Heh Killua

by dadou

What is your limit Killu? What can someone like...him expect? But he'd ran away and a golden boy had stumbled in his way. Now he'll do anything to protect him. Even when his past returns...to push him to the limit. Killu/Gon, light Kurapica/Leorio. Adult Situations, Abuse

21. Chapter 21: Haunted

Chapter 21 x Haunted x

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hello! thank you all for your reviews and replies , really... I'm trying to reply to you all but its a slow process. Thank you my readers =)

WARNING: I told you I was going to inform of all the chapter's whose nature could offend anyone. This chapter has a major Warning: explicit content, sexual abuse,child abuse. I did stress that this fanfiction requires adult readers at the beginning of this fic. But I do thank those who have kept up with me up to now and I do understand though that there are all kinds of readers. For those who are underage-the bunch that Pmed me or were brave to tell me- I know that some of you are mature enough to read. I do encourage you to read only what you feel you are able to manage, and you are encouraged to skip if needs be-it won't affect in terms of plot holes. For you and for all others, young adults as well, you are warned, you will find graphic violence, sexual content and sexual abuse. If you do not want to stumble with these items and something terribly crude, please do not continue when you arrive to the part or skip...

...I won't censor myself, so I can only warn...but I explain myself better in the A/N, at the end of this chapter.

Thank you all.. really, to keep up with me.

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There you sit on your high-backed chair
Wonder how the view is from there...
I wouldn't know 'cause I like to sit
Upon the floor, yeah upon the floor
If you like we could play a game
Let's pretend that we are the same (...)
Cause I think you were wrong about me
Yeah what if you were, what if you were

And what if I'm a snowstorm burning
What if I'm a world unturning
What if I'm an ocean, far too shallow, much too deep
What if I'm the kindest demon
Something you may not believe in
What if I'm a siren singing gentlemen to sleep

(…)
I'm the end of your telescope
I don't change just to suit your vision
'Cause I am bound by a fraying rope
Around my hands, tied around my hands
(..)

So what if I'm a crowded desert
Too much pain with little pleasure
What if I'm the nicest place you never want to go
What if I don't know who I am
Will that keep us both from trying
To find out and when you have
Be sure to let me go...

What If- Emilie Autumn

...

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He observed each petal contemplative. The flowers, perfectly still in their vase, where disturbed violently.

Leorio slammed the door behind him. He'd finally found Kurapica sitting by the window. The doctor tried to inhale air, not knowing if to salute or to pinpoint or to only echo his name-but he found himself blurting

"What were you thinking?!"

Kurapica closed his eyes.

"...I wasn't thinking...I just..." his voice was hoarse.

"You heard yourself while you yelled?!"The doctor finally could vent all the anger he'd bottled up. He gave two strides towards the blonde "Did you? Or should I recount it to you"

Kurapica nodded emptily. The clear eyes pooled the crystal vase's reflection, not meeting his stare. A pensive gleam to his eyes so precious at the mid-light of the room...

Leorio turned his gaze away. He paced the room ranting heatedly. "No you did not! You said terrible things! Did you have to go spit it at his, their- they were trying to protect you!" he yelled "I mean was it necessary? - We all know Gon is always trying to prove himself but you know why, Kurapica! You know! Do I have to put it in nice simple diagrams for you-Weren't you the smart one?! Because you might have lost all your family, but they did not abandon you at will, have you thought how it must be to prove yourself to gain the right to have a father ah? Oh do tell me at least you knew this! You didn't have a right to speak to him like that- thanks god he acted more of an adult than you did!" Leorio had barely breathed.

"I know..."

"you don't!"

Kurapica lowered his gaze, but that only made Leorio's teeth grind as his voice deepened" and as for Killua-I wanted to punch you Kurapica- I wanted to-to- why! you Kurapica, how could you?!"

"I KNOW!" he stood in confrontation "I...know! Leorio, I know! - I was angry- you're standing in front of someone who was cruel on purpose, I lashed at their weaknesses, I was ruthless, calculatedly doing so, to be absolutely certain they wouldn't do something like that again... I only did not measure myself the moment I exposed Killua..."

"You can't use those methods Kurapica!"

"And I'm aware and still will use them. I will make absolutely certain none of the spiders ever touch you. But its better if Killua and Gon hate me and live...than the other option... I couldn't stand... I couldn't stand..." his eyes were grieved.

No, seeing him like this did not help the doctor do a proper berating. He took a hand to massage his temple

"Argh, you do have an excuse and it's huge! Of course you were angry, you were scared, they were on the enemy's side without any bargain available, you had all the reasons, but" he shook his head "Look, all of us were fucked up by life and you of all got really fucked up, I know, but that doesn't take away that you still said what you said, you still acted how you did and you can't use those methods! Anger may rise and fall but words cannot be undone, not to them, not to me, you can't act like this!It's like when you ran behind the spiders that night at Yorkshin-have you forgotten that's how Killua and Gon got trapped in the first pla-"

"Stop it" he said weakly... "I know..."

"I won't stop. You think having friends is difficult with a vengeance? then separate them- you had promised you wouldn't be dwelling on the subject-these were vacations!"

"I know.."

"Well, this time the boys went in willingly to help you-it wasn't your fault! so why were you so angry?! Because they tried to help you? you said things- and what was said leaves you to account at least to me with answers! So at least stop the excuse and do answer me!"

Kurapica's face was ashen as he stood in front of the doctor.

Leorio's voice turned to deadly seriousness

"What motivates your life Kurapica ah? In truth? Have you really thought it through? You protect us but are we really your friends, am I really anything more than just a passing company?! Do you want to live beyond your revenge?! Ah? Ah? Because-"

"We've gone through this before" the blonde swiftly turned, his eyes seeking the exit door.

"NO"- Leorio took him by the arm "YOU DON'T GET TO DO THAT! Because you are not only hurting yourself but you're hurting others and I won't let you! Answer me Kurapica!

"I'M NOT HURTING ANYONE AGAIN!"He'd lashed out, sudden emotion in his eyes.

"I'm not" He shut his eyes. He bit his lip. "Look, I regret it, I regret it all Leorio. At the end, I couldn't stand their eyes drilled on me, I value their life so Leorio, they're... you're... I hate them being involved, I hate you being involved, I don't want you to step unto this mess, unto their darkness, their death trail-"

The obsessive tirade of words made Leorio let him go.

"That...I get... I understand"

"No...You don't understand" Kurapica shook his head weary, not accusingly but...despaired. A silence shelved between them as if they were pages and pages away, books and worlds away...

"You know what Hisoka tantalised me with?." He looked away slowly turning to the windows, his hand suddenly gripping his own shoulder, to stare outside.

Leorio hadn't even known that Hisoka had met him...

"He said... something I already knew... and you knew and Senritsu knew... the joke..." his tone was bitter."That night, at Yorkshin, all chained up, you know He...He still spoke the truth. We were indeed the ones in disadvantage at the hostage exchange, we were... It's engraved in my mind and Kuroro" The blonde was suddenly ranting as he spat the name "he knew this. Because he knew what my weakness was- he detected it the moment he saw me...as if I'd had it imprinted in my face..." Kurapica's voice had suddenly wavered..."between killing the spiders and saving my friends lives I'll choose I'll always choose... I'll..."

He shut his eyes, suddenly loosing his composure unable to stop as if confessing "Leorio, you know it well, Pakunoda died when it should have been Him. She wasn't even at the massacre- but He was, and to his eyes my choice... is my weakness...you guys are my weakness Leorio, and they know it well, and He is but a time-bomb and I can't let you mingle , you, I can't lose- I can't let this make me-" he was stumbling.

"...It won't" his shoulder was taken his firm hand. It rested over his own slender one. Kurapica closed his eyes. His rock...

No… nothing was… and… and…

" I can't...I can't help thinking..." he suddenly seemed to fall apart, his eyes shut tight- "what if...what if the spiders... attacked Killua" he barely managed to phrase it "what if they tortured him the last time as they tortured him now? What if they did... what if they were the ones, and I couldn't do anything- and if they... they..."

"Kurapica" he tried to stop his rant "Kurapica..."

The blonde shook his head and Leorio found himself speaking

"Don't do that, we're asking him-when Gon goes to call Mitosan we'll ask him right away -but it's over, Kurapica, we lost their track! And I've been thinking a lot, and I really believe I just messed our minds up, I do! Killua just got badly beaten and the spiders haven't been the first ones at that, it's all over-"

- He was at all costs trying to pacify the younger one

Kurapica shook his head

"We don't know that- but...we're asking him. We're confronting him." We are...

The blonde felt the firm grasp of Leorio's hand in his shoulder."Kurapica I promise you, nothing happened to Killua, he's perfectly fine. Both of them are... We all are"

We all are...

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...

His eleventh birthday was months away. He sat in the floor...by the moonlight in the middle of the chamber.His memories were vague, they'd made sure of that, but he still remembered... And despite of it, of all... he was conscious that...

-It doesn't matter, nothing does- he said he repeated, playing with a loose thread of his pyjama sleeve- but despite of it he was sorely aware... that he was startled... that he was frightened...As when he'd been seven...

He'd been forced into the routine again for three months now but it didn't matter, did it? Training dictated that every two weeks he ought to be held in the isolation chamber for five days without food and water. He'd been doing just fine-he was refining and perfecting himself as an assassin each day to the large approval-he would not let anyone notice anything out of the ordinary...

But the elder, he'd been taking those chances to visit...

