Chapter 21
The day was warm and the sun shone down brightly through the clouds. Haley sat cross-legged on the blue and white checkerboard picnic blanket, her face turned upward to the sky, basking in the warmth. Nathan smiled; his gaze arrested by the joy on her face, and thought to himself again that he liked this woman. He liked her a lot. Seeing her, getting to know her without the angst and the heartache that had plagued them almost from day one, interspersed with days, an occasional week or two, of happiness, was a gift he would be forever thankful for.
Two weeks they had been 'dating' and he loved it. He had learned things about her that he hadn't known before this all happened.
This accident, this memory loss, was allowing him the chance to re-discover his wife in new ways. And for Haley, she was getting to know Nathan the man and not as she first had, as Lucas' jackass of a brother.
Whether or not these wonderful, lazy days would affect who they were once Haley remembered everything, he didn't know. Just now, he was simply savoring being with the woman he loved and not waiting for her memory to return or for the next disaster to befall them.
And he did love her. He loved 'his' Haley, and he loved 'this' Haley. They were two sides of the same woman, a before and after portrait. In her he could so clearly see the woman that she was when they met. He also appreciated much more fully the remarkable girl, woman she could be. He had been afraid that he would fall in love with 'this' Haley, thus somehow forsaking his love for 'his' Haley, but he now had hopethat that would never happen - could never happen.
She was one and the same and getting to know her like this was a joy. There had been times during their marriage when Nathan had thought that it just not could be possible that he could love her, adore her any more than he already did. He was learning differently. Seeing the young woman she was without 'his' Haley's memories and expercience made him treasure who she was now and what they had all the more. And love her more.
He could understand so much more about her, such as her connection to her mother and her father, despite their absence during their life together so far.
But a part of him couldn't wait for Haley to remember everything, he wanted to talk to her, to tell her what he saw now. He wanted the chance to be a better husband to her, a better man for her - more understanding, less controlling. And though a he was loving every moment spent getting to know her so completely, she was so open to him, so completely open and she loved him, only him; he couldn't wait for her to get her memory back. Because as much as he loved her now, a part of him still ached at the thought of what had once been, of what they had been. As much as he enjoyed being with her, the Haley she was now, and even though he now was 'this' Haley and 'his' Haley as the same person but before and after, a part a him wanted to get 'his' Haley back, the one who remebered their life together. The one he had married. But still he loved her, Haley, the one in front of him, his wife, whoever she was.
He loved her. He loved her so much.
Pushing the picnic basket to the side, he stretched out across the blanket, resting his head in her lap. She looked down at him in surprise, the smile still upon her face. Grinning, he met her gaze with a drawling "yes?"
"Are you comfortable?" There was laughter and teasing in her voice. He did love her.
"Very." His grin faded as her finger began to trace the corners of his mouth, the line of his nose. Her gaze was intent, a softness about her face that was reserved only for him. She loved him, seh hadn't known him for long, but she did love him and she so wanted him to love her. He hadn't said the words since their first date, always biting them away when they rose to his lips. It wasn't fair to 'this' Haley, he had told himself and yet he could see the want on her face, the desire to hear them again.
He hadn't been ready. Not yet. He didn't want to hurt her, but he loved her. He loved her now, loved who she was, who she would be. He loved her.
"I love you," he said then, softly, surely. Her eyes widened a bit and she let out a breathy sigh. The corners of her lips lifted and then settled back into a straight line as her lids lowered in a flash of disappointment. Quickly, she looked back up to the sky.
"It's a beautiful day." Her voice was tremulous and he could hear the threat of tears.
"Haley, I love you." Her eyes closed completely and one teardrop fell upon his lips. "I love you," he stressed the word slightly, sitting up. She nodded, but still would not look at him.
Sitting up more fully, he reached out and captured her face in the palm of his hands. "I love you."
Nodding again, she murmured softly, her eyes still downcast, "I know - you love - "
" - you. I'm not talking about 'my' Haley. I'm just talking about 'the' Haley. The beautiful, wonderful, adorable, delightful, sexy, fantastic woman sitting right in front of me. I love her." He leaned in closer, "and that's you." And it was true, he did love her. She was Haley. And, in the worse case scenario, she could be the only Haley he'd ever have, if she didn't regain her memory.
Finally, she met his gaze. "You do?"
Bending down, he pressed a soft kiss upon her lips and his breath dancing across her mouth, he whispered, "I do."
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A joy unlike any she had ever known before filled her. He loved her. Her. Not 'his' Haley, but just Haley, just her. Nathan loved her. She looked up into his beloved face, fully aware that her every emotion was visible there for him to see, but she didn't care. She never had the need to hide anything - anything from him.
"I love you." It felt so good saying the words, it felt so wonderful knowing he felt the same way. A giggle burst from her lips as she threw her arms about his neck. Laughing he fell back onto the blanket, his arms wrapping about her waist. "Do you have any idea how wonderful it feels hearing you say that?" He nodded before she even finished speaking.
"I think I have an idea," he added, smiling through his words.
"I am so happy right now. I can't remember ever, ever being happier. And it's because of you. I love you so much, Nathan. I love you."
"And I love you."
Haley sighed and tilted her face upward enjoying the warm sun on her skin. Eyes closing, she felt the warmth bursting through her body, exploding in her heart. She heard him shuffle beside her before he once again laid his head in her lap. Still, she didn't open her eyes. All she saw was the black of her closed lids and then a memory hit her.
She was in that club, TRIC, with Peyton, listening to a some rather off-key singers. And then there was a guy. He grabbed a guitar and started playing. He was really good. And she looked into his eyes. She looked into his eyes and she saw something.
Chris. Chris Keller.
Haley's eyes opened with a jolt. "Chris," she whispered.
"Hmm?" Nathan murmured softly.
She looked down at his face, her Nathan's beloved face and his eyes were still closed, a contented smile on his lips. And in her mind's eye she saw Chris' face. Chris Keller. The musician with an arrogant smirk. Chris Keller. The artist. The one she had gone on tour with.
Nathan opened his eyes, "Haley, what's wrong?" He sat up quickly and turned to face her. "What's wrong?"
Her eyes rose and she met his worried gaze. "I remember -" she paused and looked away. It felt like a betrayal. This felt like a betrayal. She loved Nathan. But she remembered Chris.
"What? You remember what?" And his hand came out, curving softly against her cheek. "Haley?"
She took a deep swallow and met his gaze. "I remember meeting," and she paused, trying to keep the tremor of emotion out of her voice, "Chris."
She failed. She could tell from the look on his face, a quick shuttering that happened in his eyes. She had failed to keep the feeling of that name from her voice, from her face. And so she looked away from Nathan, but she didn't see the trees to her side. She was still staring into Chris' eyes in her memory.