"So, how do you like it here?" I ask her once we're on the path to the camp and we can't disturb anyone.
"It's good" she replies matter of factly. I wait for her to say something else, but she doesn't.
"Just good? Come on, you can elaborate"
"What, are you begging for compliments? You know very well that this place is pretty cool, what else do you want me to say?"
I look at her with the most mischievous look that I possess "Pretty cool, ahn? That means 'really really cool' coming from someone who doesn't know how to give compliments".
She playfully pushes my shoulder with hers and I almost stumble down.
"You did a great job here kid. See? I can give compliments. No big deal. I would work a little bit more on the hospitality, though". She jokes.
"What do you mean? I'm here, the Emperor of this Camp, giving you a special private tour of the most beautiful secluded secret place in the world and you doubt my hospitality?" In the meantime, we've left the main path and we're moving into the woods, towards the meadow.
"Not that I don't like it there, but I've been to your secret place a few times in the past few days, so it's not so secret anymore".
"And who said we're going there?" I'm so excited that I feel like running.
"We're not? Interesting..." She sounds genuinely intrigued. As we reach the meadow, I go straight for the oak tree and I lay my bag between its roots. Alex takes off her shoes and puts her feet into the water; I can see drops of sweat on her nape.
"Is this the part where you stab me and then serve my meat to your guests tonight?" She doesn't turn in my direction, but she's starting to use sentences with more than 3 words. I think this is definitely an improvement.
"Well, that's a very convoluted and sick thought, but no, this time you're lucky, it would take me too much time to get the barbecue ready and, to be honest, who wants to stay in front of a direct source of heat in this weather? Not me." To prove my point, I start to take off my shirt as she turns around.
"Well, that's also a very detailed answer …have you ever -" she stops in mid-sentence. I look up and I see her eyes quickly moving to my face. What they were pointing at before, I'll never know. But I can guess. I'm happy, but in a non-healthy way.
"Have I ever what?" I answer with faked innocence as I proceed to remove my shorts. She quickly recovers.
"..killed someone?"
"Mmm" I pretend to think about it "…not yet"
Her smile seems forced this time, and the situation is a little bit strange, me in a bikini under a tree and Alex on the water a few feet down from me and fully dressed.
"So…" I start.
"Yes?"
"I want to show you a place..."
"I know, that's the whole point of me following you here" she says with a smile.
"Yeah but, we need to...you know, go upstream, mostly inside the stream...so..."
"So...?" Her eyebrows rise in a way that I remember too well. She doesn't get it. I think she genuinely doesn't get it. Fuck it, why does it have to be so difficult all the times?
I try again "You should, you know…" I don't finish the sentence because it would be too embarrassing, asking her directly to get undressed, but I move my hands in front of her in a way that clearly says that.
She's puzzled for a second, but then I see her features change in an understanding expression "Oh, Ok". I'm surprised by her lack of quick, funny or arrogant reply. I would expect something among the lines of "eager to see me naked?" or something like that, but nothing, she just mutters something like "fucking heat", she comes out of the water and joins me under the oak tree without saying anything else and making everything so awkward again. Holy fuck.
She is awkward, I am awkward, this is awkward. I have totally forgotten what I'm supposed to do in the most basic situations. She starts to remove her shirt. Where do I look? Do I have to say something? What can I do to avoid looking at her while she gets undressed? I take the few steps that separate me from the small river, I put my feet into the water and I pretend to look at some leaves floating in the stream. My brain is clogged with billions of voices screaming DANGER, but none of them really reaches that part of me that is so determined to go on and see the end of this. Where is that part? In my brain? In my guts? In my heart? Nope. Not going there. My heart is taken. This feeling, that I don't want to call guilt, but fucking hell it definitely feels like it, almost made me forget of the object of said guilt (that is not guilt).
"I'm ready" She says behind me. I turn around just because I don't want to look more awkward than what I already feel. I regret it immediately. I regret a lot of things, all the things I did that brought me here, in this place, in this exact moment of time, with Alex in white underwear in front of me, looking uncomfortable. I wish she'd never came here. I advert my eyes as soon as I can. She's stunning.
"Ok, let's go. We're barefoot, so you have to be careful and watch where you put your feet. Try to follow my steps".
"Ok boss" I feel her tone getting a little lighter, so I venture in a side look and a smile as a response. I take the walkie talkie from my bag, in case something happens, and I start to walk in the riverbed.
The first few minutes pass in silence and peace. I don't know if you can really call it silence when you're surrounded by the sounds of nature...the birds, our steps in the water, the occasional frog jumping in the stream. Everything is peaceful and green and golden thanks to the sunbeams filtering through the treetops. This is my favorite part of the day, the first hours after midday, everything is so quiet, lazy, calm. I realize that I don't hear Alex behind me. I stop and I turn around. She's a few feet behind.
"Getting older?" I try to joke.
"I saw something cool back there and I stopped. I've never been this fit, for your information"
I look at her with disbelief. Part of her underwear is already see through in the spots where the water hit it. When I notice it, I turn around as quickly as I can. I've already seen enough. And I know she's fit.
"Auch!" I turn around again to see her grabbing her left foot and trying to look at something on the sole.
"What happened?"
"Something stung me!"
"What? Let me see" I get close to her and I sit on a big rock on the water. She comes closer, puts her hand on my shoulder for stability and she raises her foot again to put it in my lap. There's familiarity in the gesture. There's nothing on the foot plant. A little red area, but nothing to be worried about. I trace the outline of it to make sure there's nothing unusual. She abruptly removes the foot. I look up at her. Her hand is still on my shoulder.
"Sorry, I'm ticklish. So, what was it?"
"Well, I think it's one of those rare and mortal river jellyfish. I'm afraid there's nothing we can do. We have to amputate the whole leg and hope for the best…"
She looks at me with an amused annoyed look. I continue. "Or a shark, you know that bull sharks can swim upstream, like salmons".