Killua had been acting like he didn't care, it did not matter, nothing did- He closed his eyes. He would not allow fear. Yet dread, ominous dread froze his every limb-the last time it been different...He felt the overcoming dread...He knew he was at the corner of the door, observing him. Those dark dark eyes...

"Will this be the last time I see you Killua? Because I know you little brother…your patterns are predictable… you... run…you always run…"He chanted slowly in the ever quiet monotone…almost wondering.

The elder had approached and knelt beside him.Slowly he began undressing him.He stood under his shadow. The first button undone… The second button.

"Illumi… I don't want to continue" He bit his lip. It'd been but a whisper… But he always began with something-begging-threatening-promising-explaining -he tried to get a response from the elder, he never ceased trying...he seldom got an answer.. Illumi's hand lingered on the last button of his pyjama's front. He slowly let the garment slid down one of Killua's shoulders.

For an entire minute he thought he wasn't going to answer as always.

"...Little brother, I think the entire time...you've been afraid about what happened on our last meeting" his onyx eyes hovered over him, his lip curved up subtly. "Isn't it?"

He winced away retreating..."I... don't want this…" he whispered. Illumi slowly retired the garment all together.

"Stop" the boy called desperate, his wide violet eyes seeking him.

"I won't Killua" a tone of gentle patience "...but feel free to go whenever you want" His eyes were devouring his naked torso.

"You know I can't!" he yelled. Killua bit his lip. He felt so weary… and still he felt the cold creep up his throat and he spat

"You...you can be the heir if you want, that's what you want? You have it, just please…" He clenched his eyes as Illumi's ghostly wandering hands brought shivers down his body. Killua's voice rose, his eyes hurt-desperate "hear me out!"

He only had his voice. But he never did hear.

"...do you hate me that much..."

The dark orbs engulfed his naked pale skin, a hand slowly silhouetting his neck… his shoulder… his chest… Killua closed his eyes. Illumi would seldom answer his pleas, always...He would...never see him...And it could be one-it could be a thousand times-he'd never like it. He'd never get used to-

"I don't hate you Killua" he stared with wonder.

He felt his chest get tight, his mind being torn slowly into shreds and tangles.

"But why-"his eyes stung. "Why…this is not tr-training" he whispered. Illumi took his shoulders and Killua went limp "Aniki... please" He uncurled the boy's limbs, almost tenderly. He leaned him softly against the cold ground. Killua still had the question in his eyes as he observed up from Illumi's looming shadow… The black hair fell over his broad shoulders as he leaned to Killua's ear "I don't hate you Killua." He observed him.

"And I don't love you either…"

The boy choked the implications away- slicing retro-meanings to the back of his head- overwhelming twisted knots of meaning. It did not make sense- why-why "then…let me go Illumi… please... I'm nothing to you" Maybe...he would...maybe...

Illumi observed the violet gaze, directing his own into those orbs, filled only with…Killua…

The boy in them read hunger… lust.

"I don't hate you. I don't love you. From time to time I just want you"

Illumi's lips pressed to his own coldly. He slowly forced his mouth open kissing him slowly. The boy felt dead... And then his tongue... with a hand he tilted the boy's head, he was devouring him.

Killua as if awoken, raked his head away messily…

"Don't, Brother just-I'll do all the assignments, I'll do all -just please" Illumi had answered him this time and suddenly all his hopes had raised as he continued his plea-last time was different- last time had been different-last time- last time

"I sometimes do let you go... Don't I…" Illumi trailed his body impassible… His pants were lowered and Killua immediately stared at one side, feeling his back against the floor, trying to deaden his emotions " It is so… strange…that once so long ago you asked me that exact question…" he traced the silver eyebrows with one delicate finger "mind…it works in strange ways" his hand cupped his nape.

Killua's line of vision was that of the extending floor, the wall on its far edge… he concentrated on the wooden patterns, the crevices… the nightly shadows…It must have been his begging. Or his apparently dejavu question… because the elder continued to speak as he rarely did… and yet he felt like not listening. Like not being there at all. It was his fault-he must have done something, something to make this all start again, he just didn't know what and- Illumi didn't seem about to stop-

"I reckon I sometimes do feel something akin to missing your body" his hand trailed the pale cream skin at his waist. "It becomes an obsession…" his voice had lowered to a whisper. He'd posed his lips on the pallid neck, kissing softly … as he spoke against his skin "I sometimes do feel anger at you for not understanding… being so stubborn to…subdue" One hand holding him by the waist…"I'm sorry I am...but please-please" the other went further down… "But emotions, they are fleeting… I taught you this. We don't feed of emotions Killua, you and me" his lips gently caressed his collarbone. Killua further strained his head away. His empty stare observing the wall. "We feed on…power"

"No...what if" he suddenly looked at the elder, but met the onyx eyes again and felt paralysed.

"Above all Killua…you miss the key of what is important"

But the boy had turned his head away, and didn't seem about to listen. This wasn't a class to learn, this was just- … he would not be here.

Illumi knew well what to do when that happened, when Killua tuned out. Such expertise he observed of a boy so young. But...

Killua noticed the colds hand lowering…

Raw dread…his fingers brushing his navel and he shivered and bit his tongue. Lowering his boxers...They were fondling him- he shut his eyes tightly –They were playing with him. It was happening again.

"You're feeling"

"NO" his voice was thick

"I like when you start feeling"

A pale hand to his broad chest with all his strength, and Killua separated him. And iron hand flew to clasp his wrist, but Killua had only curled to one side. Hiding the area between his thighs without thinking how it felt "I don't want this" He had his eyes shut. "Brother…I...beg you...please" why would he do that, he had begged He hated... he hated to be pleading... but if there was any chance to avoid this… if there was any chance of this not happening, of him not being there… please…please…

"Do you want to play the coward brother? The beggar? No brother... you must accept what you are...accept that you are a killer, a sweet killer. Accept you like this as you like to kill. You are even welcome to kill me… as you please"

Brother possessively hugged him, extended against his back, emptying mocking kisses down his spine, his hand gripping him down there, the boy could sense His hardness to his thigh and Killua shut his eyes tight. A kiss turning to a bite to his neck, his fondling intensified. Pleasure building-

He tried to escape; he elbowed a blow backwards and fought away. Illumi grabbed him, and suddenly lifted him from the waist with violence. He was left in all fours.

No- he felt the panic in his chest. And suddenly the boy under him attempted to run messily out. Illumi just pushed him forward as he fought, against the wall.

His chest crushed against the concrete, "no" he mouthed. "Stop Illumi!" His hand took him again" NO-I'll tell them" But Illumi's other hand gripped his waist firmly and accelerated things "you won't Killua. You are a natural liar" a certainty to his voice smiled back "STOP" but it was his fault, his panic triggered the elder

"STOP" but he heard the unbuckling belt, the firm grasp to his waist and he immediately began stretching him-no "NO" the man would not hear, would not hold any longer, wasn't any longer human but a predator as he fought, as he begged- feeling the sickening touch- but didn't he know each plea aroused him- Illumi's head rested on his collar-bone and the hand tensed around his cock suddenly going painfully slow and he felt loathing hit angrily his mouth, revolting– As his own head extended back in a gasp.

"Killua…the key is that whether you ask me or not, whether you are my brother or not… I do this" He pressed his chest to the boy's back and the boy shivered as he gave him another tug "because I have the power to do so. Just as you kill" one hand clasped his neck "because you can… whatever you do, whatever you ask, however you run" Killua tried tuning out the words "I do this" he felt the piercing dread as an arm rounded his chest to bring him closer

"Because I can"

Killua's teeth gritted when he entered him- PAIN-splintering, flaring, ripping pain- his palms open against the wall to keep him from- he heard his own scream being muffled, the man's hand over his mouth-and he bit it and fought away- but Illumi held him, pushing him forward- the boy shut his eyes - the mechanics of his shoulders against the wall, being gripped by his waist to further- his mouth opened in a gasp-unwanted pleasure up his spine, reaching to a sting in his eyes but Illumi moaned against his shoulder -he heard his name-and he could barely take the other's weight, his hands against the wall to keep him from falling, his knees opened further barely holding himself only too deepen his thrusts- the pleasure and dread building as Killua was panting, no-no-he felt so small- he wasn't there, that body could not take- his body could not take- and Killua's precum was spread along his shaft just to make him conscious of- Killua gasped his forehead leaning against the wall in defeat and hurt- pain-pain and then he gasped a wave of pleasure, painful knot to his throat- and Killua tried to curl into a ball and be oblivious, oblivious, oblivion take him- his lungs panted stinging pain and pleasure entwined into his rough pushes-he hit a spot dead on- and Killua doubled over- and he willed ever so powerful he wasn't there, he ceased to exist, negation of being, he wasn't there, he wasn't, he wasn't any more….he was no more.

But it continued

…God save me... God save me... God save me...Any god out there... any... any... save me... save... me...

…but it continued

…someone save me...someone, help, help, help

...but he was still there...

...someone save me…

But it continued, he was still there, and if there had ever been a god it ceased to exist and if there was any hope it ceased to be and that tore him as he sobbed, no one would ever save him-Illumi pushed him to the floor and it hurt, his hip bones painfully hitting the wooden boards, scraping his skin as he was rocked - The movement stroke him against the floor and he gasped, his body in screaming pain yet his legs buckling against his will in relish, wrongful relish, He thrust relentless and he stifled his gasp, ominous dread, piercing dread and the coiling pleasure heightening, Killua was panting, a hand to the floor- loss of control and panic as his waist was gripped forceful and he felt the pleasure weaving again and again as He hit-his weight crushed him and he could not breath, fear, his body could not bundle the pain, his body could not bundle the pleasure, a hand flew to grip him down there, NO- but He was pumping him again, he gasped, He thrust in hitting- and the growing pleasure strung forceful suddenly white- the sting to his eyes.

