Lots of people told me I broke their heart, and all that. Uhm. Sorry. I think.
Okay, here you go next chapter. Lots of stuff gets brought up.
Shout out to LavMenace because she's awesome if you like Lynn/Marlene I suggest you go read her story Lynn's Outing. Not for those under 18.
I pull my face away from Mitch's shoulder. She smiles at me, I tear my eyes away from her. "I'm sorry." I whisper, my throat sore from crying.
"Stay." She gets up and I watch her walk to the bathroom to grab a rag. "Your face is a mess. What happened?"
"Four, he- he." A sob escapes my mouth and my mind flashes back at how he pushed my face against Max's desk. I grab the rag and wipe at my face, I deserved that. I broke his heart. "Nothing." I say after a while and I swear Mitch's face darkens.
I lie back on the couch that serves as the guest bed. I hear her sigh then the couch springs groan as she stands up. I keep my eyes closed until her door shuts. Tears burn hot against my cheeks.
"Do you want me or Jay to walk you to the bakery?" Mitch asks over a pan of scrambled eggs. I shake my head.
I walk down the sidewalk, maybe Max would let me call Christina or my mother on his phone. I walk into Max's office and he looks at me over a file.
"Good morning!" He smiles and Marlene turns from the chair in front of the desk.
"Oh I can come back." I walk away from the door and lean against the wall. The shop opens in fifteen minutes so everyone is scurrying around to set things up. I know that Max has Tori, Lauren, Marlene, and Myra working here. Sometimes Bud or Harrison help. Myra walks over to me.
"Hi, Beatrice. Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." I shiver.
"I may not seem like it but I'm really smart, and I can tell that you're not fine." She leans down, "I'm here and so is Eddie if you ever need us." She flits off towards the counter.
Tori passes by, not giving me a glance, she walks through Max's door. The bell on the door rings and Four and Eric walk in laughing. I press myself against the wall, I stare away from the door. I see Tori come out of the room with Marlene.
My eyes flick towards the doors and Four is staring at me, he smirks before looking at Eric. He whispers something pointing in my direction. Four passes by me before stopping and looking at me. His lips brush my ear.
"You know you left something on that desk last night other than all the files."
"What." I can't whisper.
"Not only claw marks but your dignity. You can stop the kicked puppy act." He walks away and I hug myself. I push past Marlene and Tori, Max is walking out and I walk past him to the room across from his office. I shut and lock the door behind me.
I grab the phone off the table and sit in the corner. I dial a familiar number.
"Hello?"
I sob. "'Stina!"
"Tris? Tris are you okay?" She sounds worried. Why is she worried I'm the horrible person.
"I'm such an awful person." I sob again.
"How- not now mommy is talking to Aunt Bea." I wipe at my eyes. "Tris! What is going on."
"Every hates me and they should, I'm an awful person! Why do you even like me? I hurt people. I killed Al! I hurt Four!" I can't stop the tears. "I'm an awful person, I'm the reason your mother's flower shop got burned down, and your dog killed! I'm the reason why Abilene died, and why Daniel was put in the hospital that month in nineteen-seventy!
"Don't tell me I'm not because I am! I'm the reason Will lost his job! And the reason you have to work two jobs and couldn't continue with college!" I lie on my side, tears blurring my vision. "It's my fault. All my fault."
"Beatrice!" I hear Christina yell and I cover my face.
"I can't do this here at all. Part of me thinks hoping on a bus and going back home would be better. But I'd still be the awful person that I am, like a curse. Sometimes I feel like getting up in the middle of the night and walking anywhere. Not caring what happens to me.
"Beatrice!" Christina yells again.
"It's my fault Ray did what he did. He was right, I was his. I shouldn't have wanted something back that I fucked up. I shouldn't have called off our engagement." I think I see a shadow pass under the door. "I deserved Ray hitting me, the first time. All the times after. We would have been happy if I was just pregnant and we got married like we planned to so the baby wasn't a bastard. He would have stayed nice to me. You probably think I'm a freak.
