Winter Petals
Like following a glimpse of light in the dark…
Like seeking for the warmth of the sun when your skin shivers…
Like hearing the gentle, familiar voice of that inner part of your soul that tries to reason your mind and show you the way into awareness of yourself… that voice which I first heard when I had grown too impatient to listen to anyone else such as my colleagues, my senseis…
They kept saying that I would make it; I would hear it…
And when I finally heard Haineko's voice and saw her deep green eyes, that tint of the needle leaves of a pine tree after the winter, I finally felt like being grabbed protectively from falling forever into the abyss of my own thoughts, fears… and memories. Haineko saved me from losing myself. Haineko became the walking stick that would keep me from losing my balance, and the eyes of a parent that would always watch over my back and warn me of any obstruction on the way.
Haineko was a part of me.
She was born when I was born and lived with me ever since, even if I only realized her existence in the afterlife.
She may be stubborn, flirtatious and quite snobbish. Her voice is too high-pitched compared to mine and she always knows how to provoke people. She hunts men as if they're prey, but there is always a glance in her eyes that proves that beneath that outer image she has, there is a very mysterious, secretive and powerful woman…
Haineko is a part of me… that's why she is linked with the unforgotten souls. That's why I'm linked with the unforgotten souls…
They represent the past that never seizes to haunt me, even though I had often promised myself to let go…
I had let go; the moment I reached bankai level for the first time. When Haineko finally was able to unleash her true powers.
Yes… I had let go of the people I cared about and loved… but I just could not let go of that lack of will and power I had shown when I had faced them. The ones who had pierced that blade through my father's stomach, the ones who had caused that roof to collapse over my mother. I had been there and I had seen them. I even had that god damn katana in my hands, but… I never attacked… instead I ran…
And I ran…
And I ran…
Holding tight onto Shiro's long, white mane and hiding my cold, expressionless face on the back of his long, muscular neck I slowly, gradually lost myself and sank into oblivion. I never realized the sun rising up again and the birds in the trees welcoming another new day, or Shiro halting by a small river slurping the fresh water with his big tongue. Or even a group of boys passing by with a small coach drawn by a donkey, calling names and shouting at me, or Shiro trying to move in order to draw my attention… I couldn't feel anymore, because even though I did see and hear all that had happened in those two days that passed between my parents' death and my own, I was absent. Like a floating ghost lingering over my body which did not move although it was breathing, and didn't see even though its eyes were open…
The white stallion had halted under a broken, old pine tree and had gently kneeled to put me on the grass. It had been a cold night and the horse had leaned his long neck to push me softly with his grayish snout, but my body had barely moved.
I remember a strange sound, something between a grunt and a cry, which I could not surely tell if it came from me…
Shiro had stayed there all night, but he had galloped away a little before dawn, leaving me forever…
Forever… that's a very strange word…
I thought I'd never see my parents for a time I described as forever, but how could I imagine that I would see a soul in my father's form hundred years later with flickering flames burning inside his eye sockets…
"I wish with all my heart you'll never have to hold a katana in your hands… but if you do, may it be for a better reason than mine…"
I wish I could tell my father that if he could see me now, he'd be proud, because I've become strong and I hold the most beautiful katana. Her name is Haineko, and with her flames we will help those souls that are unable to move on to find peace. I hope that this is a good enough reason for him to allow me to hold a katana with dignity in my hands…
Flames are not only destructive, they can do good as well. They offer warmth and melt the ice of the heart…
I also wish I could tell him that Shiro is with me. That he never left me and he's always been there for me and that I know he will always watch over my back…
…
"Matsumoto, watch out!" Toushirou bellowed and pushed Matsumoto so that a kite sped between them like a lightning bolt.
Toushirou scowled searching for the guilty one who had so irresponsibly let that kite almost pierce their backs. Two little boys came running and they both passed them by not throwing them a single glance searching for the colourful kite which had disappeared behind a red roof.
"Hey!" Toushirou was about to follow them but he felt suddenly his throat choke from the collar of his uniform as Matsumoto had grabbed the back of it pulling him towards her.
"Oi! Calm down, Captain!" she said.
Toushirou could feel her standing too close to him, like standing next to a small, gentle fire radiating its warmth slowly towards his body. He glanced at her seeing an innocent grin on her face before looking away again with a frown.
"Idiots!" he muttered staring at the corner behind which the two boys had disappeared. He could hear them shouting, but he no longer paid much attention as Matsumoto placed a palm over his shoulder.
