STILL NO CHARRGAAAAH
Christmas is upon us, my lovelies! What did you ask for? I asked my mom for Sir Francis Bacon's Essays... What a nerd. An 18 year old who asks for an Elizabeathen era essayist. What even am I.
I'd like to thank all you here for sticking it out with me. I know I may be sporadic and I don't always make sense, but you're still here, so I am too. God knows when the hell this will actually finish, maybe when I finally get my act together. Which will probably be never.
If things start getting ridiculously confusing, you can probably attribute it to my mental health constantly detiorating. Part of the reason updates may seem to be fewer inbetween is because I have to spend an extra amount of time editing, making sure my own head doesn't get in the actual way of the story. And I'd like to thank you all for dealing with me. Believe it or not, this is a great relief for me.
As I've said all too many times, Katie is based on yours truly. And since this chapter will be based around her a bit, clearly I will show a little bit in it. And to help me write this, I listened to a lot of Twenty One Pilots. Seriously, if you're into like the indie stuff, check it out. Their wikipedia page officially says they are "Alternative rock, indie rock, indietronica, rap rock, alternative hip hop". I wont say it's the most feel good oriented music, but it's good and it helps me get through my days. I'm sure after this chapter, you'll think "How actual fucked up is the author? Is she a fuckin' loon?" But, you may never know.
But I'm sure what you want is a plot. And so I deliver.
Everything is always about the progressive character development. Do I ever makes you guys just sit down and think about them? Cuz if I do, that's pretty succesful. If I don't, well then... I don't know that's cool too. Sometimes thinking's kinda awful.
Anyways, please enjoy.
This is regular texts (does anyone
"This is when someone's talking" (even bother
This is when someone is thinking(to read any of this
This is phone or internet, electronical devices, speak (anymore?)
Just incase you get confused.
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~I'm Just Your Problem, Baby~
Katie
When I was twelve years old, I tried to kill myself. I was dumb though, for all I could hear. I tried to drown myself in my bath tub. I filled it all the way up and lay face down in it. It was cold, but comforting. I could feel when there was nothing left in my lungs, gasping in water, and my arms forced me up.
I breathed in the burning air, crying. I was weeping, as if I wanted to overflow the the tub with my tears. I held my face in my hands, desperately wishing I could go through with it. I screamed, my own blood curling. My mouth was watering for some unknown reason, and I was a mess.
That would end up being the first of four tries, before I gave up. I wasn't allowed to die.
I was... important.
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Marceline
It had been three days since Marshall's break down. Micheal attributed it to stress, my father had said that it may be a result of removing Tadaharu. I had made Katie, Finn and Nin go inside as I attempted to comfort my brother.
"I'm a monster," He cried.
"You're not a monster." I said.
"We're monsters." He said, tearfully. I felt something tighten inside of my chest as he continued. "We aren't natural. We aren't better than humans. We're worse. Why were we born this way? Why did mother do this? I don't want this. I never asked for this. She was wrong. We're not better. We're worse. We shouldn't exist. We're unnatural. I want to go home. There is no home. I want to go back. I can't go back. I want to die. I can't die.Where can I go? What can I do? Nothing. There is nothing. Ends. Nothing. Death. Nothing."
"Marshall, that's not true," I tried.
"Then tell me Marceline, what are we?" Marshall said, looking into me with his weak eyes. "What are we, if we're not monsters?"
"I... I..."
I didn't have an answer.
It was Friday now. I hadn't gone to school since Wednesday. Bubblegum was furious with me. Marshall hadn't left his room, and I hadn't left our house. Our father had tried and tried, but we refused to listen to him. He was slowly beginning to realize he had little control over us, since we had far surpassed his power. He had tried to talk to me and I had merely set a ward around my room. He had tried to talk to Marshall and he had responded by placing a boulder in his door.
It was Friday afternoon. School had finished just recently, I think. I was curled up on my futon, my arms around my knees. There was a furious banging on my door, and the shouting of a sweet voice.
"Marceline Abadeer!" Bubblegum shouted, angrier than ever. "I swear to god, if you don't put down this ward in five fucking seconds, I'm breaking up with you!"
And she was in my room. She gasped, holding her chest.
"I hate when you do that," She breathed out, surprised. That soon turned into concentrated anger as she whipped around to scream at me. "You've skipped almost a whole fucking week of school, you know."
"I know." I whimpered.
"Are you going to bother to tell me why at any point?" Bubblegum growled.
"It's... complicated." I said, swalloing hard.
