21. The Centre Cannot Hold

Susan sat sobbing in her cell, curled up against the far corner, for what seemed like ages. Everything was going wrong, everything was falling down around her ears. After saving the world, after being a hero, fêted by presidents, celebrated by the media, the same world had now turned its back on her, rejected her, tossed her back into the refuse pit like so much leftover food.

But after all, how could she blame them? It was really all her fault. It really was. Susan sighed, realizing that everything bad that was happening to her now was all directly traceable to her rampage in Las Vegas, where she had killed or injured dozens of people. Unlike her first time in the monster prison, this time she did deserve it. She was a bad girl, a very bad one. She didn't deserve the luxury of feeling sorry for herself. Not after what she had done. She was no longer that innocent bride whose world had suddenly turned topsy-turvy, dumping her into this remote, secret base, isolating her from everyone she had ever loved. That wasn't who she was any more. She was no longer a child.

With a start, Susan remembered Renee. She was an innocent child, without question. Even more so than Susan had been when she was first brought here. What must the young girl be feeling now? After all the promises Susan had made, after all the assurances—and now this? To be made a prisoner? Truly alone? Why the hell was she sitting in the dark sobbing, feeling sorry for herself, when Renee must be coping so much more badly? It was her responsibility to look after the newest and youngest monster. She no longer had the luxury of feeling sorry for herself, and it was with a sharp pang of guilt that she wondered why it had taken her so long to realize this.

Wiping away her tears, Susan stood up and entered the main common room again.

"Where's Renee?" she asked, looking around the great bare chamber.

"In her cell, I guess," Link said. He looked up at Susan. "How're ya holding up?"

"Not great. But I'll survive." She took a deep breath, and gave him a slightly forced smile. "Don't worry about me. So which cell's she in?"

Link pointed at one of the smaller doors, and Susan walked over, dropping gently to the ground. She tapped gently at the door. "Uh, Renee? Sorry to have, er, flaked out on you earlier. I didn't mean to leave you all alone like this. I'm really sorry. Honest. I mean, I told you this was a great place to live for monsters—people like us, and now… and now…." She took a deep breath. "Oh, Renee, I'm so sorry. If you're there, if you can hear me, I wish I'd never asked you to come. I wish I'd never… I'd never done what I did. I ruined it for all of us, I did. Renee, if you're there, I… I…."

Susan slumped against the wall, her head on her knees, and wiped a fresh tear away.

"Hey, she'll be fine," Link said, loping over to her and patting her on the shin. "She's tough. She'll cope. We all will."

"No, she won't be fine," Susan retorted. "She's only fourteen years old."

"So was Mary," Link told her.

Susan shook her head. "Mary only looked that old, remember. She was really more like two hundred and fifty years old. She could cope with anything." She sighed. "I wish she were here right now, so she could tell me how to cope with this. How to make things better. How to make Renee feel better. Link, she must be so terrified! She's a prisoner now, like I was at the start, and I… I got her to come. I asked her here. It's my fault. Everything's my fault…."

"Don't beat y'self up, Giny," Link said. "Let me do that."

Susan gave him a wan smile. "So how're you coping, green guy?"

Link shrugged. "I'll manage. I've done this before. But yeah…." He sighed and looked around. "I'm gonna miss the old place." He made a face. "Goddamn Meihem. What's his problem?"

"Me," Susan said bluntly.

Link glanced up at the huge giantess beside him and shook his head. "No. Not you. Us," he told her. "It's us he hates. They all do. They always did. And no matter how many cities we save, no matter how many alien attacks we defeat, to them we'll always just be monsters."

"Yeah. Monsters," Susan whispered, remembering that night Derek had dumped her and Gallaxhar had abducted her. She had survived both, grown stronger as a result. And she would survive this. She would survive. Whatever happened. And she must make sure everyone else survived as well. Starting with the most vulnerable member of their small family...

"Renee?" she called again. "Please, please don't stay in there. Please come out. I want to help."

"Yeah? And what can you do?" Renee's disembodied voice came from near her left ear.

