September 1993-September 1994
She was going to the city more and more. Everyday or every night, she would drive into the city towards Monica's apartment. She watched as the bar turned into a coffee house called, Central Perk. She kept wanting to go inside, so many times she would try to talk herself into it. She couldn't and she'd end up turning around and driving home. Everything felt so much grayer now. Nothing felt right and her world felt like it was getting smaller and smaller. That first Thanksgiving at The Lake House restaurant with her family and Barry's felt quieter. There was wedding discussion but she did not care. She cared less and less. As 1993 turned to 1994 and the wedding date got closer and closer, she felt like she was going through the motions. She was happy to let others plan. It just didn't matter to her. The ceremony was going to be at the Crest Hollow Country Club, she had decided on a pink theme with lilies as centerpieces. Everything felt pointless.
Rachel was shocked when she saw him. It was 1994 now and May, about a week after her twenty fourth birthday. She was leaving her parents house after lunch with her mom who kept wanting to go over wedding things but she wasn't feeling up to it so she left and she was walking out, she saw Ross driving down her street. He stopped when he saw her and she walked towards his driver's side.
"What are you doing here?" Rachel asked when Ross rolled down the window.
"I was visiting my parents to talk to them about...well...my divorce."
"What?" Rachel asked.
"I got married and now I'm getting a divorce."
"Why? What happened?"
"My wife is a lesbian."
"Well, that'll do it," Rachel mused.
"Hey, do you wanna get lunch?"
"I just finished lunch with my mom but I could use a drink."
"Okay….margaritas at Magic Taco?" Ross asked.
"It's like you know me," Rachel grinned, Ross knew her deep love of margaritas and Mexican food. It surprised her how little Mexican food she ate now. It was like her favorite movie, some stuff she just hid. She got into her car and followed Ross to the Mexican restaurant at the end of the street and soon they sat across from each other, eating chips and drinking margaritas. Sitting there with him felt a little uncomfortable though, she hadn't seen or spoken to Ross since that day she had gone to the hospital and so much had happened in those years since.
"You're getting married," Ross said.
"Yeah. His name is Barry...he's...yeah...can't wait."
"You seem excited."
"It's just...it's been a hard year."
"How so?"
"You don't wanna hear this," Rachel said.
"Yeah, I do."
"Okay, last June, Barry's brother, Brian, took a handful of vicodin and oxy and swallowed it down with vodka and Brian was….was my best friend. He was...my everything. I miss him. A lot."
"Oh, Rach….I'm really sorry."
"No...he was gay and he was afraid to tell his family. I knew...but he was too afraid and as a result, his entire family including Barry thought we were sleeping together and it wasn't my place to tell people that. Brian and I would always talk and we would both joke that we were in some sort of prison….he couldn't get out of his," Rachel said, starting to cry again.
"Rachel."
"And in the last year...I've been just...I've been thinking...how much I screwed things up and how….how's Chandler? He took vicodin and oxy too, right?" Rachel asked.
"Yeah...but he's good. We celebrated his twenty fifth birthday last month. We ate a lot of mac and cheese and played beer pong. He has a roommate, Joey, he's awesome. He's an actor and Mon had a roommate, Phoebe who is...pretty amazing."
"Sounds fun."
"It is. You know, Monica would be happy to see you," Ross said.
"No, she wouldn't. I screwed that friendship up so badly. She probably hates me."
Ross let out a snort and shook his head. Rachel gave him a look, not understanding his reaction.
"Did you just meet Monica and I?" Ross asked, grinning at her.
"What?"
"Come on….you know us, it doesn't matter how much you screw up, you're always welcome back home."
"Really?"
"Monica would love to see you….and I think it would be kinda cool to see you more often."
"Chandler wouldn't wanna see me more often."
"No, probably not. He really doesn't like you."
"I know," Rachel said.
"You know, I never told him about you slashing his tired and covering his car with booze. I got the wheels fixed and the car washed before he could find out."
Rachel smiled at him and let out a sigh. She reached into her purse and pulled out her checkbook.
"How much did it cost?"
"You don't owe me money."
"How much did it cost?"
"$2,600."
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Rachel asked.