"Are you done?" She's smiling with all her teeth.
"Yep" I say as I get up on my feet again breaking the physical contact between us. "It's nothing. Probably just a sharp stone".
"River shark season is over?"
I laugh at her joke and I keep moving towards the place I want to show her. We're almost there. I just look back for a second to see if she can walk, but I don't see her having a hard time, so I increase the pace.
We're now in the darkest part of the woods, the dark green treetops cover most of the sky and here, in the shadows, the temperature drops a little bit. I shiver but it's a welcomed sensation, after all the heat we had to deal with during the day. The atmosphere is always magical, and a little bit scary. It's like walking into an emerald cocoon that smells like humid wood, macerated leaves and musk. It's like being in another world. The riverbed is larger here, and flat, so we can walk side by side.
"This is - this is - wow"
"Yeah, I know" I reply. She's looking around like a child on an amusement park.
"I wish I had a place like this…"
"Well, technically this is not mine and I don't think that the Government of the United States will mind if you'd come here now and then".
This time she doesn't smile, she keeps looking around. I know this face, she's thinking about something obsessively. That's the face she used to make when we were together but she was thinking about her drugs. Needless to say, I hate this face. But I also know what to do in these situations: absolutely nothing. If I say something, a fight is guaranteed. I've been very good in the past at ignoring this face.
We have reached the most difficult point of the walk, we have to climb a short waterfall with some big rocks. Nothing impossible, you just need to know where to put your feet, especially since we're barefoot.
"You just have to put your left foot here, on this pineapple shaped rock. Careful, it's slippery". I watch her from the corner of my eyes doing everything I tell her to do, but she doesn't say a word other than the usual "fuck" now and then. The "thinking face" is always on.
With a last push I reach the top of the rocks, so I turn around and I extend my hand.
"Give me your hand, we're almost there". I look at her from an upper position, she's hesitating. Is it pride or is it that she doesn't want the physical contact with me? I'm paranoid. God, it's so consuming.
She finally decides to take my hand. Her abs are stretching. I must not look at her abs. With a push, she joins me on the top of the rocks and releases my hand as soon as she can. She's facing me now, we're close, but not so much.
"Paradise is after that curve" I say with a proud smile. Maybe I've just misunderstood everything. She nods with a small smile and she brakes the eye contact with me. That's enough. The old Piper knew that she had to close an eye in these situations not to ignite a fight, but the new Piper doesn't care. What is there to lose? Maybe the right question is 'WHO is there to lose?', but the answer is nothing and nobody. You cannot lose what's not yours.
I lean my hand on her forearm and her eyes finally meet mine again. I need to be careful, using soft words to maintain the equilibrium. One wrong word and this is over.
"What's the matter with you? You haven't said a word in the last ten minutes… If you don't want to stay here we can go back, or you can go back" without me. I don't say it out loud but it is heavily implied. I'm giving her a way out and I'm ready to deal with the consequences, in case she takes it.
She's not looking directly at me, but at something over my shoulder and I can almost hear her brain thinking. She swallows visibly and she takes a big breath.
"I don't think we should do this" she finally whispers looking again at me.
A wave of shame rushes through my body. Here I am, wanting to spend time with my ex-girlfriend while the girl I will get married to is somewhere in NY completely unaware of what I'm doing and what I'm feeling. And who gets to acknowledge out loud the big pink elephant in the room? My ex-girlfriend. Not me. I feel cheap, even though I know my feelings for Martha are real. But I've made a decision this morning, I decided to take this day off my life, like a bonus day. I've decided to totally ignore the big fat gigantic pink fucking elephant in the room. That was my decision and that's the decision I'll stuck with. Tomorrow is another day, I can decide to tell Martha everything. Fuck, I probably will. But not now. Now there's no fucking elephant.
"Why? Going for a swim is against your religion?"
I know that joking is stupid. I know that it's like trying to defuse a bomb with peanut butter. I know a lost battle when I see one, but I'm not yet ready do give up on the idea that everything can magically become what I want it to be.
"Piper…" she says with that low voice, capable of saying the best and the worst things. There's no evilness in her tone this time.
"I know Al, but this is not wrong. Yes, lying is wrong, but this, us right now, walking, taking a swim together, this is not wrong". Even I don't believe in my words. This is totally wrong.
"We shouldn't dig up something that has been buried for so long" I know what she means, but I don't want to give up.
"But it has been buried the wrong way"
She looks at me with a smile and a raised eyebrow that screams 'no bullshit'.
"Come on Alex, it's a good metaphor…"
"It's a poor metaphor. But that's not the point. You know what I mean." Of course I know what she means, that's why I'm trying to avoid the subject.
"Yes, I know what you mean. But I know that you know what I mean, too" I try to explain.
She looks skeptically at me. No more bullshit? Ok, no more bullshit.
"Listen Alex, I'm not stupid and you're not stupid. We might not talk about it, and it's surprisingly good for me too. If you're here, with me, right now, is because at least a part of you wants to be here. Otherwise, you would be in the opposite side of camp or in NY or on the other side of the world, but not here. It cannot be about doing Nicky a favor anymore, and it cannot be because you just want to see a beautiful place or because you're bored. So, I don't need to know why you're here, but yet you are…here…with me" I stop just to breath some air.
"Are you done with your argument?" she interrupts me with a smirk.
"Yes, your honor" I also bow slightly.
"And are you proud of yourself?" Always with the smirk.
"It depends. What do you think about it?" She looks at me with an indecipherable look.
"I'll take the Fifth and decline to answer"
"Too easy, Alex" I joke, but I don't break the…moment we're having.
She shrugs. "It's never been too easy"
I don't know what she means by that, but I know that if I keep pushing, she's going to break. I'm going all in.
