Rey
It was amazing, she thought, how he made her feel. They hadn't spoken about Starkiller, or her training, or anything. They had just slipped past it, buried it in the sand. But it nagged at her, every time she saw his scar. Pink and jagged, it did nothing to ruin the attraction of his features. Yet a little part of her hurt when she saw it. When she touched it with light fingertips, her turned away. She felt his disgust. Don't.
There wasn't much time left; she had been serious about the time constraint. And she wanted answers. She felt like they were drawing closer, and she wanted to tear down the walls she felt.
He had been neglecting his duties once they were back aboard his ship to be with her. She had run a hand through his hair and admonished him for it, but he had only crushed his mouth to hers. He wanted to live in a fantasy world. He wanted to forget.
Curled into him one night, she let him hold her hand. He was in a mood where little could make him happy.
"I wish we were back on Naboo again," he mumbled into her skin, and her eyebrows raised in surprise.
"You do?"
He nodded. "Things were good there. It was when we were on Starkiller that things were bad."
She turned towards him and let him lay his head on her breast. His long graceful fingers laced with hers squeezed lightly.
"It wasn't the change of location that did us in," Rey said lightly.
"Mm." He just said, and she didn't push it. She closed her eyes instead, worry creeping into her thoughts.
He must have sensed the change because he lifted his head and when she opened her eyes, he was staring right at her, the dark gleam of his eyes making it impossible to look away.
He kept his eyes locked with hers as he leaned down and kissed her chest. Didn't look away when he went lower, then lower. He grazed her thigh with his dark head and she swallowed, arousal sweeping through her already. He kissed the closed apex of her legs and she inhaled sharply, head falling back.
"Rey," he called softly, wanting her eyes back on his. He liked for her to watch.
His Hands swept her pants down her thighs and peeled them off of her. Next he slid his fingers beneath the thin straps of her underwear, tugging them away as well. She swallowed as he hovered, his gaze momentarily distracted by her bareness before him.
His large hands spread her open, and she tensed. He waited, caressing the inside of her thighs with his thumb until he felt her relax. Then he crept closer to the slit beneath dark curls where she was already wet with want. For him.
He had admitted before that she was the only person he had ever done this with, but still somehow he knew well what he was doing. A single swipe of his tongue left her boneless and tense all at once. Desire coiled within her, strained, and she loved it.
He hummed while he did it, focused and content. She whimpered when he drew circles around the nub that throbbed, and sighed when he went lower to where she ached. He devoured her happily, dark gaze flicking up now and then to see the expressions she could not disguise.
Today was somehow different. She was trying to lose herself as she so often did with him, but her chest was tight. She closed her eyes, trying to just feel. She didn't always let him do this, it felt so open and bare. The first time, she had him hold her hand while he did it—she had been scared. It was too vulnerable.
Emotion welled in her, choking her. She tried to stop it, but everything rushed at her so fast; his arms, pinning her legs down, were constricting. Her fear, her memories from Starkiller and the approaching date of her supposed release. The overwhelming feeling of his love and the edge of his darkness. It all came for her in that moment.
"Stop!" She cried, letting out a small sob. Her hands, which had been clutching the sheets of the bed, were shaking.
Ren's head bobbed up immediately and the pressure of his arms were gone. She saw the fear on his face, but somehow it only made her more upset and she let out another sob.
"Darling," he rasped. "Did I hurt you?"
She reached for him and shook her head. He had her tucked against him immediately, fingers brushing away tears.
"You have to let me go," she cried into his chest. "You can't do it again, I can't—"
"What?" Confusion and anxiety made up his deep voice as he tried to pry her from him to see her face, but she clutched him close. She was embarrassed and confused herself—how had she dissolved into this ball of nerves so quickly?
"You promised," she sobbed. "You promised."
His hand smoothed her hair a little too hard—she was scaring him. "I don't understand, Rey. I thought we had two more days. Did I—did I say something to make you think-?"
She shook her head again. "Oh, Ren," she choked.
He held her tightly to him. "Help me understand. I want to understand."
She swallowed hard, trying to stop crying. "I just—I feel like it's going to happen again. I don't want to be a prisoner, but I just feel—I can't stop thinking—"
"It's ok," he soothed. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry Rey."
"I know."
A deep, sorrowful sound came from his throat. "No, I—I should have…You're not a prisoner. I know it must feel like it did last time, but I swear it's different, I know…" his voice broke. "I know I can't keep you."
He sounded like he was in so much pain that Rey pulled back. He didn't meet her eyes, and she touched his cheek.
"I still love you," she said. "I just have to know."
He nodded, eyes distant. "You're free," he managed. "Even if you wanted to leave now. I would. I would let you go."
Curiosity nudged at her. "Why is it different this time?"
Pain was etched deep in his gaze. "I'm so afraid," he whispered, his hands coming up to cradle her cheeks. "I've been so afraid of losing you. I thought…when you were gone…that you hated me. That I had lost you. That's why I had to find you, capture you again. I needed to know if it had been a lie. I felt that you leaving meant that you hated me, but I see now that it didn't mean that."
"Yes," she said slowly, and without a thought her eyes began to trace his scar.
