Chapter 21

I exhale and breath back in with my eyes still closed, but there is nothing. Did I fall asleep? I was so tired from last night. I breath in again.

Eric's smell is gone. The computers have stopped buzzing, the chair is no longer cold beneath my arms and shoulders. I sit up and open my eyes but I am engulfed in darkness. I suck in another breath quickly hoping this time I can smell something but I can't. Again and again I suck in quickly but there's nothing there, and I realize too late that I am having trouble breathing.

I try to focus on something else but there is nothing else. I don't know where I am but it is definitly not Dauntless headquarters. I try to stand up but I can't find the ground, I can't even feel what I am sitting on.

Am I sitting?

Am I floating?

I don't know, focusing on something else is not helping, my breathing is coming in small short gasps. Where am I? My hair is standing up on the back of my neck. I am shivering but it's not cold, it's not warm, my body covers with goosebumps. What's happening?

There is no wind, no rain. Am I inside?

I extend my right hand, theres nothing there. No ground, no wall. I am leaning on nothing. I sure by now my breaths would be so short and spastic that I should be getting dizzy, but I can't even tell. I need to focus on something else. I wave my hands in front of my face, I even get so close that I poke my eye, but there is no pain.

Am I even a person?

My thoughts are running circles, but I can't make sense of anything.

Finally, I hear something and stop moving to figure out what it is. It takes me far to long to understand it is my own sobs. I couldn't even tell that I was crying? What was happening?

"Be brave, Clair."

I could be brave, but there was nothing to fight, to argue with, to understand.

What could I do?

Calm down. He said I had to control my breathing and my heart rate. Easier said the done. I was fast forgetting how to feel, to see, to smell, to breath. I was still crying though, so I forced my breaths out longer with each sob, to prolong them, to control them. I started to take deeper breaths with each cry. Slowly the pounding in my chest went down. Once I could feel that I felt the fist holding my guts release.

I could breath.

I blinked and when I opened my eyes again I was back in Dauntless. I cried out at the blinding lights and the noise of the computers. I sat up and wiggle against the metal char, letting my hand drag across it. Next his smell hit me at the same time I heard his voice.

"You're out, you can relax. Well done, you're out." Eric.

I couldn't help myself, relieved my hands fist in his shirt and I pulled myself forwards, closer. Breathing deeply, I could see the plain black shirt just like most dauntless wear. So it takes me too long to rememeber who he is and that I shouldn't be crossing these boundries. My fists loosen and I force myself to pull back again. I keep my eyes lowered on the shirt, and grip either side of the cold chair I am sitting on. I sit long enough for Eric to start pulling the wires off of me and the metal to become the same temperture as my hands, so I slide them forward a bit to feel a cold spot again, before looking up and meeting his eyes.

There is no expression on his face for which I am thankful. Pity, anger, amusement. None of those would have made me feel very good right now. I doubt anything could make me feel very good right now. "What was that?" I ask.

He shrugs and moves a bucket I had only just seen on the edge of the table. "It's your fear. I have no idea what it means. Sometimes they are obvious. Sometimes not. You could either say you are afraid of nothing, which I doubt, or nothingness, or being alone. The list can go on, only you can know and figure out the best way to face your fears for yourself. " I'm still staring at the bucket. "Throw up bucket, everyone reacts differently to the serum and simulations."

I scoot to the edge of the chair to try and step down but my muscles are feeling very unsteady. It felt like I hadn't used them in days. "How long was I in there?" My eyes widen. "The other initiates, what did you tell them for how long I was taking?"

Now there is emotion on Erics face and he laughs. He laughs. "Nothing." He says. "You were only in there for just under nine minutes. You were one of the faster ones today. Depending on the fear it can take longer but throughout stage two they overall start to get quicker as you learn to work through them. Different fears play out, in no particular order. You might get the same one three days in a row, you might get a different one everyday."

I don't say anything, it had felt like an entirnity in there. Was that part of my fear? I slide right off the chair and stand, wavering slightly from the dull achy feeling in my muscles. Eric puts his arm around my back so I don't fall and I lean into the warmth. Not even nine minutes and I am left feeling like this? We'll go through that everyday. That's insane. "That's insane." I repeat out loud, for his benefit.

He starts walking me towards the back door and once we reach it I am able to stand on my own. I pull away and open the door to step through, pausing when I turn to shut it behind me. He has already moved back across the room towards the other door, he did it so quick. I look down the dark hallway ahead of me now and shut the door, leaning against it for a second before continuing on my own. The halllway lightened up a bit and opened up into another hallway that was lit periodically by lamps on the wall. I turned left at random as I didn't recognize the hallway but a minunte later I knew where I was and was able to get back to the dorms with no issue.

