wondered aloud, "Rachel, don't you got two gay dads who support you with a devotion that rivals certain ancient religions? My folks got a dentistry association dinner that night, but some of y'all got to have 'rents willing to show up."
"I've still got my mom on a post-abandonment guilt trip," Quinn offered.
Mike suggested, "I'll invite my mom, but someone's gotta make sure she and Tina's parents don't cross paths, because she's not going to be happy when they don't respond to her in Mandarin."
"And if my mom starts dropping Yiddish, it's over," Tina explained.
Puck's head turned and started to give Tina a hungry gaze.
"Dude," Mike warned as Puck's eyes roamed his girl.
"Sorry, bro. Reflex," Puck gave as an apology.
Artie offered, "Now that Genevieve's my girlfriend, I can get her to come. Maybe some of the drama kids will follow her." He hazarded a glance to Brittany, who was smiling at the news, which didn't help his disposition.
Mercedes pointed out, "In that case, I'm inviting Raj. I wonder if he can get his soccer buddies to come." She hummed appreciatively.
Santana mentioned, "Brad and I are tight. I know he's playing for us, but I could convince him to buy a ticket. It's not like he can't make up the four dollars busking in front of the library."
"Santana, maybe you should invite Faith," Rachel hinted, tilting her head toward Puck.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Brittany grumbled under her breath.
Santana lowered her eyebrows and whispered under her breath, "Ever since Zizes dumped Puck's ass—which will never not be funny—he's been trolling for fresh meat. And since all the girls in glee are in relationships, he needs something to distract him from hitting on us." At this point, Puck's eyes instinctively kept moving toward Tina until Mike puffed up and glared at him.
"Oh," Brittany replied sheepishly.
"You're such a Jealous Jenny, aren't you? You're not going to start deleting girls' names from my phone, are you?"
"I don't even know how to change the picture on my screen." She showed Santana her phone. Whatever her wallpaper was caused Santana's eyes to shoot open. She snatched the phone and hurriedly mashed buttons while draping her shoulders in order to shield the view from anyone else in the room. Luckily for her, the after-school bell rang and the rest of the club filed out of the room.
Once they were in the hallway, Tina grabbed Artie. "Wow, so one date with this girl and she's already your girlfriend?"
"I really thought we were over this, Tina, this jealousy thing."
Tina crossed her arms in defiance. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Back it up. You're the one bringing our past relationship into this. I'm happy with Mike. But I'm beginning to suspect that our being friends is contingent on you having a girlfriend."
"It does make it easier," Artie admitted, "Mike's cool with me, but it's not like having someone on my arm doesn't distract me from the fact he stole my girlfriend."
Tina huffed. "So that's what Brittany was? A distraction?"
Artie all but growled, "What Brittany and I had was real, okay? Maybe it started out kind of sketchy, but… I did love her. That doesn't mean she didn't allow me to forget about what we had."
With honest sympathy, Tina said, "That's kind of sad, Artie. I've never for a moment forgotten what we had. You were my first best friend. My first boyfriend. The first boy I ever kissed. The first boy I ever loved. And you were the first boy who I ever cried about losing."
Unmoved, Artie pointed out, "You dumped me."
"That doesn't mean I don't regret it a little bit, regret hurting you. Before we ever started dating, you were my friend, and that's something Mike and I will never have. I hope this Genevieve girl is the real thing, because if she makes you happy, I want us all to be friends."
Artie looked conflicted as Tina walked away, laying a hand on his shoulder as she passed by him.
: : :
Sue sat in the principal's office with three people in front of her: the comely Vocal Adrenaline coach Dustin Goolsby, the effeminate arts director Sandy Ryerson, and the shapely cheerleading coach Terri Delmonico.
Terri was the first to speak. "Okay, seriously, Sue, it's not like I'm not in the market for a new hobby, but since your prize mares jumped the fence and the Cheerios got disqualified from competition, Figgins has been on my ass about the Cheerios having time to cheer for all the sports teams. McKinley has a surprising number, given the number of fat kids I see waddling down the hallways. We've got a soccer team on Saturday and a decathlon competition on Sunday, and one of the kids on that team is in a wheelchair, and I don't know even know how that works."
Sue replied glibly, "Sorry, Honey Badger, I wasn't paying attention."
Dustin's hand shot out, holding out an inquisitive finger. "Question: If you're the principal of the school, why can't you just revoke the club's charter? I know for a fact that Vocal Adrenaline is the only glee club in the state which has been privately incorporated."
Sue's eyebrows lowered. "Are you questioning my methods?"
Dustin looked around. "What's stopping me? Unlike these two, I don't work for you."
Sandy jumped in, "Point of information: in my capacity as Arts Director, I report to the school board."
Sue noted maliciously, "Yes, but in your capacity as the acting drama teacher, you report to the woman who could expel that mentally unstable Oompa-Loompa you give all the lead roles to."