"Come on! She will be waiting!" Matsumoto said and moved past him, while her hand left his shoulder and stroked his forearm before letting her hand slip off him. He caught himself holding his breath unable to catch onto what had happened in that glimpse of time.
Toushirou followed her with the corners of his eyes as she walked in front of him and his mind was clouded by the remembrance of the warmth of her soft neck under his lips, the tempting scent emitting from her damp hair and the sound of her heavy breathing as he brushed slowly his lips on purpose to hear more, feel more…
The West Gate of Seireitei stood far behind them as the sun shone high in the clear sky.
Toushirou tried to focus on his surroundings than the woman with the serene smile beside him, observing the familiar wooden houses and shops with that simple yet nostalgic architecture of that good part of Rukongai where he had grown up. Seireitei was a lot different architecturally than Rukongai. The buildings and manors consisted of marbles, granite and freshly polished wood instead of old wood, metallic walls and curtains. The roads were always clean made of identical pieces of rectangular and rhombus-shaped stones, instead here the streets were nothing more than dirt, and there was quiet instead of the commotion that was always taking place in the daylight in Junrinan district.
Even though Toushirou did visit often his grandmother, he preferred doing so later in the evenings when the streets were emptier and quieter, just to avoid the stares, the glares, the frowns and the mutterings about his person. Almost everyone here knew him, and most of them simply were not that satisfied with the fact that a kid like him had managed to become a Shinigami, let alone a Captain of the Gotei 13…
Maybe it was jealousy, maybe it was hatred, but Toushirou could tell that what caused all those glares and the unpleasant, electric air between his former co-citizens and neighbours and himself was the fact that that boy with the murderous, ice-cold look and the distant, mysterious personality that made the other children afraid and the older ones avoid him had finally left this place. Their place, their lives… And so walking now between them, wearing that haori, carrying that Zanpakuto and having the most beautiful woman of Soul Society following him faithfully was definitely not the best option of pacifying that uncomfortable atmosphere.
Toushirou tried to look anywhere but into anyone's eyes and for a moment he even thought of using flash steps to hasten the little stroll.
"Captain, why are you so tensed?" Matsumoto asked glancing at him over her shoulder and halted so that he would catch up with her.
That moment his eyes met a woman's stare who didn't even flicker when their eyes met. She was literally piercing him with those dark eyes shadowed by oily strands of hair and his heart started beating fast.
"What?" he gapped at Matsumoto fighting to look away from that rude woman.
"What's wrong?" Matsumoto followed the direction into which Toushirou had looked. He noticed how the woman immediately looked away when Matsumoto frowned at her. She looked back down at him with a puzzled expression. Toushirou drew away and continued walking looking straight ahead hearing now the muttering and gossiping increase in volume and intensity. Or so he thought it was…
Matsumoto caught up with him scanning a round with a questioning look.
"Captain, what's going on here?" she whispered.
Toushirou didn't stop walking as he spoke.
"Let's take a shortcut!" and with flash steps he finally got out of that drowning feeling of being watched and criticized with no hesitation…
Toushirou landed high on a roof, two blocks from that market street where they had been walking previously. His dark turquoise eyes travelled over his surroundings. He bit his lower lip recognizing that rooftop further to the north on which he had spent so many hours of his life distancing himself from everyone and everything, following Hinamori with his eyes every time she returned back to Seireitei and her precious Shinigami friends, trying to find a purpose… a reason… until he heard that one voice that would change his life and bring him to Matsumoto Rangiku…
Matsumoto appeared in no time beside him.
"What was that about?" she wondered with a deep frown which wrinkled slightly her smooth skin.
Toushirou met her eyes crossing his arms in front of his chest.
"It'll take us twice the time to reach our destination by walking." He replied simply and glanced at the high walls that surrounded Seireitei, the Court of Pure Souls, having a silvery glow under the sunlight.
"And… what about that woma-!"
"What about her?" Toushirou cut her sharply.
Matsumoto flinched slightly, but when her surprised look turned into a determined one again she made a step closer to him.
"You could say so from the beginning if you didn't want to take the market street…" Matsumoto told him.
Toushirou lowered his gaze and clicked his tongue feeling furious with himself for stressing her with his childish fears of a past he only tried to avoid.
"The way you just vanished in front of everyone's eyes was definitely not a way not to draw attention!" she pointed out placing her hands on her hips.
