Well...a large amount of writer's block..ermm...I'd had the plot in my head for a long time, yet I couldn't really figure out how to write it. But, here it is.

A tune Lily hadn't remembered since she was eleven sounded through her silent, fireless common-room. She didn't even remember where she heard it from, but it played through her head at times, when she was bored or happy. Quietly putting her feet on the spiral stairs, Lily padded her way to her bed. She noticed James first off; his hair was messier than usual, his body extremely inviting. Lily shook that thought off. 'Just because she forgave you, doesn't mean he has.'

"Serves you right. You deserve to sleep in your own horrid evil."

'I know. They wouldn't want it any other way.'

Lily pulled her clothes off in the bathroom and changed into large pajama pants and an even larger shirt that hung to her knees. The comforter was warm against her cold skin, and the feather pillow provided almost heavenly relief to the ache in her neck. She was fast asleep within minutes of laying down, hoping that the knowledge that she had her best friend back was enough to stop the night terrors that had plagued her for so long.

It didn't.

"It's your fault we're dead. If you had been better, if you had done what They told you to do, we would still be alive," Aunt Faith growled. She looked awful, with missing pieces of flesh revealing the bone and tendons on her body. The dress she'd been buried in was molded and ripped and hung loosely off her decaying shoulders. The smell alone was enough to make Lily vomit.

"They knew you would screw up, you always screw up. The only plus for you is that you haven't said anything yet. But you will, you'll muck it up. And They'll know. They always know," Sirius's rich voice whispered into Lily's ear. "They're going to make sure you regret every single screw-up you've done, which is a lot, so I suggest you start preparing."

Try as she might, she couldn't stop that dreadful stutter as Lily began trying to apologize. "I-I-I-I a-a-am-am s-s-s-so-sor-sor-sorry-" but James didn't let her finish. She saw him in his plaid pajama pants that hung low on his slim hips, but the skin she saw had been torn away in places, he was missing gobbets of flesh in the shape of human bite wounds. "They found me. Bit me to death They did, you wretch. Both of Them took chunks out of me, and bit my neck open because you couldn't do anything right! I'll kill you...no, wait. I'm going to do worse to you. I'm going to let you live," he pondered this thoughtfully while Brittney glared from eyeless sockets. "Yes, I'll make you wish I would kill you, but I'm going to bring you to the brink of hell, and then I'm going to stop just long enough for you to think you're safe."

"You're never safe," Logan growled from a voice long past use. Her twin barked out a harsh laugh. "You're going to slip up, tell someone what happened, and we'll know. He'll know and He'll come for you. He'll know when you screw up and He'll make you regret ever breathing.

"Lily, you're a waste of space. You're an incompetent fool who deserves every bit of punishment she's going to get. We'll start now." Remus rumbled as he morphed into a large wolf and lunged for her with his mouth wide. James suddenly appeared behind her and pinned her arms behind her back as the beast tore into her stomach. She fought the man who held her violently, trying to stay conscious as the pain enveloped her body.

James woke at the soft rustling of bed-sheets. He opened his eyes, confused at the new sound in the room. He turned to face what caused him to wake and to his surprise, found Lily in her bed with her eyes shut, but her sleep was far from peaceful. She was thrashing around the sweat-soaked sheets with a face that twisted into a look of pain. Her too-skinny arms were pinned to the bed as though someone were holding them there. "S-s-or-sor-sorry!" She mumbled. James watched in horror as the struggling became extremely primal, beyond desperate. "He-he-hel-help-help!" The lithe teenager bolted from his bed to hers and grabbed the bony shoulders in his large hands. He began to shake her, trying to get her away from the night terror that plagued her mind.

She finally opened her eyes, disoriented and extremely afraid. 'He's here, oh shit, I've screwed up and I can't remember!'

The broad-shouldered man above her had a firm grip on her and she lashed out for his face on instinct. She connected with his cheek in a very painful slap, causing his hands to fly to his head. Lily rolled out of bed and fell onto the stone floor. She ran impeccably fast down the stairs despite the pain in her legs. They crumbled beneath her and she fell to her knees. The room swam and she began to gag, which progressed to vomiting. Bile hit the floor with a sickening splash, but Lily still heard James begin to sprint down the stairs in an effort to catch her.

"Evanesco," she yelled hoarsely and bolted out the portrait-hole. The pounding in her head matched the pounding of her feet on the cold floor as she ran to the Room of Adventures for punishment.

'I'm in big trouble.'