"No, not Genny! She won't survive in the outside world!"
Sue turned back to Dustin. "Do not concern yourself with the details, Sergeant Handsome. I want you to go after this." She handed him a picture of Holly Holliday.
Dustin surveyed the picture with lust. "Done." Terri grabbed the photo and glared at it. She then pulled a ballpoint from her purse.
Sue directed her attention to Sandy. "Roseanne, the glee club is holding a little fundraising concert this weekend. I need for it to be a rousing failure."
"Oh, please, Sue, I know all about failures," Sandy remarked. Terri and Dustin struggled to contain laughter, exchanging significant looks. "Come on; obviously that wasn't what I meant. And…" he eyed Terri glaringly, "…I called dibs on this one."
"Back up," Dustin remarked inquisitively.
Sue interrupted the interaction. "Listen, Prince Charming, you've got another bit of homework. Word on the street is that your little Malaysian bumblebee is extending an olive branch in the form of a song at New Directions' little money-making event."
Dustin tapped his Bluetooth earpiece. "That's news to me. Consider her leashed. I've even got the collar."
"Ooh," Sandy squealed, "is it pink and sparkly?"
"Actually, yes," Dustin admitted thoughtfully.
"I bet it is," Sandy noted merrily, "I bet it is."
: : :
Santana stood like a general before the front row of the auditorium, where Puck, Quinn, Brittany, Mercedes, and Rachel were seated. "Okay, here's the deal: I have a goal and that goal is for New Directions to win Nationals this year."
"That's everyone in glee's goal," Rachel pointed out.
"Pardon me; big people are talking. Anyway, my sources tell me that Principal Sylvester is trying to sabotage the Night of Neglect. So I formed this League of Badassery to counter her attempts."
Puck held up his hand. "Can I just say…? I approve of that name."
"I figured you would," Santana remarked dryly, "I've got assignments for all of you. First order of business: attendance. That cricket Sunshine Corazón's got an impressive voice and more importantly, those six-hundred Twitter followers who we need attending this concert. I have a sneaking suspicion she's gonna bail. Puckerman, what are you going to do about it?"
"Maybe we should kidnap her," Puck suggested. He grinned showily and turned his head to look back into the audience.
"Were you just looking for Ms. Holliday for a reaction? Seriously, you've got to stop that."
"My eyes are drawn to MILFs." Quinn rolled her eyes.
"She doesn't have any kids."
Brittany wondered aloud, "I think she could be my mom."
Santana grinned. "Sweetie, you have a mom, who looks even more like you than Ms. H." Brittany nodded, satisfied with the explanation. Santana turned back to Puck. "Let's do it."
Puck took a moment to comprehend her suggestion. "Wait, really?
"Yeah. I figure you probably needed a pick-me-up, anyway. I'm not being nice. The fact that you're moping over losing Jabba the Mutt is fifty types of depressing. So, here's the plan, morning before the show, me, Puckerman, Finny Two-Left-Feet, and the Mute Asian Sensation are going on a covert mission."
"Who's the Mutation Sensation?" Mercedes wondered.
"Mute Asian," Santana pronounced before shaking her head in disgust. "Mike, it's Mike, okay? Puck, me, Finn, and Mike."
"What about the rest of us?" Rachel asked.
"I have intel that indicates that Sue has assigned Sandy Ryerson to lead a group of hecklers at the show to dampen our spirits or something. They will all need to be eliminated."
"I hope you're not suggesting we kill them?"
"Not that I don't think any of them deserve it, but no. First target: Jacob Ben Israel."
Rachel scowled. "Is that why I'm here? Because I refuse to use my admittedly abundant sexual appeal to entice his compliance against his agenda of vocal discouragement."
Santana glared at Rachel; as if she were placating a selfish toddler, she announced, "Okay, we'll start with you, Strawberry Shortcake. Actually, I want you to go against the ringleader herself: Sandy Ryerson. He has a flair for the theatrical that you can relate to. Find some way to compromise him."
Rachel's suggestion came immediately. "I'm remind of how when he was directing Caberet, he saw fit to write himself a part as Cleopatra. I could offer him a number in the concert."
"I want to do 'One Night in Bangkok' by Murray Head," Sandy regally demanded.
"Done," Rachel replied without lifting an eyebrow, scribbling on a clipboard.
"And I want two minutes to introduce myself and the reasons why I have selected the song."
"Denied. Absolutely not."
"One minute," he haggled.
"No, we've got a full night and we're booked solid."
Sandy sighed. "Fine. One more stipulation: I can't explain why for legal reasons, but I will probably be very hungry at various points during the night. What is the spread going to look like?" Rachel handed him Mercedes' food demand list. "Oh, wow, this is better than what I could hope for. Is there any chance I can append this to add fry sauce for the tater tots?"
Rachel handed him a pen, which he took and scribbled on the list. "I assume I'll be getting a quality spot?"