"We were already drawing too much attention." He muttered.
He felt Matsumoto's grayish-blue eyes watching him as if she was trying to assess his mental state, which he tried to hide beneath his furrowed and distant expression.
"Stop whatever you're doing." He told her calmly with his hoarse voice.
Matsumoto lowered her face humbly.
"I'm sorry…"
"Don't be."
Matsumoto furrowed her brows and the corners of her lips curved a bit. Their eyes met and stayed fixed for a long moment. A moment so tranquil and beautiful, welcome and soothing, in which he found himself swirling in the tiny rays of light blue around her small pupils and the grayish clouds in the irises which were barely visible under the intense daylight. Suddenly all worries faded away and his lips started burning craving to feel hers on his, but it was not an uncontrollable feeling this time. One that had made him sweat and pant simply by remembering that touch the previous night, but a rather calm one. One that made his insides well with a familiar yet new warmth and brought a perfect clearance in his mind…
One look could simply do all this…
Toushirou finally managed to look away before he feared she'd think of him as impolite and took a deep breath blinking his eyes.
"It seems the print I left in this place is not a happy one." He said, feeling as if he should explain himself to her. She never asked him to, he knew that, but if he could not explain it to the woman who seemed to encourage him with a simple gesture like a smile, calm him down with a simple look and make his heart race with a couple of words, then he could not explain it to anyone else…
"They're just jealous of you!" Matsumoto spoke, and her voice rang so beautifully in his ears.
"Give me a break!" he spoke with a smirk.
"There are more people that like you captain than you think! Those there simply envied you!"
"Envy is never a good thing. It only feeds evil purposes."
"And encourages competition and a reason to reach the other's level!" Matsumoto added with a wink and Toushirou chuckled shaking his head.
"Since when did you become so talkative?" he joked looking ahead at the dense forest that extended in the far west of Rukongai.
"Since you opened up to me, Hitsugaya-taicho!" she replied at once as if she had known the question and had a ready answer. He watched how a breeze caused her long, golden locks dance around her shoulders and strands of hair frame her shiny eyes.
How could she always speak the perfect words on the perfect time…
Toushirou and Matsumoto made their way towards the small wooden cabin of his grandmother. It was a quiet place where the houses were smaller and scattered in greater distances from one another. Bright green, fresh-cut grass lay under their feet and dried leaves of a big maple tree crunched under their every step. Its big, curling branches almost reached the rooftops and its dense, lively green leaves rustled with the rips of wind that blew every now and then.
Matsumoto raised her head to look at the blanket of leaves over their heads and a smile brightened her already bright face.
"Ah! This is so beautiful!"
Toushirou gave a hint of a smile watching her and suddenly he heard a very familiar, high-pitched chuckle.
His grandmother was standing on the threshold of the small cabin leaning her small body over a carved walking stick. A grin appeared on her deeply wrinkled face and strands of her snow-white hair played around her small temples.
"Grams!" Toushirou greeted her softly and climbed the few steps to hug her gently, fearing that every touch would make her lose her balance. But beneath that aged, small silhouette of hers there was probably the strongest woman he had ever known. Her much slated eyes travelled over his face and her warm palm tightened around his forearm.
"Toushirou-kun! Welcome home!" she greeted him back and he noticed her once aconite, blue eyes which had now turned paler turn towards Matsumoto.
His lieutenant was standing a few steps behind him with her hands behind her back and a genuine smile on her face as she bowed at the elder woman politely.
"That's Matsumoto Rangiku, Grams." Toushirou introduced her.
Matsumoto raised her head again linking her palms in front of her.
"Nice to meet you!"
His grandmother tilted her head a few times not taking her eyes off of Matsumoto.
"Oh, I've heard so much about you dear! Nice to finally meet you too, Rangiku-chan!"
Matsumoto chuckled and Toushirou noticed a soft, peach tint flush over her round cheekbones.
"Don't stand like statues! Come in, come in!"
Toushirou took off his sandals by the doorstep with his toes and stepped inside after letting Matsumoto enter first.
Toushirou smelled the familiar sweet taste of sugared nattou, something that his grandmother always made sure to have each time he would visit her. In the middle of the single room of the cabin was a higher floor covered with tatami, futons and low shelves across the walls. There were two windows on each wall letting all the light flood the house he once called home. Many parts which his grandmother was unable to reach were covered with dust and spider webs, but all in all the house looked in a perfect condition.
