Hephaestion leaned on the railing, staring off into the distance at faint flashes of faraway lightning. He did not really feel like sitting. "It is so beautiful here," he said softly.

Alexander came to stand beside him, just close enough that their shoulders were touching. He was in awe, as usual, at just how beautiful Hephaestion really was. He so desperately wanted to take him in his arms, but he was afraid to say or do anything, terrified that Hephaestion would turn and walk out of his life forever. He knew he deserved nothing more. "It is, Phai. I love to stand here at night. It seems so peaceful. Everything seems so far away. Gaugamela seems like a distant memory." He sighed deeply. "So much has happened to us since then."

Hephaestion turned towards Alexander, to find the dark eyes studying him carefully. For a few moments, neither spoke. The tension in the air crackled as much as the distant lightning.

"Alexander, before we go any further, I need to know something."

"What is it, Phai?"

Hephaestion turned his gaze back towards the city. "Do you love me?"

Alexander grasped his arm and turned him around to face him. He looked surprised. "How can you ask me that, Hephaestion? You know that I do!" He reached to touch Hephaestion's face, but hesitated. He was still afraid to do much of anything. "Did I not tell you that you were the only one I loved? Did I not say that I would be with you always? Of course I love you!"

Hephaestion said nothing, but his mouth tightened slightly as he broke their gaze. He wanted to believe that.

"Phai…" Alexander said, almost in a whisper, "Why do you ask me this? Do you not believe me?"

Hephaestion turned around, pouring himself another cup of wine and dropping wearily into a chair. He looked into the eyes of his best friend with a hard stare. "Then why?"

Alexander was lost. "Why….what? Hephaestion, what are you talking about?"

Hephaestion felt his hurt and frustration building. "Alexander, when was the last time we were together, as lovers? Even just as friends?"

Alexander didn't answer for a moment, looking down sadly. "It has been a while…" he said, almost in a whisper. He sank down in the chair next to Hephaestion.

"It has been well over a month. And before that? How long?"

Alexander looked down at his feet, saying nothing. It was silent. Hephaestion was waiting for an answer. He couldn't give one. "Honestly, Phai… I do not remember."

"Exactly. So tell me, then, how long has it been since you have shared your bed with Bagoas?"

Alexander jerked his head up, stiffening his spine in a defensive posture. "Hephaestion..." he began in a warning tone.

Hephaestion held up his hand to stop him. "No. Let me tell you, Alexander. It was the night before your little drunken meltdown. And before that? Almost every night, except for when you went to be with Roxane. I would say the only reason you have not been with Bagoas recently is because I threatened the boy to stay away from you. I am quite frankly surprised you have not ordered him back to your bed." His voice was filled with bitterness. "He seems to please you more than I. I do not know who else you have bedded, and I am not sure I even care." He rose from the chair and walked to the balcony, turning around to face Alexander. "It seems that my place in your life has been made abundantly clear."

Alexander stood, his arms crossed over his chest. "Bagoas, Bagoas. Always Bagoas. Why can you not let that go? You did not seem to mind at first. As for Roxane, you know I have a duty to her. She is my wife. I need an heir. That is simple. You, my dear Hephaestion, cannot give me that."

Hephaestion was growing angry. "Gods, Alexander! I am not stupid! I do not begrudge you an heir. I am not so selfish that I would wish to deny you that. I may not agree with your choice of a wife, but that is irrelevant at this point." He paused to calm himself slightly. "As for Bagoas, I was never okay with it. Yes, I have minded from the very beginning. As usual, I held my tongue because I wanted to avoid this sort of drama, but it seems as if that did not work. When you began taking him to your bed most nights, I again held my tongue." He paused again, his eyes full of hurt mixed with anger. "Since all that began, I have been nothing to you but another of your generals, your secretary, and the one you dump all of your administrative crap on. You have not given me a second thought so long as my work was done."

"How in Hades do you know what I am thinking, Hephaestion? Are you an oracle? If you knew my mind, you would know that is not true. I love you, how many times do I have to say it?"

Hephaestion shook his head. "You still do not get it. You may say it all you like, but your actions do not reflect your words." He tilted his head slightly, studying Alexander's face. "Let me ask you this. What is it you expect of me? I am not speaking of work. I mean, me personally, our relationship. How do you expect me to behave towards you? What do you expect me to do in relation to 'us'?"