"Yes, you'll be the lead-in to our selection of closing numbers."
A shrug was Santana's only response. "Fine, I like it. Make it near the end though. I don't want to scare away our audience."
"Understood."
The Latina turned toward her blond former rival. "Q, I'm putting you up against Azimio."
Quinn's eyebrow arched. "What do you expect me to do?"
"I expect you to tell him about the provocative number you, Brittany, and I will be performing. Let's just say our costumes will be dependent on his behavior, if you catch my drift."
Quinn smiled. "I think I can handle that."
"Every inch of Brittany's legs will on display; Santana will not miss the opportunity show off her new additions, and as for me, I just love those backless dresses with thigh-high slits… also, you get your teammates to come, Santana will go braless."
With something resembling pride, Santana complimented her, "I knew there was a reason you were my number two."
"Excuse me?"
Santana didn't let the conversation continue. "Moving on… Mercedes, I'm putting you in charge of Jacob Ben Israel."
"Why?"
"Because he's a gossip blogger and you're a gossipmonger. Prepare ten blind items about the glee club."
"I'll need proof," the bespectacled student insisted.
Mercedes opened an envelope and handed Jacob a slip of paper.
"'What two McKinley Titan football starters recently locked lips during a game of spin-the-bottle?'" Jacob read.
"Ooh, I can confirm that one."
Jacob was salivating, reaching for the envelope, which Mercedes held back.
"You will be getting this at the end of the concert if… if there ain't a single mouth-off from you. Also, bring eight of your newspaper buddies and I'll throw in a set of five pictures of Santana and Brittany engaged in heavy petting."
"R-rated?"
"Hard PG-13."
"That's only worth five."
"Deal."
"Finally," Santana noted to her girlfriend, "Brittany, I need you on Becky Jackson. Make sure to remind her of what the puppets on Sesame Street have to say about being a meanie. If you need more leverage, entice her with this box of Dots."
"Got it, Sky Captain," Brittany replied, saluting with the box of candy.
Puck chuckled. "Is that one of your sexy roleplaying games?"
"Yes," Santana noted plainly. "And for that little tidbit, you'll be flirting with the flag squad to get them to attend."
He was unfazed. "Fair enough."
Santana took control of the discussion one final time. "Alright, any questions?"
Brittany raised her hand. Through a mouthful of candy, she apologized, "I accidentally started eating the Dots. Am I in trouble?"
"No, I expected that, so go ahead and enjoy 'em, but if you get a tummy-ache, it's your own fault that you miss out on snuggles tonight. I'll get you another box the night of."
Rachel raised her hand and, without being called on, asked, "Do we have some kind of team cheer?"
Santana shrugged her shoulders. "Not yet, but write one and we'll vote on it at the next League meeting."
"When will that be? I'll need adequate time to prepare. What if it involves props or costumes?"
"You ask too many questions."
: : :
"Go, Titans, go! Go, Titans, go!" the Cheerios called out at the soccer game between the McKinley Titans and the Frankel Messengers. Terri Delmonico watched passionlessly on the sidelines.
Meanwhile, on the field, Coach Beiste screamed at her players. "Let's see some hustle, guys! Show me some touchdowns! I haven't seen a single tackle all day! What's wrong with you idiots?"
Terri wandered over. "How do you think my girls are doing?"
"Don't care, Blondie."
"I get that," Terri replied, undaunted. "Do you know how to play soccer?"
"How hard can it be? Those Brits based it on football. I hear they even still call it that over there." Suddenly, she screamed out to the field, "Come on, Koothrappali, get your team in order!"
Raj looked back at his coach. "It's Srinivasan, and McCauley is the captain!"
Meanwhile in the stands, Mercedes and Tina sat side-by-side in the bleachers, screaming support for their boyfriends. "Go, Raj!" Raj waved at her cheer, and one of the forwards from Frankel slipped back and scored a goal past Mike Chang, taking the score up to Frankel 26-McKinley 22.
One row down, Zira Phillips was in hysterics, screaming, her accent much thicker than usual. "Bend it! Kick the arses of those wankers! We do what we want! We do what we want! You blooming barmpots! Criminy, you Yanks don't know 'ow to play football! This ain't 'ow the game works!" She threw her head into her hands, mumbling obscenities to herself. Mercedes looked down, unimpressed.
Down in the front row, Principal Figgins proudly cheered for the team, holding up a red foam broadsword. A blonde, Caucasian, middle-aged woman sat down next to him. "Mr. Figgins! I didn't know your son attended this school. He's playing very well."
"He's not my son."
"Oh, dear, my deepest apologies."
"It's alright," he replied, turning his head so that he could mutter, "Racist gori."
A middle-aged woman of Indian descent sat down on his other side. "Agraj, how is your nephew playing?"
"Very well, Amita," Figgins replied, "you have a very talented boy."