Susan started. "How long have you been there?"

"A while," Renee said, slowly materializing. A chill swept through the air, and Susan shivered.

"How… how are you holding up?" Susan asked.

Renee shrugged. "I feel... nothing. Nothing at all. No anger, no sadness, no loss. Nothing. There's nothing I can do. I'm a ghost, a shadow, a nothing."

"You are not nothing!" Susan told her. "You're everything Renee Geist ever was."

"And what was that? Nothing!"

"You were not nothing!"

"Yeah? You never knew me when I was alive. I did nothing. I wasted my life. I had no ambition, few friends, few interests. I deserve to be dead, because I was a waste of oxygen when I was alive."

"Renee!" Susan gasped. "That is not true! That is never true!"

"Yeah, it is," Renee said, her voice barely audible.

Susan shook her head. "I might not have known you when you were, er, alive, but I know you now. And you are most certainly not a waste of oxygen! And not because you don't breathe, either! Look, I know about not valuing myself. Renee, I really do. I mean, I never expected to end up as anything more than the Weatherman's Wife, and I never even wanted to be more. That was the limit, the extent of my concept of happiness. And it was so small and limited, I had no idea. So don't you ever let anyone, including yourself, limit you!"

"Yeah, that's rich, what with us shoved in a prison like this," Renee snarled. "Limited? I'm in a fucking prison, that's what I am!"

"I don't mean that, Renee," Susan said. "We can't always be free to go where we want, but we can be free in here," she said, pointing at her heart.

Renee raised an eyebrow. "Why are you suddenly sounding like some cheesy self-help book?"

"Because that's the lesson I learned, Renee," Susan said. "And it's a lesson I'm still learning. It's all too easy to limit ourselves, to feel we are inadequate, or unworthy, or to try and shut ourselves away, thinking others don't have the same problems. Or worse."

"I don't really care about that, frankly. All that bullshit. I'm not fucking limiting myself, I'm being fucking locked in a fucking jail!"

"I'm so sorry about that, Renee," Susan said, averting her eyes from the harsh glow Renee was generating. "If I'd known…."

"Yeah, if you'd known, if I'd known, if, if if." Renee faded out slightly with a gently sigh. "Look, I'm not mad at you, really. You don't have to try and make me feel better. I told you—I'm not angry. I'm just… empty."

"Okay," Susan said with a sigh. "If… if you want to talk, you know where to find me."

"Yeah, thanks," Renee said. "Maybe later. I just want to go to sleep. Maybe this time I won't wake up…."

The ghost slowly faded from sight, and Susan slumped back against the wall, her eyes unfocused, staring out into nothing, trying to keep the tears at bay.

The alarm was sounding, and Susan blinked wearily, yawning. She had spent a restless night on her hard bed, unable to quell the bad memories of her earlier incarceration in the bare room. She had eventually dropped off, only to have disturbing nightmares of violence, destruction, hatred, and cold isolation. They had left her feeling on edge, irritable, and in no mood to face the day.

With a sudden jerk, the bed started retracting into the wall, dumping the fifty-foot giantess unceremoniously onto the ground. Her nearly twelve-ton weight crashed onto the floor with a tremendous thump, and she lay there for a moment, trying not to cry from sheer impotent frustration. It was hard, but she tried to tell herself, for the umpteenth time, that she was a prisoner, she had hurt people, and she did deserve this. At the moment, however, it didn't help much. She tried to ignore the sound of the alarm. But it was far louder here than it had been in her usual room, and the strobing light was not helping matters. Or her mood.

The main door suddenly started sliding open. Susan gasped and grabbed her sheet, quickly wrapping it around her bare body.

"What the hell!" she called out. "I'm not dressed!"

"All monsters report to the central containment chamber for their meal," came a recorded voice over the PA system.

"Not before I've got dressed, you bastard!" Susan called back. She quickly grabbed her clothes, getting her panties and trousers on, then she faced the back wall of her cell, dropped the sheet, and lost no time in getting her bra on. Then the rear wall started moving towards her, pushing her out, and she barely had time to grab her shirt before she found herself standing in the main chamber, her face red with fury and embarrassment.