"Well, start explaining." Bubblegum said, sitting right next to me. "If you're just going to continue sulking here, I guess we're both in for a long night."
"Every night's a pretty short night when you live forever," I said, coyly. I turned my face slightly, to give her a small smile. She grinned, looking pleased with herself.
"And so story's must be pretty short, as well," Bubblegum responded.
"If only things were that simple," I sighed.
"Things tend to be more complicated when you take time to think about them," Bubblegum said.
"Wouldn't that make your life one of the most complicated?" I retorted, lifting an eyebrow.
"But I happen to be able to find the good in life, unlike a certain pessimist I know." Bubblegum said, rollig her eyes at me. "Stop changing the topic. What happened to you and Marshall?"
"The same thing that's happened for years," I said, solemnly. "He's only just realized it."
"You're not monsters." Bubblegum replied, shortly.
"I didn't even sa-"
"You don't need to," Bubblegum said, placing a comforting hand on my arm. "I know you well enough to know what could get you down like this, besides losing to Marshall in Mortal Kombat. You're. Not. Monsters. You maybe trapped inside the body of one, even if I don'think so, but in your head, you're just a person."
"My head isn't the part that counts." I said.
"It's what counts to me."
"I hate to break it to you, but the world doesn't revolve around you." I sighed. "Even i mine does, that doesn't mean that my body will change itself to your every whim."
"That's not what I'm asking you to do." Bubblegum said, softly. "I'm just asking you to stop hating yourself. Nothing good can come from that. But we can all benefit from you just trying to understand yourself."
"I do understand myself," I said. "I'm a mo-"
"That's not trying!" Bubblegum snapped, grabbing the sides of my face with her small hands. "You're just feeling sorry for yourself! Sometimes, you have to let things go, Marceline! You're not a monster! Marshall isn't a monster! If anything, you're more saints for the fact that you've learned to control yourselves! Maybe you should think about that more often; you guys are explicitly evil, even if some believe it. You are good. You two are some of the best things to happen to the Earth. Don't tell Marshall I said that, though, because then I'd have to kill him."
"That'd be a sight to see," I said, smiling at her as she stared at me.
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Katie
I remeber when I was younger and I used to want to make friends. Despite knowing the basic nature of people, I wanted to have human companionship. I craved it. I didn't want the attention, I just wanted someone to want to talk to me. I wanted someone who wanted to be around me as much as I wanted to be around them.
Now I was older, and I've realized I was never meant to be able to have "friends". Isolation was my best friend, his silence all the words a person has never spoken. My only emotional outlet was my voice. In a small house, all to myself, where I knew I was alone. I was always alone.
For someone who seemed so strong, I cried a lot. I know what others think of me; The strange anti-social girl with no emotions. But that's not true. I have two emotions; Anger and depression. I longed to be free of everything for so long. I was so young, but I already felt so old. I just wanted to have a control I so clearly wasn't going to have in any other aspect in my life. For fucks sake, I couldn't even gather the courage to kill myself.
Perhaps it was because I knew hell existed, or maybe it was Them somehow preventing me from doing it. And maybe it was Them that prevented me from being able to make friends.
I'm sure a common psychologist would simply attribute it to social-anxiety and depression and what not. Which it may have very well been, I don't fully understand how mental disorders work on the supernatural and divine. But I knew I was more than that. I was a depressed, anxiety ridden, schizoid, psycopath.
But I don't really want to eloborate on that.
It was a Friday afternoon, the same as our very dear Abadeer has spoken about. I was sitting in my room, on my bed, listening to music. It was another day I contemplated offing myself, but I knew I couldn't. They were uninterested in me today, so I finally had some time to myself. I blocked my mind from the billion chattering voice, only allowing my own to remain in my head.
"Even if you tried, you know what would happen." I sighed to myself.
"Doesn't that make it all that much more worth another shot?" I replied, staring at my reflection in a window.
"You're a fucking idiot."
"Yeah, well, takes one to know one."
"Smart ass."
"Thanks."
"I fucking hate you."
"I know. I hate me too."
"I hate everyone."
"And everyone hates me."
"Hello."
"Hello."
"That's not so hard."
"Shut up."
"You're just a coward. Too afraid to live, too scared to die."
"I'm just a person."
"You're a prettve crappy person."
"It's hard to be more than a piece of shit when you can't find a reason to see yourself as anything more than that."
"You're supposed to be out there giving love to people."
"Why do I need to give to people who never me anything? I don't have a single obligation to them."
"You have an obligation of birth."