The game went into halftime. Meanwhile in the stands, Zira attempted to screen about how the clock had stopped, but was finding herself too exhausted to reach a reasonable decibel level. Mercedes and Tina seemed pleased.
Ajax, McKinley's Greek warrior mascot danced on field with the Cheerios, but was attacked midway through a cheer by Frankel's mascot, Merc, dressed in Greco-Roman robes and a pair of winged shoes. His foam sword caused very little damage and Merc's plastic caduceus broke after the third strike against Ajax's helmet.
: : :
Santana was searching through her locker while Brittany tried the combination on her lock for the third time, singing yet another nursery rhyme, her eyebrows lowered in concentration. When Santana noticed Faith out of the corner of her eye, she pulled Brittany's already-unlatched lock off her locker, kissed her on the cheek, and walked off.
"Loretta, you free Friday night?"
Faith pushed her blond hair out of her face, flustered. "What?"
"Glee's putting on a benefit concert so we can actually get to New York without having to hitchhike. You should come."
"I, um…"
"Let me put this another way; unless your grandmother died and is going to Third Heaven, you're not skipping out so you can play Farmville. I'm very fickle and I think you strangely enjoy being my friend—I guess you're a masochist; don't worry, I'm not judging."
"I'll come, alright? You're lucky my Friday was free," Faith replied, trying to regain an ounce of dignity.
"Glad we worked this out." She winked and gave Faith a two-fingered salute before returning to her locker to threaten the boy in a soccer jersey who was trying to hit on Brittany.
Faith pulled her cell phone out of her pocket and dialed. "Hey, Daniel, it's Faith… Yeah, I guess you would know who's calling since we're on cell phones… I guess I'm just out of it today…" She laughed self-deprecatingly. "Listen, I don't think Friday night's gonna work… I just... I forgot I had something planned for that night… I know we were going to talk about us… No, no, we'll find some time to…" Faith muttered off as she realized she was talking to a dead line, "…talk about this again." She slammed her locker shut. "Way to go, Jennings. Your nice, handsome ex-boyfriend tries to get back together with you and you blow him off. You could have just moved your date to Saturday. Or you could have invited him to the show so that he wouldn't be pissed at you, and Santana would have one more person at her fundraiser." She turned back to her locker just in time to see Puck lean against the adjacent locker and give her the once-over. "Hello… Noah? Or Puck, I guess it is?"
With a voice dripping with allure, he whispered, "So, word on the street is that you've got a bit of a jonesin' for the Puckasaurus. I hear you're from Tennessee. It's appropriate, because you're definitely a 10 from what I can see."
Faith stared at him for a moment. "Utah. I'm from Utah."
Puck didn't pause for a second. "Well, in that case, U-ought-tah go out with me."
Faith's eye caught Santana kissing Brittany's nose. "Sure."
"Wednesday night it is. Seven o'clock? Meet ya there." Without waiting for an answer, he winked and walked away.
Squinting her eyes with frustration, she muttered, "What just happened?"
: : :
Sam was lying on a teacher's desk. Through pained coughs, he called out, "Tell my girl I love her! And tell the boys down at the base to keep holding on!" And with that, he exhaled one last time.
"Well, thank you for that, Mr. Evans," Ms. Holliday, dressed in hospital scrubs, remarked, "but I liked to point out that very few people die of a broken arm." Sam hopped up off the desk, his left armed bound in a sling just as the bell was ringing. "Okay, clase, I'll see you tomorrow and we'll be discussing how to treat necrotizing fasciitis. Word of advice, eat a small lunch."
After all the students had exited the room, she saw a tall man in all black leaning against her doorframe. "Dustin Goolsby, coach of Vocal Adrenaline."
"Oh, yes, our competition at Nationals. It's a pleasure to meet you."
"Oh, the pleasure's all mine. Let me cut to the sexy chase. I was doing some mental math back there and I'm concerned about your reproductive health. I was thinking maybe we could test that out. I would happily volunteer my services. I'll have you know I have thirty-five unwanted pregnancies under my belt. Pun intended."
"Wow, medical pickup lines. I'm just happy you skipped the obvious bone joke."
Dustin turned to the side and flipped through a stack of index cards, throwing out the third one. "So, what do you say?"
"I'm flattered; I really am. Something about jerkish guys really gets my motor going."
"Well, you're in luck, not only am I easy, but I'm also quick to jump into bed, and I'm sexually liberal. Also, very promiscuous."
"Lucky me. Well, I'm an old-fashioned girl, and I need at least half of a date before we get to the fun stuff in any semi-secluded room. So, why don't you meet me at Breadstix tonight?"
"Hmm, I don't do Italian food. Dated an Italian lady once; ruined it for me."
"Oh, we won't be going in. The red glow of the marquee sign is just so romantic through the windshield of your car. We'll get a couple of Big Macs after."
"In that case, count me in," Dustin remarked with a wink.
