The days flew by, and Quidditch season had soon arrived. Sirius moped around the common room so frequently that even James had noticed.
"Okay Padfoot. What's the problem?"
Sirius sighed heavily.
"Quidditch. I miss it."
"Well, I'm the captain this year, and Sara's old decisions don't apply anymore. You want your spot back? It's yours."
Sirius' grey eyes lit up like James had told him there would be two Christmases this year.
"You mean it?"
"No, I'm lying to you. Of course I mean it."
Sirius jumped up and grabbed James in a wild embrace. Then, as if he had realized how unmanly that looked, he dropped his arms to his side and shoved his hands into his pockets.
"Thanks mate. That's great," he said, trying to sound nonchalant.
Noelle rolled her eyes at the two and began to focus on her Charms text again.
"Lily, how can you like this subject? It's so hard!" she complained.
Lily laughed and flicked her wand at the table. A tray of snacks and a hot pot of tea appeared, causing Noelle's eyes to grow wide.
"Show off," she groaned even as she reached for a biscuit.
"It's really not that hard, Noelle. For the life of me, I can't figure out how you do what you do in Transfiguration," she offered.
Noelle mulled over this thought and slyly pulled out her wand. Aiming it discreetly at Sirius and James, she whispered an incantation. Instantly their school robes turned into Raggedy Ann and Raggedy Andy outfits. Lily snorted and tea flew out of her nose. The boys turned to see what was so funny and caught a glimpse of what Noelle had done to them. She held her wand in front of her face and blew across the tip like she was blowing the smoke from a gun. Winking seductively at Sirius, she managed to keep a straight face for all of five seconds before the laughter exploded from her lungs.
"Put us right, Noelle. Now!" Sirius seethed.
"Oh, but I truly think that red and white gingham is a good look for both of you. Don't you agree, Lily?"
Lily, still trying to recover from the tea incident could only nod.
"Now!" he shouted.
"Spoilsport," she grumbled as she reversed the hex.
After they were returned to normal, James checked his watch.
"You haven't been on a broom in a while, so why don't we go fly a bit? At least the weather's not too bad today," he said.
Sirius jumped to his feet and rushed for the stairs. Within minutes he was back, dressed in practice clothes and had his broom tightly clenched in his left hand.
"Ready."
James laughed and they headed for the portrait hole.
"See you later," Sirius called over his shoulder as they scrambled out of the hole.
"I swear, say Quidditch around Sirius and I don't even exist anymore," Noelle complained as she stretched her legs out in front of her.
"Umm, hello?" Lily said, waving an arm in front of Noelle's face. "You're talking to James Potter's girlfriend here."
Noelle wiggled her eyebrows.
"So it's official now, hmm?"
"Yeah, it's been official for a while. Since this summer," Lily confessed.
Noelle smiled widely.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
Lily raised a red eyebrow.
"You had enough on your plate this summer."
"Well, anyways. I'm really happy for you. I knew that it was only a matter of time before the tension between you two became too much to bear."
"We're moving in together after we graduate," Lily blurted out.
"What?"
Lily nodded and blushed. She sat next to Noelle and summoned her notebook over to them.
"We found an apartment in London. We move in the week after graduation," she said, her emerald eyes glowing with happiness. She opened the notebook and showed Noelle the pictures.
"Oh, Lily!"
Noelle threw her arms around her friend and hugged her tightly. As she touched her, her vision grew dark and she saw flashing lights.
"Lily, go! GO! I'll hold him off."
"No, I'm not leaving you!"
Noelle yelped and pulled back from her friend.
"What's wrong?" Lily asked nervously.
Noelle shook her head and pasted a smile on her face.
"I got a shock when I hugged you," she lied.
"Oh, sorry! But anyways, I want you to come see it at Christmas. Please say you will."
Noelle shrugged.
"Where else do I have to go?" she joked.
"We're going to have so much fun decorating this place. James said I could do whatever I want with it, as long as he can have a 'man-town'."
"What's a man-town?" Noelle asked.
"A room that's free from everything feminine. In other words, a room that he and Sirius and Remus can get ridiculously drunk in and not have to worry about breaking anything," she said as she rolled her eyes. "It seemed a small price to pay."
Noelle laughed, but her mind was still on what she had just heard. It had to have been James and Lily, but what on earth was he talking about?
"I need to go to the library. Want to come with?" Lily asked.
Noelle shook her head.
"I really need to find Severus. I need more potion desperately," she explained.
"Okay. Oh, and by the way? The Marauder's Map is in my bag. I borrowed it to sneak to the library the other night. So, you're safe," Lily said with a wink.
Noelle smiled in relief.
"How did you know I was nervous about that?"
"I can read your mind," Lily said in a spooky voice.
Noelle swatted at her friend as she headed for the portrait hole, much more confident than she had been ten minutes earlier.
--
Noelle scampered down the stairs that led to the dungeons. She knew exactly where Severus hid himself, even on beautiful Saturday afternoons. As she approached the chamber that he usually occupied, she smelled something vile coming out the doorway. Hesitant to interrupt anything serious, she poked her head slowly around the doorframe.
"I know you're there, Noelle. Come on in," he called without lifting his eyes from the thick book in front of him.
