First Love Lost
Chapter 21 - Eye Contact

When Friday arrived, I had hoped to see an improvement in Jasper. I didn't. He was now ignoring his own friends as well as everyone else around him. The first two classes of the day passed by with little contact between Jasper and me.

It wasn't much different for anyone else. He completely ignored Alice. She tried talking to him when she walked into Calculus, but it was as if she wasn't there. Her words of warning from the first day of school returned to my brain in a painful rush. I did the exact thing that she said I would. I destroyed her family. If I was perfectly honest, I had to admit that I only helped in the destruction of her family, which probably needed to be destroyed anyway. Besides, Jasper was the one who choose to distance himself from his friends. Most of this was on his shoulders. I refused to take all of the blame. Call me rotten and selfish, but it was the truth as I saw it.

My fourth period class brought with it an uncomfortable talk with Esme. Tuesday was the usual meeting of her group after school, and I had forgotten it completely. She only mentioned it in passing when I saw her at home that afternoon. Attendance wasn't mandatory by any means, but my absence was noted. Apparently, that wasn't the only absence that had drawn attention.

"Bella, can I see you in my office?" Esme requested.

I followed her inside and sat in one of the chairs in front of her desk.

"We missed you at the meeting on Tuesday."

"I forgot," I reminded her.

"It happens. I wouldn't have thought much about it if you didn't seem to be a little off here lately."

Great. I was hoping she hadn't noticed. "I'm fine. No worries. It's probably just all of the business with Charlie."

Esme crossed her arms over her chest. "That's what I thought until I had a talk with Mr. Banner an hour ago. He told me that you and Edward have been skipping class or leaving it altogether. Is there something you would like to say about that?"

I couldn't very well tell her that my first thought was to wipe the Earth of Mr. Banner's existence. She might think that I was serious, which I kind of was. Why did he suddenly decide to grow a pair and talk to the group mother that was played by the lovely Esme Cullen? The answer was simple. Edward and I didn't have any real power. Jasper was the one with the influence, and the teachers had started to take notice of the rift in the group.

I gave her an innocent smile and made my excuse. "I was having some problems, and Edward was helping me work through them."

"Would those problems have anything to do with Jasper Whitlock?"

Damn, she's good. "No, why would they?" I lied.

"Bella, I know that Jasper has been having some problems, which coincidentally started at the same time you began acting differently."

I had nothing to say.

Esme's eyes seemed to be searching mine. I was determined to give her nothing.

She continued with an understanding look on her face. "He is a very charismatic young man. A person could find themselves drawn to him fairly easy and not know what they are really getting in to until it's too late."

If you only knew. "Is there something you want to ask me?"

"I'm not trying to upset you, but I will not deny that I'm concerned. Jasper isn't someone you want to mess with. If you dive into that pool, you may not be able to swim. Just be careful, and if you need anyone to talk to, I'm here."

My guard lowered slightly. I was tempted to talk to her. My discussion with Edward had left me with more questions than answers, and trusting Esme wasn't a problem. She was one of the few people who truly cared for me.

"Everyone talks about him like he's so dangerous, but he's not like that at all. I don't understand why people don't see what I see," I told her.

Did I just say that? I'm starting to spout out crap that I don't even believe. I know Jasper isn't good for me.

She moved to the chair next to mine. "My concern is that he isn't who you think he is or who I think he is. Every time I talk to him, it's like meeting a different person."

"You don't like him, do you?" I asked.

She smiled sadly. "Oh, I like him. I just don't trust him."

I listened to her words and considered them carefully. It would be stupid to disregard her opinion. She had seen more of the world than I had and possessed a deeper understanding of people than I probably ever would.

In all honesty, her concerns matched my own. Did I really know who Jasper was? Was I ready for the kind of relationship that I would have with him? We weren't the kind of couple who started slow and took our time. If we got back together, our relationship would be even faster this time. Everything about us would be a mad dash to the finish. It all felt like too much too soon and left me frightened, especially considering how it ended before.

It was now lunchtime, and I was in the cafeteria with Angela staring at my vegetable of the day. Green beans were a nice change from the carrots and corn.

As I stared at my plate, Angela continued with her favorite past time, the Jasper commentary of the day. "Bella, I think you should try talking to him again."

"No. All he does is ignore me."

"Well, he's not ignoring you now. Would you please look at him? I'm getting tired of the same old thing every single day. All he does is watch you. It's making me nervous."

She was nervous. What a laugh. "If Jasper makes you nervous, how do think he makes me feel? It's no fun being on the receiving end of his attentions."