His mouth against the floor as his lips opened. His gasp was voiceless

…

…He'd taken all he wanted from him...

All...

All...

He hadn't stopped...not until his arms engulfed him, until he'd pushed deeply in and there was only pain, tearing pain... until felt his thigh smeared and wet and he felt acid at his throat … Illumi breathed heavily at Killua's neck for some time. Sated. Enraptured in the feeling of possession…utmost possession…

Because I can he'd said.

He felt his own sticky stomach against the wooden boards.

And he wasn't unconscious as he'd hoped for.

No he wasn't.

He'd had to withstand every single second…Illumi pulled away, leaving, sitting in a corner with a smile at the mess he was… this wasn't over…and he had to be there…every lasting second- ever lasting seconds extending onto forever waving, weaving patterns unto his mind… he hadn't been able to stop- burnt facts to his mind and he hadn't been able, it'd happened again, when would it end? When…when…when...

Routes like visions opened in front of his eyes. He saw himself planning the escape, then the hunter exam, Whale Island island under the stars, on Yorkshin under the rain, on Greed Island and the cruise, and all the images seemed like ghosts in his mind while still enclosed in the same dark room, he couldn't move to escape and he was still there smeared and stained, and he realized he'd imagined he had a life, but he'd never left, and soon Illumi would come again and the loop would start again, a wrecked ship sinking, and he was still there, seconds, hours, or years on the floor, stripped of all, and above all… it was true.. Wasn't it …he was not his own... he was not his own...

He was Illumi's…

If he was, then maybe it would be better to just surrender.

But he couldn't.

If he was not his own, he rather he wasn't…

Yes that suited him… he chose the not to be, over the being handed to someone else... he chose the not to be… he wasn't at all…

He wasn't.

Only then the scenery changed. He was out of the room walking with the weight he could barely hold. One step. In front of the other. A huge window, to its edge, the sea extended in front of him far far below. He wouldn't be. And he took one step, the one final step. To fall, fall, fall, fall…

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"KILLUA!"

He sat upright, his own outcry mingling with Gon's. He felt the immediate wave of sickness. His eyes wide open.

Gon was gripping his wrist. Painfully so.

"Killua! GOD you're awake-You were screaming! - It's hard to wake you GEEZ!" Gon ranted anxiously-but stopped as Killua snapped his wrist away- his gaze lost still panting.

"Killu are you all right?" His caramel eyes were a shade darker. Killua took the scene… He was in what seemed a king size bed…

He felt sick to his guts.

"Killu..." it was the third time Gon called him. Killua focused in Gon's image. Gon was alive...his own chest rose and fell but he quickly steadied it.

He couldn't give a rational reason... but for a moment he'd been convinced Gon had died. But he was there, he was there…

Gon tried to reach him… Killua's dark violet eyes were lost and wide…His tanned hand loomed over his shoulder… the wound there was just a tiny scar above, and nothing else…He wanted to take his shoulder, to bring him back.

"Killu-"

"Don't touch me" he snapped in a whisper.

Gon pulled away as if burnt.

Killua abruptly lowered his head. His eyes were closed shut. This had happened before.

All over again…again...again... again-he felt the sting to his eyes. He felt sick, sick sick to his guts.

"Where…are…we…" his voice was fogged.

"On a hostel in Flag City" Gon observed Killua's sloping shoulders, lost... "The blimp brought us...remember the blimp?"

Killua's gaze was blank "We need a ship to arrive to Whale Island so we landed here Killu...Leorio did a blood transfusion to you…"

"...A blood transfusion..." he trailed.

"Because of the fight with the phantom brigade. Do you remember? You got shot"

Images flashed in front of his eyes. His head was now a dull aching loading file.

The albino barely spoke "….who…"

"...Me"

He was type 0. Universal donor.

A silence extended, Killua's gaze trailing to the pale hands, his own hands he realized, clasping the sheets.

"...thanks" he whispered

Bits of reality were falling slowly, brick by brick … He was on a hostel, the neon lights of the city reaching throughout the window - He was running –again and again-but it would never…bits of the dream, of the memory- they cut just as Hisoka's fight, the blood- he'd almost signed Gon's death hadn't he, hadn't he- but Gon was alive and-

"Gon…" his voice was a whisper. And he realized he'd pulled his knees to himself, his head resting in them… He hid there stunned. He felt sick. Sick. Sick.

Gon stood at his side startled. His hand extended in the air…

"I…" His voice broke. His chest wasn't able to hold the things he felt... He wanted to reach out to grasp something, anything, but words could not be formed. "I…w-want it to be over..." the albino whispered."I...want it... to be ...over"

"Killu... Killu..." Gon called him softly, his heart thumping wildly. His hand hovered over his shoulders without touching. The silence and reach of his hovering hand suspended, the extending lack of words . He could only repeat his name... he felt helpless

"Gon...I..."

But suddenly Killua tensed. And in one smooth motion he turned to sit at the bed, his feet on the floor, his back to the door. An instant later the aforementioned swung open and Leorio came in.

"How's everything? How are you feeling Gon? Did Killua-"

"I'm awake" Killua monotoned. He sat at the edge of the bed, giving them his back, as if nothing. He rubbed his eyes casually. The only thing that could give him away was his tired elbows on his knees... "how long was I out"

"Just some hours, while they brought us here. Kurapica carried you in. You ok?"

"Yes" he muttered

"And Gon, how are you feeling?"

The honey eyes were fixed looking at Killua. The doctor had to ask twice before the raven vaguely out of his thoughts answered "What? Oh I'm fine"

"You're not woozy?" he approached the raven examining his stance. But again Gon did not answer.

Killua did not meet the raven's gaze, his own stare wandering through the night skies across the windows. But he did speak.

"Whale Island kid, don't you think Leorio is a piece of strawberry- pie doctor?" his gaze set on the distant night.

Gon assigned meaning to what Killua said slowly. Then he turned at Leorio startled. "He is!" he let out apologetically, as if he'd just gotten the fact the doctor was present in the room. "I'm not woozy! Leorio-san, thanks for your care. It's good to have you as a friend" he forced his smile to a fond stretch.

As Killua heard Leorio chatter -on how come he was called by that linguistic form now when he'd pleaded through all the first year on the 'san'- and Gon arguing back, he thought on how his bet at Gon's ADD had worked out fine.

"Anyway, after arguing at the reception, the heating is working properly now, so you can take a shower if you wish. But there's only one available for us, so take turns and be quick-"

"MINE" Before he'd finished Killua was at his knees in front of Gon as if they'd just been chatting moments before. He registered vaguely the absolute lack of pain which was comfortable anyway.

"Pretty pwease?" he pleaded as if nothing, with catlike orbs. Only a vague gleam in them could betray...

"Yours" Gon feigned the roll of his eyes.

Killua jumped with definitely more spirit than before. They had put him a new shirt but his pants were still on. He still had stains and smears of mud and blood on his arms and cheek and hair and he felt the dirt creeping up his skin almost intolerably. He aimed for the door waving a hand without looking back "Cheerio you guys."

He suddenly turned, dedicating lavender clear eyes to both "thanks".

The door closed.

...

Leorio sat at a corner sofa heavily. He had a folder in his hands.

"IM TIRED" he seemed weary. He always seemed weary around them… Gon had difficulty tuning in, looking longingly at the white door for some seconds. He made a mental effort and turn to look at the doctor.

"Are you well Leorio?"

Leorio sighed but Gon interrupted "Did you get involved in battlefield?" he abruptly questioned concerned

"Are you kidding? I didn't have a chance! I was woken by the airship at my head. No. wait. I actually was woken by strange guys informing me I should climb. One of the crew. I might not have fought against spiders but I think today the world determined not to let me nap. And I'm always grumpy without my nap" he scorned.

Gon immediately knew Kurapica and Leorio had probably fought afterwards. Just basal intuition.

"Besides that, you two don't give us a break, do you?" Leorio added

Gon lowered his gaze. "We did a lot of things wrong" he said regretful.

What made him, Gon, a monster was that he did an awful lot of things wrong knowingly. Probably would do them again….

But then, that was a secret only Killua was aware of and for his own to hold. He suddenly remembered Killua, his eyes... He suddenly wanted to go after him...

"…Gon... listen" The doctor paused, his hands clasped together.

"Leorio, I'm sorry, we were stupid and-"

The doctor laughed. "...I was going to say Gon that... next time at least count me in your plan" Behind his glasses, his eyes had the shadow of a smile.

Gon looked at him in disbelief. And found himself giggling despite his own unease.

"No, I mean it!"

Oh yeah he did, Gon acknowledged smiling.

The kid sat at the edge of the bed as Leorio talked about how he was welcome to see television-he had some forms to sign regarding their operative flee... He explained to him how Netero had resolved that, as in the present the pair wasn't working, their accounts ought to be frozen- a small punishment for the mess at the ship. And so they were low on money again-only got what they had on their pockets- and therefore they were at the cheapest hostel they'd managed to get to.

"Leorio…" The doctor met honey eyes that always looked up at him when troubled. He tried not to think about the fact that the pair's life had been endangered again. Did family or parents feel like this? Did they feel like this the entire time? So... protective?

"Tell me" he spoke gently

"He…Killua is still having those nightmares" Gon's dangling bare feet fidgeted. "He-thrashes" he hesitated… "He screams-"

"That's because he's not taking the pills I gave him" Leorio once again tried to be a firm rock and sound casual.