"It was a mint condition, right off the lot cherry red Corvette. They're not cheap."
Rachel groaned a little as she wrote a check and handed it to Ross. He folded it up and put it in wallet.
"He crashed it though," Rachel said.
"How did you know?"
"Well, Brian had seen it in the paper and he cut it out and gave it to me. I promise I won't make fun of him if I see him."
"Oh, you can make fun of him for that. I make fun of him for that. So does Monica….hell, Phoebe and Joey make fun of him for that and they didn't really know him yet. The man drove a car into a house."
"Who were the three passengers?"
"Me and two other friends whom we don't really keep in touch with anymore."
"No one was hurt."
"No. Hey, can I give you advice?" Ross asked.
"Yeah."
"Are you sure you wanna get married?"
"Yes."
"Okay….'cause if you're not completely sure then don't….'cause getting a divorce really, really sucks."
"It's not that easy."
"Divorce is tougher."
"What would I do?"
"Monica needs a roommate. I might need a roommate."
"I'm not living with you….although, it would be fun to live with Monica. I miss her," Rachel said as she took a sip of her margarita. She began to wonder what it would be like to live with Monica, to be part of her world and hang out with Monica's friends. It sounded fun to do something like that.
When Ross left, she felt sad again. She wanted to leave with him. She wanted to go where he was going but she remained in Long Island, planning a wedding.
Her wedding to Barry. September was fast approaching and she was getting more and more nervous. She wanted to believe it was cold feet, it was just nerves but she knew it wasn't. She knew with every fiber of her being that she wasn't supposed to be doing this. This wasn't the direction her life was supposed to take. Brian had not escaped his prison and she wasn't sure if she wanted to continue being stuck in her's. Maybe she could leave for both of them. She could escape, she could do it for both of them.
The bachelorette party was in Las Vegas. She had invited Mindy, Melissa, Nancy, Sharon, Joanne, Leslie, Kiki, Amy and Jill. They had rented a suite and shared glasses of champagne. Rachel sat back and listened as they talked about traveling and their boyfriends. It all seemed so ridiculously boring. She wanted to go find Helena, she wanted to find Helena and talk to her. She wanted to do something else with her life.
"Do you guys ever get bored?" Rachel asked.
"Of what?" Sharon asked.
"Of this….of what we're living. I'm twenty four years old and I've accomplished nothing in the two years I've been out of college. I wanna accomplish something," Rachel said.
"We should get you laid," Amy said.
"I'm getting married," Rachel said.
"So? It's perfect," Amy said.
Rachel shook her head. Brian leaving shook her completely. She felt so different than she had a year and four months ago. She had been so scared, so frightened. If she left, she'd have nothing but it began to seem like if she stayed, she'd also have nothing. She wanted to design clothes, she wanted to work in fashion. She wanted to be in the city, be where she always felt she belonged.
The day of the wedding, she stood in a room staring at a gravy boat which she loved. She loved that gravy boat more than Barry. She looked at herself in the mirror in her gorgeous white wedding dress and every single thing felt wrong. She couldn't do this. She could not walk down that aisle. She thought of Chandler and him calling her a coyote. She was going to run off that cliff. She had to run, had to leave. She could not live and die on Long Island. She noticed a window and walked towards it. She climbed up on a chair and busted it open with her elbow and before she knew it, she was outside the country club.
"This is for you, Brian. I'm leaving my Long Island prison...for you," Rachel said, looking up and then began running. She kept running until she found a cab and took the cab to Central Perk in the city. She felt like someone was guiding her, pushing her. She couldn't go back. When the cab pulled up to Central Perk, she jumped out ignoring the cabbie yelling at her. She ran in, sobbing and looked around noticing Monica and Ross sitting there with their friends. She knew she looked frightened. She was terrified, her stomach completely in knots.
"Rach?" Monica asked
"Monica," Rachel cried as she hugged Monica. "Hi. I hope it's okay...I..you gave me your address last year and I couldn't do it. I couldn't get married….I had-I can't-I-"
She made sure to leave out the part where she had been driving to Central Perk several times a week for the past year and not leaving her car.
"It's okay. Come here….here, you know Ross and this is Phoebe and Joey and-" Monica said.