I sit quietly on my bed taking in everything around me. Initiates are trickling into the room. I listen in on the conversations, which I had never done before in my life. I can't help myself, I just want to hear. There's nothing interesting until Peter comes in with some papers and starts loudly reading out excerpts, to gather attention. There's even a few dauntless born in here now. It's not sounding good. I don't know what his fear was but he looks fine, and I certainly don't feel fine. I feel weak, weaker then I ever have in my life.

The feeling only intensifies when he gets to a part about my father, about my life. I can't move. I can't deny it, because it's true and I am not so great at lying. I can't face him because I am alone, and I don't feel up to a fight.

"What?" Suddenly someone speaks over Peter. Tris. Her father had been mentioned as well. As soon as Peter saw her his eyes lit with malicious glee and he started in on another one solely about her family. She tries to take the paper from him but he twists away. I finally gain enough sense of self and jump down from my bunk, I try to rip the paper from Peter's hands as well but he just steps back. Tris storms forward and when he lifts it above her head she instantly lifts her foot and stomps her heel right on his foot. She turns and jumps at Molly, so when Peter goes for her back I charge at him.

Someone bigger and stronger then me is pulling on my arms, and I am powerless and too tired to stop it so I let myself be dragged out of the room. In the hallway I rip away and face Al, who had pulled me out. Will comes out behind us with Tris still struggling a second later.

"What?" Tris demands of Will after she pulls away. "Did you think I couldn't defend myself against that piece of Candor trash?"

"No," Will says keeping his calm. He blocks the door so neither Tris or I could get through. "I figured I'd stop you from starting a brawl in the dormitory. Calm down."

Tris gets a little hysterical at being told to calm down, but I feel to tired, to drained of energy to do anything.

"Calm down? That's my family they're talking about, that's my faction!"

"No it's not."

I look down, I don't know why I can't feel even an inkling of the rage that Tris feels. It was my faction too. I should be outraged.

"They're calling for an overthrow of the entire government!" Tris continues. Then they are bickering about the quality of Erudite members. I turn to Al, he is still watching them argue. Christina comes out of the room and stands beside Will.

"It's my turn to get a tattoo." She states, changing the subject completely. "I've had it booked for a week. Who's coming?"

And Tris backs down. Her rage is gone, she smoothes her hair and steps back away from the dormitory. She was so mad, and now nothing? I felt rage for Abnegation in her place, if she wouldn't someone should. I should go back in there and make them shut their mouths. I almost worked up enough energy to do so but Al wrapped his arm around me again and I was walking with the others towards the pit. Normally I would have shrugged Al off, but I was still feeling off over my fear simulation so I let it go. I was just craving touch right now, having never craved that before I had no idea what to do with that feeling. Usually it was the opposite, it just felt weird to want it.

We made it to the tattoo parlour, and Christina talked Tris into getting a tatto with her. She still hasn't said anything to me. Al, Will, and Tris have been normal. But Christina not so much. She was distant now. Being in her presence without her talking my ear off was discerning so once the others were distracted with getting their tattoos I walked out. Still not wanting to be alone I stayed in the pit, finding a table and grabbing a drink. There was some music playing, and some people dancing. I was happy enough to just watch and listen. I sat for a long time, just people watching. My watch told me it was almost time for supper, I hadn't been feeling too hungry at lunch and had stayed here for most ofthe afternoon, hidden in a corner. Deciding to go to the cafeteria I got up and stretch. I had sat for way too long.

Scanning the cafeteria when I arrived I decided to sit with my brother, it was a bold move but I just wanted to sit with him for a bit. Zeke was across form him at the table, with Shauna and Lauren. The girls stared at me for a second when I sat next to him but Zeke launched into a conversation about computer commands that meant absolutely nothing to any one but him and Four, and I was so incredibly grateful. Not only was he taking their minds off me he was holding my focus on something meaningless.

"So," Someones tray was put next to me and I turned to watch Levi sit down. He plops a fry in his mouth and grins. Zeke groans and Four nudges me to try and make me turn away but now I'm curious. "How was your first fear?" He asks.

"Ignore him." My brother says. "Hes a callous bastard who thinks the fear simulations are fun."

