+ Warnings: Nude picture-taking, a proposal…

+ A/N: I'm slowly losing the will to live… I have so many stories to plan and write, that I fear that I'll never get them done. I need lots of time off work to get them done, I think… Too bad I don't have any weeks off until the end of May… Boo.

Chronicles Of Max

Chapter 21: But My Penis Is A Very Good Model!

Thursday 24th April '08

7.30 in the am

I was rudely awoken by something wet and slimy going across my cheek, this morning. You might be thinking, 'oh, Mariam's licked him' or something.

You are wrong if you are thinking that.

The wet and slimy thing was Tyson's penis.

A minute later

I don't want to know why it was wet and slimy. It just doesn't bear thinking about.

A minute later

I nearly chopped it off once I was up. Tyson was laughing like mad, but I was not amused.

Breakfast

8.05 in the am

Someone please explain to me WHY we've been given gravy as breakfast by the dinner ladies. I didn't want gravy. I wanted Coco Pops. Though, I suppose they're the same colour…

Tyson is happily slurping on his.

The rest of us are kind of staring at our bowls of gravy, and then at each other in a kind of 'what the fuck are the dinner ladies thinking' kind of way.

This is one of those times we could do with McFahrt sitting at our table, so we can complain to her about the shittiness of the school meals. As it is, she is not with us today. "Elaine's got some parents coming in early to see the school," Bryan had said.

'Elaine'.

Honestly.

It makes me sick.

A minute later

I might be wrong. It might just be these 'meals' that are making me sick…

Art

9.50 in the am

Lawks a mercy! A class that isn't Biology! Haha.

A minute later

Kai is doing something most peculiar. Well, not as peculiar as some of the other things he has done in the past, but still pretty odd.

He is sat on Tala's lap (I'd love to know how they get away with this shit in class…), and he keeps randomly wiggling. It makes Tala moan, so Kai stops. Then Tala stops moaning, so Kai starts wiggling again.

It's very distracting.

Which is bad, as the teacher is trying to explain to us how the very expensive, high-tech digital cameras that cost about £1000 to replace work…

I will not be held responsible if any of the cameras get broke.

A minute later

"Kai! Will you stop wiggling on me! You've given me a hard-on!"

Oh yeah, Tala. Because that was discreet…

5 minutes later

The teacher has handed out the very expensive, high-tech digital cameras that cost about £1000 to replace out to groups… Guess who I'm sharing one with?

You are probably correct.

Tyson, Mariam (I have a class with her!), Tala, Kai and… Lee.

Lee is wearing clothes.

5 minutes later

"WE SHOULD TAKE PICTURES OF TALA'S ERECTION!" Kai yelled.

"No, Kai. We really shouldn't," Mariam sat, patting him on the head.

"Why not?" Tala piped up, getting ready to unzip his fly.

"Because I don't think that's what the teacher is looking for…" I said.

"But my penis is a very good model!"

"We're not saying it isn't a good penis or whatever, we're just saying that the teacher might not appreciate it!" Mariam insisted.

A very bad thing has happened. Kai has snatched the camera out of my capable hands, Tala has got his erection out, and Kai is now taking close-up shots of it. The poor teacher…

"We should all get naked!" Kai said excitedly.

"NO!" me, Mariam and Tyson shouted at the same time.

Lee said nothing but started to undress.

He would.

A minute later

HE IS WEARING THAT BLASTED MANKINI AGAIN!

Seriously, does he never take it off?!

5 minutes later

"Lee, do a dramatic pose! Put your leg up on the chair, your hands on your hips, and puff your chest out!" Tala demanded, snatching the camera from Kai's grasp.

Lee did so.

Oh my God.

"Lee, I'd put your leg down if I were you," I advised him.

"Yeah, man. Your balls are hanging out," Tyson said, rubbing his bump. "And baby does not approve."

"Baby can't see them, so it's okay," Lee said, keeping his leg up on the chair, puffing his chest out some more, and leaving his balls dangling.

Mariam has her back turned.

The poor girl has been traumatised.

A minute later

"Spread your legs a bit, Lee!" Tala said.

"No, don't!" Mariam squealed.

"Rub your nipples!" Kai giggled.

"Why have these turned into porn shots?!" I yelled.

The whole class is watching us.

"Because I am a sexy beast," Lee replied to me, scratching his balls. Eww.

"Okay, okay. Tyson, let's take pictures of your bump!" Kai said excitedly, yanking up Tyson's t-shirt.

I suppose that isn't so bad…

2 minutes later

This is no longer photographing art. This has turned into photographing random shit. Kai and Tala have taken a picture of all our feet, there's one shot of up Kai's nose, there's a shot of my ear, a shot of Mariam's eyes, a shot of Tyson's left nipple, and a shot of Kai's arse.

