20 - Breaking & Breathing Again

SPENCER

She poured me some fresh squeezed orange juice and then sat down, facing me. Her grey eyes were distant like they never were before. She didn't really blink; she just sat there watching me. "You had a really great turn out." Finally words left her lips.

"I did." I smiled softly and patted her hand, which was splayed next to mine. "Thank you."

"For what?" She whispered.

"Believing in me." I shrugged and picked at the material of my board shorts.

"No need to thank me, Spence," she smiled and sat back, "you had a story to tell and you told it very well."

I cast my eyes downwards somewhat in guilt. "Are you upset?"

"Why would I be upset?" Carmen sat up straighter and looked at me. "You wrote a love story that has yet to see its happy ending. You wrote true words and even though they weren't about me, they were beautiful."

"Why'd you do it?" I asked quietly. I needed to know why Carmen was pulling Ashley in closer. "You invited Ashley after I told you not too."

"Are you complaining?" Carmen raised an eyebrow. "Look, we both know I don't do this jealousy thing well and it's not even that I'm jealous. God Spence, you let Ashley walk away years ago because you thought she was happier with Aiden. You didn't bother to fight for her because her happiness meant more to you than your own did."

"Carmen," I sighed, "it was high school."

"And?" She laughed a little bit and shook her head. "So you wrote a whole love story about a girl back in high school, whom you kissed three months ago and are still in love with?"

I stared at her blankly. It was the very first time Carmen voiced her observation out so bluntly and truthfully.

"You tried so hard to forget about her, so many years I tried to get inside your heart and just when I thought I was breaking through, you received a wedding invitation from Kyla." Carmen started to trace small circles along the inside of my wrist. "I know I pushed you to go, I know that I pretty much made you face Ashley again but only because I thought what you needed was closure."

I could see the tears that started to form in her eyes and I grabbed her hand, stilling it against my wrist. "Me too."

"Maybe," she sighed and looked away, swallowing hard, "but I think the moment you saw her was the moment you knew that closure wasn't what you needed. She was- is what you need. And I've been being selfish because you make me so happy."

I swallowed just as hard and I felt her shaky hands grab onto mine. Carmen's known all along how I felt and she still tried to make it work. She was sacrificing her own painful feelings to try and heal mine. I closed my eyes tightly. "I wish it was you I could fall in love with." I whispered and it seemed to have echoed through the living room.

"It's not fair to either of us," Carmen's eyes welled up with tears and blinked them back, trying to keep them at bay, "you're not happy with me, not like you should be. And I know I shouldn't have to watch you pine over a woman who clearly still holds your heart in the palm of her hand. She's your waterfall Spence, she's everything you dream of and everything you fear."

"Carmen." My voice cracked because I knew what she was doing. "Please…"

"I love you. I love you so much and more than you'll ever know but you don't belong with me." She stood up and paced somewhat while we both tried to catch our breaths from the sobs that we were trying to hold back. "I did the right thing," she nodded, "we've been great together. I know that you care about me deeply and I know you didn't hurt me intentionally," she knelt down in front of me; she was comforting me when she was the one broken inside, "but the heart never forgets Spence and your heart will always be with Ashley."

I hung my head because she was right. Everything she was saying, was right on the money. Ashley was the only person who occupied every single inch of me and it wasn't fair to Carmen.

It never was.

"I'm sorry." I choked out and I found myself in her arms, her hands stroking up and down my back.

"I love you enough to let you go." She whispered and pulled back, her lips everywhere on my face. "I can walk away knowing that I at least got to know you - that I shared memories with you and we did have an amazing time together."

"You really are too go to be true," I husked and cupped her face, brushing her tears away with my thumbs, "Carmen, you-"

"Please Spence," Carmen stood up and shook her head, sniffling, "this is taking a lot for me to just walk away from you, from us. I can't hear how wonderful I've been, or how good I've treated you – not yet."

I swallowed thickly and nodded.

"Listen," she cleared her throat and grabbed her keys, "I'm going to go pick up some more stuff for tonight's beach party in your honour. I will see you later, okay?"