Right by the front door Toushirou noticed a red small bell which Hinamori had bought her from the Human world as a charm for health and happiness. And indeed, ever since Toushirou had left her in order to attend the Shinigami Academy in Seireitei, his grandmother seemed to become healthier and more energetic. Her outer image should not be taken for granted, since she was perfectly able to go to the market on her own and carry her own groceries. Ever since he had left her and his reiatsu had stopped making her health worse, she looked so much better.
And that only made Toushirou happy, because she was finally able to focus on herself than Hinamori and him… just like she deserved to.
"That is a very beautiful maple tree you have out there!" Matsumoto said following her gesture to make herself comfortable on the futons by the small fire burning in a square hole in the floor.
"Yes! We call it the Plum Red Guardian. Instead of red its leaves turn a plum red, sometimes even reddish purple before the raining season."
Toushirou sat between the two women and took a cup with warm, green tea from his grandmother. She kneeled on her futon, her simple, dark green kimono hugging her small body with patterns of lighter green shades of petals and leaves.
They sipped their tea in silence when the elder woman spoke, her voice slightly trembling.
"I'm happy you returned sound and safe. A bird told me it was a risky mission you attended."
Matsumoto glanced at Toushirou, who frowned taking another sip.
"A bird was it? With black hair and a big mouth?" he mocked.
His grandmother chuckled placing her cup beside her lap.
"Teasing in that age is always fascinating!" she said causing Matsumoto to chuckle.
Toushirou glanced at her.
It was forbidden to talk of any Shinigami business and missions outside Seireitei, even to family. But Hinamori tended to speak a lot with grandmother about everything…
"That girl never gets serious!" Toushirou muttered not hiding his irritation.
"You are enough serious for both Hinamori and myself! Let her act freely as long as she's young and innocent!" Matsumoto defended the 5th Division's lieutenant who also was a good friend of hers… as were almost all the Shinigami of Gotei 13.
"Rangiku-chan is right! You should take an example from her!" his grandmother said. Toushirou furrowed his brows unsure if she meant for him to take an example of Hinamori or Matsumoto… either way it didn't feel right.
After many minutes of talking about Hinamori and her naïve ways, Toushirou's grandmother stood up and after Matsumoto persuaded her to let her help her, they served on a low table their lunch. Vegetables with herbs, mochi, fried sardines and watermelons and sugared nattou for dessert.
Toushirou stayed quiet for the majority of the time enjoying the meal, as the two women talked about fields of rice paddies, herbs used in soups and vegetables and other things Toushirou wasn't really familiar with. But he didn't really care about that, instead he preferred observing the dark-blonde woman as she talked about things that belonged to her previous life.
"Osamu was the logical one. When Hikaru and I would defy my mother's shouts, he would take the lead and talk just like a big brother should. He knew our weaknesses perhaps better than our mother! He was not the type who'd simply act mature in order to gain our parents' trust or anything… no, it was just his way of applying order!"
"Having the ability to see through people is considered a power!" the elder woman commented.
Matsumoto nodded and a hint of sadness crossed her eyes.
"But most of the times it's a pain in the butt!" Matsumoto added with a chuckle.
Toushirou watched how she lowered her eyes and stared into the nothingness. Sometimes that woman was too easy to read…
"What about your other brother? Hikaru?" his grandmother asked as she had also noticed Matsumoto's distant expression. Toushirou thanked her inside of him for that.
"Hikaru… well, he was a lot more like me. Wild, annoying, blunt and curious of everything. Osamu on the other hand always had everything under control, as if he knew when to speak and when not. Hikaru always looked up at him, while I… I was just a wild animal gone free!"
Grandmother chuckled placing her chopsticks on the table. Toushirou held a smile appear on his lips as an image of a little Matsumoto flew across his mind; a little girl with those same sparkling eyes and a face painted with pure happiness…
"Toushirou-kun used to be quite blunt himself as well compared to Momo. He still is!"
Toushirou furrowed his brows hearing now comments about him popping up. He knew this would happen…
"Tous- Hitsugaya-taicho? Blunt? Yeah, right!"
Toushirou flinched slightly and met Matsumoto's eyes who quickly looked away.
"Maybe he becomes serious and composed when he acts like a captain, but he is truly a much more complex person, Rangiku-chan!"