"So, do you want to go back?" We both know what I'm implying with this question.
I see her being conflicted. After what seems like a lifetime, she opens her mouth.
"No" Simple as that. I feel…lighter. I cannot hide a smile.
"Well, let's go then" I know she was expecting a rapid series of questions from me, but she doesn't know the new Piper. A contented mind is a perpetual feast, they say.
In this section of the stream, the riverbed is sandy, so walking barefoot here is wonderful. The sun starts to hit us, since the trees become sparser and it's a welcomed sensation. The contrast between the hot sun and the cold of the water, makes me shiver, but in a good way.
"Here we are, after that curve. You go first"
"In case an alligator is waiting for us?"
"Of course".
She jokes. I can see she's curious. I want her to be the first human being, after me, to see this place. And I want to see the look on her face when she finally…
"Holy fuck!" When she turns her head to look at me, there's a big smile waiting for her, with all of my teeth in display. She moves her head from me to the vision around us. She's in awe. And I am too. That's exactly the reaction I wanted to see. Is it stupid to be so happy because someone else likes the thing you love?
"Are you fucking kidding me? How is this place even real? How…the water…it's so blue and so clear…and whoa, the wall of stones. It can't be natural"
I cannot help but laugh at her enthusiasm.
"What did I tell you? Paradise…"
"…fuck" She moves around to take on the surroundings. The perfectly green trees, the perfectly round pool of perfectly deep blue water, the sun that perfectly hits the water leaving enough shadow. I put the walkie talkie on a rock on the ground, I move towards the wall of rocks and start to climb it.
"Where are you going?" She enquires from behind me.
"Up there! The view is fantastic and I'm going to dive into the pool…"
"Is it safe?" I didn't expected this question. I stop for a moment and I turn around.
"Well, I'm still alive, so…"
"Wait, I'm coming with you" Once an adventurer, always an adventurer.
In a few seconds she's up here with me, looking down at all the best that nature can offer.
"What is it, 15 feet?"
"I think so, more or less…why? Are you scared Alex?" She turns around and she looks at me with her classical cocky Vause smile.
"Please, I've jumped from worst things"
"So, you wanna jump, Miss Backflip?" I know Alex. The only way to make her do something, is to challenge her to do it.
"Sure. Jump with me?" I didn't expect her invitation at all, but who cares? Maybe she wants to test my courage.
"Sure" I say as calmly as I can. I've already jumped twice from this place, and truth is, it's a little bit scary. The first time I did it, I've waited at least 20 minutes before convincing myself that I would not die if I jumped forward enough to avoid the wall of rocks. The second time it was better. I just waited 10 minutes. But, of course, here in front of Alex I'm acting cocky and confident.
"On three. Ready?" I nod. "One, two, three…" Deja-vu. I stop myself while I watch her jumping forward, free falling into the pool with her arms extended like they are wings, floating in the air. And then, with a loud splash, she's into the freezing water. I know it's freezing, I know the shock. The water is so clear that I can see her underwater, touching the ground with her feet and pushing herself up, towards the surface. One of the things that amaze me the most on these days is Alex's wet hair. She jumped in as a strange red hair girl and she emerged as a dark haired Alex. My Alex. As soon as she's out of the water with her head, she shakes it and breathes soundly. She looks around, I think she's looking for me.
"It's fucking, fucking, fucking freezing". She keeps turning around, moving just with her arms, but she can't find me. She's perplexed.
"If you keep moving, you're going to get used very quickly to the temperature" I scream at her from the top of the rocks.
She finally looks up at me.
"What the fuck are you doing up there?" I smile and I shrug.
"Looks familiar?" I ask her.
"What?" She's confused.
"Does this situation look familiar to you? With roles inverted, of course!" I cannot stop this smile from spreading, waiting to see if she catches the hint. She thinks about it for a second, before starting to laugh.
"Come on Pipes. At least that time in Cambodia the water was warm, not like this freezing hell coming directly from the Arctic"
I laugh. Too much laughing and smiling today. Tomorrow my cheeks are going to be sore. She's struggling to stay afloat, swim in fresh water is way more difficult than swimming in sea water.
"At least tell me that I'm not the first human being to have jumped from up there, risking my life". I would like to tell her that now she knows what it means to be left alone doing something scary, but this is not the moment to act like a child and, mostly, I don't care anymore. So a take a big jump and I launch myself in the air. The feeling of the free fall on my stomach always takes my breath away, but this time, I don't know, it's like I'm feeling it…more. I land on the water a few feet from Alex, I jumped carefully not to crash on her head. I welcome the sensation of the water wrapping around me, like an ice blanket.
When I emerge, Alex is there, waiting for me with a smile, she's already gotten used to the temperature of the water, unlike me. I'm breathing heavily. I splash her a little bit with my hand and her smile grows.
"You're a child…"
I move around to get warm.
"So? What did I tell you?" I say as I'm swirling around.
"You know what? It was worthy…having to listen to you bragging about this place and then having to also agree with you…still worthy" She's smiling, and it means that she's joking. When she's serious, like five minutes ago, she doesn't smile.
"Happy to serve. A happy guest is my reason to live"
"You're still so full of crap" a splash of water hits me on the cheek this time. I reply with a proud and elegant face.
I move around again until I'm floating on my back, my favorite position, so I can look at the sun through the leaves.
"How did you find this place, again?"
"Just walking around, with no destination…" I reply without moving.
"Alone?"
"Well, yeah. Kind of. With Ralph. Technically, you are the second human being to ever see this place… "
I hear her mumbling something. "What?" I ask.
"Nothing. It's just…the Piper I knew would have never done that without someone. You would have never jumped in Cambodia if I wasn't there with you. You did it to impress me"
She's right, at least partially. But I don't like to be reminded how I've spent the majority of my life, even if I've learnt to understand that those years have been fundamental for my journey.
