Clary's POV

I had just gotten to Panera Bread about ten minutes ago and I was sipping on a large iced coffee, nibbling on my scone, and trying to think of something to draw. I just didn't have the inspiration lately.

"Clary?" My breath caught. Jace? My heart started to race. I hadn't talked to him that long ago, a few hours at best, but part of me just wanted to throw my arms around him and cry into his chest that I was sorry about everything and I didn't need any time because I knew he loved me too and that's all that mattered, but part of me was ready to scream at him that I said I needed space and tracking me down a few hours after I said I needed space is not complying with the terms of our arrangement. I just wasn't ready to face him; my emotions were all over the place. I turned around slowly and involuntarily my face fell.

"Don't look so excited to see me." He snickered. I was looking into very sweet, very disappointed blue eyes. I hadn't remembered Will that clearly from the bar, but I still recognized him. He had to be around Jace's height, about his build too, probably not as bulky, hard to tell, but chiseled. He was tan, dark like Sebastian, with dark black hair just like Sebastian's as well, cut shorter though, around his ear length and choppy, much cuter hair style than Sebastian had.

"No, I just, I thought you were somebody else for a second." I gave a small smile and stood up and gave him a gentle one handed hug, he reciprocated with a non-intrusive one handed hug, keeping our bodies separated.

"It's good to see you again." I smiled as I sat back down.

"It's Will." He took a seat across from me.

"No I remember, you're Magnus's friend. Did you ever run into him at the club?" He gave a small shrug.

"Yeah I saw him…You know, I was a little deflated you didn't call though." He gave me an overly pathetic puppy dog face punting his lower lip out dramatically. I giggled slightly.

"I've never had anybody shoot this down before." He gestured his hands up and down his body. I shook my head. So vain, so much like Jace.

"Come on isn't there some rule about waiting three days or something." He laughed.

"You told me you're only going to be here like two weeks. That rule doesn't apply…" I really didn't catch whatever else Will was saying. I don't know why, but my eyes caught Jace even before he opened the door to enter Panera Bread. When Will came in, I had deep down wanted it to be Jace. Though, I did come all the way out here to avoid him. I even told Izzy not to tell him where I was. I figured this far enough away, that I would have some space to think. Maybe twenty minutes isn't really that far away after all. Ironically though, all along, part of me still wanted him to know me well enough just to find me, or fate would bring us together. Now that Jace was here, I was turning into an emotional basket case. I didn't want to see Jace. What happened to the space he was supposed to give me? He was crowding me. He said he'd give me time to think. He probably blackmailed Izzy into telling him where I was. I was being full out irrational, in the most rational sense of the word.

The sun reflecting off Jace's hair was almost like the sun shining, it was so bright. I was sitting on the far side of the café, but just as though I had shouted for him, his eyes seemed to find me immediately when he walked through the doors, and the look he shot me was just as heated as the sun. I glanced discreetly back and forth between Jace and Will trying to maintain my composure. He stalked right over to the table standing a slight distance behind Will's back, balled fasts at his side. When he spoke his anger and disapproval was clear in his tone.

"Clary I can't believe-" He stopped as soon as Will turned around, realization crossing his face. His hands unclenched and his eyes softened as they darted quickly from me to Will.

"I'm sorry. I thought you were somebody else." Will laughed uncomfortably.

"Yeah. Would you believe that's the second time I heard that in the last five minutes? I get the feeling you already know Clary. I'm Will." Will reached out his hand to Jace. Very reluctantly Jace smiled an unfriendly smile and took Will's hand.

"Jace." He said through clenched teeth. For a moment I would have swore Jace was trying to injure Will. Will appeared to almost be in pain and when Jace finally released Will's hand, he brought it down to his side quickly like it hurt. Will glanced at me quickly and back at Jace with a perplexed expression, Jace was looking at Will with a mock smile that still showed all his dissatisfaction.

"I swear she never told me she was married." Will said very sarcastically, and he and I both laughed uncomfortably as Jace just continued staring at Will with this look of intolerance. Will looked over at me one more time, probably waiting for me to say something, but right now I wasn't sure how to defuse the situation, and Jace was just looking at Will like he was having a silent brawl.