Ben joined us. "Oh, boy. It's rerun Friday. I really think we should look into a restraining order," he suggested. "The guy is slowly flipping his lid."

He might have been right about that, but I wasn't going to admit it. "Don't be mean. He's just having a rough time right now."

Quit lying to yourself, Bella.

Angela rolled her eyes. "A rough time of his own making. Now, his friends aren't even talking to him. He's sitting all alone today. They didn't even bother to show up for lunch."

When Ben agreed with her, I frowned at them both. "You have no idea what got him on this path."

Angela shook her head at me. "Seriously, Bella you need to pull your head out of the sand. The guy is in love with you, and it's driving him crazy that you're not together."

I wanted to disagree. I wanted to close my ears and erase the words from my head, but I couldn't. The truth was that I knew he loved me. I also knew that it wasn't enough. The one thing I needed most was something that he could never provide me, stability. I had never had any, and I needed it desperately. Jasper was a constant earthquake. When I was with him, my feet were never on solid ground. They were slipping and sliding underneath me and changing all the best parts of who I was.

"Angela, you don't know what you're talking about," I lied.

She groaned in frustration. "Okay then. Look at him. Instead of being a coward, raise your little head up, and look at him. It's written all over his face. I don't see how people are so oblivious to that fact."

Oblivious was easy. Anyone with two functioning eyes and a brain could see that I was totally out of his league. No one could picture us together. The idea of Jasper and me being a couple was laughable at best. At worst, it was a disaster. We were together for only a brief amount of time, and it had already turned into this mess. A retread would probably leave one of us dead.

"Bella," she said trying to get my attention. "Save my sanity, and look at him."

No. Seeing him weakened my resolve. I could control my thoughts better when I wasn't lost in him.

Lost was the perfect word. I was as lost as everyone else when it came to Jasper. He blew into my life and transplanted me into a world of tangled vines. This world of his threatened to pull me down into a place too dark to make my way out of. I couldn't let myself do that. I had to be strong, or I would lose who I was. I wouldn't make that sacrifice, not for Jasper or anyone else.

Angela slapped her hand on the table. "Look at him."

Okay. Now, I'm starting to get pissed. Was she trying to push me into rush hour traffic? Clumsy Bella just got hit by a car. Stupid Bella just got blown away by the wind speeds of a hurricane. Violent Bella just punched Angela in the face.

My hand started to curl up into a fist. It was tempting beyond belief. I was tired of the pushing and the pulling. I was sick of this damn school with its sheep and its fucked up hierarchy. I had had just enough of everyone thinking that they knew what was better for me than I did.

I wanted to scream at the walls and dare someone to stop the rampage that my brain was starting to rationalize. I hated violence as much as the next person, but damn. A few of these people needed a hard slap and brutal beat down. There was no end in sight for me and the nightmare that my life was becoming. I was starting to hate everything and everyone around me. Putting up with this shit was going to end me.

This whole town needed someone mad enough to hold their middle fingers up high and deliver a clear and cold 'Fuck You'. Jasper was the biggest ass out of all of them. He was the captain of a sinking ship and was going to bring everyone down with him.

My mind was starting to delve into dark plans that were best left alone. Rather than let that happen, I had to stand up tall. I was going to give the devil his due. I was going to look at him and show him that the games were over and the decision made.

My heart fluttered in my chest, and my stomach tightened with nerves. I had managed to avoid eye contact with him ever since that night. Even when I tried to talk to him I didn't look at him. After talking to him last night on the phone and not getting a response, I was even more hesitant. After taking a few steadying breaths, I finally raised my head, and I failed miserably.

The world faded in the background as I stared into his pain filled eyes. He was hurting so much, and it was written all over him. Minutes went by unnoticed as we watched each other from across the room. No one else existed in that moment. The school could have collapsed around us without our knowing. Seeing him brought back all the feelings I had been trying to avoid. I wanted so bad to touch him, and his eyes held the same need.

Angela shook my arm to get my attention. "You have to breathe, Bella."

I glanced at her in confusion. "What?"

"Breathe."

I needed to get out of this room. It was too crowded and too loud. In a mad rush, I gathered my things and ran out the door. I walked through the halls of the school and tried to figure out a place to go when I finally settled on the classroom that I had visited with Alice and Jasper. When I stepped into the room, I felt my body start to relax. There was no one here that I needed to hide my feelings from. The stress of that was hurting me almost as much as being away from Jasper. A flicker of a memory danced along the seams of my mind.

"Defy their expectations, just like you do mine." Our journey began in this room. How ironic.