"Maybe you're right, but that's… before. I've stopped doing a lot of unnecessary things now…" I don't go into details, she doesn't need to know all my struggling, and probably, she doesn't even care.
"I'm starting to believe you" She says nonchalantly, like it's not one of the greatest things she's ever told me since Monday. But my heart starts beating faster and I'm not so cold anymore. This means more than I can explain. If she believes me, maybe she can also believe how much I'm sorry. Or, better, how much I was sorry. I don't want to say anything else, I don't want to ruin the purity of what has just happened, even though she probably hasn't even realize it.
"And what about you, did you change at all in these last years?"
I hear her laugh somewhere beside me, my eyes are always fixated on the leaves and the sky as I'm floating around. "Of course I did, haven't you seen me?"
"I meant beside the obvious physical appearance…"
"I know what you meant, but I don't know. I don't think I've really changed, it's more like I've learnt to adjust. To life, to situations. When you realize what really matters, you stop doing things that are not important to you"
"So, basically, you're saying that you get wiser as you get older?"
"Not necessarily, it depends on you. On how you react. The same thing can make you better or break you…"
"Yeah…I do agree to that. And you are better now…" That's the most personal thing she has ever told me, so I try to push it a little bit. I don't want to know more than what she's willing to tell me.
"Mostly yes, I'm in a good place. But clearly I'm still not that wise"
I don't know if she's hinting at what we're doing right now, but it's not important. I'm happy to know that she's doing good. I believe her. I stay in silence, thinking about recent life changing things, not really wanting to go there…but it's impossible not to…
"I was sorry to hear about your mom…" Her voice breaks my thoughts. It's like she's reading my mind. Maybe it's obvious. Since it happened, it's always on my mind. Life's too short, I don't want to die alone like her, stuff like that. Maybe Alex saw it too. She could've stay silent, but she's decided to acknowledge it. I really do appreciate it.
"Thanks…"
"How?" I don't know why she keeps asking questions, I feel too emotional right now.
"Heart. It just… stopped" I hope she'll stop too, this is…not…I cannot open myself to her on this. It's too delicate.
I'm startled by a warm hand on my arm. I turn my head on the left to see Alex too close to me.
"It'll get better" I can see her honesty. Fuck I can feel it. I'm so close to tears, but I don't want to go there right now, so I mutter a "Thanks" and I break the contact swimming towards the rocks so I can lean on them and rest for a while. The water there is not deep enough so I can touch the bottom with my feet. Alex stays in the middle of the pool, still using arms and legs to stay afloat. Doesn't she get tired?
"Want to change the topic?" she still knows me well.
"Fuck yeah" I say with a small smile.
She stays quiet for a while. I think she's waiting for me to ask questions or to find a new argument, as usual. As I'm about to say something, her voice anticipates me.
"So tell me something you did, in these last years that I would not expect you to" Wow….that's…wow. That's personal and small funny talk. And wow.
"Mmm…let me think" I say as I stretch on the rocks. I want to do this in the right way "I went on a trip to Norway on my own, to see the northern lights".
"Mmm…nah…too easy. Norway is not dangerous. Everyone can travel alone in Europe. I'm not impressed…tell me something else…"
"Like what? Make an example…"
"Well, for instance, I'd discovered that I find solace in knitting. All kind of things. Hats, scarves, sweaters…"
I look at her shocked and incredulous, trying to see if she's serious or she's joking. She raises her hands above the water with a big smile. Dear God, she's serious. I start to laugh really loud at the images that have formed in my head right now. Fucking Alex Vause knitting in front of a fireplace? God no.
"See, that was easy…now it's your turn" A part of me thinks that she's doing all of this only out of some sort of pity, but I try to shut this voice.
"Well, ok, this is serious. I get it. Well, I…mmm. Let's see….yeah! I've got it! I ran a marathon" I say with pride. I can see in her eyes that she didn't expect this. Good.
"Woah! That was good, and pretty impressive for someone who once said that the only good things about sports are the breaks"
"Oh god, how could you remember that?" I cover my eyes in shame.
"How could I forget it? You said it while we were at the fucking Super Bowl…Do you know how difficult it was to get the tickets?"
"And I'll never thank you enough for that! The halftime show with the Rolling Stones was great" now she's on my left, the water on her side is too deep, so she's clinging to the rocks for support.
"I cannot argue with that" She says rolling her eyes.
I can't help but thinking back at that time. I had the universe at my feet, in less than 1 year I've travelled the world, I've seen beautiful places, I've been to the Super Bowl and I was madly in love. And yet, I was so stupid. If only I could relive those experiences but with this awareness…
But hell, I need to stop thinking about it. Moving on is always been so fucking difficult for me and even though I know that I needed to be stupid in order to understand a few things, I can't stop feeling like I've wasted time and opportunities. I need to live in the present and the present is me, in the water with Alex, talking about stuff like two old friends. And this thing in my present is good, so I just need to stop overthinking everything and stop thinking about Alex like she's the same Alex I once knew. I am different, so why do I assume she hasn't changed?
"I like this game- So, since I've clearly won this challenge, now it's your turn again" I say.
"What?" she turns her head in my direction like she's being insulted "First of all, this wasn't supposed to be a challenge…"
I'm about to reply but she shushes me raising her index finger and she continues "BUT, if this thing was a challenge, well, I would have won. Come on… Alex Vause knitting? That's way bigger than a marathon…everyone with two legs can run…"
"I strongly disagree with that. Nowadays knitting is totally mainstream, especially for the new hipsters like you…"
"Oh no, you didn't!" she comes close threateningly, but I can see she's joking.
"Of course I did. Alex Vause in 2020, hipster. Come on, working in the arts, going to a camp in the woods, knitting? And your car? Totally hipster…" A splash of water hits me on the face. But I've gotten used to the temperature, it's not that cold anymore. I laugh from the heart.