"Hi-"
"And you remember Chandler?" Monica asked.
"No, no, I'm sorry...nice to meet you," Rachel said and immediately regretted saying that. Of course she knew Chandler. Why would she say he didn't know him? She couldn't think. Chandler just looked at her and said nothing. She kept crying, melting down, rambling. She wasn't sure what she was saying but she was imagining Barry and her friends and her family all at the country club. She had made mistake or maybe she hadn't.
Soon, Rachel found herself in Monica's apartment with Monica and her friends. She was on the phone, yelling at her father, sobbing.
"We have an entire room filled with family. This is embarrassing," Leonard yelled.
"I couldn't do it. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry but I can't marry Barry. I have never done anything for me. I don't want that life."
"What is wrong with the life I provided," Leonard said.
"Nothing...it's just not me. I want to accomplish something. I want to do something….please."
"Fine, but don't think I'll pay for it. Where are you gonna live?" Leonard asked.
"I guess I'll stay with Monica," Rachel cried.
"How will you make money?" Leonard asked.
"I'll get a job."
"Doing what? Drawing pants."
"Maybe or dresses. Daddy, you don't understand-"
"I understand that I have spent over fifty grand for a wedding that is not happening, that's what I understand."
"I have to go, I can't….I just...I have to go…." Rachel said, crying. She needed to hang up, she needed to regroup. "Monica," Rachel said as she hung up the phone and looked at Monica. Monica was sitting with Chandler, Ross, Phoebe and that guy, Joey. Rachel was terrified as Monica walked towards her.
"I'm gonna talk to Rachel outside for a moment," Monica said as she guided Rachel outside and the two sat side by side on the steps. Rachel kept sniffling, trying to catch her breath. "Okay..what happened?"
"It was all wrong. I was all wrong. I stood there and I thought, no….I didn't wanna be there anymore. I was...I don't love Barry. I don't want everything planned for me and I hate Nancy and Mindy…..I hate…...they were never my friends and I was always….I'm sorry."
"I know."
"Can I live with you?" Rachel asked, hoping the answer was yes. She had nowhere else to go. It wasn't like Brian was waiting for her although she did wonder about him at that moment. She wondered if he was proud.
"Yeah."
"Can you help me?" Rachel asked.
"Yes….even though I wasn't invited to your wedding."
"Well, next wedding….you're my maid of honor."
"Let's get through today…..by the way, you know Chandler," Monica said.
"I know I do," Rachel said, feeling ashamed that she would make that error. She knew him.
"And I will talk to him but you two need to be nice to each other. You need to talk to each other. 'Cause he's one of my best friends….and he's Ross' best friend. "
"I will."
"Also...you're in my world now, so there will be ground rules. I swear. All four of those people in there, they're on my side. You screw me over….again….you're out," Monica said which made Rachel smile. She liked when Monica was feisty.
"I know. I made a mistake, Mon. I made a lot of mistakes and I screwed a lot of things up….but...I'm twenty four years old, I've never had a job. I've never….I want to live, figure out who I am and I can't do that there. Surrounded by those people…."
"Okay….also, I have a date tonight-"
"You and Chandler?" Rachel asked, the smile on her face getting even bigger. Monica laughed. Rachel remembered Monica liking him and maybe hearing good news about the two of them would improve her mood.
"No."
"Why not?"
"Long story. I'm going on the date tonight. I'm not rearranging my life around you anymore. Are you going to be okay here? Joey has a date. Ross is moving into his apartment. Phoebe, I think has plans but Chandler will be here tonight. Talk to him. You need to...you have to."
"Okay, I will and I'm fine….I'll ask him why he's not on a date with you."
"Don't ask him that."
"Can I have a hug?" Rachel asked. Monica nodded as she and Rachel shared a hug. She tried to remember the last time she had hugged Monica. It felt good. She wanted to know.
"Rach, it will be okay."
"I don't know how to do anything. I'm not qualified for anything. I have no more friends-"
"Well, that part's not true. I'm your friend. Ross is still your friend. My friend, Joey will hit on you but he's a sweetheart. Come on, I'm not letting you fall, Green."
Rachel smiled and let out a chuckle. She needed to talk to Chandler. She felt so horrible...horrible about so many different things.