She smiled bashfully and entered the room. She sat on the dusty desk to the side of the table where he had his cauldron set up.
"What's up?" he asked her.
"Not much. I need some more potion, remember?"
"I remember. I remember you were supposed to meet me here last week."
Noelle blanched.
"Oh, Severus, I completely forgot. I'm so sorry," she apologized.
"Whatever. It's not important," he said sullenly.
"Severus, I'm sorry. I honestly forgot!" she protested, not mentioning the reason she forgot was because Sirius had convinced her that it wasn't too cold to go to the astronomy tower to 'look at the stars'.
"Your potion is over there," he said, gesturing to a wooden chest on another table. Slowly she made her way over to it. It was made of deep rosewood and her initials were inlaid in the cover with mother of pearl. She gasped and pulled out her wand. It was nearly identical. She lifted the cover and tucked inside were twenty small vials of her potion, all set into their own compartment.
"This is for me?" she asked in wonder.
"Yeah. I had it made for you in Paris. It's by the same company who made your wand."
"I cannot accept this. It's far too beautiful for me," she said awkwardly.
Finally he lifted his head from his book. His black hair was pulled halfway off of his face and his cheeks were pink. He had never looked more handsome.
"Well, I don't know anyone else with your initials. So you should probably accept it," he said wryly.
She offered a small smile and ran her fingers over the lid.
"It's so beautiful," she whispered. "Thank you."
He smiled.
"You're welcome," he replied.
She moved to his side to kiss his cheek in thanks. He quickly backed away from her.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"Don't kiss me. I really don't think I can take it if you do."
She looked confused.
"Noelle, I can't handle being around you and not being able to touch you, or kiss you, or hold you! It's next to impossible to even be in the same room with you. It's pure torture," he said sadly.
She blinked, not exactly sure what to say.
"I just can't be around you without wanting to be all over you," he said softly, turning so his back was to her. "I don't think it's a good idea if we meet in private anymore."
Tears started to flow down her face.
"You think it's easy for me, Severus? That I don't want to throw myself into your arms and lose myself in your kisses, each and every time I see you?" she said angrily.
"No, Noelle, I really don't."
"Why?" she pleaded.
"Cause you're with him and not me! Isn't that a big giveaway right there, that Sirius Black means more to you than I do and that he always will?"
"I was yours first, Severus," she whispered through her tears.
"You were never mine, love. I only borrowed you from him," he said with his back still facing her.
"How dare you say that!" she shrieked, stamping her foot.
"Cause it's the truth Noelle! You went running back to him and you begged him to forgive you. And he did, and I know why. It may be the one thing that he and I agree on. We would rather have a piece of you than nothing at all."
Finally he turned to face her.
"I love you Noelle. And I love you in spite of what you are. You're an idealist and a romantic one at that. You claim that all you want is someone that loves you unconditionally. Well, I am that someone, but it's not good enough for you! By loving you, a man could destroy himself, simply because you will destroy him first! No one person could ever be capable of loving you as much as you want him to," he said woodenly.
Shocked into total silence, Noelle backed towards the door. With the case containing her potions in her right hand, she used her left to fumble for the doorknob. Once she had it open, she fled the room and his haunted eyes. After she had left, Severus Snape sank onto the bench behind his cauldron and covered his eyes, not believing what he had just done.
--
Gasping with sobs, Noelle rushed through the corridors, not really knowing where she was going. She felt horribly abandoned and betrayed. There were grains of truth to what he had said. Okay, there were boulders of truth, but she didn't want to admit that to him. She knew that she hadn't been fair to Severus, but it still hurt to hear him say it. She burst through a set of side doors and found herself out in the courtyard. She sank onto the first bench she saw and buried her face in her hands. She wiped the tears from her eyes and stared out over the grounds. High above the Quidditch pitch she could see James and Sirius making laps and tossing a Quaffle between them. How was she supposed to choose? How does one pick between the man who had saved your life literally and the man without whom life wouldn't be worth living?
No one had ever spoken to her in that way before. She thought about what Severus had said. With building fear she began to wonder if he was right. Maybe she was destined to destroy people. Look at Olivier. He had been a broken man when she left him at Nicky's wedding and what did she do about it? She had left him alone on the dance floor, haunted by the demons that no doubt pursued him. How many times could she lie to Sirius and get away with it? How many times would he take her back before growing tired of it? And Severus. He had done nothing to deserve the way she had treated him. You seduced him, the voice in her head said. He tried to bring up Sirius and you shushed him and kept going.
Noelle threw her head back and stared at the stars that were starting to make their appearance. It's a funny thing that happens, when someone forces you to face the truth. She felt naked and exposed and there was nothing to do to fix it. In the past, she would have run away and hid until it had all blown over. But where do you run when you're hiding from yourself, she wondered. She saw Sirius' face, glowing with youth and promise. Severus' ebony eyes, that held more fire and passion than one would expect. Olivier's crooked grin, the one that made her knees tremble when he flashed it at her. Severus had been right. She had never felt loved enough. No matter how many kisses, embraces or soft caresses were bestowed upon her, they had ever been enough. Her body and soul craved affection from the three of them, regardless of who would get hurt in the process.
She felt unstable and out of control. She needed to get away, but how far could she run before her own demons found her?