"Ok then. I think I'll go. It was good seeing-" I shot my hand out and grabbed Will's sleeve as he stood. I wasn't really sure why, but I didn't really like the idea Jace was trying to intimidate Will. It wasn't up to Jace who I hung out with. We were only having coffee. This wasn't a date or anything. We just ran into each other. He was supposed to be giving me time. This was still completely within the confines of our deal. I had nothing to feel guilty for, even though part of me did feel guilty, really guilty; the part of me that hated to see that look of jealousy on Jace's face and know how hard this was for him. I just needed space. So there was no way I was going to let him start acting like I belonged to him, because I didn't agree to that. He said he was going to fight, I got that, but I didn't say I was ready to surrender.

"Will stay. You don't have to go. You just got here. Jace you're welcome to join us if you want, we're just having coffee, but I imagine you have some where you need to be. I'll see you back at the cottage later. I'll only be out a couple hours at most." Will sat as I let go of his sleeve. I gave Jace a sweet smile that I'm sure he saw through.

"Fine I get it. I'll go. Just remember we have a deal. Stay away from Sebastian." Jace turned on his heels.

"Not that you ever do anything I ask you to do." I heard him muttered the last part as he walked away.

"I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere." Will nodded once. I hastily caught up with Jace at the check-out counter where he was waiting on his drink.

"You thought he was Sebastian didn't you?" Jace looked at me sideways.

"Yeah. It's the dark hair, from behind, similar complexion and build. Is that who you thought he was too? He said something about being mistaken for the wrong person twice." I shook my head.

"No. Not Sebastian. I heard his voice saying my name before I ever saw him." I didn't elaborate, but I kind of figured Jace would figure it out.

"I know you say I never listen to you, which is probably true a good percent of the time, but I don't plan on hanging out with Sebastian. We made a deal. I plan on upholding my end. You don't have to worry." He rolled his eyes.

"Clary I worry about you all the time." The cashier handed him his coffee and I walked him out the door.

"Jace don't worry about me ok. I'll be alright. We'll hang out later. If nothing else we're still friends ok. Not that we were really friends before, but if nothing else I want to be friends." His whole face changed, he looked completely disheartened. Maybe that didn't come out right.

"Wow…Did you just pull a I want to be friends line on me?" I rolled my eyes. Yeah, that really wasn't what I wanted to say.

"No…I just…NO!...I'm not saying this won't work. I'm just trying to sort things out in my head right now. Just give me a couple days. Ok? A lot has happened. I just need to absorb everything. When I figure things out you'll be the first to know. You just have to give me some time." I gave him a reassuring smile.

"I'd wait forever for you." Jace said softly as he leaned forward. I turned as his lips approached mine. I saw the flash of utter hurt in his eyes before he composed himself.

"So that's what that feels like." He shook his head gently. The way he looked broke my heart. It broke my heart knowing he was hurting, knowing I was causing him this pain. There was a huge part of me that wanted to kiss Jace, that didn't want to think, just wanted to assume everything would turn out all right, but that part of me was in time-out right now. Since the accident, I just, well, I just wasn't sure if I could take anymore loss right now. I couldn't bear the thought of falling anymore in love with Jace and losing him. It would be hard enough to walk away from him now, but maybe it would be easier than him leaving me later. If I even really thought I could just walk away from him completely. The time I spent away from him seemed to make it easier, seemed to make the feeling almost subside, like the flicker of a flame, and then I'd see him, or feel the touch of his skin, or God just hear the sound of his voice, and the flame would grow into a wildfire. This is how it's been for over two years; I really didn't believe I could just stop feeling this way towards him. Of course it doesn't help that ever since yesterday it's been magnified a million times. I was foolish to blindly listen to Sebastian. Even if he believed every word he was saying, it doesn't mean he knows how Jace feels. I believed Jace when he said he didn't have feelings for Kaelie and that the only person he cared about was me. Even if Kaelie loved Jace it didn't matter, not really. Not if Jace loved me and didn't have feelings for her. Right? I just needed some more time to sort all my feelings out though, and Jace kissing me wasn't going to help me think.

"Jace. Your lips are the quickest why to make my mind stop working, I want to think right now, not act." He gave me a small smirk, but it wasn't a normal Jace smirk, it was unenthusiastic.

"I'm partial to doing first and thinking later, or anything else that keeps your mind from working against my better interest personally, but I won't push you. So what, where are we?" He gestured back and forth between us.

"Should I just smile-" He smiled an exaggerated smile. I rolled my eyes.

"-or wave, waving is a very international way of saying see you later-" He flailed his hand wildly in front of me. I shook my head.

"-maybe a handshake-" He grabbed my hand roughly and shook it hard before dropping it quickly. I diverted my eyes, my cheeks burning, flutters in my heart. I felt the currents of electricity go through my body even with that small touch.