Gon thought… he hadn't actually known about Killua having pills "How do you know?"

"Because with the many matters my mind deals each day I forgot to give him a prescription that detailed the intake dose." he lifted a finger.

"And on his part, he hasn't even asked. He probably has the ones I gave him still there unopened. Rest assured I will now speak to him"

Actually both Kurapica and him would... on everything...

Gon stood silent… in front of Leorio...his legs hanging, one foot over the other. A vague look...

"Gon" Leorio inhaled, trying to wake the younger one from his reverie "you should call Mitosan after your shower. We're aiming to arrive as soon as possible.

Gon nodded. But then his feet continued to fidget.

"...Leorio... you're wrong..."

"Sorry Gon?" he was puzzled

"I... was thinking that... you're wrong..." he inhaled "Killua...he has nightmares, not because he is not taking pills. That- that only will help. He has nightmares because..." He shrugged disheartened "Because he's haunted..."

Leorio's eyes flashed.

"Aren't you two anyway" the words slipped from his mouth against his will. The doctor immediately bit his lip "well aren't we all…" he tilted his smile "but… at least we're together no?"Pulling the subject away. Gon should not be the one burdened with this.

Gon nodded. Looking at the floor.

Today... in completely different ways he... he had almost lost two friends. Kurapica almost...fled from them...hadn't he? And Killua... Suddenly he felt something akin to regret-regret he knew he'd blocked since that mother foxbear had been killed because of his fault. Overwhelming regret he always, always avoided.

But he now realized that maybe...maybe given another chance he would not do again what he had done today... He would take things back-he'd almost...lost two friends. As hunters they were always at risk but...why he felt so frightened to lose them all?

---

xxx...xxx...xxx...xxx...xxx...xxx... xxx...xxx

...

The water trickled down his shoulder, down his hair and neck… He lifted his head up, to feel the raining droplets on his forehead and closed lids. He'd tried to make it short for Gon to shower too. But he enjoyed the scalding hot water down his skin. He'd soaped three, five times, more? Cleanse, cleanse, cleanse…

The gash to his knee was gone. The bullet he'd taken was but a phantom feeling down his shoulder. The cut down his front and back-they'd healed- those old nags– they were gone, half thanks to his own healing rate and half out of Kurapica's specialization, working in unknown ways through his body. The gash to his hipbone was a thin white line.

…Even Gon's blood ran through his veins…

He finally stepped out into the cold bathroom tiles. As the white warm towel dried his skin he felt like nursed to health…

But he could still fathom the labyrinths in his mind. Suddenly he yearned for Gon's company- to stop the dreading thoughts-Hisoka's words; their truth-the dream- he suddenly yearned to shower again just to feel the cleansing scalding hot once more. He hesitated in front of the mirror, his gaze avoiding the pale body but thinking.

Only one more shower…

A knock was heard. He opened up a little with discomfort. Trying to wrap and cover himself entirely with the towel.

It was Gon. The boy smiled at him from the crevice of the door, carrying a set of neatly folded pajamas. "I thought you'd want yours." He looked at the dripping silver strands amicably and the violet beneath "Their fabric is so soft!" he chirped.

Killua found himself opening the door properly.

"Thanks dude. I don't want to use those rags I was wearing ever again" he pointed to his discarded clothes at one dark corner.

"Not even your favorite shirt? I think the guys have it" Gon smirked sarcastic.

"We can burn it. The shower's yours" He'd let Gon in with familiarity and closed the door behind. Gon's eyes seemed to lighten at the trust. He began talking about his own fight eagerly while simultaneously stripping off his muddy garments.

And Killua felt relief. He amazed at this. He could finally restore that. He... could let Gon near…

The albino had let the towel hanging from his shoulders and unfolded his pyjamas listening. He…did not feel shame. If he ever had it was the first time he'd been forced to bath with Gon at his house-so long ago... And after that many more baths and showers came until it was a routine of theirs to share. He ruffled his hair with the fabric, and dried his arms and chest and body. He then pulled the pyjamas pants up, assenting and cutting in with ever surprised comments at the battle-Gon was really tough sometimes wasn't he?

And then Gon with a chuckle made him realise the pyjama was too huge for him-the material crumbled at his ankles. Putting the long-sleeved top only confirmed that it was meant for a grown tall adult. Nude Gon examined the pyjama he'd carried for himself and yes, it was the same oversized cut. There weren't any of their size on the aircraft. Killua laughed-no one was taking him out of his pyjama anyway. It was just too cosy.

Gon entered the shower still talking, nothing Killua hadn't seen before, and even though he pulled the curtain not to let the water out, Killua sat at the floor comfortably chatting at him- at the tanned animated blur, that once in a while poked out his head to emphasise.

He'd missed this. He'd missed this so… To be himself with Gon. Not guarded. Not hiding.

Gon seemed to have missed this as much as he had.

Suddenly the conversation had turned to the topic of his own chase at Machi, then him as a hostage-

-hostage... he snorted…He told the story slowly and accurately...He'd even fought with his yoyos.

By the time Gon was out, already dried and pants up, a towel as well to his shoulders, a small silence settled. One that warned the albino of a much yearned to be asked question, just by staring unto the honeyed depth.

"Killua…what was your plan? You were bound…"

"I hadn't one." He looked at Gon with a drained smile "I was half trying to pull out some sort of trick the entire time. But I couldn't free myself… I couldn't." he hesitated… "Or that's what I thought…" he monotoned.

"And you just didn't tell them a thing. Despite…" he trailed…his voiced hushed thinking on the bullet.

Killua looked down at his pale feet… "It surprises you" There hadn't been disappointment in his voice. He asked…sincerely. He realized he was scared to know the answer; Gon was surprised about him being loyal. But well, whatever he had it coming…Kurapica did see right through him and-

But Gon shook his head, sitting in front of him, his knees pulled up

"Don't mistake me because it doesn't surprise me Killu. You have always defended me in dangerous situations without a single question-sometimes its unnerving! Well, it's not that, it's just... I admire you" his voice at first vigorous, had softened at the end.

Killua did not voice out the thought of how the entire time he'd only tried to act more like that person in front…

"Kurapica...hates us" Gon replied sadly.

"He doesn't hate you... But I would hate us too" Killua assented.

"I got slapped by Leorio"

"I got slapped by Kurapica!" Killua smiled amused and they both laughed. But then Gon asked what he knew was coming. They were both seated so comfortably on the bathroom floor… mirroring each other in the restrictive space.

And he answered. Hisoka had appeared out of the blue… The jester had been searching for the whale island kind as always. Wasn't that predictable- He'd commented but the joke was empty, and he did feel the detached anticipation.

Gon's eyes were friendly, non judgemental. He lost himself sometimes in the caramel color. And he found himself speaking at reasonable ease about the gun, the ricocheting bullet, the saving deck card interred deep, his appearance, the exchange of words- Gon made things so easier….

"Hisoka had bargained with them…The spiders are working with him for some reason"

Gon assented frowning

"I have my theories…" Killua pointed.

"But how…"

The albino assented. "As he was leaving… he" the boy hesitated... " You know how he deviates on the edges of words…well he calculatedly just turned to say …" Gon noticed the subtle tensing of his friend's shoulders blades " he turned to say...fucked up things… twisted things-he-agh-he spoke sick words...and suddenly I was out of my binds fighting him." The violet eyes were hazed lost to the memory. And brought himself back with a shrug "I guess I just needed the ignition" his laugh was hollow. He met the raven's gaze directly

"I… attacked him killer mode Gon. I…became covered in his blood and still he did not attack back, he just laughed" he did not lower his gaze "and I didn't stop… I just continued to shred him to pieces and he just didn't attack- I was wrong but I couldn't...stop... I was going to kill him"

"I owe him…" Gon interrupted him.

"What?" he'd expected an admonitory call out. Hisoka was Gon's match, Gon to fight. And he'd attacked someone who hadn't fought back. He'd attacked someone who was going to help Gon…he'd-

"He saved you" Gon shrugged.

"Uh?"

Killua took that and then shook his head "no, he was aiming to save you! And I interfered Gon, I-"

"No…Killua... by the time he appeared on your scene, with Machi tearing you to pieces, he probably knew quite well I was already at Kurapica's hands. He came after you just too…. Help you free yourself of your binds. He knew what to say… as horrible as those words were, he knew what to say to make you rage"

"No. No. No" Killua shook his head wildly and Gon noted how his hair, recently dried was wild and fluffy.

Killua felt sick at the thought. His eyes had dropped to the tiled floor his guts twisting. "He hadn't anything to do in the matter" his voice had lowered in a snarl "he just was toying with me, he just was bored, he wanted to play his sick games and played me like a fool, he knew things and just wanted to mess with someone' head, he didn't try to –no- NO- he didn't Gon! Agh the fucked up scum - I never asked his help! I did not want to be saved!" his fists had clenched.

There was a silence

"Did you just hear yourself?" Gon eyebrow rose. He hid his shock, as best as he could.

"Argh, I meant… "

No… he suddenly understood why he'd been held there… and he hadn't been able to escape… He was strong…he'd just …. He did not process this any further but diverted "I didn't want Hisoka's help!"

"I don't care whoever helped you." Gon's voice lowered "We were fighting together…And I couldn't…"he trailed darkly "I couldn't… help you..."