"Come on Alex…tell me something else…and we'll see if that's hipster enough…"
"Stop it!" she laughs with me.
"Then tell me" She seems to think about it, she opens her mouth but then…
"No" she says,
I laugh at her answer. I know that face…
"Alex, I know that face…what were you saying? And why did you stop? Come on….say it"
She just smiles and she goes underwater just to emerge on the opposite side of the pool, where there are others rocks to cling to. There are now 20 feet between us.
"Come on…you cannot swim from me…just tell me"
I can see she's conflicted, but she lower her gaze, smiling and then her eyes are on me again.
"I own a garden. I grow my vegetables, I make tomato sauce, marmalade and I make some motherfucking good artichokes. Happy? And don't' you dare say anything…"
Dear god.
"Hey, I was just going to say that it's fantastic and wonderful and healthy and no hipster at all"
We laugh together.
She shakes her head while moving around in the water, but remaining on the other side of the pool. She tries to float facing up, like I was doing before. I have a joke ready on the right hipster way of swimming, but my words are stuck on my throat because now that she's in that position I can see everything. And by everything, I mean everything. She's basically floating naked in front of me. Till now I was too focused on our conversation to actually look at her. But now my eyes have betrayed me, they're fixed on the wet underwear and on the skin underneath it, now perfectly visible. She's looking at the trees, not at me, so I cannot look away.
I can deny a lot of things, I can be confused about feelings, I can blame everything on the shock of seeing Alex after all these years, but I cannot pretend to deny the sensations on my body right now at the sight in front of me. I've always been sexually drawn to Alex since the beginning of our story. Her voice, the scent of her skin, the way she touched me. And, after all these years, my physical response to her body is still powerful and immediate. Fuck, seeing her nipples peaking from the wet bra, erected from the cold water, I swear I can feel one of them in my mouth. For a moment I wonder how it would be, to take it, suck it, to warm it up with my tongue, to feel it between my fingers. To hear her sighs. I can feel a pulse between my legs, It's an objective physical response, like a Pavlov's bell. I cannot deny that, it's natural.
However, what I can actually do is trying not to think about it. Change the subject. Look away.
"Red would be proud of you, you know? You own your own garden…you grow your vegetables…"
She doesn't move from her position and doesn't look at me. "I guess so"
"Can I ask you something?" I say in her direction. I take her lack of response as a yes. "Red…"
I don't need to add anything else. I can hear her taking a big breath.
"I don't like your new intuitive side…"
I knew that the argument was an issue, I've seen her face when I mentioned Red.
"If you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to…"
"And I don' like this respectful side either"
I don't reply. I know she's just buying some time before speaking again.
"I feel guilty. When…when it happened, I was…it was very difficult for me, so I did the only thing I knew how to do. I cut the ties with everyone, everyone that reminded me of that past, not only Red, but everyone…Boo, Lorna, everyone"
"Except Nicky"
"Except Nicky. I needed someone more fucked up than me to have my back" she laughs, but it's a bitter laugh.
I keep quiet. And she goes on. "So, by the time I felt better and not like a complete disaster, it was too late. Too much time had passed and Nicky told me that Red asked about me and you know how Red is, I didn't want to listen to her complaining about me…I didn't want to feel like I'd disappointed her…and I was still in witness protection, so I kept away and now it's too late…"
"I don't think it's too late. Too late doesn't exist… I know you cared about her. She'll be happy to hear from you…if you still want to, I mean…"
"I- I do miss her, but I don't know… if I'm ready yet…" I don't want to tell her that if she keeps postponing things, she'll never get them done. She has already opened up for me, more then I'll ever thought possible. If I think at the beginning of this week, it all seems so strange and impossible.
"So you didn't even know about the big party that Nicky wants to throw for Red's release? How did you manage to do that? For months I've asked her to change topic just for a second, the last time she was talking about serving prison food, but made by stellar chefs." I make an elegant face palm.
She's smiling, that's good. "Typical Nicky".
"Typical Nicky" I agree. And I add "Did she tell you something about anyone else?"
"No, I asked her not to". It hurts a little bit. How could she? They were her family…I thought she cared…about them, about me… I know that what she's been through is something incredibly traumatic, but she used to care…I know that.
"Do you want to know one thing?" I ask her out of the blue.
Just like before, she takes her sweet time, thinking about it, being conflicted.
"Yes" Her voice is feeble, there's no trace of her usual self-confidence.
I also take my time before delivering what I know for a fact being a great life changing new. "Big Boo sells flowers".
"What the fuck?" She shouts while losing her balance on the water and going underwater for a brief second. When she emerges I'm laughing in her face. With three strokes she reaches me and she settles in the same spot she was five minutes ago, but this time she seems too close.
"Say it again?" her face is full of amused bewilderment.
"Well, Big Boo, AKA Carrie, is now the proud owner of a flower shop in Greenville, North Carolina together with her Italian fiancé Sara"
She laughs from the belly. "Dear God"
"I saw her once, she's got the green plastic apron and all…maybe I still have a picture on my phone, I'll check later"
"Please, please do it". We stay still for a little bit, there's silence between us, but is comfortable.
"By the way, thank you" she says touching my arm underwater with her hand. She's definitely close. Too close. I just smile, I'm unable to speak. I just want this sensation to go away.
Thank god she removes her hand.
"Can I ask you something?" she says. Always too close to me. Why does she have this need to talk to me right now? Shitty timing.
"Yep" I reply because, what am I supposed to say? Please Alex, shut up until I'm as cold as the water?
"Why did you erase the fish tattoo?"
Oh.
"So, you've noticed" I say as I unconsciously touch the back of my neck with my hand. She nods.