"They are fun." Levi says, almost with a slight pout, before turning back to me. "Aren't they? What did you get to do. Skydiving? Swimming? Shooting?"

I lean backwards and into my brothers arm, was he serious. The looks from the others at the table told me he was. He probably wouldn't stop bugging me about it either. "Tell me yours first." I said.

"Well, my first fear I was naked in the market sqaure. But I squished that one pretty quick when I went to market day in the square, naked." He grins some more and I'm pretty sure there's a crazy glint in his eye. "So, what was your's, and what are you going to do about it."

I look around the table again, there's a few faces I don't know, but everyone is waiting for my answer. It was a game to them. They wanted to see how I would react, and the question implies that I should be fighting my fear. I hadn't thought about that. I just accepted it, but I could rework it. "Nothing." I answered him.

"If you don't want to tell me that's fine, but don't lie about it." He scoffed.

"No, really, nothing. Like. Nothingness. Black." I elaborate, but my palms get sweaty just thinking about it and I don't want to think about it anough to come up with a better explanation. Then they all go off into conversations about their own fears and what they did about them. Some good ideas actually. They all got over the anxiety of it enough to talk and think it through which is probably what helped them through it. I settle in and listen to them all. Four stays next to me even when he has finished eating, and he isn't contributing to the conversation. I look at him questioningly but he just raises an eyebrow and smirks at me.

The conversation turns towards jobs after initiation and while I really should start thinking about that I can only handle getting through stage two right now, so I politely excuse myself before I start to sag at the table. Four follows me out and when I look back at the table before exiting the room I see Eric has taken my place next to Levi and they are already laughing about something. I keep going and my brother keeps pace beside me.

"You OK?" He asks.

"No." I say honestly. "My fear was something that I hadn't expected, but theres a fear that I am dreading to appear now. As soon as he explained what the seruem was doing my mind jumped to it, I almost wish it had been that because then I wouldn't be anticipating it."

He smiles sadly. "I know."

But he doesn't and that only makes it worse. I knew what he was expecting me to be thinking of, but that was only a secondary fear. Or a third if you count today's. Or however many fears I may actually have. There was a prominent one that I had nightmares about regularly, that he didn't know about. And I wasn't about to tell him. It would be painful to have Eric watch it when I went through it, but not as painful as my brother seeing it. He couldn't ever see my fears, I didn't want him to know.

So I change my answer. "Yes." He raises his eyebrows. "I will be OK, anyways. You are right? I'll work through it. It will be fine. No worries." His nose crinkles, he doesn't believe me but he isn't going to push it tonight. He walks me almost all the way to my dorm, saying goodnight one hallway away.

I step inside to see Al alone on his bed, and Peter and Drew sitting together by the bathroom, but neither are talking. Maybe today did affect Peter and he just hid it better before. Opening my locker I see my running shoes, and debate for a moment to put them on and go for a run. In the end my exhaustion wins out. I'm pretty sure I ddin't sleep at all last night. Even though it's not even seven o'clock I change into a large shirt and climb up into my bunk. Curled on my left side, facing away from the door so I can see Peter and Drew, I wiggle against the rough sheets an blankets. I never thought they would feel so luxerious. After today, feeling just felt good. I try to close my eyes several times but everytime I do I panic at the darkness. I am so tired, but unable to sleep. I must lie there for an hour, staring at the light. I rub my cheek into my pillow, but still when I hear Tris, Christina, and Will come in. I don't turn to aknowledge them and instead burrow deeper into my blanket. Will and Tris are talking about Tris' new tattoo while Christina goes to have a shower, not a good idea with a new tattoo but I wasn't going to stop her. With their muffled conversation below me I let my eyes close, and see the white spots behind my lids from the lights. Those little speckles hadn't been there in my fear. It had been pure darkess. Wrapped in my blanket surrounded byconversations in the room, I drifted into an uneasy sleep.

The next morning I woke up on my own, at my usual time. My sleep had been rough and uneven, but I had been slacking and some routine might help how I was feeling. I rolled off the bed, put on some comforrtable running clothes and turned towards the door. I didn't even take a full step away before I halted in place. Tris hadn't moved but I should wake her, she wants to train as much as I do, and she always took the time for me. I turned back and gently shook her shoulder, she woke up and swatted my hand away. Once she realized that it was me, the light from the bathroom not being very bright, she pulled back.

"I was just wondering if you wanted to come for a run with me, but it looks like your reflexes are still good." I smiled and she relaxed a bit.