After the coach was gone, Holly was startled by the sound of someone clearing their throat. Will wandered into the room. "So, is this the part of the conversation where you tell me that wasn't what it looked like?"
Holly regained her poise and replied, "No, that was exactly what it looked like. That was me blowing off our sleazy archrival by promising to meet him in the parking lot of a restaurant which is inside of a mall. C'mon, Ricosuave, you really think I'm going to cheat on your at our mutual workplace?"
"No, I guess not. I just…"
"You just thought, hey, my girlfriend's kind of a commitment-phobe. Well, you're right."
"What?"
"What just happened back there? I enjoyed it. The flirting. It's what I do and I'm good at it. And I justify it to myself by saying, hey, he's got the guidance counselor to flirt with. It's only fair."
"You know that I've made heavy strides to getting over Emma."
"I know. And this is not a response to me thinking that you are flirting with her. I'm just being insecure." When she noticed Will was still huffy, she added, "I'm not really into him, Will, okay? I've spent the last ten years of my life knowing whether I'm going home with someone. And it's no different now, except I know who that guy is." She took hold of the labels of his vest. "I'm coming home with you tonight. We're gonna stay in next Tuesday and make fun of No Ordinary Family. We're gonna have our dorky movie night this Thursday. I love what we have, but you gotta understand, I'm still doing this day-to-day, the only way I know how. And I appreciate how patient you've been with me as I figure out the steps to this dance. It's just, now that I'm doing the serious relationship thing, of course the old way seems easier."
"I guess what really makes me mad… is that there's no way to watch Goolsby getting angry about not being able to find Breadstix's parking lot."
Holly laughed, and pulled Will toward her so they could kiss. She tried to pull them further down, but he resisted. "I gotta ask, though, where do you get all these costumes?"
"I've got a closet full of them at my apartment."
"And yet we're always going back to my place for the fun stuff."
: : :
"You have to kidnap me!" Sunshine screamed at the group of four teenagers.
"But you just said you'd do the show willingly," Santana noted.
"Mr. Goolsby will get me expelled, which will invalidate my student visa. My mom and I will get sent back to the Philippines!"
"Doesn't that seem harsh to you?" Santana asked.
Mike shrugged and put the burlap rice sack over Sunshine's head while Puck began to duct-tape the girl's wrists together.
"Couldn't we just have had her say we kidnapped her?" Finn asked as he tightened the knot on the rope wrapped around Sunshine's ankles.
"Too late now," Santana remarked as they loaded the girl into the trunk. "Good thing she's a runt. Any larger and she wouldn't have fit into my trunk." She slapped the lid. "Come on, guys, it's a three-hour trip."
"Then why'd it only take us two and half?" Mike asked.
"Did you not notice her driving?" Puck asked.
Confused, Mike replied, "No, she drives just like my mom."
: : :
Breadstix Italian Bistro was busy that night. In one booth sat Mercedes Jones and Raj Srinivasan. The former was eating a chicken Caesar salad while Raj was putting away a family-sized serving of penne Bolognese.
"So, I hear you're in a band?" Mercedes ventured.
Raj smiled. "Oh, yeah, it's awesome. Mostly we're just covering Death Cab songs, but we're trying to write some original songs."
"How's that going?"
"Not great. Turns out it's harder than it looks."
"You're telling me. In glee, we wrote original songs for Regionals…"
"Hear you guys won," Raj interrupted.
"We sure did. But we didn't do my song, even though it was bitchingly good."
"I'd love to hear it."
Mercedes' phone buzzed. She apologized, saying it was probably her mom, and looked at the phone. Instead it was a text from "Luke" stating, "When we gonna hang out again?" She put it away.
"Who was it?"
"No one," Mercedes replied.
"No one," Artie replied to Genevieve in the next booth.
"Oh, come on, plenty of people find success in film after being on stage. That's why so many greats actually head back to the stage. Jennifer Hudson has an Oscar and now you only see her on Broadway."
"Whoa, whoa, back up. When you're a musical actor, your roles are limited. Of course you'd go to the stage."
"Well, geez, if we're limiting it to straight plays, of course famous examples will be scarce."
"Do you want my opinion?"
"You know I'm morally opposed to rhetorical questions."
Artie sighed. "They've begun to film live performances of theater shows and playing them on the big screen. If anything, you should applaud how film allows theater to be presented to larger audiences."
"So now we're talking about the number of eyeballs?" Genevieve shot back.
"I don't care how many eyeballs there were!" Faith exclaimed, cringing.
"It's a great movie!" Puck replied, "And it's a classic for the slasher genre. In fact, I'm taking you next weekend."
"Look, Noah… Puck… whatever I'm supposed to call you… there's been a mistake, okay? I don't, and never did, have a crush on you. And I don't want to go see a scary movie because I don't like scary movies and I know you're just banking that my supposed naïveté means I'm going to cower in your arms at the jump scenes so that you can get in my pants."