"Hi Susan!" Bob called, slithering between her legs and grinning up at the giantess. "Lovely day today! Not a cloud in the sky!"

"Bob!" Cockroach called. "Get back here! Susan, it's all right, my dear, we've all averted our eyes!"

"Oh, I don't mind you looking, Jacques," Susan said, the sight of her fiancé lifting her spirits somewhat. She finished slipping the shirt on and doing the front up as she walked over to the table. Her porridge was waiting for her, and the other monsters were gathering around their own table on the floor beside her.

"For heaven's sake!" she said, picking up her bowl from the floor. "They're not even giving me time to dress now?"

"They would if you got up when the alarm went off," Monger noted. "You are late, Ginormica. Your breakfast is getting cold."

"Cold porridge. Great."

"Good morning, my dear," Cockroach called up. "I trust you slept well?"

"Not really," she told him, trying not to sound too downcast. "I had some… bad dreams."

"Oh. Well, stiff upper lip, I always say," he replied courteously.

"I'm… I'm trying," she said, and sighed. "I really am."

"Well, we're here for you, remember that."

"Yeah, I do," she said. "I do. Where's Renee?"

"Here, though I don't know why," the ghost said.

"You're here because we're a team," Monger said. "We stick together. Now eat your breakfast, Ginormica, and stop pouting."

Susan shrugged, and sat down listlessly. She picked up the spoon and looked at it, biting her trembling lower lip, remembering her very first morning in the chamber, and the fear she had felt then. And now, after all she had done, all she had been through, try as she might she couldn't escape feeling the same fear, the same sense of utter helplessness. Suddenly furious again, she bent the spoon in two with her thumb, then flung it away from her as hard as she could. It shot across the room and embedded itself into the steel-plated wall with a loud bang.

"Ginormica!" Monger shouted. "Control yourself!"

"What's the point?" Susan shot. "Damn that general! If I had him here, I'd…."

"You'd do what, soldier?" Monger called up, his face furious.

Susan looked down at him and sighed, her brief anger already over. "Nothing... sir. Nothing at all."

"Good. Just remember, you have no right to complain about your living arrangements. You are still serving a prison sentence. For multiple counts of second-degree murder and involuntary manslaughter, I might add."

"Do you have to remind her, General?" Cockroach asked as Susan swallowed hard and buried her face in her hands, unable to suppress a sob.

"It appears I do," Monger said. "Ginormica here needs to learn not to feel so sorry for herself."

"It's okay, Jacques," Susan said, giving him a small, sad smile. "The General's right. I am a prisoner. I shouldn't expect luxury, or pleasant surroundings. I mean, I did kill those people. I killed them because I couldn't control my temper."

"And you're having problems with that now, I guess," Renee said, drifting over to the spoon. "Wow, that thing is really stuck in there," she added, examining it.

Susan wiped her eyes and stood up. She walked over to the spoon, and attempted to wrench it out of the metal wall. The handle snapped off, leaving the bowl still stuck in the wall. "Crap," she swore softly.

"What's going on?" Monger activated his hover jets and he flew up to join Susan and Renee. Seeing the broken spoon, he raised an eyebrow. "Remove that, Ginormica."

"Yes, sir," Susan said. She managed to slip a fingertip in the crack made by the spoon, and gently peeled away a small section of the thick steel plating.

"Oh my God," Renee breathed as Susan plucked out the spoon bowl, and carefully pushed the steel plating flat again. The ghost felt a shiver run up her back at the sheer strength demonstrated by the giantess. It was so easy to think of Susan as just normally strong, or at least normally strong for her size. As she almost never needed to show her true strength, for Renee it was a fresh revelation each time she did.

"Here." Susan tossed the spoon on her table, and sat down.

"Oh, I could use that," Cockroach said, scurrying up and eyeing it carefully. He made some quick measurements with a pocket tape measure, and nodded. "Almost the right curvature for a directional antenna. Excuse me." He picked the bowl up with an insane cackle, and skittered off the table.