Alexander was silent. He really wasn't sure what to say. He had, frankly, never stopped to think about it. Hephaestion had always just been there when he needed him, every step of the way, in whatever capacity he needed. When he wanted to spend intimate time with him, he had never been turned away. Hephaestion was…well, he just WAS. He did not like being put on the spot about this. "I do not know what to say, Hephaestion."

Hephaestion nodded. "I did not think that you would. And that is why I ask it. I would like you to think about that. I have reached a point where I cannot continue with things as they are. I have tried to tell you, tried to explain, and so far, your reaction each time has been to get angry and defensive with me. If I cannot talk to you, then we truly are doomed. Surely you see that."

Alexander wavered between panic and frustration. "What do you want me to say, Phai?"

"Only the truth. Your answer will decide where I go from here."

Irritation seemed to win out for the moment. "Maybe I should ask what it is you expect of ME? How do you expect me to behave, Hephaestion? What do you want from me exactly?"

Hephaestion sighed and spoke softly. "I expect only your love and respect. Flaunting that slave in front of me, ignoring me night after night, not even taking time to talk as friends…these actions show that you do not respect me or my feelings. It shows that you take me for granted. It shows that you value me much less than you once did. I do not expect you to devote all your time to me. I do not expect you to forgo having an heir. I am not naïve enough to expect that you will never have any lovers besides me. What I do expect, though, is for you to not treat me as an afterthought. It is almost as if you say to yourself 'oh yes, no one else is available at the moment, so I will have Hephaestion now'. And you expect me to drop everything and come running."

Alexander went to interrupt, but Hephaestion held up his hand to stop him. "No...let me finish, Alexander. I need you to truly listen to what I am telling you."

Alexander nodded silently, his posture still defensive.

"You expect me to be there immediately if and when you want me, but those times have been few and far between these days. Am I expected to simply sit alone until you send for me, like some slave boy? I am lonely, Alexander. I have been for quite some time, so I find someone to share my bed and whose company I enjoy, and you blow up at me. I need companionship as much as you do. This is not about sex, Alexander, though it is a part of it. I will admit, the thing with Cassander was deliberate. I wanted you to feel the way that I feel when you bed anyone who catches your eye. I wanted you to hurt as I do. Yes, it was for revenge of sorts. That my behavior has stooped to that level appalls me. I have always been above that sort of thing, yet here I am."

He stopped to take a breath. Alexander's face was devoid of emotion, so Hephaestion could not tell at all how he was feeling. It frustrated him.

"Have you ever stopped to think about what I want or need? Your dreams have always been my dreams. I have followed you without question, happy to share in this dream of yours. But have you ever bothered to ask if I had dreams of my own? Has it ever occurred to you that I may have goals and desires of my own? I daresay you have not."

He took a deep breath, looking at Alexander sadly.

"It comes down to this, Alexander. You need to figure out exactly what it is you expect of me and what you want me to do. If I cannot live with your expectations, then I will request to leave and return to Macedon. You are the king; you could order me to stay. But you cannot order me to give myself to you as I always have. You do not have that right."

Alexander felt like he had been kicked in the gut. His anger had been replaced by a sick feeling that chilled his blood.

"Hephaestion…I…" he sighed. "This is not how I wanted this evening to go."

Hephaestion nodded. "I know, Alexander. You expected that you could woo me with your words of love and flattery, and seduce me with your kisses. No. Not this time. I will not give you that. I will not simply drop the matter and return to how things have been because you make love to me. No more. You have to decide, what is it you want? If it is me, then things must change significantly. If I am not what you want any longer, then you need to set me free. I cannot live this way anymore. The decision is yours. I will say that I fear what will happen to you without me. I do not mean that to sound arrogant, but I have seen how you have reacted before when you thought you had lost me. Do not think I am not aware of the consequences my leaving would have, but I cannot stay simply out of guilt. If I leave, your problems will be your own. I will not be around to fix everything for you. Bear that in mind."

Hephaestion stood in front of Alexander and gave him a wistful smile. "I love you, Alexander. I always have, and I always will. It is your turn to decide what you really want. I will take my leave of you now. Think long and hard about what I have said. Come to me when you have given the matter some thought and decide what you expect of me. Health to you, my king." He turned on his heel and walked silently out the door.

To Alexander, it felt like he was walking not only out of the room, but also out of his life.

For the first time in longer than he could remember, Alexander was truly afraid.