Toushirou felt like standing up and grabbing Matsumoto to leave at once before his grandma would reveal any other inappropriate details about his personality. Especially to Matsumoto…
She had almost called him by his first name…
Toushirou had to look at her again, but she seemed to be determined to avoid him.
"I'm sure about that!" Matsumoto pointed out and she smiled softly.
"Oh really?" Toushirou joked suddenly and, finally, she looked up at him. He didn't care that he had just risked taking this conversation farther than what he wanted. He simply wanted to look into her eyes, to make her acknowledge him, because she had – almost had- called him by his first name…
"Everyone knows that much, captain!"
Captain…
Why did it feel suddenly strange to hear this word addressing him now…
Toushirou realized what he was doing and as he made himself remember that his grandmother was also present he drew his gaze away from his lieutenant to focus on his cup of tea. His heartbeat covered all other sounds in his ears.
"Keiko-chan brought those watermelons this morning. I told her that you'd come today." Grandmother said. Toushirou placed his cup on the table and straightened his back as he looked at the juicy, red flesh of the fruit slices.
It was a rather strange feeling having Matsumoto with him in this house by the woman who had offered him a home and watched him grow up. Whenever he came back here the haori over his shoulders was nothing but a piece of fine cloth, and the symbol of his Division on his back was nothing but a symbol; a number…
Here, under this roof, in front of his grandmother he was nothing more than a boy, and that feeling was always deliberating, as if his own body took advantage of that ease his mind was letting himself into as he relived those innocent years of his past. It was not as being two different people, instead what felt to be changing was his surroundings and the people around him.
There was the world of Junrinan district and there was the world of Seireitei…
In the one world he was a troubled boy who wondered why fate had erased his past from him while the others all talked and treasured their real families and homes, and in the other world he was that cold, mature captain in a boy's body who could take the hardest decisions in any life-threatening situation others couldn't and had let himself grow deep feelings towards his own lieutenant…
And now, that woman who had changed the course of life in the one world was here, sitting, smiling and talking in his other world…
But Matsumoto had appeared into his life long before he set foot in Seireitei and she had become a part of his life before he even considered dividing his world into two halves. It was like she was the center of this half-cut circle. The point where all radius met…
How could his world turn around one woman… that sounded like a very naïve thing to even think of, so why did it feel like the right thing to conclude in…
"That's crazy!" he muttered silently to himself and grabbed a slice of watermelon.
Even if that little voice of logic muttered those words to him, the decision to fight for what had started to develop between them felt too beautiful to defy. For once he didn't want to turn his back to this opportunity that offered him happiness. He wanted to take the risk and step onto the unspoken rules and laws of Seireitei, and at that moment he couldn't care less as he actually liked the idea of doing so…
Yes… he would fight for this.
And he looked into her shaded by thick lashes eyes and let his own reveal to her that pile of emotions rushing through him; excitement with fear, determination with a hint of hesitation, but above all happiness…
He wanted her of all people to know that…
The afternoon passed by quickly as his grandmother started telling stories of her own previous life in the Human world. Toushirou had heard most of them before, but there was always something new revealed. And since he had no memories of his own, he started placing himself into those memories and wondered what his life really had been. If his biological family was also farmers like his grandmother or Matsumoto's mother. If he also had siblings like Matsumoto with whom he'd play all day long, do pranks to the neighbours or compete with his friends who'd climb up the tree the highest…
Was his home by the sea or surrounded by mountains…
Did he even have a home…
Toushirou found himself sighing silently feeling like going through a déjà vu. As if everything was repeating itself; not the environment and the people around him but those exact thoughts and those exact feelings emerging inside of him in that perfect row that always led him into a shrinking room. Four walls imprisoned him and showed him images of a life that was not his. These images were made of everyone's stories of the past he knew; of Hinamori, of his grandmother, of Matsumoto, of his subordinates.
It was like going through someone else's photo-album and trying hard to imagine and place your own face into the photographs…
Toushirou rubbed his forehead not listening anymore to Matsumoto's and his grandmother's lively conversation. He heard some scattered words like birthdays and strawberries and elves of the rice paddies, but the only meaning they held right now for him was jealousy and anger.
His past consisted only of hostile glares, distance from the people around him and a vast field of snow and ice…
And without even trying to control it, Toushirou let himself dive back into this memory, there where he had seen Hyourinmaru in his majestic dragon form made of ice for the first time. It was the only place he felt familiar with as he could easily calm down his wild thoughts by simply staring into the white nothingness.