"I was at this party the other night," I laugh. "Four hates me, I could tell at the party but I didn't stop, I still hoped and I shouldn't have. I should have known how bad of a person I am. He couldn't even kiss me or look at me when we had sex last night. I'm such a fuck up. But I was at this party and this man there. Clark, he's half Italian and even though I like Polak mutts more than anything." I start laughing harder. "He was going to give me this thing and it was suppose to make me happy. It was in a syringe. And I want it so much right now. I want to be happy and forget how horrible I am. I think I'm going to go get it. Bye Christina." I hang the phone up and wipe at my face.
I open the door and Tori is standing on the other side, eyes wide. I lick my lips and slip past her. I pull Max's sleeve.
"I'm not feeling so well to work today." I walk out the front door and take off running not caring what they say. I need to find Clark and be happy. I follow the route that I remember Mitch and I took to his house. I knock on the front door and sleepy brown-green eyes look at me before Clark's face bursts into a smile. "Are you busy?"
"No why?" He lets me in and I smile.
"I want to be happy, and fun!" I run my hands through my hair. "I'll give anything to be happy."
He smiles and pulls me close. "Right this way, il mio nuovo giocattolo." I follow him down the hall to his room, he pats the bed and I sit down. "You want to be happy? Such a beautiful girl like you. Why are you down?"
"I'm an awful person, and I want to forget that for a while." I wonder if he can tell how horrible of a person I am. If he knows that I ruined the lives of all my friends.
Clark tilts my head up, "I won't ask for much." I nod and he leans close and smells my neck. "Now stay here while I go get you something."
I take my sandals and jacket off, I look around the room, it looks so much smaller now that there isn't a horde of people. I get up and walk into the living room. A hand touches the small of my back and I turn slightly.
"I told you to stay." Clark leans in close. He has a glass of water in one hand, "say 'ahh!', bello." I open my mouth and he places something on my tongue before handing me the glass. "This is something that will be present for the next party, you get to be the first tester."
"Will it make me happy?" I ask after I swallow.
"Happier than you've ever felt." He takes my hand and leads me to his bed room, my head spins and I stumble after him. "Vieni a letto, bello."
"What?" I tilt my head.
He turns to smile at me. "Come to bed, my love."
I trip through his doorway, Tobias' hand comes up to catch me. "Easy there."
"Sorry," I sit on the bed smiling, Tobias reaches behind him and pulls his shirt over his head. He tosses it in the corner before joining me on the bed. I grab for him, I cup his face.
"Will you let me kiss you this time?"
"I'd let you kiss me anytime." Lips press against mine. Behind my closed eyelids I can see his blue eyes. I know he's not there but when I open my eyes. Tobias smiles at me like he use to, his hands make quick work of removing my top and my jeans. I reach my hands out to touch him and he grabs my wrists.
"No you keep them down." I frown, Tobias always lets me touch him. Always.
"Why? Why can't I touch you?" Tobias pushes me back against the bed, my bra and underwear are gone and I lean up to kiss his lips. My breathing becomes erratic. I close my eyes, my heart is pounding. My legs are spread and he slides home. His hands are everywhere, grabbing me.
I moan, Tobais' hands come back up to hold mine. His hips rock against mine. "Tobias." I moan out and I hear him chuckle, that noise is wrong. It's not something Tobias would make. I open my eyes and Tobias is hovering above me.
He grabs both of my hands in one of his before bringing his other hand down around my throat. He cuts off the air to my lungs and I want to scream but can't. Why is he doing this to me? I thought we were getting better since he let me kiss him. Spots appear before my vision and I kick a leg out. Can't Tobias see that I can't breathe?
My vision gets blurry around the edges and the face I see isn't Tobias' it's not it's warped and twisted. The hand leaves my throat and I gasp for breath. I start screaming, and hitting the body above mine. The body moves and I'm still screaming. I roll off the bed and onto the ground something crashes and I scramble to my hands and knees. My hands sting.
I grab my panties and put them on I grab my jacket and clutch it to my chest. I run down the hall and trip over my own feet. I hit the floor and I taste salt and copper.
"What are you doing?" The person behind me is shouting at me. I kick a foot out and it connects with something. I clamber to my feet and run out the door, I put my arms through my jacket and keep it closed tight.