"- one armed hug, not too intimate-" He didn't pull me in for a hug though, I had a feeling he reacted to my touch as much as I reacted to his. He wrapped his arm around himself and rocked his body back and forth once dramatically. My heart was breaking though. I knew how he felt. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and press my lips to his just as badly. I bit my lower lip nervously.

"-I'm sure the two armed hug is definitely off limits, too much body contact-" He put his hands around his body quickly before dropping them at his side. He drooped his head forward and kicked the gravel gently. He seemed so troubled. he wasn't acting like Jace, not my Jace. I rolled my eyes and before I knew it I was wrapping my arms around his torso and burying my face in his chest. He tensed for a moment before he brought his arms around me tightly, but not as tight as he could have, I surmised that was not purely because he was holding a coffee. He probably realized if he held me too tightly my mind would catch up to what I was doing and my hands would be pushing him away. He leaned his head forward and kissed the top of mine before resting his cheek against it. I loved the way his arms felt around me, I loved how reassured Jace made me feel, like everything would be alright. There was a comfort in his embrace very similar to Alec's, a sweetness, a sincerity, I knew he cared how I felt. I was doing alright. I still had my wits about me. Ironically Jace's dreary state helped to keep me focused. He wasn't cocky and arrogant, or urgent and pleading, or hot and seductive, he was just placid. After the initial jolt of excitement rippled through my body from making contact with Jace, a calm had taken hold. The placement of our hands, the alignment of our bodies, right now there was no tension, no sexual undercurrents, the embrace was purely to help sooth.

"Your off Jace. You're not being your egotistical self. Where did all your fight go? I hate to see you like this." I murmured into his shirt.

"See I told you being egotistical wasn't one of your pet peeves. I know it turns you on." I chuckled. There was possibly a tinny bit of truth to that, though I'd never admit that to his ego inflated self.

"I'm overtired. It doesn't look good on me. It breaks me down." He sounded gloomy.

"Clary-" I cut him off. I didn't really want to know what he was going to say. I couldn't fight him and I really did just need to think.

"Just give me some time to think ok? Just a little time." I squeezed him once more quickly before dropping my arms from around him and pulling back slightly, he still had his arms around me. His cheek left my hair and he brought his lips to my forehead gently, I closed my eyes as his lips lingered. They were soft and made my whole body feel warm. He loosened his hold on me slightly and I opened my eyes. He took a deep breath as he looked into my eyes with a deep sadness.

"I love you Clary. I already miss you so much" I felt my eyes prick, but I didn't say anything. I couldn't. No words would come. If he pushed me right now I knew I'd fold. I'd tell him how much I loved him. I felt my heart tighten when he didn't. I felt my eyes burn when the moment passed and he just dropped his hands from around me and walked back to his car. I heard the little voice in my head screaming at me to run after him; screaming I needed to stop him, but I didn't. I just watched after him as he drove away. I closed my eyes for a long time.

Simon was right. I knew what love was, I just didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to admit I was indisputably in love with Jace. I was completely terrified of how much I loved him. I've loved him since I was sixteen. Every time I looked into his eyes I could see he loved me too, I just wasn't sure if that was enough. I hated how Jace looked when he left. The pain in Jace's eyes was running through my body and I hated the way I felt right now. I wanted to drop to my knees and cry. I wanted to go after him, wrap my arms around him and never let him go. I wanted to tell him I loved him and how sorry I was.

I knew I was horrible when I spoke with Jace earlier; the way I twisted all his words and threw them back in his face; the way I used Sebastian's condescending words against Jace. I was being vindictive and Jace hadn't even done anything wrong, I just thought he had and I didn't let him plead his case. Then I made a big deal that he doesn't want me hanging out with Sebastian. Well he has every right to be suspicious of Sebastian, he does want to get me into bed, and he's very clear about that. I should stay away from Sebastian. I had to be stubborn though. That was my greatest downfall, my stubbornness. I just couldn't agree with anybody, I always had to do the opposite; I couldn't stand people telling me what to do. I knew everything just got out of hand over the last day, and it was my fault. I had to fight Jace tooth and nail on everything. I had to hurt him more by making it seem like I wanted to spend time with Sebastian, when I don't. There wasn't anybody else in the world I wanted to be with more than I wanted to be with Jace. God there wasn't anybody else in the world I wanted to be with at all, period.

