Chapter 21---Time to Let the Healing Begin

It had been three weeks since Kinch's death and funeral. Colonel Hogan was seated at the table in the common room holding up a cup of hot coffee in both of his hands. He continued staring into the dark liquid. Things had been difficult immediately following Kinch's burial in the prisoner-of-war cemetery. Hogan had somehow held it together during the burial. But as he now sat at the table staring into his coffee, he allowed his mind to wander.

Kinch, I will always be proud of you. Don't ever forget that, my friend, Hogan told himself. He promised when the war ended, he would recommend Kinch receive a medal not only for his service to his country, but to the operation. He took a drink of coffee. He had mailed a letter to Kinch's parents enclosing his dog tags about one week ago. Another job he hated.

Now, three weeks later, his team had noticed their commanding officer had not bounced back; in fact, he became more and more depressed as time went on. They wracked their brains trying to come up with something to put a smile back on the Colonel's face, and the twinkle back in his eyes. Finally, they figured it would just take time. But they would keep a close watch on their commander for now.

Finally, as the fourth week began with no change in his commanding officer, Carter couldn't take it. He left his chemistry lab below and climbed up into the barracks. Hitting the hidden mechanism, the young Sergeant waited until the ladder rose and the bunk dropped over the opening before he approached the table where Hogan was sitting. Grabbing an empty coffee cup, Carter poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down. He took a sip, his eyes focused on the Colonel.

After awhile, Hogan felt Carter's eyes on him and turned his head to look at him. "What can I do for you, Carter?" he asked in a rather bland voice.

"Colonel, can we talk?" Carter asked seriously.

Hogan took a drink of coffee. "Carter, I really don't feel like talking right now."

"That's okay. You don't have to talk, sir, if you don't want to. In fact, I would prefer it if you just listen. Can you at least do that, Colonel?"

Hogan shrugged as he took another drink of coffee. He didn't respond.

Carter chose his words carefully. "Colonel, I know you miss Kinch. We all do. Always will. But I know you'll miss him more than the rest of us because the two of you were friends since childhood. But it's time to let yourself start to heal, sir."

Hogan didn't reply. He just resumed staring into his coffee cup.

But being met with silence from Hogan, did not deter Carter. "Colonel, you have to let your grief out sometime. There were moments you let yourself grieve during Kinch's funeral and later at the prisoner cemetery when we buried him. But since then, you haven't let yourself grieve or let go of your pent-up feelings at all. Colonel, it's like you've completely shut down and you're shutting us out as well. I mean, you don't talk to us or anybody else, you eat just enough to stay alive, and other than that, the only time you come out of your quarters is for roll call. We need you, Colonel. We feel like we're losing you."

Hogan's eyes glanced at the young Sergeant. "You're not losing me, Carter," he finally said. "I'm still here."

"You're here physically, sir. But emotionally and mentally you're not. As I said, Colonel. We need you. All of you. But we're losing you slowly. Don't take this the wrong way, sir, but it feels like we're watching you die before our eyes and can't do anything to save you." Carter bowed his head and stared at his hands. "Of late, sir, we have the feeling you want to die just so you leave us; that you don't want to be with us anymore," he said his voice breaking. "I don't think we could stand to lose you on top of losing Kinch."

This time, Hogan looked at Carter, his own eyes full of pain and shiny. He could see the young Sergeant's pain believing his commander didn't care anymore about them or anything else, and that wasn't true.

"Carter…" Hogan began.

Without warning, Carter jumped out and ran out of the barracks, slamming the door leaving Hogan staring after him. Then, coffee cup in hand, Hogan got his feet and walked into his quarters, closing the door.

What's happening to me? Hogan asked himself. My men think I don't want to be with them anymore. They think I want to die just so I can get away from them. They feel they're losing me. Have I shut down that much? Hogan sat his coffee cup on his desk and began to pace. Kinch, have I really shut my men out completely? I wish you were here to tell me if they're right.

Hogan felt a stinging in his eyes and squeezed them shut. The tears began rolling down from under his lashes. Opening his eyes, Hogan sat down on his lower bunk, burying his face in his hands. He began sobbing uncontrollably and couldn't stop.