It's bright out and more people are looking at me, some are disfigured. Probably from the war like Will. Some are looking at me like I'm the dirt beneath their shoes, they know that I'm horrible. They know what I did to Tobias, what I did to Ray. I run down an alleyway and fall again, my legs seemed to stop working. I make it to my hands and knees and throw up on the pavement. My hands are bleeding and I look at them, how did I cut them? I just wanted to be happy, I start crying.
"Ma'am. Are you okay?" I look up and a man is standing there, staring at me.
I stare back at my hands then hold them up. "I want to go home, but I can't. I wanted to be happy but I can't. I'm lost do you know where Dauntless Goods is? I know the owner, Max," I hiccup.
"Sir!" I hear the man shout and I'm lifted up. Everything is so bright then it goes dark and I realise I'm in the back of a car. A man, probably about mid-forties looks at me. I stare back then I sob.
"I'm sorry! I'm getting blood and puke all over your car!" A hand rubs my back.
"It's alright. So you know Max?" The man's voice is gruff.
"I know all of them. I don't want anyone but Max to see me. Because anyone else would tell Four and Four already hates me. He already thinks I'm weak. I just wanted him to love me again. And he wouldn't." I cover my face and my hands sting.
"Sir?"
"Let's just go back, she needs cleaned up and I need to make some calls. What is your name?"
"Beatrice," I say after a while, the hand on my back is still moving in circles.
The man beside me puts a hand on my forehead. "Do you remember what you took?"
I sake my head. "He gave it to me, said something about a party and there was Italian. And he told me it would make me happy, I don't feel happy. I'll never be happy. I don't understand I was with Four and he was there but he was so mean. You can't tell him okay? I love him too much to hurt him again."
"Okay, you're going to be fine."
I want to close my eyes but I can't because behind them I see the warped faces, the car lurches and I lean my head over the seat and throw up again. I start crying out 'I'm sorry' on repeat.
I groan, my body aches. I'm sitting in a chair on the opposite side of a desk. A woman had cleaned me and dressed me in a dress that was too big. It hung off my shoulders. The man was named Emilio and the woman, his wife, Liana. He was kneeling beside me bandaging my hands. I had managed to cut them pretty badly.
Liana comes in carrying a tray, her dark hair is pulled into a knot. "Here you go, cara. Ti fanno sentire meglio."
"Thank you." She grabs the glass and lifts it to my mouth, I take a drink. On the tray are some fruits.
"Have to keep you fed and healthy!" The doorbell rings and she smiles. "I shall go get that."
Emilio stands up, patting my hair. His kind look is replaced with a stern glare as foot steps fall on the stairs.
"Sir, you called us." I can't see around Emilio's back as he blocks my view but I know that voice it's Eric.
"Eric," the man nods. "Where is, ah Four!"
"Sir." My insides shift and I feel sick. I reach for my glass of water, throat dry and my hand shakes, my fingers spasm and water spills down my front and the glass crashes to the floor, shattering. The man in front of me turns, and tears poor down my cheeks. I just wanted to be happy.
"Non piangere cara, acqua appena versato." Emilio kneels down beside me and takes one of my hands between his. "Come now, Liana will get you a new dress."
I start to stand up and Emilio shakes his head. "Nico!" The man who found me pulls himself from the window. He lifts me easily into his arms. "Take her to Liana, I'm worried about her going down the stairs on her own."
"Sir." I keep my eyes trained on the floor, I will not look at Tobias. Stop that he is Four.
"Oh tesoro!" Liana sighs as I'm sat on the bed. "I think she shouldn't go home like this. I will talk to Emilio. You should stay here until you are all better. There's garden and books! Oh books!" I stare at my reflection for the first time in the mirror. I have circles under my eyes that are blood shot, there are finger shaped bruises on my throat. They're there on my wrists too.
"Well this should fit. Maybe may be too big here." She pinches the bosom area. "I could fix these dresses for you, Emilio could buy you your own! Oh you'll be even prettier. And if you stayed here I'd have someone to talk to." The dress she puts on me is white. The sleeves are too long and hang off my wrists the shoulders are too wide and slide down my arms. She ties the strings in the back together so it doesn't fall down. It reaches my knees.