"Chandler….whenever I would see him, he would use that Wylie Coyote analogy and tell me to go run off a cliff. Metaphorically, I have and I hit the ground."
"You two need to talk," Monica said getting up and reaching her hand towards Rachel and gently pulling her up. The two women walked back into the apartment. Rachel felt wobbly as she listened to Monica and her friends talk. She didn't know what to say. She just felt uncomfortable. She remained sitting at the table, quietly. Before he left though, Ross smiled at her.
"You escaped."
"I did."
"Brian would be proud," Ross said. "I'm proud."
"Really?" Rachel asked.
"Yes."
"I'm scared."
"I know."
Rachel nodded as he gently squeezed her shoulder. She sniffled a little bit as she kept looking at Monica and her friends. She needed to call Barry. She needed to talk to someone. She needed to reach out….she needed something but she had no clue as to what.
She was sitting alone on Monica's couch and crying when Chandler stopped by. Monica was on her date. Ross went home and Joey and Phoebe were somewhere else. She has tried calling Barry but he wasn't answering his phone. She tried calling a lot of people but no one seemed to want to talk to her. It was breaking her heart. Did anyone care? Was anyone concerned? That stream of consciousness was interrupted by Chandler who was came in to ask it Monica was back from her date.
"No," Rachel said.
"Okay...well, I'll see you in the morning," Chandler said as he turned to walk back out of the apartment.
"Chandler," Rachel said, she didn't want him to leave. He wanted him near her.
"What?"
"Can I hang out with you?" Rachel asked, tears filling her eyes.
"You wanna hang out with me?"
"Yeah. It's been a rough day.
"Probably rougher for Barry," Chandler mused.
Rachel sniffled a little as she took a deep breath. Oh, those jokes but she didn't care. She so badly wanted to talk to him, to reach out to him.
"Please...let me hang out with you. I know you don't really like me but..."
"I'm just gonna watch a movie."
"Okay."
Chandler nodded as Rachel put her veil down and walked towards him. Together they walked across the hall and into apartment 19. Rachel sat on the couch while Chandler walked over to his stack of movies.
"You have a lot of movies," Rachel said.
"Yeah. I'm kind of a film buff," Chandler said, not really looking at her.
"Oh...I like your Laurel and Hardy picture," Rachel said motioning to the big black and white photo of the old comics on the wall.
"You know who they are?"
"Yeah...and...and I'm sorry...I'm sorry I forgot who you were today. I-I wasn't pretending to not know you. I just...brain fart," Rachel said.
"That's alright."
He seemed so upset with her. She hated this, she needed to make things right with someone. She needed to make someone not hate her. Someone other than Monica. It hit her again, that wave of emotions that now so many people probably disliked her.
"I really hurt him. I hurt Barry. I hurt Monica...I screwed everything up. I don't know what the hell I'm doing and I know you don't wanna hear any of this...it's just...I don't know and I know it's weird to be sitting here crying and talking to you...but..." Rachel said before dissolving into tears again. Chandler raised an eyebrow and walked over to the couch. He sat next to her.
"Rachel-"
She wanted to stop crying. She wanted to laugh. She wanted to know she had done the right thing.
"I'm sorry...it's funny, today, while I was getting ready for my wedding, I actually thought of you. I thought about your nickname for me. Coyote...and how you know, you were waiting for me to run off the cliff. I think I've officially...metaphorically...run off the cliff."
"The coyote never dies," Chandler said, quietly.
"What?" Rachel asked, looking at him. He was staring at his hands and then at her.
"Wylie Coyote. He runs off the cliff, but he never dies. He might get scraped up and stuff, but he gets right back up and starts over. So...I guess you're starting over."
"I guess. I'm not going anywhere...not just 'cause I have nowhere else to go but I'm not going anywhere...I wanna stay," Rachel said.
"Okay," Chandler said, getting up and walking over to the stack of movies again.
"Why do you hate me?" Rachel asked although she did think that was dumb of her to ask. She had been mean. She had been horrible but he had been mean too, he had hurt her. It was all so bad.
"I don't hate you."
"Please."
"We're really gonna do this?" Chandler asked.