Later that evening while LeBeau was preparing dinner, Carter, Baker, and Newkirk were seated at the table. Newkirk was smoking a cigarette. The others noticed Carter looked like he had just lost his best friend with his chin resting on both clenched fists.

"Carter, what's wrong?" asked Newkirk, worried.

Carter looked up as he rested his arms on the table top. "I think I might have made things worse with Colonel Hogan," he said.

Newkirk, Baker and LeBeau all exchanged troubled looks.

"What did you do, Carter?" asked LeBeau, suspicious.

"Well, I talked to the Colonel earlier today."

As LeBeau made clucking noises, Newkirk rolled his eyes. "Are you crackers or what? What did you bloody do that for? You know the Gov'nor's been depressed since Kinch died. You shoulda left him alone."

"What did you say to him, Carter?" asked Baker quietly.

"I told him we felt like he was shutting down and we were losing him. I also told him it felt like we were watching him slowly die and couldn't do anything about it."

"Oh that's bloody great, Carter," Newkirk stated more angry that he intended. "You shoulda just left it alone. The Gov'nor will bounce back when he's ready and not before."

"But it's been four weeks already and he's just getting more and more depressed. I felt I had to do something to reach him before we lose him," Carter explained to the Englander. "I don't know about you guys…" he began looking from Newkirk to LeBeau and back. "…but I don't want to lose the Colonel on top of losing Kinch. Somebody had to try and reach him." He hung his head again. "I just wish I knew whether I went too far with what I said."

Baker looked at Newkirk. "I agree with Carter," he said quietly. He saw LeBeau and Newkirk staring at him in disbelief. "Look, I know I'm the new guy on the team, but even I've noticed Colonel Hogan's been shutting himself off from the rest of us. And I don't agree that leaving it alone is the right thing to do. I mean, if it was just the Colonel alone at home, that's one thing. But here, he's responsible for over one thousand men, his unit, and whatever missions London gives him. We need him. We all do."

Newkirk and LeBeau exchanged looks. Then, the Englander looked at Carter. "We're sorry, Carter. Didn't mean to yell at you. We're just as worried about the Gov'nor as you and Baker. I just wish I knew if what you said reached him."

They all turned at the sound of Hogan's door opening and saw the Colonel exit, approaching them with his coffee cup in hand. He poured himself a refill and sat down at the table. He sensed before taking a drink that his men were nervous being in his presence. He took a drink of coffee and then let a small smile appear. He let himself look at Carter who looked scared.

"Thank you, Carter," Hogan said gently. "I didn't realize I was doing what you told me I was doing to you fellas and the others. I guess I sort of withdrew from life for awhile because being part of life meant having to live with Kinch's death."

"Then, you're not angry with me, Colonel?" asked Carter.

"No. Not at all. I'm sorry guys. I really am sorry if I made you worry and feel like I was shutting you all out, and didn't want to be around you anymore." Hogan took a drink of coffee.

"We're here for you, sir," Newkirk told him. "You don't have to go through this alone. We're all gonna miss Kinch for quite some time. Maybe forever. But main thing is, we're here for you if you need us."

"I know," Hogan replied with a sigh. "And it's gonna take me some time. But as Carter pointed out to me, it's time I let the healing begin. And I couldn't do that until I let the feelings I had buried out. It was easier not to deal with them at all. I cried so much in my quarters after you left, Carter, I don't think I have any tears left. I have to admit, though, it felt good to release the pressure that had been building up inside."

"How do you feel now, sir?" asked Baker.

"Better. Not great. But definitely better." Hogan took another drink of coffee. He sighed wearily and looked up at the heavens again.

It'll take time, Kinch, Hogan told himself. Maybe a lot of time. And it's possible we may see each other before this war is over. Then again, maybe not. But I promise you I'll do my best to keep everybody alive and get every man back home after the war has ended. I promise you.

"Something wrong, Colonel?" asked LeBeau, seeing the Colonel's face.

"No, LeBeau. Nothing's wrong. Why do you ask?" Hogan asked looking over his shoulder.

The Frenchman shrugged. "You just looked like you had something troubling you, mon Colonel."

Hogan let out a deep breath. "Everything's fine. Or it will be in time." Hogan let his eyes look upward to the heavens one last time as he continued to sip his coffee.

Goodbye, Kinch.