Notes: Well, I'll be quite interested to see what the reactions to this chapter are.
CH 21: Watercolor and Sand
There was something about the Charles River at night, when the only clue as to river or sky was how the various colored lights bled like paint across the water's surface. There wasn't a time of day Chris didn't enjoy the Charles, early morning when the crew teams and small sailboats were out, afternoon as background for a quick lunch and a moment of disconnection from the working world, sunset…it could be particularly beautiful at sunset when a hot pink sky painted it like a scene from some whimsical fairytale. But, night was her favorite. When the hustle and bustle of the day was gone and darkness rolled in and obscured the lines between heaven and earth. She thought of Iraq and the endless sand and the longing for a body of water…for tranquility. Iraq, with its utterly black nights. Almost nothingness. The sound of shells and gunfire through the midnight sky always kept it real, kept her just on the side of the line from complete dissociation. When she could though, she'd pop headphones in, cue up one of those nature tracks and listen to the sound of water, staring out over the black abyss that obscured the infinite sands and she'd imagine waves just beyond the lights of the camp.
"I love the water," Chris stopped walking and pulled Maura in front of her, wrapping her arms around her waist as they looked out from the riverside path over the glassy surface.
Maura smiled, a playful breeze rustled through her hair and Chris took the opportunity to place a light kiss on her exposed neck.
"In Iraq…everyone comes up with their own things to get them through. For most of the soldiers, it's a person or people; you know, family, friends. The only someone I had was my dog and he was with me. So, I thought of the water. I wanted to see it again. I wanted the water to wash away the memories of sand. I wanted to swim in the ocean, but not just any ocean, ocean that touched American ground. I wanted to walk along this river…with someone like you. I didn't want to die over there and never see the water again. That must sound really bizarre."
"No, it doesn't." Maura turned in Chris' arms, "I think when you're in a situation such as that, then nothing is trivial, whatever it takes to give you hope, to give you something to look forward to…I can't imagine anything more important."
Their lips connected, warm and supple, Chris smiled as the faint notes of the wine Maura had drunk at dinner still lingered on her breath. Chris let her tongue dip into Maura's mouth, emboldened by soft moans she wrapped her arms further around the smaller woman, fingers curling into her upper and lower back until the entire length of their fronts pressed tightly together. The intensity of the kiss slowly waned until Chris reluctantly let her lips pull away as she ran her fingers through Maura's windblown hair.
"I'm going back to the K-9 unit. The Chief approved Petrovski's request to get me a new dog."
Maura's hand stroked softly down her neck and then over her shoulders, "I was starting to wonder if you were going to go back…or just stay in Homicide."
Chris laughed, "I was honestly unsure myself."
"What made you sure?" Maura continued to let her hands caress up and down the bare arms wrapped around her.
"I realized that I may have gone into this profession to try and earn my father's approval. But, I'm successful at it and I'm good at it because I really love it. I love it in its own right, not because of him and not for him. For me. I needed to get back in touch with that."
Maura smiled, "I'm glad that you were able to realize that. When will you transfer back?"
Chris laced their hands together and started walking again, "Petrovski has a scout in the Netherlands who will put together a list of available dogs over the next couple of days. I'll go through them and come up with a short list and then he and I will take a week to go over and see the dogs worked, make the final selection. Which brings me to this…" Chris paused and leaned against the walk railing as she pulled Maura close to her, "…Would you go with me? If you can…I mean…take a week of vacation and go with me, get out of Boston. Besides Petrovski, you'd be the first person to meet my new partner."
"I have several open cases right now…and this Plechenko case doesn't seem to be winding down…and I could have court, depending on when you were going…" Maura's head dropped out of worry of disappointing Chris.
Chris lifted her chin and placed a soft kiss on her lips, "No, I understand if your case load won't permit it…just, if you can, I'd love to show you what I do."
"Thank you," Maura placed her hand on Chris' cheek, "for wanting to share that with me."
One corner of her mouth turned up in a pleased smirk as her blue eyes peered out through a few errant copper locks. She watched her fingers drag along Maura's collarbone and then down her sternum, satisfied with the perspiration that had collected there. Chris turned her head from its resting place on Maura's flushed chest to again lick and suck at a sensitive nipple. She hummed with pleasure as Maura's breath hitched and her body lifted slightly as her hands found their way to Chris' already mussed and near matted locks.
"I'm getting used to your penchant for hair pulling," Chris quipped as she released the nipple, letting her face rest once more on the pillow of Maura's breast. "Has anyone ever told you, you have perfect breasts?"
Maura giggled, "As a matter of fact…"
"Oooh," Chris winced, "I should be jealous." She pushed herself up and straddled Maura, lowering her body until their lips hovered an almost nonexistent distance apart, "Shall we try for number four?"