"So how often does that happen?" Renee asked Susan.

"Hm? That crazy laugh? Oh, not so much these days, at least not when we were in the good room. He used to do it all the time."

"No, I meant that," Renee said, gesturing vaguely towards the wall. "Underestimating your strength."

"Oh." Susan looked down at her hands, turning them over. "Not often, I guess. I mean, sometimes, like that first time with Derek at the studio, when I cracked a couple of his ribs and gave him a mild concussion, but I'm not really a physical person, most of the time. Also, I try to be careful."

"So long as she's not pissed off at someone," Link added. "She nearly killed me at Halloween."

"Huh? I did not! When?" Susan asked.

"You remember. When you threw me across the room."

"You did what?" Renee gasped.

"It was his fault!" Susan retorted. "He hid in my tea to try and scare me!"

"I guess it worked," Renee commented with a smile.

"I wasn't scared!" Susan said. "I was… I was just surprised. That's all."

"Sure, sure," Link said, waggling his eyebrows and smirking.

"I wish it still was Halloween," Susan said. "And none of this had happened. I wish none of this happened."

"Your sentence will be over soon, Ginormica," Monger said.

Susan looked down at him, and gave a short bitter laugh. "And you think I'll be allowed to go free even then? Fat chance. You wait and see..."

Several days had passed. Susan noticed that Renee spent as much time in her cell as she could, watching movies on her iPad or listening to music, and generally only came out for meals. Often not even then, as she no longer needed to eat now that she was a ghost. Whenever she did come out, Susan did her best to keep the young ghost cheerful, but with very mixed results. Especially as she was fighting against lapsing into depression herself.

Susan herself tried to avoid her cell, as it carried too many bad memories for her. She spent her days in the main room, mindlessly watching television on the old projector screen, trying to take her mind off her fears of the future. She saw little of Cockroach, who also seemed to spend as much time as he could in his room, and was reluctant to talk about what he was doing in there. Susan had noticed a change in him since their return to their old quarters: he was far more twitchy, his antennae constantly moving, his eyes always scanning around. He would mumble to himself for extended periods of time, often punctuating his ramblings with an insane cackle. At other times he would go and sit in the corner and scribble complex equations on the wall.

Susan was very worried about him, but whenever she tried to talk to about how he was feeling, he just gave her a weak smile and talked about something else, after assuring her he was in fact quite sane, and it was actually the world that was going slowly mad.

"Am I a man with the head of a cockroach or a cockroach with the body of a man?" he asked her once.

"A man with the head of a cockroach," she assured him.

He shook his head. "Perhaps I only think I am. Perhaps somewhere there is a cockroach with the head of a man who thinks he is a cockroach. A cockroach—of a cockroach—to a cockroach—a cockroach—O cockroach!"

"What?" Susan asked, blinking.

"Why is a mouse when it spins? Wait, I have it!"

"Have what?" Susan asked, but Cockroach was busy muttering to himself and writing notes on his sleeve.

Link came up to her and patted her on her ankle. "Let him go," he said. "He's just having a relapse."

"A relapse?" she asked.

"When he was first brought here he… he didn't cope well. I mean, none of us did. He spent a month or so like this, before he started coming up with plans to escape and using the rubbish to create bizarre inventions."

"But… he doesn't have any equipment," Susan said. "How's he going to make anything? Meihem hasn't let him get any junk."

"I think Monger's talked to Meihem about it, don't worry," Link said. "He'll be fine once he gets to inventing, don't worry. The one you should be worried about is Renee."

"I know," Susan said with a sigh. "She's dealing with this badly. She's just closed herself off completely. She hasn't laughed, she hasn't smiled, she hasn't shouted, she hasn't got angry, she's just… just going through the motions. Like a robot. Like her heart has been frozen. I feel so… so guilty. I wish I'd never asked her to come here. I wish I'd never…." Susan's face darkened, and she balled her hands into fists, then she sighed heavily. "Oh, what's the use? This is all my fault. If I'd never lost my temper in Vegas, none of this would have ever happened. I'm far too big and strong to ever get mad, because when I do, people die. Even if I don't want them to."

