"Know Your Stars: The Total Drama Edition"

Rated T

Disclaimer: I do not own the entire Total Drama series or All That. Or the Know Your Stars sketches. Expect a lot of references to video game characters in this chapter.

Chapter 21: Sam

"Know your stars... know your stars... know your stars..." The announcer let out an pitched echo again as a geeky video gamer with a case of gas and is similar to a certain movie star had taken the hot seat this time.

"Oooooooh, yeah! I'm loving this!" Sam spoke with excitement, "It's just like when 'May-lo 4' came out! I feel excited like a crazy squirrel on peanut brittle!"

"Sam... was burned alive by Scorpion from Mortal Kombat."

"Uh, dude... Scorpion's not even real, man." Sam chuckled in defense, "And besides, I don't even remember getting burned alive. That burns way worse than acid being thrown by a trippy monkey, believe you me."

"Oh, so Reptile burned you with the acid and now your skin's made of blanket sheets?" The announcer said with his head scratching.

"No, I just say that it burns worse than acid being thrown by a trippy monkey. I didn't say I was burned by it man. I mean come on, Reptile's virtual too. And my skin isn't made of blanket sheets! True story!" Sam complained lightly as the announcer went on.

"Sam... he cheated on Dakota with Lara Croft."

"I sooooo did not, man!" Sam exclaimed as he wanted to set the record straight, "Lara Croft's not even real. So how could I ever cheat on Dakota like that? I mean, look at her, dude! She's blonde, she's pretty and she's so bubbly! She can raid my tomb anytime! HA!"

"What about this this picture of you and Lara Croft kissing?" the announcer replied as he brought out a digitized photo.

The photo showed Sam kissing his lips on what seems to be Angelina Jolie dressed up as Lara Croft in a photo-op.

"That's Angelina Jolie dressed up as her!" Sam exclaimed truthfully.

"No, it isn't!" The announcer lied to him falsely.

"Yes it is, it's false! Photoshopped and lied, I tell ya! Just like the time my mom lied to me about my XBOX 360 being sold to the smelly hobos! This is bad just like your lies, man! I had to work my ass of 6 months before I could get another one, ya clock-blocker!" Sam shot back at the announcer.

"Sam... he'll get his ass owned by Dakota when he heard that he cheated on her!"

"Yeah right, ain't no way that's gonna happen!" Sam exclaimed with a scoff.

However, Dakota had finally entered the studio, looking a little upset and not to mention flat-out pissed.

"You two-timing slut!" Dakota yelled at Sam with intensity of a tiger.

"Uh, hi Dakota..." Sam said narrowly smiling at her.

"Don't 'Hi, Dakota' me! I saw you with that fat-lipped hoser! Who's this Lara Croft person I never even heard about? God help you if he's one of your co-whores!" Dakota snapped at him angrily.

"I haven't seen her before, Dakota! She's just a video game character! Or actress, whoever she is! I don't remember even kissing her! The only girl I like kissing is you!" Sam pleaded on his knees, hoping that Dakota doesn't kill the hell out of him.

Unfortunately for Sam, Dakota had thought of it.

"The only thing you're gonna kiss..." Dakota responded, but only in an instant, to transform into the mutant known as the Dakotazoid. Sam saw her angry face displayed in terrifying fashion. "...IS MY ASS IN HELLLLLLLLL!"

"Oh, dear Mario in hell, nooooooo!" Sam yelled as Dakota grabbed him by his pillow-y body. She had a pretty strong grip for a very hot blonde mutant though.

"Now you know Sam. Viewers, you might wanna turn away. It will get real uggggggg-glaaaaaaay!" The announcer smirked as the camera moved back and far to the other side from the massacre that Dakota was gonna unleash on Sam. All of the punches and his grunts were heard off-camera.

"OOOOOOOOF! ACK! MAN, DAKOTAZOID, DON'T RIP THAT OFF, I USE THAT TO TAKE A DUMP!" Sam yelled in pain as a ripping sound was heard. It was certain that the Dakotazoid had tore him a new one. Literally. And with a rip-roaring scream, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH CAAAAAARLY RAAAAAE JEPSSSSSEN!"

Sam's painful scream caused the feed to go static while the words "Brief Intermission" popped up everyone's television sets around the world. Thank god for censorship...

Sam's gonna need to stitch his ass back together because of that...

Next up will be the dainty and bubbly blonde known as Lindsay! Until then, read and review! WINNING!