Lips melted together in a reinvigorated battle for the upper hand. Maura won, capturing Chris' lower lip with a sustained and playful nip. When she released, Chris pulled back and cupped Maura's face in her hands.
"Maura, I love you."
Silence. Maura's eyes slammed shut. The sound of Chris breathing was nearly deafening. Feel. Maura opened her eyes and the blue eyes that stared back waited…expectantly…hopefully. It doesn't feel the same…the same as when…Jane. She opened her mouth but nothing came out. It's going to hurt her…I don't want to hurt her. Maura's eyes darted away as she whispered, "I'm sorry."
She waited; she wasn't sure what for. Some kind of emotional outburst. Nothing. Chris didn't move; her breath remained steady as it pulsed over her cheek. Her hands were hot on her jaw line, though Maura imagined it was her own skin that was really burning.
"Look at me," Chris' voice was surprisingly calm and controlled.
Maura brought one hand to her face and covered her eyes momentarily before letting it fall aside as she looked at Chris.
"You didn't want me to say that?" Chris queried.
"I can't say it back."
Chris nodded. Her hands slipped away from Maura's face as she sat up. She paused, looking down at the body beneath her before she extricated herself from the tangle of limbs and sheets. Undergarments were collected and with her back to Maura, Chris slipped back into her dress before gathering her shoes from where they had been kicked free.
She didn't turn around, but looked over her shoulder to where Maura lay, still in bed, having pulled the sheets over her self, "What did she say to you?"
Maura sat up and wrapped her arms around her legs, "That she loved me."
Chris turned, "And you told her you loved her back?"
"No. She told me the night you called about Kelso. I…I didn't say anything, actually." Maura let her forehead fall to her knees.
"Eisntein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I've done this before, Maura. And I learned my lesson. I'll only fight for something I have a chance of winning. You told me when we started dating that you were open to seeing where this would go…I don't want to just have sex with you Maura. I don't want to be the filler while you wait for her to give you what I already have. Please don't string me along. I'm going to go, and you can…think about it, whatever you need to do to make a decision, to understand what you want."
Maura closed her eyes and let the warm tears streak down her already hot face. She flinched as her front door shut and she sunk back down into the bed straining to hear the roar of the engine that started outside her house and faded quickly into the night.
Dammit. Another body. Jane stood with her arms crossed and watched as Maura prepped for the autopsy. Vlade Bosovic. She started thinking about the film of this case she was casting in her mind, but she couldn't conjure up anyone for the role of Bosovic, there was too much noise.
"Serbian," Jane gestured at the body, watching Maura intently as she worked, "Dean said he's a known associate of Plechenko. Part of the inner circle."
Maura nodded.
"Why drowning?" Jane mused aloud. "And if the bodies are weighted to force drowning, why not just sink them? Why let them be found?"
"Sadism?" Maura offered.
"Oh! She speaks! And guesses!" Jane jabbed.
Maura shot her an irritated glance. "The derivation of pleasure from watching the physical suffering of another. He drugs them, submerges them and watches them drown. In 90% of drownings where water is found in the lungs the individual was conscious at the time of submersion; in only 10% of cases does the initial laryngospasm persist effectively sealing off the airway to water until cardiac arrest, 'dry drowning.' Therefore, in all likelihood if there is water in Vlade's lungs, he, like Clark Robinson was conscious and awake when put into the water."
"He drugs them, so he can weight them without resistance. He watches them and then allows the body to be found. The added benefit of his method: we have no trace, no concrete links." Jane sighed. "It must be terrifying…to drown."
"I would imagine any near death scenario one is conscious for must be terrifying," Maura looked up and couldn't keep her gaze from trailing down Jane's body to her side.
Jane followed her sight line and instinctively her hand moved to settle over the scar, "I…it never occurred to me I might die. The pain…was excruciating, but I could feel, so I knew I was alive. And then you were there…and I wasn't afraid."
Maura looked away and back into the now open cavity of Vlade Bosovic.
"Chris is going back to K-9?" Jane blurted out in a blatant attempt to change the subject.
"She is."
Jane walked over to the autopsy table, "Maur, are you ok? You seem…off."
"She told me she loved me," she didn't look up, choosing to focus her concentration on removing the lungs of her victim.
"And?" Jane's body stiffened as she waited for a reply.
"And…the other night you told me you could give me some time. I…" she stopped working and looked up, the look in Jane's eyes, the same expectant and hopeful look that had settled over Chris' face the night before last. "I feel like I'm standing on a precipice…I…"
Jane smiled understandingly, "It's ok, Maur. I told you, I'm not going anywhere." She turned to leave and stopped, "Call me, if you get anything…or, you know, if you just need to."