"Ha! Trouble doesn't even begin to describe what you'll be in for if you don't shape up."

Morning came all too slow for Lily. Heartburn from the severe amount of puking she'd done seemed to try and ignite her parched throat.

At long last, after a grueling loss to Ravenclaw, winter had come. Lily hadn't chosen to

play on the Gryffindor Quidditch team any longer; however Brittney had taken her place as seeker.

The days were too long. Lily had no idea on what to do because food hardly stayed down long enough for her to digest it and she hadn't gotten more than 3 hours of sleep the past week. She'd dreaded sleeping, but didn't have enough energy to stay awake. James, Brittney, Remus, they were all suspicious and they had every right to be. She was incompetent at keeping the past away from the present. She was always incompetent. Always a mistake. Never good enough.

Her legs barely held her up anymore. When walking Lily could actually feel her lower body tremble with the effort of staying upright. Doing anymore than a fast walk caused dizzy spells, yet she still ran, swam, fought and jumped until she was too exhausted to move. Thankfully winter holiday was the next Tuesday and everyone was going home, which Lily hoped would give her the break away she needed to get her twisted mind back in order. Didn't happen. As it would turn out James was staying behind as well, and Lily knew he'd watch her like a hawk. So she avoided him at all costs.

"Is everything ok?" he asked one night when he'd walked up behind her. James touched her shoulder gently and Lily nearly freaked. She flinched instinctually away from him and pressed her bony back into the wall.

"It's perfectly ok!" Lily whispered in response, barely trusting herself to speak louder. "Why shouldn't it be ok?"

"Because you seem...different, for lack of a better term." he'd taken a small step to her, which caused her body to tense visibly. "I know that it's an understatement. You're not the same as you were at the end of last year."

"I'm fine...hormones, puberty you know," Lily forced out with a fake smile. "I'm just trying to adjust to the change is all."

"Uh-huh, listen, Lily I-" He started but Lily cut him off

"Oh look! Time for me to run, gotta head to the shower...Places to go, people to see!" She took off at a brisk walk down the hall, leaving James once again alone and confused.

Once James was out of sight, Lily leaned against the wall, trying to calm her legs and stop the pounding in her head. "You're gonna screw it all up. Sixteen years of silence and you're going to blubber it all away like some fool who doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut!"

"I'm trying...Dear God I'm trying..." Lily whispered to the silent hall. She began to softly bang her head against the stone behind her.

Tuesday had come and gone. The castle was nearly empty, save for the few orphans, James and Lily. It was early Friday evening when things had gone completely haywire.

James had gone to bed early, complaining of a headache. Lily followed about an hour later. She lay in bed, staying as quiet as possible but never allowing herself to sink into the world of nightmares. She twisted around, pushing the duvet off of her to keep from becoming too relaxed. 'This isn't working.'

"Because you're not doing it right you twit."

She slid out of bed noiselessly, slipping on her shoes and tip-toeing silently out of the door and towards the quidditch pitch.

James opened his eyes once he heard the door leave and the last sound in the room was the swoosh of his invisiblity cloak going over his shoulders. He caught sight of her now dull red hair around the corner of one corridor. It wasn't until she opened the main doors that he realized she was going to the field. 'She can't fly at night, so what's the point of going down there?'

The pitch had been removed of snow, but a slick frost still clung to the blades of grass, freezing them in place. James leaned on the Hufflepuff side of the arena, curious to see where and what Lily did every night. He watched her pull her hair into a ponytail at the nape of her neck, noticing -with a bit of worry - that she couldn't use her left arm above shoulder height.

Lily began to jog around the field. It seemed harmless enough to James, until she began running faster and faster. He could hear her panting from nearly directly across the pitch. Lily stopped suddenly, pivoting. She ran straight down the middle of the field. Soon there was back-hand springs, flips, pivots, jumps and sudden stops. She yelled hoarsely and began a set of lines, then a front tumble and as she landed, her ankle rolled painfully. James heard her gasp echo and saw her fall to the ground and grasp her leg and bite her lip.

A quiet moment followed. James heard her grunt and stand, stomping her bad leg into the ground. She took off at a faster speed than ever, doing more gymnastics and purposly landing on her ankle. It was another 10 minutes before she finally limped slowly to the showers, her body tense and drenched in sweat.

James followed her into the locker room 15 minutes after she'd gone in. He found the door ajar enough for him to slip through and found her bent over the sink, staring at the shards of glass from the mirror in the bowl. Her hair was wet, a towel hung next to her and the smell of her shampoo hung in the air.