"Well, I think you do remember the meaning of it. It was symbolic, a reminder of beauty. But, at the end, I did it because of you. You knew the context, you were the reason behind it. So when I accepted that you weren't a part of my life anymore, I needed to make peace with that. I made a statement of independence. A symbolic one. I erased the thing that I did for someone else, to be able to move on, focusing on me."
She looks at me with an unreadable face.
"And it was kind of ugly" I add. This time her face explodes in a laugh.
"Can I ask you something else?" she tells me as soon as we've stopped laughing.
"Is this a game of 20 questions? Am I allowed to ask you 20 questions too? If that's the case, the answer is yes, I'm in" I answer.
"Kid, have you ever played 20 questions?"
"Well, I think so. Isn't that the game where you ask someone something and that someone is obliged to say the truth?"
"No, that's truth or dare. In 20 questions you keep asking questions until you guess correctly an object"
"Really?" I'm starting to revaluate my younger years.
"Really" I'm really disappointed.
"So, what's the name of the game where you can ask questions and you are obliged to answer the truth, but without dares?"
"There's no game like that. Saying the truth is usually what they call 'education'" I laugh at that. She's fun when she wants to. Fun and smart.
"Ok, let me patent it. I'm gonna call it 'Education aka the game where you get to ask and answer 10 questions telling the truth', wanna play?"
"No thanks, I'll pass" she answers with a grin on her face. But I can't hide my delusion.
"Come on Alex, it will be fun. And you'll get to finally ask me what you wanted to"
"Tempting, but I can easily live without it…and, besides, I'm already telling the truth, so I don't see why we can't go on talking like normal people"
"Duh, you hipsters are no fun" This gets me a push on the shoulder with a smile.
"Soooo, what did you want to ask me?" I tell her after not enough seconds of pause. She laughs.
"I thought you wanted to punish me for not playing your game…"
"Today I'm feeling magnanimous" I say while raising my arms in what I hope it's a royal gesture.
"Well, it's not something that I really need to know. I was just curious to know why you erased the fish but you kept the 'trust no bitch' one" she points her finger at my forearm, but I know very well the placement of that tattoo.
"Well, for two main reasons. First of all, erasing white tattoos is fucking expensive. And secondly, I couldn't physically see the tattoo on my nape, so it was of no use for me. This one, on the other hand…" I raise the arm over the surface of the water "…this bad boy here, well, it's always under my eyes…and it's very useful to be reminded every day of what a crazy idiot I can be. So I learnt to love it. And it's fun, it's not something that you would expect from someone who looks like me…" She bursts into a laugh, again.
"Someone who looks like you? And what exactly do you look like?" She's amazed and I pretend to be offended by her subtle accusation.
"Well, I look like some elegant and sensible young woman. You'll never guess that I'm also a girl who's been in prison and who's not afraid to get her hands dirty. And, by the way, you've just used your third question"
"You're also very much full of crap…Piper Chapman, the badass" She says between laughs. I like it. I like all of it. This is going great. I make a fake offended face.
"Now it's my turn to ask a question, Al…". Now and then I try to sneak some Al or Alex into conversation. She doesn't seem to mind, and that's pretty good, thinking back at the way she screamed at me the first times I tried to use her name. Her real name.
"Shoot"
"Well, why did you choose Martha? It's not a common name…" I want to start with something easy.
"For the song, Martha by Tom Waits. You should know that, it was one of my favorites" Fuck I totally forgot.
"Oh right! And what about the surname, Reed?"
She just looks at me, with both her eyebrows raised. Like I'm supposed to already know the answer. But how am I supposed to know the reason why – Oh.
"Oh. Lou Reed. Fuck, I should have thought of it, damn it"
"That was easy, and a waste of questions…I was expecting something more from you" She's mocking me. I hate it ad I hate myself…that one was easy, fuck.
"You know how I am, I like to start slow. I just wanted to warm you up a little bit, before dropping the hot ones" Oh fuck, did I really say it out loud? I'm starting to lose lucidity. I'm starting to feel overwhelmed and the fact that she's so fucking near is not okay. Definitely not okay. At least she's laughing. Again. I think I'm going to make the water boils.
"Woah, now I'm really scared…Did you really say 'The hot ones'? You speak like a tv presenter from the ninties"
"Shut up" I tell her while I push her shoulder with mine. She loses the balance for a second, before lying her back again against the rocks behind us. We're not moving and the sun on our faces is not enough. Soon we'll feel the frozen water and we'll have to get out of the pool. The spell we're under will probably break, and I don't want that.
"And there goes your forth question. Only six left" I tell her.
"I don't need six questions. Hell, I don't need questions at all. Stop pretending I'm playing this game with you" Her answer is the answer I was expecting. She always has to minimize everything I do and everything we do together. Ok, I get it. But she's smiling and I know the meaning of that smile in her face. It's the predatory one. She's having fun, I'm not delusional.
"Hey, look…" I say, raising my hands over the surface of the water "I'm just doing it for you. I just want you to have something to hit me back with, once I drop the hot ones…I just want to make it an even battle" I empathize 'the hot ones' with my fingers. I've just thrown the bait and she's not stupid, she knows what I'm doing. She can either take the bait, or dismiss this thing once and for all. I surely know what every single cell in my body wants. I don't even want her to ask me questions. Well, I would love to, but not if they are forced. I just like the idea that I can finally have the power to talk with her. The real her. My Alex.
"Like you could possibly make things difficult for me…" She's starting to chew the bait. Good.
"Of course I can. It only depends on whether you are really going to tell me the truth or you're going to lie" I answer.
"I've already told you. I have no problem whatsoever with the truth"
"So, can I go on with my questions?" Pause. Hope.
"Yes, but only because I want to know where you're going with this and because you've just wasted another question on something stupid and I like to see you frustrated".
FUCK. Fuck.
"Fuck". But also YEAH. The game is still on. I just need to be a little more careful and think at least 10 seconds before saying anything. She's laughing at me, but I've still got seven questions, it's more than enough.