"I was the one that could not help you!" Killua raised his voice exasperated but Gon at this only laughed. The water drops gleamed on his collarbone, down his tanned skin. He shrugged. "I don't care. I still owe that lunatic clown. You are here…"

"But why- I don't think he was trying to help me Gon, I mean, why me, why would he…I mean... Why? "

"THAT beats me." Gon laughed "but… he did… help you. I'll repay him one day, and then we'll fight" his eyes were full of wonder, of fire. Killua couldn't look at him back. He shone so bright...His own darkness…painfully etched to his conscience. Hisoka helping him. He discarded it out of his mind.

"Killu" Gon's voice suddenly was only a whisper… as Killua looked up he realized Gon was the one whose head had lowered. He knew what the boy was thinking

"You…" the raven murmured… "Before...you said… you said..."

"I knew you were going to bring it up...I'm...I'm sorry, I..." he hesitated "I had a bad dream, that's all"

"...You said...you wanted it all to be over" he mumbled

Suddenly he extended his hand to Killua's knee, as his eyes rose "Well...I promise you it will" his murmured

Killua felt detached. "It is over" he whispered vacantly. His gaze though, rested on the hand to his knee as a safe anchor... And Gon, he did not fall for the monotone... he couldn't help but look at those eyes "We are leaving Killu." his eyes sparked in determination, the lights of the bathroom pooling to their depth.

Killua lowered his gaze to their hands "we...are..."

"We are going far far away, we're having fun." Gon's tone was anxious.

Killua nodded slowly

"We are going to Whale Island"

"To Mitosan…" the albino added faintly, a yearn to his voice, his head still cast down.

"And I'm showing you how to fish the lake's giant"

Killua smiled faintly...

A silence blanketed them both

"Killu... You won't have to see him again" he voice low. "I promise"

Killua tensed an instant at the mention. He didn't lift his stare. He discerned Gon knew nothing. It was his keen intuition working, that nightly conversation under their created tent, the scene rose in front of his eyes…

He remembered the dream.
He felt himself drowning…

As if an echo his hand searched for Gon's hand. As if holding himself into place… He felt the surprise across Gon's skin and for a second he was going to let go in fear. But Gon's fingers interlocked to his own firmly without hesitation as they'd done that night... He felt the warmth of his skin... soothing his chest. Both their gazes were absorbed in that one lock, their firm grip…

They were so alone against the world…sometimes… he thought saddened…

"Gon… thank you…" he said weakly."For being my friend…thank you" he whispered.

Gon felt the albino's strong hold…as if clinging to something solid.

His words...

They hurt.

But tags didn't matter they'd said… so they wouldn't… he wouldn't dare make tags matter. As long as they remained together...

"Thank you Killua… for being my friend" he sealed.

---

xxx...xxx...xxx...xxx...xxx...xxx... xxx...xxx

...

Gon and him were sharing a huge bed as always-it was cheaper that way now that they were "broke". Leorio and Kurapica were also sharing, which would definitely cause a bullying chain next breakfast morning-Killua sniggered.

Kurapica had refused to be in the same bed with Leorio, saying he would sleep on the floor. It still was cheaper than renting another separate room in his words and anyway he slept in trees, so no big deal.

All big words the amused friends did not believe.

Leorio said he didn't care, he only was happy to sleep on a bed.

Gon had been sharing with Killua videos in u-tube and laughing on epic fails when he remembered he had to go to call Aunt Mito.

And so he'd been left alone. But it didn't matter, he was hooded by a huge blanket eating crumbles of cookies all spread out in his space of the bed. It began to snow quietly outside and he realized he hadn't a single clue as to where they were located in the planet. But they were heading to Gon's home. He comfortably wrapped himself in the fleece blanket, inside the bed its back against many pillows. It was perfect, in those oversize pajamas, playing his same old game boy, a cookie popping out of his mouth, that he would begin eating as soon as he won this last match-

The door opened unexpected.

"No. We're discussing this later" Leorio was speaking to Kurapica as he entered but the guys were silenced at Killua's startled jump, the cookie falling from his mouth to his lap. Immediately the color rose to his cheeks.

"Is there no privacy in here?! You knock before you enter! It's a RULE!" he protested, the back of his hands swiftly cleaning the crumbles in his face.

Leorio was smiling widely at the blanket-boy wrap "Wow…I think now I have seen it all...Killua Zoldick, you look so …adorable!"

"Shut up." He said, lowering his fleece hoodie away "And go and take a look at the mirror"

He had a point. Kurapica was dressed, but Leorio was on a two piece white pajamas with little hearts stamped all over.

"Oh well, that's what they had on the blimp, you know, all my clothing was dirty, and they only had this…"

Killua cut them short "What are you doing here. You're supposed to be in your room having sexy time"

The blonde rolled his eyes "Ok Killua, guess what, new plans: I can't take the jokes. So you sleep with Leorio and I'll sleep with Gon.

The boy in the bed paled "No!" he squealed horrified "You mean it? Please don't! Leorio snores!"

"I don't snore!" Leorio eyes widened abashed. Both Killua and Kurapica turned his head at the doctor in sync.

"You do"

Killua felt the game boy vibrate in his hands, and the three notes melody indicating he'd lost. "Well, I really hate you right now…" he scorned tossing aside the game boy "are you here to change rooms? I know you guys are always fighting but please don't, this has been the arrangement since forever"

"No… it's not that" Leorio rolled his eyes "you can take Gon. I'll take the difficult one here" Leorio smiled.

"Again, I'm not the one who snores..." Kurapica sighed. But he looked at Killua with a depth that taught him bad news. The blonde brought a chair next the bed, action that Leorio echoed which wasn't any better. Killua knew exactly what this was about but still his guts dropped. Both elders were looking at him.

"Ok Killua…" Leorio trailed. The boy tossed his blanket to one side.

"This seems a cross examination. Yes Leorio"

"Well, we were here because... we wanted to ask you …if you are fine" Leorio tried to synthesise. Ineffectively so and Kurapica shook his head- hadn't they prepared this? Leorio seemed utterly lost.

"And you came together to ask me this. What, did you corner Gon too for an interrogatory as well?" He turned to the blonde, the cool stare already adopted "Kurapica, if you're here to ask about what information we might have leaked, well rest assured we did not leak a thing. You happy?" The dark violet was cold.

"I'm not here for that" Kurapica said patiently.

"No, you're here to ask if I am fine. Well I am. Tell me again why wouldn't I be?" He spoke calmly, and looked at Leorio, those same panther eyes. Oh, his defences were barbed-wire high.

Leorio remained silent for a second. But Kurapica interrupted.

"I don't know about Leorio, but I think you definitely weren't well back in the forest" he did not blink.

"That is true, I agree. I had a gun shot to my neck" Killua tilted his head.

"Killua, with your gunshot and all, at the end you carried me to the airship."

Leorio's brow furrowed in question at this but Killua abruptly stood from the bed, away from them. He aimed at the mini bar-one he'd stolen from the ship and packed in his suitcase.

"isn't that the-" but none of them heard him as Kurapica spoke over Leorio "So I can only conclude it was not the wound that did that to you"

"Well, it was exactly what you saw, nothing more, nothing less. I had a breakdown. End of the story." He took a beer from the fridge and the boy leaned against the wall with ease to his movements,"However Kurapica you are not here to question me about that. You have other questions. What you meant to yell at me at the blimp-before you stopped yourself, maybe that? So, quoting Gon spit it." nonchalant aggressiveness in his voice, simultaneously opening the tap.

"Hey-" Leorio raised a hand, half to stop the boy from the chosen beverage, but he met a chilling stare

"What"

Leorio lowered his head. But he inhaled "I'll exchange you that beer for this chocolate bar" He tried to sound convincing. For an instant, the violet eyes softened.

But the cold stare was again adopted. He looked at the ground..

"…You... told him eh? no news there" he said lowly. There was a silence as Kurapica figured out the message's receipt was Leorio. However his silky voice, the mauvine eyes weren't accusing. They were… sad...staring at the floor.

"No. Killua I didn't-" Leorio stood but Killua didn't raise his gaze.

"It doesn't matter" his demeanour morose. "What do you want, I'm tired" he sat on a far off chair beside the table. Elbows to his knees as he took an unconscious swig of the can.

Kurapica took a step "Killua, Leorio didn't tell me a thing. I saw your bruises way back when you went to Pandora. I heard you guys talk by the pool. I was the one to confront Leorio as you weren't speaking"

Killua eyes flashed- Undoubtedly taken aback. But it only lasted a second as it was masked with that chilling hollowness, not once lifting his gaze.

"...Well Kurapica, maybe I wasn't speaking for a good reason..."

So both knew. From here there was no use in trying to act as if nothing had happened. They knew he was attacked. There was no turning back- He only could manipulate the story from now on… He hadn't noticed when his knees had bent and when his arms wrapped them, his beer hanging from one of his hands. Well- from the moment he'd realised Kurapica knew- the blimp- and awakening now, he hadn't had much time to invent a story.

Leorio approached the boy. Just a step, but Killua subtly seemed to recoil against his seat, avoidant.

"Killua… is that reason…gone?"

Killua's glare at the floor seemed to falter. He kept silent. He didn't know what to answer. He'd foreseen this conversation, but he hadn't foreseen the tightness of his chest... He inhaled. There weren't words...

"You're not sure" Kurapica tried to read him. "You're not sure the threat is gone…Killua… did they threaten your life?"

"I don't want to talk about this" he stood abruptly and aimed for the door with another sip of the beer.

"Wait" Leorio took his shoulder from behind. The boy tensed and backed away with a strange expression. Leorio faltered but Kurapica seemed unfazed by this as he still approached the albino.

