Chapter 21

"You shall have joy, or you shall have power, said God; you shall not have both"

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I may need to set the record straight on something. Under no circumstances do I want you to think that I experienced no joy. Despite Claire's death there were still two very special people in my life, Lyn and Michael. Because of these remarkable siblings I enjoyed the bounty of unconditional love. This is not to say Alexander did not love me, he did, but his bizarre interpretation of love was destructive. Too many people had been hurt because he loved me or more specifically his vision of me. If not for the devotion of my brother and sister I am convinced my heart would have been consumed by hate, turning me into a carbon copy of the ogre who was my father. As far as Katherine was concerned there was no hope of ever receiving her love and that I could accept but regardless of her feelings or lack of I couldn't hate her, for without Katherine none of the people I held close to my heart would have ever existed and for that I remain eternally grateful. Yes, I am very much aware of what Michael became and in no way do I forgive him his actions, but during this time he was innocent and unspoiled and I loved him.

The human psyche is amazingly resilient; it's remarkable what we can learn to tolerate and accept as normal. I was no longer surprised by the dealings of my father; disappointed and embittered yes but the ability to shock me was gone, or so I thought. And with that evolution I believed a little of his control was gone as well. I began to set some of my own paths, tried to determine what I liked. Unfortunately many of the things that I found pleasure in pleased Alexander by default. My intention was not to satisfy his conception of the perfect son but to satisfy my desire for strength and independence. The unintended side effect, though unfortunate, couldn't matter. To thine own self be true, words I chose to live by. I began solitary runs in the mornings and enjoyed swimming in the pool with Michael. Lyn and I would go horse back riding almost every evening. In between I read voraciously anything I could get my hands on from Shakespeare to Star Wars comic books to Playboy magazine which were given to me by the barn manager in exchange for some of Alexander's best scotch; I became proficient at picking the locks on his private stash. It was always my intention to be as far away from the dismal echoes of those rooms and hallways as possible, there was nothing inside that house for me.

My heart would sink each time Alexander met me for a run. Futile attempts to sneak out in the hopes of missing him ended up with him running up behind me.

"Alex, you'll never escape me so why bother?"

I would try to out run the bastard but he ran like an antelope catching up to me with his long consistent strides each time I'd tire from a sprint, needless to say at least the old man gave me a goal.

"I'm so pleased to see you taking care of yourself Alex. A fit body leads to a fit mind and it gives us chance to talk."

"Talk, great the last thing I want to do is talk to you. Why can't you just leave me alone?"

"Now is that any way to talk to your father after all I've done for you? All I want is what's best for you and what's best for you is best for the Cambias legacy."

"The only thing I know for certain is I want no part of your legacy, its toxic; keep it and poison yourself; not me. I will not be dragged down by your black heart. "

"You're just angry with me because of Claire; all that dirty business will soon be forgotten, water under the bridge."

Paralyzed by his comment I stopped in my tracks, throwing my hands in the air with annoyance "Are you that obtuse? You think you can kill my mother while I watch and it will be forgotten like the guest list to your last party? Well let me fill you in on a little secret; I'll never forget and I'll never forgive. You will not see victory in the conquest of my soul."

"Alex, let me fill you in on a little secret….everyone's soul has a price, it's my job to know exactly what that price is, and yours …..It's not hard to figure out; you would sell your soul to bring back Claire and to convince yourself that you were not responsible and since that is not possible you would do the next best thing…protect those that are left. Have you noticed how much Lyn is beginning to look like Claire, uncanny don't you think?"

The callous glint in Alexander's eyes was no joke; he may as well have punched me in the gut it would have had the same effect, sucking all the air out of me.

"Ah, I see you get my point, love is your curse, son; compassion your Achilles' heal. You'll have to work on that but for now it suits me quite well. Now let's finish up our run I have a busy morning."

Hatred filled my lungs with each breathe as I watched him head out before me on the trail, grudgingly I followed along. As each foot pressed earth my mind repeated he wins, he wins, he wins; fully aware of his capabilities there was no way I could turn my back on either Michael or Lyn. He wins.

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