The following morning just as the sun was beginning to peek through their bedroom window, the newlyweds lay in bed holding each other tightly following a pre-dawn round of satisfying lovemaking. "Wow," Amanda sighed as she snuggled up in bed next to her husband, planting a warm kiss to his bare chest as she tried to catch her breath.
"Yeah," Lee agreed breathlessly as he wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. "So, just how many of those little outfits like the one you wore last night did you buy on that shopping trip with your mom?"
"Oh, that one wasn't actually from the shopping trip with Mother. That one I bought on a shopping trip I took by myself when we were planning our wedding. I had planned to unveil them one by one on our honeymoon, but-" She broke off as a wave of fear gripped her tightly again.
"Hey," he said as he gazed at her, "None of that. You survived it and-"
"We survived it," she corrected as she laid a hand on her abdomen.
Lee laid his hand atop hers and replied with a warm smile, "All three of you."
Amanda glanced at the clock. "You know, the boys are going to be up soon, so we should probably get up before they come knocking on our door."
"Hey, at least we remembered to lock it this time," Lee fired back with a grin.
"Yes, but still, it's better not to have them come knocking while we're still naked," Amanda said as she attempted to get out of bed.
"Not so fast." Lee tugged on her arm and pulled her down for a sweet, lingering kiss. "I love you," he whispered softly as he ran a hand through her hair, unnerved by the underlying sadness he still saw in her eyes.
Amanda smiled back at him, kissed him quickly, then slid out of bed, saying, "I love you too, but I should get in the shower." She pulled on her robe and padded to the bathroom before he could stop her.
He groaned as he got out of bed himself and was about to follow her when he heard the lock click in place. He let out a deep sigh wondering just when she was going to share with him what was going on with her. He reached for his robe, pulled it on and debated whether he should knock on the bathroom door or if it would be just pointless. Deciding on the latter, he left the room and hurried down to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee. He knew he would need it if he were going to get through another day of her shutting him out of whatever was bothering her. He entered the kitchen to find his mother-in-law was already up and had started a pot of coffee.
"Hi, you're up early," Lee greeted her.
"So are you," Dotty replied with a grin. "My daughter's doing, no doubt."
"Uh…yeah," Lee answered. A slight blush crept into his cheeks as he turned to the coffee pot to pour himself a cup. "I…um…I hope we didn't wake you."
"Oh, I'm getting used to the lack of sleep. I was just glad to hear that you're going to be able to move into your new home sooner than expected then I won't have to worry about it anymore."
"You mean our new home," Lee corrected. "You're moving with us, remember?"
"I suppose," Dotty answered, a hint of sadness in her voice as she sat at one of the island stools gazing down into her coffee cup.
"Don't tell me you're thinking of changing your mind," Lee asked worriedly as he took the seat across from her in the hopes that she'd look at him.
Dotty glanced up at her son-in-law. "Be honest, Lee, do you really want me moving with you, getting underfoot while you and Amanda are trying to build your new life together? I mean, you are still newlyweds, after all. You don't want your meddling mother-in-law intruding." She then stood and began pulling items out of the refrigerator busying herself with breakfast preparations.
Lee's jaw clenched at her comment, but trying not to let the hurt show, he asked her, "So, that whole "call me Mom" bit last night. Did you not mean that?"
"Oh, Lee, of course I did," She answered as she continued to work. "I meant every word, I love you like a son, Lee. You've made my daughter and my grandsons, for that matter...You've made them so happy, made this a whole family again."
"No, Dotty, you were a whole family before." He chuckled softly and gestured to the back door. "Do you have any idea how many times I watched all of you interact before you ever knew who I was? It used to make me smile seeing how you all cared for one another, looked out for each other, but it also made me sad too, made me long to be a part of it, so if anyone's intruding here, it's me, not you."
Dotty paused and looked at him curiously for a moment, swearing she saw just a flicker of pain in his eyes before his expression shifted when he caught her staring. "Oh, Lee, that's not tr-"
Lee held up a hand to silence her. "Let me finish. The point that I'm trying to make is that when we move, we wouldn't have a whole family anymore without you."