With slow steps, I walked across the room and leaned against the far wall. I closed my eyes and visualized his face. It had been a mistake to look at him. All it did was prove to me that I was not anywhere near being over him. I could live to be a thousand, and I still wouldn't be over him. I had thought my anger had made me strong enough to handle him, but it wasn't. Would anything be enough? How could a person I've known two months affect me so much? I survived eighteen years without him, but now, I could barely make it from one day to the next.

The sound of a door closing made me open my eyes. I wasn't surprised to see him. Part of me was expecting Jasper to follow me here. When I heard the click of the lock, my heart dropped. I thought of Edward's words from the day before but pushed them aside. Jasper wouldn't hurt me, at least not physically.

He walked across the room slowly as if he expected me to take flight. The thought was tempting, but I knew my feet wouldn't cooperate. When I wanted to run, they planted themselves into the floor. When I wanted to stay still, they moved of their own volition. My feet were probably the smartest part of my body when it came to him. Right now they understood that the best way to provoke him would be to give him something to chase.

When he stopped in front of me, only a few feet separated us. I avoided looking up at him. Eye contact would lead us down a bad path.

"What do you want?" I asked.

He smirked. "The same thing I've wanted since the first moment I saw you."

"You'll get nothing from me."

"That's not true. We both know you'll give me whatever I want." Arrogance coated his every word.

"Not anymore, I won't," I told him honestly.

I heard him laugh softly. "That's not true," Jasper insisted.

"If you want something, go ask Lauren. I'm sure she'll be more than happy to see to your needs."

He stepped closer and placed his right hand on my neck. With gently pressure, he ran his thumb along my jaw. "Are you jealous, Bella?"

I moved to the side and knocked his hand away. "You don't get to touch me anymore."

"Not fair. Touching you is exactly what I want."

It was not going to happen. The Jasper I cared about was gone. This replacement was not going to get to lay a finger on me. At least, that's what I tried to tell myself.

When I ignored his words, he groaned in frustration. "Why won't you look at me?" he asked.

The truth. We were in a place where we are all alone and unlikely to be discovered. If I looked at him again, I wasn't sure of what I would do. All of my carefully built walls would likely crumble. Even in his current state, Jasper was the best and worst sort of temptation for me.

"How am I supposed to win you back if you won't look at me?"

I couldn't look at him, and I couldn't let him win me back. Jasper had already hurt me once. What was stopping him from doing it again? Any hopes I had for us were driven away by that fear. Adding to it was the issue of me. I didn't like the girl I was when I was with him. She was weak and blind. She would let him lead her to a cliff and jump alongside him. She was a fool. There were more reasons for me to run than to stay.

"Bella, are you zoning out on me again?"

"No."

It was the truth. I wasn't zoning out. Like the flip-flopper that I was proving to be, I was now contemplating just how stupid this guy was. If he had come in here and acted like My Jasper, things would have been so different. Instead, the arrogant jerk showed up. Why couldn't he say something that would push my fears away? Why couldn't he make me stronger? Why was it that all the times before he had known just what to say to me? And now when I needed him the most, he only said the wrong words.

"Then why aren't you talking to me?" he asked.

Rather than speak to him, I turned away and stood by one of the windows so that I could look outside. This guy would never understand how I felt. He wouldn't care either.

"Good call, sweetheart. I wouldn't want you to talk. You'll just change your mind in five minutes anyway," he taunted.

What the hell does that mean?

"You're really not going to say anything. How is that possible? You never seem to run out of that self-righteous bullshit you like to throw at me. When are you going to realize that you're not morally superior to me? Hell, you're just as fucked up as I am. You just hide it better," he said with disgust in his voice.

I continued to ignore him and focused my attention off into the distance. Had I of been smarter, I would have left. It would have saved me from hearing his next words.

"Do you know what is so disappointing about you, Bella? You can't decide what the hell you want. From one day to the next, I don't know whether you're going to pull me in or push me away. You say you're concerned, but you won't help me. You answer my phone calls, but you won't look at me. Last night, you tell me a story that encourages me to risk everything to be with you, but then you don't hold up your end of the bargain. So, do you think you could make up your goddamn mind before you drive me crazy?"

All my previous anger turned to shame. I was pulling him in and then pushing him away. I played with his heart just as surely as he played with mine. Tears started to trail down my face as his words continued to slice at my heart. It wouldn't have hurt so much if the things he said weren't so true. It was infuriating to know that he was right about me. I fought for control over the pain he was causing me and tried to bring back my anger from earlier. It would hopefully provide me with the means to come out of this whole confrontation unscathed.