It was so cold he could actually feel it; like millions of needles shooting through his skin again and again. The sky was covered in a pale, white fog while the icy snow crunched under his every step letting small footprints appear behind him. A lonely trail of footprints in the vast field of ice…
Hyourinmaru was not here…
Toushirou searched around him clenching his fists wishing he would be here since this was the inside of his soul, the world where Hyourinmaru resided… but he was not…
He ran with all his might feeling the dry coldness make his throat and lungs ache, but he had to find him. He had to ask him if he knew…
Hyourinmaru was a part of him. He was born with him even if he only realized his existence many years later in the afterlife. But if indeed he had been with him from the beginning it meant that he could know, or at least have a clue of that absent past of his was like; if he had forgotten because he died in such a young age, or if he had forgotten because something terrible had happened… Was he murdered or was it a natural death… Did he have a home and a family…
Toushirou brushed his short hair backwards and pulled them slightly as he gritted his teeth wondering what made him so angry and impatient all of a sudden… Was it really the stories of his grandmother's and Matsumoto's previous lives that had awakened this burning itching in his chest… He could always control himself and his thoughts so where did this all come from…
How did he end up inside his own soul in the first place…
And why wasn't Hyourinmaru here…
Suddenly a thump echoed from his left. He quickly turned towards that direction but saw nothing but white blankets of snow and fog. He tried to listen closely not taking his eyes off that direction. His feet moved instinctively towards the invisible source of that single thump, but the more he run everything stayed the same; white, empty and distant.
"Damn you!" he grunted under his breath feeling his fingers and toes grow numb.
The thump echoed once more but this time from his right. He frowned noticing that his exhales created small clouds warming up his lips and nose slightly.
"Hyourinmaru!" Toushirou growled cupping his mouth.
A deep silence followed as if his own shout had been drowned in an instant by the vastness of this place.
"Hyourinmaru!" he shouted again and kicked some snow with his foot. When he looked down he noticed that the snow he had kicked had exposed the ground. But it was no normal ground, bare and wet as it should be under the snow. Instead it was covered with lush, reborn grass which colour came in great contrast with the pale whiteness of the place. He shoved more snow putting a great force to break it and slowly under that thick cloak of snow a beautiful spring field was revealed.
Scattered between the thin leaves of grass were small flower buds. Toushirou kneeled and started digging through the snow with his bare hands unable to comprehend with the fact that all this time, in the world of his mind, there was a hidden layer of spring beneath that endless, soulless world of winter. His hands started aching so much he could barely move his fingers, but he could still just cup the snow and throw it away.
Panting he halted and brushed drops of sweat from his forehead when he had dag out some few square meters of that green field with the identical flower buds. He sank in the pile of snow he had created and hit his fist into it hard grunting with frustration.
"Hyourinmaru…" he whispered with a trembling voice.
Something was not right…
Something felt out of place; it was not the green field under the snow, or those thumps that had echoed before. It was Hyourinmaru's absence…
Why was he not inside of him…
"Captain?"
Toushirou flinched and stood up in a matter of a millisecond scanning around. He was alone.
"Hey, captain!"
It was Matsumoto's voice…
"Matsumoto…" he muttered and looked up in the sky which was suddenly darkened by a shadow, as if a great, big cloud had appeared out of thin air.
"Hyourinmaru?" Toushirou wondered, but the shadow was too round and massive for it to be a dragon.
"Damm!"
…
"Toushirououou!" I growled shaking simultaneously Hitsugaya-taicho's shoulders when he finally snapped out of it blinking his eyes many times before adjusting his eyes on mine.
He was panting and when I met his eyes I noticed a void in them. My hands left him and I felt my lips part seeing the most distant look I had ever witnessed, as if the captain I had known for more than hundred years was suddenly absent…
"Hitsugaya-taicho?" I asked just so I could receive a confirmation that it was him and sooth that wild beating of fear in my chest.
My white-haired captain brushed a palm over his face and sighed loudly looking away from me and a deep frown shadowed his half-lidded eyes.
"I'm sorry…" he muttered, his voice deeper than usual.
"Are you-"
"Excuse me." He said and stood up walking away from us.
I was about to follow, but Ren-san touched my hand gently motioning me to stay. I reluctantly sat back on my futon as I watched my small captain leave the house disappearing into the afternoon sun.
