Disclaimer: See last chapter
~ Chapter Twenty ~
"Please cover me I'm so cold. Please understand me, I'm all alone."
~ Sonny ~
I wake up shaking and sweating, I cling to the covers around me and pull them up further. I wipe away the tears falling down my face and try to close my eyes and forget it all. It's been a week already and I still can't settle in. I look around the empty, lonely room and try and forget the nightmare that is my life. Sighing, I curl up in a tight ball and try to think of nice things, good things, Chad comes to mind. I close my eyes and picture him in my head, he is the one who is going to get me through this. He is the one who is going to be able to make me okay. I tighten my grip on the covers, trying to stop myself from shaking, trying to make the constant, numbing cold go away. A whole week in this place, I had hardly left my bedroom, I couldn't. I was too scared to meet other people like me, it was different with Tawni, she was different in a way. We both had an eating disorder, we both felt the same but we have different ways of dealing with it. It was easier to be with her than those like me, it seemed like they could know how I thought, they were like me and it scared me. I shook the thought off, I didn't have to go with them till I was ready, I don't think I will ever be ready.
"Are you going to eat today Allison?" The nurse says as she walks in with my breakfast tray, I sit up and shrug,
"Don't feel like it." She tutted and then walked back out, leaving the tray behind. I sighed and then looked at all the food on it, I was so tempted to just binge on it right now, nobody loved me. Dad refused to come and see me, mum didn't say that though - She told me he wasn't allowed time off work, but he wanted to. I would have believed her if he answered my calls, if he called me or if he just gave her a message from him. But I had nothing, I meant nothing to him.
I stared at the butter dripping off the now cold toast, the sugar filled cereal, with the fattening milk. I looked at the small fruit bowl they had given me, chopped up apples, sliced banana, 10 grapes and some kiwi. I shook my head, I wasn't going to let myself eat because then everyone would win and I would lose. I wouldn't be able to stop, I wouldn't be able to control myself anymore. I went up to the tray and picked it up for a second, then I chucked it against the wall with all the strength I could get in my small body. I smiled when I saw it all drip down the walls, and I smiled when the Doctors and Nurses came running in to see what the loud crash was. I just shook my head at them and got into bed,
"Go get Doctor Winters now!" She was my Doctor, she thought she could help me, but I never listened to her. She was pretty but there was something strange about her, something telling me she was hurting as well. Maybe not in the same way but there was something there.
"Sonny." I heard her voice after a while of silence, apart from the sound of a Nurse complaining about how she had to do all the dirty work around here. I sat up from my place on the bed and looked at her,
"What?" I muttered, she shook her head and then sat down on the edge of the bed,
"You need to eat." I shook my head,
"I don't need to, you just want me to." I said, she just looked at me and then sighed,
"I do want you to, yes, but I also need you to. You're doing more damage than good Sonny." I shrugged,
"Do you know what is going to happen if you carry on like this?" I shook my head,
"We are going to put you on a feeding tube." I looked down and shook my head as I felt the tears fall down my face,
"We don't want to do that to you, but we can and we will." She said, I just shook my head again and kept my head down. I didn't say anything, I couldn't say anything. I didn't know what to say to that, I didn't want to be put on a tube but I know I couldn't do anything about it if I were to be put on one. I just didn't want to get fat. I sighed and then wiped the tears from my face, I looked up at her and examined her face. She seemed like she cared, but she still kept the distance between us. She looked sad, but she looked content at the same time. She was happy with her job, I could see that, but she was still sad. I shook the thoughts off, I didn't want to get involved with someone who was just trying to make me fat. She got up off the bed,
"Come on, we have to start working on the psychological factors." I nodded and slowly got off my bed, I walked after her. She turned around,
"Do you need a wheelchair?" I shook my head and she carried on walking.
We came to a stop at a door, not far from my room and she entered it, I went in after her and looked around. It was different to my bedroom, bigger for starters. There was a large mirror on one wall, another wall had a large notepad on it. I wondered what it was for, I just shrugged to myself and looked at all the exercise equipment on the other side of the room.