"Killua, all that you said, about me being sincere so you can be better friends, why don't-"

"Oh yeah, and the part you yelled about me being a hypocrite, Kurapica, well, what can I say? It's absolutely true. I'm sorry, I'm a liar, a hypocrite, a sham, maybe not a single word of what I said to you before was true cause I'm a Zoldick right? But again, maybe you're the one that's right, friendship is overrated" His words sharply edged as a paper cut as he turned to leave.

Kurapica held him, his serenity unabated. He felt the shoulder stiffen under his hand and the muscles tensing in attempt of shoving him away but the taller one did not let him go.

"If it's so overrated, Killua why are you protecting him at all costs?"

The words settled, freezing the albino. His fist had clenched, even the one holding his beer. Kurapica's hand on his skin felt intolerable, he'd just showered himself clean and he only wanted to wash his hand away along with his words.

"Who says I am protecting anyone?" he snarled, his thoughts in full speed collisions inside his head.

"If you were not, you would have just shrugged right at the beginning of this conversation"

The boy seemed rigid under his grasp giving him his back. Kurapica couldn't see him; he only saw his downcast figure. But the voice that reached him was hoarse.

"Pl-please… let go off me…"

Something in his voice made Kurapica release him slowly.

Killua, still giving them his back, turned his shoulder blades, as if shaking something off. He wanted to lie, as he always did. He'd planned to lie, all along. But he couldn't, somehow all he'd been through, the entire time he'd been there…again, and again, his head had pleaded for the chance to ask for help, help, help. But he couldn't he had to remain strong in his decision-oh but the damned what if was killing him-killing him-

"Killua…" Leorio spoke softly from behind, as if knowing his thoughts were about to drown him on their weight. Killua felt the chocolate bar being put in his free hand. Killua exhaled slowly. There was no need to panic. It was all ok; it was all according to plan. He took a long swig out of the can and turned to handle it to Leorio.

"There…" he trailed, his gaze lowered. Well... it was almost empty. The boy sat on the bed as he tore the chocolate's foil wrapper with his teeth. He wouldn't meet their stares, there weren't' answers there. Kurapica took again his chair to sit right in front of the boy.

"Killua, we're at the end of the world. There's no possibility someone is chasing us. You can be sure of that, you and Gon are safe."

Leorio seconded him "Killu, you can trust us. The committee made sure we were secured. You are protected"

"Do you trust us?" Kurapica asked him…in a dejavu like reflection…

"Of course I do- it's, it's just-" But he stumbled stricken.–Do not tell. Never tell-But Killua what if, what if?- Protect him- but he hadn't heard of-of Brother- but he'd always follow him and it would never ever end-but maybe he could-maybe he could tell them- maybe they could help him- they could help him drive Brother away-could they? They would try to help him, he knew-his friends would try to help him at all costs- yes, of course not telling all, just the ask for help help- because he needed help-he needed help- he needed help-he opened his mouth- HE NEEDED-

And a razor-like image sliced through, as a lighting.

Oh and one last thing...Killua

His heart had stopped. And then he wasn't there- but- he'd lied on the bed-naked-the blanket under his palms, his body limp-dead-dead-the man at the door- he could not move- Oh and one last thing Killua-it repeated like echoes- One last thing-his lips moved slowly-Tell anyone…and I'll take him away with me. Until you find his small tanned body floating overseas

His eyes shut tight.

"Killua" Leorio immediately shook the boy knowing where this was going. Killua winced away. Effectively responding. His heart now thumping a hundred the minute.

He could not bear to loose...

...If you tell- he'd said- never to tell-years and years- The threat...the deal...the threat was real- as real as all of the man's threats had always been- and Gon- Gon-Gon..

He tried to bring himself back to his hands clasping the tight jeans in his knees not to loose it standing to close the edge.

Kurapica's stare was intent on him. They both were but he couldn't... he couldn't-

"I-I-t-trust you… it's just… I'm..." for the first time he spoke again after an entire minute silent

He hated to admit it and as if a reflex he laughed bitterly "I-I'm ..."

Afraid….

"Being prudent… prudent about this… I can't-"

"So you were threatened? Are you saying you were attacked and they did threaten-?"

"Leorio" Kurapica interrupted him with a warning look -not to make the boy retreat- just as Killua brow cringed at the words, but the blonde immediately called his name, directing his gaze towards the smaller one, his eyes rock firm, forcing him to look up.

"Killua, we swear to you it is safe to speak. That's one of the reasons we left the ship. And not only that, but, if there ever is actual retaliation, the moment you do trust us, the consequences will be assumed by us all"

Killua stare was lost in the ground. He understood…He nodded. He'd foreseen that as well...

"Did they attack you Killua? Back in the ship?" Kurapica asked calmly, almost coldly. Somehow the apparent lack of empathy took away the issue's gravity.

Killua sensed the tight knot at his throat and realised he still couldn't speak well. He slowly nodded. Not knowing at all what he was doing. Panic at the unwritten play ahead was slowly taking hold of him. He clasped tighter his jeans, the chocolate had vanished somehow, and he wanted his beer back and-

"How were you hurt?" Kurapica's voice was soft

He swallowed the knot, trying to speak "it doesn't matter much, does it? I've already healed"

"I still want to know" The blonde proceeded

"Well...w-what Leorio saw…" He looked at the doctor for help suddenly… But Leorio kept quiet. They'd spoken about this, Killua had to speak- he had to be the one to speak...

"What was it that Leorio saw? I didn't get to know" Kurapica replied gently.

"…nothing I haven't received before…" he spoke weakly.

That bit, he suddenly realised that last sentence was completely true. In all meaning levels. He had received nothing he hadn't received years past, nothing he wasn't prepared to receive as taught , nothing he did not deserve, nothing they would understand or needed to know, nothing he could not manage...

The only thing that had shaken him was ...the threat wasn't it? The otherness hadn't happened first place- and what had happened was nothing new. From that truth, first spoken, as if leveraged it became easier to tell of his other wounds as if a supermarket list "they cut my chest, my back, my hip… and they beat me, and broke my wrist. Pretty much it" He even assumed the formula "they" out of Kurapica's own words wittily. It was better to confuse them about the aggressor this way…

"You had carved a word" Leorio abruptly mumbled seeking the boy. As if he'd kept the doubt since that day

...that day... Killua tried to keep steady

"Yes... you got to see it?"

"No but why, why did they …carve you" the verb was difficult to spell out "with something?"

"Because they're bastards?" Killua said vexed and amused- all a mask of his own panic. He diverted "they carved the answer to one of my questions. That was all" -taking their mind of the attacker into the attack, trying to spin the web of a legitimate or credible story... still no ideas would come-Gon come in-Gon interrupt...

Gon...

The doctor was unrelenting "What-" But Kurapica had interrupted Leorio

"Killua… who… who was the one that did this to you?" His light blue eyes flashed.

Killua's heart beat loudly in his chest. He wondered if they could hear it, if they could hear it at his throat. Right at the end, the blonde had changed the language form-he'd noticed detached- he said "who was the one" instead of "who were the ones" and suddenly he felt more unsafe . He could… speak… the word, the answer… and let it all fall, fall fall. All his cards, all of Gon's cards, all of their destinies attached, drop scattered to his feet, he would not be in control but he'd receive help, he could receive help-but then he would not be able to foresee the outcome. But didn't he know all ready too well, he wasn't the one with luck- he'd never escaped-he couldn't. But Gon would escape...would he?- Him observing- Gon- There's this boy Killua...so much stamina-Him, Him, Him in every shadow- wouldn't it be nice to play with hi-Killua-if you tell-his body- Killua listen-overseas-

He took his hands to his head

"Where's Gon?" He suddenly spoke his eyes glazed.

Kurapica, took his cell phone from his pocket ready for this.

"Look for yourself"

Gon was in the screen, as if being recorded by a hidden camera from above. A phone hung to his hand. He was laughing.

"We are safe" Kurapica repeated. "…Killua…you must tell us who…we-are-safe- You must tell us who"

But he remained silent, his elbows to his knees, his head hanging, his eyes shut.

He could not

Kurapica repeated the question.

He could not

Who-

the words the blonde spoke blurred into a scrambling chaos of vowels, to the echoes... the screams inside his dreams vivid, vivid..I can't- If you tell Killua

He stared at Kurapica, unlooking.

I can't...

I...can't...

"Killua" the silence was too extended, the lack of words, the things unsaid, the silence and the lost stare, he tried to call him back "Killua" a firm adamant voice reached him.

He snapped his head... his eyes glazed...

Suddenly, Kurapica's voice hesitated. "Killua" Leorio immediately sensed the break in the aloof stance of the blonde as he asked unable to stop himself "Please… do at least tell me if it involves me-was it the...phantom brigade? You must tell me- Did they attack you back at Pandora? Did they threaten to kill Gon if you told us about what happened? Who was it? who attacked you-Was it them?"

His eyes...that's all Killua took note of at first.

Leorio realized that the blonde wasn't handling Killua's silence any better than he was.

Suddenly the boy was struck. He realised that if he let Kurapica speak his theories, it would come out on its own, the story he needed. And that's how evil he was.. that's how selfish he was... Gon that's the monster I am.. Gon.. Gon..

Biting his lip, as if throwing a risky dice, he slowly nodded. Oh it was immediate..an agonisingly slow rip, like cloth tearing strongly inside, Kurapica's gaze taking in the information... He was a liar… he'd warned them he was a liar.

"They were" his voice faint...

Killua could not nod again. He just stared to his own palms.

"They told you something like they would permanently track you to use you against my will isn't it? And then they told you not to share this or Gon-"Kurapica's voice increased in anxiety, in speed, his eyes fixed on the boy's frame...