"You can't blame me for taking advantage of the fact you're playing the blushing virgin role."
"You need to date a stupider breed of girl."
Puck continued to grin appetizingly. "You realize my last three girlfriends were the angry type, right? They also played hard to get. Well, two of them at least. You're not gonna brush me off your scent."
"I'm abstinent."
"Will you pardon me for a second?" Puck asked, slipping out of the booth.
Five seconds later, Santana slipped in. "He's not coming back."
Faith's reply came quickly. "He didn't even bother to walk in the direction of the restrooms. Where'd people get the idea I was into him?"
"I'm a pathological liar," Santana replied. After a moment, she added, "Sorry 'bout that. Maybe next time a dog barks up your tree, it'll be the one you want."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Faith replied too quickly and too suspiciously.
"I mean… it won't be Puck," Santana replied, confused.
Faith shook it off, "Yeah, you're right. In fact, I think my ex Daniel's into me again."
"At what point did it sound like I invited myself into sharing time?" Santana growled, but even her breath. "No, I'm a helpful person now. You may proceed to use me as a sounding board."
"Well, since you made a girl feel welcome," Faith teased, "We can talk about you." Santana smiled greedily at that. "Look, I don't want this to come off wrong, but I gotta ask about Brittany…" Faith started, testing the waters. Santana's smile disappeared and she tensed. "She's gorgeous, I'm not denying that. And she's sweet as molasses, but, I don't know, I find her kind of hard to talk to. She says a lot of random things. It's cute, but isn't it… frustrating?"
Santana hissed, "Look, I've known Brittany for years. The things she says aren't random. Everyone who isn't Brittany says things they don't mean. They hide their words behind that 'No offense, bless her heart' bullshit, or they throw out made up insults to make themselves feel better."
"I'm not saying these things to make myself feel better!"
"I know. The second part was about me."
"Oh… sorry. Go on."
"Brittany's open and honest. Yeah, her words get filtered through that unique brain of hers, but don't think she's just yammering for the heck of it."
Faith tilted her head down, as if finding her chicken piccata thrilling. "You really love her."
"Yeah."
"So, what was it that you wanted to talk to me about?"
"The benefit. You should bring people. We haven't filled the auditorium yet."
"For my new friend, sure."
: : :
Sue Sylvester was furious. The auditorium was more than half-filled and she'd heard nary a boo from the entire crowd all night.
She watched Asian do a song by an artist who had to be imaginary judging by the name and then Other Asian just dance like a hyperactive mime. Then Schuester and his blond bimbo did a duet by that pudgy British chick about being each other's "one and only."
She did experience a brief tingling of what might have been pride when her former Cheerios performed a song by Beyoncé and the Destinies while using their cheerleading moves to get the football players to hoot and holler. They were singing about asphyxiating, which Sue found appropriately since she wanted to suffocate them.
During the intermission, she attempted to track down the Pink Dagger, only to finally find him when the show restarted and he sang "One Night in Bangkok" on stage wearing a pink ensemble.
: : :
Kurt was trying not to get caught staring at Blaine's hand, which was dangling by his side. After several attempts to reach out and grab it, Kurt give up and simply allowed his trembling hand to hang listlessly. "So, thanks for coming to watch."
"Come on, Kurt," Blaine casually replied, "I may be the head of the Warblers, but you know I don't hold any ill will for you guys beating us at Sectionals. It was a close race, and I have the utmost respect for other talented groups. Plus, qualifying for Nationals in your second year? That's crazy awesome."
"So… I thought our dates went well," Kurt ventured.
Blaine thoughtlessly grabbed Kurt's hand. He just barely kept his excitement from bubbling up as his boyfriend answered, "I'd say they went pretty darn good. Too bad you're not still at Dalton, because then this would count as our third date, and you know what they say about third dates."
Kurt's eyes bugged, but he turned his head in time so Blaine couldn't see. "What's that?" he replied, his voice higher than he would have liked.
Blaine bumped his hip against Kurt's leg, "It means we have to agree to stay friends or make it official. And based on past experience, I'd definitely think we'd agree to the latter. One caveat, though…"
"What's that?" Kurt squeaked again.
"We'd have to seal it with a kiss."
"I'd like that," Kurt answered, "Kissing, I mean."
"In that case…" Blaine pulled at Kurt's arm, whipping them face-to-face, and laying his hand on Kurt's cheek, "you'd better ask me out again."
"The Boys & Girls Club is putting on a showing of A Streetcar Named Desire next weekend."
"It's a date."
"Good, because I'm kind of looking forward to overwriting my first first kiss."
Kurt felt Blaine's arm against his chest. "Speak of the devil."
He looked up and noticed Dave Karofsky milling about. When he caught sight of them, he threw something away. It looked like the program from the night's show.
"What are you doing here, Meathead?"