Maura waited until she was almost at the doors, "Jane…" Jane turned to face her. "You really weren't scared…you didn't think you could die?" The brunette shook her head no and a look flashed across her face, something akin to guilt Maura surmised, guilt that she didn't feel the same terror everyone else around her had felt. "I did, Jane. I thought you were going to die. I thought those were the last breaths I was going to see you take. I thought that was the last memory of you that I would have."
Jane nodded, "I know…But, Maura…I'm still here." She turned and left.
Maura watched the morgue doors swing until they settled into stillness again. I know, Jane. I know you are.
Chris scrolled through the last file of the first batch of dogs that Petrovski's scout had sent. She clicked on the video link and smiled as the agitator worked the young male Dutch Shepherd into a seething furor for the canvas jute tug held just out of reach. And then the dog was on it, the agitator lifting him off the ground and swinging him around by the tug, daring him to release with a barrage of faux blows that he directed towards the dog's head.
"Nice," Chris murmured, "Good full bite. Nice release."
Mik perked up and stared at the door before the knock actually came.
"Hey," Maura stood in the doorway and waited for Chris to motion her in. She made her way over to the sofa and was greeted by Mik, who rested his chin on her knee.
"He's gotten very needy since Kelso died…but then, they both always liked you. Which is…unusual…for them to take to another person," Chris watched as Maura ran her hand over the dog's head.
Maura glanced at the computer screen, "Are those the dogs you're looking at?"
"The first batch," Chris clicked the video off and pulled up the last file she had been perusing. "This one's my favorite of this bunch, nice young male. His name is Luc."
"He's beautiful."
Chris chuckled, "Yeah, he's pretty handsome. But, looks are secondary…as long as he can smell what he's supposed to and bite bad guys. Can I…get you something? A drink?"
Maura shook her head and turned to face Chris, "I'm sorry. About the other night."
"Yeah, I think you said that at the time," Chris forced herself to hold Maura's eye. It was difficult. Every part of her told her where this was going. Her insides felt tight, like they were bracing for a blow. Protect yourself. Protect yourself. But she couldn't, everything was already torn open, laid bare.
"I didn't mean to hurt you. I would never want to hurt you. I care for you…very much."
"You care for me." Chris repeated the words and watched as Maura nodded. "And when she told you she loved you…you came to me." Hope.
Maura glanced down where Chris' hand had wandered on top of her own, "I've never been very good with emotions…I…don't always understand what I'm feeling. It can be very confusing. I've been trying to work it out in my head. I kept thinking that at some point it would have to be clear…"
Chris' hands were light on her face pulling their lips nearly together as she whispered, "When I kiss you…" The kiss was unlike their others; Chris' passion was desperate, almost pleading. She pulled back, her lips skimming lightly over Maura's, her nose ghosting over heated skin. "What do you feel?"
"Longing," Maura's voice was breathy.
"And when I…" Chris pressed her lips to Maura's again, her tongue staking its usual dominance as her hand started at Maura's knee and glided teasingly up her leg, under her skirt and coming to rest softly on her inner thigh as her thumb caressed light circles on the sensitive skin.
Maura broke the kiss, her breath hitching as the touch caused her skin to tingle.
"…when I touch you. What do you feel?"
"Want," Maura whispered.
Chris' hand pulled out from under her skirt and again steadied Maura's face. End game. Piercing blue eyes challenged their hazel counterparts, "And when I tell you that I love you?"
Maura bit down on her lip to keep it from quivering, but she couldn't stop the tears that breached the banks and trickled down her face, "I care for you…very much…but I'm not in love with you."
The withdrawal of touch was stark. Maura watched as Chris stood and walked several feet away.
"I never had a chance did I?" Chris asked as she turned.
Maura tried to wipe the tears away, "I wanted…" there were no words, nothing that could defray the pain she knew she was causing. Whatever intentions or hopes either of them had begun with, it hadn't worked out that way.
"So did I." Chris walked towards her bedroom, "You can show yourself out."
She stood on the other side of her bedroom door until she heard heels pass over the threshold and the soft though soul-crushingly deafening click of the door. Silence. Her body slid down the wooden support until she hit the ground, angry, sorrowful tears scratching down her face. The worst part was the painful reminder that love wasn't one-way. She could only love Maura; she couldn't make Maura love her. And now she was left with the ultimate reminder of her own vulnerability: to love someone but not be loved in return. The anger – at Jane, for just being, the regret – for putting her self through it again and ultimately the unrelenting feeling that had settled in her chest – love. Nothing could make that go away, not even Maura not loving her back. And yet, that love, it wasn't enough.
I'm not enough.