And Killua nodded. The disjointed wring twisting inside his chest-as he took in Kurapica's expression, his slumping shoulders, his shocked gaze. Killua shut his eyes. This is for Gon... this is for Gon. He knew they would be completely convinced and leave the issue alone-they ought to stay away from this for their own safety as well. It was their guilt and safety... rather than their meaningless death in a quarrel meant only for two...

Yet... He knew how bad he was hurting the one in front… he knew, he knew, he knew, he knew

The kuruta took this last gesture –the boy's eyes closed tight-as confirmation sign of all he'd suspected. The phantom brigade had threatened the boy. Now, not only he, Kurapica feared them… Killua did so as well. So much as to paralyse him. So much as to render him wordless...

Kurapica couldn't help the hand to his , remain collected-for them all. He adopted the callous mask again, not showing the horror he felt.

"Killua what was the question?"

"Uh"

"They carved you the answer to a question…which question was it?"

Killua's stare was dead into the carpeted ground.

"Why" the word flew from his lips without a second thought.

"Why what?"

Killua remained silent. "It…it was a why to many things… " he whispered. There were many whys unanswered many oh so many- to the silent murders, to the lack of justice, the slaughter and vice-gripping misery humanity was rendered to be, to always be- the many whys...

"What was the answer?"

Killua took a deep breath. To see Kurapica like this...desperate... But it was better; it was the safest way…Now the actual carved word would immediately indicate them his...his aggressor. The words again flew of his mouth… As if lies mingled with truths were better spoken than lies on their own

"Because I can. That was the answer"

The words echoed in the room.

Kurapica stood abruptly, unable to repress himself. Simultaneously the doctor stood, a hand to the blonde's shoulder. Killua couldn't look. He just couldn't look. The weight of his own words left unsaid, of his own hurting lies- they seemed to be related to the scarcity of air "I'm…sorry... Kurapica, I'm sorry I'm."

"What?! I'm sorry Killua!" the blonde let out of breath. "I'm… so... so…"

"Don't…please don't…it's not your fault Kurapica, and they didn't do anything but threat, empty words" Killua shook his head vigorously."it was nothing"

"It was not nothing…" the blonde barely whispered."You… taking things in your own hands, that's why you confronted them, wasn't it? Gon didn't know, but you took matters into your own hands today, that's why you meddled into my affairs-you were brought to them unwilling on the first place …and…"

Killua felt the wave of guilt, shame, his words weren't true. He'd been just as lazy as Gon. He'd just wanted to help; it hadn't been heroism, but simple solidarity. It hadn't been out of an invented threat or something, but to actually just help Kurapica get a hostage. He kept silent, wondering how much he could stand of this pretence.

It'd always been so easy to pretend, to lie around people he didn't give a damn about. Now…

But Kurapica seemed unable to withhold his questions, his assumptions, speaking out of the raw-

"Killua, they didn't want me to know they still considered you valuable hostages…didn't they? That's why they silenced you- They didn't want me to know they'd coerce your actions, and my actions through yours, they didn't want me to know they'd infiltrated fear into our group, acting like that from within…"

"No-I never-I did not intend" The albino stood shaking his head.

"Killua, you took the best path you could at all times… you were always protecting us"

The albino closed his open mouth. He once again recollected himself "Kurapica, now I'm fine, and they aren't here, it is over-let's just…"forget this. It did not happen…

As if sensing the anxiety of the younger one, Kurapica took a hand to his head and inhaled. He turned gently, with soothing eyes"It is over now." The light blue now candid pools- with all the effort Kurapica could muster "Now that you told us we can work this together… Now you are not alone on this." He smiled faintly. There was only a subtle trace in his expression of how violently he'd been shaken.

Killua felt himself swaying in his feet. That last words weren't true either. He was alone. They all were..."But now its a thing past Kurapica, we ought to let it go... it is over now isn't it?"

"Killua" Kurapica's tone turned serious "I don't ever want you to burden yourself with something like this again. I know you tend to that and I know it's your nature but promise me you won't. Promise me you will seek for help if you are threatened, if you are in trouble"

Killua knew the exact words to close this farce- these lies stuck to him like spider webs.

"I promise you…if you promise to do so as well" the younger one spoke emptily. But, aware of this, he repeated the line again, this time with a convincing tone and an actually fake but genuine looking smile. Gon would had spoken that line...and Killua knew they'd bought it all and he realized it made him sick and yet he tried to clear his expression from any trouble for both of them, acting what would feel like relief, what would have felt like had he been unburdened. Sensing the deep abyss in front of his feet.

Kurapica nodded "I promise. I vow to you I won't be as I was before. You and Gon had a point and I take it. I promise you Killua I will be sincere"

"Pinky promise!" suddenly Leorio interjected. They both looked at him sceptic but he continued "Pinky promise now, the pinky promise is unbreakable. Gon would back me on this one here"

Kurapica exhaled almost rolling his eyes. But he held his pinky awkwardly, playing along "I pinky promise"

"I pinky promise too" Killua went through the acts reluctant as their pinkies locked.

"Don't ever betray your friends" his father's voice...

He just had to keep laser focused. He repeated this line in his head.

"Guys… I told you this... but I need you not to tell Gon" Leorio was surprised by the hidden despair in the violet gaze.

"Why Killu?" Leorio questioned "It is all over for real"

"We do not know that" The boy insisted. "But I do know Gon is rash. He acts impulsively…if he knew all this ordeal maybe he would go and try to avenge us and I can't let him…I can't. I can't-"

But Kurapica nodded comprehensively

"He's right Leorio. Maybe in the future. But right now, telling him will only be counter-productive. He's difficult to contain..."

"Yes he is" Leorio sighed.

"I'm ...sorry guys... for keeping this...for making you worry, it was nothing... I didn't mean to-" lie

"It was not nothing Killua"

"I did not want to worry you, I'm fine, really. Kurapica...it wasn't your fault. Ok? get it please"

"Don't linger on that. Killua, remember... if you are in trouble...please come to us. We're here, available"

Killua nodded wearily. "Yeah yeah yeah...I'm..." he exhaled "I'm tired... just a sec" he aimed for the bed where he'd been interred before the intervention, exhausted.

"Killua..." The blonde trailed...

"Want a cookie?" he offered the guys, trying to act as if nothing had happened. But the blonde approached the boy in the bed and knelt, a hand to the boy's arm

"Killua…thank you…really…" and his eyes were so sincere. He most assuredly thought he now felt numb and dead but no. That look just deepened the rip in his chest "I did not intend you to go through this"

"I know" was that... Kurapica's actual... care?...He felt empty. Hollow... Somehow...at a moment of that day he'd felt burning to his skin Kurapica's image of him as he yelled: a killer, a liar,one not to be befriended-he'd always thought that was the image the Kuruta had of him: just another Killer. He'd never thought Kurapica considered him a ...friend...

But now that all his preconceived judgements turned out to be not real but a remnant of his paranoid defensive mind, now that Kurapica was knelt there in front, choosing to support him over fleeing them...caring for him as if his past did not count at all, seeing him for who he was right there, right now...Actually trying to see him.

And him having lied. It all proved he actually was the killer, the liar, the one...not to be...befriended

"I should have been able..." Killua's voice was low "I should have been able..."

"No,Killua No. It was a decision that shouldn't have been placed on your shoulders on the first place. Killua...I'm indebted to you...and I admire you... I'm glad I'm your friend"
twisting guts- "You tried your best to protect Gon, and me, and us… I won't forget this" a knife stuck in deeper. His blue eyes were warm. The blonde bit his lip, but then he stood and aimed for the door.

They'd spoken about this. All the ways in which they would approach the boy so that he did not feel cornered to lie, so that they could drift towards the truth knowing the height of the albino's fences. And they'd agreed on this. Actually Kurapica had suggested it- I'm his friend Leorio but he doesn't trust me that much. But he does trust you. He'll feel safer in a one to one conversation. You have to try...insist, please insist… try...try your best…please...try your best… we have to know what happened"

The blonde had taken his cue "Guys I'll leave you two here, Gon's out of the sight of my cell phone, so I'm going to get him." He excused.

"Gon's-" Killua blurted

"He's fine. You'll see how I bring him in one piece. I'll join you shortly"

And he'd left.

Killua shook his head. If he took one, only one second inside his crowded mind, he would collapse. He immediately turned to Leorio "you want a cookie?" He directed to the doctor a clear lavender gaze, the best he could muster. The doctor's brow creased…

"I've been meaning to ask you something Killu"

The boy suddenly liked the word Killu on the doctor's speech feeling beyond exhausted not to be befriended. He let himself fall like a potato sac against the pillows

"Shoot"

"When they ….first attacked you…you were in a real bad state" Killua imperceptibly tensed. So they were still at it.

The show must go on...show must go on...show must go on...

"Yeah… I was a wreck…" Killua scratched his back shrugging.

"Did…" Leorio inhaled "did they do anything else to you"

"No" he said simply "I mean… you saw me…er...the cut in front, the one in the back-"

"Yes…but…" he tried to sound firm "did they hurt you in any other way?"

"mmm... I mean…yeah, they tortured me." He tried to shrug off.

Leorio insisted "I'm sorry I'm asking but I need to know… how did they torture you"

"You honestly want the details? They cut me…they beat me.. they broke the much it"

"With what did they cut you?"

"A pocket knife" he felt a string to his chest at the sudden image of the upraised weapon-.

"Did they do anything else to hurt you… "

Killua focused his stare on the doctor's tie.

"What else could they do?" his eyes were clear as his head tilted.