"I know you love me," Ren said, desperation thick like syrup. "But it's so easy to forget. I doubt it when you are gone, I wonder…But if I do the right thing, what you want…then maybe it won't feel like that."
She touched his forehead against his. "I don't understand Ren. How could you forget?"
He shook his head. "The darkness…" he tried, but then failed. "I just have to hold onto it, tightly."
She kissed him carefully on his lips, and then his eyelids. "Let it be known," she said quietly. "That I love you. I can't…even when you are filled with darkness, I still love you. I know you're here."
She leaned back and his full lips faltered.
"I won't give up on you," she said.
"And when I am a monster?"
She looked at him reproachfully. "I know it is not who you are inside. I just want you to be you. Why is it so hard?"
He shrugged and removed himself enough to stand.
"I can't be a man you want," he said.
She tilted her head and let her shoulders fall. "You are already not the man you were when we met."
He sighed. "Is it love that makes me weak?"
She went to stand next to him. "No. It makes you strong. It makes me strong."
"Hm," was all he had to reply.
Kylo
He hadn't realized how much he had hurt her. How scared she was. Rey was a pillar of strength. Only lately had he been able to peer inside and see more. It was nice, really, to have her trust him so. He knew it meant a lot for her to show him the vulnerability she had shown on Jakku and even tonight.
It made him only love her more.
If it wouldn't insult her, he would have told her how much he wanted to protect her. To ensure that she never was hurt again. Not by anyone, especially himself. But it seemed inevitable—he was always doing the wrong thing. Even when he knew he was, he still did it.
"Sometimes I think you don't know me at all," he told her. His voice sounded more tired than he expected.
She had a little frown between her eyes. "What do you mean by that?"
He smoothed the skin there to erase the frown. "I think you see me as someone I'm not."
Rey shook her head and leaned against him. "I know who you are. I know what you do."
He swallowed dryly. "Yet you are still here. Why?"
She circled around to face him, grasping both of his limp wrists in her hands.
"Because you are not the man you wish to be. Kylo Ren, the Jedi Killer, is not all you are. It's not who you are with me."
"It is still a part of me."
She nodded slowly. "You don't scare me. The darkness is a part of us both."
He stepped in closer to look down at her upturned face. "You could never be like I am. You are a light in the darkness."
Careful hazel eyes considered him for a moment. "We balance each other nicely," she said.
This was something he had not considered, and he felt himself frowning. So it seemed she was right.
She stretched up and closed the space between them. Her soft lips melted into his and the tension in him withered. When he broke the kiss, his thumb stroked her cheek as he examined her eyes.
"Do you want to leave? Right now?"
She shook her head and slipped her arms around him, lying her head on his chest.
"No, I'll stay for two more days. I don't—" she paused. "I don't know when we will be able to be together again."
He nodded wordlessly, stroking her hair.
"We'll figure it out," he replied.
Two fleeting days later, he numbly watched her check the ship for takeoff.
She sighed, resting her hand on the ship, giving it a little pat like it was a pet before she turned and caught his eye.
"You look so sullen," she said, clearly in an effort to be lighthearted. Ren reached for her and ignored the effort, trying to soothe the monster inside him the screamed of her abandonment.
"You will be all right?" He asked, sounding rougher than he meant.
She squeezed him tightly, her arms just reaching all the way around him.
"I'll be fine. I'm only going so far as to change ships."
He felt his lips slide into a pout. He had insisted that the ship wasn't bugged, but she was firm. And at this point, he found it impossible to argue with her.
"Be careful," he insisted darkly, and she pulled back to look him square in the eye.
"I'm going to be fine," she stressed, her head cocking to the right. "I'm more worried about you here than I am about myself."
"You have terrible priorities," he replied. He expected a quick, slashing remark, but she just laughed a little and kissed the corner of his mouth.
"Promise me you'll remember," she whispered, digging her palms into his dark hair. "Promise."
Dry mouthed, he nodded. "I promise."
His communicator beeped and his heart leapt at the little sigh she made. Her hands slid from his hair.
"Trust me," she whispered. "This won't be the last. But I need you to trust me."
He nodded again and looked away, not able to look at her and hide the overwhelming need that had suddenly clutched him.
"I love you," she said, and squeezed his hand. He couldn't answer her, and as her fingers slipped from his he found it impossible to watch her leave. His empty hand clenched into a fist.
The door to the ship closed with a hiss. The sound reverberated in the empty hangar that Ren had cleared just for this. He felt the air pick up as the engines whirred to life and with great resign, he raised his mask up and put it back on.
Her ship rose just as his visuals clicked on. Through the visor, he watched the ship hover at the exit, preparing for the jump to hyperspace. As her ship etched out of sight, Ren felt wetness slide down his cheek and into his neck.
He turned away as his outer communicator beeped again. With one, swift clench of his fist, he destroyed it.
A/N
Sorry this is so late and short, but I wanted to update and let everyone know I'm still alive and loving this story. I simply haven't had any time or motivation due to finals and such, my apologies! You all are wonderfully encouraging and understanding, thank you. Soon enough I'll have more than enough time to write! Until then, imagine Rey's excitement at flying a First Order ship~ You know she'd love it!