I furrowed my brows feeling incapable of anything. I had no idea what had happened. It all had occurred so fast I had barely noticed anything but that blank stare of his into the flickering fire and that feeling of cold rushing over my skin.
It was a sensation I hadn't experienced since our last mission in the Human world when we received our Gigai from Urahara-san. It had been Hitsugaya-taicho's reiatsu and Ren-san had started trembling. Her eyes immediately shifted towards her adopted grandson and I saw fear carved on her deeply wrinkled face…
I sighed feeling helpless and linked my palms on my lap.
"What happened?" I wondered still staring at the open door through which Hitsugaya-taicho had disappeared.
"Let him be. For now!" Ren-san said sounding so calm that made me wonder if she was the least concerned, but when I glanced at her I saw a small tear escape the corner of her pale, blue eye.
"I've… never felt this reiatsu since-!"
"Yes… me too!" Ren-san nodded and shifted her small legs on her futon to sit closer to the fire.
"Shall I bring more woods?" I asked feeling pity for that small woman who would definitely feel a lot more helpless than me right now.
"No, dear! Something so trivial won't hurt me!"
I gave a sad smile and darted back to the open door. My legs wanted to stand up and run after him, but something held me back. Perhaps it was my ignorance of what was going on in my captain's head, but… I would never find out unless I asked him…
Ever since we had arrived here, he had been very quiet, whereas I … well, I just couldn't keep my mouth shut, but… was it something I had said that made him so upset…
All we had been talking was about the art of growing rice, and which herbs spice up better which vegetables, things I had learnt in my previous life…
And that's when it struck me what could have possibly happened.
"I don't have something to miss…" he had said to me last night, there on the rooftop watching over our colleagues enjoying the little get-together my captain had planned.
He had asked me what I missed most from my previous life… and I had so irresponsibly been talking about nothing else than my previous life today; stories of my adventures with my brothers, about the numerous abilities of my dear grandmother whom Ren-san could represent perfectly, although Ren-san was more straight-forward while my grandma preferred talking with riddles and strange myths that I sometimes guessed she made them up.
What was I thinking…
"It's my fault, Ren-san." I muttered feeling my voice powerless as the guilt rushed through me like an ice cold wave.
The elder woman gave me a glance as she sipped her second cup of green tea.
"Some things catch up with us eventually. This would happen one day, Rangiku-chan."
I looked at her with a worried frown clenching my fists.
"What do you mean?"
"As I said before, he's a much more complex person than anyone thinks. Perhaps even you! But just having someone who believes in him will definitely help him face it." she gave me a hopeful smile.
"You're talking about his past, aren't you?"
Ren-san nodded as her eyes looked into the small fire.
"This is why everyone kept away from him. Especially the other children. They could tell that something was missing from him, that something didn't match up. I was often asked where I had found him and why was I watching over him. They were afraid of him, because he was so different from the other children."
"Why?" I wondered.
She looked at me with a serious expression that made me miss a couple of heartbeats.
"You felt what I felt, didn't you?"
"The cold…"
"Imagine feeling this way every time you go near him. The others were not used to such a powerful aura, so they avoided him. It's a feeling compared to standing on the path of a great beast which you know will eat you alive. Anyone would simply avoid this. It's pure instinct."
"But he was just a child back then!" I spoke up feeling my nails dig through the skin of my palms.
"Rangiku-chan, the people of Rukongai rarely come face to face with what you call reiatsu and which we call aura. Some emit a warm and comfortable aura, others a hostile one, like Toushirou-kun's. He has been giving out this aura ever since I found him and perhaps ever since he came in Soul Society. I've never encountered one like him before, and I'm sure no one else in Junrinan district has as well." The elder woman sighed deeply shifting her eyes back towards the fire. "Whether a child or an adult, when the aura they emit is such that our senses characterize as dangerous, then it is only natural to act this way."
I frowned feeling my patience grow thin.
"But you did not, so why is it impossible for others to do so too?" I grunted under my breath and looked away from her. "If you could see the way they looked at him in the market place, you… you would also want to punch their arrogant faces!"
Ren-san chuckled.
"I need to find him, Ren-san!" I said. "I promised to him that-" my words lingered in the air as that vast void inside his usually glimmering, dark turquoise eyes was still painted behind my eyelids.
"I should have followed him from the start." I said with an accusing tone to myself and I finally ran after him.
