Chapter 20: Careful

RPOV

~*~
Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one
~*~

As soon as he realized I was sobbing, he quickly turned me around and held me close against his warm chest, where his heart still thumped furiously, and he whispered in my hair:

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Rose."

"It's okay," I managed to choke.

"No, it's not. I should have known. I should have known this would hurt you."

I could almost hear his heart breaking over what he thought he did to me.

I pulled back a little and pressed my forehead against his, forcing him to look me in the eye and said:

"You didn't hurt me. Trust me."

"But then why are you crying?" his eyes looked agonized.

"I don't know. But what you just did… it was wonderful. Everything about you is wonderful. And that scares me."

"I know it scares you. But you usually run. Not break down. So I don't think that's it."

"What can I say Jake? I really don't know why."

"Okay," he said, and tucked my head against his neck while he stroked my hair and my back. His warm skin and steadying breath calmed me down until I felt positively drowsy. Still shaken about what just happened. It wasn't just sex. It was something major. Like the earth and sky moving.

Like realizing something I wasn't ready for.

"Are you better?" he asked me, now my body wasn't shuddering with sobs anymore.

"Hmm, I'm good," I smiled lazily. "I need to tease you some more if that's how you react."

"Yeah well, you always had your way to bring out the worst in me."

"The worst? Man, that was like the best."

I couldn't see his smile but he pulled me a little tighter against him. How can I be so terrified and feel so safe at the same time?

"I've been dying to make you come," he said proudly, "but you never let me."

"To me it's more important that you enjoy."

"But that's not fair."

"I'm okay with that."

"I mean not fair on me. This is like the best feeling ever. And I want more."

"Do I need to be glad or scared now?"

He didn't answer and as I looked at him, he seemed deep into thought.

"What are you thinking?"

"With Emmett you come over and over again. And you don't cry."

Crap. I knew that my revenge plan would end up biting me in the ass.

"It's different with him."

He snorted and loosened his grip on me.

"I mean that in a good way," I quickly added, but I knew he wouldn't be able to understand.

"Sure sure."

"Listen, let me try to explain."

"Nah, no need to. Wanna go swimming?"

He started to get up, but I was too vulnerable now to have him bail out on me, so I gazed into his eyes and tried to plead him to stay close. That he understood. He sighed deeply and closed his eyes.

"Look Rose, I'm jealous okay. I don't want to hear about Emmett. Not now."

"You brought it up," I said, ignoring how happy it made me to hear him say he was jealous. I didn't want to be that evil. I'm not Bella. I wanted to be the opposite, shield him from any pain.

"My mistake."

"Well it's been said, so now I'm explaining."

"I'm listening," he said reluctantly, expecting not to like what he'll hear. And he might be right, he might not like it. But I've been so completely honest with him ever since he knew my secret, so I'll be honest with him about this as well. Even though I might regret it so much tomorrow. He needed to know. He made wrong conclusions.

Because I stayed silent too long, he opened one eye to look at me, and that looked so adorable that I bent over and kissed his cheek. He couldn't help but smile a little and then said, in a warmer voice.

"Tell me Rose. Why is Emmett making you scream more a good thing for me?"

"Give me time to work this out okay, because I don't really understand myself. You know how my relationship with Emmett works, this open relationship, we both know is temporary?"

Jake nodded and I absently stroked his messy hair, sticky with sweat. I think I tried to calm him down.

"With him, I know where I stand, where we both stand. We love each other, in a way, but not in every way. And it's enough. For me at least. I've got no heart to give, and he doesn't ask. So we're like buddies that come back every night to sleep with each other."

"Rose," he said as if I was hurting him even more now "get to your point?"

He really was jealous, I thought with a stab of pain, mixed with more bubbles in my stomach.

"Getting there. So you remember this whole control theory you brought up, of me using sex to gain power?"

"Hmmm."

"With Emmett I don't need that. I'm in control of my thoughts, and my feelings. Sex is just sex. I don't mind giving in. At first I did, but not anymore."

I waited for him to say something, but he stayed silent. Waiting.

"With you, you're something else," I breathed, and he opened his eyes to look at me. I kept stroking his hair and gazed back into his brown eyes.

I took another deep breath and then continued "With you I'm not in control at all."

He opened his mouth to interrupt, probably to tell me that I controlled him all the time, but I put my finger on his lips.

"Over myself," I finished the sentence. "It's been like this since the start. Ever since you were still an annoying little puppy."

His lips smiled under my finger and I resisted the urge to kiss them.

"The way I acted around you, I didn't understand. Nobody did. And then how I opened up to you. And still do." I shook my head "I just can't wrap my mind around it. It's not me. And on the other hand it's more me than I ever was. With you of all people."

He must wonder what all this had to do with the sex part, but he kept quiet, listening to my admissions.

"And then you go and be my friend. I never thought I would fall for anybody ever again. And all of the sudden I did. I'm falling for you Jacob."

I watched his face intently, looking for a sign of panic. His heart started beating faster, but his eyes watched me affectionately, so I don't think I freaked him out yet.

"And it scares the crap out of me. I feel like my heart is in your teeth, while I didn't even knew I had one. Around you I'm not in control of anything. Except sex..."

His eyes widened and he understood. I knew he did.

"And now I made you surrender, you're more terrified than ever?"

I smiled in relief. He pulled me closer to him again and whispered in my ear:

"I'll be careful with you Rose. I won't let you break. And for what it's worth, I'm falling for you too."

My stomach made all sorts of back flips, but the only way he could tell was by my stuttering voice.

"We can't fall, Jacob. We'll hurt each other."

"No we won't. We'll both be careful."

I let him hold me and I wanted to believe this so bad.

But I knew it wasn't true. We would both end up breaking the other.

We were both damaged goods, willing to believe we could heal the other, but that wasn't possible. Our personalities would crash into each other, like they always have.

And now my feelings were out in the open, one snap of his fingers could pulverize me. Terrified doesn't even begin to describe.

But then his soft lips kiss mine, and his hands are in my hair, keeping my face close, and I feel safe too.

AN: She's complicated. I hope you understood what she meant...