"Hey! None of that!" Link said. "You didn't do a damn thing wrong in Modesto on Halloween! You saved the town when you took out that huge pumpkin thing—the Pumpking, or whatever you call it. There we go! Did I just see a smile? I did! Come on, Suzie-Q! This isn't about you, it's about us: they hate us monsters, and always have. For one brief moment we got some respect, but nah, it's back to normal, now. This is normal for us. It always has been, it always will be."

"No… no, it can't be," Susan said, staring around at the great hexagonal chamber that was now her entire world. She felt the tears come once again, and headed back to her room before she broke down completely in front of the others. She had been allowed to keep Pussy Boots, her old childhood stuffed toy, and now she lay on the floor, holding him tight, and wishing beyond wishing that she was still ten years old, and that her parents could come into her room and make everything better again.

The next afternoon, Susan looked up from the television as one of the doors hissed open and Meihem drove in in his jeep.

"Attention!" Monger barked, jumping up and saluting.

Susan slowly stood up, resisting the temptation to give Meihem's jeep a swift kick, and saluted, as did the other monsters.

"Right, listen up," Meihem called. "There's been a further reorganization of the Monster Containment Facility. Area 52 has become too well known. Its security is compromised. Under Policy Directive M911, effective as of this morning, the Monster Force is hereby disbanded. This facility will be re-designated as the new command centre for the Vaalbaran Protectorate."

"What?"

"The what?"

"Disbanded?"

"General!"

Meihem ignored the sudden outburst. "You will be given your new assignments and locations in the next few days. All questions are to be directed to Captain Heller. Dismissed."

"But General!" Susan called.

"I said dismissed!" Meihem shouted. He returned to his jeep and left, leaving the monsters standing in stunned silence.

"What's… what's going to happen to us?" Susan eventually said, her voice quiet.

"I... I don't know," Cockroach said. "I guess… I mean, I would assume we will be sent to a new location. A more secret one, as Area 52 is now so well known."

"Area 53?" Bob asked.

"General? Any hints as to what's going on in that idiot's thick skull?" Link asked.

"First, Meihem is not an idiot, and second, it's not him making the decisions," Monger said. "This comes from higher up. The Pentagon, the White House, Congress, or somewhere."

"Section 31?" Susan asked.

Monger snorted. "No such thing. Pure conspiracy theory. And I should know. And third, I have no more knowledge of why we are being relocated than you do."

"It's the Obama administration," Link muttered. "The government wants us hidden away again, powerless."

"Eureka!"

Susan and the others whirled at the cry from Cockroach.

"Powerless! Of course! Hidden away! Oh, I've been so blind!"

"About what, Doc?" Link asked.

"This has nothing to do with Susan," Cockroach said, cackling loudly. "She's just the excuse! Think! Why are we being isolated and imprisoned just as these new aliens have arrived! Coincidence?"

"You think they want us kept out of the way?" Monger asked. "Why?"

"They're up to something! They must have arrived here long before, and been in hiding! That incident with the pumpkins—we know that was them. And there might have been others! The French snail—was that really a nuclear reactor? Or was it aliens?"

"You make it sound like everything was aliens," Monger scowled. "They don't control the government, so that doesn't explain our confinement."

"There's a link, I know," Cockroach muttered. "And I'm going to find it! By Darwin's beard, I swear it!"

Susan headed wearily out to breakfast the next morning. She had not slept well, wondering what was going to happen to them, where they would end up. She hoped it would be somewhere with nicer scenery, and that maybe they could live on the surface for once. That might help make their confinement a little more pleasant.

She sat down and listlessly greeted the others, then realized someone was missing. "Where's Link?"

"She's gone!" came a desperate yell. "She's gone! Where's she gone?"

"Link? Who's gone?" Susan asked, twisting around. She could see him standing outside the titanic moth's chamber, looking inside.

"Insecto! She's gone!" he cried again. "Monger! What have you done with her? Where's she gone?"