"Thank you, Lee," Dotty replied warmly. "That means a lot to me."
"Besides..." Lee grinned at her, "...with twins on the way, we're going to need all the help we can get, especially since I'm still trying to figure out how to be a dad."
"Well, here's your chance to get some more practice," Dotty said with a nod to the stairs as they both heard the boys traipsing down them.
"Hey, Fellas," Lee greeted them while they in turn said their good mornings to him.
"Breakfast will be ready soon," Dotty told them. Phillip reached into the cupboard for drinking glasses while Jamie sat at the breakfast table.
While Phillip was pouring glasses of milk for himself and his brother, Lee said, "I gonna' go get the paper," as he set his coffee cup down and headed toward the front door. He returned with a shake of his head saying as he glowered at fresh scratches on his hand, "You know, we're going to have to have a talk with the paper boy about tossing the morning paper in the rose bushes."
"Good luck with that one," Amanda replied as she entered the room dressed for the day. "I've been saying that for a year now." She took his hand in hers and asked in concern, "Did the thorns get you?"
"A little bit. It's not that big a deal," Lee answered stilly as he pulled his hand from hers. "I should go get in the shower." Without another word, he tossed the newspaper onto the counter and hurried up the stairs.
"What was that all about?" Dotty questioned. "Is everything okay?"
"Fine, Mother," Amanda shrugged nonchalantly and turned from her mother to grab a glass out of the cabinet and pour her own glass of milk from the jug Phillip had left on the counter. She greeted her sons with a cheery, "Good Morning," then sat at one of the stools and buried her nose in the paper.
"Amanda..." Dotty said in a warning tone.
"It's nothing, Mother," Amanda replied insistently without looking up as she perused the paper.
"If you say so," Dotty said skeptically.
Amanda looked up for a moment and gave her mother a bright smile. "Really, everything's fine." Her smile soon faded when she turned back to the paper and a particular item caught her eye. She bolted from her seat and barreled up the stairs, barely making it to the hallway bathroom before unloading the contents of her stomach.
"Is mom okay," Jamie asked worriedly from his seat across from his brother.
Dotty let out a deep sigh as she answered with more confidence that she felt, "Of course she is, Jamie. It's just that pregnancy can make a woman sick any time of the day or night." She began piling fresh scrambled eggs on plates for the boys and carried them to the table.
"Is she going to be like that all the time until she has the babies," Phillip inquired. "If so, it seems kind of dumb for a woman to want to have a baby."
"Well, if she didn't want to have babies, you wouldn't be here," Dotty reminded her grandson as she ruffled his hair affectionately. "You know, I'll never forget when I was expecting your mother. I thought your poor grandfather was going to be driven mad with not knowing what was going on with me or what might cause me to lose my breakfast."
"So, it's...it's normal?" Jamie questioned.
"Yes, perfectly normal," Dotty answered with a smile as she returned to the stove, though she couldn't help wondering. Amanda had seemed perfectly fine until she'd picked up the paper. As she sat back down at the island with her own plate and her coffee cup, she picked up the paper for any clue as to what had set her daughter off. She skimmed the page, but didn't find anything that caught her eye as it was turned to the obituary page. She scanned the names for any that sounded familiar, a bit of panic gripping her as she wondered if one of their co-workers had been killed in the line of duty and that was what had upset her.
Lee re-entered the room dressed in his normal suit and tie, glanced around the room and questioned, "Where's Amanda?"
"She got sick again," Phillip answered before Dotty could.
Dotty looked up from the paper and gave her son-in-law a pointed look. In a hushed tone to keep her grandsons from overhearing, she stated bluntly, "Level with me, Lee. What's going on with her?"
He sighed as he sat beside her and answered honestly, "I wish I knew."
"Does it have something to do with this?" She handed him the paper. "She saw something in here that upset her. I looked through it, but nothing stood out. Maybe...maybe since you know more about what's going on with her than I do these days, you'll have better luck."
Lee read through the obits and immediately spotted what had caused his wife's upset and nodded. "Yeah," he said grimly.
"Care to share?"
"I can't...It's class-" He broke off as he remembered how much Dotty had grown to hate that word. "...It's...um...work-related."