James slipped off the cloak and started talking to her with his eyes fixed on her bloody hands. "What the hell are you doing, Lily?"

She jumped, cringing first from his tone of vioce and then from the pain of putting weight on her bad foot. "What do you mean?" she snapped in reply. "I'm doing nothing!"

"Bollocks! What happened to you Lily? You're skin and bones! You're not eating, you're not sleeping, you don't say anything to anyone anymore! You have bruises, along with a messed up shoulder, a gimp, and a bad attitude! Whatever it is, say it now or get over it!" James barked.

"There's nothing wrong! I'm fine! Back off, Potter!"

"So you're just going to turn away when we repeatedly offer our help to you?" His voice dropped dangerously, but Lily was far to angry to care. They didn't need to check up on her. She was doing fine punishing herself on her own.

"That's exactly what I'm going to do Potter! Now get away from me you nosey bastard!"

James gave her a disgusted look. "I thought you were better. That's extremely selfish of you, Evans." He watched her tense visibly through the shoulders as she stopped from her walking to the door. Her voice had an unusual, almost maniac strain on it and it made him slightly nervous.

"Selfish? Is that what you think I am? Selfish?" she whirled to face him. Lily's eyes had gone that eerie dark green-almost black color; the look on her face made it very obvious that he'd struck a large nerve. "Does being selfish include cleaning after your mother when she was too drunk to do it herself? Does being selfish include being 4 years old and getting called a mistake when you tried to help her with one of her morning-after pills and her hangover so she wouldn't yell at you? Does being selfish include telling her you loved her as she brought one of her clients to her bedroom, just so she might once, just once say something that didn't make you feel like the scum of the earth?" Lily had taken a small step toward him, making him back into the lockers. Her voice rose into a very angry yell. "Does being selfish include never crying so your mother wouldn't hate you more than she did, even when I watched her die in front of me on my sixth birthday?"

"Does being selfish include taking the beatings for your sister's mistakes so she wouldn't have to suffer? Does being selfish mean literally getting beat to within an inch of my life so my sister wouldn't? Does being selfish include being terrified to go home after getting beat up and picked on at school? Does being selfish mean saying you'd called the police instead of your sister when He broke my arm? Am I selfish for not crying when he shot himself four months after that?" she had him against the lockers. He began to worry more when she didn't stop advancing.

"Am I selfish for saving my aunt, the only adult who'd ever given a damn about me? Am I selfish for not telling her Voldemort was after her so she wouldn't have to worry? Am I selfish for feeling guilty when she was murdered because of me? AM I FUCKING SELFISH TO YOU, POTTER? WHAT'S YOUR VERDICT? AM I THE SELFISH BITCH EVERYONE'S COME TO KNOW?" Lily was less than half a foot from his face, her teeth bared and a dangerous glint in her eyes. Her breathing was labored as she watched his shocked face for a reaction. James racked his brain for something to say, but all that came out were sputters.

"I- w-we- I'm-" His incoherent stutters washed over Lily. As her breathing slowed, her brain came back into function, and the full realization of what she'd just done hit her like a ton of bricks.

Gone was the angry stance and the loud voice. Gone was everything agressive about her. She now had the look of a caged animal that knew it was about to die. Lily limped towards the door, her breath quickening into sharp, shallow pants. "I wasn't supposed to say anything..."

"Lily..." James found his voice and he reached his hand out; Lily shied away as though it were death itself reaching for her, but in her mind he was. He was the reincarnation of the father who made sure his daughter knew how much he hated her.

The red color her face had drained quickly, replaced instead by white. Lily's eyes were the emerald green again; they had a dullness and at the same time an extreme shine, but she wouldn't look James in the eyes. No, she focused on his hands, his large, powerful, very painful looking hands. "I was supposed to shut up-" she panicked. Her face contorted into one of utter terror, her body trembled and her hands had formed fists. James looked down and noticed the blood dripping from her clenched palms. He took a step out towards her with what he thought was a comforting demeanor, but she backed up. Lily's hands had begun to feel for the door. "I-I have to go..." she breathed. At that time, her hands grabbed the door handle, swung it open and ran as fast as she could through the snow towards the castle. James chased after her but she'd gotten a good distance. The snow falling down obscured her somewhat.