…
Toushirou felt Matsumoto's flickering reiatsu and she appeared right behind him on the rooftop with a surrounding view of west Rukongai.
"Matsumoto…" he whispered and like the welcoming warmth that arrives with dawn, her arms wrapped from behind locking him inside her beautiful, protective and caring embrace.
He felt her warm exhale on the top of his head and her arms tightened around him more, but he didn't mind. He simply let himself find peace in this moment.
The coldness and the emptiness inside of him slowly faded away. The fog disappeared into thin air and a clear blue sky opened up behind his eyelids. He squeezed his eyes harder and gradually, under his feet, the snow melted into crystal water which was immediately sucked through the ground. The animate grass caressed his bare feet and as he kneeled and touched the shut flower buds with his fingertips, they started moving as if a breeze which he could not feel flowed above them telling him that they were there. They were alive…
Matsumoto's warm exhale reached his ear and then his neck as she lowered her head to lean her chin on his shoulder. Toushirou raised his hands to cup hers in front of his chest and rubbed his index fingers on her warm wrists. He could feel her soft heartbeat through them and they even synchronized with the rhythm the flower buds started popping open in the world of his mind.
The whiteness had long disappeared and before him extended the greenest, most beautiful spring field he had seen. It was like waking up from the most peaceful sleep, like having reached the end of the darkest tunnel, like hearing that inner part of your soul speak to you and reveal to you the name you have been long anticipating to hear…
A clearance of mind so great it could overcome the darkest thoughts…
"Hitsugaya-taicho…" Matsumoto's gentle voice broke beside his ear. He tightened his hands around hers wanting to show her his gratitude for having her in his life…
"Whatever your past holds, I will make sure you will have a better future awaiting you! We will make memories together!" she whispered to him.
The flowers that emerged from their protective leaves had a pale purple shade with lighter pink edges. Each flower had four long petals forming a cross and they grew fast taller and taller now reaching his ankles. As he watched he heard Matsumoto's promises of a happy future and they grew to reach his knees until they soon became huge with their broad four petals hiding the sun and filtering the light to make it look purple and pink.
He looked up seeing now a purple sky and a smile appeared on his face. His hands grabbed the stems of two huge flowers which were now as tall as him and they both started glowing under his touch with a pale, morning blue gleam.
"Hyourinmaru…" he whispered to himself inside his inner world and an echoing growl like a beast's purr covered the silence in response…
"Matsumoto… thank you for saving me." He whispered to her.
"Saving you?" she wondered in an undertone. He felt her scent create swirling ribbons in the sky of his inner world…
"You showed me the way to a place where I was not feared and where I could learn to control my reiatsu… You…" he stopped and swallowed with difficulty.
Matsumoto noticed and she raised her head and walked beside him to look him in the eye. A genuine smile appeared on her blushed face.
"Does it mean that we're even then?" she chuckled.
Toushirou frowned.
"What do you mean?"
"It's a long story, Hitsugaya-taicho!" she grinned.
Toushirou chuckled as well rubbing the back of his neck feeling his head heavy with all those revelations that had occurred in such a short time.
Matsumoto touched his chin with her hand and let him look deep into her diamond eyes. The tiny, swirling rays of light blue in her silvery gray irises resembled the sparkles of Hyourinmaru's ice body under the sun that shone bright in his inner world.
"Never forget that the moon is two sided, although we are only able to see the one side. These people, they are blind because they pay attention only to what they see… but I can see more. So can your grandmother, and Hinamori. Even Kyoraku-san and Ukitake-taicho. They have met a better you! Don't let those stares upset you, because you should only feel pity about them… for not seeing all those beautiful things I see right now in you."
Her warm palm stroked his jaw line and his cheek. He sighed and his lips curved into a faint, but true smile.
"I am the luckiest lieutenant, because Hitsugaya Toushirou is my captain!" she whispered to him making him skip a million heartbeats hearing his first name sound so beautiful coming from her lips…
…
Good evening everyone!
Thank you soooooo much for your beautiful reviews, i'm so happy you like it that much and it's such a magical feeling to know that so many people enjoy this as much as i do ^_^
Well, about this chapter: if you think this is getting too strange or anything please say so! having Toushirou have such doubts and fears about his past was something i've planning on writing from the beginning, since -i think- there is no real mention on his previous life. Correct me if i'm mistaken... i'll have to make a deep research on this one...
Hopefully you enjoyed this :)
Take care and THANK YOU ALL!