"I'm not leaving," Rachel said, wanting to follow through on Monica's one instruction. She wanted to move past all the anger she had with him.
"Okay...alright...every interaction we've had has been negative and I think this is the first time you've ever called me by my name and not called me a loser or an alcoholic...or told me I would die alone," Chandler said.
"You put peanut butter on my car," Rachel said, although not sure if that was the best argument considering she had done more damage to his car, apparently.
"It was a prank...I thought you'd find it funny."
"I didn't," Rachel said, remembering what she was going through. She had instinctly put her hand on her stomach although there was nothing there.
"Can-can I ask you something? If we're talking?" Chandler asked.
"Yeah."
"Monica and Ross told me how you reacted to that prank and that you were in hysterics and just really over the top. Were you really that upset?" Chandler asked.
Rachel teared up again as she looked down at the couch and began to play with a loose thread.
"I had had a really bad month."
"What happened?"
She couldn't tell him now. She couldn't talk about it but he did look concerned. He looked sweet, kind hearted and that made her even more upset. Maybe he wasn't so bad.
"I don't wanna talk about it. It was just...your timing was really bad," Rachel said.
"I'm sorry. I thought...I thought you'd laugh about it, like when we were at camp and I put peanut butter in your bed," Chandler said.
"No, I know. I'm sorry I called you names."
"I'm sorry I pranked you," Chandler said.
"It's okay...you know, can I tell you something?" Rachel asked.
"Sure."
"I actually wish we had been better friends at camp. I mean, I think we would've made a good team, don't you think? I mean, I was popular and you were good at being a prankster."
She could have done so much differently. She wanted to change everything.
"We would've ruled that camp," Chandler said.
"We would've. It's a shame we didn't realize that at the time."
"Yeah...you wanna watch that movie?"
"Yeah...do you have Weekend at Bernie's or Spaceballs?" Rachel asked.
"Wait...what?" Chandler asked.
Rachel smiled. "What? You don't think I like those movies?"
She figured she no longer needed lie about her favorite movie, there was no point. Chandler got up and walked back to the stack of movies and grabbed two VHS tapes. He turned to look at her and held up the movies and grinned.
"Choose."
"Spaceballs," Rachel said.
"Good choice."
"Then Weekend at Bernie's after," Rachel said.
"You got it...you know, you are kinda like Princess Vespa. You ran out on your wedding just like she did," Chandler said as he set up the movie.
"Yeah...ajnd Barry is like Prince Valium. Can that be my new nickname? Princess Vespa?" Rachel asked as she grabbed a blanket that had been draped over the back of the couch and covered herself with it.
"How 'bout Princess Coyote?" Chandler asked.
"Okay. Can I call you Prince Loser?" Rachel asked.
"Anytime," Chandler said.
"But only we can call each other those nicknames," Rachel said.
"Alright and Rachel...I am sorry about the peanut butter on the car thing. I mean, you don't have to tell me what was happening but I really didn't mean to-"
"I know. Can we start over? I'm really not evil."
"You think Barry would agree?"
Rachel cringed a little, she loved that he was funny but something about being funny now did not seem right.
"Let's hold off on those jokes for a bit, okay," Rachel said.
"Got it," Chandler said as he made himself comfortable on the couch again and grabbed the remote. Rachel gently covered him with some of the blanket. He smiled at her as he pressed play. As the movie began, Rachel still kept crying. He paused the movie and looked at her.
"What?" Rachel asked.
"There's no crying during Spaceballs."
"It's just...am I gonna be okay? I gave up my entire life...I'm really scared. What if I completely fail?" Rachel asked.
"You're gonna be fine."
"How do you know?"
"You're living with Monica," Chandler remarked. She smiled, he was so sweet. Maybe this was why Monica never completely hated him. He was sweet.
"Yeah...G-d, I missed her. I should never have given up that friendship. She's the only kind of friend that matters," Rachel said.
"Come here," Chandler said as he turned so his back was against the arm rest. Rachel smiled weakly as she snuggled up next to him. He wrapped his arms around her as he pressed play again. She felt comfortable and happy there, laying with him as he gently kissed her on the head. He kept trying to make her laugh and it was definitely working. It felt that she was finally, home.