Haymitch's manner was quiet after returning from the hospital. He didn't have anything to discuss. Perhaps all the rehashed trauma had thickened his tongue. Learning to sit with the pain is the hardest part. No matter what you do nothing which has been deemed healthy will dull it quite like your chosen poison. Katniss, self harm, Self harm for myself as well. Grounding my wrists into handcuffs until they bled to stave of the horror in my mind. Letting the mutt take over to escape the pain. I have Katniss, making love to her has proven to be effective in the realm of retaining sanity. We ground each other. I should have sent Katniss back to the hospital after she most recently cut herself. I'm selfish, I needed her with me and instead of helping her I reinforced the behavior. I light a cigarette and lean back in my chair.
"How do you feel?" I ask Haymitch
"Like shit. They want me to… sort through the trauma. Let the flashbacks come. It hurts too much. I want to drink. They tell me the short term benefit isn't worth the long term cost."
"I understand." I tell him holding out a cigarette for him. He takes it lights it drawing deeply the smoke.
"I knew everyone was going to die. It doesn't feel real what I did. I wanted to save Maysilee to what? Kill her myself in the end? There's no rhyme or reason to what happened. It felt like a nightmare when I drank now it's creeping up on me. It's too real son."
"I know. I killed people too. We thought we were good people. We try to be now. They tell us we did what we had to but there are times I wish I died in the arena. They don't even let you kill yourself in that place." Johanna says from the corner looking out a window.
"Why don't you all hate me? For my part in the Games? I ushered you there. I tried to make you feel welcome and positive. To me it just felt like a rotating door of tributes. Coming and going."
"Because you didn't know better baby." Haymitch looks at her with sincerity in his eyes. "All that bullshit on my part didn't help you understand what it did to us. The Capitol hailed us as heros. We weren't we were survivors. You didn't see the reality until those two came along and had to go back. You realized people who others love and love others go in there and don't come back."
"So ignorance excuses my part?"
"You changed your mind in the end didn't you?" Katniss asked.
Haymitch walks to her and wraps his arms around her kissing her neck and whispering to her. She pats his arms in affirmation.
"My head doctor wants me to say what I think when I think about the trauma. It does help to get it out."
"They raped me when they took me." Effie blurts out. "After the Quell they took me because I was associated with you. The peace keepers took their turns with me."
"Me too." Johanna says.
"Well now we all know each others secrets." Effie says smiling. "But we're healing from that. Life is moving on and we can make it better right?" She asks as though she's unsure. It's hard to tell because of her Capitol accent but I think she's asking for affirmation.
"Yes." I say.
"Well what about the wedding?" She says looking between me and Katniss.
"I want to wear a dress that Cinna made me, but not a wedding dress, nothing white. I'm not innocent. I'd like to have the celebration here in twelve in the courtyard with everyone here, the other Victors, my mother. I want wildflowers to line the aisle and a trelise for the ceremony. Johanna to be my witness."
It makes me so happy to hear her say these things. Johanna looks touched as well.
"Well you'll have you know I can make things happen."
"-No cameras." Katniss says. "No live cameras. Only during the reception to show how well we're doing. We're no longer star crossed lovers."
I extinguish my cigarette and smile.
"Peeta do you intend to groom yourself?"
"Fuck no! I am as I am."
"Can we have caterers from the Capitol? Not to put down Greasy Sae but Capitol food is beyond compare."
"Yes darling." Effie says. While she's here in Twelve she doesn't wear makeup she still dresses beautifully and I think Haymitch likes her that way. He's more withdrawn since his return but he's also more affectionate to Effie. Clinging to her in the same way Katniss and I cling to each other. We hang around for a couple more hours talking about more pleasant things before Katniss and I return home. She sits to write in the book, and I paint. I'm painting Katniss her palms turned up, a cut across her forehead the firelight illuminating her face as it did in the cave. However she's only wrapped in a sheet in a pose of repose and submission. Giving up her pain and accepting her weakness.
"Hmmm… She says behind me. I like it. It's more abstract that what you've done before."
I turn and open my arms to her, she sits on my lap. I put my hands on either side of her face and kiss her chin, then her lips and she eagerly returns my kisses. I bury my face in her chest running my hands along her sides, the curvature of her figure is art. Her body strong from hunting and climbing. Yet she's so small. I slide my hands to her breasts which are small as well yet supple. I breathe her in always smelling like jasmine. I begin to kiss along her chest. She sits stoic watching me with her hunters eyes. I move to her breast kissing one then the other then sucking them first gently then with more vigor. She audibly sighs my name yet holds her posture. Watching. The pressure inside me is building. I roll her over prone underneath me and slip my fingers inside her stroking her. Our eyes connect hers are full of hunger. She's becoming more and more wet beckoning me in, yet I want her to beg. I release my eye contact and move to her cunt. Sucking on her clit. She begins to squirm yet I don't budge.
"Peeta! Please!"
All I need to here. I remove my clothing and roll her to her stomach and lift her hips with one arm as I plunge my manhood into her. Thrusting panting, sweat rolling down. I withdraw from within her and roll her over again so I'm looking into those eyes. That hungry girl I fed. That hungry girl I love. I reenter her and once again begin my rhythm as she wraps her legs around my my waist.
"I love you Katniss. I've loved you. This is all I wanted in life, you understand. You're so warm around me." I plant kisses on her neck. "I can still taste your sweet cunt."
Then I kiss her fully on the mouth. She arches her back with her strong legs she rolls me over on top of me griping into my hair.
"You fell so, so good inside me Peeta." She begins to rock back and forth in an undulating motion. "I'm gonna come. Oh God!" She moans loudly calling my name. She's so vocal as she comes. She picks up her pace sweat rolling between her breasts. I sit up grabbing her buttocks still inside her I stand up and slam her back onto the bed. I take her legs and put them on my shoulders biting her. She claws into my chest until she draws blood. I push deeply inside her and thrust wildly until I come. At which point I lay down beside her, she rests her head on my chest.
"We haven't eaten."
"Is that a hint?" I ask
"Yes." She giggles.
I pull on some shorts and she wraps a blanket around her and we walk down the stairs. She opens the icebox and pulls out left overs from the tasting and we gorge ourselves.
"Are you excited to marry me?" I ask her.
"You have no idea." She replies.
"Then let's just do it. Let's elope. We can still have a party." I kiss her shoulders and wrap my arms around her. "I want you to be my wife, so badly."
"Just the two of us? No one else?" She asks.
"Yes." I reply.
"Can we have a traditional Twelve ceremony?"
"Yes."
"I want to be your wife." She turns around looking me in the face. "I want it to be about us."
"Does this mean you'll do it?"
"Yes."
I kiss her in elation. I have no words. Instead I make love to her again at the kitchen table. Then again on the sofa, and again in the bedroom. I tell her thousands of I love yous. I hold her tight to me in the bed when we've exhausted ourselves.
"That means I'll always be yours?" She asks
"Always." I say.