"Did you ever read my letters?" Let's start with something easy. I don't look directly at her. She takes her sweet time to answer.
"Yes". Truth. Why would she lie?
I don't know how to feel about it. Am I happy that she read them instead of throwing them away or am I sad that she didn't even think about answering them or, worse, didn't believe the words in them? But I cannot waste another question on this. Can't I?
"Have you ever thought about contacting me in these past years?" This time I look at her. She's looking straight ahead and she's rolling her eyes.
"What a stupid question" she says.
"So just answer it" To me is not that stupid at all.
"Yes, of course" Her voice is quiet, my heart is not. I know that she's no going to say anything more, but it's enough for me. Enough for me to last a lifetime. I can't hide the grin on my face. I try but I can't. It means more to me that I can explain. She have thought of me. Of contacting me. I don't even care to know why she didn't. This is enough. Enough with this stupid useful game. We can stop right here because this is the perfect end. I'm going to tell her that.
"Alex, listen –" She interrupts me. She doesn't let me finish…
"Wait, now it's my turn"
What? She wants to ask me something? How's that possible? What could she possibly… I'm too shocked and curious to talk. I just look at her, probably with the stupidest face that I do possess. "What do… No… How… " I hear her trying to formulate the right question and, fuck, I cannot believe it.
"How do you seem so at ease being here with me? Don't you feel guilty?" Oh, wow. This is… this is straight to the point. I'm feeling a little uneasy even though there are no accusations in her words. But, considering that I do feel guilty, her words hurt, but... With Alex it has always been about the buts. She's a drug dealer, but… She's a girl, but… She put me in prison, but… This is just the umpteenth but in a long line of buts.
I asked her to be honest with me, that's why I need to be honest with her. All cards on desk. Maybe if I don't look directly at her it will be simpler.
"Yes and no. I mean…of course I'm feeling guilty because I'm not telling Martha the truth about who you are and where we are and what we're doing, but… I don't know how to explain it… I've always felt this thing in my heart, like a stone, always there, heavy. And this thing in some way has always created problems for me and, indirectly, for the people around me. So if I get the chance to, I don't know, take it away or easy it somehow, I need to do it. To try it. God Alex, you've always hunted me…"
I look at her with pleading eyes, but all I see is perplexity. "You don't believe me" I say. And it's not a question, it's an affirmation. Finally she speaks.
"It's not that… I think you really believe in what you've said. But how is this…useful? I mean…spending time together? Acting like old friends? How can this thing be helpful?" She says while gesturing between us.
"I don't know Al, I really don't. But at least I'm trying to do something different. I know it sounds stupid, but this may be the last time we see each other…" my hearts breaks a little as I say this "…this may be my last chance to do something for this thing between us that I feel it needs to get closure. So I've just decided to take a day off from everything… from my life, from my responsibilities, from guilt… and just, I don't know, being around you. I don't know if this will help or not, but it's been five years Alex, at least I need to know that I've tried everything"
Her eyes are cold. Colder than the water we're in.
"So you've decided to do what? Wake up tomorrow and pretend that today never happened?"
"No! How could I? I just want to wake up tomorrow feeling better and with the knowledge that today was a parenthesis on my life that I needed to have, in order to try to be better…" How could she not see it? Fuck, it's easy.
"It doesn't sound stupid, it just sounds fucking selfish as usual. You only think about yourself…" Now I'm mad. So much for trying to be calm and friendly.
"How can you say that? How can you possibly know what is best for me? I've told you…this thing doesn't affect only me…"
"Bullshit"
"Bullshit my ass. You don't have a say in my relationship"
"And who's talking about your relationship? I'm talking about me. Do you realize that I'm here, with you, right now? Didn't you think that it would be a nice idea to inform me of what you were planning to do? Something on the lines of 'Hello Alex, I've decided to stalk you and befriend you, but just for today'. You wanted to do what? Using me for your guilt experiment and then? Not following me anymore like a puppy wagging its tail? This is what I call selfish"
WHAT? This is shocking. Unreal. I'm still so mad, but also strangely satisfied. I'm a fucking mess. I just know that I'm feeling. Stuff. A lot.
"Alex…I…how could I ever forget that you're here with me? That's why this is so…How could I know it? You've made it very very clear that you don't want ANYTHING to do with me, so I've just let you choose. What was I supposed to do? I've never pushed you into doing things that you don't want to do. Dear god, I know what happens when someone does that to you. Don't you dare accuse me of something I didn't do. You could have walked away a million times, there's no gun pointed at your head. You can't accuse me just because I've believed your words instead of reading between the lines…How could I know that you were…affected by this?"
She's affected by this. She's affected by this. She's affected by this. I feel like we've been here before. My voice is raising and her eyes are burning.
"I'm not aff-" I look at her with eyes as cold as the colder glacier in Iceland. I swear, if she says again that she's not affected by this, I'll drown her, with my bare hands.
"It was implied! For the same reason you've said. I could have been everywhere else, but I'm here. I think that's enough"
"Implied my ass, Alex. Since Monday you've just confused the hell out of me. First you hate me, then you're friendly, but you're faking it. You help me, you don't talk to me, you kiss me, but you hate me. Then we're here and we were having fun, and talking until you what? Accuse me of having believed your words? Now tell me, what the fuck do I have to think? I'm sorry, but I feel guilty for a lot of things but definitely not for having taken your words for true. What do I have to do? Tell me. I swear on everything you want that I don't want to fight with you. But I just…why are you here Alex? I beg you, tell me…"
I'm shivering. From head to toe. And I have a feeling that it has nothing to do with my body's temperature.
Her voice is lower than normal when she speaks.