"I need you to step on the scales Sonny." Dr Winters said, pulling me out of my thoughts, I nodded and then went to step on them as I normally did but she shook her head,
"Backwards." I sighed,
"Why?"
"So you don't know how much you weigh." I rolled my eyes and stepped on them backwards, staring at her face as she looked at the numbers. I wonder what they say, I wrinkled my nose and stepped back off when she asked me to. I walked around the room, burning extra calories without her even noticing.
"What do you normally eat?" She suddenly says, I look at her and shrug,
"I don't know.. why?"
"I need to know." I sigh,
"Its different every day."
"Well tell me the usual days." I nod and then look around the room once more,
"An apple for breakfast, nothing for lunch or maybe a cracker. And then some salad or fruit for tea." She nodded at me,
"And whats your ideal weight?" I thought for a moment,
"I don't know.. 75lbs." She nods and writes this down, I look at her,
"You weigh less than that." I shake my head,
"I don't look it." I sigh and then start moving around again,
"You should be 125lbs at your height." I laugh and then turn around to look at her, catching my reflection in the mirror I had been trying to avoid,
"No way. You are not going to make me gain everything I have lost back. There is no way." I hissed at her, I was not going to get fat again, nothing she could say or do was going to change that.
"You're not going to get fat." She walked over to me but I shook my head,
"Look.. we are different. You can eat without getting fat.. I can't. If I eat I get fat. End of story." I let a tear fall down my face as I thought about it. I wish I could eat, I wish I was thin.
"Come over here." She started to walk towards the big notepad I had been looking at earlier,
"I want you to write down everything you feel." She hands me a pen and I look at her confused,
"I will be over here.. Write what you want." I nod and then take the pen in my shaking hand. I look at the paper and think for a moment. When I start to write, I can't stop. All these feelings wash over me, and tell me that I am worthless and stupid. I don't know why I am writing it all down, I don't want her to know how I really feel but I don't want to let Doctor Winters down either. I don't want her to think I am stupid or something. I step back when I am done and look at all the words, I smile, satisfied with my own work and turn towards Doctor Winters. She smiles at me and stands up,
"Well done."
"Why did I have to do that?"
"I have to know how you feel sometimes Sonny. If I understand that then maybe I can start to understand why you do this to yourself." I nod,
"I guess that makes sense..."
"Now one more thing, I want you to look into that mirror and tell me what you see." I shake my head,
"Don't make me look in there." I whisper, I refuse to look at the large mirror to the side of me, I don't want to know how fat I am, I really can't take this.
"It's okay Sonny, we are going to work on the image you see. Trust me." I nod and then start to walk towards the mirror, the thing of my nightmares. I see myself there and I start to shake, the Doctor puts her hand on my shoulder and smiles kindly at me.
"Now tell me what you see." I look at myself and shrug,
"I don't know.. fat thighs." I point to my thighs and then at my stomach,
"A bulging stomach..." I go through everything that is wrong with me, everything that I can't change about myself no matter what I do. She just shakes her head when she is done,
"In the mind of anorexics, the mirror changes, have you ever seen one of those mirrors that distorts your image?" I nod and then look at her, turning myself away from the mirror, but she turns me back,
"Thats what your mind is doing to you. It is changing how you see things, and we have to work on changing it back to the way you used to see it all. We have to make sure you see the truth once again." I look at her confused,
"So.. you're saying that what I am looking at right now isn't real?"
"To you it is, but it's not the truth. It's not what you really look like," I nod and then look down, I feel tired already and we haven't done much. She smiles at me and then goes to pick up her stuff,
"Lets get you back to your room." I nod and then follow her out of the room. I keep my head down all the way back to my room, making sure nobody notices me, making sure that I am not seen, that way is better. I don't want to get to know people in here, it will be too hard if something happens.
I say goodbye to Doctor Winters when she leaves me alone in my room and I climb into my bed. I look up at the ceiling and think to myself what life would be like without this thing holding me back. I close my eyes and try to think about something else, something that could make me happy.