It was almost unnerving.

"You…you were shaken by that…weren't you … because of how they hurt you"

Killua's eyes darkened.

"You're right… there is something else they did…they threatened Gon" he was looking at his hands "for all the rest…I was pretty much prepared for…but that..."

That was finally true.

"Oh god I keep forgetting that." Leorio nodded. The doctor tried to swallow…drily... Somehow...he wasn't sure that the boy…

"Killu…and how are you now?"

"I'm fine…wasn't that the entire reason of your cornering the poor boy unexpected on the safety of his sleeping chamber?" he raised a sarcastic eyebrow

Leorio remained serious, exhaling "Your sleep…"

"…that…" he trailed… "Well…I do need help with that..."

"You're not taking the pills I gave you are you?"

He slowly shook his head

"I...it was more out of laziness… I keep forgetting"

"Here" the doctor took a paper out of its pocket "is the dosage. This I calculated with rigorous mathematics and what I learned treating you that day at the nursery. The pills I gave you…they are Nen induced. As your body is physically resistant to all drugs… I concluded Nen and a strong dosage was necessary- God that day was stressful. .You know playing with Nen is dangerous. But I figured you out." he commented. Killua had to take his time to admire the skill of the doctor "well, you take them…and you should be able to have a sound sleep at night. I'll knock you off. You must take them early in the night- they take one hour to have effect and if you take them too late, you'll wake up late as well. Also we must consider that I can't give you this dosage out of nothing. You'll be increasing from zero to 2 mg by quarters every four nights ok?"

"Why?"

"I'm no psychiatrist and that scares the hell out of me. So we are doing this by the manual"

"Ok…" Killua nodded obedient. But his expression wavered…

"Leorio…" he hesitated…"I'm….well… it's all been stressful hasn't it and… I …lost…it…again…back there at the forest…I...like...when…."

"Yes…that... Killu, it has as a name. It's-"

"I don't care…I just…you have something for that too? I don't want to go losing my head in every battle you know..."

Leorio wished he could tell the boy it wasn't that simple. Haunted he'd said...

"It's complicated...But I'll work on it. Really, homework for me, I'll consult colleague hunters."

Killua seemed relieved.

Just then Gon exploded into the room

"KILLUA!" he launched towards the bed and for the first time the albino's chest soothed "I have so much to tell you! Mitosan is expecting us with our favourite food, and she's got presents for us! And she told me Gonta's child is already growing! And grandma and Mito helped delivering a baby in the island!" Gon radiated excitement…

Kurapica waited by the door as the doctor waved goodbye-not without a phrase of the boys akin to something like "have a good sexy time-or something of the sort.

Outside he sought Leorio eyes, distressed, trying to read any answer in them.
Leorio negated with a movement of his head. He'd only been beaten- though the 'only' was badly positioned in there...but nothing else...

Inside Killua turned at Gon anxious, pleading if they could watch a movie- Saw I- he needed his mind to be distracted, he desperately needed it. Gon acquiesced sensing something was wrong, but just rolled his eyes at his friend's likes in movies.

...

---

xxx...xxx...xxx...xxx...xxx...xxx... xxx...xxx

Almost Four am and the hour painted scenes to each mind.

Kurapica had disappeared right after their conversation with Killua...He was nowhere in the hostel.

Leorio had been left alone to his thoughts… Somehow it'd all gone well…and yet the doctor's heart was at unease… He'd been restless. He'd tried seeing movies-reading. But he gave up to his mattress. Still awake.

As the first minutes of Time's handles turned slowly to a new hour, the door opened. Leorio felt a body slump over the bed. It was the blonde. As Leorio realized he'd fallen on top of the covers still dressed he approached. And smelt the alcohol.

"Kurapica"

But his friend was giving him his back, his tresses messily spread against the mattress. Leorio sat up. He found his now dark blue eyes blankly fixed in the wall...

Leorio couldn't help it. He took the small fist against the bed. "Hey"

Kurapica closed his eyes, as if shunning from him, suddenly curling, his grip tightening against the blankets.

Only then Leorio noticed the wet trail on his right cheek.

"Hey, hey-"

"It's my fault" his eyes shut tight-he barely breathed. Leorio took his thumb to clear away the tears, repeating it wasn't, it wasn't his fault, and he knew whose fault it was-the phantom brigade-it'd never been his fault. The blonde shook his head, a hand to his mouth as he abruptly sat, he negated, and he could not believe...he felt the warm hand caressing his nape, the other slowly trying to take his hand from his mouth-it's ok, Kurapica, look at me, please believe me...
That was all it took for the blonde to turn- his lips seeking his own, the blonde was kissing him wildly, desperately. As if trying to drink from him a relief to his blazing lungs, searching under his clothes as if for answers, his embrace tight, clasped to his shoulders as if hanging from a cliff, afraid of a tidal wave to come, kissing him harshly, deeply, his clothes gone. Just as last time and the time before that…they were both drowning...

After it all, the blonde had separated, and curled to his own side of the bed, not even an acknowledging glance or just passed out. As always;

The doctor's body was trailed by his saliva. He looked at the blonde's sleeping form. He turned to the roof. His eyes were unwilling to close.

He felt the empty taste of the alcohol in his lips, his kisses now gone as ghosts again his lips. But they'd gone through the moves to many times for him to care...

Killua had lied. In something. He didn't know what but he'd lied.

He felt lost... His mind took him to his faraway interred memories as if to suit his glum melancholy. That face revisited him, past images to a candle light like a road a hundred times travelled...He saw him, that lost boy... The first friend. The first friend he'd ever had. His first lover. His first kiss. His first death. His reason to become a hunter. It'd been so long he could not remember his eyes well, their colour... It was so long he did not feel love or anything but a sweet wistfulness, so long he'd turned into a symbol...of the haven's that don't last...of the things he could not change...

He couldn't know Killua, at the moment sat in a corner of his room, awake, hours on end staring in silence at the window. His still silhouette sometimes faded against the wall. He was hollow.

It was his own fault- it was his own matter to settle, he could not risk anyone-Together they still wouldn't be able to hold Him back-he could not risk Gon, he could not risk the guys-his...his...friends- he didn't know if he was being followed or not and telling would've only accomplish retaliation that the four could not take together. He was that strong. He was that cunning.

And Killua was just that a liar...

The boy was wary of sleeping. Today, he'd proved what they'd always told about him, he proved to be moulded out of what they'd designed, of what they'd predicted, and the way he was handling everything seemed to prove them right- he wasn't meant to have friends, he wasn't meant to have any other life was he? Was he? … But he still stood vigil, just in case…He refused to take the pills because if he wasn't able to wake up when an attack happened, he would not be able to protect Gon...and he would not forgive himself were the case...

Well, it must have been a heck of a great vigil, because as lost in thought as he was he didn't notice unfamiliar companionship until his shoulder was shaken gently.

Gon stood in front of him. That's why it wasn't unfamiliar...

His sleepy honey eyes stared at him longly. Resigned eyes. His hand extended.

Killua took it. Gon lifted him and tugged him back to their bed.

...

Right then Biscuit was landing at the closest airport- miles and miles away. She had her limits. But the reach of her will to help star apprentices, sometimes, yes sometimes, not even Biscuit was able to fathom.

---

xxx...xxx...xxx...xxx...xxx...xxx... xxx...xxx

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A/N:

Longest chapter and A/N ever... The xxxx...xxxx are because division lines are unreliable...They appear and disappear at their own volition.

Hello guys :) Im so so thankful for all your reviews...really guys.

As one of my reviewers pinpointed, I have a copy of this work in Adult f f net. I haven't updated it though. But the reason of this is because despite all my warnings, I'm still infringing the rules of this site... If they ever get across my work, they will delete it without giving me a copy or any back up, and they are in their right. This however frightens me to death as my only real finished, polished copy of it all is online at this site. I began to update this in the other site because were it the case they flamed me or anything (please don't x.x)I'll have to rely in someone of you to have a copy, or to update the copy of this on the other site...

I still chose ff net over other sites because it has way more reach than any others I know... The ones who enter at Adult ff net usually are borderline scared of finding porn all over (it's not true) but it is a reason the site is visibly less popular. I haven't gotten a single review in that other site. But my work at least is protected...

Well... that cleared out, I will still write what I have to write without censorship. That is the way this story is crafted upon, it intentionally relies on depicting the subject in its entirety... One of my many intents is for emotional processes to be understood. The chain-up is born from the raw dark unspeakable experiences...I wish to portray.

Thanks to all of those who have given me your support. You don't know what it means to me...

Thanks to everyone who answered my poll :) New readers are welcomed to answer it whenever you want. Underages out there do not feel discriminated, I know there are(painful for me) 13 and 14 (and not as painful) 15 and 16 and 17 year olds out there reading but I'm sure that if you stumbled with this subject and have stuck with me its because you can handle what I give you. I hope. I've contacted you all as I could :) I still recommend you to skip whatever you think is inappropriate for you.

Reply to unsigned Reviewers:

Kai: Thank you for your review! It kind of soothes me really...I'm aware children are exposed to sexual themes from a young age (songs, videos, advertisement, internet etc) but it definitely conflicts me as to how in these media the matter is handled.I hate when rape gets romanticised! Its so UNREAL.
Sometimes in real life though child sexual abuse can get romanticised from the child points of view (the abuser never actually sees the child, but the child needs the abuser's love) which doubles the damage... but I did not make Killua's case such (though he does need his brother's approval...). I will explore on the subject though in a future chapter, with other characters...

Papam and Jagathunder: Thankyou for answering the poll. Hugs to you :)