"I…I have always told you the truth. And that's the problem because …it changed. When I told you that I didn't want to see you or talk to you, I was honest. I swear to god that until last week my life was perfect and I was good. But now, now it's like you've said before. I feel hunted. Hunted by you and by these things you keep talking about. And I know what I have to do. I have to make a decision, take a side. But I cannot fucking do it. I don't know why I'm here. I just…kept following you. Hoping to find something that would help me decide. Something that would give me a reason to leave. But you're always present, constantly on my back and it doesn't give me the time to get clarity. My fucking brain is exploding" She looks exactly as her words. Conflicted. But in a sick way, I understand her. We're not that different.
"What do you think is happening to mine? I cannot sleep Alex, I …don't function anymore. And the time to figure out how to get out of this is less and less…"
I let the words run out of my mouth. We're not moving. We're not speaking. We're just here. In the freezing water. A few inches between us, but it's like we're on two separate continents. And I'm tired, so tired. I don't see a way out of this.
"What do we do Al?" I break the silence, but I don't look at her.
"I think you run out of questions"
A joke. That's how she answers. A stupid fucking joke. I laugh, but it's a dry laugh.
"I'm tired of thinking" she says.
I can see her head turning in my direction from the corner of my eye. I don't care if she's tired of thinking. I'm more tired than her. I turn my head and I look her in the eyes.
"Then don't".
Shut everything down. That's what I want to do too. So badly. That's what I've tried to do since this morning. I think I've finally manage to do that. I realize that I'm still looking her in the eyes even though my head is somewhere else. I focus on them. They become the only clear thing. The rest of the world is blurred. She doesn't move. I shiver. I lose the balance a little bit. I move my left arm to grab the rocks behind me. It's like she was waiting for it. She's faster than a snake. Her right hand in on my wrist. The hold is strong.
My eyes are back to hers. Do. Not. Think.
We move simultaneously. Our lips crash. We explode simultaneously. I don't know how, I don't know when, but both my arms are around her neck, in her hair and I'm squeezing, hard. Our lips never part and I try to get as close to her as possible. I want to melt with her. Both my legs go around her, she's my only foothold. It's like a dance we've rehearsed many times and we know what to do. We know when we have to change the pace, when to bite, when to open our mouths to let the tongues start to explore. My hands are on her cheeks as I keep covering her with kisses. Delicate ones. Deeper ones. She just lets me do whatever I want because she's doing exactly what I want. No complaints, just pure energy flowing through our bodies and a blissful blank mind. She starts to go down, leaving open kisses on my neck. I instinctively arch my back, unbalancing us. To support me, she leaves her grip on the rocks and she places both her hands on my ass. I fucking moan when she squeezes and I bite away the grin on her face. We start to move towards the center of the pool, where the water is too deep. I'm clinging to her like my whole life depends on this contact. And, in some ways, that's the truth.
I feel the level of the water raising towards my face. I try to disentangle myself from her, but when I attempt to touch the bottom with my feet, I can't. We both sink. We go underwater. I try not to break the contact between us but the water is freezing and I need to breathe, so I leave her lips. I leave the warm of our kisses for the freezing water.
We emerge at the same time. Thank god there's no need to talk. Our smiles are enough. I swim again towards the shore. I need to have ground beneath my feet. I go where the water is knee-deep. I want to get out but a hand on my wrist stops me again. I turn around.
"But I want to get out!" I complain with a big smile. I don't want her to think I'm running away. I just want to be more comfortable.
She just takes my hand and leads me towards another side of the pool, where the water is only 10 inches deep.
"But I like it here. Sit" she orders. And who am I to complain? As soon as I'm sat, she kneels between my legs and she starts to kiss me again. I'm more than happy to kiss her back. Adrenaline pumps into my veins. I think I could die. I want more.
My hand finally finds her boob, and I squeeze. I feel her smile on my lips. Fuck, finally. But it's not enough. The hot tongue in my mouth, my hand on her breast. Still not enough.
I lower her bra, I want direct contact. When my fingers close on her nipple, it's like all the pieces of the puzzle finally come together. It's even better than I remember. Her hands are touching my body everywhere, but I'm so focused on her. Her moans just make everything better, or worse, it depends on the point of view.
I break the kiss because I want to suck her nipples, but before I manage to do so, I can feel her open hand pressing between my legs. I'm so aroused that I could explode. I stop to look at her. In her eyes there's pure lust and passion. The same things that I think are in my eyes.
Her hand doesn't move. It's there just to make a statement. A pretty clear statement. I take that hand and I remove it. I raise on my feet and, without leaving her hand, I pull it so she can raise too. She follows my lead this time and I bring her finally out of the water. It's not the most comfortable thing to do, laying in a bikini on the grass, but this will do. I just want to fuck her so badly. I lay down and in a second she's above me and she pushes down. Every inch of our body is in contact and I thank god for gravity.
Both her boobs are still out of the bra and this time nothing prevents me to take one nipple in my mouth. One hand on the ground to support me and the other goes straight between her legs, to mimic the same thing her hand is doing on my pussy.
I don't know how long I can go like this.
I feel the need to kiss her again. I leave everything and I caress her face while my tongues slips inside her mouth again.
I can focus on her hand on my pussy. She's finally going inside the panties of my bikini. The skin to skin contact in enough for me to moan. I don't even care anymore. Her breathe is getting fast. That's enough for me.
"Piper"
It's not her voice.
"Piper"
Again. Not her voice.
We stop everything. I can see the look on her face. Total panic. It's like someone has directly punched my heart.
Fuck.
AN: And so…that's it folks. Almost two years of slow burn and finally some action… As Piper, I feel guilty too. I've made you wait for so long. I really hope you've liked it. With all my heart. I'm feeling a little insecure about it so… please…let me know what you think. I always read everything you write and I cannot thank you enough for every word you send to me. And about the cliff-hanger…well…what do you think? I've left some clues about where everything is going ;)
As always, I hope to be back soon-ish! XOXO