- - - - - -
"She is still refusing to eat Munroe." I am sitting inside my bedroom, listening to my mum argue with the Doctors outside. She won't let them do this to me, she won't. I shake my head and think to myself while I hear her shouting at them, she didn't want this for me. She doesn't want to see me tubed, I don't want her or Chad to see me like this. I am sitting on the edge of my bed with my head down, trying to ignore the shouting, trying to focus on the food splattered on the floor. I smile to myself, they shouldn't give it to me. They know it's not going to end up in my mouth.
"Sonny.." I snap my head up as I hear the door open and my mums voice. I smile at her and hug her when she puts her arms around me,
"You have to start eating." She says, I nod slowly,
"I know.. I just can't. Let me come home with you mummy." I whisper,
"I will be okay there, I can't be in here for any longer. I ain't strong enough." I admitted, she shook her head and looked down at the floor,
"You have to stay here, for your own good." I just shake my head and then lay back on my bed.
"I ain't going to eat. They are wasting their time."
"They will put you on a feeding tube then, is that what you want?" She stands up and slams her hand on the bed, I jump a little but try to show no emotion as I don't answer her. I turn to the other side of the room as I hear her pull up a chair. The door opens again and she thanks someone, I look back around and see her holding up another tray of food. I laugh at her and shake my head,
"No way." I turn my head back to the other side, but turn around when she doesn't answer. She is just sitting there staring at the food, I see a tear fall down her face and in that one moment I realize the damage I have done to her. I shake my head and then turn to look at her,
"I am sorry for being this way. If I could stop it all from happening I would." She looks up and nods,
"It's not your fault, I just wish you could try." I nod,
"Me too." I sigh.
"If you don't eat... then I will ban you from using the phone."
"I have nobody to phone." I say as I accept the challenge she is giving me, she sighs and then pauses for a moment
"Tawni? Chad?" I shake my head,
"I don't need to phone them." I try to sound like I don't care, but the truth is I care too much. I love my phone conversations with Chad, I love hearing his voice but if I had to accept it as a punishment then I would. I hear her sigh and I turn to the other side. And then I hear the door slam...
- - - - - - -
"Mummy! No! Please don't let them do this! Help me!" I scream, there are three nurses and two doctors - one of them being Doctor Winters, I cry out in fear and panic as they try and pin me down, I won't let them do this to me. I won't let this happen. I shake my head and scream when they try to stick the tube up my nose, I won't let them. I can't let them win. I watch as my mum cries in the corner of the room, she doesn't want this to happen, but she is letting them anyway. I need her to save me, I want her to help me. I let out one more scream and kick before I feel a needle pierce into my arm, I look at Doctor Winters who starts to push back my hair from my face and tell me that it will be okay. I shake my head as I feel darkness wash over me. I was going to get fat, they were going to put fat into my body and I couldn't do anything about it. Finally the darkness took over and I was nowhere. I was alone, a feeling I was starting to get used to.
- - - - - -
When I woke up just a few hours later, I felt for the tube up my nose - It was there, I was so tempted to rip it out. I wanted to so badly, but then I saw the person sitting by my bed. I looked at him and then moved my hand which he had placed in his when I was asleep. He jumped up and then smiled when he saw I was awake. I tried to smile at him but tears fell from my eyes instead, he shook his head and then stood up, kissing me on the cheek,
"I love you." He whispered, I nodded. I couldn't speak, it hurt too much. I want to die, but I wanted to live as well. I wanted to be thin, but I wanted to be happy. I wanted to eat but I wanted to be in control. I wanted to be normal, but I was everything except normal. I always wanted what I couldn't have. I started to shake, out of panic and fear. Chad just shook his head and wrapped my covers tightly around me,
"It will be okay, I promise you." I nod and start to calm down a little,
"I am always going to be here, I will never leave you. You are going to get better, and then we are going to be happy together, forever." I stared up at his dreamy eyes and squeezed his hand. I loved him so much, I wanted to be better for him.
"I am going to help you through this. I am going to be here every step of the way, I will always be just a phone call away." He said, I nodded as I closed my eyes again. I was so tired, I felt him grip my hand a little tighter and then nothing. I was back to my lonely world again, I was back to what I was used to.