"One of your friends?" She inquired.
"No...No, not by a long shot," Lee answered as he took a sip of his coffee and swallowed hard. "You know...I...uh...I should go check on Amanda."
He had just reached the top of the stairs when Amanda exited the hall bathroom. "You okay?" he asked worriedly.
Amanda shook her head and blinked back tears. "I...Um...I don't feel so good. I...uh...I know we're supposed to go back to work today, but could you...could you tell Billy that I'm not up to it?"
"Do you want me to stay home with you?"
She shook her head. "No, we shouldn't both miss work, not when Dr. Smyth worked so hard to get the review board off our backs. It's just...it's been a stressful few days and I think with, you know, a little rest, I'll be fine."
"Yeah, okay," Lee answered with a clenched jaw as he knew that his wife was blatantly lying to him again. "Amanda..."
"You know, I should go lie down," she told him and quickly made her way past him and down the hall to their bedroom closing the door firmly behind her.
Lee sighed and shook his head, trying not to get angry again as he knew Amanda was in some pain, but he couldn't help feeling as if she were shutting him out of it and wished with all his might that he knew how to help her through it without making it worse. He quickly trotted down the stairs grabbed the paper from the counter and said to Dotty, "I'm going to head into the office a little early." He then headed to the door and reached for his coat.
"Wait," Dotty said insistently as she followed him. "You should eat something first."
"I'll grab something on the way," he promised as he pulled his coat on.
"Isn't Amanda going back to work today too?"
Lee shook his head. "She's too sick right now," he responded and without another word exited the house and sprinted toward his car.
Twenty minutes later, he was pacing the length of Dr. Quidd's office gripping the newspaper tightly in his fist. "Come on, Doc, you gotta' give me something here!"
"I don't know what you want from me, Scarecrow. You've been here for every one of Amanda's sessions and you've heard what she's said."
"She's lying, okay? I'm telling you, she's not dealing with this as well as she likes to pretend she is. You're supposed to be the expert here! Shouldn't you be able to spot when someone's being less than truthful with you and do something to help her?"
Quidd sighed. "I can only help her as much as she lets me, I'm afraid. If she's not telling me what's really going on, there's not much that I can do for her. What makes you thinks she's lying anyway?"
"I know her, okay, better than anyone else in this building, including you! I have to know what's going on with her and I don't just mean as her husband, but as her partner too. If I don't know what's going on in her head that could be dangerous for both of us."
"I agree, but-"
"This!" Lee indicated the paper in his hand as he halted in his pacing and thrust it at Quidd. "This is what made her have a meltdown this morning!" He then jabbed at the paper and with added emphasis said, "This right here!"
Quidd nodded in understanding. "I wish I knew what to tell you to do, but at this point until she can deal with this properly all you can do is continue to be there for her for whatever she needs."
"But how the hell am I supposed to do that when she won't tell me what she needs?"
"Just do the best you can."
"Great! That's just great, Doc" Lee snatched the paper back and stormed out of the shrink's office in a fury because he was no closer to helping his wife than he had been before. He let out a deep sigh as he made his way toward the elevator to take him upstairs. "What the hell am I going to do?" he said aloud.
As he rode the elevator back toward the ground floor, he tried to think back to what it had been like for him the first time that he'd had to take someone's life in the line of duty. How had he reacted? What had he done to deal with it? He glanced down again at the paper in his hand, scanned the offending obituary again and said, "Of course."
For the next three hours, he tried his best to concentrate on work, catching up on the paperwork in his overflowing inbox. Once he'd finished with his own he began on Amanda's since she wasn't there to do it. It was the least he could do to help her since she was often stuck with all the paperwork. As he reached the bottom of her pile, it struck him that she hadn't yet signed off on the inquest report regarding the shooting. In fact, there was nothing filled out on it except for her name and the case number, not even McGill's name yet. He knew it was no coincidence that it had been buried under everything else. She was trying to shove it aside just as she was the fact that it had happened in the first place. There was the root of her problem. He glanced at his watch and muttered to himself, "It's about that time." He picked up the phone, called down to Billy's office to tell him that he needed to leave the office for a while then pulled his coat back on and reached for his keys.