"This was my honeymoon dress. Doesn't fit me anymore, but look at you!" She claps once.
Liana walks with me up the stairs, I trip and fall once, banging my shin on one of the steps. We make it to the door and there's yelling.
"...have I taught you nothing?"
"Must you be so loud?" Liana walks me through the door, "doesn't she look beautiful? I was thinking that she could stay here with me. Keep me company while you have your thing."
"Absolutely not." Four looks at me. "She is getting on a bus and going back to Rockford."
"I want to stay here." I whisper.
"Why?" Four hisses.
"There's nothing for me at Rockford." I stand my ground, he may hate me but he can't hate me as much as I hate myself. How I ruined everyone's lives there.
"Your friends and family live there." Eric's eyes move from Four to me and back to him. At the same time Four grits his teeth and hisses. "There's nothing for you here, nobody wants you here." My mouth drops and I reach up. I don't know what's hurting most right now. Four' cheek or my hand.
"A friend who lost his job because of me, his wife had to take two jobs and quit school. A wife with two kids and he just came back from the war missing an arm. A friend who killed himself because I did not return his feelings. A friend who moved away with her boyfriend, who died in the same war. A brother who moved away to be with his now wife and their daughter. A mother and a father who took on two little kids and an old lady instead of enjoying their peace I kept bringing home trouble."
I sob, my hands are clenched so tight that the cuts on my palms and fingers burn. "Because for a good year instead of focusing on my studies, I lost my scholarship to Chicago because-," I press a hand against my mouth and shake my head. "I want to go back to Mitch's."
Emilio nods, "I see putting you two in a car by yourself is dangerous. Nico, will you drive, Bice home please." He walks over and cups my face. "You can come back here anytime, spend time with Liana. Just call." He kisses my forehead and I let Nico pull me out of the room.
"Beatrice!" Mitch opens the door looking at me. She looks warily at Nico over my shoulder. "What's going on?"
"I'm tired and I'd like to go to bed." I lie on the couch and Mitch sits on the floor next to me, she runs her hand through my hair. I close my eyes and try not to think. "Do you think I'm a horrible person?"
"No."
"Even if I told you I killed an old woman and put her grandson in the hospital?" I roll over to face her.
"Accidents happen."
"It was February fifteenth nineteen-seventy. I was asleep, she, the old woman, had another stroke. Her eldest grandson was only thirteen at the time. He was driving her to the hospital and lost control of the car. He was in the hospital for a month she died instantly." I close my eyes. "I was so worried because the draft and Will had just gone and I wondered if Four had volunteered like my friend Jason. So I called around and someone found his number for me. I called it and a woman answered, I asked if Four was around and she said he's sleeping."
"Hang up and call back?"
"No, I asked her who she was. Not in a jealous way. Just I was curious. I said I was a friend and I hadn't seen him in a while that I worried about him. She told me she was taking good care of him and said. 'Aren't I baby? Someone's on the phone for you.' There was kissing and I had no right to be jealous I let him go. He talked to me without knowing it. He said 'Hello' and I hung up. Because it was him. I was going to beg him to forgive me."
"What did you do?" I open my eyes and look at Mitch.
"I took the sleeping medicine given to me by the doctor, I hadn't been sleeping well since the war and it made me think of Albert, plus guilt for what I did with Tobias. I also was doing so bad with my classes because of lack of sleep." My lower lip wobbles. "I think that's why Four hates me, he can tell I've done bad things. That's why he wouldn't kiss me last night. I thought maybe today we'd talk when I went into that bakery. But he told me I lost my dignity." My fingers brush the bruises on my neck.
"Do you need me to get you anything?" Mitch stands up and I shake my head.
"I've had a long day, I'm sure I could sleep on my own." I pull the blanket up and shut my eyes.
"Beatrice, you're a good person don't let anyone tell you you're not. Everyone makes mistakes, it's a part of life. Trust me I've hurt people too. I'm sure Tobias has done the same. You're human and it happens." Mitch whispers.
I startle awake when there's a crash in the kitchen. Mitch frowns.
"Well shit, that's broke."
"What is?" I rub sleep from my eyes.