Needless to say, his arse has taken up the whole shot.

Because it is huge.

10.30 in the am

The teacher is projecting our photos onto the white screen thing.

You have no idea how odd it is to see my ear enlarged, and up on a big screen.

But this also shows how big Kai's butt is.

A minute later

Oh God.

Tala's erection is showing up there, now.

The teacher is staring at it.

"Hands off, bitch," Kai growled under his breath.

A minute later

Now she's flicking through all the photos of Lee in his mankini.

"These are very nice boys. A very good example of live models," the teacher said, 'accidentally' returning to the picture of Tala's erection.

"'Boys'? Is she forgetting I have boobs and a vagina?" Mariam hissed under her breath.

"Nicely put," Lee muttered back, now fully dressed again.

"I wish she'd stop staring at my penis," Tala frowned. "It's getting awfully uncomfortable for me."

Lunch

12.06 in the pm

The dinner ladies have given us gravy for lunch… Are they on a budget or something? Only Kai seems remotely excited about the gravy.

"I'M A GRAVY DINOSAUR! RAWR!" he shouted, jumping up, and flicking a spoonful of gravy at the back of Johnny's head.

"HIWATARI! You'll fucking pay for that!" Johnny yelled, standing up, and launching his bowlful of gravy at Kai, who ducked so it hit Lee in the face (he was just turning around from the next table to see what was going on), causing him to strip down to his mankini, and throw his gravy at Johnny, who ducked so it hit Oliver who was opposite.

Oliver didn't retaliate.

He just cried.

"Why do you start these things, Kai?" Mariam asked exasperatedly.

"Because it's fun," Kai replied, shrugging.

"Hello," a squeaky voice said.

We all looked up, expecting to see Kenny returning from the dead or something.

Imagine our surprise when we saw it was actually Bryan who had turned squeaky. He looked very pale, too. As though he was about to throw up.

"What's the matter with you?" Tala asked him.

"Nervous," he replied, looking down into his bowl of gravy.

"Where's Spencer?" Tyson asked Bryan.

Bryan shrugged.

"Oh, didn't we tell you? Spencer ditched us today for Emily," Tala piped up. "He said that she's 'a very intellectual person, with a great personality, and a charming smile' and that he 'wanted to get to know her, because she seemed like a great person who seemed to share an interest in Henry'. His words. Not mine."

"She's a bitch," I growled.

"She is," Mariam nodded.

"Spencer seems to like her," Tala shrugged, feeding a spoonful of gravy to Kai.

Me and Mariam exchanged dark glances.

5 minutes later

McFahrt has arrived, and we all decided to launch into a rant about the gravy.

"Elai- Mrs. McFahrt! Are you a Mrs or a Miss? Who cares… Why are the dinner ladies giving us gravy?!" Tyson shouted.

"McFahrt… They gave us gravy for breakfast," I said.

"ELAINE! ELAINE! I FUCKING KNOW YOUR FIRST NAME, ELAINE!" Kai yelled happily.

"Will you all calm the fuck down?!" McFahrt said a bit stroppily, plonking her fat arse next to Bryan. Surely she can't say that? "The dinner ladies had too much gravy delivered, so they're trying to get rid of it."

Too much delivered?

Why do they order gravy in the first place? Can't they just make it themselves?

And where do they order their gravy from?

'It's All Groovy Gravy'?

Why am I thinking about this?

A minute later

An odd thing is occurring before my very eyes.

And no, it's not Tyson giving birth. Though, I really wish he would. He looks as though he's about to burst.

But back to the current oddity.

Bryan has gotten down on one knee.

Bryan has pulled a little box out of his pocket.

Everyone is watching him…

Is he going to ask what I think he's going to ask?

A minute later

"Elaine, will you marry me?"

WHAAAT?!

Everyone stared at each other in shock.

"You can't ask me that! I'm your head teacher!" McFahrt replied, but looking very pleased and very red., and staring at the sparkly ring being held out to her.

"So what? It does stop me from banging into you hard and fast, just the way you like it," Bryan replied.

Please God, no images.

Please.

No images.

Please.

PLEASE!

… I fucking hate you, God.

"So, will you marry me?" Bryan re-asked his question, and tilting his head so that it almost looking cute.

"Of course I'll marry you, you fucking mad, Russian psychopath!" McFahrt replied.

The rest of the canteen burst into applause, as our table watched on in shock as Bryan slipped the sparkly ring onto McFahrt's fingers, and they snogged.

Eww… They're snogging.

A/N: Fucking Hell…

Wasn't that sweet? XD