As he headed to the door of the Q Bureau, he paused for a moment to stare at Amanda's empty desk. He though how lonely it looked without her there, without the fresh flowers from the garden that she brought in every day, and how sad the philodendrons were starting to look again after she'd so carefully tended to them and nursed them back to health. "Come on, Amanda," he whispered. "We're dying here without you." He shook his head and hurried out the door.
Thirty minutes later, he entered the brightly lit and artificially cheery funeral home with another shake of his head. He hated these places. He'd visited far too many of them in his day. He approached the guest registry, picked up the pen beside and scanned it for Amanda's name. Not surprisingly, she hadn't signed it either. With a flourish of the pen, he signed for both of them and couldn't help smiling slightly at seeing it, Mr. and Mrs. Lee Stetson. His smile soon dissipated as he remembered that he was on a mission. He glanced at the signs around him for the right direction to go and soon found the parlor housing Sally McGill's mourners.
As he entered, he was not surprised to find Amanda sitting alone in the back row of chairs in the furthermost one closest to the door. She was not speaking to anyone, but was staring forward as if mesmerized by what she saw. He wordlessly walked down the row, sank into the seat next to her and slipped his hand into hers, giving it a tight squeeze. She squeezed his hand in return, but kept her gaze straight ahead watching those gathered converse softly, her eyes fixed on the casket at the front of the room.
Once everyone had taken their seats and the service began, he cast the occasional worried look her way as he watched silent tears slip down her cheeks, her grip on his hand tightening while the minister droned on about a life taken too soon. When the time for prayer came, the pressure of her hand was gone as she clasped both hands tightly together and bowed her head, tears still flowing down her face. Was she praying as the rest of the group was for Sally McGill's soul...or for her own. He knew the answer to that without asking...knew she was praying for forgiveness.
When the service finally concluded and the others began to approach the casket to say their final goodbyes, Amanda hurriedly rose from her seat and bolted for the door. "Oh, no you don't," He said firmly as she clasped her arm, turned her around and steered her toward the receiving line.
"What are you doing?" Amanda protested.
"What you SHOULD be doing," Lee answered. "You wanted to be here to gain some closure on this, but if you really want that, you need to see this thing all the way through."
"I-I-I can't," she argued as she tried to wrest her arm from his grasp.
"You can and you will," Lee responded not letting her out of his grip. "I know how hard this is," He said as they paused in line behind the others. "Believe me, I know. This..." he nodded toward the family members gathered near the casket, "...facing the family...this is the hardest part of being forced to take someone's life in the line of duty, but it needs to be done so you can finally have some peace."
Amanda nodded, but couldn't help the shiver of fear that crept up her spine when they started getting closer. When it was finally her turn and she glanced down at Sally McGill's face, she thought about Lee's words about having some peace and that maybe in death, McGill would finally have some. As absurd as it sounded to her, she felt that the woman must have been dreadfully unhappy to have done the things she'd done. She felt another little twinge of guilt because she had found great happiness with Lee, with her children, her job...
Amanda was jolted out of her thoughts by a forced cheerful female voice with a touch of solemnity to it saying, "Thank you so much for coming." She turned to find herself face to face with a woman who could have been McGill's twin if she were a bit older. Her eyes were puffy from crying, yet she reached out to shake Amanda's hand and inquired with a nod toward the casket, "How did you know my big sister?"
When Amanda was silent, Lee took the lead, released Amanda's arm, offered his own hand to the woman and said, "I'm Lee Stetson. This is my wife, Amanda. We only just met Sally last week. We just wanted to pay our respects."
"Stetson?" she questioned as she released Lee's hand abruptly and looked down. Then in a small voice, said, "You two...you're the ones who..."
"I'm afraid so," Lee answered. "WE..." he gave Amanda a pointed look, "...are."
The woman nodded. "I see..."
Finally finding her voice, Amanda stammered, "I-I-I'm sorry," and tore from the room, sobs consuming her.
"Amanda!" Lee called and sprinted after her catching up to her just as she reached the doors. Her whirled her around to face him and held her tightly while she cried. "Shh, honey...It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay."