"I didn't ask to be born."
"You don't ask for anything."
"Because I don't expect anything from people."
"You expect everything from people."
"I expect them to leave me alone."
"But you're ever so interesting."
"We're a dull picture book, with black and white illustrations."
"I'd say we were a great novel, with a cover of pretty and sophisticated art."
"Then I'd say you're a fucking idiot."
"Aren't we already pretty fucking stupid for talking to ourself?"
"That's not stupidity, it just means I'm crazy."
"Maybe you should go see a shrink."
"How the hell would they help?"
"Maybe hey could get all that extra junk in your head organized."
"They can't help me intrepret the voice of the world."
"No, I mean the extra stuff. Like me."
"I don't want to."
"Why not? You want to be this depressing your whole life?"
"I don't trust them. Besides, my whole life will only be a a little while longer. Maybe a few days, maybe a few years. But it'll all be over soon, and I wont have to remember it. No one will."
"A little Nihilism in you, eh?"
"A little realism in us."
"Glass half empty?"
"Don't bother filling the glass, because it'll be empty eventually. Better to dream than to have and miss."
"What a downer."
"Yeah well, that's what you get when you're stuck with me."
"Sucks to be us."
"Sucks to be alive."
"Jesus H Christ, you're so hard to be around sometimes."
"I know."
Suddenly, there was a knocking on the door. I sighed and got up.
"Don't you wanna know who it is, first?"
"No."
Hubert was already standing by the door, ready to defend me if it was necessary. I undid the four locks on my front door, and opened it slowly.
"Uhm. Hi."
"Nin? He-" I said, choking on my words. I cursed myself for even trying. Hello. "What're you doing here? Going to join the end of the world?"
"No." He said, pursing his lips, his eyes filled with unexpressed disapproval. "I just wanted to see how you were doing. I haven't seen you in a while. I wanted to make sure you were okay."
"I'm fine." I said, feeling my hands already starting to shake.
"Are you... sure?" He said, eyeing my hands quickly before returning to my face. "If you need anything, you can tell me."
"I need you to stay out of my life until the apocolypse." I replied.
"But... wouldn't you like to, I don't know... hang out for Christmas or anything?" Nin said, shyly. I rolled my eyes.
"I don't want to celebrate the birth of christ."
"No, no, we're not like celebrating it." Nin said, shaking his head with a small laugh. "We're just gonna chill at the house, pass around presents, eat food. Watch some basketball, play some games."
"Why does that sound appealing to me at all?" I said, biting my thumb nail, roughly.
"You dont want to be all alone on Christmas, do you?" Nin said, with a reassuring smile.
"I do every single year." I said.
"Well, you can mix things up a bit this year."
"Mixing things up can often to lead to small explosions." I said, raising an eyebrow.
"Or they can lead to stuff like... a... lava lamp?" He tried, his eyebrows furrowing together in frustration.
"Look, I know you're just trying to be a good older brother," I said, wincing as his face lit up. "But I'm never going to be a good little sister. So, that's where our problem lies."
"So, you're not going to even try?" Nin said, sadly. He looked completely heartbroken, much like his father when he realized I wasn't the daughter he had imagined.
"No."
"Why not?" He asked.
"I don't have any reason to get attached to anything on the Earth." I said. "Or Heaven or Hell. Nor do I have any desire to try. I'm meant to be alone, and I don't have a desire to change the way things are supposed to be."
"I don't think that's the way it should be," Nin said. "Families are meant to be together."
"Not this fucked up one."
"Every family has issues."
"Clearly not on the same level as ours." I said, my mouth becoming dry. My hands were beginning to shake more violently, so I shoved them into the pockets of my hoodie. "Is this the only reason you came over? To ask me to spend Christmas with you guys?"
"Yeah, why?" Nin said, staring at me.
"There's no ulterior motive? No 'go make sure she's not making moves' kinda thing?" I said.
"No, I don't think our parents even know I came here." Nin said, with a shrug. "They would've insisted they come if I told them, and honestly, sometimes they're kinda lame to be around."
"You do know that I'll know if you're lying." I said, swallowing hard, dry air.
"I don't really have a reason to lie." Nin said, shrugging with a lazy smile. "Go ahead and check."
"Fine," I snapped, letting myself into his mind.
Hello.
I immediately glared at him as his grin began to widen into a full, bright toothed smile.
"Go home." I growled.
"Do you live alone?" He asked, ignoring me.
"Yes." I answered. "Go home."
"Don't you get lonely."