"A bunch of the football guys came to watch Fabray and Lopez and… Brittany sing some hot girl song. I know the last two are total rugmunchers for each other, but they're still hot."
"Please, we know you have no interest in what they've got," Blaine said judgmentally.
"You don't know nothing about what I like!" Karofsky hissed, storming up to the pair.
"Hey, watch it!" Kurt screamed, "You lay one finger on me and I'll make sure you spend the rest of your life scrubbing excrement off the floor of park restrooms!"
"If I touch you," Karofsky pointed out, "I won't get in trouble for laying a finger on Peter Pan boyfriend." He poked Blaine in the shoulder, causing him to lunge forward, but never made contact on account of Karofsky taking a graceful step backwards and Kurt grabbing him from behind.
"And they say I have anger management problems," Karofsky teased, "It would be to your benefit you to just leave me be. I don't want any trouble."
: : :
Rachel was heading to the stage to sing "How" by Lisa Loeb when it became apparent that Mercedes wasn't ready to follow.
It was Lauren who explained that Mercedes was feeling underappreciated and a diva like her couldn't perform if she wasn't properly spoiled.
One look from Brittany told Santana (and a second one from Brad) the duty of getting her on stage was about to fall on her, so she scrambled into the parking lot, thankful she'd already performed, as it was pouring down rain.
She banged on the door, but when it didn't unlock, she pulled a hair pin from her weave and popped the lock.
"So, 'Cedes, there ain't no way you're not singing 'Ain't No Way' in exactly five minutes. This ain't no time to be divain' out."
"I'm not 'divain' out.' I'm panicking."
"Don't tell me you're doubting your voice. I seem to recall a pretty epic Tina Turner duet we did not too long ago."
"When did we do a Tina Turner duet?"
Crap. "In your dreams. Look, you've got killer pipes. You'll bring the house down. Roses will be thrown. Applause will be given. Boys will line up from some of your sugar."
"That'sthe problem." After a moment, she confessed, "I'm juggling two guys right now."
Santana nodded her head in approval. "I'm impressed, Wheezy. You make me pine for the good ole days."
"Wait, are you saying you used to like guys?"
Santana shrugged. "I liked playing with them. Just because a cat likes to play with a ball of yard doesn't mean it wants to eat it." She pulled down the visor and checked her makeup in the vanity mirror. Some of her lipstick had rubbed off and she knew exactly where it went.
"Cat metaphors?"
"My girl has cats. They're total cockblocks." She flipped up the visor.
"Can you please help me out here, Satan?"
Santana opened her door and pushed Mercedes towards hers. "Follow me." They raced inside and when Mercedes caught up—like a good girl, Santana refrained from making a quip about speed—the Latina had already opened her locker and had a binder in hand. "Puck's Guide to Promiscuity. I wrote the preface." There was clip art on the front of a tuxedo-clad man hitting on a well-dressed woman while another lady stood on the other side of a wall.
"I didn't realize you had a guidebook for this kind of thing."
"It was a project in that dumb speech and communication easy-A class. Keep it. I've joined the ranks of monogamy," Santana explained without a lot of joy.
"You seem disappointed."
Santana brushed it off. "Casual dating's a rush. But being a romantic has its perks." Sap, she thought, hugging herself.
Mercedes leafed through the binder. "I didn't say I wanted this, you know, juggling both of them."
"Then why'd you come to me?"
"I thought we were friends now. I figured you could offer me advice."
"Good point." Santana pulled the binder away from Mercedes' eyes. "Take it from a reformed expert on the subject; you'll hurt both of them if you're sloppy about this. Play the field a little bit and then decide which one you want, and then let the unlucky bastard off easy."
"This feels dirty," Mercedes replied, still dubious.
"It can be," Santana teased. "Now, you've got exactly thirty seconds to go on stage or we're sending the wiggly-armed flea in your place."
: : :
Sue endured both Aretha's Aretha number and then Vocal Adrenaline's Lil Miss Saigon singing the loner song. She decided that if Sergeant Handsome ever showed his face back at McKinley, he wouldn't get a warning, he'd be taken out by poison dart on sight.
: : :
After the show, Artie spent an inordinate amount of time talking with Sunshine, in Santana's opinion. The Filipina girl's cheeks seemed rather red, also in Santana's opinion. Well, this is interesting.
After Sunshine excused herself and went to go meet Puck so she could be stuffed in a garment bag and thrown in the back of his pickup truck, Santana cornered Artie, which was remarkably easy to do since there was only one handicapped-accessible exit in the auditorium.
"So, someone's getting their flirt on."
The pinkness of Artie's cheeks belied his true feelings. "Sunshine is on Carmel's Smarty Pants team, Cranial Adrenaline. We went head-to-head with them over the weekend. They were kicking our asses until we—and by 'we', I mean me—swept the bonus round. It tied us up, so I went against her in the Lightning Tie-Breaker Round: 'J-Words'. She beat me 5-to-4 by knowing the word jentacular. If the Cheerios weren't distracting me, I would've tied it up again with juxtaposition. Sunshine and I were just expressing our mutual admiration for each other's intellectual magnitude."