"Mm-mm," she sniffled between sobs, "Never. I'll never be okay again."
Lee lifter her chin and looked into her eyes. "Yes, you will. I have faith in you. I always have, ever since that first day we met in the train station." He then took her hand in his and led her to the door. "Come on, I bet some fresh air will make you feel a little better, help clear your head."
This time Amanda didn't protest, just stepped outside with him feeling a bit better as the chilly March air bit into her because at least now she was feeling something. "I-I-I feel so awful. Did you see her sister in there? Did you hear what she said?"
"Yes, I did, but did you hear what she said? What I said?"
"She blames me," Amanda responded and looked down at her shoes as if she hadn't heard her husband.
"No, Amanda," Lee again hooked a finger under her chin and forced her to look at him. "She blames US, You heard her in there. She said, "You're the ones," not the one. You and me. Don't you remember? I shot McGill first. She was already injured and bleeding before you got there. So, she blames both of us, as she should."
"No, she doesn't," a gruff male voice said from behind them.
The Stetson turned to see General Garrett slowly making his way down the front steps toward them. "She doesn't blame you..." he nodded to Lee as he reached them, then to Amanda, "...or you. She blames Sally." When Amanda looked at him in surprise, he continued, "Don't get me wrong, she's still grieving for her sister, still angry about her death, but she's a career military officer just like Sally was. Now that she knows the truth of what her sister was up to, she knows that this could only have ended one of two ways, with a court-martial or death. If you want my opinion, death is the better option because now it's over. A court-martial would have taken months, maybe even years and could have dragged Ashley's name through the mud as well, could have hampered her career. It's better this way; now she can mourn, remember the good things about Sally and go on with her life a lot sooner."
Amanda gaped at him in shock. "How can you be so cavalier about a woman's death?"
"I'm not. I'm just being practical. How can YOU be so cavalier about doing what you had to do to defend your country? Isn't that your job, just like it's mine?" When Amanda began to protest, he interrupted. "Look, she killed Captain Carpenter; she tried to kill me, tried to kill your husband here and very surely would have tried to kill you if you'd given her the chance. Would you like to have had strangers trying to explain to your children why their parents weren't coming home instead?"
"He makes a good point, Amanda," Lee stated. "How would Phillip and Jamie have felt if that had happened? Jamie's already having nightmares about your shooting. Think how much worse it would have been if you or I have been killed in that final battle with McGill."
"Yeah, I...uh...I guess you're right, but still...I don't feel any less guilty over it."
"I know, but I promise that will ease with time," Lee took both of her hands in his. "Trust me." Amanda nodded. "Come on, let's get you home. You look exhausted." When she nodded again, Lee turned for just a brief moment to Garrett and said sincerely, "Thank you."
As they walked to the Wagoneer together, Amanda inquired, "Where's your car?"
"I took a cab," He answered as he opened the door for her. "I figured you wouldn't be in any condition to drive after this."
"You were right," she responded with a slight smile at his intuitiveness as she got into the car. As soon as he got in beside her, she said, "I don't wanna go home yet. I should go to work and catch up on the miles of paperwork on my desk."
Lee smiled back as he put the car in gear and backed out of the parking space. "Good."
When they arrived at the agency, Amanda's eye widened in surprise at how neat her desk was. "Lee...Did some sort of paperwork fairy come in here and clean out my inbox?"
"That would be me," He explained as he walked to his own desk and reached for the one remaining file on it. "I did it all...all except for one thing that you have to do yourself. I...uh...I hate to do this to you, but it's...um...it's already overdue..." He handed it to her and cringed a bit at seeing the grimace on her face. "I'm really, really sorry."
Amanda shook her head. "No, don't be. It's time," she stated firmly as she reached for a pen and began studiously working on the inquest paperwork.
Lee sat at his desk watching her non-stop looking for any signs that she might break down again, fully prepared to jump in to comfort her if needed, but her facial expression never changed until she finally signed at the bottom, closed the folder and said, "Done."
"Good," He replied with a smile, hoping with all his might that it really was done.