"This pan, the handle said fuck you and detached itself from the skillet." She rolls her eye. Breakfast will be done shortly.
I use the bathroom. I look at my puffy face in the mirror, my matted hair. I see Mitch's clippers sitting on the sink and I grab them.
"So I decided to make omlettes. That skillet really pissed me off." She looks at me. "What did you do?"
"Does it look bad?" I run a hand over my buzzed head.
"No it just looks different. On you. It... you look different." Mitch furrows her brow. "Why the hair cut?"
"I don't know," I grab my plate. "I want to start over, yesterday really just kicked me in the face. I know I can't forget my past and neither can others but I want to start over. I want to start a new life here in Chicago."
I wave at Jay and Mitch when I leave. Arthur holds the door open and gives me a pat on the back. I look at my car and smile. I'm going to walk. I enter the bakery five minutes to opening and head straight to Max's office.
"You need to fire her and make her go back home." I hear Four before I see him talking to Max.
"Four," Max starts to shake his head.
"You don't know what she did yesterday. She embarrassed Emilio and Liana!" Everyone is there in Max's office.
"Well if I understand correctly, Max, Four." I step into the office and everyone looks at me. "Emilio and Liana abso-fucking-lutely adore me. Max I'm going to go set up the sign since everyone is in here gossiping about me, like I'm not a person." I walk back out front, I don't know how I look, I borrowed a set of Mitch's hoop earrings that she said she didn't need. A shirt she had for a few years that would fit me okay, and a mini skirt that I brought.
The bell on the door chimes and I hold up a hand. "Be right with you."
"Tris!" I hear someone hiss behind me and I turn to face the group. They're all staring at me except Four he's looking at the door, a look of disbelief on hos face. Eric looks towards the door and his eyebrows shoot up.
"Well look at you, Beatrice." I know that voice. I turn and Evelyn Johnson is standing there. "You look different than when I last saw you."
"Last saw you?" Four repeats.
She looks at him and smiles. "Well I am a nurse at the Rockford hospital. By the way Beatrice. Your mother got worried when she had received a call yesterday from Christina, and she had an accident. She tripped and broke her wrist and we started talking and I said I knew Chicago enough that I could find you." She walks towards me. "Hmm, I thought I did an okay job cutting your hair. Did you not like it?"
"No it was fine, just I wanted to start over grow my hair out new." The door jingles again and Myra goes to help.
"So how are you really, Beatrice. And don't tell me you're fine." She raises an eyebrow. "I know you well enough to know you're not fine."
"Excuse me?" Four pushes past Eric and Max. "You're my mother. You've never even bothered returning my phone calls or anything! But you'll come out of hiding for her? What makes her more special then me?" His voice cracks and my heart squeezes in my chest.
I ruined his relationship with his mother even more than necessary.
"Oh, Tobias." She cups his cheek. "I knew you were in good hands with her. You didn't need me. Beatrice here just happens to have me as a nurse for more than normal. Since that night Jack Kang hurt you. Very weird how he died in an accident so soon." She looks away from Four. "Are you free?"
I look at Max who nods.
"I guess."
"Good, I'm sure there is somewhere we can talk. I need to tell you my story." Evelyn takes my hand. "I think it's about time that we both have that talk, coming Tobias? Some of this may interest you too."
Well then let us begin:
il mio nuovo giocattolo- My new toy
Vieni a letto, bello- come to bed beautiful
cara. Ti fanno sentire meglio- dear. Make you feel better.
Non piangere cara, acqua appena versato- Do not cry dear, it's just split water
tesoro- treasure (sweetheart)
So what Clark gave Tris was Ketamine it is used recreationally and as a date rape drug. It causes hallucinations and can make you feel euphoria sometimes. If you do not drink enough water your body get dehydrated and the hallucinations are worse (Tris was dehydrated) And it can cause you to be sick.
Drugs are bad you take them then some shit always goes down and someone ends up hurt, don't do it.
So Clark's a sausage.
If you can not guess Tobias' paying profession then I don't know how much more I can hint at it without actually saying it.
So Evelyn, talk. Good times ahead if you're still here. Trust me. Good times. LavMenace you can just enjoy your spoilers.