"Please. You were actually expressing your mutual admiration for each other's sexual magnitude."
"I'm with Genevieve," Artie explained flatly.
"And you sound absolutely thrilled about it." Santana redirected Artie's attention to Sunshine, who was looking warily at the handful of plastic wrist-ties Puck was holding. "That girl just saved the whole night. I'm applauding you for taking advantage of the gigantic crush she obviously has on you. I say, go flirt a bit more. She'll be in Akron by tonight, so there's zilch reason to feel guilty. Compared to the path of evil I've led Mercedes to, you're nerdy come-ons are relatively noble. Now, shoo. People will start thinking we're friends."
At that moment, Brittany scurried to Santana's side, looking between her and Artie warily. "Hey, everybody, what's up?"
"Hi, Brittany," Artie greeted, "great job tonight. So, I'm gonna go make sure Puck's not planning on using that rolled-up sock for what I think he considering."
"What was that about?" Brittany asked, attempting to be subtle.
"Don't worry, Dandelion, we were being perfectly civil. In fact, I think he's found his rebound girl." She gestured over to where Sunshine was shyly thanking Artie for some benevolent deed.
Mostly sincere, Brittany remarked, "I'm happy for him. But I thought he was dating the snuggly girl on the drama team whose hair keeps changing color. Like Tonks."
"Well, looks like he's moving from one midget to the next." Looking up at her girlfriend, still in heels, "I don't know how you came into play."
"Huh?"
"Nothing."
"But if Artie dumps Genevieve, won't she be sad?"
"Not my problem." When Brittany pouted, Santana firmly replied, "Hey, I did my due diligence. She's not my problem." Seeing her girlfriend still in a state of melancholy, she added, "Besides, a certain Canary told me she was looking to get into the superhero game." This was enough to brighten Brittany's mood, so the couple walked hand-in-hand out of the theater.
Meanwhile, Tina and Mike were also watching Artie.
"He's got an Asian fetish. I cannot believe I dated him. Someone's race should not factor so much into your dating preferences."
Mike remarked, "So, my mom found your parents. We're all going for dim sum later."
"Cool."
: : :
Back in the choir room, Will and Holly calmed the excited crowd.
"Okay, guys, listen up. I'm really proud of you guys. We raised over half of the cost to Nationals."
Rachel was deflated. "We didn't make enough?"
"No, we'd have to have filled the auditorium to do that. But don't worry; we'll raise the rest. We'll hold bake sales. We'll hold car washes. We'll sell salt-water taffy. Whatever it takes."
"Or we might try something cool," Holly sing-songed.
"Or we may let Ms. Holliday being the idea man," Will acknowledged.
Puck raised his hand and Will reluncantly called on him. "So, I've got this package which I have to get to its destination by her curfew, I mean, deadline, so I'm heading out." He and Mike picked up a lumpy sack and headed to the door.
"Dismissed, I guess," Will noted.
: : :
Sue paced back and forth in the principal's office. "I'm surrounded by imbeciles!"
Terri, who was sitting in a chair between two empty ones, remarked, "So, the failures aren't actually here."
"That remains to be determined."
"I don't suppose you have Sergeant Handsome's contact information?"
"Listen up, Honey Badger, you're my last hope. You'll be showing me what you've got."
Not masking her bored expression, Terri replied, "I don't see why you're going through all this effort, given the real motives behind this little vendetta."
"I don't recall giving you permission to speak. And you were never meant to see my notes."
"You left your little diary open on your desk. I'm a naturally nosy person. It's not a personality flaw."
"I gotta ask, Delmonico, now that you know what I'm planning on doing your ex-husband, are you still in?"
"More than ever," Terri answered.
A/N: You don't have to say anything. Yes, there was an ungodly wait between chapters. And, yes, just like the original, this chapter was a hot mess. I had to beat most of these storylines into submission. Anyway, in reality, I did set up all the storylines that I'm going to introduce in the next few chapters. And due to the difficulty in getting this to come together, it also took a long time. The next few chapters will not be so.
So, I know these past couple of chapters haven't been Brittana-heavy—they haven't been Brittana-light, either!—but I had to get Regionals out of the way. And this chapter was meant to be about characters and relationships that I've been neglecting. We'll get back to your regularly scheduled Brittana in the next chapter.
A thousand apologies if Zira's dialogue is atrocious. I tried to research British slang, I really did, but it's something that isn't easily Googled. And since Miss Burke seems not to be a football fan, I'm making Zira a Man United fan.
So, I hid a lot of genius jokes in the soccer scene. I don't expect you to get them. And I don't expect those who tried to research it to get even half. But I'll dole out points to my astute readers as necessary.