"Yes, I would love too." She was ready as quickly as I had been and we were out the door. We kept it light and easy, and then went for breakfast. Once we finished eating there was still enough time to shower still. We were both quick, and my hair was still wet when we found ourselves sitting in the same hallway as yesterday. We were directed to sit on the same side as we did yesterday, and soon enough Eric and Four started pulling all the initiates in one by one. I was the second to go in, since we weren't doing it in the same order as yesterday. I got up walked into the room, sitting down on the chair without prompting. I didn't move or say anything as Eric attached the wires just as he did yesterday.

"All you have to do is calm down, control your breathing." Was all he said to me before injecting the seruem into my neck. I stared straight ahead at the ceiling, but a minute later I was no longer in the small room.

It was still a small room, but this one was drab and grey. Abnegation. I knew this was coming. I turned around to see the bed under the tiny window had two blankets on it. I was in my own room, I have always enjoyed the heavy comfort of an extra blanket on me to sleep. I stay where I am as I try to think how this fear will play out. The longer I stand, the more I think, and the worse my anticipation gets. I don't wait long, a door slams from downstairs and my instincts tell me that it was the front door.

I still didn't move, my lungs emptied and chest constricted painfully without more air being sucked in. I worked so hard to be in Dauntless, to be out of here, and I had to live it still? The dull thuds I can hear alert me to someone walking up the stairs.

Breath. Just breath.

I repeat my mantra until I manage to suck in a shaky breath, my lungs expanding in relief. I can do this. I could handle it for years, what's once more?

Or hundreds more. My traitorous mind reminds me, knowing we had weeks of this training left. Training? Tourture. The footsteps are now on the upstairs hallway.

"Hello?" I try to call out assertively but my voice cracks and betrays me. I clear my throat and try again. "Hello!"

The door is flung open in response, and slams into the wall behind it leaving a large dent that I can see as the force of it makes it close just a bit. Not enough to shut out the person standing there, but I focus on the wall because if I look at them in my doorway I would panic. I don't have a choice, however, as the familiar figure steps into the room. Into my line of sight.

"Where's your brother?" He asks in a monotone voice.

"I don't know." I reply quietly.

"Don't lie to me!" He screams in contrast to his earlier question and I flinch back in fear. My legs hit the bed and I sit on it thankfully, my muscles not capable to hold me up anymore. His presence in the room is paralyzing I close my eyes to try and make myself think straight instead of focusing what was infront of me.

"I'm not," I all but whimper. There's no response and when open my eyes again he's not there, but the panic building in my belly doubles and I jump up and fly down the hall. He's reaching the next room, my brothers room. I don't think this time, acting on instinct I charge at my father's taller form and while I don't topple him he stumbles back, away from Tobias' room and it is enough of an accomplishment for me to do it again. And again.

I go to to do it a fourth time but the scenery changes and I am back in Dauntless. My mind is still trying to follow through, my limbs heavy I try to push up off the chair but once I see where I am I stop, and stay seated, head between my bent knees.

"Use the bucket if you need to puke." Eric's voice interupted my racing thoughts.

I didn't move right away but when I did I reached up to feel my very slightly, still damp hair. Meeting Erics eyes I ask, "That was really only a few minutes?"

He nods at me. "Seven minutes and twenty-six seconds, to be exact."

I didn't feel like being exact, but I felt a little better about it. I was quicker than yesterday. I kept staring at him, wondering if he was going to say anything. He said he could see my fears. The was no indication on his face that he saw one of my deepest fears being my own father. It made me wonder what his fears were, if that didn't phase him. Or maybe some of the other initiates. I unattached the four wires and passed them to him, before sliding off the overlarge chair. Just as I did yesterday I paused in the doorway to look back and saw that he was already at the pther door looking for the next person.

I only hope his reaction is as mild when my nightmare pops up, because I know it will. I am only surprised that it hasn't yet. Being finished for the day much earlier then I had been yesterday, I fgured I would try to find something to do, to keep my mind occupied. I felt better then yesterday too. My fear of nothing, no senses, lingered more painfully then the one I had lived all my life. I was used to that one, the other one was something new for my brain to pick on, and so far I did not like how it felt, or more accurately, didn't feel. I didn't know what I wanted to do but was saved from having to think about it when Uriah appeared somewhere from my right. He had gone ahead of me, and looked as eager as I did to take my mind off things. Together we headed towards the pit, with him excitedly telling me about some fight club that I hadn't heard about before. It made sense though, I was Dauntless now after all.