Yesterday I was finally getting the chance to be with Jace the way I wanted to be with him for the last two years. I was finally letting myself feel the way I wanted to feel. Then I go ahead and do this incredibly stupid thing and try to screw it all up. Now I'm just so mad at myself for being so stupid that I feel like I have to punish myself. I wasn't being fair to Jace. Not only with the way I talked to him, but with the way I didn't come to him when I was upset and allow him to explain himself, and the way I messed around with Sebastian. Jace deserved better. He was right, what he did with Kaelie was right in front of my face, but what I did with Sebastian was behind his back. We didn't have to have a conversation about where we were with our relationship, he told me he loved me, I knew he expected me to be faithful to him, and I expected the same of him. I would have been devastated if the tables were turned and he did the same thing with Kaelie. I would have never wanted to see him again. I would have called him every name in the book and told him I could never trust him again. Yet he just forgave me and I just acted like that was nothing.

Jace keeps telling me he loves me, and he's going to fight for me and he doesn't want to let me go, and I keep acting like I'm confused about the way he feels about me. How can I be confused when he's being crystal clear? All I have to do is look in his eyes and see pure affection. He loves me and it's like I'm purposely trying to sabotage that, like I'm trying to make him not want to be with me. I'm just being so stubborn. I'm maintaining a stupid course where I decided we needed space. I made this decision by myself, without giving Jace a say, after a sleepless night. I listened to all of Sebastian's hearsay, then I didn't even give Jace a chance to explain, and I decided we needed some space. That's crazy. Why does that even sound like a good idea? Jace refuted all my biggest concerns and I just still sat back like, no that's what we're doing, no way to change course now, we need space. Me being stubborn. What do I need space for? So I can figure out a better way to push him away because I'm afraid to be in love with him? This is the fear Izzy was talking about. I really don't want to let him go, but I'm too afraid to put myself out there and risk getting my heart broken. Though my heart breaks from all the pain I'm putting him through. I really should listen to my own advice. Jace really cares about me and what am I doing? I'm doing to him what Izzy was doing to Simon; what I hated watching her do to Simon. I'm keeping Jace at arms length away. Well when I'm not completely trying to push him away that is. I'm going to end up pushing him away one of these times and he'll stop trying. I'll be so inconsolable when I come to my senses only to find out he's over me.

Simon always joked that I'd cut off my nose to spite my face. This seemed like one of those times. I was so angry about everything that I was refusing to let myself be happy about anything. I was tired this morning, and Jace was right, I wasn't thinking straight, I probably wasn't thinking that much straighter right now. I probably did just need a good nights sleep. A good nights sleep and tomorrow I would talk to Jace. I would tell him how I felt. I would tell him I love him. I would tell him that I was sorry for how I hurt him and everything would be alright. I just needed to tell him how I felt and everything would be perfect. I opened my eyes and turned back towards the coffee shop. I wiped away the one tear that trickled down my check.

The rational part of me was quickly taking over and reminding the hopelessly romantic part of me that in reality everybody doesn't live happily ever after. Everything isn't perfect. That Jace already broke my heart once and I really wasn't sure I could deal with that ever again. He'd be back to school at the end of the vacation, we wouldn't be together. We wouldn't be down the road from each other seeing each other on the weekends and in the evenings. We'd be emailing and calling and seeing each other occasionally when we flew to each other. What are really the odds that would work out? I needed to figure out if I wanted to take that risk, if I had enough strength to take that risk, and how much I really believed Jace could commit to that. What I really needed was to talk to Jace before my mind talked me out of it. Will was right where I'd left him, though part of me was hoping he was gone by now. I sat down clumsily in my chair. He was so nice; he never even questioned what took me so long.

"I'm guessing that's not your psycho overprotective brother." Will raised one eyebrow and looked at me skeptically. I chuckled half-heartedly.

"How did you guess?" He looked down at his hand he was opening and closing repeatedly to stretch out.

"Oh I don't know, maybe I'm psychic, or maybe somewhere between the heated glares, the way he tried to break my hand, and the way he held you like he was petrified of letting you go outside, it just came to me." He tilted his head slightly sideways.

"Want to talk about it?"

"Cause you're such a great listener?" I joked sarcastically.

"Well I'm great at everything else, so reason would stand that I'd be great at listening too." He winked and gave me a smirk. I shook my head and laughed. I was surrounded by egotistical guys. I kind of did want to talk about it. Was it odd to talk to Will, who I barely knew, about Jace? Everybody else I could talk to was already biased in their opinion of Jace, though he really didn't give Will a great first impression.

"Jace. Yeah. Well. Where do I begin?"