Panting hard, she sprinted inside the castle doors, completely forgetting all sense of stealth. The pain in her ankle was swept up in the rush of adrenaline she now had coursing through her. Through the corridors, up the stairs, and without thinking she screamed the password at the painting and dashed up her stairs and into the bathroom.

She gasped for breath and the realness of what she'd done, what she'd been forbidden on the pain of death to do replayed again and again in her brain. Lily ran the back of her hand over her forehead, wiping the sweat that had formed. What to do...what to do? Where was that damned voice? "Haha. I knew you would screw up you worthless fool! He's big, and He's strong, and He's going to make you wish you'd never learned to talk. I wonder what he'll do...hit your stomach? You're always weaker around the stomach...might've been the number of kicks you'd gotten. What do you think, Mistake?"

'Oh no..what do I do? How do I get out of here? I'm in a corner...dammit!'

Lily's breathing had changed to short breaths as she looked in her bathroom mirror. She shut the door she'd come through, and then slammed her fists into the glass in front of her. It shattered and fell into the sink, where she continued her pounding. "DAMMIT!"

As she raised her arms for another strike, she heard the portrait slam. Blood slowly dripping down her arms, she froze, terror coursing through her. "What do I do?" she whispered out loud. She whispered "Nox" to the light that had automatically come on when she opened the door and waited with baited breath as she heard footsteps going up the stairs. 'How do I get out of here?' her stomach was in knots, she was on the verge of retching, yet she dared not move.

The steps that made their way to the bathroom door that joined the two bedrooms of the dormitory sounded like the footfalls of death. As the handle turned, Lily stopped breathing entirely. The door opened, and the light flooded the room.

James froze in the doorway, staring at Lily, who was frozen 3 feet away from him. He watched her eyes dart around in a frenzy, and he realized she was looking for a way to bolt. Lily's eyes fixed on a spot to his left, and he saw it was the door to the room that was supposed to be hers. She threw a glance at him, then at the door again, then with immense speed, lurched to the door. She crowded the handle, and got it a foot open before James moved behind her and slammed it shut. She jumped for the door that was left ajar in James's wake, but he shut it as her hand slid down the wood.

She whirled to face him, limping a 180 degree turn and then backing up slowly. James advanced and she retreated. Her breath hitched constantly, and her eyes were trained on his hands. She never looked up to see the concern written on his face. Lily flinched as her shoulder-blades touched the shower wall. She'd backed herself into a corner with no way out.

James looked her up and down. There was literally almost nothing there. Her hair was dull, her eyes terrified, and her legs were trembling violently. She began to wipe her hands on her jeans, and when he reach his hand out, they flew to cover her belly. Lily started sliding once, and her legs fought to hold her up. "Lily..." he whispered sadly, and he watched her wince as he started to speak. The trembling got worse. "What happened, Lily?"

Lily's eyes shut tightly, and as she opened her mouth, her legs gave from beneath her. She kept waiting for the sickening crunch of her knees on the floor and then Him to begin his torture, but it never came. Two strong arms grabbed her and pulled her to another body. She whimpered and went rigid in James's embrace and his heart broke for her. "Lily," he whispered again and he heard her teeth chattering in fear. He pulled her up and carried her to the bathroom sink and set her down after clearing the class. She recoiled from him and backed up as far as she could, her eyes still watching his hands. A long silence ensued. The only thing heard was her labored breathing, which got quicker and shallower with each passing moment.

James slowly reached out and turned on the faucet next to her. She jumped as the water hit the sink. He reached and slid his fingers gently along her wrist, capturing it in a soft but firm grip. Holding her hand over the basin, he began to gently pick the glass out of her hand. "Relax your hand, please," he said softly, and with great effort, she did so.

James's mind reeled as he cleaned her hands. He felt horrible for ever fighting with his parents. All the times he'd gotten angry at them when they'd said no to some hair-brained and dangerous scheme, all the times he'd talked horribly to and about them. And here was this woman who's mother never wanted her...who's father...beat her. That someone could do that to another human being...to their own flesh and blood sickened him. He began to wonder what life would have been like if she'd had a proper family. How different would she be? And then he began to ponder about why they hated her like they did. Why they felt they could do that to their own child. The one thought that ran repeatedly across his mind was that she was afraid of her parents. She was terrified of them, and thus became afraid of people in general. Her first eperiences were negative. Harsh words, harsh feelings, beatings (he had the hardest time wrapping his mind around that one).