"I haven't done a thing with her," Monger replied in a calmer voice. He took out his walkie-talkie. "Monger to Meihem. Come in. Come in. Monger to Meihem. Respond, please."

"He's not there?" Susan asked.

"He's there, all right," Monger snarled. "Fine. Ironmonger to Meihem. Please respond."

"This is Captain Heller for General Meihem. What is it, Ironmonger?"

"What do you mean, 'what is it'? Where in tarnation's Insectosaurus?"

"As per the redeployment of the former Monster Force personnel, the monster known as Insectosaurus has been transferred to a new location."

"Where?" Monger spat.

"That is on a need to know basis," Heller replied. "The rest of you will be getting your new assignments within the next few days. Heller out."

"Wait, damn you!" Monger shouted, but he was only rewarded with static.

"NOOO!" Link shrieked, his voice echoing off the metal walls.

"She's gone, she's gone, she's gone, she's gone," Bob started repeating.

"Link? Hey, we'll find her, I promise!" Susan called. "Don't worry. We'll get her back!"

"How?" Renee asked as the green fish-ape slowly staggered back to his cell, not looking at them.

"Where there's a will, there's a way," Cockroach said. "Chin up, my dear."

"There's no way, you idiot," Renee snapped. "We're stuck down here and can't do a damn thing. Prisoners! Why the hell did I ever come here?"

"General, do you have any idea where Insecto might be?" Cockroach asked.

Monger shook his head, his eyes narrowed. "None, dammit," he muttered. "Damn that Meihem."

"Oh? I thought it wasn't his fault, that he was just following orders?" Renee asked, more than a trace of sarcasm in her voice.

"It may or may not be his decision to relocate Insecto, but it damn well is his to pick up his damn phone! Instead I get fobbed off—again—by a flunky! Coward!"

"I hope Link's gonna be okay," Susan said, biting her lip and looking towards his cell.

"We have to find out who's behind this reorganization, and stop them," Cockroach said.

"How?" Renee shot. "How can we do that? Even if we could find the people in charge, how do we get them to change their mind? What happens if we all get shipped out to different places? What then? Fuck, I knew should never have fucking agreed to come!" She burst into a blaze of white light, her eyes glowing red.

Susan averted her eyes from the glare. "I'm sorry, Renee, I really am. I never expected it would end up like this. I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? What good does sorry do?" Renee spat, returning to her normal form. "You keep saying that, and I'm sick of it!"

"Settle down," Monger called. "Arguing again won't help us!"

"General, you've got to help us escape!" Cockroach said. "Before we're taken away to Dawkins knows where!"

"I will not!" Monger retorted. "We obey orders in this man's army! I want to hear no more nonsense!"

"'I was just following orders' is a coward's excuse," Cockroach spat.

"Silence!" Monger shouted. "The lot of you are behaving disgracefully! I will not hear another word about this!"

"Then leave," Link muttered under his breath. "Coz I ain't done complaining, not by a long shot!"

"Nor have I!" Renee spat. "I'll never give in!"

Susan looked down at them, then around at the bare chamber she was in, and sighed. This was it. This was her life. There was nothing more to be done. "I have…."

.

NOTES:

Sorry for the delay in posting this. Another case of a chapter getting away on me, and needing to be chopped in two (not that the next part is done yet). Otherwise it would be over 7,000 words long. Getting the emotional beats and in the right order was hard, and I'm still not sure it's ideal. But instead of second- and third- and fourth-guessing myself, I might as well post it and hope it works.

The title's from a poem by Yeats, The Second Coming:
Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world…

"Why is a mouse when it spins?" is from Doctor Who, what the Fourth Doctor says soon after his regeneration when he is still not settled into his new body. "A cockroach—of a cockroach—to a cockroach—a cockroach—O cockroach!" is modified from Alice in Wonderland when Alice is trying to determine her sanity. The original, of course, uses "mouse" as Alice runs through the Latin cases (sort of).

Anyway, I'll try and get the next chapter finished a little sooner.