"I don't have the energy or motivation to be lonely." I said. "Go home."
"It's a pretty big place to keep all by yourself." He continued, beginning to try to walk in. I didn't let him, earning an amused look. "Doesn't it get tiring?
"Go the fuck home."
"I am." He said, and gently pushed past me. I blinked, shaking with fear and anger as I realized what he was implying.
"You can't live here." I snarled.
"You can't live alone." He said, examining the place. "It's ilegal."
"I don't care."
"You really don't actually keep this place in order, do you?" He said, walking around my living room. "Whoa! This computer is huge! What the heck do you use it for?"
"None of your business."
"I should know what it is, if I'm going to live here." He replied, moving to the kitchen. "Jesus christ, do you own dish soap? I'm going to clean all these dishes. It's like a mountain."
"I ran out a month ago." I sighed.
"Well, what else are you missing?" He said. "We better make a run to the store."
"I'll make one when I need to."
"We need to."
"We don't need to do anything. You need to get the hell out of my house, and I need to go back to being the little piece of fuck that I am."
"What the hell does that even mean?"
"Why does it fucking matter?"
"Aye, aye, you're so snippy."
"You're so fucking annoying! Leave!"
"I'm staying, whether you like it or not."
"Do you want me to do the same thing I did to Finn, to you?" I threatened.
"Would it make you feel better?" He said, looking into my eyes, searching for an answer I didn't know the question to.
"...what?" I said, stunned by his answer.
"Would it make you feel better to have me hurt?"
"Yes."
"Then fine, let Them, whoever they are, go at me." He said, holding his arms out.
"Why would you just let me let Them?" I asked, terrified.
"Because I care." He said.
"You're just trying to use me." I said. "That's what everyone wants. To use me. I'm tired of it. I'm not a toy."
"You're not a toy." Nin said, narrowing his eyes with concern. "You're my sister."
"I'm...I'm... go away!" I shouted, about to storm upstairs. I heard him pick something off a table.
"You listen to Twenty One Pilots?" He said, examining the CD cover.
"Yes, why?" I said, heading towards my stairs.
"I like them." He said. "They've got a lot of meaning behind their lyrics. Makes you really think."
"Or it makes you feel." I said.
"You like Car Radio?" He asked, non-chalantly.
"Yes... why?" I said, turning my head back towards him.
"I spent 16 years sitting in silence, you know." Nin said, looking at the picture of two old men. "Not surronding silence, but my own. I didn't even realize I existed. I still don't know if I exist. I wonder sometimes, what would happen if I wasn't real. If I'm just a fragment of something greater's imagination, projected onto everyone else."
"Wouldn't that make you pretty real?" I said.
"So then, why can't I feel?" He replied.
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So, I've a single thougt, among many others. Would any of you guys be interested in like skype group room thing? No pressure, but I thought, hey, maybe some of you guys would like to chat with me or each other. We could all be friends and what not. Maybe I could share some insights about the story, tell you guys about all the inspiration and how I made up names, how I came up with character personality, ideas and all that. And in exchange you can tell me what I've done wrong and what I did right, and what you think could improve, and shit like that. Tell me if this is a good or absolutely horrid idea.
omf: Hardly.
Cartoon-Slash-fangirl: This actually raises a good point you guys can help me decide with. I've contemplated making shorter chapters that come out more frequently (like this one), but I'm not entirely sure. Weigh in on your opinion guys, please? Was this good or do I go back to long chapters? Anyways, glad you liked it, thanks for the comment :)
The Song Has Spoken: Ah, my good pal Here's The Plan! Switching it up on me I see. Funny you should like Katie more and more, because she's almost basically your author. No, I can't actually read people's minds, but beyond that we are one. *Queue disney music* But I guess that wouldn't really apply here. I could go indepth and tell you what each thing means and shit, but I wont...In regards to our dearest Minx, it was confusing at first because I didn't realize she had two channels so I was like "okay let's click on both... THEY SOUND EXACTLY THE SAME WHAT IS THIS SORCERY." Needless to say, I am not the brightest candle in the store room. But, I have found it, and it is indeed enjoyable! Krism is also very adorable. You're a real bro for telling me! :D
Hey congrats, you got like a whole fucking paragraph out of me. Give yourself a pat on the back.
Liber-T.E.A: Punching him in the dick may or may not result in unfavorable consequences, on your part, so maybe not such a great idea?
THE DARK HOUND: Poor Marshall :c I want to say more on this topic, but I cannot! Must. Save. For. Plot! MUUUUUSTTTT.