I nodded, remaining silent.

Then her lips were on my forehead, and her wet cheek pressed against my own. "Go be happy." She whispered and I closed my eyes tightly, not watching her walk away. I heard the front door shut softly.

--

I leaned against the railing on the pier and breathed in the salty air. It was a nice night and in the distance, I could hear the laughter and music, people celebrating my accomplishment. I tried to talk to Carmen, but she found excuses to leave my side and I couldn't blame her.

I felt horrible.

Carmen was the only one who gave me the time of day when it came to understanding my thoughts and feelings towards Ashley. She never judged and criticized anything I said regarding the brunette. She asked me to marry her, she asked me to just try and move on. That was all she ever asked of me. Something that seemed so simple yet hard to do. Carmen never questioned me, she just tried to understand – give me space.

She was protecting my heart and I couldn't even do the same for her. I was the reason her heart was breaking.

"Shouldn't you be over there?"

I looked over and saw Ashley pointing towards the bonfire with a small smile on her face.

"I guess." I smiled and turned around, leaning my back against the railing. "Shouldn't you be?"

Ashley looked down at the ground before looking back up at me. "Actually, Carmen told me to talk to you."

"Oh." I frowned and sighed. "Did you know Carmen and I have not once argued?"

Ashley mirrored my frown and shook her head.

"God, she's perfect." I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. "And beautiful and the kindest person you will ever meet."

Ashley stood there quietly, just looking at me, listening to me. Something she hadn't really done in the past.

"She proposed to me right here, you know? This exact spot. She asked me to make her the happiest woman in the world and be hers for an eternity." I looked up at the starry sky and inhaled deeply. "All she ever wanted was for me to love her," I looked at Ashley, "the way I love you."

Ashley gasped slightly and her eyes widened but she still remained quiet. It was a confession that was more pure than anything we've ever experienced.

"Carmen broke up with me this afternoon," I finally whispered, "she said that my happiness was more important to her. She's been avoiding me for the rest of the evening and now I feel like a piece of no good… I just feel like crap."

Ashley finally stepped forward and brushed a strand of hair away from my face. "I don't think I have any words to say to try and make you feel better," she offered lightly.

"I don't want to feel better," I glanced away and stepped sideways, blowing hair out of my face, "I knew what I went through with you, Ashley. I knew how I felt and how I tried so hard to forget about you, but nothing, no one could ever get rid of that feeling."

"I damaged you." She pointed out with a serious face. "Seriously, if it weren't for me, you and Carmen would be the perfect couple. Hell, you're fucking hot together." She shrugged and looked away at the darkened sky. "I'm sorry for everything, Spence."

"You think we're hot together?" I tilted my head and smiled.

"Well yea," Ashley looked at me, she really looked at me and not in a 'I'm totally checking you out' kind of way, she was just genuinely looking at me with a soft smile, "Carmen's not bad looking and we all know how hot you are."

I blushed and cleared my throat. "Doesn't matter," I sighed, "she's made up her mind and you know, it really isn't fair to her for me to be groveling back into her arms when my heart is pretty much still with you."

"Did you want a refund?" She quirked an eyebrow and we both laughed a little. I bit my lip and ducked my head slightly, shaking my head 'no'. "Good because I don't think there's a return policy on a heart exchange."

Silence was once again our best friend in that moment and then I felt her hand tug on mine slightly. "Come on," she whispered, "she threw you a party. I think you should at least thank her by enjoying it."

I smiled and allowed her to drag me quietly back to the beach party. "Hey Ashley," she stopped and looked at me again, "thank you for coming."

"Well when you have a whole book written about you, it's kind of rude not too." Ashley crinkled her nose and tugged on my hand again.

There we were, walking hand in hand across the beach together. It all felt so natural yet dreamlike. Earlier that morning I was waking up next to a woman who gave me the world and asked for nothing in return.

And at that moment, I was walking along the beach with the woman I gave the world to – and asked for nothing in return.

Life was funny that way.

But I finally felt I could breathe again.

--