He said nothing to her while he worked and only absently noticed her quick, shallow gasps, he barely registered her pulse, which was shallow, fast and eratic. Her parents never wanted her. She was afraid of her own family. He was never afraid of his parents, he trusted them with his life, with everything. She probably never slept when with them. She wondered how to avoid getting hurt and did anything she could to save herself the pain. He angered at the fact that her father would do such horrible things to such a beautiful, precious woman. His own daughter. In his irritation, he gripped harder than necessary and in the distance he heard her sharp gasp and wimper. He immediately released her other hand, thankful the last of the glass was out.

Instead of grabbing for her again, he held out his hand and waited for her to give her own to him. She had snapped her arms back and wrapped them protectively around her middle. 'He'd beat her there. She's afraid of me because of Him...because she thinks I'll hurt her the same way.' That thought made him sicker. She'd finally, very hesitantly, place her hand out to meet his. He watched her whole arm positively shake. He tried to be as gentle as he could, tried to convey that he wouldn't hurt her. He had no problem fighting someone who needed to be fought...but to hurt an innocent little girl? To have the teen version terrified of him? He didn't want to stomach it.

Conjuring up some gauze, James began to very lightly bandage her hands. He didn't want to touch too hard in fear of scaring her more than she was now or breaking her. Soon, her hands were covered in soft white bandages and the instant he let go, she sucked her hands to wrap protectively around her and watched his wrists like a hawk. She began to panic more as silence surrounded them. She was quiet out of terror of saying the wrong thing, he out of shock. What did one say to someone who'd been in this situation? Did they back up? Did they get close? Did they offer condolences? Or should they just wait for her to say something. After many long and tense moments, James finally broke the silence.

"Wh-...what...why didn't you say anything?" he asked finally. "Please look at me." after a short while, her eyes flickered up to his, and then down again. "Please, look." and she slowly brought her gaze to his and he watched as she quit breathing. The muscles in her neck stood out. "Why didn't you tell anyone?"

He looked at her and he could see the gears turning in her head. She was looking for hte answer that would bring her the least pain. "Just be honest, that's all I ask," he said softly. She went mute for a bit again, and slowly began to speak.

"I-I...d-d-did'n't w-wa-want t-to b-b-be-"she stopped, her breath going quickly. She forced herself to speak slowly, and the stutter sort of went away. The letters she would fumble on became one long sound. "I..didn't...want to be...h-hum-humiliated anymore..." after, the words came in a rush. "I was scared of what you would think. I didn't want to lose you or Brittney or anyone else. I didn't want to get made fun of again. I was told I would get beaten if I did. They said no one would want to be my friend...I..." she stopped, looking anywhere but James's penetrating eyes. He was very large and very close. Her eyes dropped to his fists. He noticed and slowly brought them up.

"Where do you want my hands so they don't scare you so much?"

With great hesitation, she touched his wrists, crossing them. It would take time for him to unfurl them and give her longer to prepare. "What was the last reason?"

Her eyes darted around again, looking for another way to get out, but there was none. She was trapped. "I...didn't know it would be ok..." she shut her eyes and turned her face, waiting, preparing for the blows to come. Tears began to form as the seconds ticked by. Was he going to let her wait it out until she thought she was safe? Was he wondering what to do?

"Lily, look at me," James uttered quietly and waited for her to bring her face up to his. "What...what they did to you was horrible. You were alone and terrified and they were selfish enough to blame you for their problems." she looked down sharply at her lap where his lax hands lay. "They embarrassed you, didn't they?"

"They said I wa-was...a mistake," the grip on his hands tightened, and two drops of liquid shame fell onto his skin. "They said I was the c-cause of everything ba-bad..." two more drops fell.

"It was their fault," James leaned down and murmered into her hair. And he moved his arms so she was pulled flush against him, then wrapped them around her. He felt her tense quickly, but he hushed her gently. One arm draped around his neck, the other under his arm and around his back. "They beat you, and they humilated you, but you didn't deserve it. You're with people who love you now, and I will never, ever hurt you. I will keep you safe, no matter what. I promise."

Lily blinked, her eyelashes brushing against the side of his neck where her head lay. He smelled as he always did. The scent comforted her. His embrace was like a wall from the evil of the world. Nothing could get her as long as she was held by him...and this was one of maybe five times she'd been held by someone. It hit her like a ton of bricks. The utter relief that she was with someone she trusted sank in. The knowledge that she wasn't alone anymore overwhelmed her. The knowlege that James would protect her broke down the walls she'd built up during her entire existence. And then...

For the first time in her life...

She cried.