After I showed no sign of acknowledging him, Jasper turned me around to where I was facing him. When I finally looked up, I was ready to give him back some of what he gave me.

"You could have left the act outside the door. You're friends aren't here, and neither is the rest of the school. I know who you are, and it's not the prick standing in front of me. So, if you want to talk to me, cut the crap."

Jasper started laughing, which only fueled my anger.

I stuck my index finger in his chest and pushed hard. "You act so pissed off and damaged by this town and the things these people expect of you. The whole time you play your little games and never let anybody see you. Who are you, Jasper? Do you even know, or have you gotten so lost in your own bullshit that you can't find your way out?"

He stepped back from me and ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. "Do you think I want to be like this? Do you think I want to hurt you? It's who I am. I can't change, Bella. I can't be good."

You could be, but you won't.

More tears threatened to spill over as I began my last stand. "So, you think I'm the disappointment. Well, do you know what is so disappointing about you, Jasper? You have the whole world at your fingertips, and you're going to just throw it all away because you're scared of letting someone care about you."

His eyes hardened with anger, and he took a step forward narrowing the separation between us. I wasn't the least bit intimidated. His act may work on everyone else, but I didn't buy it.

I continued my taunting speech. "In ten years, you're going to look around and realize that what you have isn't even a fraction of what you could have had. You'll regret all of the stupid shit you've done, but it will be too late for you to do anything about it. A beer in your hand and a random girl on your arm will provide little comfort in place of all that could have been. Your life could be so great, but it won't be. It will be a cold bed and an empty heart."

Jasper's jaw clinched. "At least, I'll let my bed have a little warmth in it. Your bed will be a freezer with sheets," he hissed.

"Sheets that you'll never touch though we both know that you would kill to get between them," I responded scathingly. "All you can get are girls like Lauren who use you for the attention you bring them. They don't even respect you. All you are is a stud horse for a bunch of empty headed, vain bitches."

"Shut up, Bella," Jasper ordered. "You don't want to push me."

My heart wanted me to reach out and bring him back to me. I couldn't let myself do that. Deep inside I realized that the only thing that would ever save him was to lose all that he valued. Nothing else would wake him up. Nothing else could come close to making him see all that he had. If I wanted to help him, I would have to hurt him, just like what he did to me.

"Do you know what all of this makes you, Jasper? It makes you stupid and careless, but worst of all it makes you weak. The tight control you maintain over your little world is because you're too scared to let anyone in who challenges you. Your weaknesses built this fantasyland that you live in, and they will be your undoing. Because you never learned the skills to survive in the real world, and you won't let anyone in who can help you."

He stepped forward and pressed me into the wall, but I ignored him and kept on. "You may be strong enough to take what you want, but you're too damned weak to allow yourself to keep it."

"God dammit, shut up," he yelled.

I kissed him.

It was sweet and honest, two things he was missing in his life. But most of all, it was love. I loved him so much, and this was the only chance I would ever have to show him. Tears streamed down my face as I moved my lips gently against his. Jasper brought his hands up to cradle my face using his thumbs to brush away my tears. When I pulled away from him, he pressed his forehead to mine and stood as still as a statue as he leaned into me.

"Why are we doing this to each other?" His voice was rough with emotion.

"I don't know," I sobbed.

"You have to take me back. I can't survive without you," Jasper begged. "Please, Bella. I need you."

Fresh tears formed in my eyes. "I'm sorry. I can't."

We had no future, and I wouldn't pretend that we did. It was time for me to leave before things got even more out of hand. If I stayed longer, we would end up back where we were before this whole thing started, and neither of us would ever learn. These last two weeks would be repeated time and again as we allowed each other in and then both got scared again. I wasn't ready for this love that I felt for him. It was too strong, and I wasn't ready to let it rule my life.

Jasper slammed his hands into the wall on either side of me. "You still can't make up your fuckin' mind. The phone call, kissing me, and now everything you said. You pulled me in again, and now you're pushing me away. Make a damn decision, and stick with it."

Decision made. I ducked under his arms and put some distance between us. "I can't be your friend, Jasper. We'll keep pulling this shit over and over again until it destroys us both. I deserve better and so do you."

As I left, he called out my name. In an odd way, the moment mirrored the one where he left me. Only this time, I was the one walking out the door, and he was the one left broken. Jasper yelled my name one more time before I made it to the door, but I gave no indication that I heard him. Seconds later, I flinched when I heard a loud crash behind me. I started running and didn't stop until I was out of the building. Running was now my favorite sport and would dictate so much of my future.